Очень солнечно праздничный противоположный выпуск

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(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

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(BELLS JINGLING)

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(LASER FIRE)

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Fa! La la! La la! La la!

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La! La!

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(GRUNTS)

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Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo.

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You decorated the shit

out of that tree, baby.

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Oh, I love this time of year, Terry.

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It reminds me of all the rule-heavy

Shlorpian holidays.

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I used to get so excited

for the Annual Elderly Hunt.

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Rituals, am I right?

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Did you know Christmas is strictly timed

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to the orbital path of the Earth around

the sun? How cool is that?

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For once, we can agree.

Christmas is the shit!

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There's so much candy and hot merch.

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Get your groove on,

Crappin' Santa. Dump that hot cocoa.

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So dark, so chocolate...

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You guys talking about Christmas?

I love presents!

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I don't know what's better,

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getting them or returning them

for store credit?

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And I love that we got to kill a tree.

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And that we're keeping

its body in the house.

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Sounds like we all love Christmas.

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All of us except the Pupa.

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He always disappears

around this time,

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because he hates Christmas.

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Christmas is the tits, Pupa.

W-w-what is your problem?

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Come on, don't ruin this

like you ruined Ramadan for us.

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You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.

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It's the most wonderful time of the year,

you fucking selfish prick!

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I could shake your branches

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and you can't do anything about it,

because you're dead.

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Shame on you, Pupa. You're such a Grinch.

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TERRY: That's right, get outta here!

Don't come back

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without serious Christmas spirit.

I wanna see gifts.

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That little jerk

will learn the true meaning of Christmas.

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You mean like candy cane

and meatball hot pockets.

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Fuck yes!

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(ALL MOANING)

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It's the Solar Opposites

Christmas Special.

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KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

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One hundred adults and their replicants

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were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

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searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

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We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

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That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

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I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

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This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

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Do you see me?

(STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.

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I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

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They love Christmas so much.

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Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.

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He was born in July,

he's allergic to pine trees.

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Deal with it.

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(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

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This is the time of year

where we are compelled

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to gather and celebrate the light

of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

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Thank you all for rejecting the

commercialization of the holiday.

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Only here in the house of God

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can your spirits truly be blessed.

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- Amen.

-(MAN SOBBING)

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Sorry to interrupt the service. I just...

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I've made a horrible mistake.

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My son came out

as a tiny bit bi last week,

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and I... I kicked him out of the house.

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I've ruined our lives. I miss him so much.

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(SOBBING)

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YUMYULACK AND JESSE: Christmas!

Christmas! Christmas! Christ...

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Shut the fuck up!

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Okay, kids, gather around.

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It's time for

our annual holiday tradition.

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Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?

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ALL: Me, me, me, me, me.

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I managed to get my grubby little paws

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on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.

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The Christian Science Monitor

says it's a must-watch.

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KORVO: Hold your butts.

Why watch Jingle All the Way

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when we can live Jingle All the Way?

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Remember when we went

and saw Ready Player One?

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No. But I wipe my mind

after seeing any movie

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where people don't steal

the Declaration of Independence.

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There was one scene in Ready Player One

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where that computer kid

went inside The Shining.

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Wait, they just

put a better movie inside their movie?

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Is this gonna take long?

'Cause it already is.

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That one scene was a good idea.

So I made the same device in real life.

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It's called the Ready Player One Device.

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Your machine names are starting

to suck, Korvo.

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Tough tatas, I don't care.

Prepare for holiday magic!

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(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

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(STATIC)

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So we went from our suburban house

to another suburban house? Amazing.

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Uh, why are we all dressed like this?

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The device only knows

how to replace one character,

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so we're all playing

Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.

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-(SIGHS) Hey, Dads.

-(CLEARS THROAT)

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(MIMICKING ARNOLD): Um, what's wrong, son?

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I want the Turbo Man action figure with

the arms and legs that move

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and the boomerang shooter

and the rock'n roller jet pack

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and the realistic voice activator

that says five different phrases

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like, "It's Turbo time!"

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Accessories sold separately,

batteries not included.

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Turbo Man? Yeah, right.

Those are sold out everywhere.

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- It's almost Christmas.

- Wow, really?

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That would make

Christmas so great.

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No, no. Listen, I'm saying

that would be imposs...

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JAMIE: Thanks, Dads.

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I guess in the movie,

our character agrees

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to get this stupid toy?

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Well, then he's a little bitch.

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Wait, this is what

Jingle All the Way is about?

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No Will Ferrell elves

or lady leg lamps?

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No, I guess it's just about

buying a hard-to-find doll.

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Whoever greenlit this movie

must have been on so much cocaine.

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Oh no. What? Wait, what the fuck?

Am I having a stroke?

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Oh God, please take my left side.

That's my ugly side.

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KORVO: No, no. We're just moving

to the next scene.

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I bet it's about to get

super Christmassy.

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Oh, okay, I guess

we're just going shopping.

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Outta my way!

My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,

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and nothing and nobody

is gonna stop me.

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Whoa, was that Sinbad?

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Ugh, not a good sign

for the quality of this film.

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The fuck is this movie?

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There's hardly

any snow or decorations

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or anything Christmassy.

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Oh, sorry, guys.

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I guess The Christian

Science Monitor's

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500 Best Holiday Movies list

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wasn't as strictly curated

as I assumed.

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This blows. Can we just quit?

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You don't want to find

that toy for Jamie?

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Fuck it. Let's bail.

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Well, that was

a waste of yuletide.

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L-let's split up and do

super Christmassy stuff

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to get that foul taste of

Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.

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Ooh, I call dibs

on calling Santa.

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(KEYPAD BEEPING) (LINE RINGING)

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SANTA: Ho ho ho!

Get your credit card ready.

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(DOOR CLOSES)

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MAN:

What you got here, little man?

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Huh? I don't know this guy.

He your friend?

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He kinda looks like Everett,

that little bit bi kid

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who's been working nights

at the bus station.

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(GROANS)

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- Are you excited to meet Santa?

- Sort of.

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I mean, I do love giving a list of demands

to a well-dressed stranger.

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Yeah. Something feels off.

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Ho ho ho.

Come on and sit on Santa's lap.

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Smile.

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Yeah, look how dry you are.

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I know you want this,

you thirsty little birch.

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Ooh, ooh, I'm spilling it.

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Too bad you don't have

any roots to soak it up.

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Hmm.

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SANTA: (OVER PHONE) Terry,

you don't seem into this.

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Why don't you deposit

another 50 bucks

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and we can talk about it?

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Who even cares?

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(CRYING)

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Why is this the only way

I can feel something?

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I know. I can't even enjoy

abusing this dead, sexy tree.

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Ugh.

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I feel an emptiness where there's usually

a glowing ember of holiday joy.

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And-and a little acid reflux

because I don't chew my food enough.

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Does anybody wanna go outside

and get hit by a bus with me?

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- Yeah, I'm in.

- Me too.

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Especially if it's number four.

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Wait!

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Aha! Exactly what I thought.

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AISHA: Scanning.

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Ship sensors indicate

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that our holiday spirit

is completely gone.

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-(GASPING)

- That can't be right. I love Christmas.

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Used to love Christmas.

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Now your holly and your jolly

have bottomed out.

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Jingle All the Way

must have sucked so hard

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that it killed

our Christmas spirit.

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That's why we all want

to cut ourselves?

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Is that why dead trees

don't make us all hard anymore?

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There has to be a way

to get our spirit back.

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Ooh, find someone cheerful

and drink their blood.

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Yes, of course. But also, we have to use

the Ready Player One device

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to go into better

holiday movies.

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It will be a pure injection

of fa-la-la to get our spirits back.

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You mean we can play parts

in all the Christmas classics?

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That's right.

The Solar Opposites are going

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into all your favorite

Christmas movies! Suck my ass!

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(MARIAH CAREY'S "ALL I WANT

FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU" PLAYING)

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I want to live!

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- I want to live!

- I want to live!

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I want a limited edition

Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch

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and to live!

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Nobody likes

our stupid fucking noses.

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Being different sucks.

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Oh, Rudolphs,

I like your red noses.

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I like your musk too.

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And I'm at the height of my cycle.

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I can tell.

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(NOSE SQUEAKING)

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- W-what are you doing out here...

- Shh!

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♪ Make my wish come true ♪

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♪ All I want

for Christmas is you ♪

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Check my Christmas spirit.

It's gotta be back.

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That should have done it.

00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,234

AISHA: Scanning.

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Your spirit is at zero percent.

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-(ALL GROAN)

- That can't be right.

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We've been celebrating

the holiday AF.

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(GRUNTS) The only thing

I can feel anymore is pain.

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Why is this happening to us?

00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:57,954

We must have

residual plot sickness

00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,664

from not finishing the plot

from Jingle All the Way.

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But the story sucked ass.

It had no stakes.

00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,418

Now, Kindergarten Cop,

that was an Arnold movie

00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,878

where you cared

if the kid lived or died.

00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,588

Yes, but the Ready Player One

Device doesn't know that.

00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,673

It's impartial.

00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,132

It cast us as the dad

which means

00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,510

that even if it wasn't enough

to carry a two-hour movie

00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,512

getting that toy

for Jamie was important.

00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:18,182

Huh, I guess I am filled with regret that

I wasn't a better father to Jamie.

00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,142

When we bailed,

we only jingled part of the way.

00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,352

Christmas is tomorrow.

00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:22,770

If we don't get our spirit back

before it ends,

00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:24,438

- we never will.

- Are you sure?

00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,190

Remember what happened

with Veteran's Day?

00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,776

We lost our Veteran's Day spirit and now

we don't support the troops.

00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,653

Okay, so what do we do?

Convert to Jewishism?

00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,114

No, Terrence,

there's only one thing we can do.

00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:35,283

We have to go back.

Back to the Jingleverse.

00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,952

And this time,

we have to jingle all the way

00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,413

and take back

our Christmas spirit.

00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:49,130

Yeah, that's Everett.

Good worker. Sad to see him go.

00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,257

He's on the 736 to Las Vegas.

00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,093

Says he's gonna find himself

a new life away from his family

00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:57,722

where he can be a little bit

of whatever he wants.

00:09:57,805 --> 00:09:59,557

(ENGINE REVVING)

00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,020

-(SCREAMS)

-(TIRES SCREECH)

00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,656

You don't want to

sit next to me. Nobody does.

00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,753

(DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING)

00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,507

Whoa, what happened here?

00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:36,510

Oh, gross. It smells like

a Sharpie creampied a tire.

00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,430

Oh no. Oh shit. Okay.

Apparently, it's 80 years later here.

00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,223

I guess time moves a lot faster

in the Jingleverse

00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,308

than it does in the real world.

00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,392

This isn't gonna work.

00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,227

It's even less Christmassy

than before.

00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,396

Maybe it's not so bad.

Look, there's Santa.

00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,482

-(FLIES BUZZING)

-(ALL SCREAM)

00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,651

(dog barking in distance)

00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,570

(grunting)

00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,489

Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.

00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,451

-(MAN SCREAMING)

-(HISSING, SNARLING)

00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,328

Hey, fuck you.

Go hiss at someone else.

00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:03,579

(growling)

00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,248

Are you crazy?

Get in here. Hurry.

00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:10,336

TERRY:

Who the hell were those guys?

00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:11,921

Mutant Sinbads.

00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,131

They roam the streets

searching for Turbo Man toys.

00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,841

They're quick to violence

and prey on the weak.

00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,260

Mutants? There can't be mutants

in a Christmas movie.

00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,887

These are completely

shoehorned in.

00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,348

Like that spider-tank

from the end of Wild Wild West.

00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,475

(SCOFFS) We haven't celebrated

Christmas in years.

00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,060

Not since Jamie took over.

00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,311

Wait, that's our son.

00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,105

All four of us aliens, we're his father.

00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,606

I know it's a little confusing,

just go with it.

00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,608

Well, you did a shit

job raising him.

00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,443

Your son famously

hates Christmas.

00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,487

He wanted to get rid of

any holiday activity

00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,905

ever since you promised

to get him

00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,740

a Turbo Man toy then

abandoned him.

00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:40,825

It's all in his book.

00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,786

Through his media empire

and immense wealth,

00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,414

Jamie transformed this town

into an Escape From New York,

00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,834

Children of Men,

13 Going on 30 type dystopia.

00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:53,421

Worst part is, he still

makes us have a Wintertainment Parade

00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,798

at 11:45 p.m. on Christmas.

00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,843

What a weirdly specific time.

And a terrible name for a parade.

00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:00,136

It's canon, trust me.

00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,054

Now the parade is filled

with mutants,

00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,431

savages wearing mattresses,

00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,474

and demented karate-chopping Santas.

00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,184

You know, 'cause Jamie

did karate as a kid

00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,311

and his dad worked as

a mattress salesman or some shit.

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,440

Wow. I've never met a more

backstory-explaining character in my life.

00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,734

All characters

in the Jingleverse are shallow.

00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,277

That's part of the movie's DNA.

00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,362

I'm also stalling

so my friends can kill you

00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,780

and help me cook your bodies.

00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,283

Reavers, it's time to feast!

00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,701

We have the meats.

00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,121

Wait, why are you saying

the tag line from Arby's?

00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:29,123

Do-do they still have Arby's

in the Jingleverse?

00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,667

What the fuck is an Arby's?

That's just what I say.

00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,502

Stop! No, you don't have

to do this.

00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,629

-(GUNSHOTS)

-(SCREAMING)

00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:40,009

I stole Jimmy Stewart's gun

from It's a Wonderful Life.

00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,011

Good stealing. Give me that.

You'll shoot your eye out.

00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,180

Alright, Korv, Christmas

is almost over. What's the plan?

00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,848

I have an idea. It's a long shot,

00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,725

and it sounded

really stupid way back at the beginning,

00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,685

but if we want

our Christmas spirit back,

00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,854

then we'll have to get Jamie

that Turbo Man toy.

00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,231

Oh please. You really think

we can finish that plot

00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,941

when everyone is trying

to eat each other?

00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,444

We have to. Let's all spread out

and search for a Turbo Man.

00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,238

Since when did Jimmy Stewart

have a gun in that movie?

00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,532

Everyone used to carry

a gun back then.

00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,659

Shirley Temple used

to keep one up her hoo-ha.

00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,620

That's what

the song Lollipop is about.

00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,371

YUMYULACK: Duh.

Everyone knows that.

00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,623

(DOOR SLAMS)

00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:13,209

(BELL TOLLING)

00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,293

KORVO:

We're running out of time.

00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:15,878

Meet back here in an hour.

00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,671

And remember, don't forget

to spread the Christmas cheer.

00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,799

(GROWLING)

00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,634

Uh... M-merry Christmas.

00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:25,012

♪ I don't want a lot

for Christmas ♪

00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:26,388

(ZOMBIES MOANING)

00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,098

Ho ho ho!

00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,812

Aah! Snowflakes, sugar plums,

uh, shitty orange chocolate.

00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,065

♪ I just want you for my own ♪

00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,734

Oh! Oh, what fun it is

00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,737

to ride on a one horse...

(HEAVES)

00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,824

A one-horse open...

(HEAVES)

00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,327

♪ All I want for Christmas

is you ♪

00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:49,411

(DOOR OPENS)

00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,747

No way! Nobody wants me here.

00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,250

- Everett.

- Dad?

00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,628

Son, I love you. I am so sorry.

00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,089

I... I thought you

didn't want me to be a little bit bi.

00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,382

I was so wrong.

