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Удивительный потрясающий луч
The Rad Awesome Terrific Ray
Сезон: 02Серия: 05
Описание
В торговом центре Корво встречает своего красного гублера, который теперь успокоился, нашёл себе девушку и собрался жениться. Корво считает, что эта девушка слишком обычная и быстро надоест гублеру, который снова станет злым. Он хочет сделать её крутой при помощи специального луча, но Терри случайно превращает её в крысу, которая сбегает. Пока Терри её разыскивает, Корво вывозит гублера в Вегас на мальчишник, где у них происходит интимная связь. Репликанты тем временем жульничают на физкультуре со временем.
Субтитры
- 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,928 Hey, do you have anything that screams, "This guy watches golf"?
- 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,515 Oh, yeah. This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
- 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,018 It's the model he wore to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.
- 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,521 Mmm... I love it how you can wear it one way and look like a newsboy
- 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,648 and another way and look like a bad boy.
- 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,483 - We patented that. - Could we hurry this up?
- 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,693 Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies
- 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,112 and a locker full of ladies' feet. I want to see that stuff.
- 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,907 Damn, Terry, looking smooth as eggs.
- 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,327 (GASPS)
- 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,120 Red Goobler, got a gun!
- 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,373 What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!
- 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,542 Red Goobler? Wait a hot fucking second.
- 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,002 I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year.
- 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,129 After he hunted us in the Halloween store. Remember that whole thing?
- 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,840 Yeah, I lied about killing him.
- 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,883 He got away, and I kinda just thought maybe he'd disappear
- 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,718 like that eye that used to be on my back.
- 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,304 Damn it, Terry, that eye is still there, and so is the Red Goobler.
- 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,806 Wait, what the fuck? Why's he so big?
- 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,975 Last time we saw him he was the size of a softball.
- 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,226 Or like a fat baseball.
- 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,645 I don't know, Terry. He probably grows when I'm stressed out.
- 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,897 Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.
- 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,607 Sorry for trying to be consistent.
- 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,653 Wait, wait, wait!
- 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,655 I'm not trying to kill you any more, I swear!
- 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,949 Oh, please! Then what's with that sweet-ass laser gun?
- 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,576 It's just a barcode scanner.
- 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,661 I'm registering for my wedding.
- 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,416 This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him! Shoot him!
- 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,625 Baby, what's going on?
- 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,294 (GROANS) This is my nightmare!
- 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,129 Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
- 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,715 So, yeah, Korvo birthed me from his stress,
- 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:32,676 and I used to yell, "Get fucked," and try to kill him.
- 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,053 I was a terrible, unhappy person.
- 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597 And, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
- 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,057 You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.
- 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,018 You're right. I don't deserve forgiveness.
- 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,770 I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.
- 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,439 You aren't that guy anymore, Red.
- 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,441 If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.
- 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,234 Jen pulled me out of a dark place.
- 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,778 Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,
- 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,989 wake up every day and make her bread.
- 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,617 With this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
- 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,747 Okay, well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.
- 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,124 Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:08,212 Hey, I've been dreading this for a while, but it was honestly nice running into you.
- 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,963 - You too. - Stay cool, brother.
- 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,091 I didn't buy any of that for a second.
- 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,718 - Did you? - Oh, I totally bought it,
- 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,095 but my self-esteem is so low that I'll go along with whatever you feel.
- 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,931 - He's a liar and he sucks. - I know, right?
- 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,265 Fuck that little asshole.
- 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,059 I love when you don't have any convictions.
- 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,310 Then I do too.
- 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,273 KORVO: <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.</i>
- 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,193 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants</i>
- 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,737 <i>were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,</i>
- 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,615 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
- 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,993 <i>We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
- 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,828 <i>That's right. I've been talking this whole time.</i>
- 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,664 <i>I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.</i>
- 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,499 <i>This is... This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
- 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251 <i>Do you see me?</i> (STUTTERS) <i>This is ridiculous.</i>
- 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:50,212 <i>I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid.</i>
- 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,672 <i>They're always arguing about politics.</i>
- 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,590 <i>Everyone is so busy arguing about politics.</i>
- 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,926 <i>But no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.</i>
- 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,386 <i>Why aren't they talking about that?</i>
- 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,309 (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,144 YUMYULACK: What is with humans' obsession with fitness?
- 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,438 Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?
- 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,148 Oh, jeez. We're running the mile today?
- 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:13,318 I wore my fuck-me pumps. I can't run in them. They're rentals.
- 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,444 I suck at it too.
- 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,406 My legs were made for operating the left-right orientation pedals
- 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,200 in a hunt-or-kill startripper, not running in a circle.
- 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,202 Meh. Let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.
- 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496 Don't you remember what happened last year?
- 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,789 I'm gonna puke.
- 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,124 A 15-minute mile?
- 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,835 I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.
- 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,213 Our math and science budget is based on how fast you little shits can move.
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,132 -(BLOWS WHISTLE) - Everybody is running again.
- 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,800 And if you don't like doing it,
- 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,554 you can thank Mr. and Mrs. <i>Kingdom of the Crystal fucking Skull</i> over here.
- 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,014 (BOTH GRUNTING)
- 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,392 My noogie rash just cleared up.
- 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,519 That's it. We are not doing this again.
- 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,939 Access cheating devices.
- 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,359 Ooh, I didn't know you had a Pocket Dimension.
- 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,778 - Pretty sweet, right? - Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
- 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,906 You don't get to choose the color!
- 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,991 Wait, you're gonna use the Time Cheater Helmet?
- 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,492 - Isn't that cheating? - Oh, yeah.
- 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,952 It's as cheating as you can get.
- 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,664 But all the afterschool programs I watch say cheating never works!
- 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,000 Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hmm?
- 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,377 Or do you want to be cheaters for one quick second?
- 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,549 Well, all right, but just this once. We got to be careful too,
- 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:21,094 'cause, according to <i>VeggieTales,</i> cheating will make you a gay potato.
- 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,096 That's a chance I'm willing to take.
- 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:24,932 (SIGHS)
- 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,017 What's with the helmets and backpacks?
- 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,228 Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it
- 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,897 because they power our gender identity or whatever.
- 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,192 Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year
- 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,486 or I will fucking kill you.
- 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:47,746 (BOTH PANTING)
- 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:51,708 You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?
- 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,169 That was fast, right? So we can stop doing the stupid test?
- 00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,462 No, of course you can't.
- 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:59,174 - Because you two are, obviously che... - Oh, no. Here it comes. I knew it.
- 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,884 The best runners we've ever had!
- 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,221 These beautiful aliens are going to regionals.
- 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,347 -(ALL CHEERING) - Regionals? Oh, no.
- 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,808 Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head?
- 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,309 Oh, yeah, we definitely are.
- 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,187 American Airlines, one ticket to regionals in Hawaii, please.
- 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,273 - WOMAN: <i>Are you okay with coach?</i> - Am I okay with what?
- 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,733 - WOMAN: <i>Coach?</i> - Yes, I am the coach and the principal.
- 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,985 WOMAN: <i>No, I mean economy.</i>
- 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,403 We all know the economy is great,
- 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,363 but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket.
- 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,739 WOMAN: <i>Let's start over. Non-stop?</i>
- 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,241 Wow. Okay. (INHALES DEEPLY)
- 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,118 One-ticket-to-regionals- on-your-finest-seat-please-
- 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,412 I'd-like-to-pay-with-a-credit-card- ending-in-7624.
- 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,206 WOMAN: <i>I'm just gonna put you in first class and end this conversation.</i>
- 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,458 Works every time.
- 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,461 That swole tomato is up to something.
- 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,964 I can feel it in my mound. We need to be ready for an attack.
- 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,799 I'm gonna take half my suicide pills now
- 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,260 and save the other half for when he tortures us.
- 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,386 -(GULPS) -(DOORBELL RINGS)
- 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,097 If you're a Girl Scout, say it now, and I will still shoot you.
- 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348 - It's Jen. - Please don't kill us.
- 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601 Not even. Sorry for dropping by unannounced.
- 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,895 I just need to ask you guys for a favor.
- 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,230 Let me guess. You want us to shoot ourselves through our throats?
- 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,315 Well, fat chance.
- 00:05:56,523 --> 00:06:00,068 Uh, no. I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding.
- 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,612 It's a trap, Terry! Run!
- 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,655 No! Stop! Goobie doesn't know I'm here.
- 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741 You guys are the closest thing he has to family.
- 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,952 If you came to our wedding, it might let him finally make peace with his past.
- 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,539 Attend a Red Goobler wedding? (SCOFFS) No fucking way.
- 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,292 Listen, as long as that Goobler's got something else in his life,
- 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,544 he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth.
- 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,088 You might have a point. Your annual one good idea.
- 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,590 Nuh-uh! I had a good idea last week.
- 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,884 Remember? I raised money for a frat by selling pies,
- 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,845 but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture of the Alpha Betas' girlfriends?
- 00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:29,556 That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing, remember?
- 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,183 I will attend your ceremony
- 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:34,228 to trick the Red Goobler into being happy so he won't hurt me anymore.
- 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,939 Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding?
- 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,273 My mom's gonna be there...
- 00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,650 Shut up! There's only one problem.
- 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,818 You're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
- 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,321 And if you break up, he'll become more dangerous than ever before.
- 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,324 I'm engaged to a Goobler. I'm as not-basic as they come.
- 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,034 Your name is Jen. You're very forgettable.
- 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,161 Where do you shop? TJ Minimum?
- 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,205 Sure, he loves you now, but once he's sick of you,
- 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,165 like we already are, it's back to hunting me.
- 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,459 I'm starting to understand why Red hates you.
- 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,002 - What the hell? - Quick, Terry,
- 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,213 - go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray. - On it!
- 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,760 Terry, help! This Lululemon basic ho
- 00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,971 is kicking my ass in the most boring way possible.
- 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,722 Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.
- 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,849 - What the hell is that? - Hold still.
- 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,851 This ray's gonna make you terrific. And some other stuff.
- 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,061 Don't you dare shoot me with that. I'll sue you.
- 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,980 She's getting basicer by the second.
- 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:24,403 (SQUEAKING)
- 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,072 Give me that! You used the wrong ray.
- 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,867 This is the Rat Ray. We needed the R-A-T ray.
- 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,869 It's right there, you idiot!
- 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,620 - Can't you read? - Of course I can.
- 00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,788 NARRATOR: <i>He can't.</i>
- 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,541 Why would you put them in order of first letter?
- 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,750 It's alphabetical, Terry.
- 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,460 Oh, my God, what does that mean? Ah!
- 00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,712 Shit. Grab her! Grab her!
- 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,256 Oh, my God, Terry. If we don't get her back in time for the wedding,
- 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,841 the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure.
- 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,218 Fuck! Okay, I'll find her and de-rat her
- 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,138 while you keep the Red Goobler distracted. Come out, Jen!
- 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,558 We can go to a coffee shop that has a painting of wings on a wall.
- 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,020 You can pose in front of it. So fun. Get the fuck out here!
- 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,479 (JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)
- 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814 Ice cream break.
- 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,649 (SQUEAKING)
- 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,611 I want a Sonic pop, but not the new design Twitter bullied them into,
- 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,404 the original. Oh, no, that's too complicated.
- 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,615 Give me a Ninja Turtle pop from the second or the first movies,
- 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,534 but not from the cartoon. Oh, fuck! Rat Jen, no!
- 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,785 Ring me up! Come on! Let's go!
- 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,078 Go, Ninja! Go, Ninja, go!
- 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,964 -(SLOT MACHINES CHIMING) -(COINS JINGLING)
- 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,718 - Welcome to your bachelor party. - Red already had one of these a month ago.
- 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,553 We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.
- 00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,305 God damn it, Tanner, you're always undercutting me.
- 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,389 Who are you?
- 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,934 I'm the guy who dropped <i>mucho</i> shekels on a penthouse suite,
- 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,062 and not to distract you from anything. Only because I love hospitality.
- 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,022 That's amazing, Korvo. Thank you.
- 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,607 This is a dream come true.
- 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,442 Ever since I saw <i>Wedding Crashers,</i>
- 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,111 I've wanted to have a <i>Hangover</i>-themed bachelor party.
- 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,613 It's your big night, baby.
- 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,241 -(BABY CRYING) - <i>Hangover</i> stuff!
- 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,367 -(TIGER GROWLS) -(TANNER SCREAMS)
- 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,328 This is the last night before Red Goobler sells his land to Jen's family
- 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,163 in exchange for her dusty womb.
- 00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,165 - Let's make it one to remember. - Hell yeah!
- 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,376 Let me just check in with Jen, then we can hit...
- 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,795 (CHEWING AND GULPING) No phones, bro.
- 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,171 Bachelor party rules.
- 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,048 Let's hit the Strip.
- 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,134 Indiana Jones passage-of-time style. Cocaine for everyone!
- 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,344 (TRILLING)
- 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,428 (ALL SNORTING)
- 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:28,652 Wow. Regionals is everything I thought it would be.
- 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,195 All right, you filthy fucking aliens,
- 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,365 if you guys win, we're going to be drowning in Hawaiian pussy.
- 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,200 Do this for me.
- 00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:39,121 Oh, no! Oh, man! There are so many people here, we're gonna get caught for sure.
- 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,039 Okay, look, I'll dial back the cheater device.
- 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,958 That was we can compete, but still lose.
- 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,169 Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach while Cook gets his rocks off.
- 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,254 Okay.
- 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,839 ANNOUNCER: <i>On your marks,</i>
- 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,007 <i>get set...</i>
- 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,723 - Holy fuck, yes! -(ALL CHEERING)
- 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:02,186 Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch, we went even faster that time.
- 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,645 Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way.
- 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,480 - Maybe nobody noticed. -(CLEARING THROAT)
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,900 Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you two.
- 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,152 Oh, God, we're so sorry!
- 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,906 A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it.
- 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,408 We don't even like going fast.
- 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,702 Stacy Grabowski. This is my partner, Flart.
- 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,038 We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police.
- 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,415 There's something suspicious going on here.
- 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,583 Uh, what do you mean?
- 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,920 It's suspicious that you two aren't running in the Olympics.
- 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,171 You're so fast.
- 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,965 Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it?
- 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,801 We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team,
- 00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,428 and we need you on our roster.
- 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:38,222 The race is this Sunday in Moscow.
- 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,433 Now we'll finally be able to beat those no-good cheating Russians
- 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:45,229 with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children.
- 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,899 - Russki-pusski, here we come-ski! - Yeah.
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,778 We're doing a blood pact.
- 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,321 Hurry, before I get dizzy.
- 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:55,739 (ALL GASP)
- 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:59,034 Shit. Sorry. I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood.
- 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,537 Classic Vegas moment.
- 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,871 -(SQUEAKING) - Jen,
- 00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,873 get that tight rat ass back here, girl.
- 00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,291 Ooh, that's right.
- 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,294 It's the entire series of <i>Terriers</i> on Blu-ray.
- 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,421 Rats love <i>Terriers</i>, don't you?
- 00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,842 There you go. Good girl. They should have never canceled it.
- 00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,260 What the fuck were they thinking?
- 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,721 No, damn it! Which one is Jen? They all have great asses.
- 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:22,432 Goddamn it! Okay, Terry, buckle down. This is your moment to shine.
- 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,810 - I will not rest until... Oh, ice cream! -(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356 Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible" before proving the exact opposite.
- 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,192 You put in six bullets! Don't you know how to play Russian roulette?
- 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,736 No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along.
- 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,697 And now I know. Less bullets. Got it.
- 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,407 Don't worry, I can fix this.
- 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,493 (GASPS) Whoa! I don't want to go into too much detail here,
- 00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,954 but it turns out only some dogs go to heaven.
- 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,998 The other dogs are racist. White dogs.
- 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,586 Come on, come on.
- 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,174 (GROANS) Why didn't I just do two trips?
- 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,676 Hopefully none of those were Jen.
- 00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:01,180 Aisha, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats.
- 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,390 Ooh, that's Machine 25.
- 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,688 Come on, where are you, you basic bride?
- 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,191 Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market.
- 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:15,194 (ALL LAUGHING)
- 00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,321 What a night of distracting activities.
- 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,824 I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time.
- 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,869 Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it.
- 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,662 Anything for you, Red Goobler.
- 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,498 Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris?
- 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,627 It's a strong, beautiful name. It suits you, Chris.
- 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,587 Here, let me see your hand.
- 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,589 Oh, your hands are so warm.
- 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,965 Look at your stress line.
