Нежелательная персонификация Терри

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♪

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I'm so flippin' stoked to finally go

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to the newest, most-cash-grabbiest

Instagram attraction in town:

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the Sprinkle Museum.

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I'm gonna take a thirst trap

with every kinda sprinkle there is.

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Jimmies, nonpareils,

even the fucking blue ones!

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Nobody's going anywhere.

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I have to express your mounds.

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The stink is attracting

those giant spiders again.

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Fuck that, no way.

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Not the brusher.

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Just let us be stanky!

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- My mound, my choice.

- Hell no.

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I'm tired of slipping on pus

when I'm doing my Tae Bo.

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Bend over.

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Jesse, hold this bag

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and collect all the dribblings

and the sprays.

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- Ecch! It's gonna get on me.

- Be proud.

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'Tis one of the great Shlorpian honors

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to hold the mound gunk satchel.

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I'll never forgive you for this, Korvo!

I hate you!

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[brush whirring]

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[Yumyulack laughing]

[Jesse gagging]

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Woo-hoo! It tickles.

It tickles.

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- Do, do, do, do, do, do.

- Ugh.

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Get it all, Jesse!

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We can pour it in molds

and make our own gummy bears.

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TERRY: Ooh, are we getting

our mounds expressed?

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Me next, me next!

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Alright, Terry, you can be next,

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just drop your pants and let's see--

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[Korvo screams]

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- [Yumyulack gasps]

- Jesus Jessica Parker.

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- TERRY: What?

- Terry, you have a human penis!

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And you're human!

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I'm, I'm a human

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and I've got a slightly

above average human penis!

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[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse scream]

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KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

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until the asteroid hit.

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One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa,

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and escaped into the... space,

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searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

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We crashed on Earth,

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stranding us on an already

overpopulated planet.

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That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

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I'm the one holding the Pupa.

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My name is Korvo.

This is my show.

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Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

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Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

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It's a horrible home.

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People are stupid and confusing.

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Why do they always say what happens

in Vegas stays in Vegas,

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but then they never freeze time there.

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If you're gonna cheat on your wife,

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have the dignity to use

a chrononullifier,

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Anthony K. Delgado Jr.!

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♪ dramatic music ♪

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Wow. You gotta touch these ears.

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I can't believe I got a penis

and a nose and a dick

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and a head full of hair

and a schlong.

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Jeepers. I can't believe

you're actually human.

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This is so cool.

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Oh, my gosh.

Do you have a butt hole?

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I don't know. You tell me.

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[Jesse and Yumyulack cheering]

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- He's got a butt hole.

- He's got a butt hole.

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- He's got a butt hole!

- He's got a butt hole!

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Oh, what kind of stuff

should I put in it?

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Ooh, give me that gunk wand!

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Nuh-uh. Nobody's putting

anything in Terry's butt hole.

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Except me.

After we figure out how this happened.

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Oh, come on. You never let me

put anything in anything.

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[machine whirring]

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Damn it. It's just as I feared.

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Terry's body transformation is

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a natural Shlorpian reaction

to being on the planet

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for too long without the Pupa

terraforming it.

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What does that have to do with it?

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His physical form has adapted

to better assimilate

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among the planet's dominant species.

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Blade? Am I a Daywalker?

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No! Humans!

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How come it happened to Terry first?

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Because he's weak-minded

and succumbed to the temptations

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of human culture long before you two did.

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That's me, baby.

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Succumbin' to the temp-tache

of the cultch.

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Will me and Jesse turn human too?

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Of course! You two have succumbed

to popular culture as much as Terry.

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Jesse with boy-toyin'

and Yumyulack with your tea-bagging.

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At least we'll be humans together.

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Ha! I will remain

a perfect shade of blue

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because I haven't succumbed

to a single temp-tache.

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I'm Shlorpian ride or die. No cap.

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Is it too late to do anything about it?

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The transformation takes six months

to become permanent.

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It's like when you're making panna cotta,

the cream has to set.

