Лучи, превращающие людей в разные вещи

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♪

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♪

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[screams]

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- Is that a fucking mosquito?

00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:14,681

[screeches]

00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:15,807

- Run!

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♪ dramatic music playing ♪

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[screeches]

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Ugh! It fucking slimed me!

00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,530

- I'm not a goddamn runner!

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I have flat feet and a super-long torso!

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[grunts]

00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,036

- Aah!

- What the shit!

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[screeches]

00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,877

[growls]

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[both grunt]

- My skin is burning!

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[both scream]

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[screeching]

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[Halk grunts]

CHERIE: What the hell?

00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,434

- You got skeeter saliva on you.

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Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.

00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,314

Come with me if you want to larva.

00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:08,443

You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes

are larva and the movie--

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Uh, whatever, just let's go

so you don't die.

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KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

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Until the asteroid hit.

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One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:21,748

and escaped into, uh, the space,

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searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

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We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,548

That's right,

I've been talking this whole time.

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I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

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This is-- this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,137

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

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I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

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People are stupid and confusing.

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Why do you let Tom Cruise do

all his own stunts?

00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,602

The man's going to get himself killed.

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Please, Mr. Cruise,

if you're within the sound of my voice,

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scale it back.

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You're the greatest entertainer

the world has ever known.

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And I'm sure your beliefs

are reasonable too.

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I haven't looked into it.

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♪

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[panting]

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[grunting]

00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:02,706

- Ah.

00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:03,832

[gasps]

00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,628

[straining]

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[grunts]

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[machinery whirring]

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- Mm.

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The winner of the house

smoothie challenge is... Terry.

00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,520

- What?

- Yes, biatches! I only used vodka!

00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,022

- In what world does my

Hot Meatloaf Smoothie not win?

00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,191

Taste it again.

That's real-ass butter, son.

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[all scream]

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- Eat meatloaf, monster!

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JESSE: Please stop!

00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,823

- Jesse! What the hell happened

to our Emily in Paris body suit?

00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,742

- Guys, I was undercover in the human suit

00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,285

when I overheard huge news.

00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,538

- There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?

00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,248

- No.

- Then what the fuck, Jesse?

00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:47,292

- There I was,

doing hard investigative journalism

00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,670

on why humans like hummus

and then suddenly--

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KORVO: Snore. Skip to the end!

00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:55,300

JESSE: I heard that our town

might be listed by Parade Magazine

00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,636

as one of the Ten Nicest Places to Live!

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And the judges are coming this week!

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KORVO: Don't care.

This is a horrible use of a flashback.

00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:05,310

- And our family was not invited

to the giant town photo.

00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,562

- What...

- The...

- Hell!

00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:09,064

- We weren't invited to something?

Now I fucking care.

00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,691

- Hold up, everyone hold your butts.

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You sure they're talking

about The Solars?

00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:15,112

Or was it The Kohlers,

those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?

00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:18,282

'Cause last time I checked,

this town straight-up loves us.

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We totally settled this

with Nanobot Man, 'member?

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,869

The whole people liking us stuff?

00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,246

- And I'm basically

the moral center of this town.

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That's why I gave the mayor my Yum-signal

00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,792

in case they ever need

my vigilante services.

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[siren wailing in distance]

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[bird coos]

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- Yumyulack,

you're the moral center of dick.

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And, Jesse, your sources suck.

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Why are we fucking paying

for that journalism MBA

00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,927

from Grand Canyon University?

- It's true!

00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,346

People are afraid of us

'cause we're always zapping them

00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:42,723

into random things.

00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,559

- "Zapping"? Please.

I don't zap. Name one time.

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- When you turned people who love

dinner parties into bottles of wine.

00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,855

- Look at how tight my calves were.

00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:53,358

- And remember Terry turning

Red Goobler's fiancée into a rat?

00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,943

- Who is framing these?

00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,737

- That was a couple of losers

who deserved it.

00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,323

But this idea that the entire town

is scared of us is batshit.

00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,657

Watch, I-I-I'll prove it to you.

00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:04,077

- See? The mailman is delivering our mail

like he does for everybody.

00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,039

From a safe distance,

with an LA Sparks-branded T-shirt cannon.

00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:08,415

What up, Franklin!

