Бесконечная история медового месяца — Шлорпианцы возвращаются на Землю. Корво и Терри, которые теперь считают себя супружеской парой, узнают про такое понятие, как «медовый месяц». Пара отправляется в романтическое путешествие на канадский курорт, но узнав, что «медовый месяц» длится обычно неделю, решают растянуть орбиту Земли, чтобы увеличить количество дней в неделе. Юмьюлак и Джесси проходят в школе половое воспитание. Они должны неделю заботиться о мешке с сахаром, как о ребёнке. Для усложнения этого задания учительница просит их с помощью инопланетных технологий оживить этот мешок.

Предыдущая серия S05 E01 Обеденные шлемы Клервикса

Следующая серия S05 E03 Устройство „Живи-умри снова“

Бесконечная история медового месяца

The Never-Ending Honeymoon Story

Сезон: 05Серия: 02

Описание

Шлорпианцы возвращаются на Землю. Корво и Терри, которые теперь считают себя супружеской парой, узнают про такое понятие, как «медовый месяц». Пара отправляется в романтическое путешествие на канадский курорт, но узнав, что «медовый месяц» длится обычно неделю, решают растянуть орбиту Земли, чтобы увеличить количество дней в неделе. Юмьюлак и Джесси проходят в школе половое воспитание. Они должны неделю заботиться о мешке с сахаром, как о ребёнке. Для усложнения этого задания учительница просит их с помощью инопланетных технологий оживить этот мешок.

Субтитры

00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:12,430 Нахрена мы свалили с Клервикса-3 и вернулись на эту дурацкую планету?
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,180 Глянь на кожу.
00:00:13,190 --> 00:00:15,020 Потрескалась из-за сухости воздуха,
00:00:15,030 --> 00:00:17,640 глобального потепления и моего пристрастия к фену.
00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:20,070 Корви, детка, я не согласен.
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:23,520 Люблю Землю. Я скучал по раскладыванию футболок по разным стопочкам.
00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:25,020 Эй, пришельцы! Не подсобите?
00:00:25,030 --> 00:00:27,490 Это не сосед орёт, как чёртово животное?
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:28,220 Кто?
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:32,360 Корво, завязывай с феном. У тебя нет волос, ты прожигаешь в голове дырку,
00:00:32,370 --> 00:00:34,400 и весь дом пахнет как брокколи.
00:00:35,350 --> 00:00:38,460 Получал почту, пока вас не было. Хренова гора посылок.
00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:41,480 Гляжу, вы совсем на онлайн-шопинг подсели.
00:00:41,490 --> 00:00:43,660 О, коробочки по подписке.
00:00:43,670 --> 00:00:46,620 Люблю, когда решение о покупке принимают за меня.
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:51,140 Знаю, что вы, голубки, только поженились, так что медовый месяц будет улёт, да?
00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:54,480 Ну не. Не хочу жрать это сладкое говно целый месяц.
00:00:54,490 --> 00:00:55,200 И я.
00:00:55,210 --> 00:00:56,080 Да ладно.
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:58,160 Вы же знаете, что такое медовый месяц?
00:00:58,190 --> 00:00:59,480 Что? Конечно знаем!
00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:02,040 Что ты несёшь? Да обоссысь ты до смерти, Кевин.
00:01:02,050 --> 00:01:05,220 Конечно, мы знаем, что такое сраный медовый месяц.
00:01:05,230 --> 00:01:06,920 Википедия говорит, что медовый месяц —
00:01:06,930 --> 00:01:10,540 это непрерывный отпуск молодожёнов сразу после свадьбы.
00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:13,800 Обязательный секс-отпуск? Едем прям сейчас.
00:01:13,810 --> 00:01:14,500 Ты прав.
00:01:14,510 --> 00:01:18,250 Забронирую номер на лучшем курорте Канады, самой сексуальной страны.
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,680 Упакуй вещи, которые мы не будем носить, и книги, которые не будем читать.
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:22,330 Принято!
00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:24,020 Не подбросите до ТЦ?
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:27,000 В «Ошкош Би'гош» устроили распродажу галош.
00:01:27,010 --> 00:01:30,380 Мы собираемся провести время наедине, и прерываться нельзя.
00:01:31,690 --> 00:01:35,920 Я играл в софтбол и подал мяч слишком быстро.
00:01:35,950 --> 00:01:37,040 Сорян, не могу помочь,
00:01:37,050 --> 00:01:39,040 половина солнечных противоположностей
00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,690 сваливает на медовый месяц.
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:44,500 Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной,
00:01:44,510 --> 00:01:46,980 пока на неё не грохнулся астероид.
00:01:46,990 --> 00:01:51,480 Сотне взрослых особей и их репликантам выдали по пупе и отправили в космос,
00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:54,150 на поиски необитаемого мира, нашего нового дома.
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,660 Мы рухнули на Землю, планету, кишащую людьми.
00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:59,370 Да-да, это мой голос.
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,250 Я держу Пупу, меня зовут Корво. Это мой сериал,
00:02:02,260 --> 00:02:03,500 я уронил Пупу, видите?
00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:08,220 Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю! Отстойная планета! Люди тупые и странные.
00:02:08,230 --> 00:02:09,820 Они едят сыр с плесенью,
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,700 но, когда я соскребаю плесень с ног в кинотеатре,
00:02:12,730 --> 00:02:15,190 все начинают кричать, что это отвратительно.
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,320 СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,730 ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА ПРОДАЁТСЯ. 38 КОМНАТ, 6 ТУАЛЕТОВ
00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:26,790 Итак, сразу к делу. Нужно на вторую работу: стоять перед беспилотными тачками,
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,240 чтобы выяснить, видят ли они людей.
00:02:28,250 --> 00:02:30,570 За это платят? Это реально работа?
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:32,340 Конечно. А теперь заткнитесь.
00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:35,860 Из-за отсутствия на планете вы оба завалили половое воспитание.
00:02:35,870 --> 00:02:38,860 Не уверена, что нам нужно изучать секс, мисс Фрэнки.
00:02:38,870 --> 00:02:42,290 Да, мы размножаемся бесполым путём, без болтающихся органов.
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:45,170 У нас есть такие штуки, шмелкуны, уникальные у каждого.
00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:48,750 Тихо! Моя зарплата зависит от вашей успеваемости.
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,440 Так что не сдадите — клянусь, оставлю на второй год.
00:02:52,450 --> 00:02:53,200 Нет!
00:02:53,210 --> 00:02:54,960 Мы не можем тусить с малявками.
00:02:54,970 --> 00:02:56,800 Они капец какие пугающие.
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,880 Эти сучки выросли на «Эйфории».
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,950 Мы что угодно сделаем.
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,250 Хорошо. Ещё мы делали порнодиорамы,
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:07,800 чтобы убедиться, что вы, тупые подростки, всё усвоили.
00:03:07,810 --> 00:03:10,120 Сорян, это мой ржавый тромбон.
00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:11,080 Я об этом.
00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:13,990 А нельзя нас освободить от школы, как одарённых теннисистов?
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,640 Хотелось бы. А ты хорош?
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,580 На грунте ты крутой, но на газоне отстой.
00:03:23,590 --> 00:03:25,430 Так что никакого освобождения.
00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:26,780 Грустное заявление.
00:03:26,810 --> 00:03:30,420 Половое воспитание учит, что у действий есть последствия.
00:03:30,470 --> 00:03:32,500 Потрахушки плохо заканчиваются.
00:03:32,510 --> 00:03:34,980 Вы двое должны заботиться об этом мешке сахара,
00:03:34,990 --> 00:03:37,720 как о настоящем ребёнке, целую неделю.
00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:40,300 Тростниковый, позор, но такой гораздо вкуснее.
00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:43,580 Я добавляю его в домашнее печенье, чтобы мужики оставались на ночь.
00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:45,820 Пф, и всё? Легкотня.
00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:49,440 Могла быть легкотня, но раз вы проявили неуважение к моему сахару,
00:03:49,450 --> 00:03:52,770 вам придется превратить его в настоящего малыша.
00:03:52,780 --> 00:03:54,190 Но мне не нужен нахлебник.
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,280 Мне самой нужен богатый папик, а не наоборот.
00:03:57,290 --> 00:04:00,140 Грубо предполагать, что раз мы пришельцы,
00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:02,160 у нас есть технологии, оживляющие вещи.
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:05,000 Ага. Скажи это ожившей машине директора Кука.
00:04:05,010 --> 00:04:06,960 Вот так, хорошая машинка, хорошая.
00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:08,420 Держи морковку! Чёрт!
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:11,400 Ладно, это были мы.
00:04:11,410 --> 00:04:13,840 Ой дерьмо, она ещё хочет.
00:04:13,850 --> 00:04:15,490 Нет! О боже!
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,610 Ладно, давай, погнали.
00:04:20,870 --> 00:04:23,260 - Какой милашка. - Привет, малыш.
00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:25,840 У вас неделя, следите, чтобы он не сдох.
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:26,600 Он может сдохнуть?