00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:04,009

That was super-disgusting

and stupid of me.

00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,720

Plus I found out Anna Paquin

is also a little bit bi,

00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,931

and she's an integral part

of the X-Men.

00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,641

You read my LiveJournal.

00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,403

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:24,530

Did anybody find

a goddamn Turbo Man?

00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,156

I found a bunch of Turbo Women.

00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,784

No, those suck.

They were just a cash grab.

00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,369

This is stupid. Why

can't we just use

00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,746

- our sci-fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?

- I already tried.

00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,457

My 3D printer won't break copyright

unless we're in Guam.

00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,501

(GROANS)

Let's just let the mutants eat us.

00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,295

Better than living the

rest of our lives

00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,629

without being merry or bright.

00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,214

Argh! I wish I never

made us watch

00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,465

stupid Jingle All the Way.

00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,800

I should have picked

a regular Christmas movie,

00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,094

like Die Hard or Gremlins

or Piranha 3D.

00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,930

Shut the fuck up, Terry.

We'd be in the exact same situation.

00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,724

- Those aren't Christmas movies.

- They are too.

00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,143

Any movie that takes place

on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.

00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,269

I guess Piranha 3D doesn't.

00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:56,854

(GASPS) It's Christmas right now.

00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,188

Yeah, we get it. We're fucked.

00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,648

Aha! But we aren't.

00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,859

We just have to finish any plot

with Jamie in it.

00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:04,778

It will count as a Christmas movie

'cause it'll be on Christmas.

00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,072

That doesn't seem right.

I-i-is that how it works?

00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,575

Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have

to finish Jingle All the Way.

00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:11,035

We just have to finish any story.

00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,454

Then we'll end this thing

by apologizing to the little boy

00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:15,205

for something we

did 80 years ago

00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:16,999

and save the fuck out of Christmas.

00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,083

(SHOTGUN CLICKS)

00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:24,006

I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick

Everett out of the house

00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,257

for being a little bit bi.

00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,718

Gay, straight, any amount of bi,

00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,345

I love him no matter what.

00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,599

And I now believe everyone

should just be whoever they are.

00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,100

That's what Christ would want.

00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,852

- ALL: Amen.

- Thanks, Dad.

00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,020

Don't thank me.

00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,939

Thank this little blue stranger

00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,608

for bringing our family together

for Christmas.

00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,944

Is there anything in this world

I can give you

00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:48,238

that even comes close

to what you've given me?

00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,950

(INAUDIBLE)

00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,409

Really?

00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,411

And it's just locked up

in a child-proof cabinet?

00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,998

Jamie lives up there,

in the penthouse.

00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,583

He's clearly done well for himself.

00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,251

- I'm so proud of our little boy.

-(KORVO GASPS)

00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,837

(OMINOUS MARCHING BAND

MUSIC PLAYING)

00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:07,007

(SNARLING, HISSING)

00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,176

JESSE: Aw great,

it's the Christmas Parade.

00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,345

That means it's 11:45 p.m.

00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,555

We only have 15 minutes

until Christmas is over.

00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,265

I knew that time was specific

for a reason.

00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,476

What are we gonna do?

They're parading right at us.

00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,561

Put me on the naughty list, bitch.

00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,025

ALL: Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,777

Hey, I know you assholes.

00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,529

Us? No, no, no, we're

just a couple

00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,656

of demented karate-chopping

Santas. Hyah!

00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,783

Fuck that shit.

We're gonna eat you.

00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:36,537

Reavers, it's time to feast!

Where's the beef?

00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,455

KORVO: Okay, you have to know

that tag line's from Wendy's.

00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,082

It's-it's like the

most famous one.

00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,584

(ALL SCREAMING)

00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:45,671

(ALL PANTING)

00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:46,755

KORVO: I think we lost them.

00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,424

Oh god, I got

some brain in my mouth.

00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,259

(GAGS)

00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:53,387

I'm seeing a lot of guards

with crazy-ass apocalypse weapons.

00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:55,639

And one guy is jerking off

in the bathroom.

00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,434

Jesus! He's really going to town.

He's fingering his own butt.

00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,560

Damn it. We're so fucked.

00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,395

Guys who jerk off

are always stronger afterwards.

00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,147

They're gonna find us, man.

We're running out of time.

00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,773

- What are we gonna do?

-(KNIVES UNSHEATHING)

00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:09,945

Plenty of time to carve

these fuckers new assholes

00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,864

and get home in time

for hot cocoa.

00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,199

The little alien girl is right.

We can do this.

00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,412

No weapons?

00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,705

I've been learning how to do

00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:20,831

single blow death punches

00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,166

as a Christmas surprise for you.

00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,876

Terry, that is so thoughtful.

00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,295

How did you know

I love overclocked martial arts movies?

00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:27,421

I pay attention.

00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,262

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,977

(SCREAMING)

00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,146

(TECHNO "DANCE OF THE

SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" MUSIC PLAYING)

00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,564

(BELL DINGS)

00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,200

-(GUNSHOTS)

-(MEN SCREAM)

00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:10,547

(GROWLS)

00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,257

(GROANS)

00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,261

(GROWLING)

00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:36,949

Jamie, your daddies are home.

00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:39,576

And we're here to apologize,

you little angel.

00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,995

(CACKLING)

00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:44,832

(MACHINERY WHIRRING, CLANKING)

00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,293

You're late, fathers.

00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,672

Eighty years too late.

00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:54,299

Eww. His body's as crooked

and deformed as his soul.

00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,426

You've been making

Sinbad clones in here?

00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,886

I'm disappointed in you, son.

00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,889

We came here to apologize

for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.

00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,725

I already have a Turbo Man.

00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,270

I have all the Turbo Men.

00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:08,605

I refuse your pathetic apology.

00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:11,441

Where were you

when I needed a father?

00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,610

Look, man, in a world

with infinite streaming options,

00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,946

there just isn't any pressure

to finish watching what you start.

00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,198

I only watched an episode

and a half of Umbrella Academy.

00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,868

Could you just accept

our apology and stop being such a dick?

00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,538

When you abandoned me,

I realized I could only rely on myself.

00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:28,584

I built my empire and my army

of mutant clones to...

00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,919

No one cares. We only have

one minute of Christmas left.

00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,463

Just accept our apology

and finish this fucking story.

00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,841

Eat shit, Daddy. (CACKLING)

00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,926

He's never gonna let us finish

our emotional journeys,

00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,303

but we have to wrap something up here.

00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:40,429

W-what do we do?

00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,222

Jamie used to be such a good boy.

00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,683

I can't believe he turned

into the bad gu...

00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,393

Wait a minute.

00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,438

Coming over to beg me more, Dad?

00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:50,898

Oh sweetie, no.

00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,692

I'm coming over to beat the shit

out of the bad guy

00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,402

and finish this damn movie.

00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,531

- My tooth!

-(GASPS) My heart!

00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,241

Oh my god, it's working.

00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,831

Guys, Jamie's not

our loving son anymore.

00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,333

He's the bad guy.

00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,752

All we have to do is kick

this old man's dick into his ass,

00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,545

and then we'll get

our spirits back.

00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:16,506

She's right, that felt great.

00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,343

Father. No!

00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,386

I have the spirit

of Christmas again.

00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,804

KORVO: I feel amazing.

00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,723

NARRATOR: Against all odds,

00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:28,310

each time the aliens struck

the withered old asshole,

00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,397

their hearts grew bigger

and bigger, filling with Christmas joy

00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,692

until they were ready to burst.

00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,331

This blood tastes

like Christmas.

00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,708

I feel brimming

with huggy holiday jingle joy.

00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,753

We all do, because we killed

our son as a family,

00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,880

and doing things

as a family on Christmas

00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,341

is the most Christmassy

Christmas shit of all.

00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,968

I love you guys.

00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264

Do we really have

to watch the credits?

00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:06,473

I don't know. Look at all

the shit that happened

00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:07,933

after we bailed early last time.

00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:09,184

Best to play it safe.

00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,937

Rita Wilson had two assistants?

00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,773

- How long are these credits?

- It can't be much longer.

00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:16,733

It didn't seem like it took

too many people to make this thing.

00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,527

Wait, wait, wait,

I think they're over.

00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,532

Second Unit in Canada. Boo!

00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,242

Fuck! Oh god!

00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:28,578

You know, that might have been

00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,414

a big, stupid, annoying,

stupid, shitty thing to do,

00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,874

but in the end, I'm glad

we spent Christmas together.

00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,042

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,627

We learned that spending time

as a family

00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:38,505

is more important than trying

to finish the plot of a '90s comedy.

00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:40,674

And if you think about it,

that was what Jingle All the Way

00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,342

was trying to teach us all along.

00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:43,760

(WHISTLING)

00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,054

Damn it, how did the Pupa get

his Harry Potter whistle again?

00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,098

Terry, I thought you locked it up

in the child-proof cabinets,

00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:49,558

where we keep the poison darts.

00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,226

I did, I did, I put it behind

the poison darts.

00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,936

That song is so annoying.

00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,938

You didn't even do any

of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.

00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,690

- You're bad.

- How does he keep getting that thing?

00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:58,317

Is he, like, out getting help?

00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,903

Who would do that?

He can't even complete a full sentence.

00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,740

Merry Christmas, everyone.

00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:08,035

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:51,453

(MIMICKING LASER FIRE)

00:00:27,954 --> 00:00:29,401

Охренеть, Корво.

00:00:29,484 --> 00:00:31,361

Ну ты разукрасил это деревце, чувак!

00:00:31,444 --> 00:00:33,271

Обожаю это время года, Терри.

00:00:33,355 --> 00:00:36,397

Напоминает мне все наши

праздники на Шлорпе.

00:00:36,481 --> 00:00:39,243

Я так любил ежегодную охоту на стариков.

00:00:39,326 --> 00:00:40,545

Ритуалы, да?

00:00:40,629 --> 00:00:43,809

Ты знал, что Рождество строго привязано

к обороту Земли вокруг Солнца?

00:00:43,892 --> 00:00:44,927

Охренительно, да?

00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:47,249

Хоть раз мы сошлись:

Рождество – это нечто.

00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,265

Столько разных конфет

и крутых прибамбасов!

00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:52,210

Давай, какающий Санта!

Сделай горячий шоколад!

00:00:52,293 --> 00:00:54,200

Потемнее и пошоколаднее!

00:00:54,284 --> 00:00:57,666

Ребята, вы про Рождество говорите?

Я обожаю подарки.

00:00:57,752 --> 00:00:58,729

Не знаю, что лучше,

00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:00,922

получать их или возвращать

в магазин и забирать деньги.

00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:02,892

А мне нравится, что мы убили дерево.

00:01:02,976 --> 00:01:04,949

И оставили его труп в доме.

00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,720

Кажется, мы все любим Рождество.

00:01:06,804 --> 00:01:09,118

Все, кроме Пупы.

00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:11,051

Он обычно в это время просто исчезает,

00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:12,812

потому что ненавидит Рождество.

00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:15,748

Рождество шикарное, Пупа!

Что у тебя за проблемы?

00:01:15,837 --> 00:01:18,489

Хватит, Пупа, не порти Рождество,

как уже испортил Рамадан!

00:01:18,573 --> 00:01:20,485

Где твой рождественский дух, Пупа?

00:01:20,568 --> 00:01:24,255

Это лучшее время года,

ты, эгоистичный ублюдок!

00:01:24,339 --> 00:01:27,469

Я могу трясти твои ветки,

и ты ничего не поделаешь,

00:01:27,553 --> 00:01:28,467

потому что мертва!

00:01:28,550 --> 00:01:30,753

Стыдись, Пупа. Ты как Гринч!

00:01:31,688 --> 00:01:32,863

Вот так! Проваливай!

00:01:32,946 --> 00:01:36,181

Не возвращайся, пока не проникнешься

духом Рождества! Или с подарками!

00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,859

Однажды этот маленький козел

осознает настоящий смысл Рождества!

00:01:38,942 --> 00:01:41,621

Ты про конфетки и горячие фрикадельки?

00:01:41,704 --> 00:01:42,858

Черт, да!

00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:47,694

Это Рождество пришельцев

с «Обратной стороны Земли»!

00:01:48,682 --> 00:01:50,868

Планета Шлорп была идеальной утопией.

00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,988

Пока не упал астероид.

00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,392

Сто взрослых и их репликанты взяли по Пупе

00:01:56,475 --> 00:01:58,085

и сбежали в космос

00:01:58,169 --> 00:02:00,801

в поисках нового дома

в незаселённых мирах.

00:02:01,328 --> 00:02:02,402

Мы упали на Землю

00:02:02,485 --> 00:02:04,376

и застряли на перенаселённой планете.

00:02:04,459 --> 00:02:06,000

Всё это время говорил я.

00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,883

Я держу Пупу. Я Корво.

00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:09,521

И это моё шоу. Я уронил Пупу.

00:02:09,604 --> 00:02:11,659

Видите меня? Это смешно.

00:02:11,743 --> 00:02:13,504

Ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом.

00:02:13,587 --> 00:02:16,012

Люди глупые. Они любят Рождество,

00:02:16,096 --> 00:02:17,802

но угадайте что?

Иисус был инопланетянином.

00:02:17,885 --> 00:02:20,265

Он родился в июле, и у него

аллергия на хвойные деревья.

00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:21,193

Живите с этим.

00:02:21,276 --> 00:02:25,773

ПРИШЕЛЬЦЫ С «ОБРАТНОЙ СТОРОНЫ ЗЕМЛИ»

00:02:40,365 --> 00:02:46,170

В это время года мы собираемся

и отмечаем Рождество Господа нашего

00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:47,951

и спасителя Иисуса Христа.

00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,844

Спасибо, что не поддались

коммерциализации праздника.

00:02:51,928 --> 00:02:54,015

Ведь только здесь, в доме Божьем,

00:02:54,138 --> 00:02:56,851

ваши души могут быть

по-настоящему благословлены.

00:02:56,995 --> 00:02:58,010

Аминь.

00:02:59,873 --> 00:03:01,874

Простите, что прервал службу, я просто…

00:03:01,957 --> 00:03:03,620

Совершил ужасную ошибку.

00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:06,967

На той неделе мой сын признался,

что он немножечко би,

00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:09,527

и я выгнал его из дома.

00:03:09,614 --> 00:03:13,239

Я разрушил наши жизни.

Я так по нему скучаю.

00:03:17,942 --> 00:03:21,012

Рождество! Рождество!

Рождество! Рождество!

00:03:21,095 --> 00:03:22,239

Заткнитесь оба!

00:03:22,643 --> 00:03:23,846

Детишки, собирайтесь,

00:03:23,929 --> 00:03:25,743

время для нашей праздничной традиции.

00:03:25,826 --> 00:03:27,645

Кто хочет посмотреть рождественский фильм?

00:03:27,728 --> 00:03:28,655

Я, я, я, я!

00:03:28,738 --> 00:03:33,195

Мне удалось достать копию

«Подарка на Рождество» на видеокассете.

00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:35,268

«Христианский вестник»

назвал этот фильм лучшим.

00:03:35,351 --> 00:03:36,131

Придержи коней.

00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:40,180

Зачем смотреть фильм,

если мы можем прожить его?

00:03:40,848 --> 00:03:42,850

Помните, мы смотрели

«Первому игроку приготовиться»?

00:03:42,934 --> 00:03:44,829

Нет, но я стираю себе память

после каждого фильма,

00:03:44,913 --> 00:03:46,966

где герои не крадут

Декларацию независимости.

