Удивительный потрясающий луч

00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,515

Oh, yeah. This is from Samuel

by Sam Jackson for Kangol.

00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,018

It's the model he wore to the

premiere of his Capital One commercial.

00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,521

Mmm... I love it how you can wear it

one way and look like a newsboy

00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,648

and another way and look like a bad boy.

00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,483

- We patented that.

- Could we hurry this up?

00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,693

Apparently this mall has

some sort of gap full of babies

00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,112

and a locker full of ladies' feet.

I want to see that stuff.

00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,907

Damn, Terry, looking smooth as eggs.

00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,327

(GASPS)

00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,120

Red Goobler, got a gun!

00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,373

What the hell, Korvo?

You mangled my Kangol!

00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,542

Red Goobler? Wait a hot fucking second.

00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,002

I thought you killed

the Red Goobler last year.

00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,129

After he hunted us in the Halloween store.

Remember that whole thing?

00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,840

Yeah, I lied about killing him.

00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,883

He got away, and I kinda just thought

maybe he'd disappear

00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,718

like that eye that used to be on my back.

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,304

Damn it, Terry, that eye is still there,

and so is the Red Goobler.

00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,806

Wait, what the fuck?

Why's he so big?

00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,975

Last time we saw him

he was the size of a softball.

00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,226

Or like a fat baseball.

00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,645

I don't know, Terry.

He probably grows when I'm stressed out.

00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,897

Or maybe he eats a lot.

Stop trying to poke holes.

00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,607

Sorry for trying to be consistent.

00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,653

Wait, wait, wait!

00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,655

I'm not trying to kill you any more,

I swear!

00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,949

Oh, please! Then what's with

that sweet-ass laser gun?

00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,576

It's just a barcode scanner.

00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,661

I'm registering for my wedding.

00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,416

This trash isn't getting married.

Quick, Korvo, murder him! Shoot him!

00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,625

Baby, what's going on?

00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,294

(GROANS) This is my nightmare!

00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,129

Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.

00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,715

So, yeah, Korvo birthed me

from his stress,

00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:32,676

and I used to yell, "Get fucked,"

and try to kill him.

00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,053

I was a terrible, unhappy person.

00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597

And, Korvo, I'm so sorry.

00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,057

You can shoot your apology in the butt

and bury it at sea.

00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,018

You're right. I don't deserve forgiveness.

00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,770

I live with the guilt

of how I treated you every day.

00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,439

You aren't that guy anymore, Red.

00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,441

If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.

00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,234

Jen pulled me out of a dark place.

00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,778

Now all I want to do is marry

this perfect woman,

00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,989

wake up every day and make her bread.

00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,617

With this Breville Custom Loaf

Bread Maker.

00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,747

Okay, well, just don't aim at me

with a laser gun.

00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,124

Totally my fault.

Thanks for understanding.

00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:08,212

Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,

but it was honestly nice running into you.

00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,963

- You too.

- Stay cool, brother.

00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,091

I didn't buy any of that

for a second.

00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,718

- Did you?

- Oh, I totally bought it,

00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,095

but my self-esteem is so low that

I'll go along with whatever you feel.

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,931

- He's a liar and he sucks.

- I know, right?

00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,265

Fuck that little asshole.

00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,059

I love when you don't

have any convictions.

00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,310

Then I do too.

00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,273

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,193

One hundred adults and their replicants

00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,737

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,615

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,993

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,828

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,664

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,499

This is... This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251

Do you see me?

(STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.

00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:50,212

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,672

They're always arguing about politics.

00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,590

Everyone is so busy

arguing about politics.

00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,926

But no one is talking about

how the Earth is an egg.

00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,386

Why aren't they talking about that?

00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,309

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,144

YUMYULACK: What is with humans'

obsession with fitness?

00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,438

Haven't they figured out

that cardio causes cancer?

00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,148

Oh, jeez. We're running the mile today?

00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:13,318

I wore my fuck-me pumps.

I can't run in them. They're rentals.

00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,444

I suck at it too.

00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,406

My legs were made for operating

the left-right orientation pedals

00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,200

in a hunt-or-kill startripper,

not running in a circle.

00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,202

Meh. Let's just walk it.

Nobody's gonna notice.

00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496

Don't you remember

what happened last year?

00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,789

I'm gonna puke.

00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,124

A 15-minute mile?

00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,835

I am not letting you freaks

bring down the school average.

00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,213

Our math and science budget is based on

how fast you little shits can move.

00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,132

-(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Everybody is running again.

00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,800

And if you don't like doing it,

00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,554

you can thank Mr. and Mrs. Kingdom

of the Crystal fucking Skull over here.

00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,014

(BOTH GRUNTING)

00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,392

My noogie rash just cleared up.

00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,519

That's it. We are not doing this again.

00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,939

Access cheating devices.

00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,359

Ooh, I didn't know you had

a Pocket Dimension.

00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,778

- Pretty sweet, right?

- Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,906

You don't get to choose the color!

00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,991

Wait, you're gonna use

the Time Cheater Helmet?

00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,492

- Isn't that cheating?

- Oh, yeah.

00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,952

It's as cheating as you can get.

00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,664

But all the afterschool programs

I watch say cheating never works!

00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,000

Look, you want people to be

mean to us all year? Hmm?

00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,377

Or do you want to be cheaters

for one quick second?

00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,549

Well, all right, but just this once.

We got to be careful too,

00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:21,094

'cause, according to VeggieTales,

cheating will make you a gay potato.

00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,096

That's a chance I'm willing to take.

00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:24,932

(SIGHS)

00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,017

What's with the helmets and backpacks?

00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,228

Um, you're actually

not allowed to ask us about it

00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,897

because they power

our gender identity or whatever.

00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,192

Fine. You two better blow me away

with your mile time this year

00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,486

or I will fucking kill you.

00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:47,746

(BOTH PANTING)

00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:51,708

You did the entire mile

in exactly one minute?

00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,169

That was fast, right?

So we can stop doing the stupid test?

00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,462

No, of course you can't.

00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:59,174

- Because you two are, obviously che...

- Oh, no. Here it comes. I knew it.

00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,884

The best runners we've ever had!

00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,221

These beautiful aliens

are going to regionals.

00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,347

-(ALL CHEERING)

- Regionals? Oh, no.

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,808

Are you sure we aren't

getting in over our head?

00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,309

Oh, yeah, we definitely are.

00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,187

American Airlines,

one ticket to regionals in Hawaii, please.

00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,273

- WOMAN: Are you okay with coach?

- Am I okay with what?

00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,733

- WOMAN: Coach?

- Yes, I am the coach and the principal.

00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,985

WOMAN: No, I mean economy.

00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,403

We all know the economy is great,

00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,363

but you're not talking me

into an expensive ticket.

00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,739

WOMAN: Let's start over. Non-stop?

00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,241

Wow. Okay. (INHALES DEEPLY)

00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,118

One-ticket-to-regionals-

on-your-finest-seat-please-

00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,412

I'd-like-to-pay-with-a-credit-card-

ending-in-7624.

00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,206

WOMAN: I'm just gonna put you

in first class and end this conversation.

00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,458

Works every time.

00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,461

That swole tomato is up to something.

00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,964

I can feel it in my mound.

We need to be ready for an attack.

00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,799

I'm gonna take half my suicide pills now

00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,260

and save the other half

for when he tortures us.

00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,386

-(GULPS)

-(DOORBELL RINGS)

00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,097

If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,

and I will still shoot you.

00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348

- It's Jen.

- Please don't kill us.

00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601

Not even.

Sorry for dropping by unannounced.

00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,895

I just need to ask you guys for a favor.

00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,230

Let me guess. You want us to

shoot ourselves through our throats?

00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,315

Well, fat chance.

00:05:56,523 --> 00:06:00,068

Uh, no. I was wondering if you two

would come to our wedding.

00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,612

It's a trap, Terry! Run!

00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,655

No! Stop! Goobie doesn't know I'm here.

00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741

You guys are the closest thing

he has to family.

00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,952

If you came to our wedding, it might

let him finally make peace with his past.

00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,539

Attend a Red Goobler wedding?

(SCOFFS) No fucking way.

00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,292

Listen, as long as that Goobler's

got something else in his life,

00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,544

he won't be trying to cut out your eyes

and shit in your mouth.

00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,088

You might have a point.

Your annual one good idea.

00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,590

Nuh-uh! I had a good idea last week.

00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,884

Remember?

I raised money for a frat by selling pies,

00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,845

but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked

picture of the Alpha Betas' girlfriends?

00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:29,556

That's why we sold so many pies?

The whole pie thing, remember?

00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,183

I will attend your ceremony

00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:34,228

to trick the Red Goobler into being happy

so he won't hurt me anymore.

00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,939

Fine, but can you also not be

this weird at the wedding?

00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,273

My mom's gonna be there...

00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,650

Shut up! There's only one problem.

00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,818

You're far too basic to keep

Red Goobler satisfied.

00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,321

And if you break up, he'll become

more dangerous than ever before.

00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,324

I'm engaged to a Goobler.

I'm as not-basic as they come.

00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,034

Your name is Jen. You're very forgettable.

00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,161

Where do you shop? TJ Minimum?

00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,205

Sure, he loves you now,

but once he's sick of you,

00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,165

like we already are,

it's back to hunting me.

00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,459

I'm starting to understand

why Red hates you.

00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,002

- What the hell?

- Quick, Terry,

00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,213

- go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.

- On it!

00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,760

Terry, help! This Lululemon basic ho

00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,971

is kicking my ass

in the most boring way possible.

00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,722

Shoot her with

the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,849

- What the hell is that?

- Hold still.

00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,851

This ray's gonna make you terrific.

And some other stuff.

00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,061

Don't you dare shoot me with that.

I'll sue you.

00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,980

She's getting basicer by the second.

00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:24,403

(SQUEAKING)

00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,072

Give me that! You used the wrong ray.

00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,867

This is the Rat Ray.

We needed the R-A-T ray.

00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,869

It's right there, you idiot!

00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,620

- Can't you read?

- Of course I can.

00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,788

NARRATOR: He can't.

00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,541

Why would you put them

in order of first letter?

00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,750

It's alphabetical, Terry.

00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,460

Oh, my God, what does that mean? Ah!

00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,712

Shit. Grab her! Grab her!

00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,256

Oh, my God, Terry. If we don't

get her back in time for the wedding,

00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,841

the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure.

00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,218

Fuck! Okay, I'll find her and de-rat her

00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,138

while you keep the Red Goobler distracted.

Come out, Jen!

00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,558

We can go to a coffee shop

that has a painting of wings on a wall.

00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,020

You can pose in front of it.

So fun. Get the fuck out here!

00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,479

(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814

Ice cream break.

00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,649

(SQUEAKING)

00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,611

I want a Sonic pop, but not the new

design Twitter bullied them into,

00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,404

the original.

Oh, no, that's too complicated.

00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,615

Give me a Ninja Turtle pop

from the second or the first movies,

00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,534

but not from the cartoon.

Oh, fuck! Rat Jen, no!

00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,785

Ring me up! Come on! Let's go!

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,078

Go, Ninja! Go, Ninja, go!

00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,964

-(SLOT MACHINES CHIMING)

-(COINS JINGLING)

00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,718

- Welcome to your bachelor party.

- Red already had one of these a month ago.

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,553

We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.

00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,305

God damn it, Tanner,

you're always undercutting me.

00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,389

Who are you?

00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,934

I'm the guy who dropped mucho shekels

on a penthouse suite,

00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,062

and not to distract you from anything.

Only because I love hospitality.

00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,022

That's amazing, Korvo. Thank you.

00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,607

This is a dream come true.

00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,442

Ever since I saw Wedding Crashers,

00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,111

I've wanted to have a Hangover-themed

bachelor party.

00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,613

It's your big night, baby.

00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,241

-(BABY CRYING)

- Hangover stuff!

00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,367

-(TIGER GROWLS)

-(TANNER SCREAMS)

00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,328

This is the last night before Red Goobler

sells his land to Jen's family

00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,163

in exchange for her dusty womb.

00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,165

- Let's make it one to remember.

- Hell yeah!

00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,376

Let me just check in with Jen,

then we can hit...

00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,795

(CHEWING AND GULPING)

No phones, bro.

00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,171

Bachelor party rules.

00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,048

Let's hit the Strip.

00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,134

Indiana Jones passage-of-time style.

Cocaine for everyone!

00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,344

(TRILLING)

00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,428

(ALL SNORTING)

00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:28,652

Wow. Regionals is everything

I thought it would be.

00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,195

All right, you filthy fucking aliens,

00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,365

if you guys win, we're going to be

drowning in Hawaiian pussy.

00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,200

Do this for me.

00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:39,121

Oh, no! Oh, man! There are so many people

here, we're gonna get caught for sure.

00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,039

Okay, look,

I'll dial back the cheater device.

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,958

That was we can compete, but still lose.

00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,169

Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach

while Cook gets his rocks off.

00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,254

Okay.

00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,839

ANNOUNCER: On your marks,

00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,007

get set...

00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,723

- Holy fuck, yes!

-(ALL CHEERING)

00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:02,186

Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch,

we went even faster that time.

00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,645

Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way.

00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,480

- Maybe nobody noticed.

-(CLEARING THROAT)

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,900

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice you two.

00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,152

Oh, God, we're so sorry!

00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,906

A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt

made us do it.

00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,408

We don't even like going fast.

00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,702

Stacy Grabowski.

This is my partner, Flart.

00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,038

We're with

the Federal Student Athlete Police.

00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,415

There's something suspicious

going on here.

00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,583

Uh, what do you mean?

00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,920

It's suspicious that you two

aren't running in the Olympics.

00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,171

You're so fast.

00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,965

Holy shit. I saw that coming

a mile away. Get it?

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,801

We're here scouting

for the US Teen Olympic track team,

00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,428

and we need you on our roster.

00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:38,222

The race is this Sunday in Moscow.

00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,433

Now we'll finally be able to beat

those no-good cheating Russians

00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:45,229

with the most morally sound pair

of supersonic American children.

00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,899

- Russki-pusski, here we come-ski!

- Yeah.

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,778

We're doing a blood pact.

00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,321

Hurry, before I get dizzy.

00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:55,739

(ALL GASP)

00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:59,034

Shit. Sorry. I forgot how much my blood

loves the taste of human blood.

00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,537

Classic Vegas moment.

00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,871

-(SQUEAKING)

- Jen,

00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,873

get that tight rat ass back here, girl.

00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,291

Ooh, that's right.

00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,294

It's the entire series of Terriers

on Blu-ray.

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,421

Rats love Terriers, don't you?

00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,842

There you go. Good girl.

They should have never canceled it.

00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,260

What the fuck were they thinking?

00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,721

No, damn it! Which one is Jen?

They all have great asses.

00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:22,432

Goddamn it! Okay, Terry, buckle down.

This is your moment to shine.

00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,810

- I will not rest until... Oh, ice cream!

-(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356

Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible"

before proving the exact opposite.

00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,192

You put in six bullets! Don't you know

how to play Russian roulette?

00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,736

No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out

as we went along.

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,697

And now I know. Less bullets. Got it.

00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,407

Don't worry, I can fix this.

00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,493

(GASPS) Whoa! I don't want to

go into too much detail here,

00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,954

but it turns out only some dogs

go to heaven.

00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,998

The other dogs are racist. White dogs.

00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,586

Come on, come on.

00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,174

(GROANS) Why didn't I just do two trips?

00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,676

Hopefully none of those were Jen.

