Устройство дома у озера

00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,888

This thing's a temperamental little slut,

so be ready to cut the power source ASAP.

00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,681

- As Shlorpian as possible.

- TERRY: Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:15,807

(MACHINE POWERING UP)

00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,143

Oh! Terry, turn it off! Terry! Do it now!

00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:22,773

Ow, fucking ow, ow, ow, fuck!

Terry! Fuck! Ow! Terry! Ow! Terry!

00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,400

TERRY: Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:30,280

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,532

(KORVO GRUNTING)

00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,283

Oh, crap! I forgot about Korvo!

00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:38,080

Help, Terry. I think I'm dying.

Please cancel my subscription to Goop.

00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,290

Oh, God, oh, no! I'm so sorry, Korv.

00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,583

- Now, now is it the green button...

-(KORVO SCREAMING)

00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,668

...or the yellow one?

00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,086

I'm such a forgetful Frankie Muniz.

00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,672

That's not a joke,

he had a serious head injury.

00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,846

Terry, I'm gonna ask you one time

and you better not lie,

00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:55,722

did you abandon your post

and go to Disneyland?

00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:56,807

What? No, I was...

00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,891

(CHEWBACCA EARS ROAR)

00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,017

I got these at Target.

00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,936

I know for a fact

they don't sell those at Target.

00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,771

Online they do.

Black Friday deal, got an email.

00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,523

Damn it, it probably went to my spam.

00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,276

Fucking Hulumail sucks.

Will you forward it to me?

00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,111

I'd have to get back to you.

Let's get you down from there.

00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,821

- Whoa!

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,114

Which button is it again?

00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,532

- Which button is it?

- Terry!

00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:18,495

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,290

One hundred adults and their replicants

00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:24,209

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:27,171

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,174

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,967

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,677

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,554

This is... This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,514

Do you see me?

(STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.

00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,309

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,561

Why are they all so excited

about keeping themselves alive?

00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,645

Don't they know when you die,

00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,731

you come back stronger

and with an earthier flavor?

00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,655

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,909

Sigourney Weaver

is your perfect Earth babe?

00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,327

(SCOFFS) Yeah!

00:01:58,410 --> 00:01:59,578

She's a woman of science,

00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,663

she already has

a prior relationship with aliens,

00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,457

and she has the biceps of a young Al Gore.

00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,501

She's one handsome lady, that's for sure.

I'd put a bun in that oven.

00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,253

Agh!

00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:11,465

Yo, check it. This dickless dork

has a poster of Sigourney Weaver!

00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,759

How dare you,

she's America's hot older aunt.

00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,302

- I know!

- Agh!

00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,095

Which is why you have no business

hanging a poster of her

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,180

- in your locker.

- Agh!

00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,724

She tried to save the Na'vi

while making smoking look cool again,

00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,267

- what the fuck did you ever do?

- Agh!

00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,312

You will never be strong enough,

cool enough or confident enough

00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,147

to get a woman like Sigi Weave.

00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,066

- Ow!

-(LAUGHTER)

00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,985

Principal Cooke, are you gonna

do something about this bullying?

00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,111

Yes.

00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,863

- Agh!

- Two weeks detention

00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,574

for thinking you could ever date a goddess

like Sigourney Weaver!

00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,619

She won a Spoken Word Grammy,

you piece of shit!

00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:41,745

You okay?

00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,789

What? Of course. Are you okay?

00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,874

I am super, capital S.

00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:48,126

I thought Stacy K.

flicked a booger at me in math,

00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:51,046

but it turns out it was just an eraser,

so I guess we're BFF's now...

00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,257

Jesus, Jesse, stop badgering me!

00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,634

Fine, I'm not okay.

Is that what you want to hear?

00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,553

I just...

I want to destroy those cool kids,

00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,138

but Korvo deactivated

all the awesome weapons in my suit.

00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,766

You know what you should do?

Go to a gym, start lifting weights,

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,644

maybe some crossfit and then

when you're all swole and shit,

00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,938

you can come back

and beat up all those cool kids.

00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,064

You really think that would work?

00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,942

Totally! So you're gonna

take my idea and hit the gym?

00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,277

Hell no! Your ideas suck.

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,238

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

They'll never see it coming.

00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,031

- Don't say poisonous...

- Poisonous snakes.

00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,244

Hola, Korvito!

I got you some Texi-Mexi from Pedro's

00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,121

to say sorry

for that little thing earlier.

00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,414

I scored you a bunch of salsa.

00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:26,748

Terry, for the last time,

00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,542

- salsa is not a real apology.

- Aw.

00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,919

And you know the only food I like eating

at those Mexican restaurants

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:33,005

are those sliced radishes. Mm

00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:35,048

More for me!

Hey, so what's this bad boy all about...

00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,801

Don't touch.

This bad boy can send warranty letters

00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,846

back to the factory on Shlorp

that made the diode in the first place.

00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,849

Wait. Didn't Shlorp blow up

like a new Lizzo single? Topical.

00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:47,811

Yes, but this uses a temporal address

that can send the letters back in time

00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,272

to before Shlorp went boom-boom-pow.

00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,193

I was trying to piggyback on... on...

on your... on your reference to music.

00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:57,362

Then they'll be able to fix this defect

before it even leaves the factory.

00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:01,742

Now sit back and watch Korvo

as he fixes everything.

00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:13,921

We got another complaint about the defect

on diode number zork-six-nine-one-five.

00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:17,299

And also who keeps eating my lunch?

Seriously. It has my name on it, guys.

00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,052

Stop fucking smiling, Grant,

I know it's you.

00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,141

Oh, I get it, so this mailbox

works just like the one

00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,060

from the Sandy Bullock tear-jerker,

The Lake House.

00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,522

First, her God-given name is Sandra,

show some respect.

00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,816

And second, this is a highly scientific,

carefully calibrated portal

00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,528

that acts as a quantum time travel

customer service line.

00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,197

It's not like some crappy movie

nobody's ever seen.

00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,575

First, not a crappy movie.

Two, everybody's seen it.

00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,119

And three, it's basically

the thing from the movie.

00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,330

God damn it, Terry.

It's nothing like The Lake House!

00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,582

(CRIES)

00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,293

So it's a little exactly

like The Lake House.

00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,170

Told ya! Maybe now you'll finally believe

00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,005

that I saw a "The Meg"

when I went snorkeling.

00:04:57,089 --> 00:05:00,592

Oh, my God! You did not see a "The Meg".

Let's get back to work

00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,595

and you need to clean up the popcorn

you spilled when Keanu took his shirt off.

00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,265

Yeah! No thanks to the whole

"getting back to work" plan.

00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,934

Instead, I'm gonna crush a big bag

of Buffalo flavored Snickers

00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,435

while I lay here and fart.

00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,605

Terry, straight up, real talk.

Why are you such a lazy piece of shit?

00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,732

Great question KV. I was grown this way.

00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,402

I've been lazy all my life,

ever since I was a little replicant

00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,154

bird-dogging thotties on the playground.

Just me and the thots.

00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:22,281

Wouldn't you rather be like me?

00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,909

Rule-following, hardworking, slim.

Basically fucking amazing.

00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,453

Look, nothing and no one

in this present time and space

00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,580

is gwan change me.

00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,206

You can't change me, you can't change me

You can't change me...

00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,626

Oh! This gives me a very specific idea.

00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,336

Computer activate Aisha.

00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,589

AISHA: Korvo, make it quick.

You know I'm watching my stories.

00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,965

If I were to change the address

00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,092

on the letter I send

through The Lake House device,

00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,261

will it get delivered

to any Shlorpian in the past?

00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,598

Technically, yes, but non-warranty

time travel voids the warranty.

00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,101

Hmm. I do like warranties,

but it's worth a shot.

00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,731

Dearest Young Terry,

I pray this letter finds you well.

00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:03,655

(GRUNTS)

00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:07,117

OLD KORVO: My sincere hope is that

you will dedicate your life to science

00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,786

and cleaning up and not being

such a lazy piece of shit.

00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,872

The truth is,

if you don't do those things,

00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,999

your blood will turn into shlorbats.

00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,794

You know what they are.

Your friend, mystery person.

00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,505

I better stop being lazy.

00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,840

Sorry, Yum. I'm fresh out of

the super poisonous snakes.

00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:22,966

What else you got, Derek?

00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,844

These platypi got stingers in them

that emit a poison

00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,471

that can seriously fuck somebody up.

00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,431

-(PLATYPI GROWLING)

- Really? They look so cute.

00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:32,392

Cute? Check this.

Rodney tests all my shit. Yo, Rod!

00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,020

Show 'em, Ney.

00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:37,898

Agh! Oh!

00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:38,982

(SHUDDERING BREATHS)

00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,776

Sweet. I'll take 'em.

00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:44,071

Good morning, sleepy peepy!

You just getting up?

00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:46,907

Yes. Have you been getting

a jump start on the day?

00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:47,991

You know it, my man!

00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,036

I already did all the work on the ship,

cleaned the house, folded the laundry.

00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,162

You know what they say,

00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,331

if you're a lazy piece of shit,

your blood will turn to bats!

00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,918

Holy Fuck! The Lake House device worked!

00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,796

This is a lot of power,

gotta be careful about not abusing it.

00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,133

Are you eating Honey Nut Hulios

with a fork?

00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,970

Uh, yeah. That's how you eat them.

I'm sorry if it's annoying,

00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,097

I like the feeling

of the tines on my teeth.

00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,933

Ugh! I'll be right back.

00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,525

Korvo, just finishing eating my cereal

with a spoon like a normal person.

00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,569

Hey, after I'm done,

do you want to spend all afternoon

00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,987

ranking our favorite buttons on the ship?

00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,531

I mean, number one

has to be laser number 17.

00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,284

But number two,

who fucking knows? (CHUCKLES)

00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,244

I would love to.

00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,499

Ow! Stop! Ow, heel, bitches.

00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,001

JESSE: When you're all swole and shit,

00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,753

you can come back

and beat up all those cool kids.

00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:43,714

That's a good idea. Ow!

00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,340

Fuck you, platypussies!

00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,009

-(PLATYPI GROWLING)

-(PEOPLE ON STREET SCREAMING)

00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,635

-(BRAKES SCREECH)

-(CAR CRASHES)

00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:51,722

Hello, my name is Yumyulack,

yeah, I know it's a dope name,

00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,765

I need to get super jacked and swole

00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:56,435

with lots of muscles and confidence

so people will respect me

00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,728

and I won't feel like such a loser.

00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,521

So obviously the stakes are high.

00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,982

Oh, and it has to be done

by the time school starts tomorrow.

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:05,444

Wish we could help friend,

but we used to be losers just like you.

00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,322

We thought if we just got buff,

then people would respect us.

00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,449

We spent years lifting weights

and shooting steroids.

00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,202

I literally can't see my balls,

they've shrunk so much.

00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,328

And then there's the acne.

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:18,790

We're talking backne, crackne and sackne.

The Holy Trinity, yo.

00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,250

But you guys look so confident.

00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,462

It's fake, man.

Take it from me, you can't manufacture it

00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:28,050

out of a cocktail of Viagra, HGH

and some of Jon Hamm's pee.

00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:32,346

It can't be built in a gym.

It has to be inside you the whole time.

00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,680

Well, who has it then?

00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:34,932

That guy.

00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,769

That Pete Davidson looking dork?

What does he have?

00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:42,648

B.D.E. Big dick energy.

00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:46,860

-(BEEPING)

- Holy shit! B.D.E is legit.

00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:49,863

Oh, yeah. But you can't get it,

you have to be born with it.

00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,657

We'll sci-fi see about that. Ow!

00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:52,991

-(PLATYPUS GROWLS)

- Ow!

00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,669

Hey, Yum, how'd that

platypus deal work out for you?

00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:04,962

I bailed on it. Went to the gym.

00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,547

Oh, great! I knew I was right.

00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,675

Nope. Bailed on that too. I'm making

a large penis for myself instead.

00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:12,135

Wow, you've had quite a journey

since I last saw you.

00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,847

It's called big dick energy,

and when I get it, I'll be unstoppable.

00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:17,599

I don't know,

a big dick seems really dangerous.

00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:18,684

-(GASPS)

-(SCREAMS)

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:19,810

(GASPS)

00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,936

(SCREAMING)

00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,187

(GASPS)

00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,899

Now let's take this new big dick

out for a spin.

00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,985

Whatever you wanna do is cool.

00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,152

Damn right, it is.

00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,947

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,376

Yumyulack, sorry about the other day.

00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:48,297

Here's a handsaw and some stuck porn

I confiscated off another kid.

00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,883

We're good? Yeah.

We're... We're good. Yeah.

00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,635

(SIGHS) There we go.

Finally finished washing this little guy!

00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,138

If you don't clean the Pupa,

your blood turns to bats.

00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,307

It's kind of amazing how many things

will turn your blood to bats.

00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:02,436

Oh. (CHUCKLES) I know all about that.

Uh, okay, so it's time for movie night.

00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,771

I thought we could screen

this training video about levers.

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,023

It's... it's very captivating.

00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,025

Oh! F that weak noise!

00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:12,029

We're watching all the Fast and Furious

movies in chronological order.

00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,531

The way Vinnie Diesel intended it.

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,991

I'll be right back.

00:10:18,202 --> 00:10:21,955

Levers! Levers! Levers!

Levers are the best!

00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,665

Oh, you guys are just in time

for movie night.

00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:24,833

We're watching this amazing doc on...

00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,878

Nah, fam, for once we are watching

what I want to watch,

00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:31,048

either YouTube clips of Russian

car accidents or Paddington Two.

00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,216

- Whatever you want!

- Sounds great!

00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:37,012

Oh, jeez. B.D.E. is real

and it is formidable.

00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,057

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,519

Yo, yo, check it, this is my imitation

of a guy in Fortnite.

00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:44,895

Oh, I'm walking into a wall,

00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,188

- what am I gonna do...

-(LAUGHTER)

00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:50,609

Yum, your shit is LMAO.

You're like a real life meme.

00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,659

Terry, um, could you clean and prepare

all 72,000 micronauts?

00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,494

I... I need to fix the hyderdeck.

00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,828

You bet your butt, Team Leader!