00:03:47,049 --> 00:03:50,553

В «Первому игроку приготовиться» была

сцена, где пацан попал внутрь «Сияния».

00:03:50,636 --> 00:03:52,925

Стоп, они просто засунули

крутой фильм в свой?

00:03:53,008 --> 00:03:55,218

Ты долго будешь объяснять? Уже надоело.

00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:58,307

Эта сцена была крутой, так что я сделал

такое же устройство в реальности.

00:03:58,391 --> 00:04:00,390

Называется «Первому игроку приготовиться».

00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:02,759

Ты не заморачиваешься

с названиями, Корво.

00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:05,681

А мне наплевать. Приготовьтесь

к волшебству праздника!

00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,233

ПРЕДУПРЕЖДЕНИЕ ОТ ФБР

00:04:13,282 --> 00:04:16,214

ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО

00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:21,032

Мы перенеслись из одного пригородного

дома в другой? Потрясающе.

00:04:21,116 --> 00:04:22,251

Почему мы так одеты?

00:04:22,335 --> 00:04:24,059

Устройство может заменить

только одного персонажа,

00:04:24,143 --> 00:04:27,272

так что мы все играем роль

Арнольда Шварценеггера.

00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,493

Привет, папы.

00:04:29,924 --> 00:04:31,406

Что случилось, сынок?

00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:34,495

Я хотел фигурку Турбомена

с двигающимися руками и ногами,

00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,507

стрелялкой-бумерангом, крутым джетом

00:04:36,591 --> 00:04:39,440

и голосовым модулем, который

произносит пять разных фраз

00:04:39,524 --> 00:04:41,445

типа: «Время Турбо!»

00:04:41,529 --> 00:04:43,644

Батарейки не входят в комплект.

00:04:43,728 --> 00:04:46,987

Турбомена? Их везде распродали,

ведь скоро Рождество.

00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:49,222

Правда? Рождество было бы таким крутым!

00:04:49,305 --> 00:04:50,927

Да, но купить негде…

00:04:51,010 --> 00:04:52,079

Спасибо, папы!

00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:57,649

Видимо, наш герой в фильме

согласился купить тупую игрушку?

00:04:57,733 --> 00:04:58,888

Ну тогда он идиот.

00:04:58,971 --> 00:05:01,063

Стоп, вот о чем этот фильм?

00:05:01,146 --> 00:05:03,245

Никакого Уилла Феррелла-эльфа

или красивых тёлок?

00:05:03,329 --> 00:05:06,050

Нет, кажется, фильм

о покупке редкой игрушки.

00:05:06,134 --> 00:05:08,676

Тот, кто выпустил фильм

в прокат, был под чем-то.

00:05:08,759 --> 00:05:11,030

Какого черта? У меня инсульт?

00:05:11,114 --> 00:05:13,185

О боже, пусть на левую сторону,

правая красивая!

00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:16,814

Нет, мы переходим к следующей сцене.

Рождественский дух полным ходом!

00:05:18,038 --> 00:05:20,489

А, нет, мы просто идём в магазин.

00:05:20,572 --> 00:05:23,016

Прочь с дороги! Мой сын хочет Турбомена,

00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,376

и ничто и никто меня не остановит!

00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,721

Это Синбад?

00:05:26,819 --> 00:05:28,548

Фильм явно не очень качественный.

00:05:28,631 --> 00:05:29,756

Что за дурацкий фильм?

00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,428

Тут почти нет снега, украшений

или чего-то рождественского.

00:05:32,511 --> 00:05:33,851

Ох, простите, ребята.

00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,675

Видимо, 500 лучших фильмов о Рождестве

из «Христианского вестника» –

00:05:36,758 --> 00:05:38,337

не лучший источник.

00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:40,279

Так тупо, мы можем вернуться?

00:05:40,363 --> 00:05:41,739

А как же игрушка для Джейми?

00:05:41,822 --> 00:05:43,188

К черту. Валим.

00:05:45,232 --> 00:05:46,602

Только зря настроение испортили.

00:05:46,686 --> 00:05:48,908

Давайте разделимся и займёмся

чем-то очень рождественским,

00:05:48,991 --> 00:05:51,528

чтобы избавиться от жуткого

духа «Подарка на Рождество».

00:05:51,611 --> 00:05:53,512

Тогда я буду звонить Санте!

00:05:55,024 --> 00:05:57,847

Хо-хо-хо! Приготовьте кредитную карту!

00:05:58,887 --> 00:06:00,785

БЕСПЛАТНАЯ ЕДА

00:06:05,385 --> 00:06:06,812

Что у тебя тут, малыш?

00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:09,113

Не знаю этого парня, он твой друг?

00:06:09,204 --> 00:06:11,516

Похоже на Эверетта,

пацана, который немножко би

00:06:11,599 --> 00:06:13,812

и работает вечерами на автобусной станции.

00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:18,649

ТОРГОВЫЙ ЦЕНТР

00:06:18,732 --> 00:06:22,007

ДЁШЕВО И КРУТО

00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:24,996

- Ты хочешь встретиться с Сантой?

- Ну типа.

00:06:25,079 --> 00:06:27,873

С удовольствием отдам список желаний

хорошо одетому незнакомцу.

00:06:27,956 --> 00:06:30,313

Да, что-то не так.

00:06:30,396 --> 00:06:33,823

Хо-хо-хо, ну же, сядьте Санте на колени.

00:06:34,584 --> 00:06:35,821

Улыбнитесь!

00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:38,209

СЧАСТЛИВОГО РОЖДЕСТВА!

00:06:39,791 --> 00:06:40,959

Смотри, какая ты сухая.

00:06:41,042 --> 00:06:43,434

Знаю, ты этого хочешь,

жадная маленькая зараза.

00:06:43,517 --> 00:06:45,246

Ой, я всё пролил.

00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:47,826

Жаль, у тебя нет корней,

чтобы впитать воду.

00:06:50,271 --> 00:06:51,767

Терри, тебе, кажется, не нравится.

00:06:51,851 --> 00:06:54,846

Заплати ещё 50 баксов, и мы это обсудим.

00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:56,370

Всем плевать.

00:06:58,278 --> 00:07:01,375

Почему я только это и чувствую?

00:07:01,458 --> 00:07:05,008

Да, мне тоже не нравится издеваться

над этим мёртвым деревом!

00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:11,429

Я чувствую пустоту там, где обычно

горит искорка праздничной радости

00:07:11,512 --> 00:07:13,998

и кислотная отрыжка,

потому что я быстро жевал.

00:07:14,081 --> 00:07:17,276

Кто-нибудь хочет выйти на улицу

и кинуться со мной под автобус?

00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,860

- Да, я с тобой.

- Я тоже

00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:20,672

Особенно если это четвёртый номер.

00:07:20,756 --> 00:07:21,733

Подождите!

00:07:22,618 --> 00:07:24,944

Ага! Так я и думал!

00:07:25,637 --> 00:07:26,492

Сканирую.

00:07:26,575 --> 00:07:29,912

Сенсоры корабля считали,

что наш праздничный дух исчез!

00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:33,101

Быть не может! Я люблю Рождество!

00:07:33,185 --> 00:07:34,325

Любила Рождество,

00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:36,801

а теперь твоё праздничное

настроение полностью исчезло.

00:07:36,884 --> 00:07:38,698

Видимо, «Подарок на Рождество»

был настолько ужасен,

00:07:38,781 --> 00:07:40,161

что убил рождественский дух.

00:07:40,244 --> 00:07:42,009

Поэтому мы все хотим резать себя?

00:07:42,093 --> 00:07:44,166

Поэтому нас больше

не заводят мёртвые деревья?

00:07:44,249 --> 00:07:46,350

Должен быть способ вернуть нам настроение.

00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,187

Найти кого-то весёлого и выпить его кровь?

00:07:48,271 --> 00:07:50,214

Да, конечно, но ещё нам

придётся использовать

00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:53,083

«Первому игроку приготовиться»

и отправиться в праздничный фильм получше.

00:07:53,166 --> 00:07:56,069

Это будет прямое вливание

праздничного духа.

00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,772

То есть мы сможем сыграть

во всех рождественских фильмах?

00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:03,194

Всё верно, пришельцы с обратной стороны

Земли отправятся в любимые фильмы!

00:08:04,121 --> 00:08:05,073

Я хочу жить!

00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,060

- Я хочу жить!

- Я хочу жить!

00:08:07,151 --> 00:08:09,951

Я хочу ограниченное издание

«Перекрестка животных» для Nintendo Switch

00:08:10,034 --> 00:08:11,255

и жить!

00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:15,751

Никому не нравятся наши идиотские носы.

00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:17,166

Плохо, когда отличаешься.

00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:20,066

Рудольф, мне нравится твой красный нос.

00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,938

И твой запах.

00:08:22,072 --> 00:08:24,043

А ещё у меня сейчас течка.

00:08:24,126 --> 00:08:25,400

Я так и подумал!

00:08:31,066 --> 00:08:32,685

Что ты тут делаешь?

00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:33,977

А ну, заткнись!

00:08:34,093 --> 00:08:34,961

Никто не идеален!

00:08:35,045 --> 00:08:37,095

Счастливого Рождества!

Пожалуйста, измени мужу со мной.

00:08:37,178 --> 00:08:38,638

Эпштейн не покончил с собой!

00:08:41,859 --> 00:08:44,147

Проверь мой рождественский дух!

Он должен вернуться!

00:08:44,231 --> 00:08:45,307

Сработало?

00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:46,292

Сканирую.

00:08:46,386 --> 00:08:48,285

Ваш дух на нуле.

00:08:48,817 --> 00:08:49,717

Быть не может,

00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,782

мы же праздновали Рождество!

00:08:52,207 --> 00:08:54,111

Я могу чувствовать только боль!

00:08:54,194 --> 00:08:56,436

Почему это с нами происходит!

00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:58,232

Видимо, у нас случилось сюжетное

расстройство из-за того,

00:08:58,316 --> 00:08:59,894

что мы не доиграли «Подарок на Рождество».

00:08:59,978 --> 00:09:02,033

Но история была тупая и неинтересная.

00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:04,407

В «Детсадовском полицейском»

хотя бы интересно,

00:09:04,491 --> 00:09:05,854

помрёт пацан или нет.

00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:08,622

Да, но устройство этого не знает.

Оно беспристрастно.

00:09:08,705 --> 00:09:10,181

И он сделал нас папами, а значит,

00:09:10,264 --> 00:09:12,551

даже если это не стоило

двухчасовых мучений,

00:09:12,634 --> 00:09:14,240

достать игрушку Джейми было важно.

00:09:14,323 --> 00:09:18,224

Кажется, я чувствую сожаление,

что была Джейми плохим отцом.

00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,152

Когда мы сбежали,

мы оставили его без подарка.

00:09:20,236 --> 00:09:23,658

Надо вернуть настроение до конца

Рождества, сейчас или никогда!

00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:26,076

- Ты уверен?

- Помните, что было в день ветеранов?

00:09:26,159 --> 00:09:29,030

У нас испортилось настроение,

и мы больше не поддерживаем солдат!

00:09:29,113 --> 00:09:30,853

Что же нам сделать? Перейти в иудейство?

00:09:30,936 --> 00:09:33,191

Нет, Терранс, есть только один способ.

00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:35,360

Мы должны вернуться назад.

Во вселенную «Подарка».

00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,035

И на этот раз мы должны достать подарок

00:09:38,118 --> 00:09:40,438

и вернуть себе рождественское настроение!

00:09:40,561 --> 00:09:42,230

ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО

00:09:45,954 --> 00:09:49,125

Да, это Эверетт. Хороший работник,

жаль, что уезжает.

00:09:49,215 --> 00:09:51,396

Он едет на 736-м в Лас-Вегас.

00:09:51,479 --> 00:09:57,672

Найдёт себе новую жизнь подальше от семьи

и сможет быть тем, кем захочет.

00:10:13,063 --> 00:10:15,687

Ты не хочешь сидеть рядом со мной.

Никто не хочет.

00:10:26,823 --> 00:10:28,847

ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО

00:10:31,971 --> 00:10:33,506

Эй, что тут случилось?

00:10:33,608 --> 00:10:36,608

Фу, воняет так, как будто

маркер отымел шину.

00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:39,420

О нет. Оказывается, прошло 80 лет.

00:10:39,503 --> 00:10:41,341

Видимо, во вселенной фильма

время идёт гораздо быстрее,

00:10:41,424 --> 00:10:42,281

чем в реальности.

00:10:42,365 --> 00:10:45,220

Ничего не получится! Тут стало ещё хуже!

00:10:45,303 --> 00:10:47,705

Может, всё не так плохо.

Смотрите, тут Санта.

00:10:54,716 --> 00:10:56,626

Это парень что, гадит? Фу!

00:11:00,420 --> 00:11:02,453

Да пошли вы! Шипите на кого-то другого!

00:11:04,239 --> 00:11:06,270

С ума сошли? Сюда, скорее!

00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:10,559

Это кто вообще такие?!

00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:11,930

Мутанты-Синбады,

00:11:12,023 --> 00:11:14,214

шляются по улицам

в поисках игрушек-Турбоменов.

00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,932

Они жестоки и беспощадны к слабым!

00:11:16,015 --> 00:11:18,330

Мутанты? В рождественском фильме

не может быть мутантов!

00:11:18,413 --> 00:11:19,706

Они же вообще неадекватные,

00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:22,350

как в «Диком, диком Западе».

00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:24,564

Мы давно не празднуем Рождество.

00:11:24,648 --> 00:11:26,055

С тех пор, как Джейми у власти.

00:11:26,139 --> 00:11:27,385

Стоп. Это наш сын.

00:11:27,468 --> 00:11:29,118

Мы, четверо инопланетян, его отцы.

00:11:29,201 --> 00:11:30,686

Сложно объяснить, рассказывай.

00:11:30,769 --> 00:11:32,636

Что ж, вы погано его воспитали.

00:11:32,719 --> 00:11:34,423

Ваш сын ненавидит Рождество.

00:11:34,506 --> 00:11:36,527

Он хочет избавиться от этого праздника

00:11:36,611 --> 00:11:39,781

с тех пор, как вы пообещали

ему Турбомена, а потом бросили.

00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,103

Всё это в его книге.

00:11:41,186 --> 00:11:43,724

С помощью своей медийной империи

и невероятного богатства

00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:45,253

Джейми превратил этот город в антиутопию

00:11:45,336 --> 00:11:49,805

в духе «Побега из Нью-Йорка»

и «Дитя человеческого».

00:11:49,944 --> 00:11:53,582

Хуже всего то, что он заставляет

нас проводить Зимний парад

00:11:53,665 --> 00:11:55,681

в без пятнадцати полночь на Рождество.

00:11:55,773 --> 00:11:58,685

Какое удивительно точное время.

И ужасное имя для парада.

00:11:58,768 --> 00:12:00,004

Да уж, я в курсе.

00:12:00,104 --> 00:12:03,666

Но теперь на парад выходят мутанты,

дикари, прикрывшиеся матрасами,

00:12:03,752 --> 00:12:05,443

и сумасшедшие каратисты.

00:12:05,526 --> 00:12:09,439

Потому что Джейми в детстве занимался

карате, а его отец продавал матрасы.

00:12:09,530 --> 00:12:12,543

Я никогда не слышал более

глубокой истории у персонажа.

00:12:12,627 --> 00:12:14,788

Все персонажи в этой вселенной плоские,

00:12:14,872 --> 00:12:16,289

это у фильма в ДНК.