00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:01,180

Aisha, I need a machine

that puts wedding dresses on rats.

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,390

Ooh, that's Machine 25.

00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,688

Come on, where are you, you basic bride?

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,191

Probably buying a rug at Cost

Plus World Market.

00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:15,194

(ALL LAUGHING)

00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,321

What a night of distracting activities.

00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,824

I haven't had to bury a body

in the desert in quite some time.

00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,869

Thank you for tonight.

I know you put a lot of thought into it.

00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,662

Anything for you, Red Goobler.

00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,498

Hey, would it be crazy

if I changed my name to Chris?

00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,627

It's a strong, beautiful name.

It suits you, Chris.

00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,587

Here, let me see your hand.

00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,589

Oh, your hands are so warm.

00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,965

Look at your stress line.

00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,927

It begins in your palm,

travels all the way to your heart.

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,304

Mmm... That feels good.

00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,392

Are we doing this?

00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,103

-(RHYTHMIC NOISES)

- Hey. Hey.

00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,689

Dude, buddy, come on, wake up.

I need my stuff.

00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,359

(GROANS) How is he sleeping

through that alarm? It's, like, blaring.

00:12:58,403 --> 00:12:59,404

(BOTH GRUNTING)

00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:03,075

-(BOTH MOANING)

- I told you you'd get fucked.

00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,410

I didn't know it was foreshadowing.

00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:06,537

(BOTH LAUGHING)

00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,832

Oh, God. I just cheated on Jen.

But I don't regret it.

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,711

- Does that mean we shouldn't get married?

- No. You still need to get married. To me.

00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,296

We're Runaway Bride-ing this shit.

00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:18,715

(BOTH LAUGHING)

00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,763

(GROANS) This is it. We're done.

00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,391

Someone's gonna find out we're big

cheaters and then they're gonna kill us,

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,811

- just like they did with Lance Armstrong.

- He wasn't killed. They just took one nut.

00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,438

I don't have any nuts.

What are they going to take?

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,858

Maybe this isn't as big of a deal

as it feels.

00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,860

Nobody pays attention

to the Teen Olympics.

00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,778

I haven't even heard of it before.

00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,030

Michelle Obama!

00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,699

Jesse, Yumy.

00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,243

My two American superstars.

00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,036

Um, hi, What's up, Mo?

00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,455

Ever since I became president

in this timeline,

00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,541

I've been looking for heroes.

00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,460

You two are the image

of honesty and integrity,

00:13:55,544 --> 00:14:00,299

which is why I bet the entire

US Treasury on you to win today.

00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,717

- Oh, man. That's legal?

- Hell, yeah.

00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,179

Bush was riding high after 9/11,

and he lost it all on Wrestlemania.

00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:09,308

So, the entire fate of the country

relies on us winning honestly?

00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,977

Yes, and if you lose,

we'll have to close America,

00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,730

and everyone in the world

will know it's your fault.

00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,318

- I'll admit, this has gone way too far.

- You think?

00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,195

Let's say we didn't eat enough McDonald's,

00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363

so now we have explosive diarrhea

and can't run.

00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,240

No, enough is enough.

00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,784

We can't just keep cheating

and hoping nobody kills us.

00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:28,952

This is done.

00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,914

You're so right. It's time for us

to stand up and come clean.

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,334

This charade ends now.

Because what good is the fame,

00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,002

the money, the sex,

00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,214

the American Express commercials

with Tina Fey and Michael Che?

00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:45,260

You've won the hearts of millions

with your speed,

00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,346

but mostly with your integrity.

00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,472

- You betcha.

- Thank you.

00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:52,809

All of us in the country have chipped in

to get you a little present.

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,062

Ten million dollars!

00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:59,775

A million for each second you took

to run the mile today. Whew! So fast!

00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:06,740

We should have done this sooner. I've been

searching for a life mate for years,

00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,244

- not knowing one was inside me all along.

- I'm yours forever, Korvi.

00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,287

Quick, love,

Apple Maps the nearest chapel.

00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,249

There's a fast, casual Mormon castle

two miles away.

00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,502

Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast

together as a couple while we drive.

00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:22,714

MAN: Today, we'll be talking about

the sound of brass. Brass tones...

00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:26,176

- Can we listen to something else?

- Come on, give it a chance.

00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,470

If this is going to work,

we need to be honest with each other,

00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:30,848

I honestly hate everything

about this podcast.

00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,349

Fine, my sweet.

00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,976

What do you want to listen to?

00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,522

ROEGAN: See, Ayahuasca might actually be

the tree of life we've been searching for.

00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,774

The healing properties are astronomical.

00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:43,151

Free guns don't come free.

You have to lick feet.

00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,736

This guy sucks. I don't like this.

00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,573

What? Joe Roegan is our generation's

Maya Angelou.

00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,617

Our generation already has a Maya Angelou.

It's Mark Cuban.

00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,369

- Hey, hon?

- Yes, darling?

00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,497

I love you, but you sound like an asshole

when you say stuff like that.

00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,291

How can I sound like an asshole

when I don't even have one?

00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,960

Also, what were you fucking me in earlier

in that one scene?

00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,045

Damn it, I'm Gooblering.

See what you made me do?

00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,673

Well, you liked what I made you do

last night, slut.

00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,510

This isn't going to work, is it, Chris?

00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:09,845

I'm afraid it isn't.

00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:11,471

What have I done?

00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:13,682

I can't believe I ruined

what I had with Jen.

00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,059

I'm an idiot. I always do this.

00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,937

Maybe it's not too late.

Maybe we can get you back for the wedding.

00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,814

- We don't have time.

- We have plenty of...

00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,650

Shit, we gotta hurry. I forgot

time always moves forward on this planet.

00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,281

- You're such a bad driver.

- I fucking hate you.

00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,241

Uh, tell me about yourself.

00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:32,326

(SQUEAKING)

00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:36,163

Wait! Jen? Damn it, you're a rat.

00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:37,623

(SQUEAKING)

00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,249

Fuck it. I just have to make you awesome.

00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,376

Red Goobler won't even

notice the difference.

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,255

- Eree, eree.

- Squea, squea.

00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,549

That's it. You guys sound cool as hell.

00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:52,471

I just wanna say again, congrats

on winning everything one could win,

00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,097

and doing it without cheating.

00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,684

(GROANS) I can't take it anymore.

When are we going to learn a lesson?

00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:00,729

Usually getting away with things

makes me feel good, but this blows!

00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,273

Getting into USC as a long snapper

was the last straw!

00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,652

Usually at this point in our adventures,

we've learned a lesson.

00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:08,445

I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.

00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,989

Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh, God!

I'm sweating and freezing.

00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,366

We're in lesson withdrawal.

00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:15,160

We're gonna keep feeling this way

unless we learn some lesson.

00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,620

What? How? What can we do?

00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,247

Wait! This whole time,

we've been cheating.

00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:20,874

But what if we cheated

even more than ever before

00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,877

and use another sci-fi device

to double down on cheating?

00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,504

Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?

00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,756

Well, we do have that Lessonalyzer Helmet,

00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,217

but, I mean, we don't want to use that,

do we?

00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,301

(THRUMMING)

00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:32,928

(DINGS)

00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,138

Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?

00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,182

Oh, yeah. It feels amazing.

00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,852

I learned "don't count your chickens

before they hatch."

00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,645

Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,981

-(THRUMS AND DINGS)

- Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,650

- What did you get?

-"Beer before liquor, never sicker."

00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734

Oh, that's a good one.

00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,611

- You want another hit?

- Fuck, yeah.

00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:53,031

I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women

to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!

00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,492

That's the most Solar Opposites thing

I've ever heard.

00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,618

-(THRUMS AND DINGS)

- Oh, yeah.

00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,204

"The thicker the cushion,

the sweeter the pushing."

00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,957

I got to remember that

when I'm at the couch store.

00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,208

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:09,381

We must never speak about

what happened in that hotel room.

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,342

- I'm talking about the fucking.

- No shit, you idiot.

00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,845

Why would you bring that up right now?

I'm about to get married.

00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,431

Sorry. I just hope that you and Jen

stay happily married,

00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,308

keeping us safe from your repressed rage.

00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:28,317

(BRIDES SQUEAKING SOFTLY)

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,821

Multiple brides?

Are we doing a YouTube thing?

00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,407

Jen! Which one's Jen?

00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,659

Oh, man. If you don't know,

then I definitely don't.

00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,744

She's not here!

00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,370

Who the hell are these brides?

00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:42,164

Terry, what the hell? You didn't find her?

00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,373

What do you mean, find her?

00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,000

What the fuck is going on?

00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,168

Oh, wow. Where to begin?

00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,337

- I turned that bitch into a rat.

- What?

00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,048

-(DINGS)

- Ass, grass or gas? Nobody rides for free.

00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,967

Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags.

You've ruined my life.

00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,469

You know what? Screw you, Red Chris.

00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,429

You pillow-talk told me

you didn't really love Jen.

00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,680

Yeah! This wasn't our fault.

00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,682

Wait. Pillow talk? Did you two doink?

00:19:00,766 --> 00:19:02,935

Nothing. Forget it.

We banged. Shut up about it.

00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,187

-(DINGS)

- The best way to cope with stress

00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,563

is to confront it.

00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:12,402

Only then can you truly be happy,

or at least satisfied a little bit.

00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,738

She's right.

You were my stress, Red Goobler.

00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,033

I should have never gotten caught up

trying to manage you or work with you.

00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,953

I have to set boundaries,

by lasering your ass.

00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,081

(ALL SCREAMING)

00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,042

Get fucked!

00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,628

God damn it.

Now we're back where we started.

00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,923

But we all learned a valuable lesson.

At least you did, about stress.

00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,801

And I guess the replicants did about

cheating. I didn't learn anything at all.

00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:39,680

Give Terry the Lesson Helmet, so he can

learn a lesson like the rest of us.

00:19:39,847 --> 00:19:40,848

(THRUMS AND DINGS)

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,934

Whoa, I just learned that sometimes

emotional stories

00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,686

don't fit into a rigid structure,

00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,980

and you just have to embrace the chaos

and not worry about it.

00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,439

As a family.

00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,716

If you feel like

you haven't learned a lesson,

00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:20,387

please visit

www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.

00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,140

You get the first lesson for free,

but it's on the honor system after that,

00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,516

so you have to send us money.

00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,727

And if you agree to send the money,

then you've learned a lesson.

00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,771

And if you don't, you're a dick

that steals from cartoons.

00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,401

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

00:00:10,984 --> 00:00:11,872

Да.

00:00:11,902 --> 00:00:14,632

Это из коллекции «Сэмьюэл»

Сэма Джексона для бренда Kangol.

00:00:14,661 --> 00:00:17,465

Копия того, в чем он был

на премьере своего рекламного ролика.

00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:22,663

Мне нравится, что в ней можно выглядеть

и как журналист, и как хулиган.

00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,453

— Мы это запатентовали.

— Поторопись.

00:00:24,470 --> 00:00:26,775

В этом торговом центре

есть какой-то мир детей

00:00:26,785 --> 00:00:29,218

и какой-то мастер спорта.

Хочу на них посмотреть.

00:00:29,241 --> 00:00:32,227

Черт, Терри. Круче лишь варёные яйца.

00:00:34,273 --> 00:00:35,152

А!

00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:36,985

У Красного гублера пушка!

00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:39,506

Какого черта, Корво? Ты испортил кепку!

00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:40,486

Красный гублер?

00:00:40,511 --> 00:00:41,659

Постой секунду.

00:00:41,676 --> 00:00:43,612

Я думал, ты убил его

в том году после того,

00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,161

как он гнался за нами

в магазине товаров для Хеллоуина.

00:00:46,186 --> 00:00:47,797

Да, я солгал тебе.

00:00:47,820 --> 00:00:49,052

Он сбежал. И я подумал,

00:00:49,078 --> 00:00:51,568

может, он исчез, как глаз,

что был у меня на спине.

00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,359

Терри. Глаз еще там.

00:00:53,373 --> 00:00:55,853

— И Красный гублер тоже.

— Постой. Почему он такой большой?

00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:59,118

В прошлую нашу встречу

он был размером с теннисный мяч.

00:00:59,138 --> 00:01:01,745

Не знаю, Терри.

Может, подрос, когда я нервничал.

00:01:01,747 --> 00:01:03,795

Или может, много ел. Хватит болтать.

00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,761

Прости за мою последовательность.

00:01:08,761 --> 00:01:11,770

Стой-стой-стой!

Я больше не пытаюсь тебя убить. Клянусь.

00:01:11,791 --> 00:01:13,983

Тогда что это за милая лазерная пушка?

00:01:14,018 --> 00:01:15,583

Это сканер штрих-кода.

00:01:15,601 --> 00:01:17,565

Я закупаюсь к свадьбе.

00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:21,464

Этот мерзавец не женится!

Корво, убей его.

00:01:21,485 --> 00:01:24,121

— Стреляй-стреляй!

— Губи, в чем дело?

00:01:24,146 --> 00:01:27,229

Это мой кошмар.

Джен, познакомься с Терри и Корво.

00:01:27,252 --> 00:01:29,727

Да, Корво породил меня во время стресса.

00:01:29,742 --> 00:01:32,733

А я кричал: «Отвали!» —

и пытался убить его.

00:01:32,748 --> 00:01:34,939

Я был ужасным и несчастным.

00:01:34,953 --> 00:01:36,629

И Корво, прости меня.

00:01:36,644 --> 00:01:39,086

Оставь свои извинения себе

и утопи их в море.

00:01:39,087 --> 00:01:41,090

Ты прав. Я не заслуживаю прощения.

00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,858

Я живу с чувством вины из-за того,

что делал.

00:01:43,888 --> 00:01:45,448

Теперь ты не такой, Красный.

00:01:45,476 --> 00:01:47,462

Нет, и это благодаря тебе, Джен.

00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,427

Джен вытащила меня из тьмы.

00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:51,791

Теперь я лишь хочу жениться

на этой прекрасной женщине,

00:01:51,806 --> 00:01:56,916

просыпаться с ней каждое утро

и делать ей хлеб в этой хлебопечке.

00:01:57,802 --> 00:02:01,782

Ладно. Только не целься в меня

лазерной пушкой.

00:02:01,819 --> 00:02:04,208

Я виноват. Спасибо за понимание.

00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,337

Эй. Я этого боялся,

00:02:06,357 --> 00:02:08,256

но было приятно встретиться с тобой.

00:02:08,292 --> 00:02:09,856

— С тобой тоже.

— Удачи.

00:02:11,558 --> 00:02:13,610

Я не поверил ни на секунду. А ты?

00:02:13,626 --> 00:02:15,805

Я поверил.

Но у меня такая низкая самооценка,

00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:17,128

что соглашусь с тобой.

00:02:17,142 --> 00:02:18,942

— Он лжец и отстой.

— Я знаю.

00:02:18,956 --> 00:02:20,352

К чёрту этого придурка.

00:02:20,386 --> 00:02:22,131

Рад, что у тебя нет своего мнения.

00:02:22,146 --> 00:02:23,431

Тогда я тоже.

00:02:24,397 --> 00:02:26,565

Планета Шлорп была идеальной утопией.

00:02:26,845 --> 00:02:28,409

Пока не упал астероид.

00:02:29,656 --> 00:02:32,096

Сто взрослых и их репликанты

взяли по Пупе

00:02:32,097 --> 00:02:33,883

и сбежали в космос

00:02:33,927 --> 00:02:36,450

в поисках нового дома

в незаселённых мирах.