00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:05,791

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,223

-(INAUDIBLE)

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:29,523

MAN ON TV: Don’t forget to tune in

this week for Saturday Night Live...

00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,817

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-...with host Yumyulack

00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,736

and musical guest Yumyulack!

00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,407

I gotta tell you, this B.D.E thing

is hella cray-cray.

00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,577

You even made the WNBA cool.

Like, to everybody. Not just me.

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,413

It’s actually a better brand of basketball

than the men’s game,

00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,206

'cause they have to focus

on the fundamentals.

00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:54,548

Idris Elba? Star of HBO’s The Wire?

I loved you in Molly’s Game!

00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:58,010

You had so many words to say

and you got almost some of them right!

00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,136

Hello, Jesse.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,638

You know my name?

I’m seriously gonna plotz.

00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,933

I know everything about you.

And your boy, Yumyulack here.

00:12:05,017 --> 00:12:06,226

We’ve been watching you.

00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,978

Who’s been watching me, Idris Elba?

00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,771

The Big Dick Energy Council.

00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:14,151

We are a secret and mystic fraternity

too complicated to explain, mate.

00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,986

Oh, let me guess, it’s like,

a bunch of people with big dicks?

00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,280

Yep, that’s pretty much it.

But you have to understand,

00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,574

for centuries,

our council has been tasked...

00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,284

-(GASPS)

-...with keeping a delicate balance

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:26,246

of energy in the world,

but your new B.D.E is buggering it all up.

00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:27,831

Buggering means "fucking" in British.

00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,166

I know what buggering means!

00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,877

I came to offer you a spot on the council.

00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,255

Christian Bale stepped down after he lost

all that penis weight for a movie.

00:12:35,339 --> 00:12:36,632

You could be one of the greats,

00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,968

but only we can show you

how to harness your power for good.

00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:44,515

My answer... is no!

I don’t need you or your stupid council!

00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,017

- B.D.

- E is a power stronger than any man,

00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,436

and if you’re not careful,

it will consume you.

00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,271

Are you threatening me, Idris Elba?

00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,397

Just keeping it real, mate.

00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:56,360

Well, why don’t you keep this real, mate.

I’m gonna make a dick so big,

00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,780

that you and your stupid council

will be begging me to suck it!

00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:03,867

(SNIFFS)

00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,578

Mm, ass smells like Luther.

00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,623

All right, this is usually

when the ship starts to drag because of...

00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,333

The effects of zero gravity,

but if we just...

00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,335

BOTH: Accelerate the constant

thrust trajectory,

00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,045

time dilation won’t be a problem!

00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,463

- Yeah!

-(SIGHS)

00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:17,548

I gotta say, Terry.

00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,050

Working on the ship with you,

it just makes me so happy.

00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,637

This is perfect. You are perfect.

Nothing more needs to be done.

00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,847

Man, I feel the same way.

00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:27,641

I love working on sci-fi stuff with you.

It’s so tight!

00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:28,892

Ugh, I hate when you say that.

00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:32,271

What? "Tight?" Too bad 'cause saying tight

is like the tightest tight thing of all,

00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,606

so I’m gonna keep saying it

until "lit" gets cool again.

00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:37,025

Tight! Tighty-tight tight!

00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:38,652

I’ll be right back.

00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,947

This is it. Last one.

Swear, no more after this.

00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:47,744

(TERRY SHUDDERING)

00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:51,748

Terry, should we get back

to our non-tight sci-fi stuff?

00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,084

-(TERRY CRIES)

- You okay? Terry?

00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,502

- Terry!

- Oh, come on, come on.

00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,004

(SCREAMS)

00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:58,130

Agh!

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,715

Korvo!

00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,341

What are you doing?

00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,051

I’m hosting SNL this week

00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:06,638

and I need all the B.D.E I can summon,

'cause I’m not funny!

00:14:06,722 --> 00:14:10,142

But Idris Elba told you

not to mess with the B.D.E!

00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,603

Idris Elba doesn’t know dick from dick.

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,438

-(SCREAMS)

-(MACHINE DINGS)

00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,981

(GASPS)

00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:19,735

And he sure as hell

doesn’t know dick from two dicks.

00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:24,823

(YELPS)

00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:26,200

(PANTING)

00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,284

(GRUNTS)

00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,744

- No!

-(GRUNTING)

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,038

Oh, fuck, I... I fucked up.

I... I broke Terry.

00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,789

Korvo! I’m gonna kill you!

00:14:33,749 --> 00:14:34,750

(GRUNTS)

00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,795

- Haha!

- Terry,

00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,797

I’m really sorry about what happened.

But don’t worry,

00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,467

I'm... I’m gonna write you a letter

saying "be yourself" or...

00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,427

Or something more eloquent,

I’ll workshop it,

00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:47,429

you know, for a little while,

probably... (YELPS)

00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,932

But I promise you will go back

to being the way you were.

00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,017

I don’t wanna change! I like who I am now.

00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,353

I like wearing women’s eye shadow

and murdering you.

00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:55,646

Agh!

00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,940

ANNOUNCER: It’s Saturday Night Live!

00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:01,235

Ladies and Gentlemen,

your host, Yumyulack!

00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,903

- Oh, my God!

-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:03,987

(ALL GASP)

00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,698

Run! Everyone, run! I can’t control it.

00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:10,452

Idris Elba was right.

Idris Elba was right!

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,668

(BOTH GRUNTING)

00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,883

(RAPID BEEPING)

00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,009

(SCREAMING)

00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,388

I'd grind up and eat

little bitch boys like you for brunch

00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,139

We gotta consider the east emergency ward.

What about the west emergency ward?

00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,100

We have no choice!

We’re running out of time, goddamn it!

00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,685

- We have to blow Yumyulack up.

- No!

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,728

But General Mills,

it will destroy Manhattan

00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:38,105

and kill thousands of innocent people!!

00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,607

General Hospital,

it’s a loss I am willing to take.

00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:43,068

Plus, the improv scene’s dead here anyway.

00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:46,405

All right, it’s Defdick One.

It’s time to ready the bombers!

00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:47,531

GENERAL MILLS: These colors

don't run red, white, and blue!

00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,657

GENERAL HOSPITAL

Thank you for your service!

00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,158

There’s only one person that can help.

00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:53,745

I just hope I can get to them on time

without giving away who it is.

00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,584

(GROANING)

00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,171

(GASPS)

00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:05,841

Sigourney Weaver? Is that you?

00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,886

It is I, Susan Alexandra Weaver.

00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,012

Wait, that’s your real name?

00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,014

Yes, but I go by Sigourney.

00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,600

Good call. Sigourney...

(GROANS) I went too far,

00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:18,228

I flew too close to the big dick sun

and now everyone is gonna die.

00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:21,023

Hush, my child. No one is dying today.

00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,525

Because I have the one and only thing,

00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:26,987

since the beginning of time,

that can stop B.D.E.

00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:31,617

You see, I am made of pure N.F.G.

"No Fucks Given."

00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:36,371

Yes, that’s right, my sweet-sweet boy,

I don’t give a fuck.

00:16:36,455 --> 00:16:39,541

That’s so cool. I was thinking of getting

the Arby’s logo tattooed on my back.

00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,753

No. Now just sit back and relax.

00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:45,255

(YELLS)

00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,980

(GASPS) That was amazing.

You saved the world.

00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:06,610

Yumyulack, you don’t need B.D.E

to become the person you want to be.

00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:10,364

You just have to believe in yourself and,

say it with me now...

00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,199

-"Not give a fuck."

- Sell weed to the cool kids.

00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,034

Right, sorry, not give a fuck.

00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,086

I’m so glad your penises

aren’t blowing up anymore.

00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,129

I got to meet Sigourney Weaver.

00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,882

- I know, I called her. And she came!

- But how did you...

00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,509

I’m a junior member!

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,302

I can’t vote at meetings,

but I do get a hoodie.

00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,347

But I... I don’t understand,

you were under my B.D.E spell?

00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:38,267

I was just watching

and waiting for the right time.

00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,353

Why did you wait until after

my dicks blew up and destroyed the city?

00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:45,065

I told you, I’m a junior member.

I don’t know all the stuff yet.

00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:48,694

- Agh!

-(GRUNTS)

00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:50,153

(PANTING)

00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,280

Agh!

00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:56,285

Agh!

00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,495

Terry, this was all my fault.

I wrote those letters

00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:00,330

to make you into

something that you weren’t.

00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:02,875

It turned you into a murderous psychopath.

That was wrong.

00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:06,336

If you let me send this last letter,

it will undo everything. I promise.

00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:07,462

You promise?

00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:08,797

Yes, Terry. I promise.

00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,591

Too late.

00:18:11,008 --> 00:18:12,551

-(GRUNTS)

-(GROANS)

00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:17,222

Read it, Terry.

Don’t be a little bitch. (GRUNTS)

00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:18,974

I will never read it.

00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,227

This is who I am now.

And nothing will change me.

00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:24,771

Oh...

00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:27,983

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:37,803

(GASPS)

00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:41,431

KORVO: Dearest, Terry, Just be yourself.

That will always be good enough for me.

00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:44,017

Also, blood can’t turn into shlorbats.

00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:45,811

I can’t believe you bought that,

it’s so dumb.

00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:48,730

You’re the dumbest idiot ever.

(LAUGHS) Your friend, Korvo.

00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:49,857

(SIGHS)

00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:09,710

"Dear, Korvo, if you are ever being chased

by a super handsome murderous psychopath,

00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:10,919

turn left!"

00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:16,967

Oh! Ah!

00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,138

Turn left. I have to turn left.

00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:27,728

(SIGHS)

00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,567

Hey-Hey! Korvotron, you okay?

00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,903

I’m chopping up some tomatoes

to make my special salsa.

00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:37,321

Dude, I hope you aren’t getting sick,

00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,656

'cause I am really not feeling like

doing any work on the ship today.

00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:42,201

Come on, you wanna watch

all the Fast and Furious movies with me,

00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,786

including Fast and The Furious Presents:

Hobbs and Shaw?

00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,664

Yes, Terry, that would be...

00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:48,832

tight.

00:20:52,336 --> 00:20:53,921

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

00:00:08,933 --> 00:00:10,797

А он как темпераментная стерва,

00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,812

так что готовься выключить его,

00:00:12,819 --> 00:00:14,978

— быстро по-шлорпиански.

— Я понял.

00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:20,049

Терри, выключай! Сейчас же!

О черт, о-о-о! Черт!

00:00:20,064 --> 00:00:22,405

Терри! Ну же! О! Терри!

00:00:23,311 --> 00:00:24,475

Я понял.

00:00:24,476 --> 00:00:26,423

Я понял. Я понял.

00:00:26,953 --> 00:00:29,078

Я понял. Я понял.

00:00:29,108 --> 00:00:30,456

Я понял.

00:00:31,423 --> 00:00:33,342

О нет. Я забыл про Корво.

00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,042

Помоги, Терри. Я умираю.

00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,112

Прошу. Отпиши меня от «Goop».

00:00:38,113 --> 00:00:40,376

Боже. Нет. Прости, Корв.

00:00:40,377 --> 00:00:42,509

Какая кнопка — зелёная или жёлтая?

00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,174

Я как рассеянный Фрэнки Муниз.

00:00:44,189 --> 00:00:46,306

Это не шутка. У него была травма головы.

00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:53,908

Терри, я спрошу один раз.

И лучше не лги.

00:00:53,975 --> 00:00:55,809

Ты бросил пост и пошёл в Диснейленд?

00:00:55,810 --> 00:00:57,197

Что? Нет, я был…

00:00:58,147 --> 00:00:59,201

Это из магазина.

00:00:59,202 --> 00:01:01,010

Такие там не продают.

00:01:01,032 --> 00:01:02,951

По интернету. В «черную пятницу»

пришёл имейл.

00:01:02,952 --> 00:01:04,455

Видимо, письмо попало в спам.

00:01:04,483 --> 00:01:07,142

Чертова Hulu-почта. Перешли мне письмо.

00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:09,580

Раз уж я здесь, давай снимем тебя.

00:01:09,587 --> 00:01:10,820

О черт! О черт! О черт!

00:01:10,855 --> 00:01:12,023

Какая кнопка?

00:01:12,044 --> 00:01:13,608

— Какая кнопка?

— Терри!

00:01:14,599 --> 00:01:16,872

Планета Шлорп была идеальной утопией.

00:01:16,997 --> 00:01:18,915

Пока не упал астероид.

00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:22,185

Сто взрослых и их репликанты

взяли по Пупе

00:01:22,206 --> 00:01:24,083

и сбежали в космос

00:01:24,097 --> 00:01:26,797

в поисках нового дома

в незаселённых мирах.

00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:30,307

Мы упали на Землю и застряли

на перенаселённой планете.

00:01:30,328 --> 00:01:32,028

Я постоянно об этом твержу.

00:01:32,029 --> 00:01:33,832

Я держу Пупу. Я Корво.

00:01:33,855 --> 00:01:36,613

И это моё шоу.

Я уронил Пупу. Видите меня?

00:01:36,642 --> 00:01:37,727

Это смешно.

00:01:37,728 --> 00:01:40,506

Ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.

Люди глупые.

00:01:40,527 --> 00:01:42,746

Почему они так хотят продлить жизнь?

00:01:42,747 --> 00:01:44,609

Ведь смерть делает их сильнее

00:01:44,610 --> 00:01:45,772

и со вкусом земли.

00:01:45,792 --> 00:01:50,316

ОБРАТНАЯ СТОРОНА ЗЕМЛИ

00:01:55,003 --> 00:01:57,437

Сигурни Уивер — твой идеал землянки?

00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:58,424

Да.

00:01:58,449 --> 00:01:59,746

Она учёная,

00:01:59,747 --> 00:02:01,771

она уже встречалась с пришельцем,

00:02:01,785 --> 00:02:03,371

и у нее бицепсы,

как у молодого Эла Гора.

00:02:03,392 --> 00:02:05,124

Она красивая, это точно.

00:02:05,131 --> 00:02:06,635

Я бы положила пирожок в эту печку.

00:02:07,852 --> 00:02:11,512

Йоу, смотрите. У этого ботана

постер Сигурни Уивер.

00:02:11,533 --> 00:02:13,747

Как ты смеешь? Она крутейшая старушка!