00:12:16,372 --> 00:12:18,518

А ещё я задержал вас,

чтобы мои друзья убили вас

00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:19,862

и помогли приготовить тела.

00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:22,203

Риверсы, пора ужинать!

00:12:22,286 --> 00:12:23,904

Свежее мясо!

00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:27,203

Стоп, но это же фраза из «Арби»?

00:12:27,286 --> 00:12:29,135

В этой вселенной есть «Арби»?

00:12:29,218 --> 00:12:31,645

Что ещё за «Арби»? Это просто моя реплика!

00:12:31,728 --> 00:12:33,730

Нет! Не делайте этого!

00:12:36,854 --> 00:12:40,068

Я украла пушку Джимми Стюарта

из «Этой прекрасной жизни».

00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,051

Молодец. Отдай, пока не снесла себе башку.

00:12:42,134 --> 00:12:44,320

Корв, Рождество почти кончилось.

Что делать?

00:12:44,403 --> 00:12:45,895

У меня есть идея. Она непростая

00:12:45,979 --> 00:12:47,775

и в начале звучала бы очень глупо…

00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:49,775

Но если мы хотим вернуть себе

рождественское настроение,

00:12:49,859 --> 00:12:51,852

нам нужно достать Джейми Турбомена.

00:12:51,936 --> 00:12:55,910

Ты серьёзно думаешь, что у нас получится,

когда все пытаются сожрать друг друга?

00:12:55,993 --> 00:12:59,070

Вариантов нет. Разойдёмся

и будем искать Турбомена.

00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:01,345

С каких пор у Джимми Стюарта есть пушка?

00:13:01,429 --> 00:13:03,561

Тогда все ходили с пушками.

00:13:03,644 --> 00:13:05,774

Ширли Темпл носила свою в киске.

00:13:05,857 --> 00:13:07,718

Про это песня «Леденец».

00:13:07,802 --> 00:13:09,521

Да, это все знают.

00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:15,338

Времени мало. Встречаемся здесь через час.

00:13:15,422 --> 00:13:18,342

И не забудьте нести дух Рождества!

00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,719

Счастливого Рождества!

00:13:23,085 --> 00:13:24,133

МИР ИГРУШЕК

00:13:30,274 --> 00:13:33,102

Снежинки! Конфеты! Мишура!

00:13:37,421 --> 00:13:40,727

В лесу родилась ёлочка…

00:13:41,795 --> 00:13:43,418

В лесу она росла…

00:13:49,231 --> 00:13:51,817

Нет. Меня тут никто не ждёт.

00:13:52,602 --> 00:13:54,363

- Эверетт?

- Папа?

00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:57,555

Сынок! Я люблю тебя! Мне так жаль.

00:13:57,722 --> 00:14:00,173

Я думал, ты не хочешь,

чтобы я был немножечко би!

00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,316

Я так ошибался,

00:14:01,412 --> 00:14:03,980

это было ужасно и очень глупо.

00:14:04,112 --> 00:14:06,876

А ещё я узнал, что Анна Пакуин

тоже немножечко би,

00:14:06,962 --> 00:14:08,921

а ведь она – одна из Людей Икс!

00:14:09,005 --> 00:14:11,007

Ты прочитал мой блог!

00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:24,616

Кто-нибудь нашёл грёбаного Турбомена?

00:14:24,699 --> 00:14:26,132

Я нашла несколько Турбоженщин!

00:14:26,216 --> 00:14:28,457

Нет, они отстой!

Просто чтобы собрать бабки!

00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:32,018

Что за бред, почему мы не можем

просто сделать Турбомена?

00:14:32,102 --> 00:14:35,726

Я уже пытался. Мой 3D-принтер не хочет

нарушать авторские права!

00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:37,582

Пусть нас просто сожрут мутанты.

00:14:37,678 --> 00:14:40,631

Это лучше, чем всю жизнь

прожить унылыми и грустными.

00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:43,504

Не надо было смотреть дурацкий

«Подарок на Рождество».

00:14:43,587 --> 00:14:47,089

Лучше бы выбрал обычный праздничный фильм

типа «Крепкого орешка» или «Гремлинов».

00:14:47,172 --> 00:14:49,924

Заткнись. Терри. Было бы то же самое!

00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,753

- Это не рождественские фильмы.

- Вовсе нет!

00:14:51,836 --> 00:14:55,616

Любой фильм под Рождество –

рождественский фильм!

00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:56,877

Рождество прямо сейчас!

00:14:56,961 --> 00:14:58,291

Да, мы поняли, что нам крышка.

00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,623

Ничего подобного!

00:14:59,706 --> 00:15:01,804

Нам нужно завершить сюжет с Джейми,

00:15:01,888 --> 00:15:03,265

и всё равно этот фильм будет

рождественским,

00:15:03,349 --> 00:15:04,806

потому что сейчас Рождество!

00:15:04,890 --> 00:15:07,117

Как-то странно звучит! Сработает?

00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,633

Да! Нам не нужно заканчивать

«Подарок на Рождество»!

00:15:09,716 --> 00:15:11,021

Нужно просто закончить любой сюжет!

00:15:11,104 --> 00:15:13,725

Тогда мы просто извинимся

перед маленьким мальчиком за то,

00:15:13,808 --> 00:15:17,134

что сделали 80 лет назад,

и спасём грёбаное Рождество.

00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,081

Я просто хочу сказать,

что зря выгнал Эверетта из дома

00:15:24,164 --> 00:15:25,432

из-за того, что он немного би.

00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:29,265

Гей, натурал, би – я люблю его,

несмотря ни на что.

00:15:29,352 --> 00:15:33,536

И я верю, что все должны

быть тем, кем хотят.

00:15:33,619 --> 00:15:35,099

Этого желал бы Иисус.

00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:37,117

- Аминь.

- Спасибо, папа.

00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:38,091

Не благодари меня.

00:15:38,174 --> 00:15:40,029

Благодари этого голубенького

незнакомца за то,

00:15:40,112 --> 00:15:42,721

что собрал нашу семью вместе в Сочельник.

00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,061

Есть ли хоть что-то в этом мире,

что я мог бы дать тебе,

00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,971

чтобы отплатить за то, что ты сделал?

00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:51,965

Серьёзно?

00:15:52,398 --> 00:15:55,109

И он просто заперт в шкафчике,

недоступном для детей?

00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,947

Джейми живёт вон там. В пентхаусе.

00:15:58,030 --> 00:15:59,615

А он неплохо устроился.

00:15:59,699 --> 00:16:01,527

Я так горжусь нашим мальчиком.

00:16:06,998 --> 00:16:09,285

Черт, это Рождественский парад!

00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,281

Значит, уже одиннадцать сорок пять!

00:16:11,368 --> 00:16:13,547

У нас 15 минут до конца Рождества!

00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:15,347

Я знал, что время не зря точное!

00:16:15,430 --> 00:16:17,416

Что будем делать, они идут прямо на нас!

00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:19,634

Я был плохим мальчиком, зараза.

00:16:25,106 --> 00:16:26,788

Эй! Уроды, я вас знаю!

00:16:26,872 --> 00:16:30,667

Нет, нет, мы просто парочка

долбанутых Санта-каратистов. Кий-я!

00:16:30,751 --> 00:16:32,774

К черту! Мы вас сожрём!

00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:36,636

Риверсы, пора ужинать! Где мясо?

00:16:36,743 --> 00:16:38,555

Ты должен знать,

что это строчка из «Венди».

00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:40,464

Самая известная.

00:16:45,759 --> 00:16:46,670

Оторвались.

00:16:46,753 --> 00:16:48,683

О боже, у меня мозги во рту.

00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,373

Я вижу кучу охраны

с апокалиптичным оружием.

00:16:53,457 --> 00:16:55,664

А один парень передёргивает в ванной.

00:16:55,747 --> 00:16:58,543

Господи. Он развлекается по полной!

Сует пальцы в зад!

00:16:58,626 --> 00:16:59,561

Черт, нам крышка.

00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,573

После передёрга мужики всегда сильнее.

00:17:01,656 --> 00:17:03,291

Они нас найдут! А время убегает.

00:17:03,375 --> 00:17:04,640

Что будем делать?

00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,980

Полно времени на то, чтобы надрать им зад

и вернуться домой к горячему шоколаду.

00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,463

Девчонка-пришелец права. Мы справимся.

00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:18,469

Без оружия?

00:17:18,552 --> 00:17:22,226

Я в качестве рождественского сюрприза тебе

тренировался наносить смертельные удары.

00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,894

Терри, как это мило.

00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:26,286

Откуда ты знал, что я обожаю

затёртые тропы из боевиков?

00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:27,619

Я внимательный.

00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:36,956

Джейми! Твои отцы дома.

00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:39,858

Мы пришли извиниться, маленький ангел.

00:18:46,557 --> 00:18:48,490

Вы опоздали, отцы.

00:18:48,593 --> 00:18:51,610

Опоздали на 80 лет.

00:18:51,723 --> 00:18:54,317

Его тело такое же исковерканное,

как и душа.

00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,428

Это ты делал клонов Синбада?

00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:57,879

Я разочарован в тебе, сын.

00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:00,897

Мы пришли извиниться за то,

что не подарили тебе Турбомена.

00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:03,734

У меня уже есть Турбомен.

00:19:03,817 --> 00:19:06,281

У меня все – Турбомены.

00:19:06,364 --> 00:19:08,730

И я не принимаю ваших жалких извинений.

00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:11,523

Где вы были, когда мне был нужен отец?

00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:13,667

Слушай, чувак, в мире,

где столько стриминговых сервисов,

00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:16,075

просто невозможно что-то досмотреть.

00:19:16,159 --> 00:19:18,263

Я видел только полторы серии

«Академии Амбрелла».

00:19:18,346 --> 00:19:20,906

Просто прими наши извинения

и перестань быть козлом?

00:19:20,990 --> 00:19:24,527

Когда вы бросили меня, я понял,

что могу полагаться только на себя.

00:19:24,611 --> 00:19:28,488

Я построил империю и создал армию

клонов-мутантов, чтобы…

00:19:28,571 --> 00:19:30,976

Всем плевать! Осталась минута

до конца Рождества!

00:19:31,059 --> 00:19:33,547

Прими наши извинения и закончи сюжет!

00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:35,517

Пошли вы, папы!

00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,926

Он не даст нам извиниться.

00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,132

Но мы должны что-то закончить. Что делать?

00:19:40,215 --> 00:19:42,209

Джейми был таким хорошим мальчиком,

00:19:42,292 --> 00:19:44,820

я не верю, что он стал злодеем.

00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:46,534

Минуточку.

00:19:46,835 --> 00:19:49,490

Что, пришёл умолять меня, папа?

00:19:49,573 --> 00:19:50,521

О нет, милый.

00:19:50,605 --> 00:19:53,937

Я пришла избить долбаного злодея

00:19:54,044 --> 00:19:55,747

и закончить чёртов фильм!

00:19:56,317 --> 00:19:57,641

Мой зуб!

00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,386

Моё сердце!

00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,025

О боже, работает!

00:20:05,364 --> 00:20:07,874

Парни! Джейми больше не наш любимый сын,

00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,074

он злодей.

00:20:09,157 --> 00:20:11,789

Нужно как следует избить этого урода,

00:20:11,873 --> 00:20:13,848

и настроение к нам вернётся!

00:20:14,738 --> 00:20:16,502

Она права! Так круто!

00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,856

Отцы! Нет!

00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:21,158

У меня снова рождественское настроение!

00:20:21,241 --> 00:20:22,459

Это просто шикарно!

00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,702

И несмотря ни на что,

00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:28,420

каждый раз, когда пришельцы

били старого козла,

00:20:28,504 --> 00:20:32,448

их сердца становились всё больше и больше,

00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:35,290

расширяясь до предела!

00:20:47,938 --> 00:20:49,195

О боже, кровь на вкус как Рождество!

00:20:49,279 --> 00:20:51,681

Я весь буквально лучусь радостью!

00:20:51,765 --> 00:20:54,723

Как и мы! Потому что мы убили

нашего сына как семья,

00:20:54,806 --> 00:20:59,310

а семейные дела на Рождество –

это самое праздничное, что может быть!

00:20:59,410 --> 00:21:00,845

Я люблю вас, ребята!

00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,249

Нам точно надо смотреть титры?

00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:07,955

Я не знаю, помнишь, что было,

когда мы смылись?

00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:09,291

Лучше не рисковать.

00:21:10,533 --> 00:21:12,028

У Риты Уилсон два помощника?

00:21:12,111 --> 00:21:14,888

- Сколько ещё этих титров?

- Вряд ли много.

00:21:14,971 --> 00:21:16,787

Не думаю, это снимала целая толпа.

00:21:16,870 --> 00:21:18,903

Стоп, закончились!

00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,537

Ещё и канадские!

00:21:23,881 --> 00:21:25,088

О боже.

00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:28,452

Слушайте, может,

00:21:28,536 --> 00:21:30,682

это было и ужасно тупое

времяпрепровождение…

00:21:30,765 --> 00:21:32,926

Но я рад, что мы провели Рождество вместе.

00:21:33,009 --> 00:21:34,018

Да, это точно.

00:21:34,102 --> 00:21:36,371

Мы узнали, что провести

время с семьёй важнее,

00:21:36,454 --> 00:21:38,495

чем закончить сюжет комедии из 90-х.

00:21:38,586 --> 00:21:42,560

И, если подумать, «Подарок на Рождество»

именно этому нас и научил.

00:21:43,706 --> 00:21:46,061

Черт, где Пупа взял чёртов свисток!

00:21:46,144 --> 00:21:48,240

Терри, ты же запер его

в недоступном шкафчике,

00:21:48,323 --> 00:21:49,414

где мы храним отравленные дротики!

00:21:49,497 --> 00:21:51,116

Да, я положил его за ними!

00:21:51,199 --> 00:21:52,883

Ненавижу эту мелодию!

00:21:52,966 --> 00:21:55,008

Ты даже не праздновал

с нами Рождество, Пупа!

00:21:55,092 --> 00:21:56,759

- Плохой Пупа!

- Откуда он взял эту штуку?

00:21:56,842 --> 00:21:59,343

Ему что, кто-то помог?

00:21:59,426 --> 00:22:01,409

Он говорить толком не умеет.

00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:04,858

Счастливого всем Рождества!

00:00:24,382 --> 00:00:26,259

Ла ла!

00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:31,306

Охеренно, Корво. Как ты разукрасил это дерево, мужик

00:00:31,306 --> 00:00:33,308

Люблю я это время года, Терри

00:00:33,308 --> 00:00:36,478

Оно напоминает мне замороченные Шлорпианские праздники с родной планеты

00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:39,355

Мне всегда нравилась Ежегодная охота на престарелых

00:00:39,355 --> 00:00:40,356

Традиции, ага?

00:00:40,356 --> 00:00:42,108

Ты знал, что Рождество жестко привязано

00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,818

ко времени орбитального пролета Земли вокруг солнца?

00:00:43,818 --> 00:00:45,028

Охренеть как круто же?

00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:47,280

В чем мы точно согласны:

Рождество зашибись!

00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,324

Столько много сладостей

и крутого мерча

00:00:49,324 --> 00:00:52,243

Двигай задом, cрущий Санта.

Надави горячего какао

00:00:52,243 --> 00:00:54,162

О, такое темное и шоколадное..

00:00:54,162 --> 00:00:57,457

Вы говорите про Рождество?