00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:40,047

Мы упали на Землю и застряли

на перенаселённой планете.

00:02:40,078 --> 00:02:41,860

Я постоянно об этом твержу.

00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,587

Я держу Пупу. Я Корво.

00:02:43,614 --> 00:02:46,041

И это моё шоу.

Я уронил Пупу. Видите меня?

00:02:46,077 --> 00:02:47,356

Это смешно.

00:02:47,383 --> 00:02:49,342

Ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.

00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,770

Люди глупые.

Они постоянно спорят о политике.

00:02:51,775 --> 00:02:53,703

Все только о ней и говорят.

00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:55,949

Но никто не говорит о том,

что земля — это яйцо.

00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,410

Почему они молчат об этом?

00:02:57,432 --> 00:03:02,009

ОБРАТНАЯ СТОРОНА ЗЕМЛИ

00:03:04,372 --> 00:03:06,280

Почему люди так одержимы фитнесом?

00:03:06,285 --> 00:03:08,504

Ведь кардионагрузки вызывают рак.

00:03:08,519 --> 00:03:10,271

Мы сегодня бежим полтора километра?!

00:03:10,298 --> 00:03:13,295

На мне каблуки. Нельзя бежать в них.

Они арендованы.

00:03:13,297 --> 00:03:14,393

Я тоже не хочу.

00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:19,013

Мои ноги созданы, чтобы поворачивать

педалями звездолёта налево и направо,

00:03:19,038 --> 00:03:20,160

а не бегать по кругу.

00:03:20,182 --> 00:03:22,197

Просто пройдём. Никто не заметит.

00:03:22,221 --> 00:03:24,742

Забыла, что было в том году?!

00:03:24,743 --> 00:03:25,815

Меня сейчас вырвет.

00:03:25,836 --> 00:03:27,296

15 минут на полтора километра?!

00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:29,821

Я не дам вам испортить

школьные показатели.

00:03:29,848 --> 00:03:33,371

Наш бюджет зависит от того,

как быстро вы можете двигаться.

00:03:33,372 --> 00:03:35,369

Всем бежать снова!

00:03:35,376 --> 00:03:36,681

И если вы недовольны,

00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:40,584

благодарите мистера и миссис

Королевство блестящих черепов!

00:03:43,575 --> 00:03:45,491

У меня только прошли синяки.

00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,472

Вот именно. С нас хватит.

00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,277

Жульнический доступ.

00:03:52,079 --> 00:03:54,496

Не знала, что у тебя есть

карманное измерение.

00:03:54,521 --> 00:03:56,909

— Здорово?

— Да, если бы не розовое.

00:03:56,913 --> 00:03:58,488

Здесь нельзя выбрать цвет!

00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,125

Ты используешь временной шлем?

00:04:01,138 --> 00:04:02,166

Это же жульничество!

00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:03,848

Да. Так оно и есть.

00:04:03,866 --> 00:04:07,731

Но во всех передачах для школьников

жульничество не доводит до добра.

00:04:07,752 --> 00:04:09,959

Хочешь, чтобы на нас злились весь год?

00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:12,423

Или лучше мы обманем всех

за одну секунду?

00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,304

Ладно, но только раз.

00:04:16,327 --> 00:04:17,746

И будь осторожен.

00:04:17,784 --> 00:04:19,206

Если верить веганским сказкам,

00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:21,312

ложь превратит тебя в голубую картошку.

00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:23,255

Нельзя упускать такой шанс.

00:04:25,086 --> 00:04:26,973

Что за шлемы и рюкзаки?

00:04:27,011 --> 00:04:29,148

Вы не должны задавать нам этот вопрос,

00:04:29,170 --> 00:04:31,950

потому что они питают

нашу гендерную идентичность.

00:04:31,975 --> 00:04:35,239

Ладно. Вам двоим лучше

поразить меня результатами, иначе

00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:37,829

я вас убью.

00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:51,685

Вы пробежали полтора километра

ровно за одну минуту?

00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,246

Быстро, да? Можно нам больше не бегать?

00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:57,438

Нет! Конечно, нельзя.

Очевидно, вы двое жу-у-у…

00:04:57,469 --> 00:04:59,431

О нет, ну вот. Я так и знала.

00:04:59,446 --> 00:05:01,113

Лучшие бегуны, которых я видел.

00:05:01,142 --> 00:05:04,369

Пришельцы едут

на региональные состязания!

00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:07,648

Региональные? О нет. Ты уверен,

что мы не переусердствовали?

00:05:07,677 --> 00:05:09,256

О да. Определённо.

00:05:09,264 --> 00:05:12,350

Авиакассы? Билет на региональные

состязания на Гавайях.

00:05:12,351 --> 00:05:13,394

Второй класс устроит?

00:05:13,411 --> 00:05:14,669

— Что меня устроит?

— Второй класс.

00:05:14,691 --> 00:05:16,739

Да, я ведь школьный директор.

00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,061

Я имею в виду эконом.

00:05:18,091 --> 00:05:19,478

Экономия — это здорово,

00:05:19,504 --> 00:05:21,360

но не надо экономить на мне.

00:05:21,382 --> 00:05:22,904

Начнём сначала. Идёт?

00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,005

Ладно.

00:05:24,332 --> 00:05:26,063

Билет на региональные линии,

лучшие места,

00:05:26,071 --> 00:05:28,462

плачу кредиткой,

заканчивающейся на 7624.

00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:31,372

Я просто посажу вас в первый класс,

и покончим с этим.

00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:33,379

Всегда срабатывает.

00:05:34,754 --> 00:05:37,789

Этот помидор-качок что-то задумал.

Я чувствую это.

00:05:37,810 --> 00:05:39,015

Готовимся к атаке.

00:05:39,028 --> 00:05:40,746

Выпью половину пилюль

для суицида сейчас,

00:05:40,756 --> 00:05:42,895

а вторую — когда он будет нас пытать.

00:05:44,503 --> 00:05:47,135

Если ты скаут, скажи сразу,

и я застрелю тебя.

00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:48,486

— Это Джен.

— Не убивай нас!

00:05:48,489 --> 00:05:50,603

И не думала.

Простите, что без предупреждения.

00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:53,017

Я должна попросить вас об услуге.

00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:55,520

Угадаю. Хочешь,

чтобы мы застрелили себя?

00:05:55,539 --> 00:05:56,465

Без шансов.

00:05:56,476 --> 00:06:00,345

Нет. Хотела пригласить вас

на нашу свадьбу.

00:06:00,471 --> 00:06:01,774

Это ловушка, Терри! Беги!

00:06:01,775 --> 00:06:03,819

Нет, стойте. Губи не знает, что я здесь.

00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:05,794

У него нет никого ближе вас.

00:06:05,827 --> 00:06:09,064

Если вы придёте, он наконец

забудет о своем прошлом.

00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:10,802

Прийти на свадьбу Красного гублера?

00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,750

Ха! Ни за что.

00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:15,549

Слушай, раз у него появилось

еще что-то в жизни,

00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,609

он не будет пытаться

выколоть тебе глаза.

00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,064

Возможно, ты прав.

Одна хорошая идея раз в год.

00:06:20,096 --> 00:06:22,144

На той неделе тоже была хорошая.

00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:23,906

Я собрал деньги для братства,

00:06:23,929 --> 00:06:27,049

продавая пироги в упаковке с фотками

обнаженных девушек «Альфа-беты» на дне.

00:06:27,072 --> 00:06:29,797

Поэтому пироги раскупили.

Все до одного. Помнишь?

00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,279

Я приду на церемонию,

00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:32,949

чтобы он был счастлив

00:06:32,974 --> 00:06:34,351

и больше не навредил мне.

00:06:34,369 --> 00:06:37,268

Класс. Но можете не быть

такими странными на свадьбе?

00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:39,739

— Там будет моя мама и…

— Замолчи. Есть проблема.

00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:41,932

Ты слишком простая,

чтобы удовлетворить гублера.

00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,372

А если вы разойдётесь,

он станет еще опаснее.

00:06:44,394 --> 00:06:47,271

Я помолвлена с гублером.

Я не так проста, как кажусь.

00:06:47,286 --> 00:06:49,110

Тебя зовут Джен. Тебя легко забыть.

00:06:49,112 --> 00:06:51,307

Откуда одежда, с барахолки?

00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:53,167

Сейчас он тебя любит,

но когда ты надоешь ему,

00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:55,259

как нам, он начнёт охоту на меня.

00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:57,362

Понимаю, почему Красный ненавидит вас.

00:06:57,398 --> 00:06:58,701

— В чем дело?!

— Терри,

00:06:58,702 --> 00:07:00,360

неси отпадно-суперски-потрясающий луч!

00:07:00,361 --> 00:07:01,821

Бегу!

00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:05,467

Терри, помоги!

00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:09,030

Эта простушка-любительница фитнеса

бьёт меня самым скучным образом.

00:07:09,056 --> 00:07:10,704

Стреляй в неё из луча!

00:07:10,709 --> 00:07:11,624

Это еще что?!

00:07:11,625 --> 00:07:14,104

Замри. Этот луч сделает

тебя потрясающей.

00:07:14,105 --> 00:07:16,566

Не смей стрелять в меня из него!

Я тебя засужу!

00:07:16,579 --> 00:07:18,143

Теперь она стала еще проще.

00:07:24,795 --> 00:07:26,026

Дай мне.

00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:28,011

Ты взял не тот луч. Это крысиный луч.

00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:29,657

А нужен отпадный.

00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,010

Он здесь, придурок.

00:07:32,011 --> 00:07:33,687

— Читать не умеешь?

— Конечно, умею.

00:07:33,725 --> 00:07:34,875

Не умеет.

00:07:35,737 --> 00:07:37,562

Зачем ты расставил их по первой букве?

00:07:37,564 --> 00:07:40,041

— По алфавиту, Терри.

— Боже. Что это значит?

00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:41,877

Черт! Держи её! Держи!

00:07:42,014 --> 00:07:44,433

Терри, если мы не вернём её к свадьбе,

00:07:44,459 --> 00:07:45,811

Красный гублер точно нас поймает!

00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:48,381

Ладно-ладно. Я найду её

и сделаю декрысацию.

00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,963

А ты отвлеки Красного гублера.

00:07:50,018 --> 00:07:51,082

Выходи, Джен.

00:07:51,102 --> 00:07:54,541

Давай сходим в кафе,

где на стене нарисованы крылья.

00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,920

Попозируешь на их фоне. Это весело.

00:07:56,956 --> 00:07:58,176

Быстро вылезай!

00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:01,030

Мороженое!

00:08:02,710 --> 00:08:03,773

Я хочу Соника.

00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,422

Но не нового дизайна, на который вас

вынудил твиттер, а первого.

00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,570

Нет. Слишком сложно.

00:08:07,581 --> 00:08:09,719

Дайте черепашку-ниндзя из фильма,

00:08:09,735 --> 00:08:12,625

а не из мультиков.

О черт! Крыса Джен! Нет!

00:08:12,646 --> 00:08:13,869

Быстрее! Давай!

00:08:13,896 --> 00:08:15,294

Вперёд, ниндзя!

Вперёд ниндзя!

00:08:15,765 --> 00:08:17,777

ДОБРО ПОЖАЛОВАТЬ

В ПОТРЯСАЮЩИЙ ЛАС-ВЕГАС, НЕВАДА

00:08:26,429 --> 00:08:28,278

Добро пожаловать на твой мальчишник!

00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,695

Он уже был месяц назад.

00:08:29,711 --> 00:08:31,444

Мы построили приют в Никарагуа.

00:08:31,473 --> 00:08:33,351

Таннер, ты всегда подставляешь меня.

00:08:33,376 --> 00:08:34,220

А ты кто?

00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:36,863

Я тот, кто заплатил за этот пентхаус.

00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:38,452

И я ни от чего не отвлекаю тебя.

00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,944

Я просто гостеприимный.

00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:42,133

Это потрясающе, Корво! Спасибо!

00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:43,629

Мечты сбываются.

00:08:43,682 --> 00:08:45,534

С тех пор, как я посмотрел

«Незваных гостей»,

00:08:45,575 --> 00:08:48,271

я хотел вечеринку,

как «Мальчишник в Вегасе».

00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:49,907

Это твой вечер.

00:08:50,816 --> 00:08:52,207

Всё из фильма!

00:08:53,835 --> 00:08:56,139

Это последняя ночь перед тем,

как гублер отдаст свою землю

00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,285

семье Джен за её пыльное лоно.

00:08:58,319 --> 00:08:59,444

Пусть она запомнится!

00:08:59,464 --> 00:09:01,588

Да! Только спишусь с Джен,

00:09:01,613 --> 00:09:03,072

и можно смело…

00:09:03,831 --> 00:09:06,355

Никаких телефонов. Правила мальчишника.

00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:09,891

А теперь повлияем на ход времени

в стиле Индианы Джонса.

00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,346

По дорожке каждому.

00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:28,887

Ух ты. Региональные состязания такие,

как я и думал.

00:09:28,917 --> 00:09:30,961

Ладно, грязные пришельцы,

если вы победите,

00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:33,480

все гавайки будут нашими.

00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:35,007

Сделайте это для меня.

00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,937

О нет. Здесь так много людей.

00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,297

Нас точно раскроют.

00:09:39,314 --> 00:09:41,195

Так. Подкручу шлемы назад.

00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,053

Мы поучаствуем, но проиграем.

00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:44,843

Тогда мы попьём коктейли на пляже,

00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,084

пока Кук оттянется.

00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,385

Ладно.

00:09:47,460 --> 00:09:50,129

На старт, внимание…

00:09:56,141 --> 00:09:57,412

Черт, да!

00:09:58,402 --> 00:10:00,518

30 секунд?! Ты мерзавец!

00:10:00,575 --> 00:10:02,182

Это еще быстрее, чем в тот раз!

00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:03,748

Я крутил не в ту сторону!

00:10:03,749 --> 00:10:05,551

Может, никто не заметил?

00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:08,038

Простите, я заметил, что вы двое…

00:10:08,039 --> 00:10:10,405

Боже. Мы сожалеем.

00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,917

Это дело рук бездомного

в свитере с надписью «Хулу».

00:10:13,953 --> 00:10:16,434

Мы вообще не любим скорость.

00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:18,817

Стэйси Грабовски.

Это мой напарник Фларт.

00:10:18,823 --> 00:10:21,263

Мы из Федеральной студенческой

атлетической полиции.

00:10:21,298 --> 00:10:23,603

Здесь что-то подозрительное.

00:10:23,645 --> 00:10:24,659

О чем вы?

00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:27,911

Подозрительно, что вы не бегаете

на Олимпиаде.

00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:29,260

Вы такие быстрые.

00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,954

Черт. Я знала, что так и будет. Понял?

00:10:31,988 --> 00:10:34,863

Мы ищем таланты для подростковой

олимпийской сборной США.

00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:36,559

Вы в списке.

00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:38,314

Состязание в это воскресенье в Москве.

00:10:38,339 --> 00:10:41,482

Наконец-то мы сможем победить

этих жульничающих русских

00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:45,259

парой высокоморальных сверхзвуковых

американских детей.

00:10:45,274 --> 00:10:47,909

Русские-пусские, мы идусские!

00:10:47,932 --> 00:10:48,963

Да!

00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,968

Скрепим пакт кровью.

00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,708

Быстрее, пока голова не закружилась.

00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:56,684

Простите.

00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:59,152

Забыл, как моя кровь

любит вкус человеческой.

00:10:59,666 --> 00:11:01,495

Классический момент в Вегасе.