00:02:13,761 --> 00:02:14,804

Я знаю.

00:02:15,317 --> 00:02:18,341

Поэтому ты не можешь вешать

постер с ней в своём шкафчике.

00:02:18,342 --> 00:02:22,283

И она пыталась спасти Нави,

снова вводя в моду курение.

00:02:22,325 --> 00:02:24,428

Ты никогда не будешь

достаточно сильным и крутым,

00:02:24,456 --> 00:02:27,078

чтобы получить такую женщину,

как Сиги Уив.

00:02:29,110 --> 00:02:32,151

Директор Кук, вы положите конец

этим избиениям?

00:02:32,159 --> 00:02:33,207

Да.

00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:36,360

Две недели допзанятий за то,

что подумал, что можешь встречаться

00:02:36,394 --> 00:02:37,650

с Сигурни Уивер.

00:02:37,652 --> 00:02:40,385

У неё «Грэмми» за декламацию.

00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:43,855

— Ты цел?

— Что? Конечно. А ты?

00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:45,918

Я супер с большой буквы С.

00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,216

Я решила, что Стэйси Кей

кинула в меня козявкой,

00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:49,946

но это был ластик,

00:02:49,967 --> 00:02:51,143

и теперь мы лучшие подруги.

00:02:51,144 --> 00:02:53,303

Боже, Джесси, хватит грузить меня.

00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:55,640

Ладно. Я не в порядке.

Ты это хотела услышать?

00:02:55,668 --> 00:02:57,711

Я хочу уничтожить этих парней,

00:02:57,712 --> 00:03:00,180

но Корво деактивировал моё оружие.

00:03:00,201 --> 00:03:02,794

Знаешь, что надо сделать?

Иди в спортзал, начни поднимать штангу,

00:03:02,819 --> 00:03:04,053

займись многоборьем.

00:03:04,087 --> 00:03:06,274

И когда станешь качком,

сможешь вернуться

00:03:06,299 --> 00:03:09,238

— и поколотить их.

— Думаешь, сработает?

00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:12,013

Конечно. Ты последуешь моему совету?

00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,278

Нет. Твоя идея — отстой.

00:03:13,305 --> 00:03:15,147

Я знаю, что делать.

00:03:15,182 --> 00:03:16,353

Такого они не ожидают.

00:03:16,354 --> 00:03:18,178

— Только не…

— Ядовитые змеи!

00:03:19,013 --> 00:03:22,209

Ола, Корвито!

Я принёс тебе текси-мекси от Педро

00:03:22,237 --> 00:03:24,213

в качестве извинения за тот инцидент.

00:03:24,234 --> 00:03:25,670

А еще набрал сальсу.

00:03:25,671 --> 00:03:28,569

Терри, в последний раз:

сальса — это не извинение.

00:03:28,597 --> 00:03:31,050

И ты знаешь, что в мексиканском

ресторане я люблю только

00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,936

порезанную редиску.

00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,148

Сам съем. Что это за агрегат?

00:03:35,168 --> 00:03:37,933

Не трогай! Этот «агрегат» отправляет

гарантийные письма

00:03:37,961 --> 00:03:40,986

на завод на Шлорпе, где сделали диод.

00:03:41,007 --> 00:03:43,914

Стой. Разве Шлорп не взорвался,

как новый сингл Лиззо?

00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:46,327

Да, но здесь указан временной адрес,

00:03:46,347 --> 00:03:47,953

по которому письмо уйдёт

назад в прошлое,

00:03:47,987 --> 00:03:50,119

до того как Шлорп бум-бум-пау.

00:03:50,258 --> 00:03:53,445

Я пытался провести аналогию

с твоей музыкой.

00:03:54,248 --> 00:03:57,366

Они смогут починить дефект диода

ещё на заводе.

00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,574

Садись и смотри, как Корво

всё исправляет.

00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,735

ПЯТЬЮ ГОДАМИ РАНЕЕ

00:04:09,273 --> 00:04:13,947

Еще одна жалоба на дефект диода

номер зорк-6915.

00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,543

И кто съел мой обед?

00:04:15,582 --> 00:04:17,298

Серьёзно. Он был подписан.

00:04:17,305 --> 00:04:20,131

Хватит смеяться, Грант! Я знаю, это ты.

00:04:23,879 --> 00:04:26,222

А, я понял. Этот ящик прямо как

00:04:26,242 --> 00:04:28,161

в слезливом фильме с Сэнди Буллок —

«Дом у озера».

00:04:28,162 --> 00:04:31,440

Во-первых, её зовут Сандра,

прояви уважение.

00:04:31,468 --> 00:04:34,852

Во-вторых, это высокие технологии.

Откалиброванный портал

00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:37,558

обеспечивает квантовую техподдержку

во времени.

00:04:37,607 --> 00:04:40,328

Это тебе не дурацкий фильм,

который никто не видел.

00:04:40,377 --> 00:04:42,076

Во-первых, не дурацкий.

00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:43,643

Во-вторых, его все смотрели.

00:04:43,679 --> 00:04:46,192

И в-третьих, эта штука — из фильма.

00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:48,450

Терри, «Дом у озера» ни при чем!

00:04:50,630 --> 00:04:53,206

Что ж, немного похоже на «Дом у озера».

00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:56,207

Я же сказал. Теперь поверишь,

что я видел Мега,

00:04:56,232 --> 00:04:57,234

когда плавал под водой?

00:04:57,235 --> 00:04:59,391

Боже, ты не видел Мега.

00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:00,472

Вернёмся к работе.

00:05:00,486 --> 00:05:02,352

И убери попкорн, который уронил,

00:05:02,356 --> 00:05:03,708

когда Киану снял рубашку.

00:05:03,709 --> 00:05:06,215

Нет, спасибо за предложение поработать.

00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:09,025

Вместо этого я лучше поем шоколадок

со вкусом буйвола

00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,444

и попорчу атмосферу.

00:05:10,468 --> 00:05:11,911

Терри, скажи прямо.

00:05:11,953 --> 00:05:13,637

Почему ты такой ленивый?

00:05:13,643 --> 00:05:17,013

Хороший вопрос, Ка-Вэ. Таким вырастили.

Я всю жизнь был таким ленивым,

00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:21,053

даже когда был маленьким репликантом

на детской площадке.

00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:24,544

Не хочешь быть, как я?

Законопослушным, трудолюбивым, худым,

00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,862

в общем, потрясающим.

00:05:25,881 --> 00:05:28,527

Никто и ничто в этом

пространстве и времени

00:05:28,531 --> 00:05:29,707

не заставит меня измениться.

00:05:29,708 --> 00:05:32,043

Ты не можешь изменить меня, не можешь…

00:05:32,071 --> 00:05:34,721

У меня появилась отличная идея.

00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,294

Компьютер, активируй Аишу.

00:05:36,328 --> 00:05:38,674

Корво, быстрее.

Ты же знаешь, я смотрю телевизор.

00:05:38,676 --> 00:05:40,516

Если я изменю адрес на письме

00:05:40,547 --> 00:05:42,174

и отправлю через «Дом у озера»,

00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,427

его доставят на Шлорп в прошлом?

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:48,336

Технически да,

но тогда аннулируется гарантия.

00:05:48,339 --> 00:05:51,351

Я люблю гарантии. Но стоит попробовать.

00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,640

Дорогой юный Терри,

надеюсь, ты получишь это письмо.

00:06:04,079 --> 00:06:08,018

Искренне надеюсь, что ты посвятишь

свою жизнь науке и уборке.

00:06:08,065 --> 00:06:09,953

И не будешь законченным лентяем.

00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:12,028

Если ты не сделаешь этого,

00:06:12,049 --> 00:06:14,190

твоя кровь превратится

в шлорпианских мышей.

00:06:14,211 --> 00:06:17,511

Ты знаешь, какие они.

Твой неизвестный друг.

00:06:17,843 --> 00:06:19,532

Лучше не буду лениться.

00:06:19,538 --> 00:06:22,071

Прости, Юм, суперъядовитых змей нет.

00:06:22,092 --> 00:06:23,551

А что есть, Дерек?

00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:25,960

Жала этих утконосов выделяют яд,

00:06:25,990 --> 00:06:27,555

который может серьезно навредить.

00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:29,465

Правда? А с виду милые.

00:06:29,485 --> 00:06:32,488

Милые? Смотрите.

Родни у нас всё тестирует. Род!

00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:35,058

Покажи им.

00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:40,394

Мило. Я беру их.

00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:43,365

Доброе утро, соня.

00:06:43,393 --> 00:06:44,735

— Только встал?

— Да.

00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,950

А ты начал день с низкого старта?

00:06:46,956 --> 00:06:47,999

Ты же меня знаешь.

00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,098

Я сделал работу по кораблю,

убрался в доме, сходил в прачечную.

00:06:51,126 --> 00:06:54,401

Если ты лентяй, твоя кровь

превратится в летучих мышей.

00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:57,888

Надо же, устройство

«Дом у озера» сработало.

00:06:58,013 --> 00:07:00,932

Оно мощное. Нельзя им злоупотреблять.

00:07:02,424 --> 00:07:05,179

Ты ешь медовые хлопья вилкой?

00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:06,905

Да. Я так ем их..

00:07:06,906 --> 00:07:08,103

Прости, если это раздражает.

00:07:08,117 --> 00:07:10,172

Я предпочитаю есть вилкой.

00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,513

Я сейчас вернусь.

00:07:18,177 --> 00:07:21,607

Корво, я доедаю хлопья ложкой,

как обычный человек.

00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:25,018

Давай посвятим день составлению рейтинга

наших любимых кнопок на корабле.

00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,607

Первым номером будет лазер номер 17.

00:07:27,628 --> 00:07:30,225

А номер два… да кто его знает.

00:07:30,552 --> 00:07:32,222

Я с радостью.

00:07:35,012 --> 00:07:37,219

Хватит! Эй! Черт.

00:07:37,649 --> 00:07:39,064

Когда ты станешь качком,

00:07:39,099 --> 00:07:41,788

сможешь вернуться и поколотить их.

00:07:41,830 --> 00:07:43,365

Хорошая идея.

00:07:43,785 --> 00:07:46,089

Идите к черту, утконосы.

00:07:48,995 --> 00:07:51,778

Привет, меня зовут Юмьюлак.

Да, знаю, классное имя.

00:07:51,779 --> 00:07:55,217

Мне нужно накачать мускулы,

чтобы люди меня зауважали

00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,821

и я не чувствовал себя неудачником.

00:07:57,841 --> 00:07:59,554

Очевидно, ставки высоки.

00:07:59,582 --> 00:08:02,063

О, и это надо успеть до уроков завтра.

00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:05,398

Мы хотели бы помочь,

но мы были неудачниками, как ты.

00:08:05,432 --> 00:08:08,476

Думали, что если накачаемся,

люди буду уважать нас.

00:08:08,477 --> 00:08:10,897

Мы много лет тягаем штанги

и пьём стероиды.

00:08:10,946 --> 00:08:13,289

Я уже не вижу, что у меня между ног.

00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:14,470

И появились прыщи.

00:08:14,471 --> 00:08:17,705

Эти прыщи на спине, под ней и между ног.

00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:18,896

Святая троица.

00:08:18,897 --> 00:08:21,364

— Но вы выглядите уверенными.

— Это обман.

00:08:21,386 --> 00:08:23,690

Поверь мне, уверенность не получить,

00:08:23,691 --> 00:08:26,167

принимая коктейль из виагры,

гормона роста

00:08:26,202 --> 00:08:28,161

и мочи Джона Хэмма.

00:08:28,184 --> 00:08:29,753

В спортзале её не обретёшь.

00:08:29,779 --> 00:08:32,333

Она должна быть в тебе изначально.

00:08:32,361 --> 00:08:33,751

А у кого она есть?

00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,103

— У того парня.

— У того парня.

00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,960

У ботана, похожего на Пита Дэвидсона?

00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:40,632

— Что в нём такого?

— Э-Б-С.

00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:42,754

Энергия большого самца.

00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:45,307

Вот это да!

00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,952

Э-Б-С — это круто.

00:08:46,986 --> 00:08:49,965

О да. Но её не получить,

с ней надо родиться.

00:08:50,022 --> 00:08:51,758

Это мы еще посмотрим.

00:08:57,439 --> 00:09:00,662

СРЕДНЕСТАТИСТИЧЕСКИЕ

МУЖСКИЕ ГЕНИТАЛИИ

00:09:01,176 --> 00:09:03,554

Привет, Юм, как твой план с утконосами?

00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:05,017

Я забросил эту идею.

00:09:05,018 --> 00:09:06,621

Я знала, что права.

00:09:06,624 --> 00:09:09,762

Нет. Спортзал я тоже забросил.

Я делаю себя самцом.

00:09:09,771 --> 00:09:12,052

О, ты далеко продвинулся.

00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:14,828

Это энергия большого самца.

С ней меня будет не остановить.

00:09:14,861 --> 00:09:17,992

Не знаю. По-моему, это очень опасно.

00:09:23,844 --> 00:09:25,971

Теперь давай выведем его на прогулку.

00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:29,455

— Всё, что пожелаешь.

— Вот так-то.

00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:44,451

Юмьюлак, прости за вчерашнее.

00:09:44,486 --> 00:09:46,647

Вот пила и порножурнал,

00:09:46,689 --> 00:09:48,204

которые я конфисковал.

00:09:48,238 --> 00:09:50,909

Мир? Да, мир. Да.

00:09:50,951 --> 00:09:52,058

Готово.

00:09:52,066 --> 00:09:53,736

Наконец-то я его помыл.

00:09:53,777 --> 00:09:56,122

Не помоешь Пупу, кровь превратится

в летучих мышей.

00:09:56,149 --> 00:09:59,078

Из-за чего только кровь

ни превращается в летучих мышей!

00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:02,481

Уж я-то знаю.

Ладно, пора посмотреть фильм.

00:10:02,515 --> 00:10:04,978

Я решил посмотреть

обучающий фильм про рычаги.

00:10:04,999 --> 00:10:06,132

Очень увлекательно.

00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,126

О, ну его.

00:10:08,144 --> 00:10:10,091

Мы будем смотреть все «Форсажи»

00:10:10,127 --> 00:10:12,126

в хронологическом порядке.