Я обожаю подарки!

00:00:57,457 --> 00:01:00,960

Не знаю, что лучше, получать их

или возвращать за сертификат в магазине?

00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,921

А я люблю, что мы убиваем дерево

00:01:02,921 --> 00:01:05,006

И его тело храним в доме

00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,716

Похоже, мы все любим Рождество

00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:09,135

Все, кроме Пупы

00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:11,012

Он вечно исчезает в это время

00:01:11,012 --> 00:01:12,931

потому что не любит Рождество

00:01:12,931 --> 00:01:15,725

- Рождество топчик, Пупа.

В-в-в чем твоя проблема?

00:01:15,725 --> 00:01:18,353

- Серьезно, Пупа, не испорти его

как сделал с Рамаданом

00:01:18,353 --> 00:01:20,480

- У тебя нет духа Рождества, Пупа

00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,234

Это самое прекрасное время года,

эгоистичный мудак!

00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:27,362

- Я буду трясти твои ветки

и ты ничего с этим не поделаешь

00:01:27,362 --> 00:01:28,279

потому что ты мертво

00:01:28,279 --> 00:01:30,323

Постыдись, Пупа

Ты такой Гринч

00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:32,700

Да, проваливай!

00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,245

И не возвращайся без

офигенно серьезного духа Рождества

00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:36,162

И подарки не забудь!

00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:38,873

Однажды этот маленький балбес поймет настоящую суть Рождества

00:01:38,873 --> 00:01:41,543

Ты про пирожки с фрикадельками и сахарными тростями?

00:01:41,543 --> 00:01:42,710

О да!

00:01:44,587 --> 00:01:47,674

Это рождественский спецвыпуск

Солнечных Противоположностей!

00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,677

Планета Шлорп была прекрасной утопией

00:01:51,052 --> 00:01:52,637

пока не упал астероид

00:01:53,972 --> 00:01:56,307

Сотне взрослых и их репликантов

был выдан Пупа

00:01:56,307 --> 00:01:58,351

и они отправились в космос

00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:00,687

искать новые дома в необитаемых мирах

00:02:01,437 --> 00:02:04,399

Мы упали на Землю, и так перенаселенную планету

00:02:04,399 --> 00:02:06,025

Да, это я говорил всё время

00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:07,902

Тот, который держит Пупу

Меня зовут Корво

00:02:07,902 --> 00:02:10,321

Это моё шоу.

Я уронил Пупу. Видите меня?

00:02:10,321 --> 00:02:11,656

Это просто смешно

00:02:11,656 --> 00:02:13,575

Ненавижу Землю. Это ужасный дом

00:02:13,575 --> 00:02:16,077

Люди тупые.

Они так любят Рождество

00:02:16,077 --> 00:02:17,829

А знаете что?

Иисус был пришельцем

00:02:17,829 --> 00:02:20,373

Он родился в июле

и у него аллергия на хвойные деревья

00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:21,207

Живите с этим

00:02:40,351 --> 00:02:43,396

Это то время года, когда мы все собираемся

00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:48,026

чтобы отпраздновать рождение нашего бога и спасителя

Иисуса Христа

00:02:48,026 --> 00:02:51,905

Спасибо, что отказываетесь от коммерциализации праздника

00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,073

Только здесь, в доме Божьем

00:02:54,073 --> 00:02:56,826

ваши души поистине могут благословиться

00:02:56,826 --> 00:02:58,495

Аминь

00:02:59,829 --> 00:03:01,915

Простите, что мешаю службе

Я просто..

00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,666

Совершил ужасную ошибку

00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:06,961

На той неделе мой сын признался,

что он немного би

00:03:06,961 --> 00:03:09,547

и я.. выгнал его из дома

00:03:09,547 --> 00:03:13,510

Я разрушил наши жизни.

Мне так его не хватает

00:03:17,972 --> 00:03:21,017

Рождество! Рождество!

Рождество! Рождест..

00:03:21,017 --> 00:03:22,644

Завалите хлебало!

00:03:22,644 --> 00:03:23,812

Ладно, дети, соберемся вместе

00:03:23,812 --> 00:03:25,772

Время нашей ежегодной праздничной традиции

00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:27,524

Кто хочет посмотреть рождественское кино?

00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:28,733

Я, я, я, я!

00:03:28,733 --> 00:03:30,568

Мне повезло ухватить в свои грязные ручонки

00:03:30,568 --> 00:03:33,238

VHS кассету "Подарок на Рождество"

00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:35,281

Christian Science Monitor пишут,

что это обязательно к просмотру

00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:35,990

Придержите свои жопы!

00:03:35,990 --> 00:03:37,784

Зачем смотреть Подарок на Рождество

00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:40,245

когда можно прожить Подарок на Рождество?

00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,914

Помните мы ходили на "Первому игроку приготовиться"?

00:03:42,914 --> 00:03:44,874

Неа, я стираю память после каждого фильма

00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:47,001

где герои не воруют декларацию Независимости

00:03:47,001 --> 00:03:48,419

Была такая сцена в Первому игроку приготовиться

00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:50,547

где этот пацан попал внутрь фильма Сияние

00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:52,924

Погоди, они вставили годное кино в свое кино?

00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:55,218

Долго еще тянуть резину?

Уже перетягиваешь

00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:58,388

В этой сцене была годная идея.

И я сделал такое устройство по-настоящему

00:03:58,388 --> 00:04:00,473

Я назвал его "Первому игроку приготовиться"-устройство

00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:02,809

Названия твоих гаджетов начинают лажать, Корво

00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:03,852

Бла-бла, мне пофиг

00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,395

Приготовьтесь к праздничной магии!

00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,850

ВНИМАНИЕ Мы сделали реально суровый закон, и вам не понравится если вы будете копировать такие штуки по ТВ, как кино и прочее. Если захотите поделиться этими копиями с другими - это не круто.

00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:12,440

Если вы сделаете эту совершенно некрутую вещь, мы, типа, узнаем, и скажем "ты нехороший человек" и вы попадете в тюрьму и мы заберем ваши денюжки.

00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:20,577

Мы попали из пригородного дома в другой пригородный дом?

Фантастика

00:04:20,577 --> 00:04:22,203

Эм, почему мы все так одеты?

00:04:22,203 --> 00:04:23,997

Устройство умеет заменять только одного персонажа

00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,708

Так что мы все в роли папаши-Шварценеггера

00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:28,376

Привет, папы!

00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:31,546

Что такое, сынок?

00:04:31,546 --> 00:04:34,466

Я хочу игрушку Турбомена, с двигающимися руками и ногами

00:04:34,466 --> 00:04:36,509

И стреляющим бумерангом

и отстегивающимся джетпаком

00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,471

и реалистичным голосовым чипом

говорящим 5 разных фраз

00:04:39,471 --> 00:04:41,556

например "Время Турбо!"

00:04:41,556 --> 00:04:43,933

Дополнения продаются отдельно

Без батарей в комплекте

00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:44,976

Турбомен? Ага, конечно

00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:46,936

Их везде распродали.

Уже почти Рождество

00:04:46,936 --> 00:04:49,314

Ого, правда?

Вот почему Рождество такое клаасное

00:04:49,314 --> 00:04:50,940

Нет, послушай. Я говорю, будет невозмож..

00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:52,066

Спасибо, папы!

00:04:54,444 --> 00:04:56,529

Похоже в фильме наш персонаж соглашается

00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:57,739

достать эту дурацкую игрушку?

00:04:57,739 --> 00:04:58,990

Ну он и сучка

00:04:58,990 --> 00:05:01,075

Стойте, так в этом весь смысл Подарка на Рождество?

00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:03,369

Не как в "Эльфе" с Ферреллом или "Рождественской истории"?

00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:06,122

Похоже, тут весь смысл купить игрушку,

которую сложно найти

00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:08,750

Кто запускал этот фильм, наверное, плотно на кокаине сидел

00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:11,085

О нет. Что? Какого.. У меня инсульт?

00:05:11,085 --> 00:05:13,171

Господи, забери мою левую сторону.

Она все равно уродливая

00:05:13,171 --> 00:05:14,464

Нет, нет. Мы просто переходим к следующей сцене

00:05:14,464 --> 00:05:16,132

Надеюсь, сейчас станет

супер рождественски

00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,470

О, ладно, похоже, мы просто пошли по магазинам

00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:23,014

Прочь с дороги!

Мой ребенок хочет куклу Турбомена

00:05:23,014 --> 00:05:25,517

и никто и ничто меня не остановит

00:05:25,517 --> 00:05:26,726

Ого, это что, Синбад?

00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,603

Не лучший знак о качестве этого фильма

00:05:28,603 --> 00:05:29,687

Что за сраное кино?

00:05:29,687 --> 00:05:32,649

Тут почти нет снега, украшений или чего-то рождественского

00:05:32,649 --> 00:05:33,900

Ох, простите, ребят

00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,694

Видимо, список 500 лучших праздничных фильмов

от Christian Science Monitor

00:05:36,694 --> 00:05:38,488

не был так строго проверен, как я полагал

00:05:38,488 --> 00:05:40,281

Вот отстой. Можно просто свалить?

00:05:40,281 --> 00:05:41,866

Ты не хочешь найти эту игрушку для Джейми?

00:05:41,866 --> 00:05:43,159

Нахер. Давайте валить.

00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,788

Что ж, это была пустая трата времени

00:05:46,788 --> 00:05:48,957

Давайте разделимся и будем делать

супер-рождественские штуки

00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:51,584

чтобы избавиться от поганого вкуса

"Подарка на Рождество" во рту

00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:53,128

Чур я забиваю за собой звонок Санте

00:05:55,046 --> 00:05:58,007

Хо хо хо!

Приготовь свою кредитку

00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,850

Что это у тебя, малыш?

00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:09,144

А? Не знаю этого парня. Твой друг?

00:06:09,144 --> 00:06:11,563

Типа похож на Эверетта,

который немного би

00:06:11,563 --> 00:06:13,273

и работал по ночам на автобусной остановке

00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,034

- Ты рад встретиться с Сантой?

- Типа

00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:27,954

Ну, мне нравится отдавать список желаний

красиво одетому незнакомцу

00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,373

Ага. Но что-то не так..

00:06:30,373 --> 00:06:33,460

Хо хо хо.

Подходите и присядьте Санте на колени

00:06:34,419 --> 00:06:35,587

Улыбаемся!

00:06:39,674 --> 00:06:41,009

Ага, смотри как ты высохло

00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,553

Я знаю, ты этого хочешь

Жадный маленький сучок

00:06:43,553 --> 00:06:45,388

Я наливаю воду

00:06:45,388 --> 00:06:47,932

как жаль, что у тебя нет корней

чтобы её впитать

00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:50,226

Хмм.

00:06:50,226 --> 00:06:51,728

Терри, похоже ты не в восторге

00:06:51,728 --> 00:06:54,898

Как насчет положить еще 50 баксов, и мы поговорим об этом?

00:06:54,898 --> 00:06:56,316

Да какая разница?!

00:06:58,276 --> 00:07:01,488

Почему я только так могу что-то почувствовать?

00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:05,325

Ага. Я даже не могу насладиться унижением этого мертвого, сексуального дерева

00:07:08,369 --> 00:07:11,456

Я чувствую пустоту там, где обычно сияет теплое праздничное счастье

00:07:11,456 --> 00:07:14,042

И еще немного изжогу, потому что еду плохо прожевываю

00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:17,378

Кто-то хочет пойти и прыгнуть под автобус со мной?

00:07:17,378 --> 00:07:18,880

- Да, я в деле

- И я

00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,215

Особенно если будет номер 4

00:07:20,757 --> 00:07:21,549

Стойте!

00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:24,928

Ага! Я так и думал

00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:26,429

Сканирую

00:07:26,429 --> 00:07:29,974

Датчики корабля показывают,

что наш праздничный дух совсем пропал

00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:33,186

Но как же так.

Я люблю Рождество

00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,312

Любила Рождество

00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:36,856

А теперь твой запас праздничной радости иссяк

00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,733

Видимо, Подарок на Рождество

настолько дерьмовый

00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:40,193

что убил наше рождественское настроение

00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,903

И поэтому мы хотим только резать себя?

00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:44,322

И от мертвых деревьев больше не встает?

00:07:44,322 --> 00:07:46,407

Должен быть способ вернуть наш праздничный дух

00:07:46,407 --> 00:07:48,243

Найдем кого-то веселого и выпьем его кровь

00:07:48,243 --> 00:07:51,496

Да, вполне. Но мы можем воспользоваться Первому игроку приготовиться - устройством

00:07:51,496 --> 00:07:53,164

чтобы попасть в лучшие праздничные фильмы

00:07:53,164 --> 00:07:56,209

Это будет инъекция чистого "ла-ла-ла", которая вернет наше настроение

00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,837

Мы сможем сыграть роли во всей рождественской классике?

00:07:58,837 --> 00:08:00,588

Именно.

Солнечные противоположности отправляются

00:08:00,588 --> 00:08:02,006

во все ваши любимые рождественские фильмы!

00:08:02,006 --> 00:08:02,924

Сосите мою жопу!

00:08:02,930 --> 00:08:04,134

♪ Mariah Carey's All I Want

For Christmas Is You ♪

00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,093

Я хочу жить!

00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:07,137

Я хочу жить!

Я хочу жить!

00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,973

Я хочу ограниченное издание Nintendo Switch Animal Crossing!

00:08:09,973 --> 00:08:11,141

и жить!

00:08:13,852 --> 00:08:15,770

Никто не любит наши уродливые носы

00:08:15,770 --> 00:08:17,313

Быть не таким - отстой

00:08:17,313 --> 00:08:20,150

О, Рудольфы, я люблю ваши красные носы

00:08:20,150 --> 00:08:22,026

И ваш запах тоже

00:08:22,026 --> 00:08:23,862

А еще у меня овуляция

00:08:23,862 --> 00:08:25,321

Я заметил

00:08:31,035 --> 00:08:32,579

Что ты здесь делаешь?..

00:08:33,370 --> 00:08:33,940

Завали ебало!

00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,470

икто не нидеален

00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,570

С Рождеством! Пожалуйста, измени со мной своему мужу

00:08:37,570 --> 00:08:38,570

Эйпштейн не убивал себя

00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:44,257

Проверь мой рождественский дух.

Он должен вернуться!

00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,258

Этого должно было хватить

00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,342

Сканирую

00:08:46,342 --> 00:08:48,261

Ваш праздничный дух заполнен на 0%

00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,639

Не может быть

Мы праздновали Рождество как не в себя

00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:54,184

Единственное, что я еще чувствую - это боль

00:08:54,184 --> 00:08:56,436

Что с нами случилось?

00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,979

Мы подхватили болезнь остаточного сценария

00:08:57,979 --> 00:08:59,731

из-за того, что не завершили сценарий Подарка на Рождество

00:08:59,731 --> 00:09:02,066

Но история отстой.

Не было шансов

00:09:02,066 --> 00:09:04,486

Вот в другом фильме с Арнольдом

Детсадовский полицейский

00:09:04,486 --> 00:09:05,904

тебе было небезразлично

умрет ребенок или нет

00:09:05,904 --> 00:09:08,531

Но устройство Первому игроку приготовиться не знало об этом

Оно беспристрастно

00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,200

Оно дало нам роли отца, а значит

00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,577

хоть для двухчасового филмьма было и недостаточно идеи

00:09:12,577 --> 00:09:14,496

добыть игрушку,

для Джейми это было важно

00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:18,249

Похоже, я начинаю сожалеть,

что не был лушчим отцом для Джейми

00:09:18,249 --> 00:09:20,210

Когда мы соскочили,

мы лишь отчасти повеселились

00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:21,336

Рождество уже завтра

00:09:21,336 --> 00:09:23,797

Если не вернем себе праздничный дух до его конца,

то уже никогда

00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:24,547

Ты уверен?