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I hate when Korvo

compares things to panna cotta.

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The Book of Boba Fett

versus Alien vs. Predator

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is nothing like panna cotta.

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Well, I guess we just kick back

and enjoy watching me

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get snackier and drippier by the day!

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Now, if you excuse me,

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I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants.

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No, it's too dangerous to wait.

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Being Shlorpian is who we are,

and we can't lose that.

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We must leave Earth immediately.

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Being in outer space

will cause you to revert

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to your natural form.

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But, but, but what about

the Sprinkle Museum?

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They just disinfected

from the meningitis.

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No! There'll be

no sprinkle selfies today.

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Everyone to the ship!

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Where the fuck's my ship?

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Hold on, does this mean the ship

can actually be flown around?

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I thought it was broken.

That's kind of a big deal, you know?

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[sighs] The ship has worked

since last year

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when I turned into goo.

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I didn't tell you because

everyone was having such a good time

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as a team here on Earth.

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Aww, that's so sweet.

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Being sweet was wrong!

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I should have stayed harsh.

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Oh, my God, I can't believe

you guys didn't know

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the ship works.

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I take it out every Sunday

when Korvo isn't watching.

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What? How?

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You can't even use the transmogrifier

without burning your hands.

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You made me read the manual,

like, a hundred times

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under threat of death!

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Fuck, that's right.

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Okay, fine,

well, where is it then?

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Um, I recently borrowed it

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for one of my iconic Friday through Sunday

"Terry Freak-ends."

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Dang, this new human brain

runs hot and slow.

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Havin' a hard time

remembering the deets.

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Do you really not remember

or are you just saying

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you don't remember because you wanna stall

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and do shit in your human body

before we leave.

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- A little bit of both.

- Terrald!

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Look, I just wanna experience

what being human's like.

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Anyway, I'll be back. Byeeeee!

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Terry, get back here,

we have to find the ship!

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Oh!

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Fucking spiders! Damn it!

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Okay, our only course of action

is to blow the horn

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that calls giant monsters out of the sea

and use them to hunt down Terry

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and force him to tell us

where the ship is.

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It'll cause devastating earthquakes

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and most of us won't survive,

but it's our only option left.

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[spider screeches]

[Korvo gasps]

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Shit!

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YUMYULACK: I don't know what

you're so worried about.

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Every time Terry runs away,

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you know he comes crawling back

when he realizes

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this is where

all his action figures are stored.

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Usually, he hasn't lost

the ship full of all the stuff

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that makes me awesome.

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JESSE:

Guys, guys, guys.

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I found Terry's

Veronica's Closet lunchbox.

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Maybe there's something

in these treasures

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that could tell us where he went.

00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,974

Phoenix feather,

that bullet you guys bought,

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a witch's finger.

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Oh! A roll of 35-millimeter film

marked "freak-end."

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To the dark room.

Yes! Woo!

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[groans]

I'll be there in a minute.

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Keep sucking, get all around the rim.

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♪ suspenseful music ♪

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♪

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Look, Terry went to MTV's Spring Break:

Running of the Bulls.

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The ship must still be in Pamplona.

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Tight! I'll get the hover platform.

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It's on the ship

along with all the other stuff

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that makes our lives

so easy breezy.

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So how on God's green earth

are we getting to Spain?

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An airplane?

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No, we're still trying

to get off the no-fly list

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for that time Terry tried

to join the Mile High Club

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by himself in the aisle.

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Luckily, Mr. Awesome Genius

foresaw this possibility

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and constructed a secret backup vehicle

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and stored it in an underground bunker

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in the backyard a year ago.

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Now all we need to do

is buy some shovels.

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I guess Mr. Awesome Genius

didn't think

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to leave himself a tunnel.

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I think you like an excuse

to go to the hardware store.

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I do not.

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Hey, Dale, how's that shed going?

00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,486

Get that hinge on.

00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,988

Maurice! Upgrading the old pergola!