00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,542

- Please don't turn me into horsey sauce

00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,711

like you did to Doug,

who used to have this route!

00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,880

- Well, maybe Doug shouldn't have

crinkled my magazines!

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,256

- Hang on. I'm sensing a pattern.

[men gasp]

00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,133

That group of tough guys

wearing Judas Priest shirts

00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,302

crossed the street only after they saw us.

00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,679

And is this why planes never fly

over our house?

00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,766

Harrison Ford has crashed into every yard

on this street except ours.

00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,850

[tires screeching]

00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:30,312

- And did you guys ever notice how

the Pupa only has "away-game" playdates?

00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,688

- [gasps] Wait a fucking minute.

00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,690

Is that DoorDash guy delivering food

00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,567

straight to Kevin's door?

00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,985

I thought the "Dash" was on us!

00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,655

- I always have to pick it up

from DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.

00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,907

The ramen turns into a cold brick

by the time I get home.

00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:44,826

- Fam, we gotta fix this.

I want that hot Dash!

00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,246

- Jesse, you're always

annoyingly preachy about kindness.

00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,622

Teach us how not to be jerks.

00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,582

- First lesson: say please.

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- No, I'm the goddamn boss.

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Put a dime in

the "Know Your Place" jar, you snizz.

00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,421

- Oh, this ain't gonna be easy.

00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,509

- Hey, isn't this where we had

our Shlorpian sexual harassment training?

00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:01,885

Who was the hot guy who ran it?

00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,011

Real strong shoulders,

00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:04,680

like cum gutters on the roof,

know what I'm sayin'?

00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,973

- Listen up, maggots!

00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,892

I only have 23 hours

to teach you some empathy

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before Parade Magazine judges this town!

00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,230

[ticks]

00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,191

This is a paintball gun

that represents our sci-fi rays.

00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,026

Repeat after me. I will not use this--

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[firing]

[Pupa gulps]

00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,988

- I need more paintballs, woman!

00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,615

Please.

[Pupa burps]

00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:24,658

[alarm blares]

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- Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.

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And this mechanic's gonna tell you

what's wrong with your car.

00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,499

- This piece of cardboard shit thinks

he knows more than me?

00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,668

JESSE:

We're just gonna listen to him.

00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,296

- You see, when the warning light goes on,

00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:39,089

that means there's a problem.

00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,841

- I know what

a warning light is, cocksnot!

00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,384

JESSE:

Ah-ah-ah. Patience.

00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,386

Remember, he's just trying to help.

00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:46,054

This here's yer spark plug.

00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,390

Ya want me to write

those words down for ya?

00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,976

- Bitch!

JESSE: Hear him out.

00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,604

- That'll be $300.

00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:55,606

[screams]

[firing]

00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:56,523

[alarm blares]

00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,567

- Okay. Terry, you're in an Uber pool.

00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,694

- Wow, how frugal of me.

I'm growing already!

00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,530

JESSE: All you need to do is

make it across the room.

00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,032

- Okay, I see what's happening.

00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,659

These Red Sox fans are gonna

yammer on about Beantown,

00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:09,703

and you think I'm gonna turn them

into chowda or some shit.

00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,414

But joke's on you, kid,

because I love Boston.

00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:15,250

That's why I got a We Bought a Zoo

Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip!

00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,294

So start her up, Jesse. Gimme your worst!

00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,254

CARDBOARD SOX FAN 1:

Did you hear what happened at the end

00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,965

of Fast and Furious 10:

10 Fast, 10 Furious?

00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,675

- Ahh. No spoilers! Stop the car!

00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:24,927

JESSE:

Stay calm and use your words.

00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,678

- I heard Vinnie Diesel

steals the Space Shuttle.

00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:28,764

- Remove your mouths from your faces!

00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,015

- I couldn't believe they killed--

00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:32,601

- I will burn every last Dunkin Donuts

in this hemisphere,

00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,520

you Guinness-blooded dem-apple havers!

00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,021

[firing]

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[alarm blares]

[Pupa gasps, gulps]

00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:38,982

[whistling sigh]

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JESSE: Okay, we're gonna

make this real simple.

00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,820

Just order from the menu.

00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:47,366

- I'd like a grilled cheese... please.

00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,367

JESSE: That's the ticket!

