Зловещий, Хэллоуинcкий, страшно противоположный солнечный специальный выпуск

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С ДНЁМ СВЯТОГО ВАЛЕНТИНА!

КУПОН НА ОДИН МИНЕТ

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УДВОИТЬ

ЗАПУСТИТЬ

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ПРОБЛЕМЫ

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АД

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АД

СЕГОДНЯ

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Smash Mouth «All Star»

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ПРОПАЛ

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ГОД НАЗАД

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ТЕПЕРЬ С ХРАНИТЕЛЕМ СКЛЕПА

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ТЫКВЕННАЯ ГРЯДКА

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Yeah!

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Something about today feels special.

Halloween special, you know?

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Hell, yeah!

This is gonna be scary as shit, yo.

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- Ah!

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- Not the plastic spiders!

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Heel, Korvo! Fucking heel!

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Geez, I thought we already resolved

Korvo's Rock-tober issues last year.

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We reset at the end.

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I'll always hate this spooky-ass month,

especially Halloween.

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It's too spooky.

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But we only put up decorations

we stole from the public library.

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That's the least spooky place on earth.

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Korvo, look around.

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Kids love Halloween

and we love stuff kids love.

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It's not that scary.

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Do you like being stabbed

in the stomach?

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That's how I feel about being spooked.

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Tough ta-tas,

'cause Halloween's gonna be special,

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and we're doing the shit.

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No, please, just wait a day,

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and we can do

Día de los Mia... Muertos like in Coco.

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- Too late! We've already committed.

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Planet Shlorp was

a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

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One hundred adults and replicants

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were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

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searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

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We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an overpopulated planet.

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That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

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I'm holding Pupa. My name's Korvo.

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This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

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Do you see me? This is ridiculous.

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I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

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I don't get Halloween and holidays.

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Don't people know time's an illusion,

this is a simulation,

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and they're in chambers

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hooked up to a machine

that's harvesting energy?

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Who put glittery cobwebs

on the quantum defibrillator?

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- Halloween alien!

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No decorating the tech.

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{\an8}You're ruining all our awesome sci-fi

with this fantasy shit.

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{\an8}Halloween blows.

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{\an8}It's all magic and spells when

you could be doing science and math.

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{\an8}I think Yumyulack is trying to say

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{\an8}it's too haunting and spine-tingling.

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{\an8}What? No. That's stupid.

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{\an8}Everybody else's fun's nightmare fodder.

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{\an8}A regular hay ride

is already overwhelming.

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Why does it have to be h-h-haunted?

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Because it's fun.

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- What about the Great Pumpkin?

- The what?

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The spiritual gourd god of Halloween.

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The Great Pumpkin

only shows himself to believers

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who are full of October 31st spirit.

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He comes to those who need him

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and maybe brings toys,

gas station gift cards

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and rolls of the finest silks.

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{\an8}Ugh, I'm literally nauseous

with fear right now.

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{\an8}Get me a bag. I need to barf.

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{\an8}Halloween is an ancient pagan tradition.

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{\an8}It's about letting your hair down,

then putting someone else's hair on top.

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{\an8}It's ridiculous.

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{\an8}If that was true

and Great Pumpkin existed,

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{\an8}I'd be terrified year round.

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{\an8}Fuck that creepy pumpkin Santa rip-off!

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{\an8} O, Great Pumpkin,

please forgive Korvo.

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{\an8}- He means not what he says.

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{\an8}- Ah!

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{\an8}No trick or treaters. Too scary!

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{\an8}Korvy, relax. It's way too early.

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{\an8}Hey, Randall.

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{\an8} Happy All Hallows.

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{\an8}Just swinging by to remind you

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{\an8}that this year's neighborhood theme

is Candy Corn Lane.

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{\an8}Every house is doing

their part to decorate.

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- You're the king of the 'Ween, Rando.

- Thanks.

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Have fun. But remember,

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it's not a competition

because nobody can outdo my place.

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I start my prep on November first.

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You got it, baby.

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{\an8}Was it a Dracula, Terry?

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{\an8}I will lose my shit if it was a Dracula.

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{\an8}That was Randall,

the neighborhood Halloween guy.

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{\an8}Man, he's so cool.

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{\an8}The whole town lines up

to walk through his DIY haunted house.

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{\an8}In what world is that cool?

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{\an8}He spends thousands on decorations.

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{\an8}I heard he picked up

a shift at the asbestos plant

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{\an8}just to pay for his

set-quality Witcher costume.

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{\an8}Oh, please, please, please,

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{\an8}let us participate

in Candy Corn Lane this year.

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{\an8}- No. Denied.

- That's it.

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{\an8}I'm cashing in the blowjob coupon

you gave me for Valentine's.

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You can't cross-pollinate holidays.

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- That coupon's for sexual favors only.

- Or something of equal value.

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{\an8}You wrote the fine print.

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{\an8}Damn my obsession

with legally binding verbiage.

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{\an8}Fine. You can cash it in

for one spooky decoration.

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{\an8}What about one fake spiderweb

and half a hand job?

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{\an8}No, and what's half a hand job?

Two fingers and the base of the palm?

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{\an8}You'll never find out

unless you let me fill the air

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{\an8}with the funk of 40,000 years.

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- No! Not the Thriller dance!

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We need something cool

that Randall doesn't have.

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The dude's got everything.

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Hold the bone.

You see that cardboard coffin?

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Cripes, we can do better than that.

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Ugh, smells like all

101 dalmatians took a shit in here.

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Whoa. Disney Standards and Practices

are already calling me?

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To voicemail you go.

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Ah!

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Aisha, activate cauldron protocol.

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Yeah.

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You standing

way too close to that cauldron.

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If either one of y'all fall in

and end up a toad,

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I'm not kissing you back.

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Don't stare.

A watched cauldron never toils.

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Terry, shut up. You stupid.

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Damn it. All this cheesy goth shit

is clashing with our whole aesthetic.

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Grownups who like Halloween

are the horse girls of adults.

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We get it. You have no personality.

So you fill the void with ghosts and...

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Aw, demons? Oh, please.

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This is so lame.

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Yumyulack!

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Oh, great. I'm in hell?

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What a waste of time.

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Yumyulatch!

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Bat wings. So scary.

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I am a soldier of Hades.

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I eat suffering!

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I'm from space, you dork. I've seen

what lies beyond the universe's edge.

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Horns aren't gonna move the needle.

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Space is nothing

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compared to the horrors

you will witness, Yumyulatch!

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- That's not how you pronounce my name.

- By day's end you will...

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Did I accidentally

go to suburban mom hell?

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I'm waiting for Tim Burton

to pop out with a swirly umbrella.

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You will know fear, Yumyulatch.

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Not my name.

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Silence!

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Ugh. So spooky.

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Can't sleep.

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I'll just heat up some nice Italiano.

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Nothing spooky about risotto.

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This thing takes forever.

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- Come on.

- Anthony was a simple tailor.

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But he soon found

that you reap what you sew.

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Korvo, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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- Hey, calm down, boo.

- Don't call me boo.

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There's a fucking ghoul downstairs.