00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,448

That's gonna be peaceful as fuck.

00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,909

[singing] ♪ Having some fun

at the hardware store ♪

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♪ Saws and paints

and so much more ♪

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This would be a lot faster

if we had the shovel ray.

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Well, thanks to Terry, we don't.

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God knows what that selfish fuck

is up to right now.

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♪ sensual music ♪

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[Terry laughing]

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Oh.

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♪ sensual music ♪

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Damn, you're human as fuck.

00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,056

Thank you.

You wanna see my human penis?

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Fuck yeah. Whip it out.

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[shovels scraping]

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Okay. This should be it.

My secret vehicle.

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Oh, no, the robots from season one.

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Shut the door before they talk

or we'll have to pay em'!

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[mechanical whirring]

[door clangs]

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Okay, here we go, this is it.

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[mechanical whirring]

00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,827

Behold the Hammerhead 2.

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What was the "Hammerhead 1"?

00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,081

I just put a "2" at the end

of this because I thought

00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,290

it sounded more kickass.

00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:56,375

Hammerhead 2!

00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:59,002

YUMYULACK/JESSE:

Hammerhead 2! Hammerhead 2!

00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:02,047

It's got an advanced design

I cribbed from a He-Man toy

00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:04,049

that can traverse any environment.

00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,050

Let's go!

00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,552

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

What's up, buddies?

00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,971

Welcome aboard

the Hammerhead Dos!

00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,014

Call me the Weasel.

00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:12,307

Yowwww!

00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,684

Is it on Pauly Shore mode?

00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,394

That's gonna get annoying fast.

00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:16,812

It's just what

a computer voice sounds like

00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:19,064

if it's been buried

and forgotten for a year.

00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,941

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

Pam-pa-lone-a!

00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,276

Sweet, buddy.

00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,820

Estimated arrival: 14 days.

00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:25,654

YUMYULACK/JESSE:

Aww.

00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,906

Those times always drop

once you get on the road.

00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:31,201

[mechanical whirring]

00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,203

♪ upbeat music ♪

00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,497

[crowd cheering]

00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,332

[bull bellows]

[man screams]

00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,878

Stupid fucking GPS.

That took forever.

00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:42,713

I don't know,

seems like we made good time

00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:45,507

considering we had to sidewind

across the ocean floor.

00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,676

Look around for any sign

of the ship or Terry.

00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,803

That's one of Terry's stupid shirts!

00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,722

Hey, lady,

where'd you get your t-shirt?

00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,515

This old-ass alien gave it to me

for showing him

00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,267

how to do winged eyeliner.

00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,144

- Did he have a ship?

- Yep.

00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,061

Did you fuck him?

00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,521

I totally would have,

00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:02,566

but he said he was in love

with some guy named Crumbo.

00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,234

Who the shit is Crumbo?

00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,068

Korvo.

00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,653

Oh. Right. 'Cause I love crumbs.

00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:07,905

Well, what did he do with the ship?

00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:09,615

I don't know, last I heard,

00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:12,784

he and the amateur circus

were gonna fly it to Burning Man.

00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,786

That flaming gentleman

must be where the ship is!

00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,830

Solars-minus-Terry, rollout!

00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,208

Set course for Nevada!

00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,001

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

Oh, bummer, buddy.

00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,836

Due to mucho heavy headwinds,

00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,254

arrival time is:

00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,089

16 days.

00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:26,924

Come on!

00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,886

Ah, shoot, I'm doing a glow!

00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,638

♪ angelic vocalizing ♪

00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,477

Guys, guys! I'm a human!

And I gots boobs!

00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:41,522

Let me touch 'em! Uh, I-I-I mean,

who cares, humans are lame.

00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,898

Shit. I told you this would happen.

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,358

We just have to keep looking for the ship.

00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:45,400

Don't panic, stay on course.

00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,819

Panic? Look at me!

00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,906

I'm young, hot, and ready

to sign up for a student loan!