- 00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,927 It begins in your palm, travels all the way to your heart.
- 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,304 Mmm... That feels good.
- 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,392 Are we doing this?
- 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,103 -(RHYTHMIC NOISES) - Hey. Hey.
- 00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,689 Dude, buddy, come on, wake up. I need my stuff.
- 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,359 (GROANS) How is he sleeping through that alarm? It's, like, blaring.
- 00:12:58,403 --> 00:12:59,404 (BOTH GRUNTING)
- 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:03,075 -(BOTH MOANING) - I told you you'd get fucked.
- 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,410 I didn't know it was foreshadowing.
- 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:06,537 (BOTH LAUGHING)
- 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,832 Oh, God. I just cheated on Jen. But I don't regret it.
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,711 - Does that mean we shouldn't get married? - No. You still need to get married. To me.
- 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,296 We're <i>Runaway Bride</i>-ing this shit.
- 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:18,715 (BOTH LAUGHING)
- 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,763 (GROANS) This is it. We're done.
- 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,391 Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters and then they're gonna kill us,
- 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,811 - just like they did with Lance Armstrong. - He wasn't killed. They just took one nut.
- 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,438 I don't have any nuts. What are they going to take?
- 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,858 Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels.
- 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,860 Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics.
- 00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,778 I haven't even heard of it before.
- 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,030 Michelle Obama!
- 00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,699 Jesse, Yumy.
- 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,243 My two American superstars.
- 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,036 Um, hi, What's up, Mo?
- 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,455 Ever since I became president in this timeline,
- 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,541 I've been looking for heroes.
- 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,460 You two are the image of honesty and integrity,
- 00:13:55,544 --> 00:14:00,299 which is why I bet the entire US Treasury on you to win today.
- 00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,717 - Oh, man. That's legal? - Hell, yeah.
- 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,179 Bush was riding high after 9/11, and he lost it all on Wrestlemania.
- 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:09,308 So, the entire fate of the country relies on us winning honestly?
- 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,977 Yes, and if you lose, we'll have to close America,
- 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,730 and everyone in the world will know it's your fault.
- 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,318 - I'll admit, this has gone way too far. - You think?
- 00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,195 Let's say we didn't eat enough McDonald's,
- 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363 so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run.
- 00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,240 No, enough is enough.
- 00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,784 We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us.
- 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:28,952 This is done.
- 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,914 You're so right. It's time for us to stand up and come clean.
- 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,334 This charade ends now. Because what good is the fame,
- 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,002 the money, the sex,
- 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,214 the American Express commercials with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
- 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:45,260 You've won the hearts of millions with your speed,
- 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,346 but mostly with your integrity.
- 00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,472 - You betcha. - Thank you.
- 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:52,809 All of us in the country have chipped in to get you a little present.
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,062 Ten million dollars!
- 00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:59,775 A million for each second you took to run the mile today. Whew! So fast!
- 00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:06,740 We should have done this sooner. I've been searching for a life mate for years,
- 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,244 - not knowing one was inside me all along. - I'm yours forever, Korvi.
- 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,287 Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel.
- 00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,249 There's a fast, casual Mormon castle two miles away.
- 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,502 Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together as a couple while we drive.
- 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:22,714 MAN: <i>Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass. Brass tones...</i>
- 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:26,176 - Can we listen to something else? - Come on, give it a chance.
- 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,470 If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other,
- 00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:30,848 I honestly hate everything about this podcast.
- 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,349 Fine, my sweet.
- 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,976 What do you want to listen to?
- 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,522 ROEGAN: <i>See, Ayahuasca might actually be the tree of life we've been searching for.</i>
- 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,774 <i>The healing properties are astronomical.</i>
- 00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:43,151 <i>Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet.</i>
- 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,736 This guy sucks. I don't like this.
- 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,573 What? Joe Roegan is our generation's Maya Angelou.
- 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,617 Our generation already has a Maya Angelou. It's Mark Cuban.
- 00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,369 - Hey, hon? - Yes, darling?
- 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,497 I love you, but you sound like an asshole when you say stuff like that.
- 00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,291 How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one?
- 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,960 Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene?
- 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,045 Damn it, I'm Gooblering. See what you made me do?
- 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,673 Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut.
- 00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,510 This isn't going to work, is it, Chris?
- 00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:09,845 I'm afraid it isn't.
- 00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:11,471 What have I done?
- 00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:13,682 I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen.
- 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,059 I'm an idiot. I always do this.
- 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,937 Maybe it's not too late. Maybe we can get you back for the wedding.
- 00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,814 - We don't have time. - We have plenty of...
- 00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,650 Shit, we gotta hurry. I forgot time always moves forward on this planet.
- 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,281 - You're such a bad driver. - I fucking hate you.
- 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,241 Uh, tell me about yourself.
- 00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:32,326 (SQUEAKING)
- 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:36,163 Wait! Jen? Damn it, you're a rat.
- 00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:37,623 (SQUEAKING)
- 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,249 Fuck it. I just have to make you awesome.
- 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,376 Red Goobler won't even notice the difference.
- 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,255 - Eree, eree. - Squea, squea.
- 00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,549 That's it. You guys sound cool as hell.
- 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:52,471 I just wanna say again, congrats on winning everything one could win,
- 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,097 and doing it without cheating.
- 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,684 (GROANS) I can't take it anymore. When are we going to learn a lesson?
- 00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:00,729 Usually getting away with things makes me feel good, but this blows!
- 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,273 Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw!
- 00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,652 Usually at this point in our adventures, we've learned a lesson.
- 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:08,445 I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.
- 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,989 Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh, God! I'm sweating and freezing.
- 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,366 We're in lesson withdrawal.
- 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:15,160 We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson.
- 00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,620 What? How? What can we do?
- 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,247 Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating.
- 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:20,874 But what if we cheated even more than ever before
- 00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,877 and use another sci-fi device to double down on cheating?
- 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,504 Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?
- 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,756 Well, we do have that Lessonalyzer Helmet,
- 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,217 but, I mean, we don't want to use that, do we?
- 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,301 (THRUMMING)
- 00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:32,928 (DINGS)
- 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,138 Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?
- 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,182 Oh, yeah. It feels amazing.
- 00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,852 I learned "don't count your chickens before they hatch."
- 00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,645 Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,981 -(THRUMS AND DINGS) - Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
- 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,650 - What did you get? -"Beer before liquor, never sicker."
- 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734 Oh, that's a good one.
- 00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,611 - You want another hit? - Fuck, yeah.
- 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:53,031 I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
- 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,492 That's the most <i>Solar Opposites</i> thing I've ever heard.
- 00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,618 -(THRUMS AND DINGS) - Oh, yeah.
- 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,204 "The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushing."
- 00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,957 I got to remember that when I'm at the couch store.
- 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,208 (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
- 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:09,381 We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room.
- 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,342 - I'm talking about the fucking. - No shit, you idiot.
- 00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,845 Why would you bring that up right now? I'm about to get married.
- 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,431 Sorry. I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married,
- 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,308 keeping us safe from your repressed rage.
- 00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:28,317 (BRIDES SQUEAKING SOFTLY)
- 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,821 Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing?
- 00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,407 Jen! Which one's Jen?
- 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,659 Oh, man. If you don't know, then I definitely don't.
- 00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,744 She's not here!
- 00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,370 Who the hell are these brides?
- 00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:42,164 Terry, what the hell? You didn't find her?
- 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,373 What do you mean, find her?
- 00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,000 What the fuck is going on?
- 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,168 Oh, wow. Where to begin?
- 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,337 - I turned that bitch into a rat. - What?
- 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,048 -(DINGS) - Ass, grass or gas? Nobody rides for free.
- 00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,967 Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags. You've ruined my life.
- 00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,469 You know what? Screw you, Red Chris.
- 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,429 You pillow-talk told me you didn't really love Jen.
- 00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,680 Yeah! This wasn't our fault.
- 00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,682 Wait. Pillow talk? Did you two doink?
- 00:19:00,766 --> 00:19:02,935 Nothing. Forget it. We banged. Shut up about it.
- 00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,187 -(DINGS) - The best way to cope with stress
- 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,563 is to confront it.
- 00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:12,402 Only then can you truly be happy, or at least satisfied a little bit.
- 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,738 She's right. You were my stress, Red Goobler.
- 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,033 I should have never gotten caught up trying to manage you or work with you.
- 00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,953 I have to set boundaries, by lasering your ass.
- 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,081 (ALL SCREAMING)
- 00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,042 Get fucked!
- 00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,628 God damn it. Now we're back where we started.
- 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,923 But we all learned a valuable lesson. At least you did, about stress.
- 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,801 And I guess the replicants did about cheating. I didn't learn anything at all.
- 00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:39,680 Give Terry the Lesson Helmet, so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us.
- 00:19:39,847 --> 00:19:40,848 (THRUMS AND DINGS)
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,934 Whoa, I just learned that sometimes emotional stories
- 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,686 don't fit into a rigid structure,
- 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,980 and you just have to embrace the chaos and not worry about it.
- 00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,439 As a family.
- 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,716 If you feel like you haven't learned a lesson,
- 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:20,387 please visit www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.
- 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,140 You get the first lesson for free, but it's on the honor system after that,
- 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,516 so you have to send us money.
- 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,727 And if you agree to send the money, then you've learned a lesson.
- 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,771 And if you don't, you're a dick that steals from cartoons.
- 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,401 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- 00:00:08,127 --> 00:00:10,963 Привет. Есть что-то, кричащее: «Этот парень смотрит гольф»?
- 00:00:10,984 --> 00:00:11,872 Да.
- 00:00:11,902 --> 00:00:14,632 Это из коллекции «Сэмьюэл» Сэма Джексона для бренда Kangol.
- 00:00:14,661 --> 00:00:17,465 Копия того, в чем он был на премьере своего рекламного ролика.
- 00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:22,663 Мне нравится, что в ней можно выглядеть и как журналист, и как хулиган.
- 00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,453 — Мы это запатентовали. — Поторопись.
- 00:00:24,470 --> 00:00:26,775 В этом торговом центре есть какой-то мир детей
- 00:00:26,785 --> 00:00:29,218 и какой-то мастер спорта. Хочу на них посмотреть.
- 00:00:29,241 --> 00:00:32,227 Черт, Терри. Круче лишь варёные яйца.
- 00:00:34,273 --> 00:00:35,152 А!
- 00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:36,985 У Красного гублера пушка!
- 00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:39,506 Какого черта, Корво? Ты испортил кепку!
- 00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:40,486 Красный гублер?
- 00:00:40,511 --> 00:00:41,659 Постой секунду.
- 00:00:41,676 --> 00:00:43,612 Я думал, ты убил его в том году после того,
- 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,161 как он гнался за нами в магазине товаров для Хеллоуина.
- 00:00:46,186 --> 00:00:47,797 Да, я солгал тебе.
- 00:00:47,820 --> 00:00:49,052 Он сбежал. И я подумал,
- 00:00:49,078 --> 00:00:51,568 может, он исчез, как глаз, что был у меня на спине.
- 00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,359 Терри. Глаз еще там.
- 00:00:53,373 --> 00:00:55,853 — И Красный гублер тоже. — Постой. Почему он такой большой?
- 00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:59,118 В прошлую нашу встречу он был размером с теннисный мяч.
- 00:00:59,138 --> 00:01:01,745 Не знаю, Терри. Может, подрос, когда я нервничал.
- 00:01:01,747 --> 00:01:03,795 Или может, много ел. Хватит болтать.
- 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,761 Прости за мою последовательность.
- 00:01:08,761 --> 00:01:11,770 Стой-стой-стой! Я больше не пытаюсь тебя убить. Клянусь.
- 00:01:11,791 --> 00:01:13,983 Тогда что это за милая лазерная пушка?
- 00:01:14,018 --> 00:01:15,583 Это сканер штрих-кода.
- 00:01:15,601 --> 00:01:17,565 Я закупаюсь к свадьбе.
- 00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:21,464 Этот мерзавец не женится! Корво, убей его.
- 00:01:21,485 --> 00:01:24,121 — Стреляй-стреляй! — Губи, в чем дело?
- 00:01:24,146 --> 00:01:27,229 Это мой кошмар. Джен, познакомься с Терри и Корво.
- 00:01:27,252 --> 00:01:29,727 Да, Корво породил меня во время стресса.
- 00:01:29,742 --> 00:01:32,733 А я кричал: «Отвали!» — и пытался убить его.
- 00:01:32,748 --> 00:01:34,939 Я был ужасным и несчастным.
- 00:01:34,953 --> 00:01:36,629 И Корво, прости меня.
- 00:01:36,644 --> 00:01:39,086 Оставь свои извинения себе и утопи их в море.
- 00:01:39,087 --> 00:01:41,090 Ты прав. Я не заслуживаю прощения.
- 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,858 Я живу с чувством вины из-за того, что делал.
- 00:01:43,888 --> 00:01:45,448 Теперь ты не такой, Красный.
- 00:01:45,476 --> 00:01:47,462 Нет, и это благодаря тебе, Джен.
- 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,427 Джен вытащила меня из тьмы.
- 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:51,791 Теперь я лишь хочу жениться на этой прекрасной женщине,
- 00:01:51,806 --> 00:01:56,916 просыпаться с ней каждое утро и делать ей хлеб в этой хлебопечке.
- 00:01:57,802 --> 00:02:01,782 Ладно. Только не целься в меня лазерной пушкой.
- 00:02:01,819 --> 00:02:04,208 Я виноват. Спасибо за понимание.
- 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,337 Эй. Я этого боялся,
- 00:02:06,357 --> 00:02:08,256 но было приятно встретиться с тобой.
- 00:02:08,292 --> 00:02:09,856 — С тобой тоже. — Удачи.
- 00:02:11,558 --> 00:02:13,610 Я не поверил ни на секунду. А ты?
- 00:02:13,626 --> 00:02:15,805 Я поверил. Но у меня такая низкая самооценка,
- 00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:17,128 что соглашусь с тобой.
- 00:02:17,142 --> 00:02:18,942 — Он лжец и отстой. — Я знаю.
- 00:02:18,956 --> 00:02:20,352 К чёрту этого придурка.
- 00:02:20,386 --> 00:02:22,131 Рад, что у тебя нет своего мнения.
- 00:02:22,146 --> 00:02:23,431 Тогда я тоже.
- 00:02:24,397 --> 00:02:26,565 Планета Шлорп была идеальной утопией.
- 00:02:26,845 --> 00:02:28,409 Пока не упал астероид.
- 00:02:29,656 --> 00:02:32,096 Сто взрослых и их репликанты взяли по Пупе
- 00:02:32,097 --> 00:02:33,883 и сбежали в космос
- 00:02:33,927 --> 00:02:36,450 в поисках нового дома в незаселённых мирах.
- 00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:40,047 Мы упали на Землю и застряли на перенаселённой планете.
- 00:02:40,078 --> 00:02:41,860 Я постоянно об этом твержу.
- 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,587 Я держу Пупу. Я Корво.
- 00:02:43,614 --> 00:02:46,041 И это моё шоу. Я уронил Пупу. Видите меня?
- 00:02:46,077 --> 00:02:47,356 Это смешно.
- 00:02:47,383 --> 00:02:49,342 Ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.
- 00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,770 Люди глупые. Они постоянно спорят о политике.
- 00:02:51,775 --> 00:02:53,703 Все только о ней и говорят.
- 00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:55,949 Но никто не говорит о том, что земля — это яйцо.
- 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,410 Почему они молчат об этом?
- 00:02:57,432 --> 00:03:02,009 ОБРАТНАЯ СТОРОНА ЗЕМЛИ
- 00:03:04,372 --> 00:03:06,280 Почему люди так одержимы фитнесом?
- 00:03:06,285 --> 00:03:08,504 Ведь кардионагрузки вызывают рак.
- 00:03:08,519 --> 00:03:10,271 Мы сегодня бежим полтора километра?!
- 00:03:10,298 --> 00:03:13,295 На мне каблуки. Нельзя бежать в них. Они арендованы.
- 00:03:13,297 --> 00:03:14,393 Я тоже не хочу.
- 00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:19,013 Мои ноги созданы, чтобы поворачивать педалями звездолёта налево и направо,
- 00:03:19,038 --> 00:03:20,160 а не бегать по кругу.
- 00:03:20,182 --> 00:03:22,197 Просто пройдём. Никто не заметит.
- 00:03:22,221 --> 00:03:24,742 Забыла, что было в том году?!
- 00:03:24,743 --> 00:03:25,815 Меня сейчас вырвет.