00:04:26,610 --> 00:04:27,310 Ага.
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,120 Хорошо. То есть нет.
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:30,660 Этого не должно произойти.
00:04:30,690 --> 00:04:32,770 Мы должны уважать жизнь во всех формах.
00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:36,020 Она меня в пыль сотрёт!
00:04:36,470 --> 00:04:38,460 ЛУЧШИЙ КУРОРТ КАНАДЫ, СОРЯН
00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:45,740 Боже, не думал, что целоваться на кровати в виде органа — это так возбуждающе.
00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:47,990 Хорошо, что ты отговорил меня от Багам.
00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:51,050 Нет ничего лучше курорта Аланис Мориссетт, верно?
00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:52,540 Канадский Reddit растрезвонил.
00:04:52,550 --> 00:04:55,880 У них лучший джин тоник в районе.
00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:59,130 Тук-тук, не хочу вас прерывать, голубки,
00:04:59,140 --> 00:05:01,200 но у меня для вас бесплатное шампанское,
00:05:01,210 --> 00:05:05,040 пакетик белого порошочка и стопка из Simple Simons.
00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:07,540 Да, я понял почти половину того, что ты сказал.
00:05:07,550 --> 00:05:08,520 Наркотики.
00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:10,580 Подождите-ка, халявный пакетик?
00:05:10,590 --> 00:05:11,620 С чего это вдруг?
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:14,110 У вас же медовый месяц. Вам положены подарки.
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,560 В чём подвох, швейцар?
00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:19,990 Будто не знаете. Одна моя рука в кармане, а другая ждёт чаевые.
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,440 Не давал чаевые и не буду! Убирайся!
00:05:22,450 --> 00:05:23,710 Малыш.
00:05:23,830 --> 00:05:24,990 Ладно.
00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:26,660 А теперь убирайся.
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,000 Чёрт, я, конечно, хотел замуж, но не знал, что в медовом месяце столько плюшек.
00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:35,760 Все из кожи вон лезут, чтобы угодить просто потому, что мы поклялись в моногамии.
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,670 Посадили в первый класс, ваза фруктов в номере.
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,970 А эти шоколадные члены, вручённые по прибытии?
00:05:40,980 --> 00:05:42,820 Ты мигом их заглотил: ням-ням-ням.
00:05:42,830 --> 00:05:47,020 Ну а то. Люди узнают, что у тебя медовый месяц, и дают тебе самую лучшую херню.
00:05:47,030 --> 00:05:52,720 Я считаю, что нам следует наслаждаться неожиданной благодатью, но не перегибать.
00:05:52,730 --> 00:05:56,180 Я услышал, но, как твой муж, хочу не согласиться.
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:59,950 Может оторвёмся на всю катушку и проверим, сколько бесплатного получим?
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,540 Только после позы 69.5.
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,250 Может не надо?
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,610 С радостью.
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,290 Эй, это моя картошка!
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,820 У нас медовый месяц.
00:06:14,830 --> 00:06:17,560 О, пришлю вам трюфельного масла.
00:06:19,790 --> 00:06:23,050 Помогите! Кто-нибудь, вызовите конную полицию.
00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,410 У меня медовый месяц, старая сучка.
00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:27,450 Наслаждайтесь друг другом!
00:06:27,950 --> 00:06:29,310 Отдыхающие тут!
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,930 Теперь это наше СПА!
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:32,600 Но у нас тоже медовый месяц.
00:06:32,610 --> 00:06:33,340 Дерьмо!
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:34,060 Шах и мат.
00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:37,360 Вам всем положен особый массаж.
00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:39,780 Да, о да.
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:43,280 Милый, нельзя стрелять в потолок, чтобы привлечь внимание людей.
00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:44,360 Но у меня медовый месяц.
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,710 Ой, да, точно, поздравляю.
00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:52,600 Ой, Пупа!
00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:54,460 Лупи Джей-Кей Севенса в другом месте.
00:06:54,470 --> 00:06:57,420 И можешь успокоить сахарного малыша? Я играть пытаюсь.
00:06:57,430 --> 00:07:01,360 Я носила его под сердцем целых девять кварталов.
00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:04,560 Хотя бы скажи мне, что я справляюсь.
00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:06,010 Не хочу, забери его.
00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,090 Руки устали.
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:10,280 Как вынужденные родители, мы облажались по полной.
00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:12,180 Кажется, ему нужен телесный контакт.
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,840 Снимай футболку.
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,380 Пупа, Джей-Кей, убирайтесь отсюда.
00:07:16,390 --> 00:07:19,480 Джесси, прекращай читать мамские форумы.
00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:23,480 Но их осуждение не даёт мне спать ночами и помогает с графиком кормления.
00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:29,470 Давай поступим как любые разумные родители в сложной ситуации. Отвлечём его теликом.
00:07:29,510 --> 00:07:31,010 Никакого телика!
00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:33,950 Хочу ещё массажистов. По три на ягодицу.
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,900 В медовый месяц? Конечно.
00:07:35,910 --> 00:07:37,670 Стоило пожениться гораздо раньше.
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,420 Кто ж знал, что в жизни есть чит-коды?
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:42,340 Классно, правда? Наслаждайтесь, пока можете.
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:43,520 Что это значит?
00:07:43,530 --> 00:07:45,140 Ну он длится примерно неделю.
00:07:45,150 --> 00:07:46,370 Чего?!
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,020 Вот же, в Википедии. Медовый месяц длится неделю.
00:07:50,030 --> 00:07:52,430 А потом просто путешествуют, без всех этих плюшек.
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,600 Наша неделя на исходе.
00:07:53,610 --> 00:07:55,750 Но я привык к этой медовой жизни.
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,560 Как снова привыкнуть к белью без консервных банок?
00:07:58,570 --> 00:07:59,650 МОЛОДОЖЁНЫ
00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:01,870 Медовый месяц даёт право быть беззаботными.
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,830 Я тут мужика столкнул в бассейн.
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,680 На нём была кепка «Детройт Тайгерс».
00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:06,800 «Детройт Тайгерс».
00:08:06,810 --> 00:08:08,780 Он меня убьёт. Он наверно из Мичигана.
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,490 Не хочу, чтобы неделя кончалась.
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:13,580 И я не хочу, но я не могу контролировать время в таких масштабах.
00:08:13,590 --> 00:08:15,330 Погоди, а это и не нужно.
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:19,790 Если медовый месяц длится неделю, то нужно просто её продлить.
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,590 Корво, ты с ума сошел. Несёшь бессмыслицу.
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,060 Это Корво, синий пришелец из номера 413.
00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:28,010 Вытащите свой палец из задницы и достаньте мне вертолёт.
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:30,430 У нас с мужем одна рука будет в...
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,390 Позаимствуем его на вечер.
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,960 ГДЕ-ТО В АНТАРКТИКЕ
00:08:37,970 --> 00:08:41,740 Если найдём корабль прародителей, то узнаем, как продлить медовый месяц.
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:44,020 Точно, прародители, хорошо их знаю.
00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:45,980 Поэтому мы здесь, ради прародителей.
00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:48,240 Нет ничего лучше прародителей, верно?
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:51,280 Они древние пришельцы, создавшие Солнечную систему.
00:08:51,290 --> 00:08:54,240 Точно, Солнечную систему. Знаю такую.
00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:55,540 Ты — пришелец из космоса.
00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:57,370 Как можно про неё не знать?
00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:59,720 Секси пришелец как фильмах про Флэша Гордона.
00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:01,350 Да, ты секси.
00:09:02,050 --> 00:09:04,910 Корабль прародителей должен быть где-то здесь.
00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:08,530 - А теперь копаем. - Атакуем!
00:09:08,770 --> 00:09:11,720 Да, точно, конечно. Копаем-копаем.
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,360 Красота.
00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:23,120 Часть древней истории, покоящаяся с начала времен, нетронутая...
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,330 Терри!
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:26,120 Испортил мой вандализм.
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,420 А эти первобытные гении умели строить кабины управления.
00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:39,580 Выкуси, Мари Кондо!
00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:42,720 Ты глянь, эти двое сдохли, трахаясь.
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:46,880 Их вид разжёг Солнце и определил орбиту Земли.
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:50,120 И они были сексуальными чудиками. Впечатляет.
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,000 Один оборот вокруг Солнца занимает 52 недели.
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:58,220 Но если мы самую малость увеличим диаметр...
00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,930 А диаметр очень важен!
00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:02,850 То каждая из 52 недель будет на день длиннее.
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:05,860 Так мы продлим наш медовый месяц.
00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:07,860 Обожаю, когда ты понимаешь, что я говорю.
00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:08,940 Мозг разболелся.
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:11,900 А теперь валим из этой пыльной секс-пещеры, бесплатности ждут.
00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:14,530 Медовый месяц, хе-хе-хе!
00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:20,140 КАЛЕНДАРИ ОТ МАРИ МЫ ДЕЛАЕМ ВСЕ КАЛЕНДАРИ
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,540 КАЛЕНДАРНЫЕ ЧП
00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:25,170 Алло?