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Let's call someone to bust a ghost.

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Who we gonna call? A fireman?

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We're not calling anyone.

That's just our crypt keeper.

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- What?

- We dug up

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a body from a graveyard

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and used dark sci-fi magic

to bring it to life.

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Pretty sweet, right?

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No, it's not sweet.

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Get it out of my house.

I-I-It's scary as hell.

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Sorry. He's our one decoration.

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That's not a decoration. He talks.

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He doesn't do anything.

Which means he's a decoration.

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We're following your rules.

Honor the coupon.

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Fine. I know how litigious you can be.

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Axe throwing bar

learned the hard way.

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So, we can keep him?

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Ugh, yes. I don't want to see him again.

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In this rich tale,

a banker will cash his last check.

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- What's he talking about?

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He's a crypt keeper. He tells

pun-filled anthological scary stories.

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That's what they do.

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- How many does he have?

- I don't know. A lot?

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This NASCAR racer

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was driven to win.

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Well, girls and ghouls,

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this plumber's story

is dripping with irony.

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- Ooh!

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Hey, you can look, but no touch.

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Where did you get this?

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Move along. One story per viewer.

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It's working.

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We're even more popular than Randall.

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He reminds me of my nana,

whose grave was recently robbed.

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Would you look at that?

Somebody took my advice.

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Great job.

You gotta show that bad boy off.

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Great idea, Randall.

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Hallo-montage, here we come.

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Roses are red, violets are blue,

just like dead bodies.

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Wait, where's Yumyulack?

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{\an8}He'd love to be

making fun of us right now.

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Backyard. In Hell!

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Aw! Listen to that word salad.

00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,945

That CoComelon subscription

is totally paying off.

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Finally, something to distract me.

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I could almost kiss

this Pretend-O-Deck for breaking down.

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Oh, thank you, Yumyulack.

Can you hand me the...

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Nice and easy.

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- Nathaniel was a sea captain...

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...who had a sinking feeling

he would drown in debt.

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- That's fucking it.

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Somebloody once told me

the world is gonna skull me.

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I ain't the sharpest ghoul in the dead.

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Wait, was that Smash Mouth?

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- Tell me your longest story.

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Don't worry, I'm listening.

Just keep talking.

00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,164

Jamal was a deep sea diver

who was always feeling the pressure.

00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,833

But if he thought running

a small business was hard,

00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,420

his final dive would prove to be

the most crushing of all.

00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:13,094

What a beautiful day.

Anyone up for a round of cornhole?

00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:16,347

We can cool down afterwards

with 32oz mang-a-go-go fatties at Jamba?

00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,015

- No, this is bad.

- What's going on?

00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,767

We don't know where Crypt Keeper is.

00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,228

We looked everywhere.

I'm fucking freaking out.

00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,563

I think he might be lost.

00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,857

I'm, uh, certain he'll show up.

Did you check the trash?

00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,150

Seems to pop out of there.

00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,443

Of course, I checked.

00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:30,778

The back door was open.

00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:35,157

Crypty must've shuffled out when we were

snoozing off all those 100 Grand bars.

00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,994

Oh! He's probably scared and alone.

00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,454

No crypt to keep, no people to creep.

00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,373

Let's calm down, take a deep breath.

00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:45,501

Maybe watch an episode of the

Whose Line Is it Anyway? reboot.

00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,962

How do they still not know

whose line it is?

00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,046

We gotta keep looking!

00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,464

- Crypt Keeper?

- Crypt Keeper!

00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,717

- Come out, boy. Come on out.

- Crypt Keeper!

00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,596

I'm sure he ran off to some other place

where he wanted to be instead of here.

00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,848

Maybe let's forget

you ever had a crypt keeper

00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,224

and everything'll go to normal.

00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,768

I don't want it to be normal!

00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,895

- Where have you gone?

00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,231

My baby boy, my boy!

00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:11,819

- Here, boy.

- Come on!

00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,738

- Crypty!

- Crypty, where are you?

00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:16,282

How many lost fliers

do people usually print?

00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,825

A thousand? Ten thousand?

00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,535

Most people do 5,000.

00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,329

Give us 100,000!

00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,467

- Whoa!

00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,139

Have you guys not updated

your torture techniques in centuries?

00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,559

Word of your impudence

has spread through the fiery realm.

00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,436

Thanks for the update.

Is there WiFi here?

00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,397

No, but you won't have time

to browse the web

00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,150

when you're cowering before

00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,819

the Necro-Kraken!

00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:01,202

I think I saw this thing

in a '90s Mortal Kombat movie.

00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:05,164

This is what sinners are supposed

to be afraid of? Boring.

00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,582

- What should we do?

- Make him

00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,377

- push a rock up a flaming hill.

- He'll just make fun of us.

00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,796

Then we'll cross that bridge

when we get to it.

00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,215

- Crypty.

00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,718

I really thought your interest

in Crypt Keeper was superficial,

00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,595

like when you bought that robot dog.

00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,723

But it really seems like

you loved that dusty freak.

00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,974

We do love him.

00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,228

And now he's probably dead. Again.

Or double dead.

00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,813

I'm not in a good head space.

00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,773

Wait, what happened to the robot dog?

00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,234

Is I-Pooch missing too?

00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,944

Who knows? I definitely don't know.

00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,163

How about we go to the cemetery

and exhume another corpse?

00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,998

- It won't be the same.

- Please, Korvo.

00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,251

Do an anthological story at us.

00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,837

Uh, once upon a time, there was

00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,630

- Star Wars.

- Do the voice.

00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,382

A man named Lucasfilm...

00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,342

- It's not the same!

00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,927

Not your eyes! Be careful!

00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,560

Crypt Keeper.

00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:08,894

I'm here to collect you.

00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,939

I always intended on coming back,

so you can come out now.

00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,484

- Crypt Keeper?

00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,654

I wish somebody had a pun-filled story

to tell me

00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,489

about a haunted baseball team.

00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,908

- Crypt Keeper, get out here!

00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,453

I'm not sticking around

in this creepy-ass forest.

00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,087

Holy shit.

Crypt Keeper must've hobbled here,

00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,423

attracted to Randall's

disgusting, spooky house.

00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,008

I'll go explain the situation.

00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,968

He'll understand. He's a businessman.

00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,645

Oh! Friendly ghosts!

O, Shlorpian grey gods, watch over me.

00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,399

- Ahhh!

00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,859

- Fuck this.

00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,736

Hey, bud! Whassup?

00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,029

Remember?

00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,489

Ah! Pharaoh, stay away!

00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,365

- Oh. Randall.

- What can I do you for?

00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,034

I think you'll find this amusing.

00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:08,871

There's been a hilarious mix-up,

and I believe you have our crypt keeper.

00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,082

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I had no idea. Of course.

00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,251

Come in.

We'll straighten this thing out.

00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:15,753

How about you bring him out

00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,963

and I'll stay where there

aren't cotton webs.

00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,673

I don't decorate inside,

00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,842

and I'm going

to need a hand bringing him out.

00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,886

He's dead weight, you know?

00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,307

Oh! An uninspired, bare living room

with a lackluster use of shades of gray.