00:09:24,547 --> 00:09:26,257

Помнишь что случилось на День ветеранов?

00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:28,885

Мы потеряли дух Дня ветеранов

и теперь не поддерживаем военных

00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,762

Ладно, и что делать?

Перейти в евреизм?

00:09:30,762 --> 00:09:33,223

Нет, Терренс

Только одна вещь нам поможет

00:09:33,223 --> 00:09:35,350

Надо вернуться обратно во вселенную Рождества

00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:38,019

И на этот раз нужно оторваться по полной

00:09:38,019 --> 00:09:40,396

и вернуть себе дух Рождества

00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:49,197

Да, это Эверетт. Хороший был работник.

Жаль, что уехал.

00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:51,324

Он на 736м до Лас Вегаса

00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,160

Сказал, хочет найти себя и новую жизнь, вдали от семьи

00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,789

где он сможет быть немного тем, кем является.

00:10:13,054 --> 00:10:15,682

Ты не захочешь сидеть рядом со мной.

Никому не хочется.

00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,533

Что тут произошло?

00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:36,578

Гадость. Воняет как-будто маркер кончил в шину

00:10:36,578 --> 00:10:39,497

О нет, вот дерьмо. Ладно.

Похоже, мы здесь через 80 лет

00:10:39,497 --> 00:10:41,291

Вероятно, время течет гораздо быстрее

во вселенной Рождества

00:10:41,291 --> 00:10:42,333

чем в реальном мире

00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:45,295

Ничего не выйдет.

Тут еще менее рождественски, чем раньше

00:10:45,295 --> 00:10:47,422

Может не все так плохо

Смотрите, там Санта

00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:56,514

Чувак там срет? Фу

00:11:00,518 --> 00:11:02,395

Эй, пошел нахуй.

Шипи на кого-то другого

00:11:04,189 --> 00:11:06,441

Вы с ума сошли?

Скорее, сюда

00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:10,403

Это что, нахрен, было?

00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,988

Синбады-мутанты

00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:14,199

Они слоняются по улицам в поисках игрушек Турбомена

00:11:14,199 --> 00:11:15,909

Они жестокие и охотятся на слабых

00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,328

Мутанты? Не может быть мутантов в рождественском кино

00:11:18,328 --> 00:11:19,788

Они тут вообще не в тему

00:11:19,788 --> 00:11:22,415

Как танк-паук из концовки Дикого дикого запада

00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,542

Мы не праздновали Рождество много лет

00:11:24,542 --> 00:11:26,127

С тех пор как Джейми пришел к власти

00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:27,420

Стой, это же наш сын

00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,214

Мы все, четверо пришельцев, его отцы

00:11:29,214 --> 00:11:30,715

Понимаю, это немного нелегко понять

00:11:30,715 --> 00:11:32,717

Ну, дерьмово вы его воспитали

00:11:32,717 --> 00:11:34,552

Ваш сын эпически ненавидит Рождество

00:11:34,552 --> 00:11:36,596

Он решил избавиться от всей праздничной суеты

00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,808

с тех пор, как вы пообещали подарить ему Турбомена,

а потом бросили его.

00:11:39,808 --> 00:11:41,184

Он всё описал в книге

00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,812

С помощью своей медийной империи и огромного состояния,

00:11:43,812 --> 00:11:46,523

Джейми превратил этот город в смесь Побег из Нью-Йорка,

00:11:46,523 --> 00:11:49,901

Дитя человеческое и из 13 в 30 - антиутопию

00:11:49,901 --> 00:11:53,488

Самое ужасное, он до сих пор заставляет нас

участвовать в Зимвлекательном параде

00:11:53,488 --> 00:11:55,865

в 23:45 на Рождество

00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:58,910

Что за странно подозрительное время

И ужасное название для парада

00:11:58,910 --> 00:12:00,120

Это по канону, поверьте

00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,498

Теперь парад переполнен мутантами, дикарями в матрасах,

00:12:03,498 --> 00:12:05,542

и безумных Санта каратистов

00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,252

Потому что Джейми любил карате в детстве

00:12:07,252 --> 00:12:09,420

и его отец продавал матрасы или что-то такое

00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:12,549

Никогда в жизни не встречал персонажа с такой объясненной предысторией

00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,843

Все персонажи в Рождественской вселенной неглубокие

00:12:14,843 --> 00:12:16,386

Это составляющая ДНК фильма

00:12:16,386 --> 00:12:18,471

А еще я тяну время,

чтобы мои друзья вас убили

00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,889

и помогли приготовить ваши тела

00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:22,350

Бандиты, время пировать!

00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,893

У нас есть мясо

00:12:25,103 --> 00:12:27,188

Погоди, почему ты произнес слоган Arby's?

00:12:27,188 --> 00:12:29,190

У них же есть Arby's в этой вселенной?

00:12:29,190 --> 00:12:31,276

Что нахер за Arby's?

Это я так говорю

00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,570

Стойте! Нет, не делайте этого

00:12:36,781 --> 00:12:40,076

Я украла пистолет Джимми Стюарта из "Эта прекрасная жизнь"

00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,078

Хорошо ухватила. Отдай сюда.

Еще прострелишь себе глаз

00:12:42,078 --> 00:12:44,247

Ладно, Корв. Рождество почти закончилось.

Что нам делать?

00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:45,123

У меня есть идея

00:12:45,123 --> 00:12:47,792

Это маловероятно, но хоть и звучало глупо в самом начале

00:12:47,792 --> 00:12:49,752

Но если мы хотим вернуть себе дух Рождества

00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:51,963

мы должны достать Джейми игрушку Турбомена

00:12:51,963 --> 00:12:54,340

Да ладно. Ты думаешь, мы сможем завершить сценарий

00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,842

когда все вокруг пытаются друг друга сожрать?

00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,470

Нам придётся.

Давайте разделимся и будем искать Турбомена

00:12:59,554 --> 00:13:01,347

С каких пор у Джимми Стюарта был пистолет в том фильме?

00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,600

У всех тогда были пистолеты

00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,768

Ширли Темпл тоже носила один в своей пилотке

00:13:05,768 --> 00:13:07,687

Так вот о чем была та песня про леденец

00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,439

Все об этом знают

00:13:13,276 --> 00:13:14,360

У нас кончается время

00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,403

Встречаемся тут через час

00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,739

И запомните, не забываем делиться праздничным настроением

00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,701

.. с-счастливого Рождества

00:13:26,456 --> 00:13:28,082

Хо хо хо!

00:13:29,751 --> 00:13:32,837

аа! Снежинки, сахарные сливы,

дерьмовый апельсиновый шоколад

00:13:36,174 --> 00:13:38,843

О! О, какая радость

00:13:38,843 --> 00:13:40,845

быстро мчать на

00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:43,348

мчать на санях

00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:51,773

Ну нет!

Никому я тут не нужен

00:13:52,649 --> 00:13:53,483

Эверетт

00:13:53,483 --> 00:13:54,234

Папа?

00:13:54,984 --> 00:13:57,695

Сын, я люблю тебя

Прости меня

00:13:57,695 --> 00:14:00,156

Я.. я думал, что не нужен тебе

потому что немного би

00:14:00,156 --> 00:14:01,366

Я так ошибался

00:14:01,366 --> 00:14:04,077

Это было отвратительно и глупо с моей стороны

00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,788

И я узнал, что Анна Пэкуин тоже немного би

00:14:06,788 --> 00:14:08,998

а она играет важную роль в Людях Икс

00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:10,708

Ты прочитал мой ЖЖ

00:14:22,512 --> 00:14:24,639

Кто-нибудь нашел грёбаного Турбомена?

00:14:24,639 --> 00:14:26,224

Я нашел несколько Турбоженщин

00:14:26,224 --> 00:14:28,226

Не, они отстой.

Их выпустили ради бабла.

00:14:28,852 --> 00:14:32,021

Это тупо. Почему мы не можем использовать свои

научные штуки чтобы сделать Турбомена?

00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:32,856

Я уже пробовал

00:14:32,856 --> 00:14:35,024

Мой 3D-принтер не обходит авторские права, если только мы не в Гуаме

00:14:35,817 --> 00:14:37,652

Тогда пусть мутанты нас сожрут

00:14:37,652 --> 00:14:40,697

Это лучше, чем прожить остаток жизни без радости и праздника

00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:43,533

Лучше бы я никогда не заставлял нас смотреть тупой Подарок на Рождество

00:14:43,533 --> 00:14:44,993

А выбрал бы нормальный рождественский фильм,

00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:47,162

как Крепкий орешек, Гремлины или Пираньи 3D

00:14:47,162 --> 00:14:49,998

Завали, Терри.

Мы бы были в такой же ситуации

00:14:49,998 --> 00:14:51,124

Всё это не рождественские фильмы

00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:54,252

Любой фильм, где действие происходит в Рождество - теперь рождественский

00:14:54,252 --> 00:14:55,378

Думаю, Пираньи 3D все же нет

00:14:55,378 --> 00:14:56,963

Сейчас же Рождество

00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,298

Да, мы поняли.

Нам пиздец

00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,632

Ага! Но все-же нет

00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,968

Нам надо закончить любой сценарий с участием Джейми

00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:04,888

И это будет считаться за рождественский фильм

так как идёт Рождество

00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:07,182

Звучит странно.

Это точно так работает?

00:15:07,182 --> 00:15:09,642

Да. О боже, нам не придётся завершать Подарок на Рождество

00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,060

Мы закончим любую историю

00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:13,688

Тогда в конце мы просто извинимся перед мальчиком

00:15:13,688 --> 00:15:15,273

за то, что мы сделали 80 лет назад

00:15:15,273 --> 00:15:17,066

и спасем нахрен Рождество

00:15:21,112 --> 00:15:24,073

Я хочу сказать, что я был неправ, когда прогнал Эверетта

00:15:24,073 --> 00:15:25,325

за то, что он немного би

00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,786

Гей, гетеро, сколь угодно би

00:15:27,786 --> 00:15:29,329

Я люблю его, несмотря ни на что

00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:33,666

И теперь я верю, все должны быть теми, кто они есть

00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,168

Иисус бы хотел этого

00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,377

Аминь

00:15:36,377 --> 00:15:36,961

Спасибо, пап!

00:15:36,961 --> 00:15:38,129

Не меня благодари

00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:40,048

А этого маленького синего незнакомца

00:15:40,048 --> 00:15:42,717

что собрал вместе всю нашу семью на Рождество

00:15:42,717 --> 00:15:45,053

Есть ли, что я могу для тебя сделать,

00:15:45,053 --> 00:15:47,889

что может сравниться с тем, что ты сделал для меня?

00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:51,893

Серьезно?

00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:54,395

И он заперт в шкафчике с защитой от детей?

00:15:56,231 --> 00:15:58,066

Джейми живет здесь, в пентхаусе

00:15:58,066 --> 00:15:59,651

Очевидно, он неплохо устроился

00:15:59,651 --> 00:16:01,319

Я так горжусь нашим малышом

00:16:07,075 --> 00:16:09,244

О, прекрасно, рождественский парад

00:16:09,244 --> 00:16:11,412

Значит уже 23:45

00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:13,623

У нас осталось всего 15 минут до конца Рождества

00:16:13,623 --> 00:16:15,333

Я знал, что время было выбрано неспроста

00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,544

Что нам делать?

Они парадуют прямо на нас

00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,587

Запиши меня в список плохишей, сучара

00:16:21,756 --> 00:16:24,759

Хо хо хо!

Хо хо хо! Хо хо хо!

00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:26,845

Эй, я знаю вас, уродов

00:16:26,845 --> 00:16:30,181

Нас? Нет, нет, мы просто пара безумных Санта-каратистов

00:16:30,181 --> 00:16:30,682

Кийя!

00:16:30,682 --> 00:16:32,851

Нахер это говно.

Мы вас сожрем

00:16:32,851 --> 00:16:35,562

Бандиты, время пировать!

00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:36,646

Где же говядина?

00:16:36,646 --> 00:16:38,523

Так, ну слоган Wendy's ты уж точно знал

00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:40,150

Он же самый известный

00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:46,698

Думаю, мы оторвались

00:16:46,698 --> 00:16:48,241

О боже, у меня во рту мозги

00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:53,455

Я вижу кучу охранников с безумным оружием апокалипсиса

00:16:53,455 --> 00:16:55,707

А еще там чувак дрочит в туалете

00:16:55,707 --> 00:16:58,543

Боже! Он реально отрывается.

Засунул палец себе в задницу

00:16:58,543 --> 00:16:59,586

Черт. Нам полный пиздец

00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,629

Чуваки, которые дрочат, в конце оказываются самыми сильными

00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:02,547

Они нас найдут, чел

00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:03,965

У нас кончается время.

Что будем делать?

00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:10,054

Куча времени, чтобы вырезать этим мудакам новые дырки в жопе

00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:11,973

и вернуться домой к горячему какао

00:17:11,973 --> 00:17:14,184

Эта маленькая инопланетянка права.

У нас получится

00:17:17,729 --> 00:17:18,480

Без оружия?

00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,899

Я как раз учился раздавать люлей одним ударом

00:17:20,899 --> 00:17:22,233

мой рождественский сюрприз для тебя

00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:23,943

Терри, ты такой заботливый

00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,362

Как ты узнал, что я обожаю фильмы

с нереалистичными боевыми искусствами?

00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:27,405

Я внимательный

00:17:42,003 --> 00:17:44,172

♪ "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" ♪

00:18:35,598 --> 00:18:37,016

Джейми, твои папы дома!

00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,644

Мы пришли извиниться перед тобой, ангелочек

00:18:46,568 --> 00:18:48,611

Вы опоздали, папаши

00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:51,739

На 80 лет опоздали

00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:54,367

Его тело искривлено и уродливо, как его душа

00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,494

Так это ты здесь делал клонов Синдбадов?

00:18:56,494 --> 00:18:57,871

Я разочарован в тебе, сын

00:18:57,871 --> 00:19:00,957

Мы пришли извиниться, что не нашли игрушку Турбомена

00:19:00,957 --> 00:19:03,793

У меня уже есть Турбомен!

00:19:03,793 --> 00:19:06,379

Все Турбомены!

00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,715

Я отказываюсь от ваших извинений

00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,551

Где вы были, когда мне нужен был отец?

00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,720

Слушай, чел, в мире бесконечных стриминговых сервисов

00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,055

нет никакого обязательства закончить, что начал смотреть

00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,266

Я только полторы серии Академии Амбрелла посмотрел

00:19:18,266 --> 00:19:20,935

Может, примешь наши извинения и перестанешь быть мудаком?

00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:24,606

Когда вы оставили меня, я осознал, что могу полагаться лишь на себя

00:19:24,606 --> 00:19:28,651

Я построил свою империю и армию клонов-мутантов ..

00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,987

Всем насрать. У нас осталась всего минута Рождества

00:19:30,987 --> 00:19:33,490

Просто прими извинения и покончим с этой гребаной историей

00:19:33,490 --> 00:19:35,909

Наверни говна, папаша

00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:37,994

Он никогда не даст завершить наши эмоциональные путешествия

00:19:37,994 --> 00:19:39,370

но нам придётся как-то здесь закончить

00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:40,163

Что же нам делать?