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:28,010 Мадам Президент? Вы никогда не звонили по этому...
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:28,670 Что?
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:29,920 Вся орбита?
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:30,720 Хорошо, ладно.
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:34,380 Просто добавим ещё один день и назовём... блюргдверг.
00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:35,480 Вот тут в конце.
00:10:35,490 --> 00:10:38,530 БЛЮРГДВЕРГ
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,030 ЛУЧШИЙ КУРОРТ КАНАДЫ, СОРЯН
00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:43,060 Извините, мэм, вы записаны на субботу.
00:10:43,070 --> 00:10:45,150 Сегодня ещё блюргдверг.
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,760 Как жаль, что вы уже выселяетесь.
00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:50,750 Вам не удалось поплавать с белугами в рамках VIP программы.
00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:55,660 ГЛОППЕРДА
00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:58,640 Кажется, в неделе появились ещё два дня.
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:03,240 Итак, будете плавать с обычными белугами или с озабоченными в чепчиках?
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:04,330 Со всеми.
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,430 ПЛОППЕРДНИЦА
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:12,710 Не надоело отдыхать?
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,010 Нет, нужно больше дней!
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:20,860 ПЛИПЕЛЬНИК, ФЛИМДА, ЧАППВЕРГ
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,330 ОТЕЦ-МОЛОДЕЦ
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,600 Почему неделя такая длинная?
00:11:26,610 --> 00:11:29,730 Не знаю, но я очень устала.
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:33,420 ЯПНИЦА
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:36,460 КОНЕЦ НАСТАЛ!
00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:40,280 Неделя загадочно удлинилась, и не без последствий.
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:42,700 TGI Fridays навсегда закрылись,
00:11:42,710 --> 00:11:45,500 а фанатам Saturday Night приходится смотреть повторы,
00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:50,170 чтобы получить дозу наигранных роликов, не выдерживающих никакой критики.
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:51,410 СТРАННАЯ ПОГОДА ОЗНАМЕНОВАЛА КОНЕЦ СВЕТА
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:55,870 Земля продолжает отдаляться от Солнца, и температура падает.
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,640 Сахарный малыш, нет, плохой малыш.
00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:03,440 Прошло уже дней 50! Я больше не могу.
00:12:03,450 --> 00:12:07,000 А нечего было приносить оживляющий луч в школу.
00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:07,900 Не вини меня.
00:12:07,910 --> 00:12:11,520 Уверен, что это Терри и Корво нашаманили.
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:12,680 Нужно их остановить.
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,080 Нельзя прерывать медовый месяц.
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:17,740 Пожалуйста, давай включим ему телик.
00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:19,410 Хоть отдохнём.
00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:21,490 Но я хороший родитель!
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,790 Неделя была длинная. Посмотри на Пeпу.
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,370 Он — суперкомпьютер, но тоже не справляется.
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:31,280 Он пытается избавиться от Джей-Кей Севенса, но никто не вывозит мусор.
00:12:34,010 --> 00:12:36,620 Кажется, что понедельник никогда не наступит.
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,910 Мы — родители. Давай сдадимся вместе.
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,630 Ладно, но пусть сахарный малыш смотрит
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,810 что-нибудь милое, доброе и хоть немного образовательное.
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:50,230 Может «Лучший пекарь Британии»? Эти кривозубые колонизаторы любого усыпят.
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,810 Ладно, но только это.
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:54,790 Не хочу, чтобы он подсел на гаджеты.
00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:58,220 На этой неделе мы будем печь блинчики.
00:13:00,110 --> 00:13:03,560 Нам, пожалуйста, свекольный салат...
00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:05,700 Что? А, фишечка Аланис Мориссетт.
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,830 И... так-так-так...
00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:11,820 А на гарнир... пусть будет желудёвая тыква.
00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:14,000 Эй? Говорю, что хочу тыкву.
00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:16,240 Корво?
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,580 Почему все замёрзли?
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,590 Возможно, мы отдалили планету слишком далеко от Солнца.
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,220 Не так это и плохо? Да?
00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:25,520 Всё будет хорошо, если мы не...
00:13:27,030 --> 00:13:29,480 Чёрт возьми, мы врежемся в Марс!
00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:31,480 В медовый месяц!
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:36,820 Может пронесёт?
00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:38,690 Его гравитационное поле уже нас притягивает.
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:42,850 Мы слишком далеко от Солнца и планета за это заплатит.
00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:58,130 Надеюсь, вам всё понравилось. Есть минутка на опрос?
00:13:58,850 --> 00:14:00,050 Как мы это допустили?
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,380 Со мной всё ясно, но ты же умный, Корво.
00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:07,810 Знаю, но кое-что в Википедии напугало меня сильнее, чем последствия изменения орбиты.
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,620 Боже! Ты что, читал про чупакабру? Фу!
00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:13,810 Есть распространённая фраза — «медовый месяц окончен».
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:14,940 Что это значит?
00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:18,500 Так говорят о мерзких парах, которые давно женаты и ненавидят друг друга.
00:14:18,510 --> 00:14:21,150 Они увидели уродливые стороны своих супругов.
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,860 Поэтому 90% разводятся.
00:14:23,870 --> 00:14:26,540 Давай договоримся, развод — это запретное слово.
00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:29,500 Как Disney Plus запрещает говорить, что Дональд... сраный...
00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:31,460 Или что гном Простачок — единственный...
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:34,280 Не хочу тебя ненавидеть сильнее, чем сейчас.
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,840 Если мы можем изменить орбиту Земли, то и статистику разводов изменим.
00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,840 Дорогой, я готов к трудностям.
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:41,420 Хочу увидеть твои плохие стороны.
00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:42,170 И я хочу.
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:47,010 Давай вернём Землю на прежнюю орбиту, разогреем до катастрофической температуры
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,600 и закончим наш медовый месяц красиво.
00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:51,350 Это мой горячий муженёк!
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,310 И каждый год можем отмечать годовщину здесь.
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:13,590 Хорошо, что Корво установил искусственную гравитацию
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,320 после того, как Терри закинул титьки на крышу.
00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:25,220 - Он меня поранил! - Да что с тобой не так?
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:29,360 Это кулинарное шоу. Смотри, что они используют.
00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:30,720 Пока мы отдыхали,
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:34,760 малыш смотрел, как уничтожают его семью и друзей.
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:37,300 Мелкий говнюк серьёзно настроен.
00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:39,260 Он был особенным сахаром миссис Фрэнки.
00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:43,110 Она наверно убила всех его друзей ради своих печенек для интрижек.
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,030 Если он убьёт мисс Фрэнки, мы не сдадим половое воспитание.
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,490 Активировать магнитные ботинки!
00:15:50,380 --> 00:15:52,830 - Как они работают на бетоне? - Заткнись, зануда!
00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:58,420 О... нет!
00:16:07,150 --> 00:16:09,160 Свисток с Хогвартсом!
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,460 Дружочек!
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,520 Какого хрена? Она застряла! Придётся делать всё вручную.
00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:25,880 В комнате десять кнопок, и нужно нажать их одновременно.
00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:27,820 Бегу, бегу, бегу... Готово.
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,610 Это восемь, Терри. Нужно ещё две.
00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:35,660 Но как нам достать до оставшихся кнопок?
00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:39,660 О боже. Придётся расправить захлопки и использовать наши шмелкуны.
00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:43,190 Что? Никогда не показывал никому свою шмелкуну. Это отвратительно.
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,300 Я тоже, но у нас нет выбора.
00:16:45,310 --> 00:16:46,720 Но моя уродская.
00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:48,180 Ты решишь, что я не сексуальный.
00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:50,260 Вот что говорит Википедия, Терри.
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,960 Мы увидим уродливые стороны друг друга, и всё будет хорошо.
00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:55,060 Ну не знаю.
00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:56,820 Терри, я люблю всего тебя.
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,740 Ладно, хорошо.
00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:07,190 Ух, жуть, кошмар, воняет как...
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,980 Не могу шутить на лету, как Дедпул.
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:09,950 Воняет, ясно?
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,740 Эй, это нормально.
00:17:11,750 --> 00:17:13,700 Я свою показал, теперь твоя очередь.
00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:14,790 Ладно.
00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:18,160 Какого хрена?
00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:20,250 Красивая. Нечестно.
00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:22,330 - Мерзко, не смотри. - Это не так.
00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:23,840 Почему твоя пахнет корицей?
00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:26,160 Засунь мне её в рот.
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,570 Глянь, с мишками всё будет хорошо.
00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:45,680 Да, но мы вернули и глобальное потепление.
00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:48,240 С мишками не всё будет хорошо.
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,840 ПЯТНИЦА
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:56,660 Типичная перезагрузка.
00:17:56,670 --> 00:17:58,320 Смотри, мой малыш.
00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:02,610 Извиняюсь за запоздалый пост.
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:06,000 Хаос с гравитацией помешал другой моей работе.
00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:09,010 ASMR с сексуальными именами покемонов.
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:14,340 Чаризард, Сквиртл, Джигглипафф.