00:11:02,331 --> 00:11:04,931

Джен, верни сюда свой тощий зад.

00:11:05,246 --> 00:11:06,422

О, точно.

00:11:06,447 --> 00:11:09,294

Это весь сериал «Терьеры».

00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,449

Крысы любят «Терьеров», правда?

00:11:11,469 --> 00:11:13,251

Вот так. Хорошая девочка.

00:11:13,253 --> 00:11:14,931

Не надо было снимать его с показа.

00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:16,385

О чем они думали?

00:11:16,397 --> 00:11:18,361

Черт! Кто из них Джен?

00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,764

У них у всех одинаковые зады.

00:11:19,791 --> 00:11:21,573

Черт. Ладно, Терри, соберись.

00:11:21,594 --> 00:11:23,809

Твоя минута славы.

Я не остановлюсь, пока…

00:11:23,831 --> 00:11:25,151

О, мороженое!

00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,993

Странно, он кричал: «Я неуязвим»...

00:11:28,015 --> 00:11:29,422

А потом доказал обратное.

00:11:29,443 --> 00:11:30,782

Ты всадил в него шесть пуль!

00:11:30,802 --> 00:11:32,253

Не умеешь играть в русскую рулетку?!

00:11:32,272 --> 00:11:34,870

Не умею. Я думал,

что научусь по ходу игры.

00:11:34,887 --> 00:11:36,679

И научился. Меньше пуль. Я понял.

00:11:36,724 --> 00:11:38,078

Не волнуйся. Я всё исправлю.

00:11:38,903 --> 00:11:39,979

Ух ты.

00:11:40,147 --> 00:11:41,586

Не хочу вдаваться в детали,

00:11:41,587 --> 00:11:43,953

но оказывается,

лишь некоторые псы попадают в рай.

00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:46,274

Остальные — расисты. Белые.

00:11:49,403 --> 00:11:51,228

Давай-давай.

00:11:53,429 --> 00:11:55,003

Почему я не съездил дважды.

00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:57,794

Надеюсь, Джен среди них не было.

00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:00,918

Аиша! Машину,

надевающую свадебные платья на крыс.

00:12:00,924 --> 00:12:03,103

О, это устройство 25.

00:12:07,752 --> 00:12:09,660

Давай. Где же ты, простая невеста.

00:12:09,731 --> 00:12:12,473

Видимо, покупает ковёр

в каком-нибудь гипермаркете.

00:12:15,614 --> 00:12:17,451

Этот вечер прекрасно отвлекает.

00:12:17,465 --> 00:12:20,908

Мне уже давно не приходилось

закапывать тела в пустыне.

00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:24,021

Спасибо за вечер.

Тебе пришлось включить воображение.

00:12:24,052 --> 00:12:25,791

Всё ради тебя, Красный гублер.

00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,481

Будет безумием,

если я сменю имя на Криса?

00:12:28,526 --> 00:12:31,846

Красивое сильное имя.

Тебе подходит. Крис.

00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:33,600

Вот. Покажи твою руку.

00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,658

О, какие тёплые руки.

00:12:35,681 --> 00:12:37,068

Взгляни на линию стресса.

00:12:37,099 --> 00:12:40,018

Она начинается на ладони

и идёт до самого сердца.

00:12:40,054 --> 00:12:42,393

М-м. Как приятно.

00:12:46,129 --> 00:12:47,745

Мы делаем это?

00:12:49,045 --> 00:12:51,061

Эй! Эй! Приятель,

00:12:51,089 --> 00:12:52,552

ну же, просыпайся.

Мне нужны мои вещи!

00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,353

Как он может не слышать этот будильник?

Он же как труба!

00:13:01,146 --> 00:13:02,971

Я же сказал, что доберусь до тебя.

00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:05,213

Не знал, что это было пророчество.

00:13:07,605 --> 00:13:09,760

Боже, я изменил Джен.

00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:11,000

И не жалею об этом!

00:13:11,044 --> 00:13:12,554

Значит, нам не нужно жениться?

00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,095

Нет. Тебе нужно жениться.

00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,439

На мне! Поступим, как сбежавшая невеста.

00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,033

ОЛИМПИЙСКИЕ ИГРЫ СЕГОДНЯ

НИЧЕГО ЗАВТРА

00:13:23,173 --> 00:13:24,737

Вот и всё. Нам конец.

00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,557

Кто-нибудь узнает, что мы обманщики,

00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:29,288

и нас убьют точно так же,

как Лэнса Армстронга.

00:13:29,302 --> 00:13:30,901

Его не убили, а удалили часть мошонки.

00:13:30,922 --> 00:13:33,445

Но у нас её нет! Что же удалят нам?

00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,972

Может, всё не так, как мы думаем.

00:13:36,008 --> 00:13:37,962

Никто не смотрит

Юношеские Олимпийские игры.

00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:39,450

Я о такой даже не слышал.

00:13:39,873 --> 00:13:43,622

— Мишель Обама?

— Джесси, Юмми!

00:13:43,632 --> 00:13:46,291

Мои две американские суперзвезды!

00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,045

Привет. Как дела, Мо?

00:13:48,066 --> 00:13:50,535

С тех пор, как я стала президентом

в этом измерении,

00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:52,588

я искала героев.

00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:55,560

Вы двое — воплощение честности

и безупречности.

00:13:55,593 --> 00:13:58,793

Поэтому я ставлю всю казну США

00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:00,281

на вашу победу сегодня.

00:14:00,308 --> 00:14:01,881

— Боже. Это законно?

— Еще как.

00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:05,130

Буш поднялся после 11 сентября,

но всё спустил на «Рестлманию».

00:14:05,171 --> 00:14:09,333

Значит, судьба всей страны

зависит от нашей честной победы?

00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:12,016

Да. Проиграете — мы закроем Америку

00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:14,905

и весь мир будет знать,

что это ваша вина.

00:14:17,109 --> 00:14:19,455

— Всё зашло слишком далеко.

— «Думаешь»?!

00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,283

Скажем, что мы ели мало фастфуда,

00:14:21,284 --> 00:14:23,416

теперь у нас диарея и нам нельзя бежать.

00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,330

Нет. Хватит — значит хватит.

00:14:25,343 --> 00:14:27,867

Мы не можем врать дальше

и надеяться, что нас не убьют.

00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,807

— Довольно.

— Ты права.

00:14:29,885 --> 00:14:32,006

Нам пора выйти и во всём сознаться.

00:14:32,011 --> 00:14:33,554

Покончим с этим спектаклем.

00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:37,024

Что хорошего в славе, деньгах, сексе,

00:14:37,065 --> 00:14:39,974

рекламе «Американ экспресс»

с Тиной Фей и Майклом Че…

00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:45,128

Вы завоевали сердца миллионов

своей скоростью,

00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:47,509

но главное — своей честностью.

00:14:47,539 --> 00:14:48,493

— Спасибо.

— Еще бы.

00:14:48,543 --> 00:14:50,867

Все жители страны сбросились

00:14:50,897 --> 00:14:53,111

на небольшой подарок вам.

00:14:53,173 --> 00:14:55,002

Десять миллионов долларов!

00:14:55,013 --> 00:14:56,532

Миллион за каждую секунду,

00:14:56,557 --> 00:14:58,418

за которую вы пробежали сегодня

полтора километра.

00:14:58,794 --> 00:14:59,854

Как быстро!

00:15:04,013 --> 00:15:05,106

Надо было сделать это раньше.

00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:06,830

Я искал себе пару много лет,

00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:08,741

не зная, что она была во мне.

00:15:08,764 --> 00:15:10,188

Я твой навсегда, Корво.

00:15:10,222 --> 00:15:12,442

Быстрее, найди ближайшую церковь.

00:15:12,450 --> 00:15:15,308

В трёх километрах от нас

столовка мормонской церкви.

00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:18,598

Отлично! Послушаем подкаст вместе,

пока едем.

00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:22,319

Сегодня мы поговорим о звуке меди.

00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,180

Тонны меди в высоких…

00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:24,906

Может, послушаем что-то другое?

00:15:24,932 --> 00:15:26,277

Брось, дай ему шанс.

00:15:26,306 --> 00:15:28,534

Если хотим быть вместе,

мы должны быть честны.

00:15:28,572 --> 00:15:30,976

Я ненавижу этот подкаст.

00:15:30,990 --> 00:15:33,955

Ладно. Что хочешь послушать ты?

00:15:34,108 --> 00:15:34,984

ДЖО РОГАН

00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,578

АйауАска, может быть,

и есть то дерево жизни, которое мы ищем.

00:15:38,579 --> 00:15:40,964

У него невероятные целебные свойства.

00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:43,215

Бесплатный сыр только в мышеловке.

00:15:43,253 --> 00:15:44,902

Он отстой. Мне не нравится.

00:15:44,936 --> 00:15:47,627

Что?! Джо Роган — Майя Энджелоу

нашего поколения.

00:15:47,658 --> 00:15:49,742

У нашего поколения

есть своя Майя Энджелоу.

00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:50,673

Это Марк Кьюбан.

00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:52,287

— Знаешь что?

— Да, что такое?

00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:55,563

Я тебя обожаю,

но сейчас ты говоришь как безмозглый.

00:15:55,564 --> 00:15:57,472

Почему это я безмозглый?

У меня есть мозг.

00:15:57,477 --> 00:16:00,035

Только не надо мне его сейчас выносить.

00:16:00,077 --> 00:16:02,067

Черт. Я гублерю. Видишь, что ты наделал?

00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:04,567

Прошлой ночью тебе нравилось то,

что я делал.

00:16:06,973 --> 00:16:10,018

— Ничего не выйдет, так, Крис?

— Боюсь, что так.

00:16:10,390 --> 00:16:13,780

Что я наделал?! Я разрушил всё,

что у нас было с Джен!

00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:16,103

Я идиот! У меня всегда так!

00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:17,349

Может, еще не поздно.

00:16:17,391 --> 00:16:18,848

Мы успеем вернуться к свадьбе.

00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:20,703

— Не успеем.

— У нас полно…

00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:23,884

Черт! Поспешим. Я забыл,

что на этой планете время бежит вперёд.

00:16:26,848 --> 00:16:28,121

Ты ужасно водишь.

00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:31,255

— Ненавижу тебя.

— Расскажи о себе.

00:16:33,144 --> 00:16:34,187

Стой. Джен?!

00:16:35,305 --> 00:16:36,222

Черт. Ты крыса.

00:16:37,921 --> 00:16:39,323

Плевать. Сделаю тебя красивой,

00:16:39,358 --> 00:16:41,085

Красный гублер не заметит.

00:16:45,429 --> 00:16:47,776

Ну вот. Приятно послушать.

00:16:49,403 --> 00:16:50,588

Хотел еще раз сказать.

00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:52,566

Поздравляю, что выиграли всё что можно

00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:53,914

и без обмана.

00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:56,340

Я больше не могу.

00:16:56,342 --> 00:16:57,802

Когда мы уже усвоим урок?

00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:00,949

Обычно, когда всё сходит с рук,

я радуюсь. Но это слишком.

00:17:00,982 --> 00:17:03,376

Эти состязания стали последней каплей.

00:17:03,401 --> 00:17:06,831

Обычно на этом этапе мы усваиваем урок.

00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:08,535

У меня чувство,

что по мне бегут муравьи.

00:17:08,556 --> 00:17:11,170

Холодно? Жарко? Боже, я потею и мёрзну!

00:17:11,199 --> 00:17:12,441

Это синдром отмены уроков.

00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:15,016

Так будет, пока мы не усвоим

какой-нибудь урок.

00:17:15,029 --> 00:17:16,755

Но как? Что нам делать?

00:17:16,766 --> 00:17:18,330

Стой. Мы всё время обманывали.

00:17:18,353 --> 00:17:20,938

Но что, если мы обманем еще больше

00:17:20,959 --> 00:17:23,837

и используем другое устройство,

чтобы усилить наш обман?!

00:17:23,864 --> 00:17:25,553

Что у нас есть, чтобы усвоить урок?

00:17:25,574 --> 00:17:27,802

У нас есть шлем-уроколайзер,

00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,198

но мы ведь не будем

использовать его, так?

00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:35,215

Получилось? Ты усвоил урок?

00:17:35,242 --> 00:17:37,288

О да. Потрясающее чувство.

00:17:37,327 --> 00:17:39,654

Я усвоил: «Цыплят по осени считают».

00:17:39,675 --> 00:17:41,539

О! Дай-дай-дай!

00:17:42,689 --> 00:17:44,198

О да, как хорошо.

00:17:44,215 --> 00:17:46,437

— Что узнала?

— Ликёр на пиво — это диво.

00:17:46,469 --> 00:17:47,876

О, это хорошо.

00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:49,754

— Повторим?

— Да, еще бы.

00:17:49,791 --> 00:17:52,932

Помогите отвезти 20 крыс

на свадьбу гублера!

00:17:52,951 --> 00:17:55,509

Это самое инопланетное, что я слышала.

00:17:55,589 --> 00:17:56,855

О да.

00:17:56,870 --> 00:17:59,239

Чем мягче подушка, тем слаще порнушка.

00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:01,578

Надо не забыть,

когда буду покупать подушку.

00:18:06,479 --> 00:18:09,388

Навсегда забудем о том,

что было в номере отеля.

00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:11,355

Я говорю о постели.

00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,782

Идиот. Зачем ты заговорил

об этом сейчас?

00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:14,958

Я же женюсь.

00:18:14,975 --> 00:18:17,576

Прости, надеюсь,

у вас будет счастливый брак,

00:18:17,635 --> 00:18:19,412

и он защитит нас

от твоей подавленной ярости.

00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,857

Толпа невест?

Снимаете ролик для соцсетей?

00:18:33,996 --> 00:18:35,297

Джен! Кто из них Джен?!

00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,741

Если ты не знаешь, откуда знать мне.

00:18:37,746 --> 00:18:40,457

Её здесь нет! Кто все эти невесты?

00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:42,249

Терри, в чем дело? Ты не нашёл её?

00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:45,075

Что значит «не нашел»?! Что происходит?

00:18:45,108 --> 00:18:46,323

С чего бы начать…

00:18:46,347 --> 00:18:47,689

Я превратил её в крысу.

00:18:47,707 --> 00:18:48,661

Что?!

00:18:48,686 --> 00:18:51,300

Знаешь пословицу

«Не подмажешь — не поедешь»?

00:18:51,329 --> 00:18:54,102

Шлорпианские придурки!

Вы разрушили мою жизнь!

00:18:54,122 --> 00:18:55,592

Да пошёл ты, Красный Крис!

00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:57,517

В постели я понял,

что ты не любишь Джен.

00:18:57,531 --> 00:18:59,877

Да, это не наше… Стой. В постели?

00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,627

— Вы с ним спали?

— Никогда. Забудь.

00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:03,321

Мы спали. Молчи об этом.

00:19:03,361 --> 00:19:06,582

Лучший способ справиться со стрессом —

противостоять ему.

00:19:06,602 --> 00:19:09,957

Только тогда можно стать

по-настоящему счастливым.

00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:12,419

Или хотя бы удовлетворённым.

00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,638

Она права.

Ты — мой стресс, Красный гублер.

00:19:14,665 --> 00:19:18,041

Мне не надо было пытаться поладить

и подружиться с тобой.

00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:19,617

Надо было провести черту...

00:19:19,656 --> 00:19:21,001

Лазерной пушкой!

00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,412

Отвали!

00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:29,708

Ну вот. Теперь всё сначала.