- 00:03:25,836 --> 00:03:27,296 15 минут на полтора километра?!
- 00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:29,821 Я не дам вам испортить школьные показатели.
- 00:03:29,848 --> 00:03:33,371 Наш бюджет зависит от того, как быстро вы можете двигаться.
- 00:03:33,372 --> 00:03:35,369 Всем бежать снова!
- 00:03:35,376 --> 00:03:36,681 И если вы недовольны,
- 00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:40,584 благодарите мистера и миссис Королевство блестящих черепов!
- 00:03:43,575 --> 00:03:45,491 У меня только прошли синяки.
- 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,472 Вот именно. С нас хватит.
- 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,277 Жульнический доступ.
- 00:03:52,079 --> 00:03:54,496 Не знала, что у тебя есть карманное измерение.
- 00:03:54,521 --> 00:03:56,909 — Здорово? — Да, если бы не розовое.
- 00:03:56,913 --> 00:03:58,488 Здесь нельзя выбрать цвет!
- 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,125 Ты используешь временной шлем?
- 00:04:01,138 --> 00:04:02,166 Это же жульничество!
- 00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:03,848 Да. Так оно и есть.
- 00:04:03,866 --> 00:04:07,731 Но во всех передачах для школьников жульничество не доводит до добра.
- 00:04:07,752 --> 00:04:09,959 Хочешь, чтобы на нас злились весь год?
- 00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:12,423 Или лучше мы обманем всех за одну секунду?
- 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,304 Ладно, но только раз.
- 00:04:16,327 --> 00:04:17,746 И будь осторожен.
- 00:04:17,784 --> 00:04:19,206 Если верить веганским сказкам,
- 00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:21,312 ложь превратит тебя в голубую картошку.
- 00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:23,255 Нельзя упускать такой шанс.
- 00:04:25,086 --> 00:04:26,973 Что за шлемы и рюкзаки?
- 00:04:27,011 --> 00:04:29,148 Вы не должны задавать нам этот вопрос,
- 00:04:29,170 --> 00:04:31,950 потому что они питают нашу гендерную идентичность.
- 00:04:31,975 --> 00:04:35,239 Ладно. Вам двоим лучше поразить меня результатами, иначе
- 00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:37,829 я вас убью.
- 00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:51,685 Вы пробежали полтора километра ровно за одну минуту?
- 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,246 Быстро, да? Можно нам больше не бегать?
- 00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:57,438 Нет! Конечно, нельзя. Очевидно, вы двое жу-у-у…
- 00:04:57,469 --> 00:04:59,431 О нет, ну вот. Я так и знала.
- 00:04:59,446 --> 00:05:01,113 Лучшие бегуны, которых я видел.
- 00:05:01,142 --> 00:05:04,369 Пришельцы едут на региональные состязания!
- 00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:07,648 Региональные? О нет. Ты уверен, что мы не переусердствовали?
- 00:05:07,677 --> 00:05:09,256 О да. Определённо.
- 00:05:09,264 --> 00:05:12,350 Авиакассы? Билет на региональные состязания на Гавайях.
- 00:05:12,351 --> 00:05:13,394 Второй класс устроит?
- 00:05:13,411 --> 00:05:14,669 — Что меня устроит? — Второй класс.
- 00:05:14,691 --> 00:05:16,739 Да, я ведь школьный директор.
- 00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,061 Я имею в виду эконом.
- 00:05:18,091 --> 00:05:19,478 Экономия — это здорово,
- 00:05:19,504 --> 00:05:21,360 но не надо экономить на мне.
- 00:05:21,382 --> 00:05:22,904 Начнём сначала. Идёт?
- 00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,005 Ладно.
- 00:05:24,332 --> 00:05:26,063 Билет на региональные линии, лучшие места,
- 00:05:26,071 --> 00:05:28,462 плачу кредиткой, заканчивающейся на 7624.
- 00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:31,372 Я просто посажу вас в первый класс, и покончим с этим.
- 00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:33,379 Всегда срабатывает.
- 00:05:34,754 --> 00:05:37,789 Этот помидор-качок что-то задумал. Я чувствую это.
- 00:05:37,810 --> 00:05:39,015 Готовимся к атаке.
- 00:05:39,028 --> 00:05:40,746 Выпью половину пилюль для суицида сейчас,
- 00:05:40,756 --> 00:05:42,895 а вторую — когда он будет нас пытать.
- 00:05:44,503 --> 00:05:47,135 Если ты скаут, скажи сразу, и я застрелю тебя.
- 00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:48,486 — Это Джен. — Не убивай нас!
- 00:05:48,489 --> 00:05:50,603 И не думала. Простите, что без предупреждения.
- 00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:53,017 Я должна попросить вас об услуге.
- 00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:55,520 Угадаю. Хочешь, чтобы мы застрелили себя?
- 00:05:55,539 --> 00:05:56,465 Без шансов.
- 00:05:56,476 --> 00:06:00,345 Нет. Хотела пригласить вас на нашу свадьбу.
- 00:06:00,471 --> 00:06:01,774 Это ловушка, Терри! Беги!
- 00:06:01,775 --> 00:06:03,819 Нет, стойте. Губи не знает, что я здесь.
- 00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:05,794 У него нет никого ближе вас.
- 00:06:05,827 --> 00:06:09,064 Если вы придёте, он наконец забудет о своем прошлом.
- 00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:10,802 Прийти на свадьбу Красного гублера?
- 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,750 Ха! Ни за что.
- 00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:15,549 Слушай, раз у него появилось еще что-то в жизни,
- 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,609 он не будет пытаться выколоть тебе глаза.
- 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,064 Возможно, ты прав. Одна хорошая идея раз в год.
- 00:06:20,096 --> 00:06:22,144 На той неделе тоже была хорошая.
- 00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:23,906 Я собрал деньги для братства,
- 00:06:23,929 --> 00:06:27,049 продавая пироги в упаковке с фотками обнаженных девушек «Альфа-беты» на дне.
- 00:06:27,072 --> 00:06:29,797 Поэтому пироги раскупили. Все до одного. Помнишь?
- 00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,279 Я приду на церемонию,
- 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:32,949 чтобы он был счастлив
- 00:06:32,974 --> 00:06:34,351 и больше не навредил мне.
- 00:06:34,369 --> 00:06:37,268 Класс. Но можете не быть такими странными на свадьбе?
- 00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:39,739 — Там будет моя мама и… — Замолчи. Есть проблема.
- 00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:41,932 Ты слишком простая, чтобы удовлетворить гублера.
- 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,372 А если вы разойдётесь, он станет еще опаснее.
- 00:06:44,394 --> 00:06:47,271 Я помолвлена с гублером. Я не так проста, как кажусь.
- 00:06:47,286 --> 00:06:49,110 Тебя зовут Джен. Тебя легко забыть.
- 00:06:49,112 --> 00:06:51,307 Откуда одежда, с барахолки?
- 00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:53,167 Сейчас он тебя любит, но когда ты надоешь ему,
- 00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:55,259 как нам, он начнёт охоту на меня.
- 00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:57,362 Понимаю, почему Красный ненавидит вас.
- 00:06:57,398 --> 00:06:58,701 — В чем дело?! — Терри,
- 00:06:58,702 --> 00:07:00,360 неси отпадно-суперски-потрясающий луч!
- 00:07:00,361 --> 00:07:01,821 Бегу!
- 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:05,467 Терри, помоги!
- 00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:09,030 Эта простушка-любительница фитнеса бьёт меня самым скучным образом.
- 00:07:09,056 --> 00:07:10,704 Стреляй в неё из луча!
- 00:07:10,709 --> 00:07:11,624 Это еще что?!
- 00:07:11,625 --> 00:07:14,104 Замри. Этот луч сделает тебя потрясающей.
- 00:07:14,105 --> 00:07:16,566 Не смей стрелять в меня из него! Я тебя засужу!
- 00:07:16,579 --> 00:07:18,143 Теперь она стала еще проще.
- 00:07:24,795 --> 00:07:26,026 Дай мне.
- 00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:28,011 Ты взял не тот луч. Это крысиный луч.
- 00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:29,657 А нужен отпадный.
- 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,010 Он здесь, придурок.
- 00:07:32,011 --> 00:07:33,687 — Читать не умеешь? — Конечно, умею.
- 00:07:33,725 --> 00:07:34,875 Не умеет.
- 00:07:35,737 --> 00:07:37,562 Зачем ты расставил их по первой букве?
- 00:07:37,564 --> 00:07:40,041 — По алфавиту, Терри. — Боже. Что это значит?
- 00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:41,877 Черт! Держи её! Держи!
- 00:07:42,014 --> 00:07:44,433 Терри, если мы не вернём её к свадьбе,
- 00:07:44,459 --> 00:07:45,811 Красный гублер точно нас поймает!
- 00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:48,381 Ладно-ладно. Я найду её и сделаю декрысацию.
- 00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,963 А ты отвлеки Красного гублера.
- 00:07:50,018 --> 00:07:51,082 Выходи, Джен.
- 00:07:51,102 --> 00:07:54,541 Давай сходим в кафе, где на стене нарисованы крылья.
- 00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,920 Попозируешь на их фоне. Это весело.
- 00:07:56,956 --> 00:07:58,176 Быстро вылезай!
- 00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:01,030 Мороженое!
- 00:08:02,710 --> 00:08:03,773 Я хочу Соника.
- 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,422 Но не нового дизайна, на который вас вынудил твиттер, а первого.
- 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,570 Нет. Слишком сложно.
- 00:08:07,581 --> 00:08:09,719 Дайте черепашку-ниндзя из фильма,
- 00:08:09,735 --> 00:08:12,625 а не из мультиков. О черт! Крыса Джен! Нет!
- 00:08:12,646 --> 00:08:13,869 Быстрее! Давай!
- 00:08:13,896 --> 00:08:15,294 Вперёд, ниндзя! Вперёд ниндзя!
- 00:08:15,765 --> 00:08:17,777 ДОБРО ПОЖАЛОВАТЬ В ПОТРЯСАЮЩИЙ ЛАС-ВЕГАС, НЕВАДА
- 00:08:26,429 --> 00:08:28,278 Добро пожаловать на твой мальчишник!
- 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,695 Он уже был месяц назад.
- 00:08:29,711 --> 00:08:31,444 Мы построили приют в Никарагуа.
- 00:08:31,473 --> 00:08:33,351 Таннер, ты всегда подставляешь меня.
- 00:08:33,376 --> 00:08:34,220 А ты кто?
- 00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:36,863 Я тот, кто заплатил за этот пентхаус.
- 00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:38,452 И я ни от чего не отвлекаю тебя.
- 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,944 Я просто гостеприимный.
- 00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:42,133 Это потрясающе, Корво! Спасибо!
- 00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:43,629 Мечты сбываются.
- 00:08:43,682 --> 00:08:45,534 С тех пор, как я посмотрел «Незваных гостей»,
- 00:08:45,575 --> 00:08:48,271 я хотел вечеринку, как «Мальчишник в Вегасе».
- 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:49,907 Это твой вечер.
- 00:08:50,816 --> 00:08:52,207 Всё из фильма!
- 00:08:53,835 --> 00:08:56,139 Это последняя ночь перед тем, как гублер отдаст свою землю
- 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,285 семье Джен за её пыльное лоно.
- 00:08:58,319 --> 00:08:59,444 Пусть она запомнится!
- 00:08:59,464 --> 00:09:01,588 Да! Только спишусь с Джен,
- 00:09:01,613 --> 00:09:03,072 и можно смело…
- 00:09:03,831 --> 00:09:06,355 Никаких телефонов. Правила мальчишника.
- 00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:09,891 А теперь повлияем на ход времени в стиле Индианы Джонса.
- 00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,346 По дорожке каждому.
- 00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:28,887 Ух ты. Региональные состязания такие, как я и думал.
- 00:09:28,917 --> 00:09:30,961 Ладно, грязные пришельцы, если вы победите,
- 00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:33,480 все гавайки будут нашими.
- 00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:35,007 Сделайте это для меня.
- 00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,937 О нет. Здесь так много людей.
- 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,297 Нас точно раскроют.
- 00:09:39,314 --> 00:09:41,195 Так. Подкручу шлемы назад.
- 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,053 Мы поучаствуем, но проиграем.
- 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:44,843 Тогда мы попьём коктейли на пляже,
- 00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,084 пока Кук оттянется.
- 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,385 Ладно.
- 00:09:47,460 --> 00:09:50,129 На старт, внимание…
- 00:09:56,141 --> 00:09:57,412 Черт, да!
- 00:09:58,402 --> 00:10:00,518 30 секунд?! Ты мерзавец!
- 00:10:00,575 --> 00:10:02,182 Это еще быстрее, чем в тот раз!
- 00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:03,748 Я крутил не в ту сторону!
- 00:10:03,749 --> 00:10:05,551 Может, никто не заметил?
- 00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:08,038 Простите, я заметил, что вы двое…
- 00:10:08,039 --> 00:10:10,405 Боже. Мы сожалеем.
- 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,917 Это дело рук бездомного в свитере с надписью «Хулу».
- 00:10:13,953 --> 00:10:16,434 Мы вообще не любим скорость.
- 00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:18,817 Стэйси Грабовски. Это мой напарник Фларт.
- 00:10:18,823 --> 00:10:21,263 Мы из Федеральной студенческой атлетической полиции.
- 00:10:21,298 --> 00:10:23,603 Здесь что-то подозрительное.
- 00:10:23,645 --> 00:10:24,659 О чем вы?
- 00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:27,911 Подозрительно, что вы не бегаете на Олимпиаде.
- 00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:29,260 Вы такие быстрые.
- 00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,954 Черт. Я знала, что так и будет. Понял?
- 00:10:31,988 --> 00:10:34,863 Мы ищем таланты для подростковой олимпийской сборной США.
- 00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:36,559 Вы в списке.
- 00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:38,314 Состязание в это воскресенье в Москве.
- 00:10:38,339 --> 00:10:41,482 Наконец-то мы сможем победить этих жульничающих русских
- 00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:45,259 парой высокоморальных сверхзвуковых американских детей.
- 00:10:45,274 --> 00:10:47,909 Русские-пусские, мы идусские!
- 00:10:47,932 --> 00:10:48,963 Да!
- 00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,968 Скрепим пакт кровью.
- 00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,708 Быстрее, пока голова не закружилась.
- 00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:56,684 Простите.
- 00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:59,152 Забыл, как моя кровь любит вкус человеческой.
- 00:10:59,666 --> 00:11:01,495 Классический момент в Вегасе.
- 00:11:02,331 --> 00:11:04,931 Джен, верни сюда свой тощий зад.
- 00:11:05,246 --> 00:11:06,422 О, точно.
- 00:11:06,447 --> 00:11:09,294 Это весь сериал «Терьеры».
- 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,449 Крысы любят «Терьеров», правда?
- 00:11:11,469 --> 00:11:13,251 Вот так. Хорошая девочка.
- 00:11:13,253 --> 00:11:14,931 Не надо было снимать его с показа.
- 00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:16,385 О чем они думали?
- 00:11:16,397 --> 00:11:18,361 Черт! Кто из них Джен?
- 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,764 У них у всех одинаковые зады.
- 00:11:19,791 --> 00:11:21,573 Черт. Ладно, Терри, соберись.
- 00:11:21,594 --> 00:11:23,809 Твоя минута славы. Я не остановлюсь, пока…
- 00:11:23,831 --> 00:11:25,151 О, мороженое!
- 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,993 Странно, он кричал: «Я неуязвим»...
- 00:11:28,015 --> 00:11:29,422 А потом доказал обратное.
- 00:11:29,443 --> 00:11:30,782 Ты всадил в него шесть пуль!
- 00:11:30,802 --> 00:11:32,253 Не умеешь играть в русскую рулетку?!
- 00:11:32,272 --> 00:11:34,870 Не умею. Я думал, что научусь по ходу игры.
- 00:11:34,887 --> 00:11:36,679 И научился. Меньше пуль. Я понял.
- 00:11:36,724 --> 00:11:38,078 Не волнуйся. Я всё исправлю.
- 00:11:38,903 --> 00:11:39,979 Ух ты.
- 00:11:40,147 --> 00:11:41,586 Не хочу вдаваться в детали,
- 00:11:41,587 --> 00:11:43,953 но оказывается, лишь некоторые псы попадают в рай.
- 00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:46,274 Остальные — расисты. Белые.
- 00:11:49,403 --> 00:11:51,228 Давай-давай.