00:18:21,030 --> 00:18:22,190 Больно!
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,610 Зря я помогал.
00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:26,570 О нет!
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,280 Что, чёрт возьми, происходит?
00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:30,700 Мы потеряли нашего сахарного малыша.
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,250 Можете ставить неуд.
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:35,240 Вы убили кучу времени на кого-то, кто не слушался,
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,660 и в конце концов свалил заниматься чёрт знает чем?
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,370 Вы правы с большой буквы П, мисс Фрэнки.
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:42,430 А ещё он у меня 20 баксов спёр.
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,880 Поздравляю, вы сдали тест на родительство.
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,210 Но сахарный малыш сбежал. Переживаю, вдруг он вас укокошит.
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:51,470 Не, без нас его просто сожрёт какая-нибудь лошадь.
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,420 Всё норм.
00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:54,590 Сегодня в «Лучшем пекаре Британии»...
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,660 Итак, возьмите сахар.
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,690 Корви, у меня ломка по важности.
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:04,560 Я важный?
00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:05,650 Мы поступили правильно.
00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:09,290 Чтобы почувствовать себя особенными, нам достаточно друг друга
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,190 и этой кровати в форме сердечка.
00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:18,030 Хочешь трахнуть меня и разломать кровать?
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,950 Это сердечко слишком маленькое!
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:25,950 Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,677 Why the F did we leave Clervix 3
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,262 to come back to this broke-ass planet?
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,346 Look at my skin.
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,807 It's cracking from all the dryness, the air, the climate change,
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,559 my addiction to blow-drying my scalp.
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,936 Korvy, baby, hard disagree.
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:23,356 {\an8}I love Earth. I missed organizing all my T-shirts into loose categories.
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,941 {\an8}Hey, aliens! A little help?
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,152 Is that our neighbor yelling at us like a goddamn animal?
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,236 Who?
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,321 Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,240 You got no hair, you're burning a hole in your head,
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,742 and you're making the house smell like broccoli.
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,162 I got your mail while you were on vacay.
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,538 Shit-ton of packages.
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332 You guys really lean into that "buy now" button.
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,585 Ooh, my subscription boxes.
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,295 I love the thrill of having someone else make
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,504 my purchasing decisions.
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,256 I know you lovebirds just got married,
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,009 so I'm thinking super fancy honeymoon, huh?
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,345 Yeah, right. I would never be caught on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,680 - Me neither. - Come on.
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,099 You guys know what a honeymoon is, right?
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,143 - What? Of course, we do. - How dare you!
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,270 Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,647 If there's anything we know, it's what a bloody honeymoon is.
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,775 According to Wikipedia, a honeymoon is
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,445 an uninterrupted newlywed vacation taken immediately after the wedding.
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,197 We're late for our mandatory sex vacay?
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656 We gotta leave right now.
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,743 You're right. I'll book us a room at the nicest resort in Canada,
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,078 the sexiest of all countries.
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,913 Quick, pack several things we won't end up wearing
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,539 and some heavy books we won't end up reading.
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,624 On it.
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,917 Can someone drop me off at the mall?
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,878 OshKosh B'Gosh is having a sale on all their galoshes.
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630 We're doing special husbands-only time,
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,381 and Wikipedia says we can't be interrupted.
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,176 I tried playing softball,
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,845 and I underhand pitched too fast.
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:36,930 Sorry, pal, I can't help you,
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,765 because half of the Solar Opposites
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,059 are goin' on a honeymoon.
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,354 <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,397 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,442 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa</i>
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,236 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,947 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,323 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,659 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,244 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,495 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,247 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,542 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,169 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.</i>
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,671 {\an8}<i>They eat cheese, which is mold,</i>
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,549 {\an8}<i>but when I scrape mold off my feet in a movie theater,</i>
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,135 {\an8}<i>everyone gets all like, "Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."</i>
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,852 {\an8}Alright, let's make this quick.
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,186 {\an8}I'm late for my other job,
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,729 {\an8}where I stand in front of self-driving cars
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,148 {\an8}to see if they detect humans.
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,567 {\an8}Are you doing a bit? Is that really a job?
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,235 {\an8}Of course, it is. Now shut up.
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,780 {\an8}Due to your planetary absence, you two are failing Sex Ed.
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,741 {\an8}I'm not sure we need to learn about the sex, Ms. Frankie.
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,451 {\an8}Yeah, we reproduce asexually,
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,287 {\an8}without any floppy human organs.
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,705 {\an8}We have these things called shmelk holes.
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,165 {\an8}Each Shlorpian has a unique one.
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,751 {\an8}Shut up! My paycheck is based on how many students pass.
00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:49,878 {\an8}So, if you fail,
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,297 {\an8}I swear I'll make sure you get held back a year.
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,423 {\an8}No!
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,841 {\an8}We can't hang with the younger kids.
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676 {\an8}They're intimidating as hell.
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,345 Those bitches were raised on <i>Euphoria.</i>
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,471 Ah!
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:01,681 Please, we'll do anything.
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,350 Good. We also made porn dioramas
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,520 to make sure you dumbass teenagers comprehended the material.
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,606 Oh, sorry, that's my rusty trombone.
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,899 I meant that.
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,775 Can't we just be emancipated from school
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,985 {\an8}like tennis prodigies?
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,070 {\an8}I wish. How good's your game?
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,743 {\an8}You're impressive on clay,
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,578 {\an8}but your grass game falls to shit.
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288 {\an8}It's a no-go on the emancipation.
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,664 {\an8}What a proclamation!
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:27,832 {\an8}Part of Sex Ed is learning
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,460 {\an8}that your actions have, oh, consequences.
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,420 {\an8}Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,048 {\an8}So, you two have to take care of this bag of sugar
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,717 {\an8}as if it were a baby for an entire week.
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,303 {\an8}It's conflict sugar, which I'm not proud of, but it tastes better.
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,431 {\an8}I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies that trick men into staying the night.
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,600 Pssht, that's it? Easy mode.
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,976 Could have been easy mode,
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,354 but now that you disrespected my sugar,
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,523 you also have to sci-fi it into a real baby.
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,192 But I don't want a Sugar Baby.
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:57,195 {\an8}I want a sugar daddy, or at least a sugar legal guardian.
00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,031 And it's rude to assume that just because we're aliens,
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,158 we have the technology to bring things to life.
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,994 Uh-huh. Tell it to Principal Cooke's living car.
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,788 That's it, good car, good car.
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,414 Get the carrot. Fuck!
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,626 Okay, that was us.
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,836 Oh, shit, it's coming back for more.
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,380 Oh! Oh, God!
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,423 Fine, here comes the sci-fi.
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263 - It's so cute. - Aww, hi, baby.
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,723 {\an8}You have one week to keep it alive.
00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,183 {\an8}- It can die, right? - Oh, yeah.
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,977 {\an8}Good, I mean bad.
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,561 {\an8}Don't let that happen.
00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,772 {\an8}We have to respect life in all its forms.
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,401 {\an8}It's grinding my bones into dust.
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,866 Oh, my God, I had no idea how turned on I'd get
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,702 by making out on a bed shaped like an organ.
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,328 I'm glad you talked me out of the Bahamas.
00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,579 Nothing beats
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,915 Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Resort, eh?
00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,458 Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961 They have the best gin and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.
00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,132 Ding-dong. Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,343 But I have complimentary champagne, some big rush zip,
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,929 and a pile of Simple Simons with your name on it.
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,432 Ah, yes, I understood almost half of that.
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,516 It's drugs.
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,393 Wait a minute, complimentary zip?
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562 - When does that ever happen? - Well, it's your honeymoon.
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,980 You get all sorts of free stuff.
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,440 {\an8}What's the catch, bellman?
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,067 You ought to know, I have one hand in my pocket,
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,986 and the other one is waiting for a tip.
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,612 I've never tipped, and I never shall.
00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,197 - Get outta here! - Sweetie.
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:24,490 Ugh. Fine.
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,075 Now get outta here.
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,412 Damn, I was all wet to get married, but I had no idea
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,830 how great the honeymoon perks would be.
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,541 Yes, everyone's falling over themselves to be nice to us,
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,710 just because we've taken their monogamy oath.
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,671 Upgraded to first class, big bowl of fruit in the room.
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,965 What about all those chocolate dicks we received on arrival?
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,759 You guzzled those down. Nom, nom, nom.
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:43,843 Guilt-free dicks.
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,219 When people find out you're on your honeymoon,
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,846 it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,014 As a married husband,
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,224 I think we should enjoy this unexpected boon
00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,018 without taking it to the extreme.
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,561 Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,
00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,022 but counterpoint from an equally married husband:
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,899 Why don't we run around and stress-test this shit
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,776 so we can see how much fun stuff we can get?
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,571 - Only if we 69.5 first. - Do I have to?
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,989 I'd love that.
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,289 Hey, those are my French fries.
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,749 We're on our honeymoon.
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,001 Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,380 Ah, help!
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,049 Someone call the mounted police.
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,259 I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.
00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,886 Enjoy your love.