00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,267

It's like a Crate & Barrel

showroom in here.

00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,727

I-I-I can finally be at peace.

00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,146

Is that

a Restoration Hardware enema machine?

00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,648

I've had my eye on one of those.

00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,575

Damn it. What're you doing?

00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,118

No use struggling, Korvo.

00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,620

I googled kidnapping knots.

00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,122

So they're not coming loose.

00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,166

What is this, some Halloween trick?

00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,377

To be honest, Korvo,

I fucking hate Halloween.

00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,379

I hate the kids and the costumes.

00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,297

I'm even allergic to SweeTARTS.

00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,967

But I love the money these rubes pay me

00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,761

to walk through a stupid cardboard maze.

00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,846

You're a poser?

00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,347

Oh, yeah, big time.

00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:12,351

And now, with a crypt keeper

and a real dead alien skeleton,

00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,688

I'll have enough buzz to keep

this honeypot running year round.

00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,274

Randall, come on. Don't kill me.

We both hate Halloween.

00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:19,525

We're on the same side.

00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,735

- Help! Somebody help me!

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,738

No one's going to hear you

over my haunted house CD.

00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,657

Randall, you son of a bitch! Let me go!

00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:28,284

Once there was a flight attendant...

00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,368

Oh! Shut up!

00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,536

- Ooh!

00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:33,622

That's my delivery

of 10,000 black lightbulbs

00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,416

for the haunted light show.

00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:38,377

Be right back. Not that you have

anywhere to go.

00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,753

Fuck you, Randall. Fuck you.

00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,672

Thirty slays hath September...

00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,673

Cram it, Keeper!

00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,969

Terry, Jesse, look!

00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,555

We should put half of these

Lost Crypt Keeper signs

00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,973

up in the backyard, right?

00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,893

Oh, yeah, I'm back here all the time.

Tons of foot traffic.

00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:58,689

Look.

00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,650

That's right. We won't stop looking

until Crypty's home.

00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,236

God, I miss him so much.

I can almost smell him.

00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,990

Damn it! He googled

the shit out of these, all right.

00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:08,991

Crypt Keeper, listen.

00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,410

If we lean away from each other

at the same moment,

00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,912

- I think we can...

- Knock, knock.

00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:13,871

Who's scare?

00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,539

A dead bride!

00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:16,790

Fuck, it's no use.

00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,084

If I hadn't been too busy

being a Halloween humbug,

00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,544

I could have seen this coming.

00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,213

I wish I could go back

and like this stupid holiday.

00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:24,632

The Great Pumpkin.

00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:25,799

If only he was real.

00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,761

Fuck it. It can't hurt.

00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,722

O, Great Pumpkin, hear my prayer.

00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,601

I know I've talked a lot of shit,

but I'm at All Hallow's rock bottom.

00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,020

I believe in you, Great Pumpkin.

I do. I believe.

00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,897

Help me, o, Holy Orange One!

00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,981

Help me, please.

00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:52,993

Wowie! Sounds like someone in here

is ready for Halloween.

00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,119

Oh, my God, no way.

00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:56,163

The Great Pumpkin. Y-Y-You're real.

00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,290

I heard your haunted prayers, Korvo.

00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,042

I can tell that you believe.

00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:03,128

I-I-I'm sorry I doubted you.

I can't believe you're really here.

00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,089

I'm always right here.

00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,006

Please free us.

00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,051

There's a Halloween impostor who's

trying to kill me and Crypt Keeper.

00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:11,303

Korvo, it's okay to be scared.

00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,221

Just remember,

00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,641

Halloween isn't

all about goblins and ghouls.

00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,019

By adorning our homes

with pagan symbols of death

00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,187

and wearing masks,

00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:24,441

we set free the artifice from our lives

and connect with our primal truth.

00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,819

To be afraid is to be alive.

00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,863

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:30,906

Thank you.

00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,908

No problem. Now I have to go.

00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:36,453

A little boy in Indiana is praying

for candy and to see his daddy again.

00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,039

Goodbye, Korvo. And Happy Hallo...

00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,916

- Stop. What are you doing?

00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,251

I'm sorry. I had no choice.

00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,460

Drop the... Give me that!

00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,341

Don't judge me, Crypt Keeper.

00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,720

A long tomb a-ghoul,

in a galaxy scar, scar a-slay...

00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,638

Keep your mouth shut

and we might survive.

00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,641

I mean, I'll survive

and you'll keep being whatever you are.

00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,477

The quick brown fox

jumps over the lazy... poison!

00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,024

Fuck, fuck, fuck, God damn it!

00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:08,861

Ice princess!

00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,696

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:11,822

What the...

00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,574

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,912

Korvo, you're fucking dead, you hear me?

00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,708

You'll never find your way out of my

family-friendly haunted walk-through.

00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:28,547

Not so indifferent now, are we?

00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,507

How is there so much talking in hell?

00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,135

All these check-ins are

revealing how insecure you are.

00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,678

Turn the handle.

00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,266

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:42,394

Oh, that's making the plant fiber

I have instead of a spine

00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,063

feel better than it has in years.

00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,564

- Fuck.

- Hey, it's okay.

00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,274

You don't know

how to torture an alien.

00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:51,028

If torments of flesh do not affect you,

we have other ways.

00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:55,741

How would you feel seeing

your mother devoured by a wolf?

00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:57,367

I don't have a mom.

00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,453

I was grown from a clipping

in a bucket of dirt.

00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,370

A clipping?

00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,414

Like a tiny piece of Korvo,

my team leader.

00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,291

- I'm a replicant.

00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,877

We usually just deal

with humans and racist dogs.

00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,003

Sometimes dolphins.

00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,213

You leave us no choice.

00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:12,382

Your misery will be orchestrated

by the Dark Lord himself.

00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,468

Satan!

00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,140

That's a good spot,

keep torturing that, right there.

00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,781

I know you're in here.

00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,872

This is the final stop

of my walk-through.

00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,749

And your life, too.

00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,712

- Here's a deadly ditty

00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,131

- about a shock jock...

- Shut up.

00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,423

...with a graveyard shift.

00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,425

- Shut up!

00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,344

- Korvo!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,098

Randall, b-be reasonable.

00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,642

Killing me, in some states,

would be considered murder.

00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,644

This is my life now!

00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,021

The Monster Mash all year!

00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,359

Kids will force their parents

to come here every single day.

00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,861

And I'll only owe

00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:18,782

Sarah Lawrence College another $135,000.

00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,033

Not if I carve you up.

00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,038

You like that?

00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,042

Randall. Randall, no.

00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,627

- Randall.

00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,005

Did... Did you just say my name?

00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,673

Here's a tale about Randall,

00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,050

a little boy from Northeast Michigan

00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,927

who lost his sense of wonder.

00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,054

Hey, how do you know where I grew up?

00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,514

Randall didn't realize

00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,976

that when your whole personality

is being the Halloween guy,

00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,604

you only really get to live

one night a year.

00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,730

Time passes.

00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,316

Halloween is no longer

a marker of change,

00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,109

but a symptom of stagnation.

00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,529

The leaves fall,

your friends grow up and start families.