00:10:12,127 --> 00:10:14,078

Как Винни Дизель и задумал.

00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:16,060

Я сейчас.

00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,852

Рычаги! Рычаги! Рычаги!

00:10:20,866 --> 00:10:22,023

Рычаги лучшие!

00:10:22,058 --> 00:10:23,703

О, вы как раз вовремя.

00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:24,925

Мы смотрим потрясающий фильм…

00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:28,011

Нет. Хоть раз мы посмотрим то,

что я хочу.

00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:31,164

Видосы с российскими автоавариями

или «Паддингтон 2».

00:10:31,209 --> 00:10:32,690

— Как хочешь.

— Здорово.

00:10:32,703 --> 00:10:35,106

Боже. Э-Б-С действует.

00:10:35,175 --> 00:10:36,794

И это прекрасно.

00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:43,600

Привет, смотрите.

Сейчас изображу парня из «Фортнайта».

00:10:43,621 --> 00:10:46,269

«О, я иду в стену, что же мне делать?»

00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:49,190

Юм, это смешно до слёз.

00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,796

Ты настоящий ходячий мем.

00:10:54,708 --> 00:10:58,747

Терри, ты не мог бы почистить

и подготовить все 72000 микронавтов?

00:10:58,789 --> 00:11:00,538

Мне надо починить палубу.

00:11:00,573 --> 00:11:01,918

Не вопрос, командир.

00:11:26,193 --> 00:11:27,802

И не забудьте посмотреть на этой неделе

00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:29,741

«Субботний вечер»

00:11:29,742 --> 00:11:35,320

с Юмьюлаком в качестве ведущего

и гостя!

00:11:35,376 --> 00:11:37,976

Э-Б-С — настоящее безумие.

00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,937

Ты сделал популярным

даже женский баскетбол.

00:11:39,986 --> 00:11:41,554

И для всех, не только для меня.

00:11:41,555 --> 00:11:44,342

Он лучше, чем мужской баскетбол.

00:11:44,357 --> 00:11:46,411

Здесь сосредоточены

на фундаментальных ценностях.

00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,224

Идрис Эльба?

00:11:51,225 --> 00:11:52,879

Звезда сериала «Прослушка»?

00:11:52,906 --> 00:11:54,646

Обожаю вас в «Большой игре»!

00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:58,297

Вы произнесли там так много слов

и некоторые из них даже правильно.

00:11:58,331 --> 00:11:59,207

Привет, Джесси.

00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:01,632

Вы знаете моё имя?

Я сейчас штаны перепачкаю.

00:12:01,674 --> 00:12:03,321

Я всё о тебе знаю.

00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:04,944

И о твоём брате Юмьюлаке.

00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,215

Мы следим за тобой.

00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:08,039

Кто следит, Идрис Эльба?

00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:09,989

Совет по энергии большого самца.

00:12:10,010 --> 00:12:14,102

У нас тайное братство.

Это слишком сложно, чтобы объяснить.

00:12:14,129 --> 00:12:16,046

В нём люди с энергией большого самца?

00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:18,431

Да. В основном. Но ты должен понять.

00:12:18,435 --> 00:12:20,705

На протяжении веков

задачей нашего совета было

00:12:20,728 --> 00:12:23,582

хранить баланс энергии в мире,

00:12:23,597 --> 00:12:26,416

но из-за твоей Э-Б-С система крякнулась.

00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:29,215

— «Крякнулась» — значит сломалась.

— Я знаю, что это значит.

00:12:29,243 --> 00:12:31,951

Я пришёл предложить тебе место в совете.

00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,230

Кристиан Бэйл уходит

00:12:33,245 --> 00:12:35,271

после того, как похудел

для съёмок в фильме.

00:12:35,292 --> 00:12:36,757

Ты станешь одним из великих,

00:12:36,765 --> 00:12:40,206

но лишь мы покажем тебе,

как направить силу на благо.

00:12:40,207 --> 00:12:41,367

Мой ответ —

00:12:41,429 --> 00:12:42,246

нет!

00:12:42,278 --> 00:12:44,578

Мне не нужны вы и ваш дурацкий совет.

00:12:44,599 --> 00:12:47,053

Э-Б-С сильнее любого человека.

00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,444

Будь осторожен, иначе она поглотит тебя.

00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,335

Ты угрожаешь мне, Идрис Эльба?

00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,469

Говорю как есть.

00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:54,615

Тогда слушай как есть.

00:12:54,657 --> 00:12:56,292

Я заряжусь такой энергией,

00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,886

что ты и твой дурацкий совет

будете стоять передо мной на коленях!

00:13:04,596 --> 00:13:06,571

Пахнет «Лютером».

00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,813

Ладно, обычно в этот момент

корабль зависает из-за…

00:13:09,814 --> 00:13:11,541

…нулевой гравитации, но если мы…

00:13:11,569 --> 00:13:13,341

— Увеличим траекторию полёта с тягой,

— Увеличим траекторию полёта с тягой,

00:13:13,383 --> 00:13:15,115

— задержка времени не проблема.

— задержка времени не проблема.

00:13:15,143 --> 00:13:16,197

Да!

00:13:16,444 --> 00:13:17,509

Должен сказать, Терри,

00:13:17,534 --> 00:13:20,179

я просто счастлив работать

на корабле с тобой.

00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:22,073

Это прекрасно. Ты идеален.

00:13:22,119 --> 00:13:23,663

Больше ничего не нужно менять.

00:13:23,684 --> 00:13:26,682

Я тоже так думаю.

Обожаю работать с тобой.

00:13:26,703 --> 00:13:27,784

Это так клёво.

00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:29,049

Ненавижу это слово.

00:13:29,052 --> 00:13:32,393

Что? Клёво? Плохо.

Говорить «клёво» очень клёво.

00:13:32,428 --> 00:13:34,715

Я буду так говорить, пока слово «круто»

снова не войдёт в моду.

00:13:34,729 --> 00:13:36,429

Клёво-клёво-клёво.

00:13:37,018 --> 00:13:38,707

Я сейчас.

00:13:38,869 --> 00:13:40,154

Готово. Последний раз.

00:13:40,155 --> 00:13:42,277

Клянусь. Больше никаких писем.

00:13:47,731 --> 00:13:51,860

Терри, может, вернёмся к нашим

неклёвым научным делишкам?

00:13:52,678 --> 00:13:54,901

— Ты в порядке? Терри?

— Давай-давай!

00:13:54,948 --> 00:13:55,849

Терри?

00:13:57,884 --> 00:13:59,928

Корво!

00:14:00,291 --> 00:14:01,370

Что ты делаешь?

00:14:01,404 --> 00:14:03,084

На этой неделе я веду «Субботний вечер».

00:14:03,105 --> 00:14:06,625

И мне нужна вся Э-Б-С,

потому что я не смешной.

00:14:06,654 --> 00:14:09,990

Но Идрис Эльба сказал не шутить с Э-Б-С!

00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:12,698

Идрис Эльба в этом ничего не понимает.

00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:20,010

А уж в этом-то точно!

00:14:28,841 --> 00:14:31,105

Черт! Мне конец. Я сломал Терри.

00:14:31,139 --> 00:14:32,960

Корво! Я убью тебя!

00:14:38,582 --> 00:14:40,052

Терри, прости меня за случившееся.

00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:43,104

Но я напишу тебе письмо и скажу,

чтобы ты был собой.

00:14:43,105 --> 00:14:44,585

Или что-то подобное.

00:14:44,586 --> 00:14:47,359

Надо будет над этим немного поработать.

00:14:47,373 --> 00:14:50,059

Но обещаю, ты станешь точно таким,

каким был прежде.

00:14:50,065 --> 00:14:52,087

Я не хочу! Я нравлюсь себе таким!

00:14:52,119 --> 00:14:54,504

Мне нравится красить глаза

и убивать тебя!

00:14:55,156 --> 00:14:57,681

В эфире «Субботний вечер»!

00:14:57,723 --> 00:15:01,372

Дамы и господа,

ваш ведущий — Юмьюла-а-ак!

00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:03,158

О боже!

00:15:03,979 --> 00:15:06,582

Бегите! Все бегите!

Я не контролирую его!

00:15:06,584 --> 00:15:08,044

Идрис Эльба был прав!

00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:10,462

Идрис Эльба был прав!

00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,626

— Мы должны взорвать этого подонка!

— Идите к черту!

00:15:28,646 --> 00:15:30,277

— Нам придётся!

— Я не позволю этого сделать!

00:15:30,324 --> 00:15:33,034

У нас нет выбора! Время вышло!

00:15:33,076 --> 00:15:34,632

— Надо взорвать Юмьюлака!

— Нет!

00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,715

Но генерал Миллс,

Манхэттен будет уничтожен,

00:15:36,717 --> 00:15:38,198

погибнут тысячи людей!

00:15:38,199 --> 00:15:40,683

Генерал Хоспитал,

придётся смириться с потерями.

00:15:40,712 --> 00:15:43,017

И потом, импровизация не удалась.

00:15:43,044 --> 00:15:45,174

Ладно, защита от самцов номер один.

00:15:45,175 --> 00:15:46,698

Приготовиться бомбардировщикам!

00:15:48,737 --> 00:15:50,259

Лишь один человек может помочь.

00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:53,545

Надеюсь, я успею к нему до того,

как все узнают, кто это.

00:16:03,117 --> 00:16:05,900

Сигурни Уивер? Это вы?

00:16:06,011 --> 00:16:08,944

Это я. Сьюзан Александра Уивер.

00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:10,138

Это ваше имя?

00:16:10,158 --> 00:16:12,604

— Да, но я предпочитаю Сигурни.

— Хорошо.

00:16:12,646 --> 00:16:14,732

Сигурни, я зашёл слишком далеко.

00:16:14,733 --> 00:16:16,594

Я слишком близко подлетел

к солнцу самцов,

00:16:16,615 --> 00:16:18,304

и теперь все умрут!

00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,596

Тише, дитя.

00:16:19,613 --> 00:16:21,054

Никто не умрёт.

00:16:21,088 --> 00:16:27,041

У меня есть то, благодаря чему

испокон веков можно останавливать Э-Б-С.

00:16:27,092 --> 00:16:30,036

Я сделана из М-В-Р —

00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,564

«Мне всё равно».

00:16:31,605 --> 00:16:34,922

Да, верно, мой милый мальчик,

00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:36,351

мне на всё плевать.

00:16:36,356 --> 00:16:37,406

Это так круто.

00:16:37,427 --> 00:16:39,689

А я хотел сделать тату

с логотипом «Арби'с» на спине.

00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:43,119

Нет. Просто ляг и расслабься.

00:16:59,109 --> 00:17:00,676

Это было потрясающе.

00:17:00,711 --> 00:17:02,057

Вы спасли мир.

00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:04,545

Юмьюлак, тебе не нужна Э-Б-С,

00:17:04,580 --> 00:17:06,671

чтобы быть таким, каким ты хочешь.

00:17:06,728 --> 00:17:08,842

Тебе надо лишь верить в себя.

00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:10,487

Повторяй за мной.

00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:12,370

— Мне всё равно.

— Продавать траву крутым парням.

00:17:12,389 --> 00:17:14,514

Да, простите, мне всё равно.

00:17:21,702 --> 00:17:24,135

Я так рада, что ты снова в норме.

00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:26,099

Я видел Сигурни Уивер.

00:17:26,135 --> 00:17:28,919

— Да. Я позвонила ей, и она пришла.

— Но как ты…

00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,497

Я младший член совета.

00:17:30,511 --> 00:17:32,422

Права голоса у меня нет, но худи дали.

00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:35,353

Не понимаю. Ты попала под обаяние Э-Б-С.

00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:38,395

Я наблюдала и выжидала

подходящий момент.

00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,398

Зачем было ждать, пока я не взорвусь

и не уничтожу город?

00:17:41,425 --> 00:17:43,422

Я же сказала, я пока младшая.

00:17:43,470 --> 00:17:45,033

Я еще не знаю всего.

00:17:56,014 --> 00:17:57,765

Терри, это всё моя вина.

00:17:57,792 --> 00:18:00,232

Я писал тебе письма,

чтобы изменить тебя.

00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:02,889

А ты превратился в психопата.

Это была ошибка.

00:18:02,931 --> 00:18:06,496

Позволь отправить последнее письмо.

Я всё исправлю. Обещаю.

00:18:06,497 --> 00:18:09,104

— Обещаешь?

— Да, Терри. Обещаю.

00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:10,453

Поздно.

00:18:13,219 --> 00:18:14,220

Прочитай, Терри.

00:18:14,369 --> 00:18:17,090

Не будь сволочью.

00:18:17,151 --> 00:18:19,108

Я не буду этого читать.

00:18:19,109 --> 00:18:22,362

Я такой, какой есть. И меня не изменить.

00:19:33,944 --> 00:19:35,001

КНИГА ВОСПОМИНАНИЙ ЯСМИНЫ

00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:36,707

Я СОХРАНИЛА ЭТО ДЛЯ ТЕБЯ

00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:39,663

Дорогой Терри, будь собой.

00:19:39,664 --> 00:19:41,513

Этого достаточно для меня.

00:19:41,568 --> 00:19:44,023

И кровь не может превратиться

в шлорпианских мышей.

00:19:44,036 --> 00:19:45,913

Неужели ты купился? Это так глупо.

00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,633

Ты самый тупой из всех, ха-ха-ха.

00:19:47,668 --> 00:19:49,255

Твой друг Корво.

00:20:05,752 --> 00:20:07,794

Дорогой Корво, если за тобой погонится

00:20:07,795 --> 00:20:09,855

суперкрасивый убийца-психопат,

00:20:09,972 --> 00:20:11,014

сверни налево!

00:20:19,029 --> 00:20:20,989

Налево! Свернуть налево!

00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:33,644

Эй! Корвотрон, ты в порядке?

00:20:33,659 --> 00:20:35,920

Я порезал помидоры для сальсы.

00:20:35,941 --> 00:20:37,322

Надеюсь, ты не заболел.

00:20:37,327 --> 00:20:40,035

Я сегодня не настроен

работать на корабле.