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,305 H-moon hotties here!
00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,932 This is our spa day now.
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,475 But we're on our honeymoon too.
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,060 - Oh, shit! - Checkmate!
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,687 You're all entitled to a special rubbing.
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,774 Uh, oh, yeah!
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,609 Honey, you can't just shoot a gun
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,277 into the ceiling to get people's attention.
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,362 But it's my honeymoon.
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,197 Oh, shit, right, congratulations.
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,412 Ow, Pupa!
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,455 Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,249 And can you keep that Sugar Baby quiet?
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,417 I'm trying to game here.
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,211 I carried this baby for nine whole blocks
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,546 on the way home.
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,465 The least you can do is tell me I'm doing a good job.
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,008 Oh, come on, I don't want him.
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,093 My arms are tired.
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,179 We are totally failing at being a mandatory school family.
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,889 I think it wants to feel skin to bag.
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,349 Take off your shirt.
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:16,269 Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,480 And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading those parenting subreddits.
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,315 But their judgments keep me awake at night,
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,401 which helps me stay alert for night-time feedings.
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,445 Let's just do what all reasonable parents do
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,654 when things get hard.
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,031 Distract it with screen time.
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,658 No screens for baby.
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,953 Can I get five more masseuses, three for each cheek?
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,830 On your honeymoon? Of course.
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,665 We really should have gotten married sooner.
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,333 Who knew it would be the cheat code to life?
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,418 It's great, right?
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,336 You should definitely enjoy it while it lasts.
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,504 What on earth does that mean?
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,798 - Honeymoons are only like a week? - What?!
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,886 It's right there on Wikipedia. Honeymoons last a week.
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,430 After that, it's just traveling without any of the perks,
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,598 and our week's almost up.
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,641 But I've grown accustomed to the honey-lifestyle.
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,143 How am I supposed to go back to underwear
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,561 without newlywed cans?
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,772 The honeymoon gives us a pass from being decent and careful.
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,691 I took that guy's wallet and shoved him into the pool.
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,526 He was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,777 A Detroit Tigers hat.
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,571 He's gonna kill me, Terry. He's probably from Michigan.
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,490 I don't want this week to end!
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,576 Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time, not on that scale.
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,328 Wait, I don't have to.
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,205 If the honeymoon only lasts a week,
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,790 then I just have to extend the week.
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,585 Korvo, you've gone honey-mad. That doesn't make any sense.
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,921 This is Korvo, the blue alien in room 413.
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,007 MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse and get me a dovmecopter.
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,426 My husband and I will have one hand in our...
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,844 We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,977 If we find the Progenitor ship, we'll find the answer
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,687 to extending our honeymoon week.
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,023 Ah, yes, the Progenitors. I know them well.
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,983 That's why we're here, for the Progenitors.
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,152 Nothing like a good old Progenitor, am I right?
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:51,280 Progenitors were the ancient aliens who created the solar system.
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,242 Ah, yes, the so-lar system, I know it well.
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,535 You're an alien from space.
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,370 How do you not know what a solar system is?
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,622 I'm more of a sexy, Flash Gordon-type alien.
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,957 Damn right you are.
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,168 Okay, a Progenitor ship should be buried right here.
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,964 - And now we dig. - Fight!
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:11,092 Right, yes, of course. Diggity dig.
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:18,224 Beautiful.
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,559 A piece of ancient history,
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,520 undisturbed since the dawn of time, untouched by...
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,771 Terry!
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,773 Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,157 These primordial geniuses
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,243 really knew how to design a control room.
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,579 Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,998 Oh, look, these two died fucking.
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,836 This species ignited the sun and set the orbit of the Earth.
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,380 And they still had time to be sexy freaks. Impressive.
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:53,926 They locked the orbit into 52 weeks to complete a full solar revolution.
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,721 But if we increase the circumference of the orbit
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,222 a little larger...
00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,932 Can't spell circumference without cum!
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,852 ...then each of the 52 weeks will have to be a day longer.
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,855 Which means our honeymoon week is longer.
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,857 Terry, I love it when you understand what I'm saying.
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:08,941 It hurt my brain.
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,651 Now, let's get out of this dusty sex tomb
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,902 and go get more free stuff.
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,530 Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,166 Hello?
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,669 Madam President! I've never had to answer this phone, but-- what?
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,920 The whole orbit?
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,300 Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in a new day called, uh, Blurgday
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,468 right at the end there.
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,059 I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your appointment is on Saturday.
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,685 It's still Blurgday.
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,604 It's too bad you're checking out.
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940 You never got to do our VIP swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,491 Looks like a couple more days were added to the week.
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,743 So, would you like to swim with the regular belugas
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,079 or horny belugas with the French maid hats?
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,330 We'll take both.
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,630 Are you done honeymooning?
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,507 Hell no, give me more days.
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,519 How is this week so long?
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,021 I don't know, but I'm so tired.
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:40,282 Brr. Consequences build as the week mysteriously extends.
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,702 {\an8}TGIFridays closed their doors for good,
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,496 {\an8}and <i>SNL</i> fans have been forced to watch reruns
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,416 {\an8}to get their fix of overplayed, first-act sketches
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,167 {\an8}that beat non-jokes into the ground.
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,252 {\an8}Brr!
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,629 <i>As the Earth's orbit moves away from the sun,</i>
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,339 <i>temperatures continue to drop.</i>
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,635 Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,179 It's been, like, 50 days!
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,597 I can't do this anymore!
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,809 It's all your fault for bringing the Make Alive ray to school.
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,893 Don't blame me.
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,395 Whatever sci-fi shit is happening
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,313 is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:12,565 We gotta make them stop.
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650 We can't interrupt their honeymoon.
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737 Can we please give Sugar Baby screen time?
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,405 It'll give us peace.
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,490 But I've been such a good parent.
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,784 This week is too long. Look at Pupa.
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,370 He's a supercomputer, and even he can't win.
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,706 He's been trying to throw JK Sevens out for days,
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,624 no one's picking up the trash.
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003 Ahh!
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,380 It feels like we're never gonna get to Monday!
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,673 We're co-parents.
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,300 We have to give up on this together.
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,261 Ugh, fine, but can we please let Sugar Baby
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,806 watch something sweet and chill and mildly educational?
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,308 How about <i>The Great British Bake Off?</i>
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,227 Those snaggle-toothed colonizers could dull anyone to sleep.
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,812 Okay, but only <i>Bake Off.</i>
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,440 I don't want him getting coked up on that flipping <i>Blippi.</i>
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,526 [on phone] <i>This week, we're making a single pancake.</i>
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,491 And I think we'll have the head-over-beet salad.
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,701 What the-- Oh, right, the Alanis Morissette thing.
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828 And... choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo,
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,665 a side of this-album-is-about Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,250 Hello? I said I want the squash.
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,130 Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,592 {\an8}Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet a little far from the sun.
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219 But that's not so bad, right?
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,804 No, we should be fine, as long as we don't...
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,475 Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,060 On our honeymoon!
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:36,816 Maybe we're gonna miss it!
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,692 Its gravitational pull is already affecting us.
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,236 We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,154 and now the planet is going to pay the price.
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,162 Ahh!
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,586 Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have a quick minute for a survey?
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,047 How did we let it get so bad?
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,383 I mean, I know how I did, but you're the smart one, Korvo.
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,593 I know, but the danger of changing the orbit
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,345 was better than something I'd read on Wikipedia
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,805 that scared the gooblers out of me.
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,474 Oh, God. What did you read about, Chupacabras, ee-ee?
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,434 There's a common phrase people use,
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,811 "The honeymoon is over."
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,937 What does that mean?
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,605 It's what people say about nasty couples
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,357 who've been married for a while and hate each other.
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,151 They start to see the ugly parts of their spouses they can't un-see.
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,863 That's why the divorce rate is like 4.5 out of 5.
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,989 So we make a promise.
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,448 Divorce is a forbidden D word.
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,451 Like how Disney Plus won't let us say "Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,453 or how Dopey is the only dwarf that [bleep].
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,913 I never want to resent you,
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,206 not more than I currently do.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,041 Korvo, if we can fuck with the Earth's orbit,
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,835 we can fuck with marriage statistics.
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,837 Honey, I am here for the tough times.
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,172 - I want to see your ugly parts. - I do too.
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,258 Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,011 warm the planet back to the previous catastrophic temperature,
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,597 and end this honeymoon on our terms.
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,348 That's my hot-ass husband right there.
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:54,310 And every year, we can celebrate our anniversary right here.
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,579 Good thing Korvo equipped the house with its own artificial gravity
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497 after Terry kept throwing his jugs on the roof.
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:23,005 Ow, he cut me.
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,215 What the heck is wrong with you?
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,635 It's the baking show.
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,802 Look what they're using.
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,721 While we've been resting,
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,016 Sugar Baby was watching them destroy his friends and family.
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,225 Ah!
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,144 That little freak's on a murder mission.
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,146 He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:43,108 She must have killed all his friends with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,028 We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie or we'll never pass Sex Ed.
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,571 Activate magnet shoes.