00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,115

Don't you pull a Terry!

00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,618

I wanna experience

the uniquely human activities

00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,119

I've always dreamed about,

00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,913

like waiting in line at the DMV,

00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,706

paying taxes,

and having jury duty!

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,250

That's what you've always wanted?

00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,503

Aliens never get to do all

the boring, mundane human stuff.

00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:07,089

I gotta skedaddle! Toodle-oo!

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:08,841

Fucking goddammit!

[sighs]

00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:10,467

I guess it's just you and me, Yumyulack.

00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,593

The original bad boys.

00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,011

Hammerhead 2, get us out of here

00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,346

and this time avoid highways.

00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,056

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

New route locked in.

00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,808

Updated arrival time:

00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,184

20 days.

[men grunt]

00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,018

Son of a bitch!

00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,562

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

Ow, ow!

00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,566

♪ upbeat energetic music ♪

00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:31,488

It's official, people.

The man is burnt!

00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,074

WICKER MAN:

Oh, please, release me.

00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,034

Let me go back to my home world.

00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,995

Have I not suffered enough?

00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:39,997

Oh, thank you, kind s--

[gunshot]

00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,458

I can't believe

Terry and Jesse bailed on us.

00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,128

Thank you for remaining dedicated

to the mission, Yumyulack.

00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,963

You are now officially the good replicant.

00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:50,507

Sure, whatever.

Check out what Jesse's been up to.

00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,092

JESSE [on phone]:

What is up to my followers!

00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,928

J-So here at the Social

Security Administration,

00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,681

finally getting my very own

Social Security Number.

00:09:57,681 --> 00:10:00,184

Bwaaap bwaaap!

Bweep bweep bweep bweep!

00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:03,604

Heck yeah! 987-65-4322! That's me!

00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,438

Ooh ooh ohh!

00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:05,480

Ignore her base humanity,

00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,566

just be alert for any signs of the ship.

Ugh!

00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:11,153

That hasheesh man is living

in part of my stardrive!

00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,572

Drug addict. Where did you get this?

00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:16,617

Aw, man.

This alien dude traded it to me

00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,327

for a jar of clean piss,

00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,704

which he drank without sharing.

00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,247

- Clean piss. Lucky!

- Yup, that's Terry.

00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,666

That dude was weird.

00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,127

I don't know if he's

gonna make it to Vegas.

00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:27,961

Las Vegas?

00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,796

But he swore he would never go back

after he didn't make

00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,799

the cast of Brah,

The Blink 182 Cirque du Soleil show.

00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:36,720

Dude, he was ranting about

something called Sabacc.

00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,638

What the hell is that?

00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,640

It's a fictional card game

he saw in a movie.

00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,517

Terry only likes to play games

with deep ties

00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:42,559

to cannon and lore.

00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,103

Why does he have to be

so fucking extra about everything?

00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,356

Terry's always bragging

about how good he is at Sabacc.

00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:49,942

If casinos are cashing in

on the ascension of nerd culture,

00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:53,111

he'd be attracted to the gaming tables

like an owl to a bat

00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,404

to a moth to a flame!

00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,322

A casino!

00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,574

Yumyulack, help me hitch

the recombulator to the Hammerhead.

00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,952

Sorry, hippie. We're taking

this sweet piece of sci-fi back.

00:10:59,952 --> 00:11:01,161

Sure thing, brah.

00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121

I should get back to my old life anyway,

00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:06,250

solving crimes using

my heightened sense of smell.

00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,921

Yumyulack! How long have you had

that human leg meat?

00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,756

Oh, man. Just a few days.

00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,925

I didn't say anything because

I thought you'd cut them off.

00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,927

I wasn't going to do that,

but it's a good idea.

00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,136

Give me those fucking legs!

00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,555

- [Yumyulack screaming]

- Whoa!

00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,349

Fuck! I knew we gave you

too many Lunchables

00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,183

and Xbox Live.

00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,811

Whoa. I'm a human, and I've got

one, two, three, four, five, six--

00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,229

[gasps] several pubes.

00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:29,439

Are you gonna run off

to do human stuff now too?

00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,941

I won't be able to handle it if you do!

00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,901

Um, no, of course not.

00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,945

I'm, uh, just gonna borrow

this bike real quick.

00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,031

Don't try to escape me

on that old-timey bicycle!

00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,409

Hammerhead, pursuit course!

Maximum speed!

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,619

[mechanical whirring]

00:11:43,287 --> 00:11:44,121

[ropes snap]

00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:49,376

Shit! Stupid slow-ass Hammerhead 2.

00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,588

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:

Hey, buddy, when are we gonna

wheeze the juice?

00:11:52,588 --> 00:11:54,089

We are never wheezing any liquid!

00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:55,966

Aim at Vegas, full Hammer ahead.

00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:59,845

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,600

Was there a guy

named Terry here recently?

00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,394

Ye tall. Green. Good-looking.

Probably eating gum?

00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,021

Yeah, I remember that fuckin' guy.

00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,607

He paid for his

Vegas Vegas Memories DVD

00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:12,733

and never picked it up.

00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,818

Let's transition wipe to my office.

00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:17,946

TERRY:

Where's the fictional game room?

00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,073

I want to play Sabacc and Gwent, bitch!

[girls cries]

00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,950

Jesus. Fast forward through this.

00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:23,702

What the--

00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,288

These freaks all look like they win

fictional card games for a living.

00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:27,331

What was Terry thinking?

00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:28,957

Pfft, easy mode.

00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:31,293

This is exactly like it was in the Solo.

00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:33,879

I call and raise you

00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,089

an actual spaceship!

00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,050

He bet the ship? How was his hand?

00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:40,677

He had five crescent moons

and a fist of swords.

00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,012

What the hell does that mean?

00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:44,389

I don't fucking know. It's bad, I think.

00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,600

We change the rules

on these nerd games on the fly

00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,518

all the time.

00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,145

Holy fuck!

00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,523

Well, at least nobody will ever see this.

00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:53,690

I want that ship back!

00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:57,027

Return it now or I will mercilessly

lay waste to this entire casino.

00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,488

Sorry, sir, this vehicle

is now the property

00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:01,365

of the Vegas Vegas corporation,

00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,783

and you need to fuckin' leave.

00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:03,784

Prim this guest.

00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:04,952

What the hell? Stop it.

00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,411

Why are you shoving me

into a cement mixer?

00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:09,456

[Korvo screaming]

00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:13,961

I can't see! I can't see!

00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:16,129

Okay, now I can see.

00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,049

Goddammit, I can't believe my team

has left me to do this by myself.

00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,634

I really hope they're all miserable.

00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,596

Drugs are so much better

when they actually get you high!

00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,056

[yelling]

00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,599

Has the jury reached a verdict?

00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,017

We haven't, Your Honor.

00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:31,854

Looks like we need to be sequestered!

00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,480

Out of the way, normal kid.

00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,315

We're about to bully

that left-handed kid.

00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,150

He's now the weirdest kid at school!

00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,278

I'm not weird! Ha, ha!

00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,989

[thunder rumbling]

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,325

Fuck, nobody said

this was stacked parking!

00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,370

The Hammerhead isn't designed to traverse

tightly packed spaces!

00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:52,040

Hello? Can someone please move

these gambling addicts' cars?

00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,083

Hello?

00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,377

How? How has it come to this?

00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,962

[thunder rumbling]

00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,591

A nose? No! No, no, no!

00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,469

Ears? Shit!

I don't want to be a fucking human!

00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,680

Noooooo!

00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:11,935

♪ suspenseful music ♪

00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:22,696

♪

00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,202

Sorry I'm late.

I had a court date.

00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:29,953

I heard about you getting arrested

for calling that judge

00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:32,331

"a bitch, a whole bitch,

and nothing but a bitch."