00:20:40,063 --> 00:20:42,362

Идем, хочешь посмотреть

все серии «Форсажа»,

00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:44,778

включая «Форсаж: Хоббс и Шоу»?

00:20:44,806 --> 00:20:46,153

Да, Терри,

00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,584

было бы

00:20:47,609 --> 00:20:48,659

клёво.

00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:10,660

Эта штука - маленькая темпераментная сучка,

00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,740

так что будь готов тут же отключить источник питания.

00:00:12,740 --> 00:00:14,700

- Будь готов, как шлорпианец.

- Понял тебя!

00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,160

Терри, выключай!

00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,540

Терри! Давай! Черт, блять!

00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:22,790

Терри! Черт! Терри! Терри!

00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,500

Понял тебя!

00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,380

Понял тебя! Понял тебя!

00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,010

Понял тебя! Понял тебя!

00:00:29,010 --> 00:00:30,300

Понял тебя!

00:00:31,470 --> 00:00:33,300

Черт, я забыл про Корво!

00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,140

Помоги мне, Терри. Думаю, я умираю.

00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:38,100

Прошу, отмени мою подписку на Goop.

00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:40,270

О боже, о нет. Мне так жаль, Корво.

00:00:40,270 --> 00:00:42,310

Итак, надо нажать на зелёную или жёлтую кнопку?

00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,190

Я все забываю, прямо как Фрэнки Муниз.

00:00:44,190 --> 00:00:45,980

Это не шутка. У него серьёзная травма головы.

00:00:51,030 --> 00:00:54,030

Терри, я спрошу лишь раз и не смей мне врать:

00:00:54,030 --> 00:00:55,740

ты покинул свой пост и поехал в Диснейленд?

00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,080

Что? Нет, я...

00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,000

Я купил это в магазине Target.

00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,000

Я точно знаю, что все это не продаётся в Target.

00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,830

Онлайн продаётся. Чёрная пятница, получил оповещение.

00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,460

Черт, наверное, моё письмо попало в спам.

00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:07,000

Чертова Хулу-почта - отстой. Перешлёшь мне его?

00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,550

Давай лучше вернёмся к тебе. Сейчас освобожу тебя.

00:01:09,550 --> 00:01:10,840

Черт, черт, черт!

00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,050

Какая там кнопка?

00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:13,550

- Какая кнопка?

- Терри!

00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:17,060

Планета Шлорп являлась идеальной утопией.

00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:18,890

До падения астероида.

00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:22,100

Сотня взрослых и репликантов улетели с планеты вместе с Пупой

00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,230

и отправились в космос

00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:26,820

в поисках нового дома на необитаемой планете.

00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,320

Мы упали на Землю и застряли на этой уже и так перенаселённой планете.

00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:31,950

Верно, это я говорил все это время.

00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:33,860

Я тот, который держит Пупу. Меня зовут Корво.

00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:36,120

Это... это моё шоу. Я только что уронил Пупу. Видите меня?

00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,580

Это просто смешно.

00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:39,660

Я ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.

00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:40,540

Люди глупые.

00:01:40,540 --> 00:01:42,660

Почему они так хотят оставаться живыми?

00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:44,460

Они не знают, что когда умираешь, то становишься сильнее,

00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:45,750

просто с привкусом земли?

00:01:55,096 --> 00:01:57,426

Сигурни Уивер - твой пример идеальной Земной детки?

00:01:57,426 --> 00:01:58,306

Эм, да!

00:01:58,306 --> 00:01:59,636

Она женщина науки,

00:01:59,636 --> 00:02:01,726

и у неё уже были отношения с инопланетянами.

00:02:01,726 --> 00:02:03,476

А ещё у неё бицепсы как у молодого Эл Гора.

00:02:03,476 --> 00:02:05,106

И она точно красотка.

00:02:05,106 --> 00:02:06,436

Я бы поставила булочку в её духовку.

00:02:07,856 --> 00:02:11,526

Эй, смотрите. У этого придурка без члена висит постер Сигурни Уивер!

00:02:11,526 --> 00:02:13,736

Как ты смеешь, она горячая американская женщина!

00:02:13,736 --> 00:02:15,326

Я знаю!

00:02:15,326 --> 00:02:18,196

Именно поэтому у тебя нет никакого права вешать её постер в своём шкафчике.

00:02:18,196 --> 00:02:20,786

Она пыталась спасти На'ви, а ещё благодаря ей курить снова стало круто.

00:02:20,786 --> 00:02:22,366

А что вообще сделал ты?

00:02:22,366 --> 00:02:24,416

Ты никогда не будешь достаточно сильным, достаточно крутым

00:02:24,416 --> 00:02:27,046

или достаточно уверенным, чтобы заполучить такую женщину, как Сиги Уив.

00:02:29,126 --> 00:02:32,176

Директор Кук, вы собирается что-нибудь делать с этой травлей?

00:02:32,176 --> 00:02:33,136

Да.

00:02:33,836 --> 00:02:36,216

Будешь оставаться после уроков за то, что даже подумал о том,

00:02:36,216 --> 00:02:37,676

что мог бы быть с кем-то, как Сигурни Уивер!

00:02:37,676 --> 00:02:40,636

Она получила Грэмми за лучший разговорный альбом, кусок ты дерьма!

00:02:40,636 --> 00:02:43,896

- Ты в порядке?

- Что? Конечно. А ты в порядке?

00:02:43,896 --> 00:02:45,856

Я просто супер. С большой "C".

00:02:45,856 --> 00:02:48,146

Я думала, что Стейси К. кинула в меня козявкой на математике,

00:02:48,146 --> 00:02:49,986

но оказалось, что это всего лишь стирка,

00:02:49,986 --> 00:02:51,106

думаю, мы теперь лучшие подружки.

00:02:51,106 --> 00:02:53,316

Боже, Джесси, хватит надо мной издеваться!

00:02:53,316 --> 00:02:55,656

Ладно, все не в порядке! Ты это хотела услышать?

00:02:55,656 --> 00:02:57,616

Я просто... Я хочу уничтожить этих крутых ребят,

00:02:57,616 --> 00:03:00,196

но Корво деактивировал все это прекрасное оружие в моем костюме.

00:03:00,196 --> 00:03:01,116

Знаешь, что тебе делать?

00:03:01,116 --> 00:03:04,036

Пойти в спортзал, поднимать веса, может, даже заниматься кроссфитом,

00:03:04,036 --> 00:03:05,666

а потом, когда ты будешь качком и все такое,

00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:08,126

ты вернёшься и изобьёшь этих крутых ребят.

00:03:08,126 --> 00:03:09,126

Ты думаешь, что это сработает?

00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,916

Я уверена! Так что, прислушаешься и пойдёшь в зал?

00:03:11,916 --> 00:03:13,256

Черт возьми, нет. Твоя идея - отстой.

00:03:13,256 --> 00:03:15,176

Я знаю, что мне делать.

00:03:15,176 --> 00:03:16,296

Вот они удивятся!

00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,056

- Только не говори о ядовитых...

- Ядовитые змеи!

00:03:19,006 --> 00:03:22,226

Хола, Корвито! Я принёс тебе кое-что мексиканское из Pedro's.

00:03:22,226 --> 00:03:24,226

чтобы извиниться за тот инцидент.

00:03:24,226 --> 00:03:25,596

Тут столько сальсы специально для тебя.

00:03:25,596 --> 00:03:28,566

Терри, последний раз говорю: сальса - не равно извинения.

00:03:28,566 --> 00:03:31,026

AИ ты знаешь, что из этих мексиканских ресторанов мне нравится

00:03:31,026 --> 00:03:32,986

только нарезанный редис!

00:03:32,986 --> 00:03:35,156

Мне больше достанется. Эй, а это что за плохиш?

00:03:35,156 --> 00:03:37,906

Не трогай. Этот "плохиш" может отправлять гарантийные письма

00:03:37,906 --> 00:03:41,036

на фабрику на Шлорпе, где и был сделан этот Диод.

00:03:41,036 --> 00:03:43,906

А разве Шлорп не взлетел на воздух, как взлетел новый сингл Лиззо? Актуальненько.

00:03:43,906 --> 00:03:46,326

Да, но эта штука использует временной адрес,

00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:50,336

так что можно отправлять письма на Шлорп до того, как он бум-бум-пау.

00:03:50,336 --> 00:03:53,586

Я пытался дополнить твою отсылку на музыку.

00:03:54,296 --> 00:03:57,466

Так что они смогут починить этот дефект ещё на фабрике до сборки.

00:03:57,466 --> 00:03:59,596

А теперь садись и смотри, как Корво

00:03:59,596 --> 00:04:01,466

все исправит.

00:04:09,056 --> 00:04:11,146

У нас очередная жалоба на дефект

00:04:11,146 --> 00:04:13,936

Диода под номером зорк-6915.

00:04:13,936 --> 00:04:15,566

И кто постоянно съедает мой обед?!

00:04:15,566 --> 00:04:17,316

Ну серьёзно. На нем даже моё имя написано.

00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:20,026

Прекрати, черт возьми, улыбаться, Грант. Я же знаю, что это ты!

00:04:23,866 --> 00:04:26,206

Я понял, это почта работает прямо как

00:04:26,206 --> 00:04:28,036

в том слезливом фильме с Сэнди Буллок - "Дом у озера".

00:04:28,036 --> 00:04:31,546

Во-первых, её зовут Сандра, прояви уважение.

00:04:31,546 --> 00:04:34,836

И, во-вторых, это высоконаучный, точечно настроенный портал,

00:04:34,836 --> 00:04:37,586

который действует как квантовая служба путешествий во времени.

00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:40,426

Все не так, как в том отстойном фильме, который никто и не смотрел.

00:04:40,426 --> 00:04:42,056

Во-первых, фильм не такой уж и отстойный.

00:04:42,056 --> 00:04:43,676

Во-первых, его видели все.

00:04:43,676 --> 00:04:46,226

И, в-третьих, это именно то, что было в фильме!

00:04:46,226 --> 00:04:48,306

Черт возьми, Терри, это не может быть похоже на Дом у озера!

00:04:50,646 --> 00:04:53,276

Итак, это немного абсолютно похоже на Дом у озера.

00:04:53,276 --> 00:04:54,146

А я говорил!

00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:57,106

Может, теперь ты наконец поверишь, что я увидел "Мега", когда нырял с маской.

00:04:57,106 --> 00:04:59,446

Боже, ты не мог видеть Мег.

00:04:59,446 --> 00:05:00,616

Вернёмся к работе,

00:05:00,616 --> 00:05:02,406

а ещё тебе надо убрать попкорн, который ты рассыпал,

00:05:02,406 --> 00:05:03,696

когда Киану снял рубашку.

00:05:03,696 --> 00:05:06,246

Ага, нет, спасибо, я не хочу возвращаться к работе.

00:05:06,246 --> 00:05:08,996

Лучше я схаваю большую пачку сникерса со вкусом мяса,

00:05:08,996 --> 00:05:10,456

пока лежу тут и пускаю газы.

00:05:10,456 --> 00:05:11,956

Терри, соберись и объясни мне,

00:05:11,956 --> 00:05:13,586

почему ты такой ленивый кусок дерьма?

00:05:13,586 --> 00:05:15,836

Отличный вопрос, КВ. Я таким вырос.

00:05:15,836 --> 00:05:18,466

Я ленив с самого детства, когда был ещё маленьким репликантом,

00:05:18,466 --> 00:05:20,176

добиваясь красоток на детской площадке.

00:05:20,176 --> 00:05:21,176

Лишь я и красотки.

00:05:21,176 --> 00:05:22,386

Разве ты не хотел бы быть как я:

00:05:22,386 --> 00:05:24,556

следовать правилам, усердно работать, быть стройным.

00:05:24,556 --> 00:05:25,926

То есть, охеренно классным.

00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:28,476

Слушай, никто и никто в этом времени и пространстве

00:05:28,476 --> 00:05:29,596

не изменит меня.

00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,976

Ты меня не изменишь, ты меня не изменишь.

00:05:31,976 --> 00:05:34,646

У меня появилась очень конкретная идея.

00:05:34,646 --> 00:05:36,356

Компьютер, активируй Аишу.

00:05:36,356 --> 00:05:38,606

Корво, давай быстрее, я просматриваю свои сториз.

00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,446

Если бы я изменил адрес на письме, которое

00:05:40,446 --> 00:05:42,156

я отправлю через прибор из Дома у озера,

00:05:42,156 --> 00:05:44,286

то получится ли доставить его шлорпианцу в прошлое?

00:05:44,286 --> 00:05:48,036

Технически, да, но негарантийное путешествие во времени аннулирует гарантию.

00:05:48,036 --> 00:05:51,126

Хм, я люблю гарантии. Но это того стоит.

00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:55,706

Дорогой Молодой Терри, надеюсь, это письмо найдёт тебя в здравии...

00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:07,216

Я очень надеюсь, что ты посвятишь свою жизнь науке,

00:06:07,216 --> 00:06:09,806

а ещё будешь прибираться и не будешь таким ленивым куском дерьма.

00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,976

Суть в том, что если ты этого не сделаешь,

00:06:11,976 --> 00:06:14,226

твоя кровь превратится в летучих шлормышей.

00:06:14,226 --> 00:06:17,396

Ты знаешь, кто это такие. Твой друг, загадочный человек.

00:06:17,856 --> 00:06:19,486

Мне лучше перестать лениться!

00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:22,106

Прости, Юм, у меня больше нет супер-ядовитых змей.

00:06:22,106 --> 00:06:22,986

А что у тебя есть, Дерек?

00:06:23,526 --> 00:06:25,946

У этих утконосов есть жала, которые выделяют яд,

00:06:25,946 --> 00:06:27,536

которые могут нехерово так отравить.

00:06:27,536 --> 00:06:29,496

Серьёзно? Они кажутся такими милыми.

00:06:29,496 --> 00:06:32,366

Милыми? Посмотри-ка на это. Родни тестирует все моё дерьмо. Йо, Род!

00:06:33,786 --> 00:06:35,036

Покажи им, Ни.

00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:40,756

Круто! Я беру.

00:06:40,756 --> 00:06:43,386

Доброе утро, соня!

00:06:43,386 --> 00:06:44,676

- Только встал?

- Да.

00:06:44,676 --> 00:06:46,966

Ты встал так рано и чувствуешь себя бодрым?