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,700 How do these work on cement?
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,826 Shut up, nerd.
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,415 Ah! No!
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,509 Harry Potter whistle!
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,845 Aw, friends.
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,355 Oh, what the hell? It's stuck.
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,523 We're gonna have to do it manually.
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,651 There are 10 switches around the room we must engage at the same time.
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,820 Love, love, love, love. I got mine.
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,906 That's eight. Come on, Terry, we just need two more.
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,661 How the hell are we supposed to reach the last two?
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:38,080 Oh, God. We're gonna have to spread our flaps
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,373 and use our shmelk holes.
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,960 What? I've never shown anyone my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,295 I haven't either, but we don't have a choice.
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,714 But mine's so ugly.
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,173 You're not gonna think I'm sexy.
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,259 This is what I read about on Wikipedia, Terry.
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,428 We're gonna see the ugly parts of each other,
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,804 and we'll be okay.
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,432 - I don't know. - Terry, I love all of you.
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,142 Uh, okay, fine.
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,192 Oh, God, oh, fuck, it smells like, like...
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,861 I can't be clever on-the-fly like Deadpool.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,945 It stinks, okay?
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,739 Hey, th-th-that's normal.
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,699 I showed you mine, it's your turn now.
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,783 Okay.
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,162 What the fuck?
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,247 It's beautiful. That's not fair.
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,332 - It's gross, don't look. - No, it is not.
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,834 Why does yours smell like cinnamon?
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,627 I want it in my mouth.
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,353 Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,439 Yes, but we also returned climate change.
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,233 Oh, the polar bears are not gonna be okay.
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,658 Typical sci-fi reset.
00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,743 Oh, my baby.
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,498 Apologies to my subscribers for the late post.
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,876 The gravity chaos fucked up my other, other, other job.
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,004 ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,964 Charizard,
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:14,343 Squirtle, Jigglypuff.
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,679 Ah!
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,556 Ahh!
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,184 Ow, that really hurts.
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,061 I regret being helpful.
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,563 Oh, no!
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,273 What the hell is going on?
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,567 We, we lost our Sugar Baby.
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,860 Go ahead and fail us.
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,862 Did you spend wakeless days caring for something
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,156 that exhausted you, didn't listen, and eventually ran away
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:37,658 to pursue something you didn't approve of?
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,369 You betcha with a capital B, Ms. Frankie.
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,162 Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,873 Congrats, you experienced true parenting, you passed.
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,333 Sugar Baby is still out there.
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,210 I'm worried he's gonna do a murder on you.
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,338 Nah, without us, I'm sure he'll get licked to death by a horse.
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:52,422 He'll be fine.
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,591 <i>Today, on</i> The Great British Bake Off.
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,301 Everyone, grab your sugar.
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,684 Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,644 - Am I important? - We did the right thing.
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,604 We have all we need to feel special,
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,731 us, the team family,
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,192 and this goddamned heart-shaped bed.
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,031 You wanna blow out my back and break this bed in half?
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,075 This heart shape is too small!

00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,919 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:06,923 ♪
00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,925 [♪ gentle music playing]
00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,677 Why the F did we leave Clervix 3
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,262 to come back to this broke-ass planet?
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,346 Look at my skin.
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,807 It's cracking from all the dryness, the air, the climate change,
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,559 my addiction to blow-drying my scalp.
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,936 Korvy, baby, hard disagree.
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:23,356 {\an8}I love Earth. I missed organizing all my T-shirts into loose categories.
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,941 {\an8}[man] Hey, aliens! A little help?
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,152 Is that our neighbor yelling at us like a goddamn animal?
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,236 - [hair dryer whirring] - Who?
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,321 Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,240 You got no hair, you're burning a hole in your head,
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,742 and you're making the house smell like broccoli.
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:35,285 [horn honking]
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,162 I got your mail while you were on vacay.
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,538 Shit-ton of packages.
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332 You guys really lean into that "buy now" button.
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,585 Ooh, my subscription boxes.
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,295 I love the thrill of having someone else make
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,504 my purchasing decisions.
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,256 I know you lovebirds just got married,
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,009 so I'm thinking super fancy honeymoon, huh?
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,345 Yeah, right. I would never be caught on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,680 - Me neither. - Come on.
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,099 You guys know what a honeymoon is, right?
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,143 - What? Of course, we do. - How dare you!
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,270 Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,647 If there's anything we know, it's what a bloody honeymoon is.
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,775 According to Wikipedia, a honeymoon is
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,445 an uninterrupted newlywed vacation taken immediately after the wedding.
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,197 We're late for our mandatory sex vacay?
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656 We gotta leave right now.
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,743 You're right. I'll book us a room at the nicest resort in Canada,
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,078 the sexiest of all countries.
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,913 Quick, pack several things we won't end up wearing
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,539 and some heavy books we won't end up reading.
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,624 - On it. - [clothes rustling]
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,917 Can someone drop me off at the mall?
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,878 OshKosh B'Gosh is having a sale on all their galoshes.
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630 We're doing special husbands-only time,
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,381 and Wikipedia says we can't be interrupted.
00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:31,674 [Yumyulack screaming]
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,176 I tried playing softball,
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,845 and I underhand pitched too fast.
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:36,930 Sorry, pal, I can't help you,
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,765 because half of the Solar Opposites
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,059 are goin' on a honeymoon.
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,354 [Korvo] <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,397 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,442 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa</i>
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,236 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,947 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,323 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,659 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,244 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,495 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,247 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,542 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,169 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.</i>
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,671 {\an8}<i>They eat cheese, which is mold,</i>
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,549 {\an8}<i>but when I scrape mold off my feet in a movie theater,</i>
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,135 {\an8}<i>everyone gets all like, "Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."</i>
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,346 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,852 {\an8}[Ms. Frankie] Alright, let's make this quick.
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,186 {\an8}I'm late for my other job,
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,729 {\an8}where I stand in front of self-driving cars
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,148 {\an8}to see if they detect humans.
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,567 {\an8}Are you doing a bit? Is that really a job?
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,235 {\an8}Of course, it is. Now shut up.
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,780 {\an8}Due to your planetary absence, you two are failing Sex Ed.
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,741 {\an8}I'm not sure we need to learn about the sex, Ms. Frankie.
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,451 {\an8}Yeah, we reproduce asexually,
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,287 {\an8}without any floppy human organs.
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,705 {\an8}We have these things called shmelk holes.
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,165 {\an8}Each Shlorpian has a unique one.
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,751 {\an8}Shut up! My paycheck is based on how many students pass.
00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:49,878 {\an8}So, if you fail,
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,297 {\an8}I swear I'll make sure you get held back a year.
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,423 {\an8}[Yumyulack and Jesse] No!
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,841 {\an8}We can't hang with the younger kids.
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676 {\an8}They're intimidating as hell.
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,345 Those bitches were raised on <i>Euphoria.</i>
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,471 [Yumyulack and Jesse] Ah!
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:01,681 Please, we'll do anything.
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,350 Good. We also made porn dioramas
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,520 to make sure you dumbass teenagers comprehended the material.
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,606 Oh, sorry, that's my rusty trombone.
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,899 [chuckles] I meant that.
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,775 Can't we just be emancipated from school
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,985 {\an8}like tennis prodigies?
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,070 {\an8}I wish. How good's your game?
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,031 - [Yumyulack grunting] - [ball popping]
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,033 [Yumyulack groaning]
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,743 {\an8}You're impressive on clay,
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,578 {\an8}but your grass game falls to shit.
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288 {\an8}It's a no-go on the emancipation.
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,664 {\an8}What a proclamation!
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:27,832 {\an8}Part of Sex Ed is learning
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,460 {\an8}that your actions have, oh, consequences.
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,420 {\an8}Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,048 {\an8}So, you two have to take care of this bag of sugar
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,717 {\an8}as if it were a baby for an entire week.
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,303 {\an8}It's conflict sugar, which I'm not proud of, but it tastes better.
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,431 {\an8}I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies that trick men into staying the night.
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,600 Pssht, that's it? Easy mode.
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,976 Could have been easy mode,
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,354 but now that you disrespected my sugar,
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,523 you also have to sci-fi it into a real baby.
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,192 But I don't want a Sugar Baby.
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:57,195 {\an8}I want a sugar daddy, or at least a sugar legal guardian.
00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,031 And it's rude to assume that just because we're aliens,
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,158 we have the technology to bring things to life.
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,994 Uh-huh. Tell it to Principal Cooke's living car.
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,788 - [car brakes squealing] - That's it, good car, good car.
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,414 - Get the carrot. Fuck! - [car thuds]
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,124 [all laughing]
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,626 Okay, that was us.
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,836 Oh, shit, it's coming back for more.
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,380 [Principal Cooke] Oh! Oh, God!
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,423 Fine, here comes the sci-fi.
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,925 [Make Alive ray zapping]
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,677 {\an8}- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [Sugar Baby cooing]
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263 - It's so cute. - Aww, hi, baby.
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,723 {\an8}You have one week to keep it alive.