00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,078

- Would you like mozzarella,

American, provolone--

00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,287

[Yumyulack screams]

[paintball gun fires]

00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,664

- Why would you do that?

00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:56,041

- Come on! Cheddar wasn't even

in their top three!

00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:02,005

[whistling]

00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,301

CHERIE:

Jesus. This was the prison level.

00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,262

You can still see the tally marks

on the walls.

00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,806

Oh god, this guy only made it one day.

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,224

That's depressing.

00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:14,101

- Well, prisons in the time

of The Duke, yeah.

00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,602

But now, it's home.

00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,020

Come on! You must be starving.

00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,772

- What the hell are we doing?

00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,816

Do I need to remind you

that the last people we followed

00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:21,900

ate Joe Sanders?

00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,486

- Dude. That's the Janitor. He was one

of the first people in the Wall.

00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,487

- So?

00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,448

- So, he must know

how to stop the mosquitoes.

00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,785

- We did what we came to do.

The power is on. Let's go home.

00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,787

- And put my baby to sleep every night

00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,958

knowing that at any second

a dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,085

Fuck that. Who knows how many there are?

00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,045

- Well, there's about ten

by your feet right now.

00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:43,463

[gasps, screams]

00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,464

[larva squeals]

00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,175

- How do we kill them all?

00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,969

- You can't. I'll show you why.

00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,304

[Janitor whistles]

00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,431

- Hell no. Absolutely not.

00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,602

No goddamn respect.

00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:59,730

No one listens, fucking bugs spittin'

on me and shit--

00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,566

- So... How'd we do?

00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,610

- You all failed miserably!

00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:05,944

- Uh, recount much?

00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,655

- Not one of you thought

about another person's feelings!

00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,658

The Parade Magazine judges

will be here in a few hours!

00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:14,661

[ticks]

00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,164

- Whatever. Who cares

if we're not invited.

00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,790

I say we photobomb these losers.

00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:19,917

- Hard agree.

00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:22,920

What if we turn everyone who was shitting

on us into actual Polaroids?

00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,088

I can whip up a ray gun that will--

- Brill, Korvo.

00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,507

- You leave me no choice.

00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,759

I invoke Taro Nedgerton!

00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:29,801

[all gasp]

[Pupa coughs]

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:30,886

- You're banishing us?

00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,014

- A Shlorpian can only invoke

Taro Nedgerton once in a lifetime.

00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,391

You can't just willy-nilly invoke

Taro Nedgerton.

00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,810

- We did it the first day we landed

and now we can't invoke shite.

00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,646

- I invoke!

[blows whistle]

00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,898

KORVO:

Don't do this, Jesse! Please!

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,566

AISHA:

Banished Shlorpians must remain

00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:47,319

in the brainwashing room

for a full solar cycle.

00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:48,362

- A year?

00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,280

AISHA:

Or until you assholes learn empathy.

00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,281

- A year?

00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:55,285

AISHA: Commencing

sympathy re-education in three, two--

00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:59,873

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

[all scream]

00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,834

KORVO:

Why is a puppy friends with an otter?

00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:02,960

They don't share a habitat!

00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,712

YUMYULACK:

The rainbows! They burn my eyes!

00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,048

- Now everyone in town

can be who they want

00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,551

without sci-fi messing up their life.

00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:11,677

TERRY:

Okay, I think it's over--

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,929

Oh no. Babies discovering bubbles!

00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:15,138

[all scream]

00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,142

- Oh god no.

Marlo! Marlo, get back here!

00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,686

Not the aliens' house.

00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,271

Anywhere but the aliens' house!

00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,481

Shit, shit, shit. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,025

- Hi there, neighbs!

00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:30,612

- Oh god, I'm sorry! The leash slipped.

Please don't tell Korvo. Oh god.

00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:33,282

- You don't have to worry

about my family anymore.

00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,868

They're all hella locked up.

Have a fun day!

00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,160

[humming]

00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,252

- Hey! Remember those dicks who turned me

into a gummy bear last year?

00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,879

- It was technically a Swedish Fish.

00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,505

I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.

00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,716

It was the second craziest 9-11

of my life.

00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:54,136

- Well, they're all locked up!

We can be jerks again!