00:19:29,738 --> 00:19:31,451

Но мы вынесли ценный урок.

00:19:31,495 --> 00:19:33,012

По крайней мере, ты — про стресс,

00:19:33,013 --> 00:19:34,675

а репликанты — про враньё.

00:19:34,689 --> 00:19:37,127

— А я ничему не научился.

— Дай Терри шлем,

00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:38,991

чтобы он усвоил урок, как и все мы.

00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:42,991

О, я узнал, что иногда

00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,502

эмоциональные проблемы не вписываются

в жёсткие рамки.

00:19:45,529 --> 00:19:47,800

И надо просто принять хаос

и не переживать.

00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,579

Мы семья.

00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:56,552

Мне гораздо лучше быть крысой.

00:19:56,757 --> 00:19:58,816

Я чуть не вышла за красную козявку.

00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,427

Но теперь я здесь, в огромной трубе,

00:20:00,478 --> 00:20:02,115

могу, сколько захочу, есть испражнения.

00:20:02,254 --> 00:20:05,323

И я рада быть с тобой, Деннис,

с самой накачанной крысой в городе.

00:20:07,483 --> 00:20:09,096

Тебе повезло, что ты так хорош

в крысином сексе,

00:20:09,130 --> 00:20:10,747

иначе у нас ничего не вышло бы.

00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,319

Если вы чувствуете, что не усвоили урок,

посетите страницу

00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:23,200

Первый урок бесплатно.

Но мы полагаемся на вашу честность.

00:20:23,226 --> 00:20:24,623

Вы должны прислать деньги.

00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:26,844

Если вы согласны, значит,

вы усвоили урок.

00:20:26,873 --> 00:20:29,611

Если нет — вы мерзавцы,

обкрадывающие мультики.

00:00:10,950 --> 00:00:11,570

О да.

00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,580

Вот эта от Сэмюэля, созданная Сэмом Джексоном для фирмы Kangol.

00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:15,990

Это именно та модель, которую он носил

00:00:15,990 --> 00:00:17,500

на премьере рекламы Capital One.

00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,660

Мне нравится, что её можно носить одной стороной

00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:22,670

и выглядеть, как газетчик, а другая сторона - и ты плохиш.

00:00:22,670 --> 00:00:24,420

- Мы запатентовали это.

- Можно побыстрее?

00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:26,670

Похоже, в этом ТЦ есть какая-то комната с кучей детей,

00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:28,170

а ещё шкафчик с кучей женских ног.

00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:29,130

Я хочу посмотреть на это все.

00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:32,010

Черт, Терри. Да ты крут.

00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:37,020

У Красного Мисистика пистолет!

00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:39,390

Что за черт, Корво? Ты смял мою шапку!

00:00:39,390 --> 00:00:40,440

Красный Мисистик?

00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,690

Подождите-ка нахрен.

00:00:41,690 --> 00:00:43,610

Я думал, что ты в прошлом году убил Красного Мисистика?

00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,150

После того, как он преследовал нас в том магазине?

00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:47,690

- П-помнишь все это?

- Да, я соврал, что убил его.

00:00:47,690 --> 00:00:49,030

Он сбежал, и я думал,

00:00:49,030 --> 00:00:51,530

что он просто исчезнет, как тот глаз, который рос у меня на спине.

00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,200

Черт, Терри! Глаз все ещё на месте!

00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,410

Как и Красный Мисистик!

00:00:54,410 --> 00:00:55,830

Стоп, что за черт? Почему он такой громадный?

00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,990

Раньше он был размером с мячом для софтбола.

00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:59,160

Или как толстый мяч для бейсбола.

00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,660

Не знаю, Терри, наверное, он рос, когда я волновался.

00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:03,750

Или он много ел. Хватит придираться.

00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,630

Ну извини, что пытаюсь быть логичным.

00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:11,670

Подожди, подожди, подожди! Клянусь, я больше не пытаюсь убить тебя!

00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,970

Ну да, а что это за лазерная пушка у тебя в руках?

00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,680

Это сканер кодов.

00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,680

Я выбираю вещи для своей свадьбы.

00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:21,480

У этого ублюдка нет никакой свадьбы. Быстрее, Корво, убей его!

00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,690

Застрели его, застрели его, застрели его...

00:01:22,690 --> 00:01:25,360

- Мисти, что происходит?

- Это мой кошмар.

00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,150

Джен, это Терри и Корво.

00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:29,690

Эм, да, Корво породил меня из своего стресса,

00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,700

и я постоянно кричал "пошёл на хер" и пытался убить его.

00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,070

Я был ужасным, несчастным человеком.

00:01:35,070 --> 00:01:36,620

Корво, мне так жаль.

00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:39,040

Можешь засунуть свои извинения в задницу и скинуться в море.

00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,040

Ты прав. Я не заслуживаю прощения.

00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,830

Каждый день я живу с виной за то, как я к тебе относился.

00:01:43,830 --> 00:01:45,330

Ты больше не тот парень, Красный.

00:01:45,330 --> 00:01:47,420

Если и нет, то все благодаря тебе, Джен.

00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:49,380

Джен достала меня из тёмного места.

00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:51,800

Теперь все, чего я хочу, это жениться на этой прекрасной женщине,

00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,010

просыпаться каждый день и печь ей хлеб

00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:56,760

с помощью хлебопечки Breville Custom Loaf.

00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,770

Эм, ладно. Ну, просто не целься в меня из лазерной пушки.

00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:04,270

Да, это моя вина. Спасибо за понимание.

00:02:04,270 --> 00:02:06,310

Эй, я так боялся этого дня,

00:02:06,310 --> 00:02:08,270

но было здорово увидеться.

00:02:08,270 --> 00:02:09,770

- Это да.

- Удачи, бро.

00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:13,610

Я на это не куплюсь. А ты?

00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:15,740

О, я купился, но у меня такая низкая самооценка,

00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:17,120

что я просто соглашусь с тобой.

00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,870

- Он лжец и вообще отстойный.

- Это точно!

00:02:18,870 --> 00:02:20,490

К черту этого ублюдка!

00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:22,080

Люблю, когда у тебя нет собственных убеждений.

00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,330

Тогда и я люблю.

00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,420

Планета Шлорп являлась идеальной утопией.

00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,290

До падения астероида.

00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:31,920

Сотня взрослых и репликантов улетели с планеты вместе с Пупой

00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,010

и отправились в космос

00:02:34,010 --> 00:02:36,430

в поисках нового дома на необитаемой планете.

00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,100

Мы упали на Землю и застряли на этой уже и так перенаселённой планете.

00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,810

Верно, это я говорил все это время.

00:02:41,810 --> 00:02:43,560

Я тот, который держит Пупу. Меня зовут Корво.

00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,980

Это... это моё шоу. Я только что уронил Пупу. Видите меня?

00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:47,440

Это просто смешно.

00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,310

Я ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.

00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,650

Люди глупые. Они всегда спорят о политике.

00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:53,650

Все так заняты этой политикой,

00:02:53,650 --> 00:02:55,950

но никто не говорит о том, что Земля - это яйцо.

00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:57,410

Почему они об этом не говорят?

00:03:04,329 --> 00:03:06,169

Почему люди так помешаны на спорте?

00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:08,459

Они ещё не поняли, что кардио вызывает рак?

00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:10,289

О боже, мы будем сегодня бежать милю?

00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:13,169

У меня туфли, кричащие "возьми меня". Я не могу в них бежать, я взяла их в аренду!

00:03:13,169 --> 00:03:14,339

Я тоже отстойно бегаю.

00:03:14,339 --> 00:03:17,469

Мои ноги созданы для управления правой и левой педалью

00:03:17,469 --> 00:03:20,099

моей машины для убийств, а не для того, чтобы бегать по кругу.

00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,099

Давай просто пойдём. Никто и не заметит.

00:03:22,099 --> 00:03:24,519

Не помнишь, что произошло в прошлом году?

00:03:24,519 --> 00:03:25,769

Меня вырвет.

00:03:25,769 --> 00:03:27,189

Миля за 15 минут?

00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:29,859

У вас не получится ухудшить средний уровень школы.

00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:33,229

То, как быстро вы, гадёныши, пробежите, повлияет на бюджет на математику и науку.

00:03:33,229 --> 00:03:35,359

Все бегут ещё раз!

00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:36,569

А если вам это не нравится,

00:03:36,569 --> 00:03:40,659

то скажите спасибо Мистеру и Миссис Королевство гребаного хрустального черепа.

00:03:43,619 --> 00:03:45,449

Я только избавилась от сыпи из-за нуги.

00:03:45,449 --> 00:03:47,459

Ну все. Мы не будем бежать.

00:03:49,169 --> 00:03:50,999

Получить доступ к технологиям читерства.

00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,509

Я не знала, что у тебя есть карманное измерение.

00:03:54,509 --> 00:03:56,799

- Круто, да?

- Ага, если бы только не этот розовый цвет.

00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:58,299

Невозможно выбрать цвет!

00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,099

Ты хочешь использовать шлем с читерством временем?

00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:02,009

Разве это не читерство?

00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,809

О да, столько читерства, сколько возможно.

00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:07,689

но на всех этих занятиях после школы говорят, что читерство не работает!

00:04:07,689 --> 00:04:09,939

Слушай, ты хочешь, чтобы люди весь год злились на нас?

00:04:09,939 --> 00:04:12,399

Или ты хочешь стать читерами на секунду?

00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:16,239

Ну ладно, только разок.

00:04:16,239 --> 00:04:17,699

Нужно быть аккуратнее.

00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:19,199

Потому что, если верить "Овощным историям",

00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:21,279

читерство превратит тебя в гейскую картошку.

00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,119

Я готов рискнуть.

00:04:25,079 --> 00:04:27,039

Что это за шлемы и рюкзаки?

00:04:27,039 --> 00:04:29,079

Эм, вообще, вам нельзя об этом спрашивать,

00:04:29,079 --> 00:04:31,919

потому что они заряжают нашу гендерную идентичность или типа того.

00:04:31,919 --> 00:04:35,049

Ладно. На этот раз вам лучше порадовать меня

00:04:35,049 --> 00:04:37,509

или я убью вас нахер.

00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:51,729

Вы пробежали целую милю за минуту?

00:04:51,729 --> 00:04:54,189

Довольно быстро, да? Мы можем закончить с этим тупым бегом?

00:04:54,189 --> 00:04:57,319

Нет! Конечно же нет. Потому что вы точно чи...

00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:59,399

Ну вот и все. Я знала.

00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:00,909

Лучшие бегуны из всех!

00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:04,239

Эти прекрасные пришельцы поедут на региональные!

00:05:04,239 --> 00:05:07,619

Региональные? О нет. Ты уверен, что мы не заходим слишком далеко?

00:05:07,619 --> 00:05:09,329

О да. Это точно.

00:05:09,329 --> 00:05:12,289

American Airlines? Один билет до региональных на Гавайях, пожалуйста.

00:05:12,289 --> 00:05:13,379

Вам подойдёт второй класс?

00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:14,709

- Подойдёт что?

- Второй класс.

00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:16,549

Да, я просто класс, а ещё и директор.

00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:18,129

Нет, я говорю про экономии.

00:05:18,129 --> 00:05:19,469

Мы все знаем, что с экономикой все в порядке,

00:05:19,469 --> 00:05:21,339

но вы не уговорите меня купить дорогой билет.

00:05:21,339 --> 00:05:22,889

Давайте начнём сначала: без пересадки?

00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,469

Вау, ладно.

00:05:24,469 --> 00:05:26,139

Один билет на самое лучшее место, пожалуйста.

00:05:26,139 --> 00:05:28,429

Я хочу заплатить карточкой с номером, заканчивающимся на 7624.

00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,229

Я просто зарегистрирую вас в первый класс, чтобы закончить разговор.

00:05:31,939 --> 00:05:33,479

Каждый раз работает.

00:05:34,729 --> 00:05:37,779

Этот протухший помидор точно что-то задумал, я это нутром чувствую.

00:05:37,779 --> 00:05:38,979

Мы должны быть готовы к нападению.

00:05:38,979 --> 00:05:40,649

Сейчас я приму половину таблетки для суицида,

00:05:40,649 --> 00:05:42,909

а потом, когда он будет нас пытать, приму вторую.

00:05:43,859 --> 00:05:45,949

Если ты герлскаут, то сразу скажи,

00:05:45,949 --> 00:05:47,079

и я все равно тебя пристрелю.

00:05:47,079 --> 00:05:48,369

- Это Джен!

- Пожалуйста, не убивай нас!

00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:50,579

Да не буду. Простите, что пришла без приглашения,

00:05:50,579 --> 00:05:52,919

я всего лишь хочу попросить вас об одной услуге.

00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,499

Дай-ка догадаюсь, ты хочешь, чтобы мы пристрелили себя через глотку?

00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:56,379

Ну уж нет!

00:05:56,379 --> 00:06:00,089

Эм, нет. Я-я просто хотела узнать, придёте ли вы на нашу свадьбу?

00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:01,719

Это ловушка, Терри, беги!

00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:03,679

Нет, постойте. Мисти не знает, что я здесь.

00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:05,759

Вы - это самое близкое, что у него есть.

00:06:05,759 --> 00:06:07,349

Если вы придёте на нашу свадьбу, то он наконец

00:06:07,349 --> 00:06:09,059

сможет смириться с прошлым.

00:06:09,059 --> 00:06:10,769

Прийти на свадьбу Красного Мисистика?

00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:12,939

Ха. Нет, черт возьми.

00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,519

Слушай, пока у Мисистика будет нечто хорошее в его жизни,

00:06:15,519 --> 00:06:17,569

он не будет пытаться вырезать тебе глаза и насрать тебе в рот.

00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:20,069

Ты можешь быть прав. Твоя единственная ежегодная хорошая идея.

00:06:20,069 --> 00:06:22,109

Неа, у меня была хорошая идея на прошлой неделе! Помнишь?

00:06:22,109 --> 00:06:23,899

Я накопил деньги для нашего братства, продавая пироги,

00:06:23,899 --> 00:06:25,569

но на дне формы для пирога было голое изображение

00:06:25,569 --> 00:06:26,949

Подружек Альфа-Бета.

00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:29,789

Именно поэтому мы продали так много пирогов. Все пироги. Помнишь?

00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,249

Я посещу вашу церемонию,

00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:34,249

чтобы Красный Мисистик стал счастливым и больше не трогал меня.

00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:37,249

Ладно, но вы можете быть не такими странными на свадьбе?

00:06:37,249 --> 00:06:38,289

Там будет моя мама и...

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Заткнись. Есть лишь одна проблема:

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ты слишком простая, чтобы долго радовать Красного Мисистика.

00:06:41,919 --> 00:06:44,339

И если вы расстанетесь, то он станет ещё опаснее, чем до этого.

00:06:44,339 --> 00:06:47,339

Я помолвлена с мисистиком. Я не такая уж и простая.

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Тебя зовут Джен, тебя легко забыть.

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Где ты покупаешь одежду, T. J. Minimum?

00:06:51,219 --> 00:06:53,139

Да, сейчас он тебя любит, но когда ты ему надоешь,

00:06:53,139 --> 00:06:55,189

как нам, он снова начнёт охотиться на меня!

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Я начинаю понимать, почему Красный тебя ненавидит.

00:06:57,439 --> 00:06:58,689

- Что за черт?

- Быстрее, Терри,

00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,269

принеси Красивый луч!

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Сейчас!

00:07:04,649 --> 00:07:05,699

Терри, помоги!

00:07:05,699 --> 00:07:09,029

Этот стерва избивает меня самым скучным способом!

00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,619

Выстрели в неё из Красивого луча!

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Что это такое?!

00:07:11,489 --> 00:07:13,869

Замри, этот луч сделать тебя классной и все такое.

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Не смей стрелять в меня из этого! Я тебя засужу!

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Она становится все проще с каждой секундой!

00:07:24,589 --> 00:07:26,009

А ну отдай.

00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:27,969

Ты использовал не тот луч! Это Крысиный луч!

00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,889

Нам нужен был Красивый луч.

00:07:30,679 --> 00:07:31,889

Он прямо здесь, идиот.

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- Ты читать не умеешь?

- Конечно же умею.

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Он не умеет.

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Почему ты распределил их по первой букве?

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- Это алфавитный порядок!

- О боже. И что это значит?

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Черт! Хватай её! Хватай!

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О боже, Терри, если мы не вернём её до свадьбы,

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то Красный Мисистик точно придёт за нами!

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Черт! Ладно, ладно, ладно. Я найду её и обращу обратно,

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а ты пока отвлеки Красного Мисистика.

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Выходи, Джен.

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Мы можем пойти в кофейню, где на стене нарисованы крылья,

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ты сможешь там попозировать, будет весело.

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А ну выходи!

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Перерыв на мороженое.

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Я хочу мороженое в виде Соника.

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Но не тот новый дизайн, который обсирают в Твиттере. Хочу оригинал!

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О нет, это слишком сложно.

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Дай мне мороженое с черепашками-ниндзя из второго из первых фильмов,

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но не из мультиков!

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О черт, черт, черт. Крыса-Джен, нет!

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Быстрее! Ну давай!

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Давай, ниндзя! Давай!

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Добро пожаловать на мальчишник!

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У Красного уже был мальчишник месяц назад.

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Мы построили приют в Никарагуа.

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Черт возьми, Тэннер! Ты всегда недоволен!

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Кто ты такой?

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Я тот, кто потратил много шекелей на пентхауз.

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И не для того, чтобы вас отвлечь,

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а просто потому что я люблю гостеприимство.

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Это так классно, Корво! Спасибо!

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Моя мечта становится реальностью.

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С тех пор, как я посмотрел Незваных гостей,

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я всегда хотел мальчишник в стиле Мальчишника в Вегасе.

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Это твоя ночь, детка.

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Штуки из Мальчишника в Вегасе!

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Это последняя ночь, перед тем как он отдаст свои земли

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семье Джен в обмен на её лоно.

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Запомним же эту ночь навсегда!

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О, да! Сейчас я только наберу Джен,

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а потом можно и...

00:09:03,768 --> 00:09:06,188

Никаких телефонов, бро! Правила Мальчишника!

00:09:06,938 --> 00:09:09,948

Лучше занюхаем дорожку в лучших традициях Индианы Джонса!

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Всем кокаина!

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Ого, здесь все так, как я и представлял.

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Так, мерзкие инопланетяшки, если вы выиграете,

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то мы будем купаться в гавайских кисках.

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Сделайте это ради меня.

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Божечки, здесь так много людей.

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Нас точно спалят.

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Ладно, сейчас перенастрою наше устройство.

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Мы примем участие, но проиграем.

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А потом отправимся пить коктейли на пляже,

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Пока Кук будет спускать пар.

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Ладно.

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На старт. Внимание.

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Срань Господня! Да!

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Тридцать секунд? Вот ты идиот!

00:10:00,538 --> 00:10:02,078

Мы ещё быстрее пробежали.

00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:03,578

Вот блин! Я все неправильно настроил!

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Надеюсь, никто не заметил!

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Прошу прощения, мы не могли не заметить...

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О, Божечки, простите нас.

00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:13,888

Какой-то бездомный в футболке Hulu заставил нас сделать это!

00:10:13,888 --> 00:10:16,428

А мы даже ходить быстро не любим.

00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:18,768

Стейси Грабовски, это мой напарник Фларт.

00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:21,228

Мы из Федерального Бюро Спорта.

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И здесь творится что-то подозрительное.

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О чем это вы?

00:10:24,598 --> 00:10:26,188

Подозрительно, что вы оба

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ещё не на Олимпийских играх!

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Вы такие быстрые!

00:10:29,188 --> 00:10:32,028

Срань Господня. Я так и знала. Дошло?

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Мы здесь ищем кандидатов в сборную по лёгкой атлетике,

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и вы обязаны в неё вступить.

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Соревнования в эту субботу в Москве.

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Наконец-то мы победим этих никчёмных русских читеров

00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,248

с помощью самых обычных честных и быстрых американских детей!

00:10:45,248 --> 00:10:47,878

Русски Киски, мы идемски!

00:10:47,878 --> 00:10:48,918

Да!

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А сейчас мы поклянёмся на крови.

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Быстрее, пока у меня не закружилась голова.

00:10:55,218 --> 00:10:56,678

Блин, извините.

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Я и забыл, как сильно моя кровь любит вкус человеческой крови.

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Типичный Вегас.

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Джен, неси сюда свою упругую крысиную задницу!

00:11:05,228 --> 00:11:06,348

Да, вот так,

00:11:06,348 --> 00:11:09,268

все серии "Терьеров" на Blu-ray.

00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,488

Крыски любят "Терьеров", правда же?

00:11:11,488 --> 00:11:13,198

Вот так. Хорошая девочка.

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Жаль, что они их отменили.

00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,318

Вот и чем они думали?

00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:18,328

Вот черт! И кто из них теперь Джен?

00:11:18,328 --> 00:11:19,828

У них у всех чёткие попки!

00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:21,538

Черт возьми. Ладно, Терри, соберись.

00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:23,658

Сейчас или никогда. Я не остановлюсь, пока...

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О, мороженка!

00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:27,918

Странно, что он орал "я неуязвимый!",

00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:29,378

хотя мы видим совсем обратное.

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Здесь шесть патронов!

00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:32,208

Ты правил Русской рулетки не знаешь?

00:11:32,208 --> 00:11:34,798

Вообще-то не знаю. Думал, что пойму в процессе.

00:11:34,798 --> 00:11:36,718

И понял же. Меньше патронов, тут ясно.

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Спокойно, сейчас все исправлю.

00:11:40,138 --> 00:11:41,518

Не хочу вдаваться в подробности,

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но не все собаки попадают в рай.

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Остальные собаки - расисты. Белые собаки.

00:11:49,398 --> 00:11:51,148

Давай, давай.

00:11:52,728 --> 00:11:54,948

Надо было в два захода!

00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:57,698

Надеюсь, среди них не было Джен.

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АИША, надо устройство, чтобы надеть свадебное платье на крысу.

00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:02,908

Это устройство №25.

00:12:07,368 --> 00:12:09,708

Ну давай, где же ты, обычная невеста?

00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:12,338

Наверное, покупаешь коврик в товарах для дома.

00:12:15,628 --> 00:12:17,338

Что за ночь отвлекающих манёвров!

00:12:17,338 --> 00:12:21,138

А я уже давненько не закапывал трупы в пустыне.

00:12:21,138 --> 00:12:24,018

Спасибо за сегодня. Я знаю, ты во многом заморочился.

00:12:24,018 --> 00:12:25,678

Все для тебя, Красный Мисистик.

00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,518

Слушай, может, стоит сменить имя на Крис?

00:12:28,518 --> 00:12:31,858

Это сильное и красивое имя. Оно подходит тебе... Крис.

00:12:31,858 --> 00:12:33,608

Эй, дай-ка мне свою руку.

00:12:33,608 --> 00:12:35,648

О, твои руки такие тёплые.

00:12:35,648 --> 00:12:36,988

Взгляни на свою линию стресса.

00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:39,778

Она начинается на ладони и тянется к самому сердцу.

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Как приятно.

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И мы это сделаем?

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Эй! Але! Чуваки. Братишки!

00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:52,588

Ну же, проснитесь. Я хочу забрать свои вещи!

00:12:52,588 --> 00:12:55,378

И как только можно спать под такой будильник? Похоже на рёв.

00:13:01,338 --> 00:13:03,098

А я говорил тебе пойти на хер.

00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:05,218

Я же не знал, что это всерьёз.

00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:09,688

Господи, я же изменил Джен,

00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:10,978

и не жалею об этом!

00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:12,518

Значит ли это, что нам не стоит жениться?

00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:14,228

Нет. Жениться все ещё нужно.

00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:16,318

На мне! Сделаем как в "Сбежавшей невесте"!

00:13:23,158 --> 00:13:24,658

Ну все, нам конец.

00:13:24,658 --> 00:13:26,578

Кто-нибудь точно поймёт, что мы обманщики,

00:13:26,578 --> 00:13:29,248

и убьёт так же, как когда-то Лэнса Армстронга.

00:13:29,248 --> 00:13:30,828

Его не убили, ему просто отрезали яичко.

00:13:30,828 --> 00:13:33,458

Но у нас нет яичек! Что они нам отрежут?

00:13:33,458 --> 00:13:35,958

Может, не все так плохо, как кажется.

00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:37,918

Никому нет дела до Юношеских Олимпийских игр.

00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,298

Я даже не знал об их существовании.

00:13:39,838 --> 00:13:42,218

Мишель Обама?

00:13:42,218 --> 00:13:43,598

Джесси, Юмми!

00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:46,218

Мои две американские звёздочки.

00:13:46,218 --> 00:13:48,058

Эм, привет. Как дела?

00:13:48,058 --> 00:13:50,478

Став президентом, все это время

00:13:50,478 --> 00:13:52,558

я искала героев.

00:13:52,558 --> 00:13:55,518

Вы - образцы честности и достоинства,

00:13:55,518 --> 00:13:58,778

и поэтому я поставлю весь бюджет США

00:13:58,778 --> 00:14:00,318

на вашу победу.

00:14:00,318 --> 00:14:01,858

- А это законно?

- Ещё как.

00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:05,198

Буш хорошо поднялся на башнях-близнецах, но проиграл все на Рестлмании.

00:14:05,198 --> 00:14:09,328

То есть судьба всей страны зависит от нашей честной победы?

00:14:09,328 --> 00:14:11,998

Да. И если вы проиграете, нам придётся закрыть Америку,

00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:14,748

и весь мир будет знать, что это ваша вина.

00:14:17,168 --> 00:14:19,418

- Признаю, все зашло слишком далеко.

- Да ладно?!

00:14:19,418 --> 00:14:21,168

Ну скажем, что мы съели недостаточно фастфуда,

00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:23,388

и нас накрыла такая диарея, что невозможно бежать.

00:14:23,388 --> 00:14:25,298

Нет. Всему есть предел.

00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,848

Мы не можем просто врать и надеяться, что нас никто не убьёт.

00:14:27,848 --> 00:14:29,888

Пора прекращать.

- Ты совершенно права.

00:14:29,888 --> 00:14:31,938

Нам пора выйти и во всем признаться.

00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,558

Этот обман закончится сейчас.

00:14:33,558 --> 00:14:37,018

Ведь что хорошего в славе, деньгах, сексе

00:14:37,018 --> 00:14:39,818

и рекламе American Express с Тиной Фей и Майклом Че?

00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:45,158

Вы завоевали сердца миллионов своей быстротой,

00:14:45,158 --> 00:14:47,408

а главное - честностью.

00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,488

Спасибо.

- Ещё бы.

00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,828

Мы тут всей страной скинулись

00:14:50,828 --> 00:14:53,168

на небольшой подарок вам.

00:14:53,168 --> 00:14:55,078

Десять миллионов долларов!

00:14:55,078 --> 00:14:58,248

По миллиону за каждую секунду вашего сегодняшнего забега!

00:14:58,248 --> 00:14:59,798

Какая скорость!

00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,007

Стоило сделать это раньше.

00:15:05,007 --> 00:15:06,797

Я годами искал своего спутника жизни,

00:15:06,797 --> 00:15:08,677

не подозревая, что он все время был внутри меня.

00:15:08,677 --> 00:15:10,177

Я навеки твой, Корви.

00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,307

Скорее, любовь моя, найди ближайшую церковь.

00:15:12,307 --> 00:15:15,267

Через три километра есть крепость мормонов.

00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:18,777

Отлично! Давай послушаем подкаст вместе, как пара, пока едем.

00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:22,357

Сегодня мы поговорим о звуках трубы.

00:15:22,357 --> 00:15:23,147

Звуки духовых...

00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:24,907

Эм, может, послушаем что другое?

00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:26,197

Да ладно, дай ему шанс.

00:15:26,197 --> 00:15:28,527

Чтобы жить вместе, мы должны оставаться честными.

00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:30,867

И я, если честно, ненавижу этот подкаст.

00:15:30,867 --> 00:15:34,037

Ладно, дорогой. Что ты хочешь послушать?

00:15:35,077 --> 00:15:36,667

Знаете, Аяуаска может быть

00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,537

древом жизни, которое мы искали.

00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,837

Его целебные свойства поражают.

00:15:40,837 --> 00:15:43,127

Бесплатное оружие не бесплатное. Надо только полизать ноги.

00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:44,877

Какой отстой! Мне не нравится.

00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,597

Что? Джо Роган - это Майя Энджелоу нашего времени.

00:15:47,597 --> 00:15:49,717

В нашем времени уже есть Майя Энджелоу.

00:15:49,717 --> 00:15:50,637

И это Марк Кьюбан!

00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:52,387

- Эй, милый.

- Да, дорогой?

00:15:52,387 --> 00:15:54,307

Я тебя люблю, но ты говоришь как дырка в жопе,

00:15:54,307 --> 00:15:55,517

когда речь о таких вещах.

00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:57,357

Как это возможно, если у меня нет дырки в жопе?

00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,687

И кстати, куда ты до этого меня трахал?

00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:02,067

Черт, я мисею! Посмотри, что ты наделал!

00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,447

Но ночью ты не жаловался, шлюшка!

00:16:06,947 --> 00:16:09,867

- У нас ничего не получится? Да, Крис?

- Боюсь, что так.

00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:13,747

Что же я наделал? Не могу поверить, что я разрушил все, что было у нас с Джен.

00:16:13,747 --> 00:16:16,167

Я идиот. Вот всегда я так.

00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,377

Вдруг ещё не все потеряно?

00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,837

Ещё успеем отвезти тебя на свадьбу.

00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:20,667

- Мы не успеем.

- У нас куча вр...

00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:23,707

Черт! Надо торопиться! Я забыл, что на этой планете время не стоит на месте.

00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:28,177

Водитель ты фиговый.

00:16:28,177 --> 00:16:29,297

Как же я тебя ненавижу.

00:16:29,637 --> 00:16:31,257

Расскажи мне о себе.

00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:35,307

Стоп, Джен?

00:16:35,307 --> 00:16:36,187

Вот блин, и ты крыса.

00:16:37,647 --> 00:16:39,307

Пофиг. Просто сделаю вас крутыми.

00:16:39,307 --> 00:16:40,857

Красный Мисистик даже разницы не заметит.

00:16:45,357 --> 00:16:47,607

Вот оно! Вы, девчонки, теперь такие крутые!

00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:50,577

Эй, просто хотел снова

00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,447

поздравить вас со всеми победами,

00:16:52,447 --> 00:16:53,787

ещё и абсолютно честными.

00:16:54,617 --> 00:16:56,287

Я так больше не могу!

00:16:56,287 --> 00:16:57,707

Когда нам преподадут урок?

00:16:57,707 --> 00:16:59,877

Обычно я радуюсь, когда мне все сходит с рук,

00:16:59,877 --> 00:17:00,917

но это другое.