00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,183 {\an8}- It can die, right? - Oh, yeah.
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,977 {\an8}Good, I mean bad.
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,561 {\an8}Don't let that happen.
00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,772 {\an8}- We have to respect life in all its forms. - [horn honking]
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,401 {\an8}[Principal Cooke] It's grinding my bones into dust.
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,403 {\an8}[♪ sensual music playing]
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,155 [Korvo and Terry moaning]
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,866 Oh, my God, I had no idea how turned on I'd get
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,702 by making out on a bed shaped like an organ.
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,328 I'm glad you talked me out of the Bahamas.
00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,579 [Korvo sighs] Nothing beats
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,915 Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Resort, eh?
00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,458 Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961 They have the best gin and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,129 [knock on door]
00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,132 Ding-dong. Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,343 But I have complimentary champagne, some big rush zip,
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,929 and a pile of Simple Simons with your name on it.
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,432 Ah, yes, I understood almost half of that.
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,516 It's drugs.
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,393 Wait a minute, complimentary zip?
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562 - When does that ever happen? - Well, it's your honeymoon.
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,980 You get all sorts of free stuff.
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,440 {\an8}What's the catch, bellman?
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,067 You ought to know, I have one hand in my pocket,
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,986 and the other one is waiting for a tip.
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,612 I've never tipped, and I never shall.
00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,197 - Get outta here! - Sweetie.
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:24,490 Ugh. Fine.
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,075 Now get outta here.
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,412 Damn, I was all wet to get married, but I had no idea
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,830 how great the honeymoon perks would be.
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,541 Yes, everyone's falling over themselves to be nice to us,
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,710 just because we've taken their monogamy oath.
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,671 Upgraded to first class, big bowl of fruit in the room.
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,965 What about all those chocolate dicks we received on arrival?
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,759 You guzzled those down. Nom, nom, nom.
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:43,843 Guilt-free dicks.
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,219 When people find out you're on your honeymoon,
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,846 it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,014 As a married husband,
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,224 I think we should enjoy this unexpected boon
00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,018 without taking it to the extreme.
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,561 Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,
00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,022 but counterpoint from an equally married husband:
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,899 Why don't we run around and stress-test this shit
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,776 so we can see how much fun stuff we can get?
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,571 - Only if we 69.5 first. - Do I have to?
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,989 [laughs] I'd love that.
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:06,074 [Korvo grunts]
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:09,869 [♪ upbeat music playing]
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,289 Hey, those are my French fries.
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,749 We're on our honeymoon.
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,001 Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,380 - [chair rattling] - Ah, help!
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,049 Someone call the mounted police.
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,259 I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.
00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,886 Enjoy your love.
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,305 - H-moon hotties here! - [gunshot]
00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,932 This is our spa day now.
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,475 But we're on our honeymoon too.
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,060 - Oh, shit! - Checkmate!
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,687 You're all entitled to a special rubbing.
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:37,980 [Korvo and Terry gasp]
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,774 Uh, oh, yeah!
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,609 Honey, you can't just shoot a gun
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,277 into the ceiling to get people's attention.
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,362 But it's my honeymoon.
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,197 Oh, shit, right, congratulations.
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:50,034 [Sugar Baby wailing]
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,412 - [Pupa growling] - Ow, Pupa!
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,455 Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,249 And can you keep that Sugar Baby quiet?
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,417 I'm trying to game here.
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,211 I carried this baby for nine whole blocks
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,546 on the way home.
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,465 The least you can do is tell me I'm doing a good job.
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,008 Oh, come on, I don't want him.
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,093 My arms are tired.
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,179 We are totally failing at being a mandatory school family.
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,889 I think it wants to feel skin to bag.
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,349 Take off your shirt.
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:16,269 Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,480 And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading those parenting subreddits.
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,315 But their judgments keep me awake at night,
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,401 which helps me stay alert for night-time feedings.
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,445 Let's just do what all reasonable parents do
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,654 when things get hard.
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,031 Distract it with screen time.
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,658 - [slap thwacks] - No screens for baby.
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:31,826 - [Sugar Baby wailing] - [Pupa screaming]
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,953 Can I get five more masseuses, three for each cheek?
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,830 On your honeymoon? Of course.
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,665 We really should have gotten married sooner.
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,333 Who knew it would be the cheat code to life?
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,418 It's great, right?
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,336 You should definitely enjoy it while it lasts.
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,504 What on earth does that mean?
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,798 - Honeymoons are only like a week? - What?!
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,886 [Terry] It's right there on Wikipedia. Honeymoons last a week.
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,430 After that, it's just traveling without any of the perks,
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,598 and our week's almost up.
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,641 But I've grown accustomed to the honey-lifestyle.
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,143 How am I supposed to go back to underwear
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,561 without newlywed cans?
00:07:58,561 --> 00:07:59,645 [cans clanking]
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,772 The honeymoon gives us a pass from being decent and careful.
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,691 I took that guy's wallet and shoved him into the pool.
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,526 He was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,777 A Detroit Tigers hat.
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,571 He's gonna kill me, Terry. He's probably from Michigan.
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,490 I don't want this week to end!
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,576 Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time, not on that scale.
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,328 [gasps] Wait, I don't have to.
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,205 If the honeymoon only lasts a week,
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,790 then I just have to extend the week.
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,585 Korvo, you've gone honey-mad. That doesn't make any sense.
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,921 This is Korvo, the blue alien in room 413.
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,007 MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse and get me a dovmecopter.
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,426 My husband and I will have one hand in our...
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,844 We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,638 [♪ suspenseful music playing]
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,934 {\an8}[♪ dramatic music playing]
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,977 {\an8}[Korvo] If we find the Progenitor ship, we'll find the answer
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,687 to extending our honeymoon week.
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,023 Ah, yes, the Progenitors. I know them well.
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,983 That's why we're here, for the Progenitors.
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,152 Nothing like a good old Progenitor, am I right?
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:51,280 Progenitors were the ancient aliens who created the solar system.
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,242 Ah, yes, the so-lar system, I know it well.
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,535 You're an alien from space.
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,370 How do you not know what a solar system is?
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,622 I'm more of a sexy, Flash Gordon-type alien.
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,957 Damn right you are.
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,041 [beeping]
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,168 Okay, a Progenitor ship should be buried right here.
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,964 - And now we dig. - Fight!
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:11,092 Right, yes, of course. Diggity dig.
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:15,096 - [pickaxes thudding] - [Korvo and Terry grunting]
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,139 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:18,224 [Korvo] Beautiful.
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,559 A piece of ancient history,
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,520 undisturbed since the dawn of time, untouched by...
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,771 - [scraping] - Terry!
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,773 Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:27,984 [door whirring]
00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:29,944 [door thuds]
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:33,573 - [♪ suspenseful music playing] - [both gasp]
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,157 These primordial geniuses
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,243 really knew how to design a control room.
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,579 Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,998 Oh, look, these two died fucking.
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,583 [signal beeping]
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,836 This species ignited the sun and set the orbit of the Earth.
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,380 And they still had time to be sexy freaks. Impressive.
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,464 - [Terry grunts] - [skeletons clatter]
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:53,926 They locked the orbit into 52 weeks to complete a full solar revolution.
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,721 But if we increase the circumference of the orbit
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,222 a little larger...
00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,932 Can't spell circumference without cum!
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,852 ...then each of the 52 weeks will have to be a day longer.
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,855 Which means our honeymoon week is longer.
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,857 Terry, I love it when you understand what I'm saying.
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:08,941 It hurt my brain.
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,651 Now, let's get out of this dusty sex tomb
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,902 and go get more free stuff.
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,530 [Korvo and Terry] Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:18,826 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:23,456 - [sighs] - [phone ringing]
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,166 - [phone clicks] - Hello?
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,669 Madam President! I've never had to answer this phone, but-- what?
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,920 The whole orbit?
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,300 Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in a new day called, uh, Blurgday
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,468 right at the end there.
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,554 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,059 I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your appointment is on Saturday.
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,685 It's still Blurgday.
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,604 It's too bad you're checking out.
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940 You never got to do our VIP swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,275 [both gasp]
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,319 [signal beeping]
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,655 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,491 Looks like a couple more days were added to the week.
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,743 So, would you like to swim with the regular belugas
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,079 or horny belugas with the French maid hats?
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,330 We'll take both.
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,375 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,876 [air whooshing]
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:11,545 [Korvo and Terry moaning]
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,630 Are you done honeymooning?
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,507 Hell no, give me more days.
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,343 [signal beeps]
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,845 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,725 - [glass tinkling] - [Sugar Baby wailing]
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,519 How is this week so long?
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,021 I don't know, but I'm so tired.
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,314 - [glass shatters] - [Sugar Baby wailing]
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:33,359 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,779 [fire crackling]
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:40,282 Brr. Consequences build as the week mysteriously extends.
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,702 {\an8}TGIFridays closed their doors for good,
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,496 {\an8}and <i>SNL</i> fans have been forced to watch reruns
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,416 {\an8}to get their fix of overplayed, first-act sketches
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,167 {\an8}that beat non-jokes into the ground.