00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,847

[all chuckle]

♪ electronic music playing ♪

00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:01,059

ALL: [howling]

Jeeerks!

00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,021

[man grunts]

00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:05,022

[girl screams]

00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,398

- Jeeerks!

00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,983

Jeeerks!

00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:10,402

- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:12,988

Jerks!

00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,325

[howling]

00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:18,452

[howling continues]

00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:21,580

- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jeeerks!

00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,833

- Now generally, I'm a dark meat guy.

00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,212

But when it comes to skeetos,

you want that sweet yellow meat.

00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,757

- So you're kinda like Quint

from Jaws, but for bugs?

00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,258

- Hey, that's what I'm going for.

00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,801

I got bored making diaphragms

00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,095

out of the lambskin scraps

Yumyulack gives us.

00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,640

So now I come down

to the lower levels, catch a bug,

00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,767

go back up, sell its meat

at the meat market.

00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:44,311

All this time, you thought

you were eating turkey jerky.

00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,563

But no, that is grade-A mosquito.

00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,482

- Mm. This is good.

00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,442

- Gotta use all parts of the skee-buffalo.

00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,778

Steaks from the thorax.

Netting from the wings.

00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,446

Check this out: Would you believe this hat

00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:55,864

used to be a mosquito's head?

00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,534

You can't fight nature.

You gotta learn to live with it.

00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:01,495

- I really think the point of all humanity

is that you don't.

00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,956

- Take it from a First Gen Wallian.

I've seen it all.

00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,958

We went from gum boys to the Tim era.

00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,918

Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.

00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,295

These disgusting monsters are our future.

00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,506

This is how we rid ourselves

00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,259

of our reliance on the aliens' candy.

00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,804

- Mm, this tastes just like

a freshly microwaved Bob Evans!

00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,390

- We gotta convince Parliament

to protect these bugs.

00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:24,393

It's the only way the Wall can be

in harmony with itself.

00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,313

- Mm.

00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:31,316

Goddammit. Yeah, this is delicious.

00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:39,867

- Ugh. We've had a good run, Maddie.

00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:43,120

But this town no longer needs

its Civic Responsibility Manager.

00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,122

I can't believe

my life's work was to create

00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,082

the world's first Jerk Monitoring System,

00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,542

and now I'll never get to use it.

00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:51,503

But now that we're up

for Top Ten Nicest Places to Live,

00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,714

there are no more jerks to be monitored.

00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,215

- Do you want me to unplug it?

00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,800

- Please. I can't bear it.

00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,803

[beep]

Wait!

00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:00,888

[beeping]

00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,223

The jerks, the jerks are filling up

the streets!

00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,893

No, no, they aren't hiding anymore.

00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,102

The jerks are on the move!

00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,354

Get me the mayor!

00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:13,525

If we don't act now, here's how many jerks

we'll be at in ten minutes.

00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,568

Twenty minutes.

00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:17,404

And in an hour's time,

we'll have completely lost our city.

00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,407

Oh god. We might be too late.

00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,992

Kid Rock just announced he's bringing

00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,870

his Make America Squirt Again festival

to our town!

00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,039

[gasps]

- Well, I know what I need to do.

00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:29,708

I'm gonna sleep with my mistress

in my own bed!

00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,168

Jeeerks!

THOM: Wow.

00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,462

All this time, the mayor was a jerk.

00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,215

That's a political first.

It's up to us now, Maddie.

00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:38,258

[blows]

00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,220

- Nope. It's up to you now!

You're fat. Byeee!

00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,264

- The town is full of jerks,

and Parade Magazine is coming today.

00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,141

We have to do something before they--

[airplane whooshing]

00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,060

Oh no.

00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,771

Oh god, no!

00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:58,529

- Hey. Bones writer.

00:12:58,529 --> 00:13:00,239

- Man, how long was I asleep?

00:13:00,239 --> 00:13:02,241

Those skeeto poppers

really knocked me out.

00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:03,492

- Whoa. What the hell?

00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,328

- Your partner's lost

her cool-haircut head. Untie me.

00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,081

- Hey, psycho, what's with the hostage?

00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:11,875

- The Janitor needed to be taken

out of the equation, he'll be fine.

00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,961

- We were his guests! What equation?

00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,713

- E equals kill every mosquito.