00:19:40,163 --> 00:19:42,290

Джейми был таким славным мальчиком

00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:44,667

Я поверить не могу, что он стал плохим пар..

00:19:45,293 --> 00:19:46,377

Погодите-ка

00:19:46,795 --> 00:19:49,547

Пришел, чтобы снова умолять, пап?

00:19:49,547 --> 00:19:50,590

О, милый, нет!

00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:53,802

Я пришел выбить дерьмо из плохого парня

00:19:53,802 --> 00:19:55,428

и закончить гребаное кино

00:19:56,805 --> 00:19:57,639

Мой зуб!

00:19:57,639 --> 00:19:59,599

Моё сердце!

00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:00,975

Боже мой, это работает!

00:20:05,355 --> 00:20:07,899

Ребят, Джейми больше не наш любимый сын

00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:09,150

Он - плохой парень

00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:11,820

Нам надо запинать член этого старика в его же жопу

00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:13,530

и наш праздничный дух вернется!

00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,491

Она права, чувствую себя отлично!

00:20:16,991 --> 00:20:19,410

Отец! Нет!

00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:21,454

Моё праздничное чувство вернулось

00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,455

Чувствую себя супер

00:20:22,872 --> 00:20:24,791

Вопреки всему,

00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:28,378

с каждым ударом пришельцев по дряхлому старому засранцу

00:20:28,378 --> 00:20:32,507

их сердца росли больше и больше,

наполняясь Рождественской радостью

00:20:32,507 --> 00:20:35,718

пока не были готовы лопнуть

00:20:47,981 --> 00:20:49,315

Кровь на вкус как Рождество

00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:51,776

Я переполнен праздничным обнимашным настроением

00:20:51,776 --> 00:20:54,821

И все мы, потому что убили своего сына

как одна семья

00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,948

и делаем всё, как семья, на Рождество

00:20:56,948 --> 00:20:59,409

это самое рождественски рождественское дерьмо

00:20:59,409 --> 00:21:00,952

Люблю вас всех

00:21:03,705 --> 00:21:05,331

Нам и вправду надо смотреть титры?

00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:06,541

Не знаю, вспомни всю херню, что произошла

00:21:06,541 --> 00:21:08,001

когда мы слились раньше

00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,169

Лучше перебдеть

00:21:10,545 --> 00:21:12,046

У Риты Уилсон два ассистента?

00:21:12,046 --> 00:21:13,715

Сколько еще будут идти титры?

00:21:13,715 --> 00:21:14,799

Не должно быть долго

00:21:14,799 --> 00:21:16,843

Непохоже, что много людей это всё делали

00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:18,553

Погодите, погодите.

Кажется, закончилось

00:21:21,055 --> 00:21:23,600

Вторая команда в Канаде, фу!

00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,226

- Блять!

- Боже мой!

00:21:27,312 --> 00:21:28,521

Знаете, может это и было

00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,482

дурацкой, бесячей, глупой, дерьмовой историей

00:21:30,482 --> 00:21:32,942

но в конце концов, я рад, что мы вместе провели Рождество

00:21:32,942 --> 00:21:34,068

- Да

- Да, похоже на то

00:21:34,068 --> 00:21:36,404

Мы поняли, что проводить время с семьей важнее

00:21:36,404 --> 00:21:38,573

чем пытаться завершить сценарий комедии из 90х

00:21:38,573 --> 00:21:40,742

И если так подумать, Подарок на Рождество

00:21:40,742 --> 00:21:42,702

пытался этому научить нас всё время

00:21:43,787 --> 00:21:46,039

Твою ж, откуда Пупа снова достал свисток Гарри Поттера?

00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:48,166

Терри, я думал, ты закрыл его в шкафчике с защитой от детей

00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:49,375

где мы храним ядовитые дротики

00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:51,294

Я так и сделал, прямо за дротиками положил

00:21:51,294 --> 00:21:52,837

Эта мелодия так раздражает

00:21:52,837 --> 00:21:55,048

Ты с нами ничего рождественского не делал, Пупа

00:21:55,048 --> 00:21:56,800

Ты плохой

- Как он умудряется доставать эту штуковину?

00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,384

Ему что, кто-то помогает?

00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:01,262

Кто бы это мог быть?

Он же и предложения сказать не может

00:22:02,013 --> 00:22:04,766

Всем счастливого Рождества!

00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,276

La! La!

00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,237

Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo.

00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,364

You decorated the shit

out of that tree, baby.

00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,241

Oh, I love this time of year, Terry.

00:00:33,324 --> 00:00:36,411

It reminds me of all the rule-heavy

Shlorpian holidays.

00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:39,122

I used to get so excited

for the Annual Elderly Hunt.

00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,206

Rituals, am I right?

00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,042

Did you know Christmas is strictly timed

00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,462

to the orbital path of the Earth around

the sun? How cool is that?

00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,630

For once, we can agree.

Christmas is the shit!

00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,257

There's so much candy and hot merch.

00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:52,177

Get your groove on,

Crappin' Santa. Dump that hot cocoa.

00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:54,095

So dark, so chocolate...

00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:57,390

You guys talking about Christmas?

I love presents!

00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:58,725

I don't know what's better,

00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,894

getting them or returning them

for store credit?

00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:02,812

And I love that we got to kill a tree.

00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,898

And that we're keeping

its body in the house.

00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,608

Sounds like we all love Christmas.

00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:09,027

All of us except the Pupa.

00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:10,904

He always disappears

around this time,

00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,822

because he hates Christmas.

00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,658

Christmas is the tits, Pupa.

W-w-what is your problem?

00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,286

Come on, don't ruin this

like you ruined Ramadan for us.

00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:20,413

You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.

00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:24,292

It's the most wonderful time of the year,

you fucking selfish prick!

00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,668

I could shake your branches

00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,254

and you can't do anything about it,

because you're dead.

00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,340

Shame on you, Pupa. You're such a Grinch.

00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,676

That's right, get outta here!

Don't come back

00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,137

without serious Christmas spirit.

I wanna see gifts.

00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,807

That little jerk

will learn the true meaning of Christmas.

00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:41,476

You mean like candy cane

and meatball hot pockets.

00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:42,644

Fuck yes!

00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:47,649

It's the Solar Opposites

Christmas Special.

00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:52,612

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,406

One hundred adults and their replicants

00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,284

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,578

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,332

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:05,959

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,836

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,629

This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:02:09,712 --> 00:02:11,589

Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,467

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,010

They love Christmas so much.

00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,804

Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.

00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:20,140

He was born in July,

he's allergic to pine trees.

00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,224

Deal with it.

00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,329

This is the time of year

where we are compelled

00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,959

to gather and celebrate the light

of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:51,838

Thank you all for rejecting the

commercialization of the holiday.

00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,007

Only here in the house of God

00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:56,759

can your spirits truly be blessed.

00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,511

- Amen.

00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:01,848

Sorry to interrupt the service. I just...

00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,600

I've made a horrible mistake.

00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,853

My son came out

as a tiny bit bi last week,

00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,439

and I... I kicked him out of the house.

00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:13,401

I've ruined our lives. I miss him so much.

00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,950

Christmas!

Christmas! Christmas! Christ...

00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,577

Shut the fuck up!

00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:23,953

Okay, kids, gather around.

00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,705

It's time for

our annual holiday tradition.

00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,457

Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?

00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:28,708

Me, me, me, me, me.

00:03:28,791 --> 00:03:30,501

I managed to get my grubby little paws

00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,712

on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.

00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,215

The Christian Science Monitor

says it's a must-watch.

00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:37,717

Hold your butts.

Why watch Jingle All the Way

00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,220

when we can live Jingle All the Way?

00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:42,847

Remember when we went

and saw Ready Player One?

00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,807

No. But I wipe my mind

after seeing any movie

00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,935

where people don't steal

the Declaration of Independence.

00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,394

There was one scene in Ready Player One

00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,438

where that computer kid

went inside The Shining.

00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,815

Wait, they just

put a better movie inside their movie?

00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,109

Is this gonna take long?

'Cause it already is.

00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:58,279

That one scene was a good idea.

So I made the same device in real life.

00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,365

It's called the Ready Player One Device.

00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,742

Your machine names are starting

to suck, Korvo.

00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,411

Tough tatas, I don't care.

Prepare for holiday magic!

00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:20,510

So we went from our suburban house

to another suburban house? Amazing.

00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,136

Uh, why are we all dressed like this?

00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,930

The device only knows

how to replace one character,

00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,641

so we're all playing

Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.

00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,437

Um, what's wrong, son?

00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:34,357

I want the Turbo Man action figure with

the arms and legs that move

00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,401

and the boomerang shooter

and the rock'n roller jet pack

00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,362

and the realistic voice activator

that says five different phrases

00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,447

like, "It's Turbo time!"

00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,866

Accessories sold separately,

batteries not included.

00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,035

Turbo Man? Yeah, right.

Those are sold out everywhere.

00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,954

- It's almost Christmas.

- Wow, really?

00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:49,247

That would make

Christmas so great.

00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,873

No, no. Listen, I'm saying

that would be imposs...

00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,083

Thanks, Dads.

00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,462

I guess in the movie,

our character agrees

00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:57,672

to get this stupid toy?

00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,215

Well, then he's a little bitch.

00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,009

Wait, this is what

Jingle All the Way is about?

00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,303

No Will Ferrell elves

or lady leg lamps?

00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,055

No, I guess it's just about

buying a hard-to-find doll.

00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,683

Whoever greenlit this movie

must have been on so much cocaine.

00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:11,019

Oh no. What? Wait, what the fuck?

Am I having a stroke?

00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,062

Oh God, please take my left side.

That's my ugly side.

00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,355

No, no. We're just moving

to the next scene.

00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,107

I bet it's about to get

super Christmassy.

00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,069

Oh, okay, I guess

we're just going shopping.

00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,905

Outta my way!

My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,

00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,450

and nothing and nobody

is gonna stop me.

00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,951

Whoa, was that Sinbad?

00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,536

Ugh, not a good sign

for the quality of this film.

00:05:28,619 --> 00:05:29,662

The fuck is this movie?

00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,456

There's hardly

any snow or decorations

00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:32,582

or anything Christmassy.

00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:33,875

Oh, sorry, guys.

00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,168

I guess The Christian

Science Monitor's

00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,627

500 Best Holiday Movies list

00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,421

wasn't as strictly curated

as I assumed.

00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,214

This blows. Can we just quit?

00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,799

You don't want to find

that toy for Jamie?

00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,176

Fuck it. Let's bail.

00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,721

Well, that was

a waste of yuletide.

00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,848

L-let's split up and do

super Christmassy stuff

00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,517

to get that foul taste of

Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.

00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,061

Ooh, I call dibs

on calling Santa.

00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,565

Ho ho ho!

Get your credit card ready.

00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,783

What you got here, little man?

00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:09,077

Huh? I don't know this guy.

He your friend?

00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,496

He kinda looks like Everett,

that little bit bi kid

00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,289

who's been working nights

at the bus station.

00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:24,967

- Are you excited to meet Santa?

- Sort of.

00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,887

I mean, I do love giving a list of demands

to a well-dressed stranger.

00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,306

Yeah. Something feels off.

00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,476

Ho ho ho.

Come on and sit on Santa's lap.

00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:35,603

Smile.

00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:40,983

Yeah, look how dry you are.

00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,444

I know you want this,

you thirsty little birch.

00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,279

Ooh, ooh, I'm spilling it.

00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,907

Too bad you don't have

any roots to soak it up.

00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,243

Hmm.

00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,702

Terry,

you don't seem into this.

00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,287

Why don't you deposit

another 50 bucks

00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,831

and we can talk about it?

00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,249

Who even cares?

00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:01,421

Why is this the only way

I can feel something?

00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,341

I know. I can't even enjoy

abusing this dead, sexy tree.

00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:06,968

Ugh.

00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,389

I feel an emptiness where there's usually

a glowing ember of holiday joy.

00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:13,975

And-and a little acid reflux

because I don't chew my food enough.

00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,270

Does anybody wanna go outside

and get hit by a bus with me?

00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:18,771

- Yeah, I'm in.

- Me too.

00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,148

Especially if it's number four.

00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,566

Wait!

00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,819

Aha! Exactly what I thought.

00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:26,404

Scanning.

00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,697

Ship sensors indicate

00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,907

that our holiday spirit

is completely gone.

00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,119

That can't be right. I love Christmas.

00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,328

Used to love Christmas.

00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,789

Now your holly and your jolly

have bottomed out.

00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,666

Jingle All the Way

must have sucked so hard

00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:40,126

that it killed

our Christmas spirit.

00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:41,836

That's why we all want

to cut ourselves?

00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,255

Is that why dead trees

don't make us all hard anymore?

00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:46,340

There has to be a way

to get our spirit back.

00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,259

Ooh, find someone cheerful

and drink their blood.

00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:51,429

Yes, of course. But also, we have to use

the Ready Player One device

00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:53,181

to go into better

holiday movies.

00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,142

It will be a pure injection

of fa-la-la to get our spirits back.

00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:58,769

You mean we can play parts

in all the Christmas classics?

00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,480

That's right.

The Solar Opposites are going

00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,690

into all your favorite

Christmas movies! Suck my ass!

00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,109

I want to live!

00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:07,069

- I want to live!

- I want to live!

00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:09,864

I want a limited edition

Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch

00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:11,157

and to live!

00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,703

Nobody likes

our stupid fucking noses.

00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,246

Being different sucks.

00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,082

Oh, Rudolphs,

I like your red noses.

00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,959

I like your musk too.

00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,794

And I'm at the height of my cycle.

00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,254

I can tell.

00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,595

- W-what are you doing out here...

- Shh!

00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:37,808

♪ Make my wish come true ♪

00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,812

♪ All I want

for Christmas is you ♪

00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,940

Check my Christmas spirit.

It's gotta be back.

00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,024

That should have done it.

00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,234

Scanning.

00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,152

Your spirit is at zero percent.

00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,737

That can't be right.

00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,531

We've been celebrating

the holiday AF.

00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,116

The only thing

I can feel anymore is pain.

00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,369

Why is this happening to us?

00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:57,954

We must have

residual plot sickness

00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,664

from not finishing the plot

from Jingle All the Way.

00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,958

But the story sucked ass.

It had no stakes.

00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,418

Now, Kindergarten Cop,

that was an Arnold movie

00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,878

where you cared

if the kid lived or died.

00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,588

Yes, but the Ready Player One

Device doesn't know that.

00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,673

It's impartial.

00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,132

It cast us as the dad

which means

00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,510

that even if it wasn't enough

to carry a two-hour movie

00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,512

getting that toy

for Jamie was important.

00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:18,182

Huh, I guess I am filled with regret that

I wasn't a better father to Jamie.

00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,142

When we bailed,

we only jingled part of the way.

00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,352

Christmas is tomorrow.

00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:22,770

If we don't get our spirit back

before it ends,

00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:24,438

- we never will.

- Are you sure?

00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,190

Remember what happened

with Veteran's Day?

00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,776

We lost our Veteran's Day spirit and now

we don't support the troops.

00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,653

Okay, so what do we do?

Convert to Jewishism?

00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,114

No, Terrence,

there's only one thing we can do.

00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:35,283

We have to go back.

Back to the Jingleverse.

00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,952

And this time,

we have to jingle all the way

00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,413

and take back

our Christmas spirit.