- 00:11:53,429 --> 00:11:55,003 Почему я не съездил дважды.
- 00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:57,794 Надеюсь, Джен среди них не было.
- 00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:00,918 Аиша! Машину, надевающую свадебные платья на крыс.
- 00:12:00,924 --> 00:12:03,103 О, это устройство 25.
- 00:12:07,752 --> 00:12:09,660 Давай. Где же ты, простая невеста.
- 00:12:09,731 --> 00:12:12,473 Видимо, покупает ковёр в каком-нибудь гипермаркете.
- 00:12:15,614 --> 00:12:17,451 Этот вечер прекрасно отвлекает.
- 00:12:17,465 --> 00:12:20,908 Мне уже давно не приходилось закапывать тела в пустыне.
- 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:24,021 Спасибо за вечер. Тебе пришлось включить воображение.
- 00:12:24,052 --> 00:12:25,791 Всё ради тебя, Красный гублер.
- 00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,481 Будет безумием, если я сменю имя на Криса?
- 00:12:28,526 --> 00:12:31,846 Красивое сильное имя. Тебе подходит. Крис.
- 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:33,600 Вот. Покажи твою руку.
- 00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,658 О, какие тёплые руки.
- 00:12:35,681 --> 00:12:37,068 Взгляни на линию стресса.
- 00:12:37,099 --> 00:12:40,018 Она начинается на ладони и идёт до самого сердца.
- 00:12:40,054 --> 00:12:42,393 М-м. Как приятно.
- 00:12:46,129 --> 00:12:47,745 Мы делаем это?
- 00:12:49,045 --> 00:12:51,061 Эй! Эй! Приятель,
- 00:12:51,089 --> 00:12:52,552 ну же, просыпайся. Мне нужны мои вещи!
- 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,353 Как он может не слышать этот будильник? Он же как труба!
- 00:13:01,146 --> 00:13:02,971 Я же сказал, что доберусь до тебя.
- 00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:05,213 Не знал, что это было пророчество.
- 00:13:07,605 --> 00:13:09,760 Боже, я изменил Джен.
- 00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:11,000 И не жалею об этом!
- 00:13:11,044 --> 00:13:12,554 Значит, нам не нужно жениться?
- 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,095 Нет. Тебе нужно жениться.
- 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,439 На мне! Поступим, как сбежавшая невеста.
- 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,033 ОЛИМПИЙСКИЕ ИГРЫ СЕГОДНЯ НИЧЕГО ЗАВТРА
- 00:13:23,173 --> 00:13:24,737 Вот и всё. Нам конец.
- 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,557 Кто-нибудь узнает, что мы обманщики,
- 00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:29,288 и нас убьют точно так же, как Лэнса Армстронга.
- 00:13:29,302 --> 00:13:30,901 Его не убили, а удалили часть мошонки.
- 00:13:30,922 --> 00:13:33,445 Но у нас её нет! Что же удалят нам?
- 00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,972 Может, всё не так, как мы думаем.
- 00:13:36,008 --> 00:13:37,962 Никто не смотрит Юношеские Олимпийские игры.
- 00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:39,450 Я о такой даже не слышал.
- 00:13:39,873 --> 00:13:43,622 — Мишель Обама? — Джесси, Юмми!
- 00:13:43,632 --> 00:13:46,291 Мои две американские суперзвезды!
- 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,045 Привет. Как дела, Мо?
- 00:13:48,066 --> 00:13:50,535 С тех пор, как я стала президентом в этом измерении,
- 00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:52,588 я искала героев.
- 00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:55,560 Вы двое — воплощение честности и безупречности.
- 00:13:55,593 --> 00:13:58,793 Поэтому я ставлю всю казну США
- 00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:00,281 на вашу победу сегодня.
- 00:14:00,308 --> 00:14:01,881 — Боже. Это законно? — Еще как.
- 00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:05,130 Буш поднялся после 11 сентября, но всё спустил на «Рестлманию».
- 00:14:05,171 --> 00:14:09,333 Значит, судьба всей страны зависит от нашей честной победы?
- 00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:12,016 Да. Проиграете — мы закроем Америку
- 00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:14,905 и весь мир будет знать, что это ваша вина.
- 00:14:17,109 --> 00:14:19,455 — Всё зашло слишком далеко. — «Думаешь»?!
- 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,283 Скажем, что мы ели мало фастфуда,
- 00:14:21,284 --> 00:14:23,416 теперь у нас диарея и нам нельзя бежать.
- 00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,330 Нет. Хватит — значит хватит.
- 00:14:25,343 --> 00:14:27,867 Мы не можем врать дальше и надеяться, что нас не убьют.
- 00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,807 — Довольно. — Ты права.
- 00:14:29,885 --> 00:14:32,006 Нам пора выйти и во всём сознаться.
- 00:14:32,011 --> 00:14:33,554 Покончим с этим спектаклем.
- 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:37,024 Что хорошего в славе, деньгах, сексе,
- 00:14:37,065 --> 00:14:39,974 рекламе «Американ экспресс» с Тиной Фей и Майклом Че…
- 00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:45,128 Вы завоевали сердца миллионов своей скоростью,
- 00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:47,509 но главное — своей честностью.
- 00:14:47,539 --> 00:14:48,493 — Спасибо. — Еще бы.
- 00:14:48,543 --> 00:14:50,867 Все жители страны сбросились
- 00:14:50,897 --> 00:14:53,111 на небольшой подарок вам.
- 00:14:53,173 --> 00:14:55,002 Десять миллионов долларов!
- 00:14:55,013 --> 00:14:56,532 Миллион за каждую секунду,
- 00:14:56,557 --> 00:14:58,418 за которую вы пробежали сегодня полтора километра.
- 00:14:58,794 --> 00:14:59,854 Как быстро!
- 00:15:04,013 --> 00:15:05,106 Надо было сделать это раньше.
- 00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:06,830 Я искал себе пару много лет,
- 00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:08,741 не зная, что она была во мне.
- 00:15:08,764 --> 00:15:10,188 Я твой навсегда, Корво.
- 00:15:10,222 --> 00:15:12,442 Быстрее, найди ближайшую церковь.
- 00:15:12,450 --> 00:15:15,308 В трёх километрах от нас столовка мормонской церкви.
- 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:18,598 Отлично! Послушаем подкаст вместе, пока едем.
- 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:22,319 Сегодня мы поговорим о звуке меди.
- 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,180 Тонны меди в высоких…
- 00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:24,906 Может, послушаем что-то другое?
- 00:15:24,932 --> 00:15:26,277 Брось, дай ему шанс.
- 00:15:26,306 --> 00:15:28,534 Если хотим быть вместе, мы должны быть честны.
- 00:15:28,572 --> 00:15:30,976 Я ненавижу этот подкаст.
- 00:15:30,990 --> 00:15:33,955 Ладно. Что хочешь послушать ты?
- 00:15:34,108 --> 00:15:34,984 ДЖО РОГАН
- 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,578 АйауАска, может быть, и есть то дерево жизни, которое мы ищем.
- 00:15:38,579 --> 00:15:40,964 У него невероятные целебные свойства.
- 00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:43,215 Бесплатный сыр только в мышеловке.
- 00:15:43,253 --> 00:15:44,902 Он отстой. Мне не нравится.
- 00:15:44,936 --> 00:15:47,627 Что?! Джо Роган — Майя Энджелоу нашего поколения.
- 00:15:47,658 --> 00:15:49,742 У нашего поколения есть своя Майя Энджелоу.
- 00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:50,673 Это Марк Кьюбан.
- 00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:52,287 — Знаешь что? — Да, что такое?
- 00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:55,563 Я тебя обожаю, но сейчас ты говоришь как безмозглый.
- 00:15:55,564 --> 00:15:57,472 Почему это я безмозглый? У меня есть мозг.
- 00:15:57,477 --> 00:16:00,035 Только не надо мне его сейчас выносить.
- 00:16:00,077 --> 00:16:02,067 Черт. Я гублерю. Видишь, что ты наделал?
- 00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:04,567 Прошлой ночью тебе нравилось то, что я делал.
- 00:16:06,973 --> 00:16:10,018 — Ничего не выйдет, так, Крис? — Боюсь, что так.
- 00:16:10,390 --> 00:16:13,780 Что я наделал?! Я разрушил всё, что у нас было с Джен!
- 00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:16,103 Я идиот! У меня всегда так!
- 00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:17,349 Может, еще не поздно.
- 00:16:17,391 --> 00:16:18,848 Мы успеем вернуться к свадьбе.
- 00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:20,703 — Не успеем. — У нас полно…
- 00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:23,884 Черт! Поспешим. Я забыл, что на этой планете время бежит вперёд.
- 00:16:26,848 --> 00:16:28,121 Ты ужасно водишь.
- 00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:31,255 — Ненавижу тебя. — Расскажи о себе.
- 00:16:33,144 --> 00:16:34,187 Стой. Джен?!
- 00:16:35,305 --> 00:16:36,222 Черт. Ты крыса.
- 00:16:37,921 --> 00:16:39,323 Плевать. Сделаю тебя красивой,
- 00:16:39,358 --> 00:16:41,085 Красный гублер не заметит.
- 00:16:45,429 --> 00:16:47,776 Ну вот. Приятно послушать.
- 00:16:49,403 --> 00:16:50,588 Хотел еще раз сказать.
- 00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:52,566 Поздравляю, что выиграли всё что можно
- 00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:53,914 и без обмана.
- 00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:56,340 Я больше не могу.
- 00:16:56,342 --> 00:16:57,802 Когда мы уже усвоим урок?
- 00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:00,949 Обычно, когда всё сходит с рук, я радуюсь. Но это слишком.
- 00:17:00,982 --> 00:17:03,376 Эти состязания стали последней каплей.
- 00:17:03,401 --> 00:17:06,831 Обычно на этом этапе мы усваиваем урок.
- 00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:08,535 У меня чувство, что по мне бегут муравьи.
- 00:17:08,556 --> 00:17:11,170 Холодно? Жарко? Боже, я потею и мёрзну!
- 00:17:11,199 --> 00:17:12,441 Это синдром отмены уроков.
- 00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:15,016 Так будет, пока мы не усвоим какой-нибудь урок.
- 00:17:15,029 --> 00:17:16,755 Но как? Что нам делать?
- 00:17:16,766 --> 00:17:18,330 Стой. Мы всё время обманывали.
- 00:17:18,353 --> 00:17:20,938 Но что, если мы обманем еще больше
- 00:17:20,959 --> 00:17:23,837 и используем другое устройство, чтобы усилить наш обман?!
- 00:17:23,864 --> 00:17:25,553 Что у нас есть, чтобы усвоить урок?
- 00:17:25,574 --> 00:17:27,802 У нас есть шлем-уроколайзер,
- 00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,198 но мы ведь не будем использовать его, так?
- 00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:35,215 Получилось? Ты усвоил урок?
- 00:17:35,242 --> 00:17:37,288 О да. Потрясающее чувство.
- 00:17:37,327 --> 00:17:39,654 Я усвоил: «Цыплят по осени считают».
- 00:17:39,675 --> 00:17:41,539 О! Дай-дай-дай!
- 00:17:42,689 --> 00:17:44,198 О да, как хорошо.
- 00:17:44,215 --> 00:17:46,437 — Что узнала? — Ликёр на пиво — это диво.
- 00:17:46,469 --> 00:17:47,876 О, это хорошо.
- 00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:49,754 — Повторим? — Да, еще бы.
- 00:17:49,791 --> 00:17:52,932 Помогите отвезти 20 крыс на свадьбу гублера!
- 00:17:52,951 --> 00:17:55,509 Это самое инопланетное, что я слышала.
- 00:17:55,589 --> 00:17:56,855 О да.
- 00:17:56,870 --> 00:17:59,239 Чем мягче подушка, тем слаще порнушка.
- 00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:01,578 Надо не забыть, когда буду покупать подушку.
- 00:18:06,479 --> 00:18:09,388 Навсегда забудем о том, что было в номере отеля.
- 00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:11,355 Я говорю о постели.
- 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,782 Идиот. Зачем ты заговорил об этом сейчас?
- 00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:14,958 Я же женюсь.
- 00:18:14,975 --> 00:18:17,576 Прости, надеюсь, у вас будет счастливый брак,
- 00:18:17,635 --> 00:18:19,412 и он защитит нас от твоей подавленной ярости.
- 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,857 Толпа невест? Снимаете ролик для соцсетей?
- 00:18:33,996 --> 00:18:35,297 Джен! Кто из них Джен?!
- 00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,741 Если ты не знаешь, откуда знать мне.
- 00:18:37,746 --> 00:18:40,457 Её здесь нет! Кто все эти невесты?
- 00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:42,249 Терри, в чем дело? Ты не нашёл её?
- 00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:45,075 Что значит «не нашел»?! Что происходит?
- 00:18:45,108 --> 00:18:46,323 С чего бы начать…
- 00:18:46,347 --> 00:18:47,689 Я превратил её в крысу.
- 00:18:47,707 --> 00:18:48,661 Что?!
- 00:18:48,686 --> 00:18:51,300 Знаешь пословицу «Не подмажешь — не поедешь»?
- 00:18:51,329 --> 00:18:54,102 Шлорпианские придурки! Вы разрушили мою жизнь!
- 00:18:54,122 --> 00:18:55,592 Да пошёл ты, Красный Крис!
- 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:57,517 В постели я понял, что ты не любишь Джен.
- 00:18:57,531 --> 00:18:59,877 Да, это не наше… Стой. В постели?
- 00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,627 — Вы с ним спали? — Никогда. Забудь.
- 00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:03,321 Мы спали. Молчи об этом.
- 00:19:03,361 --> 00:19:06,582 Лучший способ справиться со стрессом — противостоять ему.
- 00:19:06,602 --> 00:19:09,957 Только тогда можно стать по-настоящему счастливым.
- 00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:12,419 Или хотя бы удовлетворённым.
- 00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,638 Она права. Ты — мой стресс, Красный гублер.
- 00:19:14,665 --> 00:19:18,041 Мне не надо было пытаться поладить и подружиться с тобой.
- 00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:19,617 Надо было провести черту...
- 00:19:19,656 --> 00:19:21,001 Лазерной пушкой!
- 00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,412 Отвали!
- 00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:29,708 Ну вот. Теперь всё сначала.
- 00:19:29,738 --> 00:19:31,451 Но мы вынесли ценный урок.
- 00:19:31,495 --> 00:19:33,012 По крайней мере, ты — про стресс,
- 00:19:33,013 --> 00:19:34,675 а репликанты — про враньё.
- 00:19:34,689 --> 00:19:37,127 — А я ничему не научился. — Дай Терри шлем,
- 00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:38,991 чтобы он усвоил урок, как и все мы.
- 00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:42,991 О, я узнал, что иногда
- 00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,502 эмоциональные проблемы не вписываются в жёсткие рамки.
- 00:19:45,529 --> 00:19:47,800 И надо просто принять хаос и не переживать.
- 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,579 Мы семья.
- 00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:56,552 Мне гораздо лучше быть крысой.
- 00:19:56,757 --> 00:19:58,816 Я чуть не вышла за красную козявку.
- 00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,427 Но теперь я здесь, в огромной трубе,
- 00:20:00,478 --> 00:20:02,115 могу, сколько захочу, есть испражнения.
- 00:20:02,254 --> 00:20:05,323 И я рада быть с тобой, Деннис, с самой накачанной крысой в городе.
- 00:20:07,483 --> 00:20:09,096 Тебе повезло, что ты так хорош в крысином сексе,
- 00:20:09,130 --> 00:20:10,747 иначе у нас ничего не вышло бы.
- 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,319 Если вы чувствуете, что не усвоили урок, посетите страницу
- 00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:23,200 Первый урок бесплатно. Но мы полагаемся на вашу честность.
- 00:20:23,226 --> 00:20:24,623 Вы должны прислать деньги.
- 00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:26,844 Если вы согласны, значит, вы усвоили урок.
- 00:20:26,873 --> 00:20:29,611 Если нет — вы мерзавцы, обкрадывающие мультики.
- 00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:10,950 Эй, а у тебя есть что-нибудь, что прямо кричит: "Этот парень смотрит гольф"?
- 00:00:10,950 --> 00:00:11,570 О да.
- 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,580 Вот эта от Сэмюэля, созданная Сэмом Джексоном для фирмы Kangol.
- 00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:15,990 Это именно та модель, которую он носил
- 00:00:15,990 --> 00:00:17,500 на премьере рекламы Capital One.