00:14:32,331 --> 00:14:35,000

She couldn't handle me requesting

a "motion to dismiss"

00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,836

for the reasons that

she "sucked fat shit."

00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:40,130

Now I gotta wear this everywhere.

00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,966

Plus, I'm in a buttload of debt

because people keep using

00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:45,761

my Social Security Number

to take out loans.

00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,221

Things haven't gone well for me either.

00:14:47,221 --> 00:14:49,139

Everyone at school ignores me

now that I'm human.

00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,475

At least when I was a bullied alien,

I was being noticed.

00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,353

[sighs]

This being human stuff is the pits.

00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:56,146

I tried changing my name

to "Baxter Cool"

00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,523

to stand out, but then I found out

00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:59,650

there's already a kid

named "Baxter Badass."

00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,735

So now everyone at school

just calls me Baxter C.

00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:04,112

Holy geez. Is that Terry?

00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,032

[flies buzzing]

00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,243

Jesse, Yumyulack,

it's great to see you!

00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,119

Oh, my gosh.

00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,496

What the hell happened to you?

00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,456

Waddaya mean? I've been thriving.

00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:16,917

[hacking cough]

00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:19,503

[groans]

Oh, cripes, the wound's open again.

00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:21,880

I need to get fresh rags,

but, uh, other than that,

00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:22,881

things are good.

00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:23,715

Yeah.

00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,800

Terry.

00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,302

Okay, fine, the last four

and a half months have been hell!

00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,763

I didn't know the shit humans do

to their bodies was permanent.

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,932

My penis ring's been infected

a half dozen times

00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,183

and I'm addicted to crack!

00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,893

I didn't even know you could get addicted.

00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,395

I just love the minty flavor.

00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:38,689

Turning human was

the worst mistake of our lives.

00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,482

We should never have bailed on Korvo.

00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,859

Then it's settled.

00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:43,861

We're going home and undoing all of this!

00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:45,153

But isn't Korvo mad at us?

00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:45,988

Are you kidding?

00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:48,156

He's gonna goosh his robes

when we come walking up.

00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,742

Just imagine how lonely and depressed

he's been without us.

00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,536

Just him and the Pupa

in that big house,

00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,037

sitting around and doing jack shit?

00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,874

Poor Korvo.

I hope he somehow held it together.

00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,794

TERRY:

What the hell? Where's the ship?

00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,212

YUMYULACK:

He never got it back!

00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,339

JESSE:

Uh, guys, what's with all the dogs?

00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,884

[dogs barking]

00:16:07,301 --> 00:16:08,343

Ahh!

00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,679

Okay, what the fuck is going on here?

00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,681

Hey! No humans allowed.

00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,308

How many times do I gotta say it?

00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:16,226

This is a brothel for dogs.

00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:18,395

Opening a dog brothel's

been my dream for years

00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:19,563

and the Pupa stole it?

00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:20,564

Fuck you, Pupa!

00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,565

[spider screeches]

[man yelps]

00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:25,027

We can't be humans anymore!

We gotta get off this planet!

00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,821

Please, Pupa, if you care

about this family at all,

00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,781

tell us where is Korvo?

00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,703

♪ upbeat dance music playing ♪

00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:38,665

Whoa, what is this place?

00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,459

The Smokeshow House,

00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:42,252

the ultimate club for the sexiest,

00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:44,838

most boner-generating people alive.

00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,215

I believe you're describing me!

00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,594

What the hell's Korvo doing

in a place like this?

00:16:50,594 --> 00:16:53,388

Maybe he turned human

and he's like a busboy or something?

00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,390

Maybe the cool people

take shits on him for fun.

00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:56,767

I heard that's what they do to losers.

00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:58,393

it's never happened to me, heh.

00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,522

Well, well, well, my old alien family!

00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:02,981

What a surprise.

00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,191

Korvo?

[glass shatters]

00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:07,986

You've turned into the most

gorgeous human I've ever seen!

00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,071

Not bad, right?

00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:10,656

It's been a good few months.

00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:12,574

Allow me to introduce

some of my new friends.

00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,576

Brad Pitt, regular Michael B. Jordan,

00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,995

and jacked Kumail Nanjiani.

00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:19,122

I assume you're here

to say "I told you so"

00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,958

because being a human is awesome.

00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,418

No, we thought you would tell us so.

00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:25,754

I cannot.

It was you who told me so.

00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,549

Korvo, the six-month

panna cotta period is almost up.

00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:30,676

We gotta leave Earth A-S-A-mmediately

00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:32,386

if we ever wanna be Shlorpians again.

00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:34,680

Good. I don't want to be Shlorpian.

00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:35,514

JESSE/YUMYULACK/TERRY:

What?

00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:36,849

My life's great now.

00:17:36,849 --> 00:17:39,476

I'm the new face of Edible Dude Wipes

For Her For him.

00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,562

People finally respect me for what counts,

00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,397

my symmetrical ass and dick dimples,

00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:45,399

not the stupid content of my character!

00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:48,652

But you said

"being Shlorpian is who we are."

00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:50,445

Well, if I did, that was stupid.

00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:53,073

Being proud of who you are deep down

on the inside is cringe.

00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:56,618

Yo, K. These AmazonBasics-looking

motherfuckers bugging you?

00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,829

It's fine, Momoa.

They were just leaving.

00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,456

Leo, slurp Patrón off my five-pack.

00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,584

Korvo's lost his marbles

and replaced them

00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,544

with new, fine-as-hell marbles!

00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:06,420

[sighs]

00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,255

Holy shit, what a snack.

00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:11,425

If I was that hot,

I would never ever look back at my family!

00:18:11,425 --> 00:18:13,343

Man, I've lost the second love of my life,

00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,596

right behind Pizza Hut

Stuffed Crust Pizza.

00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:19,016

Wait. We might not be aliens

and we might not be beautiful,

00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,268

but we have what counts in here.

00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,187

Like what, our integrity?

00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:26,148

No. Blood. We're full of blood!

00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,774

[slurping]

00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:29,985

What the fuck?

00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:32,154

This little bitch just

sprayed me with blood!

00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,406

Yeah, and I'm fucking full to the brim!

00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:35,949

[all screaming]

00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,660

Michael B. Jordan

be covered in B, I mean blood!

00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,204

Ahh!

[grunts]

00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,330

[screams]

00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:43,707

- Yeah!

- Ha, ha! Suckers!

00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,251

Stop spraying my hot friends

with your ugly blood!

00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,920

Oh, God, It's reverting me back

00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,756

to what I looked like before I sold

my soul to that witch!

00:18:50,756 --> 00:18:53,133

No! No! Oh, God!

00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:54,927

[groans]

00:18:54,927 --> 00:18:56,929

Our unattractive blood is so potent,

00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:59,765

it's melting the hotness

right off these himbos!

00:19:00,766 --> 00:19:02,059

Is it working?

00:19:02,059 --> 00:19:03,519

It's getting hard to see.

00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,395

Don't we need to hang on

to some of this blood?

00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,731

No, that's a myth!

Bones make blood.

00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:08,565

[groans]

[thuds]

00:19:09,233 --> 00:19:11,235

Ahhhh!

00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,528

Ah!

00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:16,782

Whoa! Keep your ugly blood away

from my beautiful body!

00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,034

You can have Nanjiani!

00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:26,124

Oh, no! He's getting away!

00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:28,418

But damn, do I like to watch him go.

00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,337

Hold on, guys,

I need to eat this cookie.

00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,089

I sprayed too much blood.

00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:33,382

No time. Jump!

00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,302

♪ dramatic music ♪

00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,887

♪

00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,472

Ah!

00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,140

Protect me, my Aussie hunks!

00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,934

It's the Hemsworth brothers!

00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,769

They even brought the weird one!

00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:47,980

Shit, I'm out of blood!