00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,507

- What? We can feed the whole Wall.

00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:21,051

- Anything that can hurt Pezlie

needs to be destroyed.

00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,095

- Jesus, Cherie, how many

more people have to die

00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:24,888

because you have to nuke every threat?

00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:27,307

- Well, maybe you could start helping

with some threats.

00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,475

I thought you were a hero.

00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,727

- I've never wanted to be a hero!

00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,521

That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.

00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:34,982

- You can't quit! We're partners!

00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,067

- My wife is my partner.

00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,736

I never should have left her behind.

- Fine! Fuck it!

00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,530

Go!

- Don't you get it?

00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:43,740

There's always gonna be another battle.

00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,993

It'll never end!

- Then I'll keep fighting!

00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,369

- What's the point

of fighting for your family

00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:49,913

if you never get to be with your family?

00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:53,584

Go home, Cherie. Before you make

that baby an orphan.

00:13:58,714 --> 00:14:00,507

- So this is where we are, huh?

00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,759

You're just like Tim. And The Duke.

00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,303

- You don't know shit about Ringo.

00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:05,721

- We've been given a blessing!

00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,806

But you're too busy "leading" to see it.

00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,976

Liars, always holding on to power

with your stupid lies.

00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,187

- No, I got rid of all the liars.

00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:15,564

- If you think that, then you don't know

who's lying to you.

00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,566

- Oh, shut up. [grunts]

[Janitor groans]

00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:26,408

Mm. Ugh, this would be so much easier

if this wasn't so delicious.

00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,036

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,288

♪

00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,583

- Okay, Pupa.

Let's go get in that town photo.

00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:37,211

Now that the three biggest town jerks

are locked in our ship,

00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,545

we can be free to--

[squishing]

00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,589

Eww! [gasps]

00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,675

[people shouting]

[glass shatters]

00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,222

[cheering]

00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,642

- Listen to this dream I had last night.

00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:54,144

It's super long,

and you're totally not in it.

00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,145

[laughs]

00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:56,271

[thud]

00:14:58,524 --> 00:14:59,942

- What's happening?

00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,319

There's a lot of people around

in summer scarves!

00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,239

- Those aliens who turned us

into iguanas last year are gone!

00:15:05,239 --> 00:15:06,865

- We totally deserved it, too.

00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:09,535

But now, the jerks are back, baybee!

00:15:09,535 --> 00:15:11,995

[howling]

00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:13,997

- Oh no, I was wrong!

00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:17,376

Korvo, Terry, and Yum weren't the problem,

they were the solution!

00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,754

- Ahh! I tried arson, but it backfired!

00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,422

Oh god! Ahh!

00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:27,845

♪

00:15:27,845 --> 00:15:30,055

♪

00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,223

- Hey! Emily in Paris!

00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,308

This is how it will look in five minutes.

00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:35,352

In ten minutes.

- I don't have time for this!

00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:37,896

Goddammit.

00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:43,193

♪

00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:45,153

♪

00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:47,072

That's the silhouette he chose?

00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,574

[all sobbing]

00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:51,285

- I get it now. I fucking love empathy!

00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:54,246

- Yes, we've seen soldiers surprising

their kids at the airport,

00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,831

and we double-watched Scrooged.

00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,624

It expanded every heart I have!

00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,002

AISHA:

Hold up. Got a message for Yum.

00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:02,671

- Oh my god, the town finally needs

its moral center!

00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:04,798

- Aisha, release us!

AISHA: I don't think you're ready.

00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:05,924

- Fam, I was wrong!

00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:09,887

Jerks have totally taken over,

and only you assholes can save this town!

00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:11,638

- Come on, Ai-eesh, we need to get out!

00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,932

- Come on, sister girl,

we're running out of time!

00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:16,643

AISHA: Jesus, you fucking aliens

get into some stupid shit.

00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,645

Okay, we can skip to the final test.

00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,732

I ordered a pizza, all you gotta do

is talk to the delivery guy

00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:22,774

and get your pizza. Okay?

00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,817

- Wow, that's it?

00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:24,818

- Easy. Not even hungry.

00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,195

AISHA: Also, he's two hours late.

00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:27,529

- What? Where the fuck's my 'za?

00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,031

- Come on, you guys can do this.