- 00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,660 Мне нравится, что её можно носить одной стороной
- 00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:22,670 и выглядеть, как газетчик, а другая сторона - и ты плохиш.
- 00:00:22,670 --> 00:00:24,420 - Мы запатентовали это. - Можно побыстрее?
- 00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:26,670 Похоже, в этом ТЦ есть какая-то комната с кучей детей,
- 00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:28,170 а ещё шкафчик с кучей женских ног.
- 00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:29,130 Я хочу посмотреть на это все.
- 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:32,010 Черт, Терри. Да ты крут.
- 00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:37,020 У Красного Мисистика пистолет!
- 00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:39,390 Что за черт, Корво? Ты смял мою шапку!
- 00:00:39,390 --> 00:00:40,440 Красный Мисистик?
- 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,690 Подождите-ка нахрен.
- 00:00:41,690 --> 00:00:43,610 Я думал, что ты в прошлом году убил Красного Мисистика?
- 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,150 После того, как он преследовал нас в том магазине?
- 00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:47,690 - П-помнишь все это? - Да, я соврал, что убил его.
- 00:00:47,690 --> 00:00:49,030 Он сбежал, и я думал,
- 00:00:49,030 --> 00:00:51,530 что он просто исчезнет, как тот глаз, который рос у меня на спине.
- 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,200 Черт, Терри! Глаз все ещё на месте!
- 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,410 Как и Красный Мисистик!
- 00:00:54,410 --> 00:00:55,830 Стоп, что за черт? Почему он такой громадный?
- 00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,990 Раньше он был размером с мячом для софтбола.
- 00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:59,160 Или как толстый мяч для бейсбола.
- 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,660 Не знаю, Терри, наверное, он рос, когда я волновался.
- 00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:03,750 Или он много ел. Хватит придираться.
- 00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,630 Ну извини, что пытаюсь быть логичным.
- 00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:11,670 Подожди, подожди, подожди! Клянусь, я больше не пытаюсь убить тебя!
- 00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,970 Ну да, а что это за лазерная пушка у тебя в руках?
- 00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,680 Это сканер кодов.
- 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,680 Я выбираю вещи для своей свадьбы.
- 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:21,480 У этого ублюдка нет никакой свадьбы. Быстрее, Корво, убей его!
- 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,690 Застрели его, застрели его, застрели его...
- 00:01:22,690 --> 00:01:25,360 - Мисти, что происходит? - Это мой кошмар.
- 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,150 Джен, это Терри и Корво.
- 00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:29,690 Эм, да, Корво породил меня из своего стресса,
- 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,700 и я постоянно кричал "пошёл на хер" и пытался убить его.
- 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,070 Я был ужасным, несчастным человеком.
- 00:01:35,070 --> 00:01:36,620 Корво, мне так жаль.
- 00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:39,040 Можешь засунуть свои извинения в задницу и скинуться в море.
- 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,040 Ты прав. Я не заслуживаю прощения.
- 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,830 Каждый день я живу с виной за то, как я к тебе относился.
- 00:01:43,830 --> 00:01:45,330 Ты больше не тот парень, Красный.
- 00:01:45,330 --> 00:01:47,420 Если и нет, то все благодаря тебе, Джен.
- 00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:49,380 Джен достала меня из тёмного места.
- 00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:51,800 Теперь все, чего я хочу, это жениться на этой прекрасной женщине,
- 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,010 просыпаться каждый день и печь ей хлеб
- 00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:56,760 с помощью хлебопечки Breville Custom Loaf.
- 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,770 Эм, ладно. Ну, просто не целься в меня из лазерной пушки.
- 00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:04,270 Да, это моя вина. Спасибо за понимание.
- 00:02:04,270 --> 00:02:06,310 Эй, я так боялся этого дня,
- 00:02:06,310 --> 00:02:08,270 но было здорово увидеться.
- 00:02:08,270 --> 00:02:09,770 - Это да. - Удачи, бро.
- 00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:13,610 Я на это не куплюсь. А ты?
- 00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:15,740 О, я купился, но у меня такая низкая самооценка,
- 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:17,120 что я просто соглашусь с тобой.
- 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,870 - Он лжец и вообще отстойный. - Это точно!
- 00:02:18,870 --> 00:02:20,490 К черту этого ублюдка!
- 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:22,080 Люблю, когда у тебя нет собственных убеждений.
- 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,330 Тогда и я люблю.
- 00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,420 Планета Шлорп являлась идеальной утопией.
- 00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,290 До падения астероида.
- 00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:31,920 Сотня взрослых и репликантов улетели с планеты вместе с Пупой
- 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,010 и отправились в космос
- 00:02:34,010 --> 00:02:36,430 в поисках нового дома на необитаемой планете.
- 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,100 Мы упали на Землю и застряли на этой уже и так перенаселённой планете.
- 00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,810 Верно, это я говорил все это время.
- 00:02:41,810 --> 00:02:43,560 Я тот, который держит Пупу. Меня зовут Корво.
- 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,980 Это... это моё шоу. Я только что уронил Пупу. Видите меня?
- 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:47,440 Это просто смешно.
- 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,310 Я ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.
- 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,650 Люди глупые. Они всегда спорят о политике.
- 00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:53,650 Все так заняты этой политикой,
- 00:02:53,650 --> 00:02:55,950 но никто не говорит о том, что Земля - это яйцо.
- 00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:57,410 Почему они об этом не говорят?
- 00:03:04,329 --> 00:03:06,169 Почему люди так помешаны на спорте?
- 00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:08,459 Они ещё не поняли, что кардио вызывает рак?
- 00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:10,289 О боже, мы будем сегодня бежать милю?
- 00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:13,169 У меня туфли, кричащие "возьми меня". Я не могу в них бежать, я взяла их в аренду!
- 00:03:13,169 --> 00:03:14,339 Я тоже отстойно бегаю.
- 00:03:14,339 --> 00:03:17,469 Мои ноги созданы для управления правой и левой педалью
- 00:03:17,469 --> 00:03:20,099 моей машины для убийств, а не для того, чтобы бегать по кругу.
- 00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,099 Давай просто пойдём. Никто и не заметит.
- 00:03:22,099 --> 00:03:24,519 Не помнишь, что произошло в прошлом году?
- 00:03:24,519 --> 00:03:25,769 Меня вырвет.
- 00:03:25,769 --> 00:03:27,189 Миля за 15 минут?
- 00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:29,859 У вас не получится ухудшить средний уровень школы.
- 00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:33,229 То, как быстро вы, гадёныши, пробежите, повлияет на бюджет на математику и науку.
- 00:03:33,229 --> 00:03:35,359 Все бегут ещё раз!
- 00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:36,569 А если вам это не нравится,
- 00:03:36,569 --> 00:03:40,659 то скажите спасибо Мистеру и Миссис Королевство гребаного хрустального черепа.
- 00:03:43,619 --> 00:03:45,449 Я только избавилась от сыпи из-за нуги.
- 00:03:45,449 --> 00:03:47,459 Ну все. Мы не будем бежать.
- 00:03:49,169 --> 00:03:50,999 Получить доступ к технологиям читерства.
- 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,509 Я не знала, что у тебя есть карманное измерение.
- 00:03:54,509 --> 00:03:56,799 - Круто, да? - Ага, если бы только не этот розовый цвет.
- 00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:58,299 Невозможно выбрать цвет!
- 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,099 Ты хочешь использовать шлем с читерством временем?
- 00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:02,009 Разве это не читерство?
- 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,809 О да, столько читерства, сколько возможно.
- 00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:07,689 но на всех этих занятиях после школы говорят, что читерство не работает!
- 00:04:07,689 --> 00:04:09,939 Слушай, ты хочешь, чтобы люди весь год злились на нас?
- 00:04:09,939 --> 00:04:12,399 Или ты хочешь стать читерами на секунду?
- 00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:16,239 Ну ладно, только разок.
- 00:04:16,239 --> 00:04:17,699 Нужно быть аккуратнее.
- 00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:19,199 Потому что, если верить "Овощным историям",
- 00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:21,279 читерство превратит тебя в гейскую картошку.
- 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,119 Я готов рискнуть.
- 00:04:25,079 --> 00:04:27,039 Что это за шлемы и рюкзаки?
- 00:04:27,039 --> 00:04:29,079 Эм, вообще, вам нельзя об этом спрашивать,
- 00:04:29,079 --> 00:04:31,919 потому что они заряжают нашу гендерную идентичность или типа того.
- 00:04:31,919 --> 00:04:35,049 Ладно. На этот раз вам лучше порадовать меня
- 00:04:35,049 --> 00:04:37,509 или я убью вас нахер.
- 00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:51,729 Вы пробежали целую милю за минуту?
- 00:04:51,729 --> 00:04:54,189 Довольно быстро, да? Мы можем закончить с этим тупым бегом?
- 00:04:54,189 --> 00:04:57,319 Нет! Конечно же нет. Потому что вы точно чи...
- 00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:59,399 Ну вот и все. Я знала.
- 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:00,909 Лучшие бегуны из всех!
- 00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:04,239 Эти прекрасные пришельцы поедут на региональные!
- 00:05:04,239 --> 00:05:07,619 Региональные? О нет. Ты уверен, что мы не заходим слишком далеко?
- 00:05:07,619 --> 00:05:09,329 О да. Это точно.
- 00:05:09,329 --> 00:05:12,289 American Airlines? Один билет до региональных на Гавайях, пожалуйста.
- 00:05:12,289 --> 00:05:13,379 Вам подойдёт второй класс?
- 00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:14,709 - Подойдёт что? - Второй класс.
- 00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:16,549 Да, я просто класс, а ещё и директор.
- 00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:18,129 Нет, я говорю про экономии.
- 00:05:18,129 --> 00:05:19,469 Мы все знаем, что с экономикой все в порядке,
- 00:05:19,469 --> 00:05:21,339 но вы не уговорите меня купить дорогой билет.
- 00:05:21,339 --> 00:05:22,889 Давайте начнём сначала: без пересадки?
- 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,469 Вау, ладно.
- 00:05:24,469 --> 00:05:26,139 Один билет на самое лучшее место, пожалуйста.
- 00:05:26,139 --> 00:05:28,429 Я хочу заплатить карточкой с номером, заканчивающимся на 7624.
- 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,229 Я просто зарегистрирую вас в первый класс, чтобы закончить разговор.
- 00:05:31,939 --> 00:05:33,479 Каждый раз работает.
- 00:05:34,729 --> 00:05:37,779 Этот протухший помидор точно что-то задумал, я это нутром чувствую.
- 00:05:37,779 --> 00:05:38,979 Мы должны быть готовы к нападению.
- 00:05:38,979 --> 00:05:40,649 Сейчас я приму половину таблетки для суицида,
- 00:05:40,649 --> 00:05:42,909 а потом, когда он будет нас пытать, приму вторую.
- 00:05:43,859 --> 00:05:45,949 Если ты герлскаут, то сразу скажи,
- 00:05:45,949 --> 00:05:47,079 и я все равно тебя пристрелю.
- 00:05:47,079 --> 00:05:48,369 - Это Джен! - Пожалуйста, не убивай нас!
- 00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:50,579 Да не буду. Простите, что пришла без приглашения,
- 00:05:50,579 --> 00:05:52,919 я всего лишь хочу попросить вас об одной услуге.
- 00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,499 Дай-ка догадаюсь, ты хочешь, чтобы мы пристрелили себя через глотку?
- 00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:56,379 Ну уж нет!
- 00:05:56,379 --> 00:06:00,089 Эм, нет. Я-я просто хотела узнать, придёте ли вы на нашу свадьбу?
- 00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:01,719 Это ловушка, Терри, беги!
- 00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:03,679 Нет, постойте. Мисти не знает, что я здесь.
- 00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:05,759 Вы - это самое близкое, что у него есть.
- 00:06:05,759 --> 00:06:07,349 Если вы придёте на нашу свадьбу, то он наконец
- 00:06:07,349 --> 00:06:09,059 сможет смириться с прошлым.
- 00:06:09,059 --> 00:06:10,769 Прийти на свадьбу Красного Мисистика?
- 00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:12,939 Ха. Нет, черт возьми.
- 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,519 Слушай, пока у Мисистика будет нечто хорошее в его жизни,
- 00:06:15,519 --> 00:06:17,569 он не будет пытаться вырезать тебе глаза и насрать тебе в рот.
- 00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:20,069 Ты можешь быть прав. Твоя единственная ежегодная хорошая идея.
- 00:06:20,069 --> 00:06:22,109 Неа, у меня была хорошая идея на прошлой неделе! Помнишь?
- 00:06:22,109 --> 00:06:23,899 Я накопил деньги для нашего братства, продавая пироги,
- 00:06:23,899 --> 00:06:25,569 но на дне формы для пирога было голое изображение
- 00:06:25,569 --> 00:06:26,949 Подружек Альфа-Бета.
- 00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:29,789 Именно поэтому мы продали так много пирогов. Все пироги. Помнишь?
- 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,249 Я посещу вашу церемонию,
- 00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:34,249 чтобы Красный Мисистик стал счастливым и больше не трогал меня.
- 00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:37,249 Ладно, но вы можете быть не такими странными на свадьбе?
- 00:06:37,249 --> 00:06:38,289 Там будет моя мама и...
- 00:06:38,289 --> 00:06:39,709 Заткнись. Есть лишь одна проблема:
- 00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:41,919 ты слишком простая, чтобы долго радовать Красного Мисистика.
- 00:06:41,919 --> 00:06:44,339 И если вы расстанетесь, то он станет ещё опаснее, чем до этого.
- 00:06:44,339 --> 00:06:47,339 Я помолвлена с мисистиком. Я не такая уж и простая.
- 00:06:47,339 --> 00:06:49,099 Тебя зовут Джен, тебя легко забыть.
- 00:06:49,099 --> 00:06:51,219 Где ты покупаешь одежду, T. J. Minimum?
- 00:06:51,219 --> 00:06:53,139 Да, сейчас он тебя любит, но когда ты ему надоешь,
- 00:06:53,139 --> 00:06:55,189 как нам, он снова начнёт охотиться на меня!
- 00:06:55,189 --> 00:06:57,439 Я начинаю понимать, почему Красный тебя ненавидит.
- 00:06:57,439 --> 00:06:58,689 - Что за черт? - Быстрее, Терри,
- 00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,269 принеси Красивый луч!
- 00:07:00,269 --> 00:07:01,529 Сейчас!
- 00:07:04,649 --> 00:07:05,699 Терри, помоги!
- 00:07:05,699 --> 00:07:09,029 Этот стерва избивает меня самым скучным способом!
- 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,619 Выстрели в неё из Красивого луча!
- 00:07:10,619 --> 00:07:11,489 Что это такое?!
- 00:07:11,489 --> 00:07:13,869 Замри, этот луч сделать тебя классной и все такое.
- 00:07:13,869 --> 00:07:16,459 Не смей стрелять в меня из этого! Я тебя засужу!
- 00:07:16,459 --> 00:07:17,959 Она становится все проще с каждой секундой!
- 00:07:24,589 --> 00:07:26,009 А ну отдай.
- 00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:27,969 Ты использовал не тот луч! Это Крысиный луч!
- 00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,889 Нам нужен был Красивый луч.
- 00:07:30,679 --> 00:07:31,889 Он прямо здесь, идиот.
- 00:07:31,889 --> 00:07:33,639 - Ты читать не умеешь? - Конечно же умею.
- 00:07:33,639 --> 00:07:35,729 Он не умеет.
- 00:07:35,729 --> 00:07:37,479 Почему ты распределил их по первой букве?
- 00:07:37,479 --> 00:07:40,019 - Это алфавитный порядок! - О боже. И что это значит?
- 00:07:40,019 --> 00:07:41,689 Черт! Хватай её! Хватай!
- 00:07:41,979 --> 00:07:44,359 О боже, Терри, если мы не вернём её до свадьбы,
- 00:07:44,359 --> 00:07:45,689 то Красный Мисистик точно придёт за нами!
- 00:07:45,689 --> 00:07:48,409 Черт! Ладно, ладно, ладно. Я найду её и обращу обратно,
- 00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:49,989 а ты пока отвлеки Красного Мисистика.
- 00:07:49,989 --> 00:07:51,159 Выходи, Джен.
- 00:07:51,159 --> 00:07:54,449 Мы можем пойти в кофейню, где на стене нарисованы крылья,
- 00:07:54,449 --> 00:07:56,909 ты сможешь там попозировать, будет весело.
- 00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:59,289 А ну выходи!
- 00:07:59,289 --> 00:08:00,839 Перерыв на мороженое.
- 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:03,839 Я хочу мороженое в виде Соника.
- 00:08:03,839 --> 00:08:06,379 Но не тот новый дизайн, который обсирают в Твиттере. Хочу оригинал!
- 00:08:06,379 --> 00:08:07,469 О нет, это слишком сложно.
- 00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:09,509 Дай мне мороженое с черепашками-ниндзя из второго из первых фильмов,
- 00:08:09,509 --> 00:08:10,589 но не из мультиков!
- 00:08:10,589 --> 00:08:12,599 О черт, черт, черт. Крыса-Джен, нет!
- 00:08:12,599 --> 00:08:13,849 Быстрее! Ну давай!
- 00:08:13,849 --> 00:08:15,219 Давай, ниндзя! Давай!
- 00:08:26,398 --> 00:08:28,448 Добро пожаловать на мальчишник!
- 00:08:28,448 --> 00:08:29,818 У Красного уже был мальчишник месяц назад.
- 00:08:29,818 --> 00:08:31,488 Мы построили приют в Никарагуа.
- 00:08:31,488 --> 00:08:33,408 Черт возьми, Тэннер! Ты всегда недоволен!
- 00:08:33,408 --> 00:08:34,158 Кто ты такой?
- 00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:36,828 Я тот, кто потратил много шекелей на пентхауз.
- 00:08:36,828 --> 00:08:38,418 И не для того, чтобы вас отвлечь,
- 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:39,918 а просто потому что я люблю гостеприимство.
- 00:08:39,918 --> 00:08:42,088 Это так классно, Корво! Спасибо!
- 00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,628 Моя мечта становится реальностью.
- 00:08:43,628 --> 00:08:45,548 С тех пор, как я посмотрел Незваных гостей,
- 00:08:45,548 --> 00:08:48,128 я всегда хотел мальчишник в стиле Мальчишника в Вегасе.
- 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,178 Это твоя ночь, детка.
- 00:08:50,178 --> 00:08:52,508 Штуки из Мальчишника в Вегасе!
- 00:08:53,808 --> 00:08:56,018 Это последняя ночь, перед тем как он отдаст свои земли
- 00:08:56,018 --> 00:08:58,228 семье Джен в обмен на её лоно.
- 00:08:58,228 --> 00:08:59,388 Запомним же эту ночь навсегда!
- 00:08:59,388 --> 00:09:01,438 О, да! Сейчас я только наберу Джен,
- 00:09:01,438 --> 00:09:02,358 а потом можно и...
- 00:09:03,768 --> 00:09:06,188 Никаких телефонов, бро! Правила Мальчишника!
- 00:09:06,938 --> 00:09:09,948 Лучше занюхаем дорожку в лучших традициях Индианы Джонса!
- 00:09:09,948 --> 00:09:11,278 Всем кокаина!
- 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:28,838 Ого, здесь все так, как я и представлял.
- 00:09:28,838 --> 00:09:30,798 Так, мерзкие инопланетяшки, если вы выиграете,
- 00:09:30,798 --> 00:09:33,388 то мы будем купаться в гавайских кисках.
- 00:09:33,678 --> 00:09:35,058 Сделайте это ради меня.
- 00:09:35,848 --> 00:09:37,888 Божечки, здесь так много людей.
- 00:09:37,888 --> 00:09:39,178 Нас точно спалят.
- 00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:41,098 Ладно, сейчас перенастрою наше устройство.
- 00:09:41,098 --> 00:09:43,018 Мы примем участие, но проиграем.
- 00:09:43,018 --> 00:09:44,858 А потом отправимся пить коктейли на пляже,
- 00:09:44,858 --> 00:09:46,018 Пока Кук будет спускать пар.
- 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,278 Ладно.
- 00:09:47,278 --> 00:09:49,898 На старт. Внимание.
- 00:09:56,158 --> 00:09:57,738 Срань Господня! Да!
- 00:09:58,368 --> 00:10:00,538 Тридцать секунд? Вот ты идиот!
- 00:10:00,538 --> 00:10:02,078 Мы ещё быстрее пробежали.
- 00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:03,578 Вот блин! Я все неправильно настроил!
- 00:10:03,578 --> 00:10:05,668 Надеюсь, никто не заметил!
- 00:10:05,668 --> 00:10:07,918 Прошу прощения, мы не могли не заметить...
- 00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:10,168 О, Божечки, простите нас.
- 00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:13,888 Какой-то бездомный в футболке Hulu заставил нас сделать это!
- 00:10:13,888 --> 00:10:16,428 А мы даже ходить быстро не любим.
- 00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:18,768 Стейси Грабовски, это мой напарник Фларт.
- 00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:21,228 Мы из Федерального Бюро Спорта.
- 00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:23,438 И здесь творится что-то подозрительное.
- 00:10:23,438 --> 00:10:24,598 О чем это вы?
- 00:10:24,598 --> 00:10:26,188 Подозрительно, что вы оба
- 00:10:26,188 --> 00:10:27,858 ещё не на Олимпийских играх!
- 00:10:27,858 --> 00:10:29,188 Вы такие быстрые!
- 00:10:29,188 --> 00:10:32,028 Срань Господня. Я так и знала. Дошло?
- 00:10:32,028 --> 00:10:34,778 Мы здесь ищем кандидатов в сборную по лёгкой атлетике,
- 00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:36,488 и вы обязаны в неё вступить.
- 00:10:36,488 --> 00:10:38,328 Соревнования в эту субботу в Москве.
- 00:10:38,328 --> 00:10:41,408 Наконец-то мы победим этих никчёмных русских читеров
- 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,248 с помощью самых обычных честных и быстрых американских детей!
- 00:10:45,248 --> 00:10:47,878 Русски Киски, мы идемски!
- 00:10:47,878 --> 00:10:48,918 Да!
- 00:10:51,208 --> 00:10:52,878 А сейчас мы поклянёмся на крови.
- 00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:54,548 Быстрее, пока у меня не закружилась голова.
- 00:10:55,218 --> 00:10:56,678 Блин, извините.
- 00:10:56,678 --> 00:10:59,008 Я и забыл, как сильно моя кровь любит вкус человеческой крови.
- 00:10:59,598 --> 00:11:01,558 Типичный Вегас.
- 00:11:02,388 --> 00:11:04,898 Джен, неси сюда свою упругую крысиную задницу!
- 00:11:05,228 --> 00:11:06,348 Да, вот так,
- 00:11:06,348 --> 00:11:09,268 все серии "Терьеров" на Blu-ray.
- 00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,488 Крыски любят "Терьеров", правда же?
- 00:11:11,488 --> 00:11:13,198 Вот так. Хорошая девочка.
- 00:11:13,198 --> 00:11:14,908 Жаль, что они их отменили.
- 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,318 Вот и чем они думали?
- 00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:18,328 Вот черт! И кто из них теперь Джен?
- 00:11:18,328 --> 00:11:19,828 У них у всех чёткие попки!
- 00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:21,538 Черт возьми. Ладно, Терри, соберись.
- 00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:23,658 Сейчас или никогда. Я не остановлюсь, пока...
- 00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:25,118 О, мороженка!
- 00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:27,918 Странно, что он орал "я неуязвимый!",
- 00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:29,378 хотя мы видим совсем обратное.
- 00:11:29,378 --> 00:11:30,708 Здесь шесть патронов!
- 00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:32,208 Ты правил Русской рулетки не знаешь?
- 00:11:32,208 --> 00:11:34,798 Вообще-то не знаю. Думал, что пойму в процессе.
- 00:11:34,798 --> 00:11:36,718 И понял же. Меньше патронов, тут ясно.
- 00:11:36,718 --> 00:11:38,008 Спокойно, сейчас все исправлю.
- 00:11:40,138 --> 00:11:41,518 Не хочу вдаваться в подробности,
- 00:11:41,518 --> 00:11:44,018 но не все собаки попадают в рай.
- 00:11:44,018 --> 00:11:46,478 Остальные собаки - расисты. Белые собаки.
- 00:11:49,398 --> 00:11:51,148 Давай, давай.
- 00:11:52,728 --> 00:11:54,948 Надо было в два захода!
- 00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:57,698 Надеюсь, среди них не было Джен.
- 00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:00,828 АИША, надо устройство, чтобы надеть свадебное платье на крысу.
- 00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:02,908 Это устройство №25.
- 00:12:07,368 --> 00:12:09,708 Ну давай, где же ты, обычная невеста?
- 00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:12,338 Наверное, покупаешь коврик в товарах для дома.
- 00:12:15,628 --> 00:12:17,338 Что за ночь отвлекающих манёвров!
- 00:12:17,338 --> 00:12:21,138 А я уже давненько не закапывал трупы в пустыне.
- 00:12:21,138 --> 00:12:24,018 Спасибо за сегодня. Я знаю, ты во многом заморочился.
- 00:12:24,018 --> 00:12:25,678 Все для тебя, Красный Мисистик.
- 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,518 Слушай, может, стоит сменить имя на Крис?
- 00:12:28,518 --> 00:12:31,858 Это сильное и красивое имя. Оно подходит тебе... Крис.
- 00:12:31,858 --> 00:12:33,608 Эй, дай-ка мне свою руку.
- 00:12:33,608 --> 00:12:35,648 О, твои руки такие тёплые.
- 00:12:35,648 --> 00:12:36,988 Взгляни на свою линию стресса.
- 00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:39,778 Она начинается на ладони и тянется к самому сердцу.
- 00:12:39,778 --> 00:12:42,278 Как приятно.
- 00:12:46,078 --> 00:12:47,618 И мы это сделаем?
- 00:12:48,618 --> 00:12:50,998 Эй! Але! Чуваки. Братишки!
- 00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:52,588 Ну же, проснитесь. Я хочу забрать свои вещи!
- 00:12:52,588 --> 00:12:55,378 И как только можно спать под такой будильник? Похоже на рёв.
- 00:13:01,338 --> 00:13:03,098 А я говорил тебе пойти на хер.
- 00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:05,218 Я же не знал, что это всерьёз.
- 00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:09,688 Господи, я же изменил Джен,
- 00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:10,978 и не жалею об этом!
- 00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:12,518 Значит ли это, что нам не стоит жениться?
- 00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:14,228 Нет. Жениться все ещё нужно.
- 00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:16,318 На мне! Сделаем как в "Сбежавшей невесте"!
- 00:13:23,158 --> 00:13:24,658 Ну все, нам конец.
- 00:13:24,658 --> 00:13:26,578 Кто-нибудь точно поймёт, что мы обманщики,
- 00:13:26,578 --> 00:13:29,248 и убьёт так же, как когда-то Лэнса Армстронга.
- 00:13:29,248 --> 00:13:30,828 Его не убили, ему просто отрезали яичко.
- 00:13:30,828 --> 00:13:33,458 Но у нас нет яичек! Что они нам отрежут?
- 00:13:33,458 --> 00:13:35,958 Может, не все так плохо, как кажется.
- 00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:37,918 Никому нет дела до Юношеских Олимпийских игр.
- 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,298 Я даже не знал об их существовании.
- 00:13:39,838 --> 00:13:42,218 Мишель Обама?
- 00:13:42,218 --> 00:13:43,598 Джесси, Юмми!
- 00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:46,218 Мои две американские звёздочки.
- 00:13:46,218 --> 00:13:48,058 Эм, привет. Как дела?
- 00:13:48,058 --> 00:13:50,478 Став президентом, все это время
- 00:13:50,478 --> 00:13:52,558 я искала героев.
- 00:13:52,558 --> 00:13:55,518 Вы - образцы честности и достоинства,
- 00:13:55,518 --> 00:13:58,778 и поэтому я поставлю весь бюджет США
- 00:13:58,778 --> 00:14:00,318 на вашу победу.
- 00:14:00,318 --> 00:14:01,858 - А это законно? - Ещё как.
- 00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:05,198 Буш хорошо поднялся на башнях-близнецах, но проиграл все на Рестлмании.
- 00:14:05,198 --> 00:14:09,328 То есть судьба всей страны зависит от нашей честной победы?
- 00:14:09,328 --> 00:14:11,998 Да. И если вы проиграете, нам придётся закрыть Америку,
- 00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:14,748 и весь мир будет знать, что это ваша вина.
- 00:14:17,168 --> 00:14:19,418 - Признаю, все зашло слишком далеко. - Да ладно?!
- 00:14:19,418 --> 00:14:21,168 Ну скажем, что мы съели недостаточно фастфуда,
- 00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:23,388 и нас накрыла такая диарея, что невозможно бежать.
- 00:14:23,388 --> 00:14:25,298 Нет. Всему есть предел.
- 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,848 Мы не можем просто врать и надеяться, что нас никто не убьёт.
- 00:14:27,848 --> 00:14:29,888 Пора прекращать. - Ты совершенно права.
- 00:14:29,888 --> 00:14:31,938 Нам пора выйти и во всем признаться.
- 00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,558 Этот обман закончится сейчас.
- 00:14:33,558 --> 00:14:37,018 Ведь что хорошего в славе, деньгах, сексе
- 00:14:37,018 --> 00:14:39,818 и рекламе American Express с Тиной Фей и Майклом Че?
- 00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:45,158 Вы завоевали сердца миллионов своей быстротой,
- 00:14:45,158 --> 00:14:47,408 а главное - честностью.
- 00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,488 Спасибо. - Ещё бы.
- 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,828 Мы тут всей страной скинулись
- 00:14:50,828 --> 00:14:53,168 на небольшой подарок вам.
- 00:14:53,168 --> 00:14:55,078 Десять миллионов долларов!
- 00:14:55,078 --> 00:14:58,248 По миллиону за каждую секунду вашего сегодняшнего забега!
- 00:14:58,248 --> 00:14:59,798 Какая скорость!
- 00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,007 Стоило сделать это раньше.
- 00:15:05,007 --> 00:15:06,797 Я годами искал своего спутника жизни,
- 00:15:06,797 --> 00:15:08,677 не подозревая, что он все время был внутри меня.
- 00:15:08,677 --> 00:15:10,177 Я навеки твой, Корви.
- 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,307 Скорее, любовь моя, найди ближайшую церковь.
- 00:15:12,307 --> 00:15:15,267 Через три километра есть крепость мормонов.
- 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:18,777 Отлично! Давай послушаем подкаст вместе, как пара, пока едем.
- 00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:22,357 Сегодня мы поговорим о звуках трубы.
- 00:15:22,357 --> 00:15:23,147 Звуки духовых...
- 00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:24,907 Эм, может, послушаем что другое?
- 00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:26,197 Да ладно, дай ему шанс.
- 00:15:26,197 --> 00:15:28,527 Чтобы жить вместе, мы должны оставаться честными.
- 00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:30,867 И я, если честно, ненавижу этот подкаст.
- 00:15:30,867 --> 00:15:34,037 Ладно, дорогой. Что ты хочешь послушать?
- 00:15:35,077 --> 00:15:36,667 Знаете, Аяуаска может быть
- 00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,537 древом жизни, которое мы искали.
- 00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,837 Его целебные свойства поражают.
- 00:15:40,837 --> 00:15:43,127 Бесплатное оружие не бесплатное. Надо только полизать ноги.
- 00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:44,877 Какой отстой! Мне не нравится.
- 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,597 Что? Джо Роган - это Майя Энджелоу нашего времени.
- 00:15:47,597 --> 00:15:49,717 В нашем времени уже есть Майя Энджелоу.
- 00:15:49,717 --> 00:15:50,637 И это Марк Кьюбан!
- 00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:52,387 - Эй, милый. - Да, дорогой?
- 00:15:52,387 --> 00:15:54,307 Я тебя люблю, но ты говоришь как дырка в жопе,
- 00:15:54,307 --> 00:15:55,517 когда речь о таких вещах.
- 00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:57,357 Как это возможно, если у меня нет дырки в жопе?
- 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,687 И кстати, куда ты до этого меня трахал?
- 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:02,067 Черт, я мисею! Посмотри, что ты наделал!
- 00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,447 Но ночью ты не жаловался, шлюшка!
- 00:16:06,947 --> 00:16:09,867 - У нас ничего не получится? Да, Крис? - Боюсь, что так.
- 00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:13,747 Что же я наделал? Не могу поверить, что я разрушил все, что было у нас с Джен.
- 00:16:13,747 --> 00:16:16,167 Я идиот. Вот всегда я так.
- 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,377 Вдруг ещё не все потеряно?