00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:59,448

But Randall remains the same.

00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:00,824

Like a decoration.

00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:02,868

All form and no function.

00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,203

A living death.

00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,121

Is the guy in the story me?

00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,081

Oh, Randall thought he was...

00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,958

...to his coworkers,

00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,586

who warned him

those programs were too competitive

00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,130

and never spent the time

getting that MFA.

00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:19,426

He wasted years and thousands of dollars

on a useless diploma.

00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:23,263

Oh! Crypt Keeper,

what you said, it's all true.

00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,058

I've strayed so far

from who I used to be.

00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:30,145

I was ready to pin my neighbor to

a board and put him in a display case.

00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,230

We've all done it, bro.

00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,232

I don't recognize myself anymore.

00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,234

I think I'm done with all this.

00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,111

I'm going to take my camper van

and drive west.

00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:41,823

Maybe open an empanada stand

close to the beach.

00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,785

Crypty, I... I owe you an apology.

00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,955

I thought you had no idea

what was going on, but I was wrong.

00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:49,206

You're a good guy.

00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,583

Gather around

to hear the tale of Jonathan,

00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,293

who loved his harmonica.

00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,878

Well, that one wasn't scary.

00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,047

The harmonica was made of bones!

00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:01,468

Terry, Jesse, come here.

00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:02,970

Leave us. We're wallowing.

00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,513

- I found Crypt Keeper.

00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,556

He must have wandered

back into the house.

00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,641

- Crypty!

- Crypty!

00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,394

He's just as dusty as I remember.

00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,937

Mwah! What a cutie!

00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,272

Speaking of forestry,

00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:16,733

this next one is about

a lumberjack with a splitting headache.

00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,735

Yeah, boy, spin us that story.

00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,779

Now Crypt Keeper's back,

you can stop being sad

00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,573

and we can get to doing

fun classic alien things we love.

00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,492

- Like repairing the ship.

- Don't ruin this.

00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,493

Group hug time.

00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,538

It has to last longer than 20 seconds

or we're starting over.

00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,206

Pupa, come on. Get in on this.

00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,332

Yumyulack!

00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:34,376

Yumyulack what?

00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,925

Oh, shit. You're scared of this guy.

00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:47,806

Master, this impudent...

00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:50,600

Silence! You have failed me.

00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:54,229

This creature has descended

the levels of my infernal kingdom

00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:56,898

without any remorse or fear.

00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,986

Oh, shit! That was awesome.

00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,988

I'm actually starting

to sort of respect you,

00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,115

and, by extension,

Hell as an institution.

00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,493

At last, you comprehend my power.

00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,079

Look at their crushed asses.

This is so cool.

00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,708

I think I kind of understand the appeal

of Halloween and fantasy shit now.

00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,127

Embrace this seed of doubt, Yumyulack.

00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:18,378

Let it blossom,

00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:22,966

and you can serve at my side.

00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,803

Wow, maybe...

Maybe sci-fi isn't the sexiest genre.

00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:30,307

What's happening? What's that beam?

00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,351

Oh, shit.

00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,353

My family is

bringing me back from the dead

00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,064

because they're sci-fi as fuck, baby!

00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,484

All this stupid hell shit is derivative,

including you, you big bitch!

00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,401

Stop that!

00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,195

- Get back here!

00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,530

Suck my sci-fi, Satan!

00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,034

We're sorry we didn't

realize you were dead.

00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,703

We're used to you heading

to Florida during Halloween.

00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:52,704

How was Hell?

00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:55,123

I don't know.

I wasn't really paying attention.

00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,919

Wait. You used a cauldron in the ship

to make a crypt keeper?

00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,045

Glad I missed that.

00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,588

Way too magical for my taste.

00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:03,882

Now, now, Yumyulack,

magic isn't always bad.

00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,176

I met the Great Pumpkin and he's real.

00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,595

- Oh, really?

- And definitely still alive.

00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,055

I hope he visits me one day.

00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,432

He certainly will, Terry.

He certainly will.

00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:15,811

What?

00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:19,523

Terry, did you put up 10,000 fliers

promising money and free blowjobs

00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:22,359

- to anyone who brought us a corpse?

- Yes. Pourquoi?

00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,861

Well, you better break out

the chapstick.

00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,947

It's gonna be a long night.

00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:33,245

A long night.

00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:11,386

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:14,764

(SINGING)

Fa la la la la la Halloween!

00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:15,682

Yeah!

00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:20,020

Something about today feels special.

Halloween special, you know?

00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,564

Hell, yeah!

This is gonna be scary as shit, yo.

00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:24,399

-(SCREAMING)

- Ah!

00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:27,110

- JESSE: Not the plastic spiders!

-(GUNSHOTS)

00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,862

Heel, Korvo! Fucking heel!

00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:33,033

Geez, I thought we already resolved

Korvo's Rock-tober issues last year.

00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,075

We reset at the end.

00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,037

I'll always hate this spooky-ass month,

especially Halloween.

00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:37,996

It's too spooky.

00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:41,750

But we only put up decorations

we stole from the public library.

00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,710

That's the least spooky place on earth.

00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,794

Korvo, look around.

00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,130

Kids love Halloween

and we love stuff kids love.

00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,048

It's not that scary.

00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,258

Do you like being stabbed

in the stomach?

00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:52,093

That's how I feel about being spooked.

00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,512

Tough ta-tas,

'cause Halloween's gonna be special,

00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:55,680

and we're doing the shit.

00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:57,307

No, please, just wait a day,

00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:00,602

and we can do

Día de los Mia... Muertos like in Coco.

00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,063

- Too late! We've already committed.

-(SCREAMS)

00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,147

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:08,109

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was

a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,319

(WOLF HOWLS)

00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,779

One hundred adults and replicants

00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:13,323

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the space,

00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,117

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,329

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an overpopulated planet.

00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:21,372

That's right.

I've been talking this whole time.

00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,208

I'm holding Pupa. My name's Korvo.

00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,126

This is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,045

Do you see me? This is ridiculous.

00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:30,173

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,841

I don't get Halloween and holidays.

00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,385

Don't people know time's an illusion,

this is a simulation,

00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,553

and they're in chambers

00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,722

hooked up to a machine

that's harvesting energy?

00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:41,434

(SCARY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:47,524

Who put glittery cobwebs

on the quantum defibrillator?

00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,192

- Halloween alien!

-(GUNSHOT)

00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,152

No decorating the tech.

00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,947

{\an8}You're ruining all our awesome sci-fi

with this fantasy shit.

00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,323

{\an8}Halloween blows.

00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,326

{\an8}It's all magic and spells when

you could be doing science and math.

00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,161

{\an8}I think Yumyulack is trying to say

00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,996

{\an8}it's too haunting and spine-tingling.

00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,498

{\an8}What? No. That's stupid.

00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:05,416

{\an8}Everybody else's fun's nightmare fodder.

00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,293

{\an8}A regular hay ride

is already overwhelming.

00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:09,087

Why does it have to be h-h-haunted?

00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,088

Because it's fun.

00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,048

- What about the Great Pumpkin?

- The what?

00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,800

The spiritual gourd god of Halloween.

00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,010

The Great Pumpkin

only shows himself to believers

00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,720

who are full of October 31st spirit.

00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,055

He comes to those who need him

00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,974

and maybe brings toys,

gas station gift cards

00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,851

and rolls of the finest silks.

00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,894

{\an8}Ugh, I'm literally nauseous

with fear right now.

00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,437

{\an8}Get me a bag. I need to barf.

00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:29,065

{\an8}Halloween is an ancient pagan tradition.

00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:33,069

{\an8}It's about letting your hair down,

then putting someone else's hair on top.

00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:33,987

{\an8}It's ridiculous.

00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,989

{\an8}If that was true

and Great Pumpkin existed,

00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,323

{\an8}I'd be terrified year round.

00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:39,367

{\an8}Fuck that creepy pumpkin Santa rip-off!

00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:41,452

{\an8}(GASPS) O, Great Pumpkin,

please forgive Korvo.

00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,121

{\an8}- He means not what he says.

-(KNOCK)

00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,330

{\an8}- Ah!

-(GUNSHOT)

00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,040

{\an8}No trick or treaters. Too scary!

00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,876

{\an8}Korvy, relax. It's way too early.

00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,043

{\an8}Hey, Randall.

00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,171

{\an8}(CHUCKLES) Happy All Hallows.

00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,881

{\an8}Just swinging by to remind you

00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,884

{\an8}that this year's neighborhood theme

is Candy Corn Lane.

00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:58,219

{\an8}Every house is doing

their part to decorate.

00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:00,555

- You're the king of the 'Ween, Rando.

- Thanks.

00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,140

Have fun. But remember,

00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,143

it's not a competition

because nobody can outdo my place.

00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,604

I start my prep on November first.

00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,605

You got it, baby.

00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,565

{\an8}Was it a Dracula, Terry?

00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,775

{\an8}I will lose my shit if it was a Dracula.

00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,861

{\an8}That was Randall,

the neighborhood Halloween guy.

00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:15,987

{\an8}Man, he's so cool.

00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:18,781

{\an8}The whole town lines up

to walk through his DIY haunted house.

00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,575

{\an8}In what world is that cool?

00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,577

{\an8}He spends thousands on decorations.

00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,829

{\an8}I heard he picked up

a shift at the asbestos plant

00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:27,248

{\an8}just to pay for his

set-quality Witcher costume.

00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,958

{\an8}Oh, please, please, please,

00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,836

{\an8}let us participate

in Candy Corn Lane this year.

00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,087

{\an8}- No. Denied.

- That's it.

00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:36,299

{\an8}I'm cashing in the blowjob coupon

you gave me for Valentine's.

00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,926

You can't cross-pollinate holidays.

00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:41,721

- That coupon's for sexual favors only.

- Or something of equal value.

00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,097

{\an8}You wrote the fine print.

00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,183

{\an8}Damn my obsession

with legally binding verbiage.

00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,894

{\an8}Fine. You can cash it in

for one spooky decoration.

00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:50,396

{\an8}What about one fake spiderweb

and half a hand job?

00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,942

{\an8}No, and what's half a hand job?

Two fingers and the base of the palm?

00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,277

{\an8}You'll never find out

unless you let me fill the air

00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,071

{\an8}with the funk of 40,000 years.

00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,906

- No! Not the Thriller dance!

-(LAUGHS)

00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,032

(SCREAMS)

00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,160

We need something cool

that Randall doesn't have.

00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,578

The dude's got everything.

00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,081

Hold the bone.

You see that cardboard coffin?

00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,124

Cripes, we can do better than that.

00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:14,045

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

-(OWL HOOTING)

00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:22,053

JESSE: Ugh, smells like all

101 dalmatians took a shit in here.

00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,471

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:26,683

Whoa. Disney Standards and Practices

are already calling me?

00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,559

To voicemail you go.

00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:29,936

(THUNDERCLAP)

00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,521

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,065

Ah! (PANTING)

00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:36,526

(BOTH CACKLING)

00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,361

Aisha, activate cauldron protocol.

00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,113

(BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,032

(BEEPING)

00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,075

Yeah.

00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,536

AISHA: You standing

way too close to that cauldron.

00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,163

If either one of y'all fall in

and end up a toad,

00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,373

I'm not kissing you back.

00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,709

Don't stare.

A watched cauldron never toils.

00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,585

AISHA: Terry, shut up. You stupid.

00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:55,712

(GIGGLING)

00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,048

Damn it. All this cheesy goth shit

is clashing with our whole aesthetic.

00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,010

Grownups who like Halloween

are the horse girls of adults.

00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:05,805

We get it. You have no personality.

So you fill the void with ghosts and...

00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,140

(SCREAMS)

00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,266

(GROANS)

00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,607

Aw, demons? Oh, please.

00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,110

This is so lame.

00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:21,404

Yumyulack!

00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,704

Oh, great. I'm in hell?

00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:30,913

What a waste of time.

00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:35,460

Yumyulatch!

00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,628

Bat wings. So scary.

00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,840

I am a soldier of Hades.

00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,592

I eat suffering!

00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,429

I'm from space, you dork. I've seen

what lies beyond the universe's edge.

00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,306

Horns aren't gonna move the needle.

00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:49,932

Space is nothing

00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,394

compared to the horrors

you will witness, Yumyulatch!

00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,606

- That's not how you pronounce my name.

- By day's end you will...

00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,733

Did I accidentally

go to suburban mom hell?

00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,819

I'm waiting for Tim Burton

to pop out with a swirly umbrella.

00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:06,074

You will know fear, Yumyulatch.

00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:06,991

Not my name.

00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:07,909

Silence!

00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,329

(SIGHS)

00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:13,956

Ugh. So spooky.

00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:14,957

Can't sleep.

00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,043

I'll just heat up some nice Italiano.

00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,753

Nothing spooky about risotto.

00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,756

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:26,969

This thing takes forever.

00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,013

- Come on.

- Anthony was a simple tailor.

00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,724

But he soon found

that you reap what you sew.

00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,267

-(CACKLING)

-(SCREAMING)

00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,727

Korvo, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,854

- Hey, calm down, boo.

- Don't call me boo.

00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,398

There's a fucking ghoul downstairs.

00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,066

Let's call someone to bust a ghost.

00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,026

Who we gonna call? A fireman?

00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,362

We're not calling anyone.

That's just our crypt keeper.

00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,363

- What?

- We dug up

00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:46,656

a body from a graveyard

00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,409

and used dark sci-fi magic

to bring it to life.

00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,326

Pretty sweet, right?

00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,369

No, it's not sweet.

00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,454

Get it out of my house.

I-I-It's scary as hell.

00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,373

Sorry. He's our one decoration.

00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,874

That's not a decoration. He talks.

00:06:56,958 --> 00:07:00,086

He doesn't do anything.

Which means he's a decoration.

00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,422

We're following your rules.

Honor the coupon.

00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,424

Fine. I know how litigious you can be.

00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,092

Axe throwing bar

learned the hard way.

00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,468

So, we can keep him?

00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,762

Ugh, yes. I don't want to see him again.

(SCREAMS)

00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:13,141

In this rich tale,

a banker will cash his last check.

00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,934

-(LAUGHING)

- What's he talking about?

00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,271

He's a crypt keeper. He tells

pun-filled anthological scary stories.

00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,522

That's what they do.

00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983

- How many does he have?

- I don't know. A lot?

00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,484

This NASCAR racer

00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:24,735

was driven to win.

00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,362

-(SCREAMS)

-(LAUGHING)

00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,864

Well, girls and ghouls,

00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,783

this plumber's story

is dripping with irony.

00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,076

- Ooh!

-(LAUGHING)

00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,661

Hey, you can look, but no touch.

00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,787

Where did you get this?

00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,664

Move along. One story per viewer.

00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,707

It's working.

00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,792

We're even more popular than Randall.

00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:43,337

He reminds me of my nana,

whose grave was recently robbed.

00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,424

Would you look at that?

Somebody took my advice.

00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,885

Great job.

You gotta show that bad boy off.

00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,052

Great idea, Randall.

00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,180

Hallo-montage, here we come.

00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,682

(CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,935

Roses are red, violets are blue,

just like dead bodies.

00:07:58,769 --> 00:07:59,979

Wait, where's Yumyulack?

00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,148

{\an8}He'd love to be

making fun of us right now.

00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,524

Backyard. In Hell!

00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,693

Aw! Listen to that word salad.

00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,945

That CoComelon subscription

is totally paying off.

00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,197

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,784

Finally, something to distract me.

00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,412

I could almost kiss

this Pretend-O-Deck for breaking down.

00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,581

Oh, thank you, Yumyulack.

Can you hand me the...

00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,416

-(CACKLES)

-(SCREAMS)

00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,127

(SNORING)

00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,088

(THUDS)

00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,634

Nice and easy.

00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,677

- Nathaniel was a sea captain...

-(SCREAMS)

00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,180

...who had a sinking feeling

he would drown in debt.

00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,224

-(CACKLING)

- That's fucking it.

00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,481

CRYPT KEEPER: Somebloody once told me

the world is gonna skull me.

00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,608

I ain't the sharpest ghoul in the dead.

00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,652

(YELLS) Wait, was that Smash Mouth?

00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,242

-(CACKLING)

- Tell me your longest story.

00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,452

Don't worry, I'm listening.

Just keep talking.

00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,164

Jamal was a deep sea diver

who was always feeling the pressure.

00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,833

But if he thought running

a small business was hard,

00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,420

his final dive would prove to be

the most crushing of all.

00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,005

(CACKLING)

00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:13,094

What a beautiful day.

Anyone up for a round of cornhole?

00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:16,347

We can cool down afterwards

with 32oz mang-a-go-go fatties at Jamba?

00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,015

- No, this is bad.

- What's going on?

00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,767

We don't know where Crypt Keeper is.

00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,228

We looked everywhere.

I'm fucking freaking out.

00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,563

I think he might be lost.

00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,857

I'm, uh, certain he'll show up.

Did you check the trash?

00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,150

Seems to pop out of there.

00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,443

Of course, I checked.

00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:30,778

The back door was open.

00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:35,157

Crypty must've shuffled out when we were

snoozing off all those 100 Grand bars.

00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,994

Oh! He's probably scared and alone.

00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,454

No crypt to keep, no people to creep.

00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,373

Let's calm down, take a deep breath.

00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:45,501

Maybe watch an episode of the

Whose Line Is it Anyway? reboot.

00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,962

(CHUCKLES) How do they still not know

whose line it is?

00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,046

We gotta keep looking!

00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,464

- Crypt Keeper?

- Crypt Keeper!

00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,717

- Come out, boy. Come on out.

- Crypt Keeper!

00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,596

I'm sure he ran off to some other place

where he wanted to be instead of here.

00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,848

Maybe let's forget

you ever had a crypt keeper

00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,224

and everything'll go to normal.

00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,768

I don't want it to be normal!

00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,895

-(BOTH SOBBING)

- Where have you gone?

00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,231

My baby boy, my boy!

00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,150

(POP SONG PLAYING)

00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,651

(BOTH SOBBING)

00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:11,819

- Here, boy.

- Come on!

00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,738

- Crypty!

- Crypty, where are you?

00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:16,282

TERRY: How many lost fliers

do people usually print?

00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,825

A thousand? Ten thousand?

00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,535

Most people do 5,000.

00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,329

Give us 100,000!

00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,372

(TIRES SCREECH)

00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:31,547

(GRUNTING)

00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,467

- Whoa!

-(THUDS)

00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,139

Have you guys not updated

your torture techniques in centuries?

00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,559

Word of your impudence

has spread through the fiery realm.

00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,436

Thanks for the update.

Is there WiFi here?

00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,397

No, but you won't have time

to browse the web

00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,150

when you're cowering before

00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,819

the Necro-Kraken!

00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,529

(RUMBLING)

00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,323

(GROWLING)

00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:01,202

(LAUGHS) I think I saw this thing

in a '90s Mortal Kombat movie.

00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:05,164

This is what sinners are supposed

to be afraid of? Boring. (LAUGHS)

00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,582

- What should we do?

- Make him

00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,377

- push a rock up a flaming hill.

- He'll just make fun of us.

00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,796

Then we'll cross that bridge

when we get to it.

00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,215

-(BOTH CRYING)

- Crypty.

00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,718

I really thought your interest

in Crypt Keeper was superficial,

00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,595

like when you bought that robot dog.

00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,723

But it really seems like

you loved that dusty freak.

00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,974

We do love him.

00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,228

And now he's probably dead. Again.

Or double dead.

00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,813

I'm not in a good head space.

00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,773

Wait, what happened to the robot dog?

00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,234

(GASPS) Is I-Pooch missing too?

00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,944

Who knows? I definitely don't know.

00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,405

(DOG BARKS)

00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,163

How about we go to the cemetery

and exhume another corpse?

00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,998

- It won't be the same.

- Please, Korvo.

00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,251

Do an anthological story at us.

00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,837

Uh, once upon a time, there was

00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,630

- Star Wars.

- Do the voice.

00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,382

(HIGH-PITCHED)

A man named Lucasfilm...

00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,342

- It's not the same!

-(BOTH CRYING)

00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,927

Not your eyes! Be careful!

00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,560

Crypt Keeper.

00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:08,894

I'm here to collect you.

00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,939

I always intended on coming back,

so you can come out now.

00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,484

-(RUSTLING)

- Crypt Keeper?

00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,654

I wish somebody had a pun-filled story

to tell me

00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,489

about a haunted baseball team.

00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,908

-(WOLF HOWLS)

- Crypt Keeper, get out here!

00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,453

I'm not sticking around

in this creepy-ass forest.

00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,998

(TIRES SCREECH)

00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,087

Holy shit.

Crypt Keeper must've hobbled here,

00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,423

attracted to Randall's

disgusting, spooky house.

00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,008

I'll go explain the situation.

00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,968

He'll understand. He's a businessman.

00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,679

(RECORDED SCARY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,849

(PANTING)

00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,645

Oh! Friendly ghosts!

O, Shlorpian grey gods, watch over me.

00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,856

(PANTING)

00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,399

- Ahhh!

-(SCREAMS)

00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,859

-(DOORBELL CACKLING)

- Fuck this.

00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,736

Hey, bud! Whassup?

00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,029

(CHUCKLES) Remember?

00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,489

Ah! Pharaoh, stay away!

00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,365

- Oh. Randall.

- What can I do you for?

00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,034

I think you'll find this amusing.

00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:08,871

There's been a hilarious mix-up,

and I believe you have our crypt keeper.

00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,082

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I had no idea. Of course.

00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,251

Come in.

We'll straighten this thing out.

00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:15,753

How about you bring him out

00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,963

and I'll stay where there

aren't cotton webs.

00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,673

I don't decorate inside,

00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,842

and I'm going

to need a hand bringing him out.

00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,886

He's dead weight, you know? (CHUCKLES)

00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,307

Oh! An uninspired, bare living room

with a lackluster use of shades of gray.

00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,267

It's like a Crate & Barrel

showroom in here.

00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,727

I-I-I can finally be at peace.

00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,146

Is that

a Restoration Hardware enema machine?

00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,648

I've had my eye on one of those.

00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,441

(GROANS)

00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,860

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,157

(STRAINING)

00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,575

Damn it. What're you doing?

00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,118

No use struggling, Korvo.

00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,620

I googled kidnapping knots.

00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,122

So they're not coming loose. (CHUCKLES)

00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,166

What is this, some Halloween trick?

00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,377

To be honest, Korvo,

I fucking hate Halloween.

00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,379

I hate the kids and the costumes.

00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,297

I'm even allergic to SweeTARTS.

00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,967

But I love the money these rubes pay me

00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,761

to walk through a stupid cardboard maze.

00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,846

You're a poser?

00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,347

Oh, yeah, big time.

00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:12,351

And now, with a crypt keeper

and a real dead alien skeleton,

00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,688

I'll have enough buzz to keep

this honeypot running year round.

00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,274

Randall, come on. Don't kill me.

We both hate Halloween.

00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:19,525

We're on the same side.

00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,735

- Help! Somebody help me!

-(LAUGHING)

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,738

No one's going to hear you

over my haunted house CD.

00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,657

Randall, you son of a bitch! Let me go!

00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:28,284

Once there was a flight attendant...

00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,368

Oh! Shut up!

00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,536

-(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Ooh!

00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:33,622

That's my delivery

of 10,000 black lightbulbs

00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,416

for the haunted light show.

00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:38,377

Be right back. Not that you have

anywhere to go. (LAUGHING)

00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,753

Fuck you, Randall. Fuck you.

00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,672

Thirty slays hath September...

00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,673

Cram it, Keeper!

00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,550

(FLIES BUZZING)

00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,969

Terry, Jesse, look!

00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,555

We should put half of these

Lost Crypt Keeper signs

00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,973

up in the backyard, right?

00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,893

Oh, yeah, I'm back here all the time.

Tons of foot traffic.

00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,729

{\an8}(MILITARY MUSIC PLAYING)

00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:58,689

Look.

00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,650

That's right. We won't stop looking

until Crypty's home.

00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,236

God, I miss him so much.

I can almost smell him.

00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,990

(STRAINING) Damn it! He googled

the shit out of these, all right.

00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:08,991

Crypt Keeper, listen.

00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,410

If we lean away from each other

at the same moment,

00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,912

- I think we can...

- Knock, knock.

00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:13,871

Who's scare?

00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,539

A dead bride! (CACKLES)

00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:16,790

Fuck, it's no use.

00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,084

If I hadn't been too busy

being a Halloween humbug,

00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,544

I could have seen this coming.

00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,213

I wish I could go back

and like this stupid holiday.

00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:24,632

The Great Pumpkin.

00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:25,799

If only he was real.

00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,761

Fuck it. It can't hurt.

00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,722

O, Great Pumpkin, hear my prayer.

00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,601

I know I've talked a lot of shit,

but I'm at All Hallow's rock bottom.

00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,020

I believe in you, Great Pumpkin.

I do. I believe.

00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,897

Help me, o, Holy Orange One!

00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,981

Help me, please.

00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,108

(MIRACULOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,401

(GASPS)

00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:52,993

Wowie! Sounds like someone in here

is ready for Halloween.

00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,119

Oh, my God, no way.

00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:56,163

The Great Pumpkin. Y-Y-You're real.

00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,290

I heard your haunted prayers, Korvo.

00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,042

I can tell that you believe.

00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:03,128

I-I-I'm sorry I doubted you.

I can't believe you're really here.

00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,089

I'm always right here.

00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,006

Please free us.

00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,051

There's a Halloween impostor who's

trying to kill me and Crypt Keeper.

00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:11,303

Korvo, it's okay to be scared.

00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,221

Just remember,

00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,641

Halloween isn't

all about goblins and ghouls.

00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,019

By adorning our homes

with pagan symbols of death

00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,187

and wearing masks,

00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:24,441

we set free the artifice from our lives

and connect with our primal truth.

00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,819

To be afraid is to be alive.

00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,863

(SIGHS) You know what?

You're absolutely right.

00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:30,906

Thank you.

00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,908

No problem. Now I have to go.

00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:36,453

A little boy in Indiana is praying

for candy and to see his daddy again.

00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,039

Goodbye, Korvo. And Happy Hallo...

00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,916

-(GRUNTS)

- Stop. What are you doing?

00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,251

I'm sorry. I had no choice.

00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,460

Drop the... Give me that!

00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,713

(GREAT PUMPKIN SCREAMING)

00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,341

Don't judge me, Crypt Keeper.

00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,720

A long tomb a-ghoul,

in a galaxy scar, scar a-slay...

00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,638

Keep your mouth shut

and we might survive.

00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,641

I mean, I'll survive

and you'll keep being whatever you are.

00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,477

The quick brown fox

jumps over the lazy... poison!

00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,021

(KORVO GRUNTING)

00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,024

Fuck, fuck, fuck, God damn it!

00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,817

(WOLF HOWLS)

00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:08,861

Ice princess!

00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,696

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:11,822

What the...

00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,574

KORVO: Fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,701

(KORVO GASPING)

00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,912

Korvo, you're fucking dead, you hear me?

00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,708

You'll never find your way out of my

family-friendly haunted walk-through.

00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:28,547

(LAUGHING)

Not so indifferent now, are we?

00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,507

How is there so much talking in hell?

00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,135

All these check-ins are

revealing how insecure you are.

00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,678

Turn the handle.

00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:37,139

(SCREAMING)

00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,266

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:42,394

Oh, that's making the plant fiber

I have instead of a spine

00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,063

feel better than it has in years.

00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,564

- Fuck.

- Hey, it's okay.

00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,274

You don't know

how to torture an alien.

00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:51,028

If torments of flesh do not affect you,

we have other ways.

00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:55,741

How would you feel seeing

your mother devoured by a wolf?

00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:57,367

I don't have a mom.

00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,453

I was grown from a clipping

in a bucket of dirt.