00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,690

[all scream]

TERRY: Stand back.

00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,152

[screams]

Gah-gah-gah-gah,

00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:57,239

I smoke what I smoke

and that's all that I smoke!

00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:01,785

[Hemsworth brothers screaming]

00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,371

It's official,

crack isn't whack, baby!

00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:05,205

JESSE:

Yeah!

00:20:05,539 --> 00:20:06,999

Oh, shit, crack fire!

00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:11,378

This blimp is soaked in Drakkar Noir

by Guy La Roche,

00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,964

one of the most flammable substances

in the galaxy.

00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:17,134

It's gonna go off

like a Molotov cockring!

00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,306

TERRY:

There's nowhere else to go, Korvo!

00:20:22,306 --> 00:20:24,349

This hot guy blimp is about to blow!

00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,726

Take my hand!

00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:26,768

Agh! So ugly!

00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,897

I'd rather die a Chad

than go back to being a simp.

00:20:29,897 --> 00:20:30,939

[explosion booms]

Ahh!

00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:35,444

Aww, jeez! We're all gonna die

as humans!

00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:37,279

[spaceship whooshing]

00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:40,699

Pupa!

00:20:42,034 --> 00:20:43,827

Korvo, you stupid ass!

00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:44,745

Come with us!

00:20:44,745 --> 00:20:46,163

No, I won't go back!

00:20:46,163 --> 00:20:46,997

[explosion booms]

Ahh!

00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:50,209

Look, Korvo, it's someone casting

for The Bachelor!

00:20:50,209 --> 00:20:51,043

Really?

00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:52,794

[screams]

00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:55,172

[all screaming]

00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:58,634

AISHA, get us off this planet!

00:20:58,634 --> 00:20:59,718

AISHA:

You got it, dummy.

00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:01,470

No! I finally fit in!

00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:02,554

[explosion booms]

00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:03,555

[spaceship whooshes]

00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:07,726

♪

00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:10,229

Wow, I guess the Pupa used the profits

00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:12,981

from his dog brothel to buy

the ship back from the casino.

00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:14,983

God bless you, you green blob!

00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:16,360

I'm getting tired.

00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:18,987

Hey, you're not still upset

that we killed a bunch

00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:21,532

of your hot celeb friends

30 seconds ago, are you?

00:21:21,532 --> 00:21:23,784

Yes, I'm still upset!

I had the perfect life.

00:21:23,784 --> 00:21:26,411

Korvo, I know you liked

being a sexy human,

00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:27,704

but this is for the best.

00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:31,542

We need to get back

our regular bodies, it's who we are.

00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:33,669

And now that we've seen

how fucked up humans are,

00:21:33,669 --> 00:21:36,547

we're rededicated to the mission,

just like you always wanted.

00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:38,549

I... I do like that.

00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:40,926

Plus, you're like our hot leader now.

00:21:40,926 --> 00:21:42,261

And hot leaders are the best.

00:21:42,261 --> 00:21:44,513

It's true.

I'm sorry for how I acted.

00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:47,432

I clearly had "hot guy brain"

and it was making me crazy.

00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,977

Now that we're back on the ship,

I am glad you rescued me.

00:21:52,813 --> 00:21:54,064

I know exactly what to do.

00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:56,650

We'll go live on another planet

for a bit until we revert back

00:21:56,650 --> 00:21:58,360

to our old Shlorpian bodies.

00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:02,990

♪

00:22:07,703 --> 00:22:10,038

It'll be a nice change of pace

to live on a world

00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:12,791

where we aren't being treated like

a bunch of freaky aliens.

00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:15,043

[crashes]

00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:18,463

[vehicle approaching]

00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:22,759

Go back to your own planet,

you filthy fucking humans!

00:22:23,719 --> 00:22:25,095

Fuck you, I hate this planet!

00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,555

You people are stupid and confusing.

00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:27,723

Aw cripes.

00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:32,728

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:13,602

[mimicking laser fire]