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,252 {\an8}Brr!
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,629 <i>As the Earth's orbit moves away from the sun,</i>
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,339 <i>temperatures continue to drop.</i>
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,882 - [Sugar Baby thuds] - [TV shatters]
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,635 Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:00,720 - [bowl thudding] - [Sugar Baby babbling]
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,179 It's been, like, 50 days!
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,597 I can't do this anymore!
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,809 It's all your fault for bringing the Make Alive ray to school.
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,893 Don't blame me.
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,395 Whatever sci-fi shit is happening
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,313 is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:12,565 We gotta make them stop.
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650 We can't interrupt their honeymoon.
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737 Can we please give Sugar Baby screen time?
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,405 It'll give us peace.
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,490 But I've been such a good parent.
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,784 This week is too long. Look at Pupa.
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,370 He's a supercomputer, and even he can't win.
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,706 He's been trying to throw JK Sevens out for days,
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,624 no one's picking up the trash.
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:31,876 [Sugar Baby wailing]
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003 - [door thudding] - Ahh!
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,380 It feels like we're never gonna get to Monday!
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,673 We're co-parents.
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,300 We have to give up on this together.
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,261 Ugh, fine, but can we please let Sugar Baby
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,806 watch something sweet and chill and mildly educational?
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,308 How about <i>The Great British Bake Off?</i>
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,227 Those snaggle-toothed colonizers could dull anyone to sleep.
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,812 Okay, but only <i>Bake Off.</i>
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,440 I don't want him getting coked up on that flipping <i>Blippi.</i>
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,526 [narrator] [on phone] <i>This week, we're making a single pancake.</i>
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:59,904 - [Sugar Baby cooing] - [Jesse and Yumyulack sigh]
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,491 And I think we'll have the head-over-beet salad.
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,701 What the-- Oh, right, the Alanis Morissette thing.
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828 And... choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo,
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,665 a side of this-album-is-about Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,250 Hello? I said I want the squash.
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,335 - [ice crinkling] - [♪ suspenseful music playing]
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,130 Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,592 {\an8}Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet a little far from the sun.
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219 But that's not so bad, right?
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,804 No, we should be fine, as long as we don't...
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,014 - [Korvo gasps] - [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,475 Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,060 On our honeymoon!
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,731 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:36,816 Maybe we're gonna miss it!
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,692 Its gravitational pull is already affecting us.
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,236 We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,154 and now the planet is going to pay the price.
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:43,572 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,076 [Terry screams]
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,162 - [door clicks] - Ahh!
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,164 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,586 Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have a quick minute for a survey?
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:58,838 [Terry and Korvo scream]
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,047 How did we let it get so bad?
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,383 I mean, I know how I did, but you're the smart one, Korvo.
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,593 I know, but the danger of changing the orbit
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,345 was better than something I'd read on Wikipedia
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,805 that scared the gooblers out of me.
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,474 Oh, God. What did you read about, Chupacabras, ee-ee?
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,434 There's a common phrase people use,
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,811 "The honeymoon is over."
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,937 What does that mean?
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,605 It's what people say about nasty couples
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,357 who've been married for a while and hate each other.
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,151 They start to see the ugly parts of their spouses they can't un-see.
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,863 That's why the divorce rate is like 4.5 out of 5.
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,989 So we make a promise.
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,448 Divorce is a forbidden D word.
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,451 Like how Disney Plus won't let us say "Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,453 or how Dopey is the only dwarf that [bleep].
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,913 I never want to resent you,
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,206 not more than I currently do.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,041 Korvo, if we can fuck with the Earth's orbit,
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,835 we can fuck with marriage statistics.
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,837 Honey, I am here for the tough times.
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,172 - I want to see your ugly parts. - I do too.
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,258 Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,011 warm the planet back to the previous catastrophic temperature,
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,597 and end this honeymoon on our terms.
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,348 That's my hot-ass husband right there.
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:54,310 And every year, we can celebrate our anniversary right here.
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,477 [pickax thudding]
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:57,938 [♪ classical music playing]
00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,649 [air whooshing]
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,736 [rumbling]
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,033 ♪
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:10,200 [♪ classical music playing]
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,410 [Yumyulack yawns]
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,579 Good thing Korvo equipped the house with its own artificial gravity
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497 after Terry kept throwing his jugs on the roof.
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:16,582 [window thudding]
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,042 [distorted beeping]
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,836 [♪ classical music continues]
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:23,005 - [Sugar Baby screams] - Ow, he cut me.
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,215 What the heck is wrong with you?
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,635 [gasps] It's the baking show.
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,802 Look what they're using.
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,721 [gasps] While we've been resting,
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,016 Sugar Baby was watching them destroy his friends and family.
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,225 [both] Ah!
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,144 That little freak's on a murder mission.
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,146 He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:43,108 She must have killed all his friends with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,028 We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie or we'll never pass Sex Ed.
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,571 Activate magnet shoes.
00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:48,864 [shoes beeping]
00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,366 [shoes clomping]
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,700 How do these work on cement?
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,826 Shut up, nerd.
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,996 [Pupa grunting]
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,415 Ah! No!
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,130 [♪ heroic music playing]
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:06,924 [beeping]
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,509 Harry Potter whistle!
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,845 - Aw, friends. - [JK Sevens beeping]
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:17,309 [Terry and Korvo grunting]
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,687 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,355 Oh, what the hell? It's stuck.
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,523 We're gonna have to do it manually.
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,651 There are 10 switches around the room we must engage at the same time.
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,820 Love, love, love, love. I got mine.
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,906 That's eight. Come on, Terry, we just need two more.
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:33,701 [rumbling]
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,661 How the hell are we supposed to reach the last two?
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:38,080 Oh, God. We're gonna have to spread our flaps
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,373 and use our shmelk holes.
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,960 What? I've never shown anyone my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,295 I haven't either, but we don't have a choice.
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,714 But mine's so ugly.
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,173 You're not gonna think I'm sexy.
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,259 This is what I read about on Wikipedia, Terry.
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,428 We're gonna see the ugly parts of each other,
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,804 and we'll be okay.
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,432 - I don't know. - Terry, I love all of you.
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,142 Uh, okay, fine.
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,728 [Terry groaning]
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,438 [limb rustling]
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:03,939 [Terry groans]
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,192 Oh, God, oh, fuck, it smells like, like...
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,861 I can't be clever on-the-fly like Deadpool.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,945 It stinks, okay?
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,739 Hey, th-th-that's normal.
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,699 I showed you mine, it's your turn now.
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,783 Okay.
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,493 - [Korvo groaning] - [limb rustling]
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,162 [Terry] What the fuck?
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,247 It's beautiful. That's not fair.
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,332 - It's gross, don't look. - No, it is not.
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,834 Why does yours smell like cinnamon?
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,627 I want it in my mouth.
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,629 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,256 [limb thuds]
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,009 [machinery powers on]
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,595 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:37,848 [limbs slurping]
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,353 Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,439 Yes, but we also returned climate change.
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,233 Oh, the polar bears are not gonna be okay.
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,779 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,363 {\an8}- [screaming] - [buildings thudding]
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,990 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,658 Typical sci-fi reset.
00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,743 Oh, my baby.
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,079 [Sugar Baby growls] [♪ suspenseful music playing]
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,498 Apologies to my subscribers for the late post.
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,876 The gravity chaos fucked up my other, other, other job.
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,004 ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,964 Charizard,
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:14,343 Squirtle, Jigglypuff.
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,512 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,679 Ah!
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,556 - [Sugar Baby growls] - Ahh!
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,184 - [Sugar Baby growling] - Ow, that really hurts.
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,061 I regret being helpful.
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,563 - [glass shatters] - Oh, no!
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,273 What the hell is going on?
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,567 We, we lost our Sugar Baby.
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,860 Go ahead and fail us.
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,862 Did you spend wakeless days caring for something
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,156 that exhausted you, didn't listen, and eventually ran away
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:37,658 to pursue something you didn't approve of?
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,369 You betcha with a capital B, Ms. Frankie.
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,162 Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,873 Congrats, you experienced true parenting, you passed.
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,333 Sugar Baby is still out there.
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,210 I'm worried he's gonna do a murder on you.
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,338 Nah, without us, I'm sure he'll get licked to death by a horse.
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:52,422 He'll be fine.
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,591 [narrator] <i>Today, on</i> The Great British Bake Off.
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,301 Everyone, grab your sugar.
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,012 - [Sugar Baby growling] - [host screaming]
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,223 [♪ gentle music playing]
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,684 Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,644 - Am I important? - We did the right thing.
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,604 We have all we need to feel special,
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,731 us, the team family,
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,192 and this goddamned heart-shaped bed.
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,318 [lips smacking]
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,696 [♪ gentle music playing]
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,031 [Terry] You wanna blow out my back and break this bed in half?
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,075 [Korvo] This heart shape is too small!
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:23,162 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,773 ♪
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,038 [mimicking laser fire]

Скриншоты

Бесконечная история медового месяца — скриншот 1

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