00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:49,130

Yeah, that's Everett.

Good worker. Sad to see him go.

00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,257

He's on the 736 to Las Vegas.

00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,093

Says he's gonna find himself

a new life away from his family

00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:57,722

where he can be a little bit

of whatever he wants.

00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,656

You don't want to

sit next to me. Nobody does.

00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,507

Whoa, what happened here?

00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:36,510

Oh, gross. It smells like

a Sharpie creampied a tire.

00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,430

Oh no. Oh shit. Okay.

Apparently, it's 80 years later here.

00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,223

I guess time moves a lot faster

in the Jingleverse

00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,308

than it does in the real world.

00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,392

This isn't gonna work.

00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,227

It's even less Christmassy

than before.

00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,396

Maybe it's not so bad.

Look, there's Santa.

00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,489

Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.

00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,328

Hey, fuck you.

Go hiss at someone else.

00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,248

Are you crazy?

Get in here. Hurry.

00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:10,336

Who the hell were those guys?

00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:11,921

Mutant Sinbads.

00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,131

They roam the streets

searching for Turbo Man toys.

00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,841

They're quick to violence

and prey on the weak.

00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,260

Mutants? There can't be mutants

in a Christmas movie.

00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,887

These are completely

shoehorned in.

00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,348

Like that spider-tank

from the end of Wild Wild West.

00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,475

We haven't celebrated

Christmas in years.

00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,060

Not since Jamie took over.

00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,311

Wait, that's our son.

00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,105

All four of us aliens, we're his father.

00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,606

I know it's a little confusing,

just go with it.

00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,608

Well, you did a shit

job raising him.

00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,443

Your son famously

hates Christmas.

00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,487

He wanted to get rid of

any holiday activity

00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,905

ever since you promised

to get him

00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,740

a Turbo Man toy then

abandoned him.

00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:40,825

It's all in his book.

00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,786

Through his media empire

and immense wealth,

00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,414

Jamie transformed this town

into an Escape From New York,

00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,834

Children of Men,

13 Going on 30 type dystopia.

00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:53,421

Worst part is, he still

makes us have a Wintertainment Parade

00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,798

at 11:45 p.m. on Christmas.

00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,843

What a weirdly specific time.

And a terrible name for a parade.

00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:00,136

It's canon, trust me.

00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,054

Now the parade is filled

with mutants,

00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,431

savages wearing mattresses,

00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,474

and demented karate-chopping Santas.

00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,184

You know, 'cause Jamie

did karate as a kid

00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,311

and his dad worked as

a mattress salesman or some shit.

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,440

Wow. I've never met a more

backstory-explaining character in my life.

00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,734

All characters

in the Jingleverse are shallow.

00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,277

That's part of the movie's DNA.

00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,362

I'm also stalling

so my friends can kill you

00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,780

and help me cook your bodies.

00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,283

Reavers, it's time to feast!

00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,701

We have the meats.

00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,121

Wait, why are you saying

the tag line from Arby's?

00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:29,123

Do-do they still have Arby's

in the Jingleverse?

00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,667

What the fuck is an Arby's?

That's just what I say.

00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,502

Stop! No, you don't have

to do this.

00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:40,009

I stole Jimmy Stewart's gun

from It's a Wonderful Life.

00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,011

Good stealing. Give me that.

You'll shoot your eye out.

00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,180

Alright, Korv, Christmas

is almost over. What's the plan?

00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,848

I have an idea. It's a long shot,

00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,725

and it sounded

really stupid way back at the beginning,

00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,685

but if we want

our Christmas spirit back,

00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,854

then we'll have to get Jamie

that Turbo Man toy.

00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,231

Oh please. You really think

we can finish that plot

00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,941

when everyone is trying

to eat each other?

00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,444

We have to. Let's all spread out

and search for a Turbo Man.

00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,238

Since when did Jimmy Stewart

have a gun in that movie?

00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,532

Everyone used to carry

a gun back then.

00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,659

Shirley Temple used

to keep one up her hoo-ha.

00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,620

That's what

the song Lollipop is about.

00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,371

Duh.

Everyone knows that.

00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,293

We're running out of time.

00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:15,878

Meet back here in an hour.

00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,671

And remember, don't forget

to spread the Christmas cheer.

00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,634

Uh... M-merry Christmas.

00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:25,012

♪ I don't want a lot

for Christmas ♪

00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,098

Ho ho ho!

00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,812

Aah! Snowflakes, sugar plums,

uh, shitty orange chocolate.

00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,065

♪ I just want you for my own ♪

00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,734

Oh! Oh, what fun it is

00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,737

to ride on a one horse...

00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,824

A one-horse open...

00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,327

♪ All I want for Christmas

is you ♪

00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,747

No way! Nobody wants me here.

00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,250

- Everett.

- Dad?

00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,628

Son, I love you. I am so sorry.

00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,089

I... I thought you

didn't want me to be a little bit bi.

00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,382

I was so wrong.

00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:04,009

That was super-disgusting

and stupid of me.

00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,720

Plus I found out Anna Paquin

is also a little bit bi,

00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,931

and she's an integral part

of the X-Men.

00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,641

You read my LiveJournal.

00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:24,530

Did anybody find

a goddamn Turbo Man?

00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,156

I found a bunch of Turbo Women.

00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,784

No, those suck.

They were just a cash grab.

00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,369

This is stupid. Why

can't we just use

00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,746

- our sci-fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?

- I already tried.

00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,457

My 3D printer won't break copyright

unless we're in Guam.

00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,501

Let's just let the mutants eat us.

00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,295

Better than living the

rest of our lives

00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,629

without being merry or bright.

00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,214

Argh! I wish I never

made us watch

00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,465

stupid Jingle All the Way.

00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,800

I should have picked

a regular Christmas movie,

00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,094

like Die Hard or Gremlins

or Piranha 3D.

00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,930

Shut the fuck up, Terry.

We'd be in the exact same situation.

00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,724

- Those aren't Christmas movies.

- They are too.

00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,143

Any movie that takes place

on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.

00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,269

I guess Piranha 3D doesn't.

00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:56,854

It's Christmas right now.

00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,188

Yeah, we get it. We're fucked.

00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,648

Aha! But we aren't.

00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,859

We just have to finish any plot

with Jamie in it.

00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:04,778

It will count as a Christmas movie

'cause it'll be on Christmas.

00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,072

That doesn't seem right.

I-i-is that how it works?

00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,575

Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have

to finish Jingle All the Way.

00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:11,035

We just have to finish any story.

00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,454

Then we'll end this thing

by apologizing to the little boy

00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:15,205

for something we

did 80 years ago

00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:16,999

and save the fuck out of Christmas.

00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:24,006

I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick

Everett out of the house

00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,257

for being a little bit bi.

00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,718

Gay, straight, any amount of bi,

00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,345

I love him no matter what.

00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,599

And I now believe everyone

should just be whoever they are.

00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,100

That's what Christ would want.

00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,852

- Amen.

- Thanks, Dad.

00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,020

Don't thank me.

00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,939

Thank this little blue stranger

00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,608

for bringing our family together

for Christmas.

00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,944

Is there anything in this world

I can give you

00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:48,238

that even comes close

to what you've given me?

00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,409

Really?

00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,411

And it's just locked up

in a child-proof cabinet?

00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,998

Jamie lives up there,

in the penthouse.

00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,583

He's clearly done well for himself.

00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,251

I'm so proud of our little boy.

00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,176

Aw great,

it's the Christmas Parade.

00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,345

That means it's 11:45 p.m.

00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,555

We only have 15 minutes

until Christmas is over.

00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,265

I knew that time was specific

for a reason.

00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,476

What are we gonna do?

They're parading right at us.

00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,561

Put me on the naughty list, bitch.

00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,025

Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,777

Hey, I know you assholes.

00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,529

Us? No, no, no, we're

just a couple

00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,656

of demented karate-chopping

Santas. Hyah!

00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,783

Fuck that shit.

We're gonna eat you.

00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:36,537

Reavers, it's time to feast!

Where's the beef?

00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,455

Okay, you have to know

that tag line's from Wendy's.

00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,082

It's-it's like the

most famous one.

00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:46,755

I think we lost them.

00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,424

Oh god, I got

some brain in my mouth.

00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:53,387

I'm seeing a lot of guards

with crazy-ass apocalypse weapons.

00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:55,639

And one guy is jerking off

in the bathroom.

00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,434

Jesus! He's really going to town.

He's fingering his own butt.

00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,560

Damn it. We're so fucked.

00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,395

Guys who jerk off

are always stronger afterwards.

00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,147

They're gonna find us, man.

We're running out of time.

00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,773

What are we gonna do?

00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:09,945

Plenty of time to carve

these fuckers new assholes

00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,864

and get home in time

for hot cocoa.

00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,199

The little alien girl is right.

We can do this.

00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,412

No weapons?

00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,705

I've been learning how to do

00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:20,831

single blow death punches

00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,166

as a Christmas surprise for you.

00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,876

Terry, that is so thoughtful.

00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,295

How did you know

I love overclocked martial arts movies?

00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:27,421

I pay attention.

00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:36,949

Jamie, your daddies are home.

00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:39,576

And we're here to apologize,

you little angel.

00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,293

You're late, fathers.

00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,672

Eighty years too late.

00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:54,299

Eww. His body's as crooked

and deformed as his soul.

00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,426

You've been making

Sinbad clones in here?

00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,886

I'm disappointed in you, son.

00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,889

We came here to apologize

for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.

00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,725

I already have a Turbo Man.

00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,270

I have all the Turbo Men.

00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:08,605

I refuse your pathetic apology.

00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:11,441

Where were you

when I needed a father?

00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,610

Look, man, in a world

with infinite streaming options,

00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,946

there just isn't any pressure

to finish watching what you start.

00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,198

I only watched an episode

and a half of Umbrella Academy.

00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,868

Could you just accept

our apology and stop being such a dick?

00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,538

When you abandoned me,

I realized I could only rely on myself.

00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:28,584

I built my empire and my army

of mutant clones to...

00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,919

No one cares. We only have

one minute of Christmas left.

00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,463

Just accept our apology

and finish this fucking story.

00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,841

Eat shit, Daddy.

00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,926

He's never gonna let us finish

our emotional journeys,

00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,303

but we have to wrap something up here.

00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:40,429

W-what do we do?

00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,222

Jamie used to be such a good boy.

00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,683

I can't believe he turned

into the bad gu...

00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,393

Wait a minute.

00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,438

Coming over to beg me more, Dad?

00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:50,898

Oh sweetie, no.

00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,692

I'm coming over to beat the shit

out of the bad guy

00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,402

and finish this damn movie.

00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,531

- My tooth!

- My heart!

00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,241

Oh my god, it's working.

00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,831

Guys, Jamie's not

our loving son anymore.

00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,333

He's the bad guy.

00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,752

All we have to do is kick

this old man's dick into his ass,

00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,545

and then we'll get

our spirits back.

00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:16,506

She's right, that felt great.

00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,343

Father. No!

00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,386

I have the spirit

of Christmas again.

00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,804

I feel amazing.

00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,723

Against all odds,

00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:28,310

each time the aliens struck

the withered old asshole,

00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,397

their hearts grew bigger

and bigger, filling with Christmas joy

00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,692

until they were ready to burst.

00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,331

This blood tastes

like Christmas.

00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,708

I feel brimming

with huggy holiday jingle joy.

00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,753

We all do, because we killed

our son as a family,

00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,880

and doing things

as a family on Christmas

00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,341

is the most Christmassy

Christmas shit of all.

00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,968

I love you guys.

00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264

Do we really have

to watch the credits?

00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:06,473

I don't know. Look at all

the shit that happened

00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:07,933

after we bailed early last time.

00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:09,184

Best to play it safe.

00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,937

Rita Wilson had two assistants?

00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,773

- How long are these credits?

- It can't be much longer.

00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:16,733

It didn't seem like it took

too many people to make this thing.

00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,527

Wait, wait, wait,

I think they're over.

00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,532

Second Unit in Canada. Boo!

00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,242

Fuck! Oh god!

00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:28,578

You know, that might have been

00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,414

a big, stupid, annoying,

stupid, shitty thing to do,

00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,874

but in the end, I'm glad

we spent Christmas together.

00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,042

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,627

We learned that spending time

as a family

00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:38,505

is more important than trying

to finish the plot of a '90s comedy.

00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:40,674

And if you think about it,

that was what Jingle All the Way

00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,342

was trying to teach us all along.

00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,054

Damn it, how did the Pupa get

his Harry Potter whistle again?

00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,098

Terry, I thought you locked it up

in the child-proof cabinets,

00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:49,558

where we keep the poison darts.

00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,226

I did, I did, I put it behind

the poison darts.

00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,936

That song is so annoying.

00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,938

You didn't even do any

of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.

00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,690

- You're bad.

- How does he keep getting that thing?

00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:58,317

Is he, like, out getting help?

00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,903

Who would do that?

He can't even complete a full sentence.

00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,740

Merry Christmas, everyone.

00:04:09,409 --> 00:04:10,819

МЫ ПРИДУМАЛИ ЖЁСТКИЙ ЗАКОН, ЗАПИСЫВАТЬ ВСЯКОЕ

КИНО С ТЕЛИКА И РАЗДАВАТЬ ЛЮДЯМ НЕ КРУТО

00:04:10,819 --> 00:04:12,139

БУДЕТЕ ПОСТУПАТЬ НЕ КРУТО, НАЙДЁМ ВАС, НАРУГАЕМ,

ПОСАДИМ В ТЮРЬМУ И ЗАБЕРЁМ ВСЕ ДЕНЕЖКИ

00:04:13,029 --> 00:04:16,139

«ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО»

00:05:58,809 --> 00:06:00,749

БЕСПЛАТНЫЕ ОБЕДЫ

00:06:17,119 --> 00:06:18,599

ТОРГОВЫЙ ЦЕНТР ГРЕТХЕН-ДАРТ

00:06:18,619 --> 00:06:21,889

«ДЕШЁВЫЙ ШИК»

00:06:36,179 --> 00:06:38,159

СЧАСТЛИВОГО РОЖДЕСТВА!

00:08:00,219 --> 00:08:02,869

«ЭТО — ЗАМЕЧАТЕЛЬНАЯ ЖИЗНЬ»

00:08:11,059 --> 00:08:12,379

«РУДОЛЬФ, АЛОНОСЫЙ ОЛЕНЬ»

00:08:28,209 --> 00:08:29,349

«РЕАЛЬНО, ЛЮБОВЬ»

00:08:32,789 --> 00:08:33,649

ЗАТКНИ ПАСТЬ!

00:08:33,669 --> 00:08:34,729

ИКТО НЕ НИДЕАЛЕН

00:08:34,749 --> 00:08:36,859

СЧАСТЛИВОГО РОЖДЕСТВА,

ИЗМЕНИ СВОЕМУ МУЖУ СО МНОЙ

00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:38,399

ЭПШТЕЙН НЕ ПОКОНЧИЛ С СОБОЙ

00:09:40,359 --> 00:09:42,169

«ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО»

00:10:26,489 --> 00:10:28,759

«ПОДАРОК НА РОЖДЕСТВО»

00:11:41,939 --> 00:11:44,089

«РОЖДЕСТВО — ЭТО ЛОЖЬ»

ПРОДОЛЖЕНИЕ КНИГИ «ИСКУССТВО СДЕЛКИ»

00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:23,979

«МИР ИГРУШЕК»

00:13:28,049 --> 00:13:29,029

НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА