Луч горгулий

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♪

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♪

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- Goddammit, Terrance!

- You rang?

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- Of course, I fucking rang.

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Did we or did we not decide

to paint an accent ceiling?

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- Yass.

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- And did we or did we not decide

to paint it eggshell white?

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The whitest of all whites.

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The Kaley Cuoco of whites.

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The "calling the cops

on a barbecue" of whites.

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- Sounds famil.

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- Then what in holy Gragnor's Crack

is this?

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- Hot dog consensually railing

a cupcake!

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Painted it last night after I smoked

some meth from my English pipe.

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It's a red velvet cupcake

so you know it's c-lassy.

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Ahh, you broke my Pipe-r Perabo!

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- Ha, missed me, sucka!

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- Choke on some

of this lattice red paint!

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TERRY: Ah, yeah!

[Jesse grunting]

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- Stop it! Stop it all of you!

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This was supposed to be something

we did as a family.

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Like playing golf

or when we got that portrait

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where we were all

in black turtlenecks and gold chains

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like Death Row Records.

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- Hi, Terry!

- Oh, hells no.

00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,426

Pupa can't join in.

He always gets paint all over himself,

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and then we don't know

what color he really is.

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- Yeah, remember when we thought

he was purple

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and had to sacrifice

that virgin e-sports kid?

00:00:57,266 --> 00:01:00,602

- Shame he died a virgin,

but at least he wasn't buried as one.

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- What's done is done.

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Now, as leader of this family

and unquestioned star of the show,

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I decree we paint the ceiling white.

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- Well, I don't decree that bullshite.

Do you guys decree that?

00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,821

- No!

- Kree-aw from Captain Marvel?

00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,656

- Okay, I've heard all of your

well-thought-out arguments

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and decided on a course of action.

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- The fuck you gonna do

with that gargoyle ray, fart face.

00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,453

- Oh nothing. Just gonna freeze

you guys for a while

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so I can finally do what I want!

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[grunting]

Dammit.

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- Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said

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this was the best dialysis machine.

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Oh dammit, I'm so sick

of those gargoyle-making aliens.

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Look what they've done to us.

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Our couch: gargoyle.

Our TV: gargoyle.

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Our dog: gargoyle.

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Fucking Mr. Peaches is a symbolic

gothic demon, Phil.

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And those dick-faced alien kids

run around all day with no supervision.

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Well, I am done.

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I'm calling the city

before they turn you into a--

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Son of a bitch!

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KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia

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until the asteroid hit.

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One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a pupa

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and escaped into... the space,

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searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

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We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,833

That's right. I've been talking

this whole time.

00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,585

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:09,046

This is-- this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,339

[stammers]

This is ridiculous.

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I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,675

People are stupid and confusing.

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I can't believe humans

haven't solved Pi yet.

00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:18,472

I almost want to tell you the answer

because it's embarrassing for you.

00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,098

Okay, it's four.

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♪

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- Ugh! Our water bill is crazy

this month.

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Why do you guys take

such long showers?

00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,611

Are you touching

your mounds again?

00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:34,738

You gotta stop touching it

or it's gonna fall off!

00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,448

- Man, this sucks!

That hot dog was art.

00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,242

- No, Terry,

Ready Player Three is art.

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Stop whining and hand me

another can of white paint.

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- Oh, this one?

You want this one? Okay.

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Yeah, just grab it. Go ahead.

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- Don't make me come down there.

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- Get it now.

- Goddammit.

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Would you give me that!

- Suck a big dick!

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- Whoa!

[doorbell rings]

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- Everyone freeze!

Child Protective Services!

00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,840

We got an anonymous tip

that children were being turned

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into gargoyles in this house.

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[sobs]

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CPS AGENT 2:

Uh, Jim. Which one are the kids?

00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:01,348

- Well, shit, they're drinking herbal tea

and clearly paying household bills

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but they're taller.

00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,268

- Plus, this one feels like

she has an old soul.

00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,018

- Huh?

00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,521

- [yelling]

She says you have an old soul!

00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,438

- Pshhh. Ahh.

00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,691

- Only one way to find out

who's a kid and who's not.

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- Okay, we gave you IQ tests

00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:15,696

and you two scored the lowest,

so you must be the kids.

00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,865

- That's bullshit, you know

these tests are culturally biased

00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,949

against plant-based lifeforms.

00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,868

- I don't test well!

I have attention deficit dis--

00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,287

Oh, I love your jacket!

Where did you get that?

00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:24,079

Is that Topman?

00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,247

- This is for the best.

00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:28,041

The accent ceiling is just a white symbol

for how much you guys don't get me.

00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,878

I need to be with people who...

are going in that sweet-looking van?

00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,546

- Shotgun!

- Fuck you, Terry.

00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,298

[grunting]

- Hey.

00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:35,549

Ah. Stop it.

00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,217

Ah, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,094

Ow, ow, ow, I said.

00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,012

- What's going to happen to them?

00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,139

- If they're lucky,

they'll be lost in the system,

00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,307

then end up on the street,

00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:45,601

sucking and fucking their way

to a dollar and a cent.

00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,770

- Oh man, that sounds like Terry.

He's gonna thrive.

00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,564

- What can we do?

- Forget about those kids.

00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,565

Go on with your life.

00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,902

Buy a Jimmy John's franchise

or a Jersey Mike's. Maybe a Blimpie's?

00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,862

Anything in the fast casual

sandwich space.

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,447

That's my side hustle.

Let me know.

00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,866

[van door closes]

[engine starts]

00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,327

- You think Terry and Korvo

are gonna be okay?

00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,787

- I really hope so.

I like them.

00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:09,124

- Today is gonna be one of those weird

Solar Opposites days, right?

00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,877

- You betcha!

Probably best to just roll with it.

00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,338

Last one to the school bus

is a deviled egg!

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CPS AGENT 1:

Welcome to CPS HQ.

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To save money, we share office space

with a Wing Stop.

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You're lucky, the cops have

to share with a Jiffy Lube.

00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,271

OFFICER 1: Motherfucker!

OFFICER 2: Freeze!

00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,151

- Wing Stop for da win!

Yay-yay!

00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,529

- I'm still mad at you

but in this one case, you are spot on.

00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,864

These Mango Habanero ones

are the T-I-Ts.

00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,616

- Bet they would taste great

with some Terry sauce.

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- Oh hell yes. Gimme!

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- It's too bad you can't have any

because you ruined my painting!

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[squirts]

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- Did you see what that kid just did?

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I think we might finally have one

for "Project Dark Brilliance."

00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,046

My Little Pony omega code three.

00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,423

Franklin, get him ready

for transport.

00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,596

YUMYULACK: Oh shit!

JESSE: Oh no!

00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,808

- What in the fuck are you two cocknobbers

doing in the hallway?

00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,809

- Oww!

00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,603

- Wait, I thought the Stacis

weren't bullying us anymore.

00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,773

- That's because our bullies union was

in negotiation with the teachers union,

00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,817

but we struck a deal that says

we can smoke cigarettes

00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,151

and bully kids on Wednesday.

00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,529

- Ah jeepers, it's Humpday.

00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,614

You gotta admire these ladies.

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By outsourcing their bullying,

they keep their hands clean.

00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,911

- It's called

plausible deniability, bitches!

00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,329

I learned it from my dad!

00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,249

- Principal Cooke, can you please

tell the Stacis to stop this?

00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,626

- I can't be talking

to any students today.

00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,253

I am not in a good place.

00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,964

Oh. Why!

Why does the world hate me?

00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:41,758

- Geez Louise, we gotta get

our life together

00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,595

or we're gonna end up

just like that sad bastard.

00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,972

- The only way we'll ever beat

the Stacis of the world

00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,682

is by understanding

how they think.

00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,810

- We could use the Psyche Ray

to get inside their heads.

00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,729

- I smell what you're dealing,

and I like it.

00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:57,065

- Okay, now boy alien tell girl alien

how gross her ankles are.

00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,942

- They look like mushy green straws.

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- Hyah!

[Yumyulack grunts]

00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,116

- See, Kevin, that's how

you land like a boss.

00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,868

Go cry to your whore mother.

00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,120

Hey, where's Terry? Is he dead?

Is he in Kentucky?

00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,123

- Terry is special, and he went

to a school for special kids.

00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,292

- Okay, but I thought we couldn't

call them "special" anymore

00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:16,210

because of Antifa.

00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:16,960

What about me?

00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,087

- We've found you a great home

with a very nice couple.

00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,298

- And I'll be their only child?

The center of their attention?

00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,050

The apple of their eye?

The star of their spin-off?

00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,427

- Uh, sure. He's a CPA, woo!

00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,763

And she is in charge

of writing instructions

00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,681

for all Best Buy branded refridge--

00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,559

- Shut up, you had me

at Best Buy branded refridge.

00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,105

[gulping]

00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154

[foreboding music playing]

[crow cawing]

00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,405

[beeping]

00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,867

- Dr. Weatherstone, how are

the new recruits looking?

00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:49,993

- Too early to tell, sir.

00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,121

Subject Delta 2 looks to be able

to summon fire from his penis.

00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,457

Subject Gamma 4 can move

a pineapple with her brain.

00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,126

And Theta 5 does

a mean Robert De Niro impression.

00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,504

- [mimicking Robert De Niro]

I have nipples, can you milk me, Greg?

00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,048

- That's one of the easy impressions,

like Kermit.

00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:03,966

Throw her in the kiln.

00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,552

- But it's Vega 6

that's got real potential.

00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,887

His numbers are off the charts.

Check this out.

00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,223

- New York, Atlanta, OC,

Dallas, DC,

00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,475

Bev Hills, Miami, SLC, DC--

00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,353

[speeding up] DC, OC, OC, NYC,

Bev Hills, Potomac, Miami, SLC--

00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,063

- He got all the Real Housewives.

00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:21,191

No kid has ever been able

to do a perfect RHO sequence.

00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,526

He's the one.

00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,403

- He's special,

but he's also an innocent.

00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:27,364

You can see it in his eyes.

I'm worried he won't make it.

00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,033

- Let me make this clear,

Dr. Weatherstone.

00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:33,662

I don't care that you're the most

attentive lover I've ever had,

00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,080

I make the rules around here.

00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,498

Prep him for surgery.

00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:40,252

Some crazy evil shit

is about to go down.

00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,671

[door closes]

- This is wrong.

00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,299

Someone has to do something,

and soon, or we're all--

00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,633

[alarm beeps]

Oh, lunchtime!

00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,385

Taco salad,

come to mama!

00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,262

[door opens, closes]

00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,014

- Listen up!

00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,724

I am Officer Clark.

00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:56,435

This is my partner, Officer McGar.

00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:59,396

We both served two tours

in Afghanistan.

00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,106

I'm only going to say this once!

00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,442

We are so fucking

00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,485

happy for you guys!

00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,488

You're all going to loving homes

and families!

00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,450

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, and these aren't shotguns,

00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:12,910

they're candy cannons!

00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:15,579

Boom! Boom! Sweetarts for everyone!

[kids cheering]

00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:20,334

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,211

♪

00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:25,672

TOUR GUIDE: Fun fact, the tunnel scenes

for Daylight were filmed right here

00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:29,343

due to tax rebates and the fact

that Sly Stallone got chlamydia

00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:32,763

from visiting a New York bathhouse

that he still frequents to this day!

00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:33,889

[groaning]

00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:35,682

[engine revving]

00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,392

[tires squealing]

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,478

- I have been assured

my new family will allow me

00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:41,855

to paint an accent ceiling

the color of my choosing.

00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,066

- My new family said

I could only stain a chair.

00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,692

- Sucks for you, Belinda.

00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,236

[tires squealing]

00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,154

[all screaming]

00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,322

[tires squealing]

00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,157

- Oh god, I was wrong.

It sucks for all of us!

00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,999

[metallic creaking]

00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,543

- Is this part of the tour?

00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211

- Great question.

But actually, no.

00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,380

- It's just one of

those horrible coincidences,

00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,924

like when the people on

the Fast and Furious 3D ride

00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,384

all had sex with Tyrese.

00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,010

- But I am part of the tour!

00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,262

- Holy shit, it's fuckin' Sly!

00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,138

- That's right, it's me, Sly Stallone.

00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,641

Sometimes I get bored

of all the charity work I do.

00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:20,394

I like to ride the bus undercover

and see how people react.

00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,311

[rumbling]

00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,230

Come on,

let's get you out of here!

00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,860

- Don't fucking touch me,

Sylvester Stallone.

00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:31,238

Don't you know who I am? I'm Korvo!

I do the hero shit around here!

00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:35,033

[eating noisily]

00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:35,701

[gasps]

00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:38,662

[sighs]

00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,753

- Okay, I'm gonna go in

and make sure Staci K. is alone,

00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,089

then I'll give you the signal.

00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,175

Wait for it.

- Wh-wh-what's the signal?

00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,802

- I don't know, I'm just making

this shit up as I go along.

00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,180

[sizzling]

00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,390

- Principal Cooke?

00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,267

Uh, what are you doing?

00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,644

- This is the only place that has

a strong enough power outlet

00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,896

for my hotplate.

00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:05,105

Please don't tell on me.

00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,525

If I get caught cooking beans and eggs

on school grounds again, I'll lose my job.

00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,277

This is all I have!

00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,695

- Die, motherfucker!

- No, wait!

00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,990

[screaming]

00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:16,992

[farts]

00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,037

- Well, this day just took a turn.

00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,331

But I guess this is

exactly what I thought

00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:23,999

a boring principal's brain

would look like.

00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,668

- Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic.

00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,753

- How do we get out of here?

00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,506

- Good thing I read

the Psyche Ray manual

00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:31,798

so I know what to do.

00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,008

- Yeah, I read it too.

00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,385

But maybe explain the rules to me

as if I was, like, someone

00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,137

who binge-watches

premium streaming TV.

00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,013

- Yay, you.

00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:40,265

All we have to do is find

Cooke's inner child,

00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,558

and he will lead us out.

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:42,726

- Seems simple enough.

00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:47,189

JESSE: Aw jeez, turns out

Principal Cooke is hella deep.

00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,650

♪

00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:53,612

- Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you

when she got kicked in the stomach

00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,739

by that Budweiser Clydesdale.

00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,534

- Wow. I just thought Principal Cooke

was a big bag of sad

00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:02,120

'cause he had to work with kids,

but he clearly has daddy issues!

00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,914

Surprised he's not workin' a pole.

00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,999

- I don't know,

I think his dad seems rad.

00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,709

Hey, is that the Inner Child?

[growls]

00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,968

- I don't think so.

Check out that Fudgsicle.

00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,053

Cooke went crazy

when it spilled before.

00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,097

This must be

Cooke's Temper Monster!

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,515

It's fueled by all his anger.

00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:24,601

If he catches us,

we'll never get out of the psyche!

00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,478

[roars]

00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,355

[screaming]

00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,650

[shivering]

00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,068

[grunts]

[can clatters]

00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,738

- Hey Dr. W.,

has anyone ever told you,

00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,615

you look just like that girl

from the movies.

00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,617

- Amy Adams? Rachel McAdams?

- No. No.

00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,703

- Elizabeth Banks? Emma Stone?

- Nah.

00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,162

- No. Oh, it's Kathy Bates!

00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,457

- What? Forget it. I've decided

to break you out. To save you.

00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,542

- But I love it here.

00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:51,170

I got my Switch, and they let me paint

my accent ceiling any color I want!

00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:53,589

- [Dr. Weatherstone gasps]

Oh wow, that's fucking classy.

00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:56,383

But look, Terry,

you're too special for this place.

00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,719

Trust me, they are going

to do terrible stuff to you

00:11:58,719 --> 00:11:59,636

if you stay here.

00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,637

[whispers]:

Butt stuff.

00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,014

- [gasps]

But I don't have a butt!

00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,807

- That's even worse!

Come on!

00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,268

[alarm blaring]

00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,145

[engine starts]

00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,147

MAN ON RADIO: The tunnel is closed

due to a cinematic crash.

00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,983

There seems to be some sort

of Daylight situation going on.

00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,860

- Dammit, the tunnel was our way out!

00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,904

- I don't understand

what's happening right now!

00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,615

♪

00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,494

- Okay, Sylvester Stallone, I've

got places to be and families to join.

00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122

This is big boy time, and you

and I are clearly the alpha dogs here.

00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,916

The main men,

the stinkiest poops.

00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,167

What's our plan to save the day?

00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,045

- Listen, little blue boy,

go back with the other orphans

00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:37,216

and let an 11-time Golden Raspberry

Award-winning actor take care of this.

00:12:37,216 --> 00:12:39,927

- Not good enough, Demolition Man,

I need the deets.

00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,846

- Okay, I promise I will get

all of you out of here alive.

00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:45,182

It's not gonna be easy,

some of you will die,

00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,642

but if we can swim

through the water

00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,727

without getting eaten

by the tunnel alligators,

00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,688

then as God as my witness,

I will save all of your lives.

00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,857

Except most of you,

who will probably die.

00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:56,109

- Pfft! That sounds super fucking lame.

00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:59,321

First, tunnel alligators don't exist,

only rats that cook French food.

00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,365

B, everyone should come with me

'cause I'm an alien,

00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,950

I'm a leader,

and I know leader shit.

00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,827

Like, um, heat signatures.

Huh? Huh? That's pretty cool.

00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,412

Who's impressed?

I know that guy is.

00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,497

[rumbling]

00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:10,582

- We'll go with you.

- Good luck, suckers.

00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:12,751

Hope you're not Expendable!

Get it?

00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,338

♪

00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,966

[electricity crackling]

00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,510

- Told you this would be way cooler

than whatever Rocky IV is doing.

00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,345

[metallic creaking]

[all scream]

00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,974

- You sure this is safe?

- Yeah, man, don't be such a--

00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,559

[growling]

Holy fuck, tunnel gators!

00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:29,768

I knew it! I'll save you!

00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,728

[men screaming]

00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:32,855

You guys got this, right?

00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,524

- No, we don't have it!

Come back!

00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:38,026

[Temper Monster growling]

00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,361

[thudding footsteps]

00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,241

- I think we're lost!

None of this was in the manual!

00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,952

- Wait, I know what this is.

It's Super Mario 64, right?

00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,037

- I don't know boomer shit like that!

00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,540

- Come on, if we wanna get out of here,

we have to jump into the paintings.

00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:52,457

- Are you sure?

00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,585

- I've never been more sure

of anything in my entire life.

00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:55,586

[both grunt]

00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,588

- Stop trying to play the trumpet.

00:13:57,588 --> 00:14:00,591

You are going to be a principal.

That's why I named you Principal.

00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:04,428

- Oh my god, Principal Cooke's name

is Principal Principal Cooke?

00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,473

[playing off-tune]

00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,058

- I told you to stop playing!

00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,687

You'll never be as good as Trumpet,

your brother, and he's dead!

00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:14,730

[slams door]

00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,191

[grunting]

00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:19,526

[rumbling]

[screams]

00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,362

- Keep trying, you piece of shit!

Keep trying!

00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,864

You've killed everybody else!

00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,325

You know what,

you haven't killed me!

00:14:26,325 --> 00:14:28,243

- Mr. Stallone,

who are you talking to?

00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,370

- I actually don't know

who I was talking to.

00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,290

It's from my best movie,

1996's Daylight.

00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:34,082

Have you heard of it?

00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,921

- Uh, maybe you were yelling

at the tunnel itself

00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,632

because it's kind of

the bad guy character in the movie.

00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:45,427

- Exactly! Like how Paris is a character

in London Has Fallen.

00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:48,096

Yo! What the hell

are you doing back here?

00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,349

- I saved those other guys

and came back to save all of you

00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:52,226

'cause I'm sure Stallone

cocked it all up.

00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:54,394

[rumbling]

[Korvo screams]

00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:56,480

Fuck!

00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,607

- Hold on! I'll save you!

00:14:58,607 --> 00:14:59,858

- Yeah, hold on!

I'm saving you!

00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,276

- That's literally impossible!

00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,111

- You're literally impossible!

[grunts]

00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,072

[Stallone screaming]

00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,907

- Sly! No!

00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,909

- You guys saw that.

I tried to save him.

00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,202

Th-there was nothing I could do!

00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:11,578

I'm the leader now. L-let's go.

00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,538

- Look!

00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,292

[Stallone grunts]

- That asshole ran off and left me to die!

00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,086

- Not true. No.

I-I-I went to get help.

00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,254

[rumbling]

00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:22,631

- We have to get out now.

We don't have time for this.

00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,300

- But we do have time for me

to make a dramatic speech.

00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,511

When we first met,

00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:30,180

we were a bunch of beautiful strangers

thrown together

00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,890

in an impossible situation.

00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:35,561

But now, we are tunnel brothers

and sisters.

00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,313

Some of us may have sex with--

00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,065

Ah!

- That's what I'm talking about!

00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:42,317

[rumbling]

00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:46,071

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,156

♪

00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,994

♪

00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,999

♪

00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:57,791

- Hurr!

00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,460

[firing]

00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,212

[screaming]

00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,594

- [yawns]

Where are we, Kathy Bates?

00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:10,721

- No idea. Let's get some food

and get back on the road.

00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:12,723

I made contact

with "The Genius Initiative."

00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,267

They're a secret group

that protects specials like you.

00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,978

I've thrown away everything

I ever worked for for you, Terry.

00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,521

I'm going to be with you

the whole time.

00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,732

I couldn't have my own children

'cause I was kicked in the stomach

00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:23,233

by a Budweiser Clydesdale.

00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,693

I'm gonna be your Mommy now.

00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,737

God, I've waited all my life

to say that!

00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,155

- [yawns]

Whatevs. Let's eat.

00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:31,158

I got a hankering for a Salisbury Steak

or maybe some Sand Dabs.

00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,368

Definitely in need

of a large glass of scotch.

00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:36,413

- Wait, what? Scotch? Sand Dabs?

No kid would ever eat that.

00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:40,209

- BevMo Card, Kleenex, ticket stub

to a Counting Crows concert,

00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:42,044

a fucking digital camera!

00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,420

You're not a special kid!

00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,088

- Doy. I never said I was a kid.

00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,216

- Holy shit, what have I done?

00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,008

[grunts]

00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,094

- What about my Nintendo?

00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:52,387

[grunts]

[tires squealing]

00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:53,347

Switchy!

00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,976

- Whoa. Principal Cooke has seen

some darkness.

00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,062

Now I kinda like him.

- Me too!

00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,272

All he ever wanted to do

was play the trumpet,

00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:05,025

but his Dad was

a big fat piece of shit.

00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,653

Maybe we were meant to be here.

00:17:07,653 --> 00:17:10,572

Maybe today is about seeing people

through their eyes

00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,324

and not how we perceive them.

00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:15,035

Maybe if we help Principal Cooke,

we'll get out alive

00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,788

and with a better understanding

of how a life not lived

00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:19,540

can crush a man's soul.

00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,375

- Okay, that is way too bleak for me.

00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,085

This isn't Bojack Horseman.

00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,336

[Temper Monster growling]

Oh shit.

00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:25,170

We're running out of time!

00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,631

- This has gotta be it.

Cooke's playroom when he was a kid.

00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:30,092

Look, PPC: Principal Principal Cooke.

00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:31,093

[growling]

00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,182

- There's the Inner Child!

00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,311

- What the teets?

00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,481

- I think it's an American Boy doll

they released in the '70s.

00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,149

DOLL: I'm going to find a wife

that will cook and clean

00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,151

while I'm out screwing

my Brazilian secretary!

00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,486

[thudding footsteps]

[both scream]

00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,155

[roaring]

00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,036

COOKE: Did I burn down

the girls' bathroom

00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,955

making beef stew on my hot plate?

00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,373

Yes. Yes, I did.

00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:03,667

The question we should

really be asking is:

00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,502

was the beef stew good?

00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,546

No. No, it was not.

00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:10,007

- You were told not to cook

at school anymore.

00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:13,051

I don't care if beef stew

is my third favorite stew,

00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:14,636

I have no choice but to fire--

00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:15,304

[babbling]

00:18:15,304 --> 00:18:17,222

[moaning]

00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,975

[grunting]

00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,436

- This is Cooke's room.

And these are Cooke's toys, right?

00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,521

If the Temper Monster can control them,

00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,732

then maybe he is actually

the Inner Child.

00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:29,568

- Yes! Cooke must have so much

residual anger and regret

00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:31,528

that his child turned

into the monster.

00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,822

- Of course! The answer is jazz!

00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,074

- Goddammit! Why is the answer

always fucking jazz?

00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:39,578

- Hey, bud. Remember what

you wanted to be.

00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:42,539

It's not too late.

You can still be like Trumpet, you know.

00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:44,333

- Huh.

00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:46,084

- Quick, Yum,

what do you know about jazz?

00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,294

You watched all of Treme.

00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,171

- That's just 'cause

I love Steve Zahn.

00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:52,216

But I think you just make a lot of noises,

and that counts as jazz.

00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:54,760

Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop!

00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,553

Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop--

00:18:56,553 --> 00:19:00,265

- This feels really disrespectful

and borders on cultural misappropriation!

00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,642

- In this one case, it's okay!

00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:06,063

[both scatting]

00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,108

[sighs]

00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,155

- It's working!

- We're getting out of here!

00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,741

[crying]

00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:20,536

- Trumpet!

I miss my dead brother!

00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:24,456

It should've been me that died in that vat

of cookie dough at Mrs. Fields!

00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,958

- Cooke, what's wrong with you?

00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:29,837

- I'm sorry, the only way

I can describe it is through jazz!

00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,422

[scatting]

00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:42,391

♪ Get it? ♪

00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,729

[all applauding]

00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,858

- We get it now.

Jazz made us totally get it.

00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,111

- Our work here is done.

BOTH: Ah.

00:19:54,111 --> 00:19:56,029

- STACI K: What the fuck

are you doing in our hallway?

00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,656

To the bleachers now!

00:19:57,656 --> 00:20:00,242

- Ah, son of a bitch,

it's still Wednesday I guess.

00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,159

[grunts]

00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:03,996

♪

00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:08,292

♪

00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,127

- Click.

00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:14,673

♪

00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:17,259

[indiscernible radio chatter]

00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:20,429

- Hey, Korvo. Sorry I roundhouse

kicked you in the head.

00:20:20,429 --> 00:20:22,514

I just had to do

what a leader does.

00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,434

You know, it's moments like this,

moments of crisis,

00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:27,978

when you find out who you really are

and where you belong.

00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:30,856

- Wow, Sylvester Stallone,

I never thought of it that way.

00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:33,609

- I learned that from Dolly Parton

on the set of Rhinestone

00:20:33,609 --> 00:20:35,611

when a grip was choking

on an egg roll.

00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,613

I froze up. But Dolly didn't.

00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:39,448

She saved that fat man's life.

00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,950

That was the moment I realized

she was the star,

00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:45,370

and I was not... gonna get a look

at those massive hooters.

00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,332

Anyway. I'm out.

You need a ride somewhere?

00:20:48,332 --> 00:20:51,168

- Yes, I do.

I need to go home to my family.

00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,253

That's where I belong.

Holy shit.

00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:54,838

Is that the truck from Over The Top?

00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:57,007

- Yep. I keep everything

from my films.

00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:59,968

I got the plans for my escape

from Escape Plan in the cab.

00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,678

You wanna see them?

- Hell fuckin' yes!

00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,138

Hey, w-will you autograph my neck?

00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,557

What a day.

00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,267

You want to know what I learned?

- No one's asking.

00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,311

- I learned that every story

can't be through your eyes.

00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,687

You can't always be the star.

00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:12,773

Sometimes you have to be

the funny-talking foreigner,

00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:14,816

like Rob Schneider in every movie

for a hot second.

00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,194

- What about Deuce Bigalow?

He was the lead in that one.

00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,029

- And The Animal.

Oh, and The Hot Chick.

00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,697

- Man, Schneider had

a lot of swings at the plate.

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,157

- He's got star quality!

00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,117

Look, I've been the lead

in this family for far too long.

00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,244

It's time for someone else.

00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:26,995

Terry, this is very hard for me,

00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:29,248

we can paint the accent ceiling

whatever you want it to be.

00:21:29,248 --> 00:21:30,290

- What's an accent ceiling?

00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:33,168

- Wow, Korvo. Yum and I kinda learned

the same thing as you.

00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,962

- I love it when

a theme comes together!

00:21:35,671 --> 00:21:37,548

- Goddammit, Pupa.

What did I tell you about the paint?

00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:38,423

- He's a total mess.

00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:41,635

- Have you just been sitting around here

all day getting dirty, ya little shit?

00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:44,137

- Why are you such a lazy sack

of shit, Pupa? Answer me!

00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:47,391

[all shouting]

00:21:47,850 --> 00:21:50,102

[thunder rumbling]

00:21:50,102 --> 00:21:52,855

- Trumpet, I know

I haven't tooted you in ages.

00:21:52,855 --> 00:21:56,900

All my life, I thought I was the one

that should have died in that Mrs. Fields.

00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,362

But now I realize, no,

you were supposed to die

00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:02,531

and I was supposed to live

00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:05,367

so I could give the world this!

00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:05,993

[inhales deeply]

00:22:05,993 --> 00:22:07,744

[playing off-tune]

00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:08,495

Shit!

00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,330

[playing off-tune]

00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,206

Fuck!

00:22:11,206 --> 00:22:15,919

[playing off-tune]

00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:20,424

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

00:22:20,424 --> 00:22:24,928

♪

00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:01,757

[mimicking laser fire]

00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:27,456

СЛУЖБА ПО ЗАЩИТЕ ДЕТЕЙ

00:04:29,456 --> 00:04:31,216

ПОЛИЦИЯ

00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:03,036

ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА

00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,556

ВЕСЁЛОЙ СРЕДЫ

00:06:00,876 --> 00:06:02,116

СЛУЖБА ПО ЗАЩИТЕ ДЕТЕЙ

00:06:42,126 --> 00:06:44,256

ШКОЛА ХАВЬЕРА И СЕКРЕТНАЯ ЛАБОРАТОРИЯ,

ГДЕ МЫ ИЗМЫВАЕМСЯ НАД ДЕТЬМИ. (МЕЖДУ НАМИ, ЛАДЫ?)

00:07:50,216 --> 00:07:51,976

СЛУЖБА ПО ЗАЩИТЕ ДЕТЕЙ

00:08:18,476 --> 00:08:20,296

ЗНАМЕНИТЫЙ ТУННЕЛЬ

00:08:22,796 --> 00:08:25,596

ЭКСКУРСИЯ ПО ФИЛЬМУ «ДНЕВНОЙ СВЕТ»

00:09:39,516 --> 00:09:40,536

ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА

00:10:17,456 --> 00:10:24,376

НО СНАЧАЛА КОФЕ!

00:11:33,076 --> 00:11:33,956

ШКОЛА ХАВЬЕРА И СЕКРЕТНАЯ ЛАБОРАТОРИЯ,

ГДЕ МЫ ИЗМЫВАЕМСЯ НАД ДЕТЬМИ. (МЕЖДУ НАМИ, ЛАДЫ?)

00:16:02,416 --> 00:16:05,156

ЗАПРАВКА

00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:57,916

ИДЁТ СОБРАНИЕ ШКОЛЬНОГО СОВЕТА

00:20:03,966 --> 00:20:08,256

МОЯ СЕМЬЯ

00:21:47,336 --> 00:21:51,336

ТРУБА КУК

НАШ ЛЮБИМЫЙ СЫН, РАВНЫХ КОТОРОМУ НЕТ