00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:03,297

То, что нас взяли в команду США, было последней каплей.

00:17:03,297 --> 00:17:06,667

Обычно к этому моменту своих приключений мы усваиваем урок.

00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,507

Мне кажется, что по мне бегают муравьи.

00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:11,007

Это от холода? Или от жары? Меня то в холод, то в жар бросает!

00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:12,427

У нас синдром неусвоения урока!

00:17:12,427 --> 00:17:14,967

И так будет до тех пор, пока мы не поймём хоть что-нибудь.

00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,767

Но как? Как это сделать?

00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,267

Стой! Все это время мы всех обманывали,

00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:20,937

но что если мы пойдём ещё дальше и

00:17:20,937 --> 00:17:23,897

используем ещё один научный девайс, чтобы удвоить обман?

00:17:23,897 --> 00:17:25,527

У нас есть что-нибудь, что преподаёт урок?

00:17:25,527 --> 00:17:27,817

У нас есть анализатор уроков,

00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:30,237

но мы не хотим его использовать, да?

00:17:33,697 --> 00:17:35,157

Сработало? Ты усвоил урок?

00:17:35,157 --> 00:17:37,287

О, да, и это потрясно.

00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:39,617

Я узнал, что "цыплят по осени считают".

00:17:39,617 --> 00:17:41,417

Ого! Дай мне!

00:17:42,037 --> 00:17:44,127

О, да, как же круто.

00:17:44,127 --> 00:17:46,417

- Что узнала?

- Что нельзя понижать градус.

00:17:46,417 --> 00:17:47,837

О, вот это умная мысль.

00:17:47,837 --> 00:17:49,677

- Хочешь ещё урок?

- Конечно!

00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,677

Помогите отвезти 15 женщин-крыс

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на свадьбу Красного. Быстрее!

00:17:52,887 --> 00:17:54,887

Звучит в стиле Солнечных противоположностей.

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"Чем мягче подушка, тем приятнее спать".

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Надо будет запомнить, если пойдём за подушками.

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Мы никогда не должны вспоминать о том, что произошло в отеле.

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Я сейчас про секс.

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Понятное дело, идиот. Зачем ты вообще сейчас это вспомнил?

00:18:13,777 --> 00:18:14,867

Я тут жениться собрался.

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Прости, я просто надеюсь, что вы с Джен будете счастливы в браке,

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а мы не пострадаем от твоего гнева.

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Столько невест... Это шутка какая-то?

00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,427

Джен? Кто из них Джен?

00:18:35,427 --> 00:18:37,767

Чувак, ну если и ты не знаешь, то я точно не знаю.

00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,437

Её здесь нет! Кто, черт возьми, все эти невесты?

00:18:40,437 --> 00:18:42,187

Терри, какого черта? Ты не нашёл её?

00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,017

В каком смысле "нашёл"? Что за херня здесь творится?

00:18:45,017 --> 00:18:46,187

Ох, с чего бы начать?

00:18:46,187 --> 00:18:47,647

Я превратил эту сучку в крысу.

00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:48,607

- Что?

00:18:48,607 --> 00:18:51,107

"Плати бензином, травкой или натурой - бесплатно никто не подвезёт".

00:18:51,107 --> 00:18:54,317

Пошёл ты, шлорпианский кусок говна! Вы разрушили мою жизнь!

00:18:54,317 --> 00:18:55,527

Пошёл ты, Красный Крис!

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В постели ты говорил мне, что не любишь Джен.

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Да, это даже не наша вина... Стоп, в постели?

00:18:59,907 --> 00:19:01,577

Вы что, чпокались?

- Что? Забудь.

00:19:01,577 --> 00:19:03,287

Мы трахались. Не говори об этом.

00:19:03,287 --> 00:19:06,587

Лучший способ справиться со стрессом - прожить его.

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Только тогда станешь по-настоящему счастливым.

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Ну или менее несчастным.

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Она права. Ты - мой стресс, Красный Мисистик.

00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:18,137

Я не должен был пытаться управлять тобой или подавлять.

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Пора установить границы.

00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:20,977

Поджарив твою задницу!

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Пошёл на хер!

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Черт, опять все сначала.

00:19:29,607 --> 00:19:31,487

Но мы извлекли из этого ценный урок.

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Ты извлёк насчёт стресса,

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а репликанты - насчёт лжи.

00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,867

А я вообще ничему не научился.

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Дай Терри анализатор уроков,

00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:38,787

чтобы он тоже извлёк урок.

00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:43,037

Я понял, что иногда

00:19:43,037 --> 00:19:45,497

эмоциональные события разрушают привычный уклад,

00:19:45,497 --> 00:19:47,787

и тогда необходимо принять хаос и не переживать.

00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,457

Как семьи и поступают.

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Быть крысой намного лучше.

00:19:56,537 --> 00:19:58,757

Я чуть не вышла замуж за красную козявку.

00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:00,277

Но теперь я в канализации,

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где могу есть дерьмо

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и благословлена тобой, Деннис, самой наркоманской крысой.

00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:08,927

Повезло, что ты хорош в крысином сексе,

00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:10,327

а иначе я бы ушла.

00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,515

Oh, yeah. This is from Samuel

by Sam Jackson for Kangol.

00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,018

It's the model he wore to the

premiere of his Capital One commercial.

00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,521

Mmm... I love it how you can wear it

one way and look like a newsboy

00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,648

and another way and look like a bad boy.

00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,483

- We patented that.

- Could we hurry this up?

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Apparently this mall has

some sort of gap full of babies

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and a locker full of ladies' feet.

I want to see that stuff.

00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,907

Damn, Terry, looking smooth as eggs.

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Red Goobler, got a gun!

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What the hell, Korvo?

You mangled my Kangol!

00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,542

Red Goobler? Wait a hot fucking second.

00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,002

I thought you killed

the Red Goobler last year.

00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,129

After he hunted us in the Halloween store.

Remember that whole thing?

00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,840

Yeah, I lied about killing him.

00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,883

He got away, and I kinda just thought

maybe he'd disappear

00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,718

like that eye that used to be on my back.

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,304

Damn it, Terry, that eye is still there,

and so is the Red Goobler.

00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,806

Wait, what the fuck?

Why's he so big?

00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,975

Last time we saw him

he was the size of a softball.

00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,226

Or like a fat baseball.

00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,645

I don't know, Terry.

He probably grows when I'm stressed out.

00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,897

Or maybe he eats a lot.

Stop trying to poke holes.

00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,607

Sorry for trying to be consistent.

00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,653

Wait, wait, wait!

00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,655

I'm not trying to kill you any more,

I swear!

00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,949

Oh, please! Then what's with

that sweet-ass laser gun?

00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,576

It's just a barcode scanner.

00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,661

I'm registering for my wedding.

00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,416

This trash isn't getting married.

Quick, Korvo, murder him! Shoot him!

00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,625

Baby, what's going on?

00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,294

This is my nightmare!

00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,129

Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.

00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,715

So, yeah, Korvo birthed me

from his stress,

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and I used to yell, "Get fucked,"

and try to kill him.

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I was a terrible, unhappy person.

00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597

And, Korvo, I'm so sorry.

00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,057

You can shoot your apology in the butt

and bury it at sea.

00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,018

You're right. I don't deserve forgiveness.

00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,770

I live with the guilt

of how I treated you every day.

00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,439

You aren't that guy anymore, Red.

00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,441

If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.

00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,234

Jen pulled me out of a dark place.

00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,778

Now all I want to do is marry

this perfect woman,

00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,989

wake up every day and make her bread.

00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,617

With this Breville Custom Loaf

Bread Maker.

00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,747

Okay, well, just don't aim at me

with a laser gun.

00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,124

Totally my fault.

Thanks for understanding.

00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:08,212

Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,

but it was honestly nice running into you.

00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,963

- You too.

- Stay cool, brother.

00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,091

I didn't buy any of that

for a second.

00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,718

- Did you?

- Oh, I totally bought it,

00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,095

but my self-esteem is so low that

I'll go along with whatever you feel.

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,931

- He's a liar and he sucks.

- I know, right?

00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,265

Fuck that little asshole.

00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,059

I love when you don't

have any convictions.

00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,310

Then I do too.

00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,273

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,193

One hundred adults and their replicants

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were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,615

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,993

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,828

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,664

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,499

This is... This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251

Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:50,212

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,672

They're always arguing about politics.

00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,590

Everyone is so busy

arguing about politics.

00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,926

But no one is talking about

how the Earth is an egg.

00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,386

Why aren't they talking about that?

00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,144

What is with humans'

obsession with fitness?

00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,438

Haven't they figured out

that cardio causes cancer?

00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,148

Oh, jeez. We're running the mile today?

00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:13,318

I wore my fuck-me pumps.

I can't run in them. They're rentals.

00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,444

I suck at it too.

00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,406

My legs were made for operating

the left-right orientation pedals

00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,200

in a hunt-or-kill startripper,

not running in a circle.

00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,202

Meh. Let's just walk it.

Nobody's gonna notice.

00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496

Don't you remember

what happened last year?

00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,789

I'm gonna puke.

00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,124

A 15-minute mile?

00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,835

I am not letting you freaks

bring down the school average.

00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,213

Our math and science budget is based on

how fast you little shits can move.

00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,132

Everybody is running again.

00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,800

And if you don't like doing it,

00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,554

you can thank Mr. and Mrs. Kingdom

of the Crystal fucking Skull over here.

00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,392

My noogie rash just cleared up.

00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,519

That's it. We are not doing this again.

00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,939

Access cheating devices.

00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,359

Ooh, I didn't know you had

a Pocket Dimension.

00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,778

- Pretty sweet, right?

- Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,906

You don't get to choose the color!

00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,991

Wait, you're gonna use

the Time Cheater Helmet?

00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,492

- Isn't that cheating?

- Oh, yeah.

00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,952

It's as cheating as you can get.

00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,664

But all the afterschool programs

I watch say cheating never works!

00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,000

Look, you want people to be

mean to us all year? Hmm?

00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,377

Or do you want to be cheaters

for one quick second?

00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,549

Well, all right, but just this once.

We got to be careful too,

00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:21,094

'cause, according to VeggieTales,

cheating will make you a gay potato.

00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,096

That's a chance I'm willing to take.

00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,017

What's with the helmets and backpacks?

00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,228

Um, you're actually

not allowed to ask us about it

00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,897

because they power

our gender identity or whatever.

00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,192

Fine. You two better blow me away

with your mile time this year

00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,486

or I will fucking kill you.

00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:51,708

You did the entire mile

in exactly one minute?

00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,169

That was fast, right?

So we can stop doing the stupid test?

00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,462

No, of course you can't.

00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:59,174

- Because you two are, obviously che...

- Oh, no. Here it comes. I knew it.

00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,884

The best runners we've ever had!

00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,221

These beautiful aliens

are going to regionals.

00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,347

Regionals? Oh, no.

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,808

Are you sure we aren't

getting in over our head?

00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,309

Oh, yeah, we definitely are.

00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,187

American Airlines,

one ticket to regionals in Hawaii, please.

00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,273

-Are you okay with coach?

- Am I okay with what?

00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,733

-Coach?

- Yes, I am the coach and the principal.

00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,985

No, I mean economy.

00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,403

We all know the economy is great,

00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,363

but you're not talking me

into an expensive ticket.

00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,739

Let's start over. Non-stop?

00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,241

Wow. Okay.

00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,118

One-ticket-to-regionals-

on-your-finest-seat-please-

00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,412

I'd-like-to-pay-with-a-credit-card-

ending-in-7624.

00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,206

I'm just gonna put you

in first class and end this conversation.

00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,458

Works every time.

00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,461

That swole tomato is up to something.

00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,964

I can feel it in my mound.

We need to be ready for an attack.

00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,799

I'm gonna take half my suicide pills now

00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,260

and save the other half

for when he tortures us.

00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,097

If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,

and I will still shoot you.

00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348

- It's Jen.

- Please don't kill us.

00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601

Not even.

Sorry for dropping by unannounced.

00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,895

I just need to ask you guys for a favor.

00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,230

Let me guess. You want us to

shoot ourselves through our throats?

00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,315

Well, fat chance.

00:05:56,523 --> 00:06:00,068

Uh, no. I was wondering if you two

would come to our wedding.

00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,612

It's a trap, Terry! Run!

00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,655

No! Stop! Goobie doesn't know I'm here.

00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741

You guys are the closest thing

he has to family.

00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,952

If you came to our wedding, it might

let him finally make peace with his past.

00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,539

Attend a Red Goobler wedding?

No fucking way.

00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,292

Listen, as long as that Goobler's

got something else in his life,

00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,544

he won't be trying to cut out your eyes

and shit in your mouth.

00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,088

You might have a point.

Your annual one good idea.

00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,590

Nuh-uh! I had a good idea last week.

00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,884

Remember?

I raised money for a frat by selling pies,

00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,845

but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked

picture of the Alpha Betas' girlfriends?

00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:29,556

That's why we sold so many pies?

The whole pie thing, remember?

00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,183

I will attend your ceremony

00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:34,228

to trick the Red Goobler into being happy

so he won't hurt me anymore.

00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,939

Fine, but can you also not be

this weird at the wedding?

00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,273

My mom's gonna be there...

00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,650

Shut up! There's only one problem.

00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,818

You're far too basic to keep

Red Goobler satisfied.

00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,321

And if you break up, he'll become

more dangerous than ever before.

00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,324

I'm engaged to a Goobler.

I'm as not-basic as they come.

00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,034

Your name is Jen. You're very forgettable.

00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,161

Where do you shop? TJ Minimum?

00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,205

Sure, he loves you now,

but once he's sick of you,

00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,165

like we already are,

it's back to hunting me.

00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,459

I'm starting to understand

why Red hates you.

00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,002

- What the hell?

- Quick, Terry,

00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,213

- go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.

- On it!

00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,760

Terry, help! This Lululemon basic ho

00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,971

is kicking my ass

in the most boring way possible.

00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,722

Shoot her with

the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,849

- What the hell is that?

- Hold still.

00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,851

This ray's gonna make you terrific.

And some other stuff.

00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,061

Don't you dare shoot me with that.

I'll sue you.

00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,980

She's getting basicer by the second.

00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,072

Give me that! You used the wrong ray.

00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,867

This is the Rat Ray.

We needed the R-A-T ray.

00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,869

It's right there, you idiot!

00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,620

- Can't you read?

- Of course I can.

00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,788

He can't.

00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,541

Why would you put them

in order of first letter?

00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,750

It's alphabetical, Terry.

00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,460

Oh, my God, what does that mean? Ah!

00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,712

Shit. Grab her! Grab her!

00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,256

Oh, my God, Terry. If we don't

get her back in time for the wedding,

00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,841

the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure.

00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,218

Fuck! Okay, I'll find her and de-rat her

00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,138

while you keep the Red Goobler distracted.

Come out, Jen!

00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,558

We can go to a coffee shop

that has a painting of wings on a wall.

00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,020

You can pose in front of it.

So fun. Get the fuck out here!

00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814

Ice cream break.

00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,611

I want a Sonic pop, but not the new

design Twitter bullied them into,

00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,404

the original.

Oh, no, that's too complicated.

00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,615

Give me a Ninja Turtle pop

from the second or the first movies,

00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,534

but not from the cartoon.

Oh, fuck! Rat Jen, no!

00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,785

Ring me up! Come on! Let's go!

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,078

Go, Ninja! Go, Ninja, go!