00:06:46,966 --> 00:06:47,966

Как и обычно!

00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:49,556

Я уже сделал все по кораблю,

00:06:49,556 --> 00:06:51,096

прибрался в доме, сложил белье.

00:06:51,096 --> 00:06:53,096

Знаешь, как говорят, если ты будешь ленивым куском дерьма,

00:06:53,096 --> 00:06:54,356

кровь превратится в летучих мышей!

00:06:55,146 --> 00:06:58,066

Черт возьми! Прибор из Дома у озера сработал!

00:06:58,066 --> 00:07:00,856

Так много власти, нужно вести себя разумно и не злоупотреблять.

00:07:02,446 --> 00:07:05,196

Ты ешь хлопья вилкой?

00:07:05,196 --> 00:07:06,826

Эм, да, а как ещё их есть?

00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,116

Прости, если это раздражает.

00:07:08,116 --> 00:07:10,196

Мне нравится ощущение зубчиков, когда они касаются зубов.

00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:12,406

Я скоро вернусь.

00:07:18,206 --> 00:07:21,506

Корво, а я вот ем хлопья, используя ложку, как нормальный человек.

00:07:21,506 --> 00:07:23,626

Эй, после того, как я доем, хочешь весь день составлять

00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:25,046

список наших любимых кнопок на корабле?

00:07:25,046 --> 00:07:27,636

То есть, номер 1 это - это точно лазер 17.

00:07:27,636 --> 00:07:30,306

Но номер 2... кто знает!

00:07:30,306 --> 00:07:32,266

Было бы здорово!

00:07:33,636 --> 00:07:37,016

Ауч, прекратите! Хватит, сучки!

00:07:37,516 --> 00:07:39,106

а потом, когда ты будешь качком и все такое,

00:07:39,106 --> 00:07:41,776

ты вернёшься и изобьёшь этих крутых ребят.

00:07:41,776 --> 00:07:43,736

Какая отличная идея!

00:07:43,736 --> 00:07:45,946

Валите отсюда, уткососы!

00:07:49,026 --> 00:07:51,696

Привет, меня зовут Юмьюлак. Да, знаю, это глупое имя.

00:07:51,696 --> 00:07:55,206

Я должен стать качком и все такое, чтобы у меня было много мышц и уверенности в себе,

00:07:55,206 --> 00:07:57,786

чтобы меня все уважали и я не чувствовал себя лузером.

00:07:57,786 --> 00:07:59,586

Так что, очевидно, ставки высоки.

00:07:59,586 --> 00:08:01,956

И это должно произойти к завтрашнему дню до школы.

00:08:01,956 --> 00:08:05,466

Мы бы хотел помочь тебе, приятель, но мы были такими же лузерами, как и ты.

00:08:05,466 --> 00:08:08,386

Мы думали, что если накачаемся, то все будут уважать нас.

00:08:08,386 --> 00:08:10,966

Мы годами поднимали веса и кололи стероиды.

00:08:10,966 --> 00:08:13,226

Я серьёзно не могу увидеть свои яйца, настолько они сжались.

00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,346

А ещё есть акне.

00:08:14,346 --> 00:08:17,686

Акне на спине, заднице и мошонке.

00:08:17,686 --> 00:08:18,806

Святая троица, йо.

00:08:18,806 --> 00:08:20,266

Но в-вы кажетесь такими уверенными...

00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,356

Это все ложь.

00:08:21,356 --> 00:08:23,566

Поверь мне, уверенность не появится

00:08:23,566 --> 00:08:26,156

от коктейля из виагры, гормонов роста

00:08:26,156 --> 00:08:28,156

и мочи Джона Хэмма.

00:08:28,156 --> 00:08:29,776

Спортзал не поможет.

00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:32,366

Уверенность должна быть внутри тебя.

00:08:32,366 --> 00:08:33,866

И у кого она есть?

00:08:33,866 --> 00:08:34,956

Тот парень.

00:08:35,996 --> 00:08:37,996

Придурок, который выглядит как Пит Дэвидсон?

00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:40,786

- Что у тебя есть такого?

- ЭБЧ.

00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:42,666

Энергия Большого Члена.

00:08:43,756 --> 00:08:45,296

Черт возьми!

00:08:45,296 --> 00:08:46,966

ЭБЧ работает.

00:08:46,966 --> 00:08:50,006

О да. Но её не получить, с ней нужно родиться.

00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:51,676

Мы посмотрим, что об этом скажет наука.

00:09:01,265 --> 00:09:03,685

Эй, Юмьюлак, как там дела с утконосами?

00:09:03,685 --> 00:09:05,065

Я забил на них. Пошёл в зал.

00:09:05,065 --> 00:09:06,605

Отлично, я знала, что права.

00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:07,775

Неа, на это я тоже забил.

00:09:07,775 --> 00:09:09,695

Я делаю себе огромный член.

00:09:09,695 --> 00:09:12,155

Вау, а многое поменялось с тех пор, как я последний раз тебя видела.

00:09:12,155 --> 00:09:14,865

Это Энергия Большого Члена, и когда я её заполучу, меня будет не остановить.

00:09:14,865 --> 00:09:17,615

Не знаю, большой член - это как-то опасно.

00:09:23,955 --> 00:09:26,005

Давай-ка выгуляет этот большой член.

00:09:26,005 --> 00:09:28,175

Что бы ты ни делал, это будет круто.

00:09:28,175 --> 00:09:29,175

Это точно.

00:09:29,885 --> 00:09:32,965

♪ Что это за горячий парень, кто решил быть собой ♪

00:09:32,965 --> 00:09:35,845

♪ Цепь на моей шее, отжигаю по полной ♪

00:09:35,845 --> 00:09:38,305

♪ Натягиваю крупные задницы, пусть подойдут и получат ♪

00:09:38,305 --> 00:09:40,935

♪ О да, мне нравится такая жизнь ♪

00:09:40,935 --> 00:09:42,395

♪ Мы - это сенсация ♪

00:09:42,395 --> 00:09:44,475

Юмьюлак, прости меня за вчера.

00:09:44,475 --> 00:09:46,645

Держи ручную пилу и порнушку,

00:09:46,645 --> 00:09:48,315

которую я отобрал у одного ученика.

00:09:48,315 --> 00:09:50,815

Все хорошо? Да, у нас все хорошо-о. Да.

00:09:50,815 --> 00:09:51,985

Вот и мы.

00:09:51,985 --> 00:09:53,735

Только закончил с мытьём этого парня!

00:09:53,735 --> 00:09:56,245

Если не мыть Пупу, твоя кровь превратится в летучих мышей.

00:09:56,245 --> 00:09:58,365

Как же много штук может превратить кровь в летучих мышей...

00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,995

О да, я знаю.

00:09:59,995 --> 00:10:02,495

Ладно, пора посмотреть фильм.

00:10:02,495 --> 00:10:05,005

Думаю, мы могли бы посмотреть учебный фильм о рычагах.

00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,045

Это-это очень захватывающе.

00:10:06,045 --> 00:10:08,165

О, ну уж нет!

00:10:08,165 --> 00:10:10,135

Мы будем смотреть все фильмы Форсажа

00:10:10,135 --> 00:10:12,045

в хронологическом порядке.

00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,845

Так, как хотел Винни Дизель.

00:10:14,595 --> 00:10:16,055

Я сейчас вернусь.

00:10:18,135 --> 00:10:20,895

Рычаги! Рычаги! Рычаги!

00:10:20,895 --> 00:10:22,105

Рычаги лучшие!

00:10:22,105 --> 00:10:23,685

О, вы как раз вовремя, мы будем смотреть фильмы.

00:10:23,685 --> 00:10:24,855

Мы будем смотреть документалку...

00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:28,065

Нет, сегодня мы будем смотреть то, что хочу я:

00:10:28,065 --> 00:10:31,065

либо русские видео автокатастроф, либо Паддингтон 2.

00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,235

- Как хочешь.

- Звучит круто.

00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:35,195

О боже, ЭБЧ реальна.

00:10:35,195 --> 00:10:37,035

И огромна.

00:10:37,035 --> 00:10:40,075

♪ Он раскачивается, детка, раскачивается ♪

00:10:40,785 --> 00:10:43,625

Эй, смотрите, это моя пародия на чувака из Фортнайта.

00:10:43,625 --> 00:10:46,165

Впереди стена, что же мне делать.

00:10:46,165 --> 00:10:49,085

Юм, ты просто упад!

00:10:49,085 --> 00:10:50,585

Ты просто как мем.

00:10:50,585 --> 00:10:53,215

♪ Он раскачивается, детка, раскачивается ♪

00:10:54,635 --> 00:10:58,765

Терри, эм, ты мог бы почистить и подготовить все 72.000 микронавтов?

00:10:58,765 --> 00:11:00,555

Мне нужно починить гиперпалубу,

00:11:00,555 --> 00:11:01,845

Так точно! Ты же главный!

00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:05,225

♪ Дай свои денежки, иначе я валю ♪

00:11:05,225 --> 00:11:08,025

♪ Моё запястье замёрзло, оно во льду ♪

00:11:08,025 --> 00:11:10,985

♪ Разбрасываюсь деньгами, бросаю кости ♪

00:11:10,985 --> 00:11:13,445

♪ Вытираю ноги о восточные ковры ♪

00:11:16,785 --> 00:11:19,115

♪ Пью шампанское, трясу своим стволом ♪

00:11:19,115 --> 00:11:21,245

♪ Я бы мог купить особняк, если бы продал цепь ♪

00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,535

♪ Все как надо, я живу круто ♪

00:11:26,165 --> 00:11:27,835

Не забудьте, что на этой неделе будет

00:11:27,835 --> 00:11:29,665

Saturday Night Live

00:11:29,665 --> 00:11:31,585

с Юмьюлаком в качестве ведущего

00:11:31,585 --> 00:11:35,675

и Юмьюлаком в качестве музыкального гостя!

00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:38,005

Должна признать, эта ЭБЧ тащит.

00:11:38,005 --> 00:11:40,015

Ты даже ЖНБА сделал крутой.

00:11:40,015 --> 00:11:41,595

Типа, для всех. Не только для меня.

00:11:41,595 --> 00:11:44,395

Это даже лучше, чем мужской баскетбол, потому что

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им приходится думать об основных правилах игры.

00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:51,235

Идрис Эльба?

00:11:51,235 --> 00:11:52,945

Звезда сериала Прослушка от HBO?

00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:54,605

Вы были так круты в Большой игре!

00:11:54,605 --> 00:11:58,325

У вас было так много слов и вы даже правильно произнесли некоторые из них!

00:11:58,325 --> 00:11:59,155

Привет, Джесси.

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Вы знаете моё имя? Да я сейчас в обморок упаду.

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Я знаю о тебе все.

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И про Юмьюлака тоже.

00:12:05,075 --> 00:12:06,245

Мы следим за вами.

00:12:06,245 --> 00:12:07,995

Кто следит за мной, Идрис Эльба?

00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,005

Совет Энергии Большого Члена.

00:12:10,005 --> 00:12:14,175

Мы - секретное братство. Долго объяснять.

00:12:14,175 --> 00:12:16,005

Хм, это сборище парней с большими членами?

00:12:16,005 --> 00:12:18,305

Ну да, типа того. Но ты должен понимать,

00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,595

что наш Совет веками

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поддерживает хрупкий баланс энергии во всем мире,

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но из-за твоей новой ЭБЧ все трещит по швам.

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Это значит, что все очень плохо.

00:12:27,935 --> 00:12:29,145

Я знаю, что это значит.

00:12:29,145 --> 00:12:32,025

Я предлагаю тебе членство в Совете.

00:12:32,025 --> 00:12:35,275

Кристиан Бэйл ушёл после того, как уменьшил член для роли.

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Ты можешь стать великим,

00:12:36,695 --> 00:12:39,985

но только если направишь свою силу во благо.

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И мой ответ... нет!

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Мне не нужен ты или твой тупой Совет.

00:12:44,535 --> 00:12:47,075

ЭБЧ сильнее любого мужчины,

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и если ты не будешь осторожен, она поглотит тебя.

00:12:49,455 --> 00:12:51,245

Ты угрожаешь мне, Идрис Эльба?

00:12:51,245 --> 00:12:52,415

Просто ставлю перед фактом.

00:12:52,415 --> 00:12:54,665

Давай-ка ты просто отвалишь от меня.

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Я сделаю свой член таким большим,

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что и ты, и твой тупой Совет будут умолять его отсосать!

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Ммм, попка пахнет Лютером.

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Обычно в этот момент корабль начинает тормозить

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из-за нулевой гравитации, но если мы

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усилим траекторию полёта с постоянной тягой,

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избавимся от растяжения времени!

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Да!

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Должен признаться, Терри, я очень рад

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чинить корабль вместе с тобой.

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Все идеально. Ты идеален.

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Больше ничего не нужно менять.

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Чувак, то же самое. Мне нравится работать с тобой над всякой научной фигней.

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Это так клёво!

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Ненавижу это слово.

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Какое? "Клёво"? Жаль, потому что "клёво" -

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это клёвое слово,

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и я буду говорить его до тех пор, пока оно снова не станет клёвым.

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Клёво! Клёво-клёво-клёво!

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Сейчас вернусь.

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Все. Это последнее.

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Клянусь. Точно последнее.

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Терри, вернёмся к нашим не-клёвым делам?

00:13:51,765 --> 00:13:54,105

Ты в порядке? Терри?

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- Давай, давай.

- Терри!

00:13:57,735 --> 00:13:59,695

Корво!

00:14:00,365 --> 00:14:01,365

Ты что делаешь?

00:14:01,365 --> 00:14:03,115

Меня позвали в шоу на этой неделе,

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и мне нужна вся ЭБЧ в мире, потому что я не смешной!

00:14:06,655 --> 00:14:10,165

Но Идрис Эльба говорил тебе не шутить с ЭБЧ!

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Идрис Эльба нихера не понимает в херах!

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И он уж точно ничего не поймёт, когда членов будет два!

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Черт, я облажался. Я сломал Терри.

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Корво! Я тебя убью!

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Терри, мне очень жаль, что так вышло.

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Но не волнуйся, я напишу в новом письме "оставайся собой"

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или что-нибудь поубедительней.