00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,370

A clipping?

00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,414

Like a tiny piece of Korvo,

my team leader.

00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,291

- I'm a replicant.

-(GROANS)

00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,877

We usually just deal

with humans and racist dogs.

00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,003

Sometimes dolphins.

00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,213

You leave us no choice.

00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:12,382

Your misery will be orchestrated

by the Dark Lord himself.

00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,468

Satan!

00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,553

(SCREAMING)

00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:17,763

(SIGHING)

00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,140

That's a good spot,

keep torturing that, right there.

00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,060

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

-(OWL HOOTS)

00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,065

(KORVO EXCLAIMS)

00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,695

-(KORVO SHUDDERING)

-(WOLF HOWLS)

00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,781

I know you're in here.

00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:38,450

(GRUNTS)

00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:39,868

(GRUNTS)

00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,872

This is the final stop

of my walk-through.

00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,749

And your life, too.

00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,084

(GRUNTS)

00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,712

-(SHUDDERS)

- Here's a deadly ditty

00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,131

- about a shock jock...

- Shut up.

00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,423

...with a graveyard shift.

00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,425

- Shut up!

-(CACKLING)

00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,344

- Korvo!

- KORVO: Oh! Oh! Oh!

00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,098

Randall, b-be reasonable.

00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,642

Killing me, in some states,

would be considered murder.

00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,644

This is my life now!

00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,021

The Monster Mash all year!

00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,359

Kids will force their parents

to come here every single day.

00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,861

And I'll only owe

00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:18,782

Sarah Lawrence College another $135,000.

00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,033

Not if I carve you up.

00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,411

(BOTH GRUNTING)

00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,038

You like that?

00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,042

Randall. (GRUNTS) Randall, no.

00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,627

-(RANDALL YELLS)

- Randall.

00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,005

Did... Did you just say my name?

00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,673

Here's a tale about Randall,

00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,050

a little boy from Northeast Michigan

00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,927

who lost his sense of wonder.

00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,054

Hey, how do you know where I grew up?

00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,514

Randall didn't realize

00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,976

that when your whole personality

is being the Halloween guy,

00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,604

you only really get to live

one night a year.

00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,730

Time passes.

00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,316

Halloween is no longer

a marker of change,

00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,109

but a symptom of stagnation.

00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,529

The leaves fall,

your friends grow up and start families.

00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:59,448

But Randall remains the same.

00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:00,824

Like a decoration.

00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:02,868

All form and no function.

00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,203

A living death.

00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,121

Is the guy in the story me?

00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,081

CRYPT KEEPER:

Oh, Randall thought he was...

00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,958

...to his coworkers,

00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,586

who warned him

those programs were too competitive

00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,130

and never spent the time

getting that MFA.

00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:19,426

He wasted years and thousands of dollars

on a useless diploma.

00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:23,263

Oh! Crypt Keeper,

what you said, it's all true.

00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,058

I've strayed so far

from who I used to be.

00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:30,145

I was ready to pin my neighbor to

a board and put him in a display case.

00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,230

We've all done it, bro.

00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,232

I don't recognize myself anymore.

00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,234

I think I'm done with all this.

00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,111

I'm going to take my camper van

and drive west.

00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:41,823

Maybe open an empanada stand

close to the beach.

00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,785

Crypty, I... I owe you an apology.

00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,955

I thought you had no idea

what was going on, but I was wrong.

00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:49,206

You're a good guy.

00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,583

Gather around

to hear the tale of Jonathan,

00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,293

who loved his harmonica.

00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,878

Well, that one wasn't scary.

00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,047

The harmonica was made of bones!

00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,507

-(SCREAMS)

-(CACKLES)

00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:01,468

Terry, Jesse, come here.

00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:02,970

Leave us. We're wallowing.

00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,513

- I found Crypt Keeper.

-(BOTH GASP)

00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,556

He must have wandered

back into the house.

00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,641

- Crypty!

- Crypty!

00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,394

He's just as dusty as I remember.

00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,937

Mwah! What a cutie!

00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,272

Speaking of forestry,

00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:16,733

this next one is about

a lumberjack with a splitting headache.

00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,735

Yeah, boy, spin us that story.

00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,779

Now Crypt Keeper's back,

you can stop being sad

00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,573

and we can get to doing

fun classic alien things we love.

00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,492

- Like repairing the ship.

- Don't ruin this.

00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,493

Group hug time.

00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,538

It has to last longer than 20 seconds

or we're starting over.

00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,206

Pupa, come on. Get in on this.

00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,332

Yumyulack!

00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:34,376

Yumyulack what?

00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,170

(DEMONS SCREECHING)

00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,215

(DEMONS WHISPERING)

00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,925

Oh, shit. You're scared of this guy.

00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,635

(RUMBLING)

00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:47,806

Master, this impudent...

00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:50,600

Silence! You have failed me.

00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:54,229

This creature has descended

the levels of my infernal kingdom

00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:56,898

without any remorse or fear.

00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,986

Oh, shit! That was awesome.

00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,988

I'm actually starting

to sort of respect you,

00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,115

and, by extension,

Hell as an institution.

00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,493

At last, you comprehend my power.

00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,079

Look at their crushed asses.

This is so cool.

00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,708

I think I kind of understand the appeal

of Halloween and fantasy shit now.

00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,127

Embrace this seed of doubt, Yumyulack.

00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:18,378

Let it blossom,

00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:22,966

and you can serve at my side.

00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,803

Wow, maybe...

Maybe sci-fi isn't the sexiest genre.

00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:30,307

What's happening? What's that beam?

00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,351

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.

00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,353

My family is

bringing me back from the dead

00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,064

because they're sci-fi as fuck, baby!

00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,484

All this stupid hell shit is derivative,

including you, you big bitch!

00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,401

Stop that!

00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,195

- Get back here!

-(LAUGHING)

00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,530

Suck my sci-fi, Satan!

00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,034

We're sorry we didn't

realize you were dead.

00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,703

We're used to you heading

to Florida during Halloween.

00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:52,704

How was Hell?

00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:55,123

I don't know.

I wasn't really paying attention.

00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,919

Wait. You used a cauldron in the ship

to make a crypt keeper?

00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,045

Glad I missed that.

00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,588

Way too magical for my taste.

00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:03,882

Now, now, Yumyulack,

magic isn't always bad.

00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,176

I met the Great Pumpkin and he's real.

00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,595

- Oh, really?

- And definitely still alive.

00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,055

I hope he visits me one day.

00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,432

He certainly will, Terry.

He certainly will.

00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:13,767

(DOORBELL RINGS)

00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:14,810

(DOOR OPENS)

00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:15,811

KORVO: What?

00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:19,523

Terry, did you put up 10,000 fliers

promising money and free blowjobs

00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:22,359

- to anyone who brought us a corpse?

- Yes. Pourquoi?

00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,861

Well, you better break out

the chapstick.

00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,947

It's gonna be a long night.

00:23:27,531 --> 00:23:29,157

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:33,245

KORVO: A long night. (CHUCKLES)

00:23:33,787 --> 00:23:36,415

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)