00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:31,074

As of now, I believe in you!

00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,367

[doorbell rings]

00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,119

[spits]

00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,580

- Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases!

00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,498

- Ugh. Let's get this over with.

00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,042

- Hello, pizza representative.

00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,335

PIZZA DUDE:

Uh yeah, I got a pizza

00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:43,420

for Korn, Larry, and HackitySack.

00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,796

- Call me by my Christian name!

00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,007

- No, no, calm your tits, Yumyulack.

This can be done.

00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,258

Thank you.

00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,177

AISHA: Cute. Now tip him.

00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,345

- For not doing his job?

00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:53,805

- Come on. We gotta get out of here.

The city needs me.

00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,141

- Uh, does it go any lower

than ten percent?

00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,060

No, ten is the bottom? Of course it is.

00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,436

[beep]

Okay, we did it, open the doors.

00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:00,604

AISHA: Give him five stars.

00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:01,855

- What?

- Fuck off!

00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:09,571

I can't. A perfect five-star rating

means something, dammit.

00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,532

- Okay, if I've learned anything today,

00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:14,034

it's that empathy isn't about doing

the correct thing.

00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:17,412

It's about skipping what makes sense

to make someone else feel good.

00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,373

Come on, what would Scrooged do?

00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:21,500

- He would... think about

what other people want

00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,919

and give them that

because he's actually Santa.

00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:26,380

- Yes! Wait, what?

No, did you even watch the movie?

00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:29,007

- No, I had my eyes closed the whole time,

but I remember the poster.

00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,092

[dings]

00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:31,635

- Yeah!

- Alright!

00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:34,763

- It's empathy time, motherfuckers.

Let's get decent!

00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:38,100

♪ What the world needs now ♪

00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:41,478

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,437

[horn honks]

00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,398

♪ It's the only thing ♪

00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:48,569

♪ That there's just too little of ♪

00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:51,405

♪ What the world needs now ♪

00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:53,574

♪ Is love ♪

00:17:53,574 --> 00:17:54,908

♪ Sweet love ♪

00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:57,828

♪ No, not just for some ♪

00:17:58,662 --> 00:17:59,663

[screams]

00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,249

[yelping]

00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,250

[both scream]

00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,921

[beeping]

00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,716

- Oh my god, I did it.

00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:12,050

All the jerks are gone!

00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,177

Which means

00:18:13,177 --> 00:18:15,012

I get to be the only jerk in town!

00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:17,598

[evil laughter]

00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,933

What a fuckin' reveal!

00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,187

♪ serene music playing ♪

00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:25,939

- Whoa, our town looks gorgeous!

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,317

- Yeah, we empathized the fuck

outta this place.

00:18:28,317 --> 00:18:29,359

[vehicles approach]

00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:38,368

- In all my time as a Parade judge,

00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,330

I have never seen nicer townfolk.

00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:45,459

Surely the Top Ten will include

the gorgeous city of GeenaDavisville.

00:18:45,459 --> 00:18:48,962

[seagulls squawking]

00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,339

- Yeah!

MAN: Check it out,

00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:52,132

I'm giving this fountain a golden shower!

00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:53,467

JESSE: Oh no, this is bad.

00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:54,510

[grunts]

[coins clatter]

00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,094

- [blows] Sorry.

00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,429

Please continue.

00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:58,514

- Oh my god.

00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:00,933

Did you just turn that man into coins?

00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:04,603

♪

00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:07,856

- Aw, I love our family pics.

Really makes this house a home.

00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,150

- Ah yes, every time

I walk by this picture,

00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,736

I'll remember what a total bag of shit

that guy was.

00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,404

- Fudgeballs. After all that,

00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,908

I can't believe we didn't get listed

in the Ten Nicest Places to Live.

00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:19,326

We could've been on the cover!

00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,078

- Nah, son! This cover is way better.

00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:23,413

"Town's Moral Center

Saves Everyone's Ass."

00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:27,668

Oooh! One-- no, two-- no,

three-- no, four!

00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,545

Four recipes for creamy chowders?

00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:30,546

Yeah, baby!

00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:34,633

[Cherie grunts]

[squealing]

00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:37,177

No. Ow. No, no.