00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,718

- Welcome to your bachelor party.

- Red already had one of these a month ago.

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,553

We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.

00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,305

God damn it, Tanner,

you're always undercutting me.

00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,389

Who are you?

00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,934

I'm the guy who dropped mucho shekels

on a penthouse suite,

00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,062

and not to distract you from anything.

Only because I love hospitality.

00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,022

That's amazing, Korvo. Thank you.

00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,607

This is a dream come true.

00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,442

Ever since I saw Wedding Crashers,

00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,111

I've wanted to have a Hangover-themed

bachelor party.

00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,613

It's your big night, baby.

00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,241

Hangover stuff!

00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,328

This is the last night before Red Goobler

sells his land to Jen's family

00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,163

in exchange for her dusty womb.

00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,165

- Let's make it one to remember.

- Hell yeah!

00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,376

Let me just check in with Jen,

then we can hit...

00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,795

No phones, bro.

00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,171

Bachelor party rules.

00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,048

Let's hit the Strip.

00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,134

Indiana Jones passage-of-time style.

Cocaine for everyone!

00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:28,652

Wow. Regionals is everything

I thought it would be.

00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,195

All right, you filthy fucking aliens,

00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,365

if you guys win, we're going to be

drowning in Hawaiian pussy.

00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,200

Do this for me.

00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:39,121

Oh, no! Oh, man! There are so many people

here, we're gonna get caught for sure.

00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,039

Okay, look,

I'll dial back the cheater device.

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,958

That was we can compete, but still lose.

00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,169

Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach

while Cook gets his rocks off.

00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,254

Okay.

00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,839

On your marks,

00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,007

get set...

00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,723

Holy fuck, yes!

00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:02,186

Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch,

we went even faster that time.

00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,645

Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way.

00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,480

Maybe nobody noticed.

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,900

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice you two.

00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,152

Oh, God, we're so sorry!

00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,906

A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt

made us do it.

00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,408

We don't even like going fast.

00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,702

Stacy Grabowski.

This is my partner, Flart.

00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,038

We're with

the Federal Student Athlete Police.

00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,415

There's something suspicious

going on here.

00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,583

Uh, what do you mean?

00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,920

It's suspicious that you two

aren't running in the Olympics.

00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,171

You're so fast.

00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,965

Holy shit. I saw that coming

a mile away. Get it?

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,801

We're here scouting

for the US Teen Olympic track team,

00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,428

and we need you on our roster.

00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:38,222

The race is this Sunday in Moscow.

00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,433

Now we'll finally be able to beat

those no-good cheating Russians

00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:45,229

with the most morally sound pair

of supersonic American children.

00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,899

- Russki-pusski, here we come-ski!

- Yeah.

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,778

We're doing a blood pact.

00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,321

Hurry, before I get dizzy.

00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:59,034

Shit. Sorry. I forgot how much my blood

loves the taste of human blood.

00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,537

Classic Vegas moment.

00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,871

Jen,

00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,873

get that tight rat ass back here, girl.

00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,291

Ooh, that's right.

00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,294

It's the entire series of Terriers

on Blu-ray.

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,421

Rats love Terriers, don't you?

00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,842

There you go. Good girl.

They should have never canceled it.

00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,260

What the fuck were they thinking?

00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,721

No, damn it! Which one is Jen?

They all have great asses.

00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:22,432

Goddamn it! Okay, Terry, buckle down.

This is your moment to shine.

00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,810

I will not rest until... Oh, ice cream!

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356

Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible"

before proving the exact opposite.

00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,192

You put in six bullets! Don't you know

how to play Russian roulette?

00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,736

No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out

as we went along.

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,697

And now I know. Less bullets. Got it.

00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,407

Don't worry, I can fix this.

00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,493

Whoa! I don't want to

go into too much detail here,

00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,954

but it turns out only some dogs

go to heaven.

00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,998

The other dogs are racist. White dogs.

00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,586

Come on, come on.

00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,174

Why didn't I just do two trips?

00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,676

Hopefully none of those were Jen.

00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:01,180

Aisha, I need a machine

that puts wedding dresses on rats.

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,390

Ooh, that's Machine 25.

00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,688

Come on, where are you, you basic bride?

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,191

Probably buying a rug at Cost

Plus World Market.

00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,321

What a night of distracting activities.

00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,824

I haven't had to bury a body

in the desert in quite some time.

00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,869

Thank you for tonight.

I know you put a lot of thought into it.

00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,662

Anything for you, Red Goobler.

00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,498

Hey, would it be crazy

if I changed my name to Chris?

00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,627

It's a strong, beautiful name.

It suits you, Chris.

00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,587

Here, let me see your hand.

00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,589

Oh, your hands are so warm.

00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,965

Look at your stress line.

00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,927

It begins in your palm,

travels all the way to your heart.

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,304

Mmm... That feels good.

00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,392

Are we doing this?

00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,103

Hey. Hey.

00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,689

Dude, buddy, come on, wake up.

I need my stuff.

00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,359

How is he sleeping

through that alarm? It's, like, blaring.

00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:03,075

I told you you'd get fucked.

00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,410

I didn't know it was foreshadowing.

00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,832

Oh, God. I just cheated on Jen.

But I don't regret it.

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,711

- Does that mean we shouldn't get married?

- No. You still need to get married. To me.

00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,296

We're Runaway Bride-ing this shit.

00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,763

This is it. We're done.

00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,391

Someone's gonna find out we're big

cheaters and then they're gonna kill us,

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,811

- just like they did with Lance Armstrong.

- He wasn't killed. They just took one nut.

00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,438

I don't have any nuts.

What are they going to take?

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,858

Maybe this isn't as big of a deal

as it feels.

00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,860

Nobody pays attention

to the Teen Olympics.

00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,778

I haven't even heard of it before.

00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,030

Michelle Obama!

00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,699

Jesse, Yumy.

00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,243

My two American superstars.

00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,036

Um, hi, What's up, Mo?

00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,455

Ever since I became president

in this timeline,

00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,541

I've been looking for heroes.

00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,460

You two are the image

of honesty and integrity,

00:13:55,544 --> 00:14:00,299

which is why I bet the entire

US Treasury on you to win today.

00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,717

- Oh, man. That's legal?

- Hell, yeah.

00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,179

Bush was riding high after 9/11,

and he lost it all on Wrestlemania.

00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:09,308

So, the entire fate of the country

relies on us winning honestly?

00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,977

Yes, and if you lose,

we'll have to close America,

00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,730

and everyone in the world

will know it's your fault.

00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,318

- I'll admit, this has gone way too far.

- You think?

00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,195

Let's say we didn't eat enough McDonald's,

00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363

so now we have explosive diarrhea

and can't run.

00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,240

No, enough is enough.

00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,784

We can't just keep cheating

and hoping nobody kills us.

00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:28,952

This is done.

00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,914

You're so right. It's time for us

to stand up and come clean.

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,334

This charade ends now.

Because what good is the fame,

00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,002

the money, the sex,

00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,214

the American Express commercials

with Tina Fey and Michael Che?

00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:45,260

You've won the hearts of millions

with your speed,

00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,346

but mostly with your integrity.

00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,472

- You betcha.

- Thank you.

00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:52,809

All of us in the country have chipped in

to get you a little present.

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,062

Ten million dollars!

00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:59,775

A million for each second you took

to run the mile today. Whew! So fast!

00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:06,740

We should have done this sooner. I've been

searching for a life mate for years,

00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,244

- not knowing one was inside me all along.

- I'm yours forever, Korvi.

00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,287

Quick, love,

Apple Maps the nearest chapel.

00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,249

There's a fast, casual Mormon castle

two miles away.

00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,502

Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast

together as a couple while we drive.

00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:22,714

Today, we'll be talking about

the sound of brass. Brass tones...

00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:26,176

- Can we listen to something else?

- Come on, give it a chance.

00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,470

If this is going to work,

we need to be honest with each other,

00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:30,848

I honestly hate everything

about this podcast.

00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,349

Fine, my sweet.

00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,976

What do you want to listen to?

00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,522

See, Ayahuasca might actually be

the tree of life we've been searching for.

00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,774

The healing properties are astronomical.

00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:43,151

Free guns don't come free.

You have to lick feet.

00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,736

This guy sucks. I don't like this.

00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,573

What? Joe Roegan is our generation's

Maya Angelou.

00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,617

Our generation already has a Maya Angelou.

It's Mark Cuban.

00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,369

- Hey, hon?

- Yes, darling?

00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,497

I love you, but you sound like an asshole

when you say stuff like that.

00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,291

How can I sound like an asshole

when I don't even have one?

00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,960

Also, what were you fucking me in earlier

in that one scene?

00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,045

Damn it, I'm Gooblering.

See what you made me do?

00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,673

Well, you liked what I made you do

last night, slut.

00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,510

This isn't going to work, is it, Chris?

00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:09,845

I'm afraid it isn't.

00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:11,471

What have I done?

00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:13,682

I can't believe I ruined

what I had with Jen.

00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,059

I'm an idiot. I always do this.

00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,937

Maybe it's not too late.

Maybe we can get you back for the wedding.

00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,814

- We don't have time.

- We have plenty of...

00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,650

Shit, we gotta hurry. I forgot

time always moves forward on this planet.

00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,281

- You're such a bad driver.

- I fucking hate you.

00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,241

Uh, tell me about yourself.

00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:36,163

Wait! Jen? Damn it, you're a rat.

00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,249

Fuck it. I just have to make you awesome.

00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,376

Red Goobler won't even

notice the difference.

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,255

- Eree, eree.

- Squea, squea.

00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,549

That's it. You guys sound cool as hell.

00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:52,471

I just wanna say again, congrats

on winning everything one could win,

00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,097

and doing it without cheating.

00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,684

I can't take it anymore.

When are we going to learn a lesson?

00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:00,729

Usually getting away with things

makes me feel good, but this blows!

00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,273

Getting into USC as a long snapper

was the last straw!

00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,652

Usually at this point in our adventures,

we've learned a lesson.

00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:08,445

I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.

00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,989

Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh, God!

I'm sweating and freezing.

00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,366

We're in lesson withdrawal.

00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:15,160

We're gonna keep feeling this way

unless we learn some lesson.

00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,620

What? How? What can we do?

00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,247

Wait! This whole time,

we've been cheating.

00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:20,874

But what if we cheated

even more than ever before

00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,877

and use another sci-fi device

to double down on cheating?

00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,504

Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?

00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,756

Well, we do have that Lessonalyzer Helmet,

00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,217

but, I mean, we don't want to use that,

do we?

00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,138

Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?

00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,182

Oh, yeah. It feels amazing.

00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,852

I learned "don't count your chickens

before they hatch."

00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,645

Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,981

Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,650

- What did you get?

-"Beer before liquor, never sicker."

00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734

Oh, that's a good one.

00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,611

- You want another hit?

- Fuck, yeah.

00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:53,031

I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women

to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!

00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,492

That's the most Solar Opposites thing

I've ever heard.

00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,618

Oh, yeah.

00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,204

"The thicker the cushion,

the sweeter the pushing."

00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,957

I got to remember that

when I'm at the couch store.

00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:09,381

We must never speak about

what happened in that hotel room.

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,342

- I'm talking about the fucking.

- No shit, you idiot.

00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,845

Why would you bring that up right now?

I'm about to get married.

00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,431

Sorry. I just hope that you and Jen

stay happily married,

00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,308

keeping us safe from your repressed rage.

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,821

Multiple brides?

Are we doing a YouTube thing?

00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,407

Jen! Which one's Jen?

00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,659

Oh, man. If you don't know,

then I definitely don't.

00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,744

She's not here!

00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,370

Who the hell are these brides?

00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:42,164

Terry, what the hell? You didn't find her?

00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,373

What do you mean, find her?

00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,000

What the fuck is going on?

00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,168

Oh, wow. Where to begin?

00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,337

- I turned that bitch into a rat.

- What?

00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,048

Ass, grass or gas? Nobody rides for free.

00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,967

Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags.

You've ruined my life.

00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,469

You know what? Screw you, Red Chris.

00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,429

You pillow-talk told me

you didn't really love Jen.

00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,680

Yeah! This wasn't our fault.

00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,682

Wait. Pillow talk? Did you two doink?

00:19:00,766 --> 00:19:02,935

Nothing. Forget it.

We banged. Shut up about it.

00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,187

The best way to cope with stress

00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,563

is to confront it.

00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:12,402

Only then can you truly be happy,

or at least satisfied a little bit.

00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,738

She's right.

You were my stress, Red Goobler.

00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,033

I should have never gotten caught up

trying to manage you or work with you.

00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,953

I have to set boundaries,

by lasering your ass.

00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,042

Get fucked!

00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,628

God damn it.

Now we're back where we started.

00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,923

But we all learned a valuable lesson.

At least you did, about stress.

00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,801

And I guess the replicants did about

cheating. I didn't learn anything at all.

00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:39,680

Give Terry the Lesson Helmet, so he can

learn a lesson like the rest of us.

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,934

Whoa, I just learned that sometimes

emotional stories

00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,686

don't fit into a rigid structure,

00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,980

and you just have to embrace the chaos

and not worry about it.

00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,439

As a family.

00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,716

If you feel like

you haven't learned a lesson,

00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:20,387

please visit

www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.

00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,140

You get the first lesson for free,

but it's on the honor system after that,

00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,516

so you have to send us money.

00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,727

And if you agree to send the money,

then you've learned a lesson.

00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,771

And if you don't, you're a dick

that steals from cartoons.

00:00:11,889 --> 00:00:15,309

НАДПИСЬ НА ФУТБОЛКЕ:

ПОСИГНАЛЬ, ЕСЛИ БЕЛОЖОПЫЙ

00:03:03,348 --> 00:03:05,898

НОРМАТИВЫ ПО АТЛЕТИКЕ

И ДИАРЕЕ ОТ СТРЕССА

00:07:02,738 --> 00:07:03,898

ИЗЛУЧАТЕЛЬ КРЫСОТЫ

00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:40,058

ПРЕОБРАЖАТЕЛЬ КРАСОТЫ

ПРЕОБРАЖАТЕЛЬ КРЫСОТЫ

00:08:15,827 --> 00:08:17,477

ДОБРО ПОЖАЛОВАТЬ

В ЛАС-ВЕГАС

00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:19,317

«ЗВЁЗДНАЯ ПЫЛЬ»

«ФЛАМИНГО»

00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,577

РЕГИОНАЛЬНЫЕ СОРЕВНОВАНИЯ

00:09:57,827 --> 00:09:59,347

1-Е МЕСТО: ДЖЕССИ И ЯМЮЛЯК

00:13:21,387 --> 00:13:23,257

ОЛИМПИЙСКИЕ ИГРЫ. СЕГОДНЯ!

ЗАВТРА — НИЧЕГО

00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:59,777

ДЖЕССИ И ЯМЮЛЯК

10 МИЛЛИОНОВ ДОЛЛАРОВ

00:19:53,576 --> 00:19:56,496

Я стала счастливее,

когда превратилась в крысу.

00:19:56,746 --> 00:19:58,866

Чуть не вышла за красную соплю.

00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,186

Но вот она я, в канализации,

00:20:00,226 --> 00:20:02,146

с кучей съедобного дерьма,

00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:05,166

и с тобой, Деннис.

Самым красивым крысёнышем в городе.

00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:06,946

Пи-Пи-Пи-Пи-Пи.

00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,086

Повезло, что ты хорош в сексе,

00:20:09,096 --> 00:20:10,396

иначе бы у нас не срослось.