- 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,837 Ещё успеем отвезти тебя на свадьбу.
- 00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:20,667 - Мы не успеем. - У нас куча вр...
- 00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:23,707 Черт! Надо торопиться! Я забыл, что на этой планете время не стоит на месте.
- 00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:28,177 Водитель ты фиговый.
- 00:16:28,177 --> 00:16:29,297 Как же я тебя ненавижу.
- 00:16:29,637 --> 00:16:31,257 Расскажи мне о себе.
- 00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:35,307 Стоп, Джен?
- 00:16:35,307 --> 00:16:36,187 Вот блин, и ты крыса.
- 00:16:37,647 --> 00:16:39,307 Пофиг. Просто сделаю вас крутыми.
- 00:16:39,307 --> 00:16:40,857 Красный Мисистик даже разницы не заметит.
- 00:16:45,357 --> 00:16:47,607 Вот оно! Вы, девчонки, теперь такие крутые!
- 00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:50,577 Эй, просто хотел снова
- 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,447 поздравить вас со всеми победами,
- 00:16:52,447 --> 00:16:53,787 ещё и абсолютно честными.
- 00:16:54,617 --> 00:16:56,287 Я так больше не могу!
- 00:16:56,287 --> 00:16:57,707 Когда нам преподадут урок?
- 00:16:57,707 --> 00:16:59,877 Обычно я радуюсь, когда мне все сходит с рук,
- 00:16:59,877 --> 00:17:00,917 но это другое.
- 00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:03,297 То, что нас взяли в команду США, было последней каплей.
- 00:17:03,297 --> 00:17:06,667 Обычно к этому моменту своих приключений мы усваиваем урок.
- 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,507 Мне кажется, что по мне бегают муравьи.
- 00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:11,007 Это от холода? Или от жары? Меня то в холод, то в жар бросает!
- 00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:12,427 У нас синдром неусвоения урока!
- 00:17:12,427 --> 00:17:14,967 И так будет до тех пор, пока мы не поймём хоть что-нибудь.
- 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,767 Но как? Как это сделать?
- 00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,267 Стой! Все это время мы всех обманывали,
- 00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:20,937 но что если мы пойдём ещё дальше и
- 00:17:20,937 --> 00:17:23,897 используем ещё один научный девайс, чтобы удвоить обман?
- 00:17:23,897 --> 00:17:25,527 У нас есть что-нибудь, что преподаёт урок?
- 00:17:25,527 --> 00:17:27,817 У нас есть анализатор уроков,
- 00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:30,237 но мы не хотим его использовать, да?
- 00:17:33,697 --> 00:17:35,157 Сработало? Ты усвоил урок?
- 00:17:35,157 --> 00:17:37,287 О, да, и это потрясно.
- 00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:39,617 Я узнал, что "цыплят по осени считают".
- 00:17:39,617 --> 00:17:41,417 Ого! Дай мне!
- 00:17:42,037 --> 00:17:44,127 О, да, как же круто.
- 00:17:44,127 --> 00:17:46,417 - Что узнала? - Что нельзя понижать градус.
- 00:17:46,417 --> 00:17:47,837 О, вот это умная мысль.
- 00:17:47,837 --> 00:17:49,677 - Хочешь ещё урок? - Конечно!
- 00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,677 Помогите отвезти 15 женщин-крыс
- 00:17:51,677 --> 00:17:52,887 на свадьбу Красного. Быстрее!
- 00:17:52,887 --> 00:17:54,887 Звучит в стиле Солнечных противоположностей.
- 00:17:56,807 --> 00:17:59,227 "Чем мягче подушка, тем приятнее спать".
- 00:17:59,227 --> 00:18:01,397 Надо будет запомнить, если пойдём за подушками.
- 00:18:06,397 --> 00:18:09,197 Мы никогда не должны вспоминать о том, что произошло в отеле.
- 00:18:10,317 --> 00:18:11,277 Я сейчас про секс.
- 00:18:11,277 --> 00:18:13,777 Понятное дело, идиот. Зачем ты вообще сейчас это вспомнил?
- 00:18:13,777 --> 00:18:14,867 Я тут жениться собрался.
- 00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,617 Прости, я просто надеюсь, что вы с Джен будете счастливы в браке,
- 00:18:17,617 --> 00:18:19,327 а мы не пострадаем от твоего гнева.
- 00:18:30,087 --> 00:18:32,837 Столько невест... Это шутка какая-то?
- 00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,427 Джен? Кто из них Джен?
- 00:18:35,427 --> 00:18:37,767 Чувак, ну если и ты не знаешь, то я точно не знаю.
- 00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,437 Её здесь нет! Кто, черт возьми, все эти невесты?
- 00:18:40,437 --> 00:18:42,187 Терри, какого черта? Ты не нашёл её?
- 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,017 В каком смысле "нашёл"? Что за херня здесь творится?
- 00:18:45,017 --> 00:18:46,187 Ох, с чего бы начать?
- 00:18:46,187 --> 00:18:47,647 Я превратил эту сучку в крысу.
- 00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:48,607 - Что?
- 00:18:48,607 --> 00:18:51,107 "Плати бензином, травкой или натурой - бесплатно никто не подвезёт".
- 00:18:51,107 --> 00:18:54,317 Пошёл ты, шлорпианский кусок говна! Вы разрушили мою жизнь!
- 00:18:54,317 --> 00:18:55,527 Пошёл ты, Красный Крис!
- 00:18:55,527 --> 00:18:57,487 В постели ты говорил мне, что не любишь Джен.
- 00:18:57,487 --> 00:18:59,907 Да, это даже не наша вина... Стоп, в постели?
- 00:18:59,907 --> 00:19:01,577 Вы что, чпокались? - Что? Забудь.
- 00:19:01,577 --> 00:19:03,287 Мы трахались. Не говори об этом.
- 00:19:03,287 --> 00:19:06,587 Лучший способ справиться со стрессом - прожить его.
- 00:19:06,587 --> 00:19:09,877 Только тогда станешь по-настоящему счастливым.
- 00:19:09,877 --> 00:19:12,427 Ну или менее несчастным.
- 00:19:12,427 --> 00:19:14,637 Она права. Ты - мой стресс, Красный Мисистик.
- 00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:18,137 Я не должен был пытаться управлять тобой или подавлять.
- 00:19:18,137 --> 00:19:19,717 Пора установить границы.
- 00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:20,977 Поджарив твою задницу!
- 00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:27,067 Пошёл на хер!
- 00:19:27,857 --> 00:19:29,607 Черт, опять все сначала.
- 00:19:29,607 --> 00:19:31,487 Но мы извлекли из этого ценный урок.
- 00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:32,947 Ты извлёк насчёт стресса,
- 00:19:32,947 --> 00:19:34,607 а репликанты - насчёт лжи.
- 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,867 А я вообще ничему не научился.
- 00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:37,027 Дай Терри анализатор уроков,
- 00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:38,787 чтобы он тоже извлёк урок.
- 00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:43,037 Я понял, что иногда
- 00:19:43,037 --> 00:19:45,497 эмоциональные события разрушают привычный уклад,
- 00:19:45,497 --> 00:19:47,787 и тогда необходимо принять хаос и не переживать.
- 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,457 Как семьи и поступают.
- 00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:56,527 Быть крысой намного лучше.
- 00:19:56,537 --> 00:19:58,757 Я чуть не вышла замуж за красную козявку.
- 00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:00,277 Но теперь я в канализации,
- 00:20:00,287 --> 00:20:02,027 где могу есть дерьмо
- 00:20:02,037 --> 00:20:05,427 и благословлена тобой, Деннис, самой наркоманской крысой.
- 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:08,927 Повезло, что ты хорош в крысином сексе,
- 00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:10,327 а иначе я бы ушла.
- 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,928 Hey, do you have anything that screams, "This guy watches golf"?
- 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,515 Oh, yeah. This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
- 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,018 It's the model he wore to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.
- 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,521 Mmm... I love it how you can wear it one way and look like a newsboy
- 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,648 and another way and look like a bad boy.
- 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,483 - We patented that. - Could we hurry this up?
- 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,693 Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies
- 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,112 and a locker full of ladies' feet. I want to see that stuff.
- 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,907 Damn, Terry, looking smooth as eggs.
- 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,120 Red Goobler, got a gun!
- 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,373 What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!
- 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,542 Red Goobler? Wait a hot fucking second.
- 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,002 I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year.
- 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,129 After he hunted us in the Halloween store. Remember that whole thing?
- 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,840 Yeah, I lied about killing him.
- 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,883 He got away, and I kinda just thought maybe he'd disappear
- 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,718 like that eye that used to be on my back.
- 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,304 Damn it, Terry, that eye is still there, and so is the Red Goobler.
- 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,806 Wait, what the fuck? Why's he so big?
- 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,975 Last time we saw him he was the size of a softball.
- 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,226 Or like a fat baseball.
- 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,645 I don't know, Terry. He probably grows when I'm stressed out.
- 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,897 Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.
- 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,607 Sorry for trying to be consistent.
- 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,653 Wait, wait, wait!
- 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,655 I'm not trying to kill you any more, I swear!
- 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,949 Oh, please! Then what's with that sweet-ass laser gun?
- 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,576 It's just a barcode scanner.
- 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,661 I'm registering for my wedding.
- 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,416 This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him! Shoot him!
- 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,625 Baby, what's going on?
- 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,294 This is my nightmare!
- 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,129 Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
- 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,715 So, yeah, Korvo birthed me from his stress,
- 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:32,676 and I used to yell, "Get fucked," and try to kill him.
- 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,053 I was a terrible, unhappy person.
- 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597 And, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
- 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,057 You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.
- 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,018 You're right. I don't deserve forgiveness.
- 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,770 I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.
- 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,439 You aren't that guy anymore, Red.
- 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,441 If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.
- 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,234 Jen pulled me out of a dark place.
- 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,778 Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,
- 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,989 wake up every day and make her bread.
- 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,617 With this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
- 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,747 Okay, well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.
- 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,124 Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:08,212 Hey, I've been dreading this for a while, but it was honestly nice running into you.
- 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,963 - You too. - Stay cool, brother.
- 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,091 I didn't buy any of that for a second.
- 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,718 - Did you? - Oh, I totally bought it,
- 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,095 but my self-esteem is so low that I'll go along with whatever you feel.
- 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,931 - He's a liar and he sucks. - I know, right?
- 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,265 Fuck that little asshole.
- 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,059 I love when you don't have any convictions.
- 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,310 Then I do too.
- 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,273 <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.</i>
- 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,193 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants</i>
- 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,737 <i>were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,</i>
- 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,615 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
- 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,993 <i>We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
- 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,828 <i>That's right. I've been talking this whole time.</i>
- 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,664 <i>I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.</i>
- 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,499 <i>This is... This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
- 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251 <i>Do you see me? This is ridiculous.</i>
- 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:50,212 <i>I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid.</i>
- 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,672 <i>They're always arguing about politics.</i>
- 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,590 <i>Everyone is so busy arguing about politics.</i>
- 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,926 <i>But no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.</i>
- 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,386 <i>Why aren't they talking about that?</i>
- 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,144 What is with humans' obsession with fitness?
- 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,438 Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?
- 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,148 Oh, jeez. We're running the mile today?
- 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:13,318 I wore my fuck-me pumps. I can't run in them. They're rentals.
- 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,444 I suck at it too.
- 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,406 My legs were made for operating the left-right orientation pedals
- 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,200 in a hunt-or-kill startripper, not running in a circle.
- 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,202 Meh. Let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.
- 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496 Don't you remember what happened last year?
- 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,789 I'm gonna puke.
- 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,124 A 15-minute mile?
- 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,835 I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.
- 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,213 Our math and science budget is based on how fast you little shits can move.
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,132 Everybody is running again.
- 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,800 And if you don't like doing it,
- 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,554 you can thank Mr. and Mrs. <i>Kingdom of the Crystal fucking Skull</i> over here.
- 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,392 My noogie rash just cleared up.
- 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,519 That's it. We are not doing this again.
- 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,939 Access cheating devices.
- 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,359 Ooh, I didn't know you had a Pocket Dimension.
- 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,778 - Pretty sweet, right? - Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
- 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,906 You don't get to choose the color!
- 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,991 Wait, you're gonna use the Time Cheater Helmet?
- 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,492 - Isn't that cheating? - Oh, yeah.
- 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,952 It's as cheating as you can get.
- 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,664 But all the afterschool programs I watch say cheating never works!
- 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,000 Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hmm?
- 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,377 Or do you want to be cheaters for one quick second?
- 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,549 Well, all right, but just this once. We got to be careful too,
- 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:21,094 'cause, according to <i>VeggieTales,</i> cheating will make you a gay potato.
- 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,096 That's a chance I'm willing to take.
- 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,017 What's with the helmets and backpacks?
- 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,228 Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it
- 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,897 because they power our gender identity or whatever.
- 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,192 Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year
- 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,486 or I will fucking kill you.
- 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:51,708 You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?
- 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,169 That was fast, right? So we can stop doing the stupid test?
- 00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,462 No, of course you can't.
- 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:59,174 - Because you two are, obviously che... - Oh, no. Here it comes. I knew it.
- 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,884 The best runners we've ever had!
- 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,221 These beautiful aliens are going to regionals.
- 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,347 Regionals? Oh, no.
- 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,808 Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head?
- 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,309 Oh, yeah, we definitely are.
- 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,187 American Airlines, one ticket to regionals in Hawaii, please.
- 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,273 <i>-Are you okay with coach?</i> - Am I okay with what?
- 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,733 <i>-Coach?</i> - Yes, I am the coach and the principal.
- 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,985 <i>No, I mean economy.</i>
- 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,403 We all know the economy is great,
- 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,363 but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket.
- 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,739 <i>Let's start over. Non-stop?</i>
- 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,241 Wow. Okay.
- 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,118 One-ticket-to-regionals- on-your-finest-seat-please-
- 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,412 I'd-like-to-pay-with-a-credit-card- ending-in-7624.
- 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,206 <i>I'm just gonna put you in first class and end this conversation.</i>
- 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,458 Works every time.
- 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,461 That swole tomato is up to something.
- 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,964 I can feel it in my mound. We need to be ready for an attack.
- 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,799 I'm gonna take half my suicide pills now
- 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,260 and save the other half for when he tortures us.
- 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,097 If you're a Girl Scout, say it now, and I will still shoot you.
- 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,348 - It's Jen. - Please don't kill us.
- 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601 Not even. Sorry for dropping by unannounced.
- 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,895 I just need to ask you guys for a favor.
- 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,230 Let me guess. You want us to shoot ourselves through our throats?
- 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,315 Well, fat chance.
- 00:05:56,523 --> 00:06:00,068 Uh, no. I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding.
- 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,612 It's a trap, Terry! Run!
- 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,655 No! Stop! Goobie doesn't know I'm here.
- 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741 You guys are the closest thing he has to family.
- 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,952 If you came to our wedding, it might let him finally make peace with his past.
- 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,539 Attend a Red Goobler wedding? No fucking way.
- 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,292 Listen, as long as that Goobler's got something else in his life,
- 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,544 he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth.
- 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,088 You might have a point. Your annual one good idea.
- 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,590 Nuh-uh! I had a good idea last week.
- 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,884 Remember? I raised money for a frat by selling pies,
- 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,845 but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture of the Alpha Betas' girlfriends?
- 00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:29,556 That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing, remember?
- 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,183 I will attend your ceremony
- 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:34,228 to trick the Red Goobler into being happy so he won't hurt me anymore.
- 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,939 Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding?
- 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,273 My mom's gonna be there...
- 00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,650 Shut up! There's only one problem.
- 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,818 You're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
- 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,321 And if you break up, he'll become more dangerous than ever before.
- 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,324 I'm engaged to a Goobler. I'm as not-basic as they come.
- 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,034 Your name is Jen. You're very forgettable.
- 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,161 Where do you shop? TJ Minimum?
- 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,205 Sure, he loves you now, but once he's sick of you,
- 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,165 like we already are, it's back to hunting me.
- 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,459 I'm starting to understand why Red hates you.
- 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,002 - What the hell? - Quick, Terry,
- 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,213 - go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray. - On it!
- 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,760 Terry, help! This Lululemon basic ho
- 00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,971 is kicking my ass in the most boring way possible.
- 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,722 Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray.
- 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,849 - What the hell is that? - Hold still.
- 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,851 This ray's gonna make you terrific. And some other stuff.
- 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,061 Don't you dare shoot me with that. I'll sue you.