00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,345

No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:19:39,263 --> 00:19:40,681

[choking, coughing]

00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:44,184

[Halk grunts]

00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,645

- Halk! You came back.

00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:48,063

- You know me.

[larva squeals]

00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,231

Always the hero.

00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,441

[both grunt]

[larvae squeal]

00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:54,278

- There are way too many!

- The lighter!

00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:55,612

We can use the fluid!

00:19:57,531 --> 00:19:59,992

One... two...

00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:07,249

[larvae squealing]

00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,044

- Good teamwork... partner.

00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,045

[crack]

00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,213

- What was--

[crack]

00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:14,673

- The floor! Run!

00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:17,467

[screaming]

00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:22,472

♪

00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,305

[mimicking laser fire]

00:01:27,376 --> 00:01:49,726

ПРОДАНО

00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,646

СЫРНАЯ ЛАВКА ДИКА

00:02:08,616 --> 00:02:10,846

МОРДОМОЙКА МАКМАХАНА

00:02:12,416 --> 00:02:13,636

АВТОМОЙКА «ВСЕГДА УДОБНО»

00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,256

«ШИКАРНЫЕ ГРУШИ»

00:05:11,596 --> 00:05:13,206

ДО ЗНАМЕНАТЕЛЬНОГО СОБЫТИЯ: 23 ЧАСА

00:08:11,696 --> 00:08:13,946

ДО ЗНАМЕНАТЕЛЬНОГО СОБЫТИЯ: ПАРА ЧАСОВ

00:08:13,956 --> 00:08:15,926

ДО ЗНАМЕНАТЕЛЬНОГО СОБЫТИЯ:

МЕНЬШЕ, ЧЕМ ПАРА ЧАСОВ

00:09:41,736 --> 00:09:56,716

Я ЗВЕРЮГА

00:10:14,986 --> 00:10:16,146

АЛЬФА-САМЕЦ

УРОД НАВСЕГДА

00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:34,196

МУНИЦИПАЛЬНЫЙ ОРГАН ПО БОРЬБЕ

СО СТИХИЙНЫМИ БЕДСТВИЯМИ

00:11:34,196 --> 00:11:36,026

ГРАЖДАНСКАЯ ОТВЕТСТВЕННОСТЬ

00:11:36,026 --> 00:11:53,576

ИНДИКАТОР УРОДОВ

00:12:09,346 --> 00:12:10,646

МЭРИЯ

00:12:48,056 --> 00:12:51,346

«ПАРАД»

00:14:29,106 --> 00:14:30,026

«ПАРАД»

00:14:30,946 --> 00:14:31,246

АЭРОПОРТ

00:14:43,666 --> 00:14:46,176

СЫРНАЯ ЛАВКА ДИКА

00:14:55,306 --> 00:14:57,906

ТАТУИРОВКИ

00:14:58,096 --> 00:14:58,846

АЛЬФA-САМЕЦ

00:15:05,186 --> 00:15:11,226

ХОЧУ ТЕБЕ ПРИСУНУТЬ

00:15:23,496 --> 00:15:27,776

ГОРОД ОХРЕНИТЕЛЬНО БЛИЗКО

00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:29,386

МЭРИЯ

00:15:35,346 --> 00:15:39,306

ВЫХОД НА КРЫШУ

00:15:39,516 --> 00:15:41,306

ВЫХОД

00:16:31,106 --> 00:16:33,846

ГОРЯЧАЯ ПИЦЦА

00:16:56,136 --> 00:16:57,756

ОСТАВЬТЕ ЧАЕВЫЕ!

КЛЯНЁМСЯ, БОЛЬШУЮ ЧАСТЬ ОТДАДИМ ВОДИТЕЛЮ

00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:58,746

СПАСИБО ЗА ЧАЕВЫЕ!

00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:41,426

СКИДКА 20%! ПРИСОЕДИНЯЙТЕСЬ!

00:17:42,716 --> 00:17:43,896

САЛОН «ШИКАРНЫЕ НОГТИ»

00:18:29,436 --> 00:18:31,686

«ПАРАД»

00:18:45,406 --> 00:18:48,896

ВАМ НЕ ПОКАЗАЛОСЬ, ГОРОД НАЗЫВАЕТСЯ ДЖИНАДЭВИСВИЛЛ