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Я все исправлю, просто дай немного времени.

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Обещаю, ты станешь таким, как прежде!

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Я не хочу меняться! Меня все устраивает!

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Мне нравится красить глаза и убивать тебя!

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Это "Субботним вечером в прямом эфире"!

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Дамы и господа, наш гость - Юмьюлак!

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Божечки!

00:15:04,005 --> 00:15:06,505

Бегите! Бегите все! Я теряю контроль!

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Идрис Эльба был прав!

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Идрис Эльба был прав!

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У нас нет выбора! Время уходит, черт подери!

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Надо взорвать Юмьюлака!

- Нет!

00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:36,709

Но, генерал Миллс, это уничтожит Манхеттен

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и убьёт тысячи невинных людей!

00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:40,749

Генерал Госпиталь, нам придётся на это пойти.

00:15:40,749 --> 00:15:43,089

К тому же, искусство импровизации давно мертво.

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Все, членоготовность номер один.

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Готовьтесь ко взрыву!

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Только один человек может помочь.

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Надеюсь, я смогу вовремя его привести и не выдать, кто же это.

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Сигурни Уивер? Это ты?

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Да, это я, Сьюзен Александра Уивер.

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Это твоё настоящее имя?

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- Да, но все называют меня Сигурни.

- Хорошо звучит.

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Сигурни, я зашёл слишком далеко.

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Я слишком приблизился к членосолнцу,

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и теперь все умрут.

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Тише, дитя моё.

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Сегодня никто не умрёт.

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Потому что у меня есть то,

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что с самого начала времён

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было способно остановить ЭБЧ.

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Я состою из чистого МСП.

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Мне Совершенно Похер.

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Все верно, мой милый мальчик,

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Плевать мне на все.

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Это так круто.

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Я думал набить на спине логотип МакДональдса.

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Нет. Просто сядь и расслабься.

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Это было невероятно.

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Ты спасла мир.

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Юмьюлак, тебе не нужна ЭБЧ,

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чтобы стать тем, кем ты хочешь.

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Ты просто должен верить в себя.

00:17:08,879 --> 00:17:10,429

А теперь повторяй за мной:

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Плевать на все.

- Я стану продавать травку.

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Ну да, прости, мне наплевать.

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Я так рада, что твои пенисы больше не взрываются.

00:17:24,229 --> 00:17:26,229

Я встретил Сигурни Уивер.

00:17:26,229 --> 00:17:28,899

- Да, это я её позвала. И она пришла.

- Но как ты...

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Я младший участник!

00:17:30,489 --> 00:17:32,319

Я не могу голосовать на собраниях, но худи дали.

00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:35,369

Я не понимаю... на тебя же действовала моя ЭБЧ.

00:17:35,369 --> 00:17:38,369

Я просто наблюдала и ждала подходящего момента.

00:17:38,369 --> 00:17:41,419

Но почему ты дождалась, когда мои члены взорвутся и разрушат город?

00:17:41,419 --> 00:17:43,419

Говорю тебе, я ещё младший участник!

00:17:43,419 --> 00:17:45,089

Я пока не врубилась во всю эту фигню!

00:17:55,349 --> 00:17:57,809

Терри, это все моя вина!

00:17:57,809 --> 00:18:00,139

Я писал письма, чтобы сделать из тебя того, кем ты никогда не был.

00:18:00,139 --> 00:18:02,899

Я превратил тебя в убийцу-психопата. Но это неправильно.

00:18:02,899 --> 00:18:06,319

Если ты дашь мне отправить последнее письмо, все вернётся на свои места. Обещаю.

00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,819

- Обещаешь?

- Да, Терри! Я обещаю.

00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:10,949

Слишком поздно.

00:18:13,239 --> 00:18:14,199

Прочти его, Терри.

00:18:14,199 --> 00:18:17,239

Не будь маленькой сучкой.

00:18:17,239 --> 00:18:19,119

Я никогда не прочту его.

00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,249

Теперь я такой. И ничто меня не изменит!

00:19:37,739 --> 00:19:39,699

Дорогой Терри, просто будь собой.

00:19:39,699 --> 00:19:41,619

И для меня этого всегда будет достаточно.

00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:44,039

И кровь не может превращаться в шлорпмышей.

00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:45,919

Не могу поверить, что ты купился на это. Тупица.

00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,749

Ты тупейшая тупица в мире, ха-ха.

00:19:47,749 --> 00:19:49,879

Твой друг Корво.

00:20:05,809 --> 00:20:07,769

Дорогой Корво, если тебя будет преследовать

00:20:07,769 --> 00:20:10,059

суперкрасивый убийца-психопат,

00:20:10,059 --> 00:20:10,899

поворачивай налево!

00:20:19,069 --> 00:20:20,949

Налево! Я должен повернуть налево!

00:20:31,499 --> 00:20:33,629

Эй, Корвотрон, все нормально?

00:20:33,629 --> 00:20:35,919

Я режу помидорки для своей фирменной сальсы.

00:20:35,919 --> 00:20:37,259

Чувак, надеюсь, ты не заболел,

00:20:37,259 --> 00:20:40,049

потому что я не хочу сегодня чинить что-нибудь на корабле.

00:20:40,049 --> 00:20:42,259

Идём, посмотрим вместе все "Форсажи",

00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:44,849

в том числе "Форсаж: Хоббс и Шоу".

00:20:44,849 --> 00:20:46,229

Хорошо, Терри.

00:20:46,229 --> 00:20:48,689

Это будет... клёво.

00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,888

This thing's a temperamental little slut,

so be ready to cut the power source ASAP.

00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,681

- As Shlorpian as possible.

-Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,143

Oh! Terry, turn it off! Terry! Do it now!

00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:22,773

Ow, fucking ow, ow, ow, fuck!

Terry! Fuck! Ow! Terry! Ow! Terry!

00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,400

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:30,280

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,283

Oh, crap! I forgot about Korvo!

00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:38,080

Help, Terry. I think I'm dying.

Please cancel my subscription to Goop.

00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,290

Oh, God, oh, no! I'm so sorry, Korv.

00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,583

Now, now is it the green button...

00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,668

...or the yellow one?

00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,086

I'm such a forgetful Frankie Muniz.

00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,672

That's not a joke,

he had a serious head injury.

00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,846

Terry, I'm gonna ask you one time

and you better not lie,

00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:55,722

did you abandon your post

and go to Disneyland?

00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:56,807

What? No, I was...

00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,017

I got these at Target.

00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,936

I know for a fact

they don't sell those at Target.

00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,771

Online they do.

Black Friday deal, got an email.

00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,523

Damn it, it probably went to my spam.

00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,276

Fucking Hulumail sucks.

Will you forward it to me?

00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,111

I'd have to get back to you.

Let's get you down from there.

00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,821

- Whoa!

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,114

Which button is it again?

00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,532

- Which button is it?

- Terry!

00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:18,495

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,290

One hundred adults and their replicants

00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:24,209

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:27,171

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,174

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,967

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,677

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,554

This is... This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,514

Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,309

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,561

Why are they all so excited

about keeping themselves alive?

00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,645

Don't they know when you die,

00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,731

you come back stronger

and with an earthier flavor?

00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,909

Sigourney Weaver

is your perfect Earth babe?

00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,327

Yeah!

00:01:58,410 --> 00:01:59,578

She's a woman of science,

00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,663

she already has

a prior relationship with aliens,

00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,457

and she has the biceps of a young Al Gore.

00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,501

She's one handsome lady, that's for sure.

I'd put a bun in that oven.

00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,253

Agh!

00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:11,465

Yo, check it. This dickless dork

has a poster of Sigourney Weaver!

00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,759

How dare you,

she's America's hot older aunt.

00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,302

- I know!

- Agh!

00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,095

Which is why you have no business

hanging a poster of her

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,180

- in your locker.

- Agh!

00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,724

She tried to save the Na'vi

while making smoking look cool again,

00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,267

- what the fuck did you ever do?

- Agh!

00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,312

You will never be strong enough,

cool enough or confident enough

00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,147

to get a woman like Sigi Weave.

00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,066

Ow!

00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,985

Principal Cooke, are you gonna

do something about this bullying?

00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,111

Yes.

00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,863

- Agh!

- Two weeks detention

00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,574

for thinking you could ever date a goddess

like Sigourney Weaver!

00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,619

She won a Spoken Word Grammy,

you piece of shit!

00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:41,745

You okay?

00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,789

What? Of course. Are you okay?

00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,874

I am super, capital S.

00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:48,126

I thought Stacy K.

flicked a booger at me in math,

00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:51,046

but it turns out it was just an eraser,

so I guess we're BFF's now...

00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,257

Jesus, Jesse, stop badgering me!

00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,634

Fine, I'm not okay.

Is that what you want to hear?

00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,553

I just...

I want to destroy those cool kids,

00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,138

but Korvo deactivated

all the awesome weapons in my suit.

00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,766

You know what you should do?

Go to a gym, start lifting weights,

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,644

maybe some crossfit and then

when you're all swole and shit,

00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,938

you can come back

and beat up all those cool kids.

00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,064

You really think that would work?

00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,942

Totally! So you're gonna

take my idea and hit the gym?

00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,277

Hell no! Your ideas suck.

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,238

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

They'll never see it coming.

00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,031

- Don't say poisonous...

- Poisonous snakes.

00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,244

Hola, Korvito!

I got you some Texi-Mexi from Pedro's

00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,121

to say sorry

for that little thing earlier.

00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,414

I scored you a bunch of salsa.

00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:26,748

Terry, for the last time,

00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,542

- salsa is not a real apology.

- Aw.

00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,919

And you know the only food I like eating

at those Mexican restaurants

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:33,005

are those sliced radishes. Mm

00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:35,048

More for me!

Hey, so what's this bad boy all about...

00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,801

Don't touch.

This bad boy can send warranty letters

00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,846

back to the factory on Shlorp

that made the diode in the first place.

00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,849

Wait. Didn't Shlorp blow up

like a new Lizzo single? Topical.

00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:47,811

Yes, but this uses a temporal address

that can send the letters back in time

00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,272

to before Shlorp went boom-boom-pow.

00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,193

I was trying to piggyback on... on...

on your... on your reference to music.

00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:57,362

Then they'll be able to fix this defect

before it even leaves the factory.

00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:01,742

Now sit back and watch Korvo

as he fixes everything.

00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:13,921

We got another complaint about the defect

on diode number zork-six-nine-one-five.

00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:17,299

And also who keeps eating my lunch?

Seriously. It has my name on it, guys.

00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,052

Stop fucking smiling, Grant,

I know it's you.

00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,141

Oh, I get it, so this mailbox

works just like the one

00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,060

from the Sandy Bullock tear-jerker,

The Lake House.

00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,522

First, her God-given name is Sandra,

show some respect.

00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,816

And second, this is a highly scientific,

carefully calibrated portal

00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,528

that acts as a quantum time travel

customer service line.

00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,197

It's not like some crappy movie

nobody's ever seen.

00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,575

First, not a crappy movie.

Two, everybody's seen it.

00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,119

And three, it's basically

the thing from the movie.

00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,330

God damn it, Terry.

It's nothing like The Lake House!

00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,293

So it's a little exactly

like The Lake House.

00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,170

Told ya! Maybe now you'll finally believe

00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,005

that I saw a "The Meg"

when I went snorkeling.

00:04:57,089 --> 00:05:00,592

Oh, my God! You did not see a "The Meg".

Let's get back to work

00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,595

and you need to clean up the popcorn

you spilled when Keanu took his shirt off.

00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,265

Yeah! No thanks to the whole

"getting back to work" plan.

00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,934

Instead, I'm gonna crush a big bag

of Buffalo flavored Snickers

00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,435

while I lay here and fart.

00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,605

Terry, straight up, real talk.

Why are you such a lazy piece of shit?

00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,732

Great question KV. I was grown this way.

00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,402

I've been lazy all my life,

ever since I was a little replicant

00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,154

bird-dogging thotties on the playground.

Just me and the thots.

00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:22,281

Wouldn't you rather be like me?

00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,909

Rule-following, hardworking, slim.

Basically fucking amazing.

00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,453

Look, nothing and no one

in this present time and space

00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,580

is gwan change me.

00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,206

You can't change me, you can't change me

You can't change me...

00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,626

Oh! This gives me a very specific idea.

00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,336

Computer activate Aisha.

00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,589

Korvo, make it quick.

You know I'm watching my stories.

00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,965

If I were to change the address

00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,092

on the letter I send

through The Lake House device,

00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,261

will it get delivered

to any Shlorpian in the past?

00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,598

Technically, yes, but non-warranty

time travel voids the warranty.

00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,101

Hmm. I do like warranties,

but it's worth a shot.

00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,731

Dearest Young Terry,

I pray this letter finds you well.

00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:07,117

My sincere hope is that

you will dedicate your life to science

00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,786

and cleaning up and not being

such a lazy piece of shit.

00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,872

The truth is,

if you don't do those things,

00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,999

your blood will turn into shlorbats.

00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,794

You know what they are.

Your friend, mystery person.

00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,505

I better stop being lazy.

00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,840

Sorry, Yum. I'm fresh out of

the super poisonous snakes.

00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:22,966

What else you got, Derek?

00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,844

These platypi got stingers in them

that emit a poison

00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,471

that can seriously fuck somebody up.

00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,431

Really? They look so cute.

00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:32,392

Cute? Check this.

Rodney tests all my shit. Yo, Rod!

00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,020

Show 'em, Ney.

00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:37,898

Agh! Oh!

00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,776

Sweet. I'll take 'em.

00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:44,071

Good morning, sleepy peepy!

You just getting up?

00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:46,907

Yes. Have you been getting

a jump start on the day?

00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:47,991

You know it, my man!

00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,036

I already did all the work on the ship,

cleaned the house, folded the laundry.

00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,162

You know what they say,

00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,331

if you're a lazy piece of shit,

your blood will turn to bats!

00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,918

Holy Fuck! The Lake House device worked!

00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,796

This is a lot of power,

gotta be careful about not abusing it.

00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,133

Are you eating Honey Nut Hulios

with a fork?

00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,970

Uh, yeah. That's how you eat them.

I'm sorry if it's annoying,

00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,097

I like the feeling

of the tines on my teeth.

00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,933

Ugh! I'll be right back.

00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,525

Korvo, just finishing eating my cereal

with a spoon like a normal person.

00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,569

Hey, after I'm done,

do you want to spend all afternoon

00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,987

ranking our favorite buttons on the ship?

00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,531

I mean, number one

has to be laser number 17.

00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,284

But number two,

who fucking knows?

00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,244

I would love to.

00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,499

Ow! Stop! Ow, heel, bitches.

00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,001

When you're all swole and shit,

00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,753

you can come back

and beat up all those cool kids.

00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:43,714

That's a good idea. Ow!

00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,340

Fuck you, platypussies!

00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:51,722

Hello, my name is Yumyulack,

yeah, I know it's a dope name,

00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,765

I need to get super jacked and swole

00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:56,435

with lots of muscles and confidence

so people will respect me

00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,728

and I won't feel like such a loser.

00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,521

So obviously the stakes are high.

00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,982

Oh, and it has to be done

by the time school starts tomorrow.

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:05,444

Wish we could help friend,

but we used to be losers just like you.

00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,322

We thought if we just got buff,

then people would respect us.

00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,449

We spent years lifting weights

and shooting steroids.

00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,202

I literally can't see my balls,

they've shrunk so much.

00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,328

And then there's the acne.

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:18,790

We're talking backne, crackne and sackne.

The Holy Trinity, yo.

00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,250

But you guys look so confident.

00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,462

It's fake, man.

Take it from me, you can't manufacture it

00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:28,050

out of a cocktail of Viagra, HGH

and some of Jon Hamm's pee.

00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:32,346

It can't be built in a gym.

It has to be inside you the whole time.

00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,680

Well, who has it then?

00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:34,932

That guy.

00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,769

That Pete Davidson looking dork?

What does he have?

00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:42,648

B.D.E. Big dick energy.

00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:46,860

Holy shit! B.D.E is legit.

00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:49,863

Oh, yeah. But you can't get it,

you have to be born with it.

00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,657

We'll sci-fi see about that. Ow!

00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:52,991

Ow!

00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,669

Hey, Yum, how'd that

platypus deal work out for you?

00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:04,962

I bailed on it. Went to the gym.

00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,547

Oh, great! I knew I was right.

00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,675

Nope. Bailed on that too. I'm making

a large penis for myself instead.

00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:12,135

Wow, you've had quite a journey

since I last saw you.

00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,847

It's called big dick energy,

and when I get it, I'll be unstoppable.

00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:17,599

I don't know,

a big dick seems really dangerous.

00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,899

Now let's take this new big dick

out for a spin.

00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,985

Whatever you wanna do is cool.

00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,152

Damn right, it is.

00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,376

Yumyulack, sorry about the other day.

00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:48,297

Here's a handsaw and some stuck porn

I confiscated off another kid.

00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,883

We're good? Yeah.

We're... We're good. Yeah.

00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,635

There we go.

Finally finished washing this little guy!

00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,138

If you don't clean the Pupa,

your blood turns to bats.

00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,307

It's kind of amazing how many things

will turn your blood to bats.

00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:02,436

Oh. I know all about that.

Uh, okay, so it's time for movie night.

00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,771

I thought we could screen

this training video about levers.

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,023

It's... it's very captivating.

00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,025

Oh! F that weak noise!

00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:12,029

We're watching all the Fast and Furious

movies in chronological order.

00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,531

The way Vinnie Diesel intended it.

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,991

I'll be right back.

00:10:18,202 --> 00:10:21,955

Levers! Levers! Levers!

Levers are the best!

00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,665

Oh, you guys are just in time

for movie night.

00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:24,833

We're watching this amazing doc on...

00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,878

Nah, fam, for once we are watching

what I want to watch,

00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:31,048

either YouTube clips of Russian

car accidents or Paddington Two.

00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,216

- Whatever you want!

- Sounds great!

00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:37,012

Oh, jeez. B.D.E. is real

and it is formidable.

00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,519

Yo, yo, check it, this is my imitation

of a guy in Fortnite.

00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:44,895

Oh, I'm walking into a wall,

00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,188

what am I gonna do...

00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:50,609

Yum, your shit is LMAO.

You're like a real life meme.

00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,659

Terry, um, could you clean and prepare

all 72,000 micronauts?

00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,494

I... I need to fix the hyderdeck.

00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,828

You bet your butt, Team Leader!

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:29,523

Don’t forget to tune in

this week for Saturday Night Live...

00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,817

...with host Yumyulack

00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,736

and musical guest Yumyulack!

00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,407

I gotta tell you, this B.D.E thing

is hella cray-cray.

00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,577

You even made the WNBA cool.

Like, to everybody. Not just me.

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,413

It’s actually a better brand of basketball

than the men’s game,

00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,206

'cause they have to focus

on the fundamentals.

00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:54,548

Idris Elba? Star of HBO’s The Wire?

I loved you in Molly’s Game!

00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:58,010

You had so many words to say

and you got almost some of them right!

00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,136

Hello, Jesse.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,638

You know my name?

I’m seriously gonna plotz.

00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,933

I know everything about you.

And your boy, Yumyulack here.

00:12:05,017 --> 00:12:06,226

We’ve been watching you.

00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,978

Who’s been watching me, Idris Elba?

00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,771

The Big Dick Energy Council.

00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:14,151

We are a secret and mystic fraternity

too complicated to explain, mate.

00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,986

Oh, let me guess, it’s like,

a bunch of people with big dicks?

00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,280

Yep, that’s pretty much it.

But you have to understand,

00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,574

for centuries,

our council has been tasked...

00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,284

...with keeping a delicate balance

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:26,246

of energy in the world,

but your new B.D.E is buggering it all up.

00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:27,831

Buggering means "fucking" in British.

00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,166

I know what buggering means!

00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,877

I came to offer you a spot on the council.

00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,255

Christian Bale stepped down after he lost

all that penis weight for a movie.

00:12:35,339 --> 00:12:36,632

You could be one of the greats,

00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,968

but only we can show you

how to harness your power for good.

00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:44,515

My answer... is no!

I don’t need you or your stupid council!

00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,017

- B.D.

- E is a power stronger than any man,

00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,436

and if you’re not careful,

it will consume you.

00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,271

Are you threatening me, Idris Elba?

00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,397

Just keeping it real, mate.

00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:56,360

Well, why don’t you keep this real, mate.

I’m gonna make a dick so big,

00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,780

that you and your stupid council

will be begging me to suck it!

00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,578

Mm, ass smells like Luther.

00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,623

All right, this is usually

when the ship starts to drag because of...

00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,333

The effects of zero gravity,

but if we just...

00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,335

Accelerate the constant

thrust trajectory,

00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,045

time dilation won’t be a problem!

00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,463

Yeah!

00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:17,548

I gotta say, Terry.

00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,050

Working on the ship with you,

it just makes me so happy.

00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,637

This is perfect. You are perfect.

Nothing more needs to be done.

00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,847

Man, I feel the same way.

00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:27,641

I love working on sci-fi stuff with you.

It’s so tight!

00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:28,892

Ugh, I hate when you say that.

00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:32,271

What? "Tight?" Too bad 'cause saying tight

is like the tightest tight thing of all,

00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,606

so I’m gonna keep saying it

until "lit" gets cool again.

00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:37,025

Tight! Tighty-tight tight!

00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:38,652

I’ll be right back.

00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,947

This is it. Last one.

Swear, no more after this.

00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:51,748

Terry, should we get back

to our non-tight sci-fi stuff?

00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,084

You okay? Terry?

00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,502

- Terry!

- Oh, come on, come on.

00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:58,130

Agh!

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,715

Korvo!

00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,341

What are you doing?

00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,051

I’m hosting SNL this week

00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:06,638

and I need all the B.D.E I can summon,

'cause I’m not funny!

00:14:06,722 --> 00:14:10,142

But Idris Elba told you

not to mess with the B.D.E!

00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,603

Idris Elba doesn’t know dick from dick.

00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:19,735

And he sure as hell

doesn’t know dick from two dicks.

00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,744

No!

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,038

Oh, fuck, I... I fucked up.

I... I broke Terry.

00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,789

Korvo! I’m gonna kill you!

00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,795

- Haha!

- Terry,

00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,797

I’m really sorry about what happened.

But don’t worry,

00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,467

I'm... I’m gonna write you a letter

saying "be yourself" or...

00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,427

Or something more eloquent,

I’ll workshop it,

00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:47,429

you know, for a little while,

probably...

00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,932

But I promise you will go back

to being the way you were.

00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,017

I don’t wanna change! I like who I am now.

00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,353

I like wearing women’s eye shadow

and murdering you.

00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:55,646

Agh!

00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,940

It’s Saturday Night Live!

00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:01,235

Ladies and Gentlemen,

your host, Yumyulack!

00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,903

Oh, my God!

00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,698

Run! Everyone, run! I can’t control it.

00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:10,452

Idris Elba was right.

Idris Elba was right!

00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,388

I'd grind up and eat

little bitch boys like you for brunch

00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,139

We gotta consider the east emergency ward.

What about the west emergency ward?

00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,100

We have no choice!

We’re running out of time, goddamn it!

00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,685

- We have to blow Yumyulack up.

- No!

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,728

But General Mills,

it will destroy Manhattan

00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:38,105

and kill thousands of innocent people!!

00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,607

General Hospital,

it’s a loss I am willing to take.

00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:43,068

Plus, the improv scene’s dead here anyway.

00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:46,405

All right, it’s Defdick One.

It’s time to ready the bombers!

00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:47,531

These colors

don't run red, white, and blue!

00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,657

GENERAL HOSPITAL

Thank you for your service!

00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,158

There’s only one person that can help.

00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:53,745

I just hope I can get to them on time

without giving away who it is.

00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:05,841

Sigourney Weaver? Is that you?

00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,886

It is I, Susan Alexandra Weaver.

00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,012

Wait, that’s your real name?

00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,014

Yes, but I go by Sigourney.

00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,600

Good call. Sigourney...

I went too far,

00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:18,228

I flew too close to the big dick sun

and now everyone is gonna die.

00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:21,023

Hush, my child. No one is dying today.

00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,525

Because I have the one and only thing,

00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:26,987

since the beginning of time,

that can stop B.D.E.

00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:31,617

You see, I am made of pure N.F.G.

"No Fucks Given."

00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:36,371

Yes, that’s right, my sweet-sweet boy,

I don’t give a fuck.

00:16:36,455 --> 00:16:39,541

That’s so cool. I was thinking of getting

the Arby’s logo tattooed on my back.

00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,753

No. Now just sit back and relax.

00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,980

That was amazing.

You saved the world.

00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:06,610

Yumyulack, you don’t need B.D.E

to become the person you want to be.

00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:10,364

You just have to believe in yourself and,

say it with me now...

00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,199

-"Not give a fuck."

- Sell weed to the cool kids.

00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,034

Right, sorry, not give a fuck.

00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,086

I’m so glad your penises

aren’t blowing up anymore.

00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,129

I got to meet Sigourney Weaver.

00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,882

- I know, I called her. And she came!

- But how did you...

00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,509

I’m a junior member!

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,302

I can’t vote at meetings,

but I do get a hoodie.

00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,347

But I... I don’t understand,

you were under my B.D.E spell?

00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:38,267

I was just watching

and waiting for the right time.

00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,353

Why did you wait until after

my dicks blew up and destroyed the city?

00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:45,065

I told you, I’m a junior member.

I don’t know all the stuff yet.

00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:48,694

Agh!

00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,280

Agh!

00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:56,285

Agh!

00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,495

Terry, this was all my fault.

I wrote those letters

00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:00,330

to make you into

something that you weren’t.

00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:02,875

It turned you into a murderous psychopath.

That was wrong.

00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:06,336

If you let me send this last letter,

it will undo everything. I promise.

00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:07,462

You promise?

00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:08,797

Yes, Terry. I promise.

00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,591

Too late.

00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:17,222

Read it, Terry.

Don’t be a little bitch.

00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:18,974

I will never read it.

00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,227

This is who I am now.

And nothing will change me.

00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:24,771

Oh...

00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:41,431

Dearest, Terry, Just be yourself.

That will always be good enough for me.

00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:44,017

Also, blood can’t turn into shlorbats.

00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:45,811

I can’t believe you bought that,

it’s so dumb.

00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:48,730

You’re the dumbest idiot ever.

Your friend, Korvo.

00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:09,710

"Dear, Korvo, if you are ever being chased

by a super handsome murderous psychopath,

00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:10,919

turn left!"

00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:16,967

Oh! Ah!

00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,138

Turn left. I have to turn left.

00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,567

Hey-Hey! Korvotron, you okay?

00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,903

I’m chopping up some tomatoes

to make my special salsa.

00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:37,321

Dude, I hope you aren’t getting sick,

00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,656

'cause I am really not feeling like

doing any work on the ship today.

00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:42,201

Come on, you wanna watch

all the Fast and Furious movies with me,

00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,786

including

Hobbs and Shaw?

00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,664

Yes, Terry, that would be...

00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:48,832

tight.

00:01:51,685 --> 00:01:53,645

ВОТ БЛИН! СЕГОДНЯ КОНТРОЛЬНАЯ!

00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:46,965

РЕБЁНОК НА БОРТУ

00:04:06,415 --> 00:04:07,665

ПЯТЬЮ ГОДАМИ РАНЕЕ

00:07:43,745 --> 00:07:48,585

СПОРТЗАЛ

РАСКАЧАЙСЯ!!!

00:08:57,364 --> 00:09:00,464

СТАНДАРТНЫЕ МУЖСКИЕ ГЕНИТАЛИИ

00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,804

«В ОЖИДАНИИ ГАЛЬ ГАДОТ» ОТМЕНЯЕТСЯ

ИЗ-ЗА СУДЕБНЫХ РАЗБИРАТЕЛЬСТВ

00:19:33,958 --> 00:19:34,978

АЛЬБОМ ВОСПОМИНАНИЙ И ВАЖНОЙ ХЕРНИ ЯСМИН

00:19:34,978 --> 00:19:36,638

Я ЕГО СОХРАНИЛА

ЯС

00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:52,338

ДОРОГОЙ КОРВО