- 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,980 She's getting basicer by the second.
- 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,072 Give me that! You used the wrong ray.
- 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,867 This is the Rat Ray. We needed the R-A-T ray.
- 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,869 It's right there, you idiot!
- 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,620 - Can't you read? - Of course I can.
- 00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,788 <i>He can't.</i>
- 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,541 Why would you put them in order of first letter?
- 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,750 It's alphabetical, Terry.
- 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,460 Oh, my God, what does that mean? Ah!
- 00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,712 Shit. Grab her! Grab her!
- 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,256 Oh, my God, Terry. If we don't get her back in time for the wedding,
- 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,841 the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure.
- 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,218 Fuck! Okay, I'll find her and de-rat her
- 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,138 while you keep the Red Goobler distracted. Come out, Jen!
- 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,558 We can go to a coffee shop that has a painting of wings on a wall.
- 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,020 You can pose in front of it. So fun. Get the fuck out here!
- 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814 Ice cream break.
- 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,611 I want a Sonic pop, but not the new design Twitter bullied them into,
- 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,404 the original. Oh, no, that's too complicated.
- 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,615 Give me a Ninja Turtle pop from the second or the first movies,
- 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,534 but not from the cartoon. Oh, fuck! Rat Jen, no!
- 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,785 Ring me up! Come on! Let's go!
- 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,078 Go, Ninja! Go, Ninja, go!
- 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,718 - Welcome to your bachelor party. - Red already had one of these a month ago.
- 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,553 We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.
- 00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,305 God damn it, Tanner, you're always undercutting me.
- 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,389 Who are you?
- 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,934 I'm the guy who dropped <i>mucho</i> shekels on a penthouse suite,
- 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,062 and not to distract you from anything. Only because I love hospitality.
- 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,022 That's amazing, Korvo. Thank you.
- 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,607 This is a dream come true.
- 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,442 Ever since I saw <i>Wedding Crashers,</i>
- 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,111 I've wanted to have a <i>Hangover</i>-themed bachelor party.
- 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,613 It's your big night, baby.
- 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,241 <i>Hangover</i> stuff!
- 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,328 This is the last night before Red Goobler sells his land to Jen's family
- 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,163 in exchange for her dusty womb.
- 00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,165 - Let's make it one to remember. - Hell yeah!
- 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,376 Let me just check in with Jen, then we can hit...
- 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,795 No phones, bro.
- 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,171 Bachelor party rules.
- 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,048 Let's hit the Strip.
- 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,134 Indiana Jones passage-of-time style. Cocaine for everyone!
- 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:28,652 Wow. Regionals is everything I thought it would be.
- 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,195 All right, you filthy fucking aliens,
- 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,365 if you guys win, we're going to be drowning in Hawaiian pussy.
- 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,200 Do this for me.
- 00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:39,121 Oh, no! Oh, man! There are so many people here, we're gonna get caught for sure.
- 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,039 Okay, look, I'll dial back the cheater device.
- 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,958 That was we can compete, but still lose.
- 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,169 Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach while Cook gets his rocks off.
- 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,254 Okay.
- 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,839 <i>On your marks,</i>
- 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,007 <i>get set...</i>
- 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,723 Holy fuck, yes!
- 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:02,186 Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch, we went even faster that time.
- 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,645 Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way.
- 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,480 Maybe nobody noticed.
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,900 Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you two.
- 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,152 Oh, God, we're so sorry!
- 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,906 A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it.
- 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,408 We don't even like going fast.
- 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,702 Stacy Grabowski. This is my partner, Flart.
- 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,038 We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police.
- 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,415 There's something suspicious going on here.
- 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,583 Uh, what do you mean?
- 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,920 It's suspicious that you two aren't running in the Olympics.
- 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,171 You're so fast.
- 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,965 Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it?
- 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,801 We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team,
- 00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,428 and we need you on our roster.
- 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:38,222 The race is this Sunday in Moscow.
- 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,433 Now we'll finally be able to beat those no-good cheating Russians
- 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:45,229 with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children.
- 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,899 - Russki-pusski, here we come-ski! - Yeah.
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,778 We're doing a blood pact.
- 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,321 Hurry, before I get dizzy.
- 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:59,034 Shit. Sorry. I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood.
- 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,537 Classic Vegas moment.
- 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,871 Jen,
- 00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,873 get that tight rat ass back here, girl.
- 00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,291 Ooh, that's right.
- 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,294 It's the entire series of <i>Terriers</i> on Blu-ray.
- 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,421 Rats love <i>Terriers</i>, don't you?
- 00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,842 There you go. Good girl. They should have never canceled it.
- 00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,260 What the fuck were they thinking?
- 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,721 No, damn it! Which one is Jen? They all have great asses.
- 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:22,432 Goddamn it! Okay, Terry, buckle down. This is your moment to shine.
- 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,810 I will not rest until... Oh, ice cream!
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356 Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible" before proving the exact opposite.
- 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,192 You put in six bullets! Don't you know how to play Russian roulette?
- 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,736 No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along.
- 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,697 And now I know. Less bullets. Got it.
- 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,407 Don't worry, I can fix this.
- 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,493 Whoa! I don't want to go into too much detail here,
- 00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,954 but it turns out only some dogs go to heaven.
- 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,998 The other dogs are racist. White dogs.
- 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,586 Come on, come on.
- 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,174 Why didn't I just do two trips?
- 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,676 Hopefully none of those were Jen.
- 00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:01,180 Aisha, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats.
- 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,390 Ooh, that's Machine 25.
- 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,688 Come on, where are you, you basic bride?
- 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,191 Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market.
- 00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,321 What a night of distracting activities.
- 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,824 I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time.
- 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,869 Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it.
- 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,662 Anything for you, Red Goobler.
- 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,498 Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris?
- 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,627 It's a strong, beautiful name. It suits you, Chris.
- 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,587 Here, let me see your hand.
- 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,589 Oh, your hands are so warm.
- 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,965 Look at your stress line.
- 00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,927 It begins in your palm, travels all the way to your heart.
- 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,304 Mmm... That feels good.
- 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,392 Are we doing this?
- 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,103 Hey. Hey.
- 00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,689 Dude, buddy, come on, wake up. I need my stuff.
- 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,359 How is he sleeping through that alarm? It's, like, blaring.
- 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:03,075 I told you you'd get fucked.
- 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,410 I didn't know it was foreshadowing.
- 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,832 Oh, God. I just cheated on Jen. But I don't regret it.
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,711 - Does that mean we shouldn't get married? - No. You still need to get married. To me.
- 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,296 We're <i>Runaway Bride</i>-ing this shit.
- 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,763 This is it. We're done.
- 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,391 Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters and then they're gonna kill us,
- 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,811 - just like they did with Lance Armstrong. - He wasn't killed. They just took one nut.
- 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,438 I don't have any nuts. What are they going to take?
- 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,858 Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels.
- 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,860 Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics.
- 00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,778 I haven't even heard of it before.
- 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,030 Michelle Obama!
- 00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,699 Jesse, Yumy.
- 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,243 My two American superstars.
- 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,036 Um, hi, What's up, Mo?
- 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,455 Ever since I became president in this timeline,
- 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,541 I've been looking for heroes.
- 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,460 You two are the image of honesty and integrity,
- 00:13:55,544 --> 00:14:00,299 which is why I bet the entire US Treasury on you to win today.
- 00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,717 - Oh, man. That's legal? - Hell, yeah.
- 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,179 Bush was riding high after 9/11, and he lost it all on Wrestlemania.
- 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:09,308 So, the entire fate of the country relies on us winning honestly?
- 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,977 Yes, and if you lose, we'll have to close America,
- 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,730 and everyone in the world will know it's your fault.
- 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,318 - I'll admit, this has gone way too far. - You think?
- 00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,195 Let's say we didn't eat enough McDonald's,
- 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363 so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run.
- 00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,240 No, enough is enough.
- 00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,784 We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us.
- 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:28,952 This is done.
- 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,914 You're so right. It's time for us to stand up and come clean.
- 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,334 This charade ends now. Because what good is the fame,
- 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,002 the money, the sex,
- 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,214 the American Express commercials with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
- 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:45,260 You've won the hearts of millions with your speed,
- 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,346 but mostly with your integrity.
- 00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,472 - You betcha. - Thank you.
- 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:52,809 All of us in the country have chipped in to get you a little present.
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,062 Ten million dollars!
- 00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:59,775 A million for each second you took to run the mile today. Whew! So fast!
- 00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:06,740 We should have done this sooner. I've been searching for a life mate for years,
- 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,244 - not knowing one was inside me all along. - I'm yours forever, Korvi.
- 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,287 Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel.
- 00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,249 There's a fast, casual Mormon castle two miles away.
- 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,502 Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together as a couple while we drive.
- 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:22,714 <i>Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass. Brass tones...</i>
- 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:26,176 - Can we listen to something else? - Come on, give it a chance.
- 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,470 If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other,
- 00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:30,848 I honestly hate everything about this podcast.
- 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,349 Fine, my sweet.
- 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,976 What do you want to listen to?
- 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,522 <i>See, Ayahuasca might actually be the tree of life we've been searching for.</i>
- 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,774 <i>The healing properties are astronomical.</i>
- 00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:43,151 <i>Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet.</i>
- 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,736 This guy sucks. I don't like this.
- 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,573 What? Joe Roegan is our generation's Maya Angelou.
- 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,617 Our generation already has a Maya Angelou. It's Mark Cuban.
- 00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,369 - Hey, hon? - Yes, darling?
- 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,497 I love you, but you sound like an asshole when you say stuff like that.
- 00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,291 How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one?
- 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,960 Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene?
- 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,045 Damn it, I'm Gooblering. See what you made me do?
- 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,673 Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut.
- 00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,510 This isn't going to work, is it, Chris?
- 00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:09,845 I'm afraid it isn't.
- 00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:11,471 What have I done?
- 00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:13,682 I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen.
- 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,059 I'm an idiot. I always do this.
- 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,937 Maybe it's not too late. Maybe we can get you back for the wedding.
- 00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,814 - We don't have time. - We have plenty of...
- 00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,650 Shit, we gotta hurry. I forgot time always moves forward on this planet.
- 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,281 - You're such a bad driver. - I fucking hate you.
- 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,241 Uh, tell me about yourself.
- 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:36,163 Wait! Jen? Damn it, you're a rat.
- 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,249 Fuck it. I just have to make you awesome.
- 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,376 Red Goobler won't even notice the difference.
- 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,255 - Eree, eree. - Squea, squea.
- 00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,549 That's it. You guys sound cool as hell.
- 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:52,471 I just wanna say again, congrats on winning everything one could win,
- 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,097 and doing it without cheating.
- 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,684 I can't take it anymore. When are we going to learn a lesson?
- 00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:00,729 Usually getting away with things makes me feel good, but this blows!
- 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,273 Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw!
- 00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,652 Usually at this point in our adventures, we've learned a lesson.
- 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:08,445 I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.
- 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,989 Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh, God! I'm sweating and freezing.
- 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,366 We're in lesson withdrawal.
- 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:15,160 We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson.
- 00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,620 What? How? What can we do?
- 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,247 Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating.
- 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:20,874 But what if we cheated even more than ever before
- 00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,877 and use another sci-fi device to double down on cheating?
- 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,504 Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?
- 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,756 Well, we do have that Lessonalyzer Helmet,
- 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,217 but, I mean, we don't want to use that, do we?
- 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,138 Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?
- 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,182 Oh, yeah. It feels amazing.
- 00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,852 I learned "don't count your chickens before they hatch."
- 00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,645 Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,981 Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
- 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,650 - What did you get? -"Beer before liquor, never sicker."
- 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734 Oh, that's a good one.
- 00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,611 - You want another hit? - Fuck, yeah.
- 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:53,031 I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
- 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,492 That's the most <i>Solar Opposites</i> thing I've ever heard.
- 00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,618 Oh, yeah.
- 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,204 "The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushing."
- 00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,957 I got to remember that when I'm at the couch store.
- 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:09,381 We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room.
- 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,342 - I'm talking about the fucking. - No shit, you idiot.
- 00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,845 Why would you bring that up right now? I'm about to get married.
- 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,431 Sorry. I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married,
- 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,308 keeping us safe from your repressed rage.
- 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,821 Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing?
- 00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,407 Jen! Which one's Jen?
- 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,659 Oh, man. If you don't know, then I definitely don't.
- 00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,744 She's not here!
- 00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,370 Who the hell are these brides?
- 00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:42,164 Terry, what the hell? You didn't find her?
- 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,373 What do you mean, find her?
- 00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,000 What the fuck is going on?
- 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,168 Oh, wow. Where to begin?
- 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,337 - I turned that bitch into a rat. - What?
- 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,048 Ass, grass or gas? Nobody rides for free.
- 00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,967 Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags. You've ruined my life.
- 00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,469 You know what? Screw you, Red Chris.
- 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,429 You pillow-talk told me you didn't really love Jen.
- 00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,680 Yeah! This wasn't our fault.
- 00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,682 Wait. Pillow talk? Did you two doink?
- 00:19:00,766 --> 00:19:02,935 Nothing. Forget it. We banged. Shut up about it.
- 00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,187 The best way to cope with stress
- 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,563 is to confront it.
- 00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:12,402 Only then can you truly be happy, or at least satisfied a little bit.
- 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,738 She's right. You were my stress, Red Goobler.
- 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,033 I should have never gotten caught up trying to manage you or work with you.
- 00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,953 I have to set boundaries, by lasering your ass.
- 00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,042 Get fucked!
- 00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,628 God damn it. Now we're back where we started.
- 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,923 But we all learned a valuable lesson. At least you did, about stress.
- 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,801 And I guess the replicants did about cheating. I didn't learn anything at all.
- 00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:39,680 Give Terry the Lesson Helmet, so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us.
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,934 Whoa, I just learned that sometimes emotional stories
- 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,686 don't fit into a rigid structure,
- 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,980 and you just have to embrace the chaos and not worry about it.
- 00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,439 As a family.
- 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,716 If you feel like you haven't learned a lesson,
- 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:20,387 please visit www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.
- 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,140 You get the first lesson for free, but it's on the honor system after that,
- 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,516 so you have to send us money.
- 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,727 And if you agree to send the money, then you've learned a lesson.
- 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,771 And if you don't, you're a dick that steals from cartoons.
- 00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:08,329 ТОРГОВЫЙ ЦЕНТР «ГРЕТХЕН-ДАРТ»
- 00:00:11,889 --> 00:00:15,309 НАДПИСЬ НА ФУТБОЛКЕ: ПОСИГНАЛЬ, ЕСЛИ БЕЛОЖОПЫЙ
- 00:03:03,348 --> 00:03:05,898 НОРМАТИВЫ ПО АТЛЕТИКЕ И ДИАРЕЕ ОТ СТРЕССА
- 00:07:02,738 --> 00:07:03,898 ИЗЛУЧАТЕЛЬ КРЫСОТЫ
- 00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:40,058 ПРЕОБРАЖАТЕЛЬ КРАСОТЫ ПРЕОБРАЖАТЕЛЬ КРЫСОТЫ
- 00:08:15,827 --> 00:08:17,477 ДОБРО ПОЖАЛОВАТЬ В ЛАС-ВЕГАС
- 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:19,317 «ЗВЁЗДНАЯ ПЫЛЬ» «ФЛАМИНГО»
- 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,577 РЕГИОНАЛЬНЫЕ СОРЕВНОВАНИЯ
- 00:09:57,827 --> 00:09:59,347 1-Е МЕСТО: ДЖЕССИ И ЯМЮЛЯК
- 00:13:21,387 --> 00:13:23,257 ОЛИМПИЙСКИЕ ИГРЫ. СЕГОДНЯ! ЗАВТРА — НИЧЕГО
- 00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:59,777 ДЖЕССИ И ЯМЮЛЯК 10 МИЛЛИОНОВ ДОЛЛАРОВ
- 00:19:53,576 --> 00:19:56,496 Я стала счастливее, когда превратилась в крысу.
- 00:19:56,746 --> 00:19:58,866 Чуть не вышла за красную соплю.
- 00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,186 Но вот она я, в канализации,
- 00:20:00,226 --> 00:20:02,146 с кучей съедобного дерьма,
- 00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:05,166 и с тобой, Деннис. Самым красивым крысёнышем в городе.
- 00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:06,946 Пи-Пи-Пи-Пи-Пи.
- 00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,086 Повезло, что ты хорош в сексе,
- 00:20:09,096 --> 00:20:10,396 иначе бы у нас не срослось.
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