Бесконечная история медового месяца

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Глянь на кожу.

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Потрескалась из-за сухости воздуха,

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глобального потепления

и моего пристрастия к фену.

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Корви, детка, я не согласен.

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Люблю Землю. Я скучал по раскладыванию

футболок по разным стопочкам.

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Эй, пришельцы! Не подсобите?

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Это не сосед орёт, как чёртово животное?

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Кто?

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Корво, завязывай с феном.

У тебя нет волос, ты прожигаешь в голове дырку,

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и весь дом пахнет как брокколи.

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Получал почту, пока вас не было.

Хренова гора посылок.

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Гляжу, вы совсем на онлайн-шопинг подсели.

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О, коробочки по подписке.

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Люблю, когда решение о покупке принимают за меня.

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Знаю, что вы, голубки, только поженились,

так что медовый месяц будет улёт, да?

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Ну не. Не хочу жрать это сладкое говно целый месяц.

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И я.

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Да ладно.

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Вы же знаете, что такое медовый месяц?

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Что? Конечно знаем!

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Что ты несёшь? Да обоссысь ты до смерти, Кевин.

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Конечно, мы знаем,

что такое сраный медовый месяц.

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Википедия говорит, что медовый месяц —

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это непрерывный отпуск молодожёнов

сразу после свадьбы.

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Обязательный секс-отпуск? Едем прям сейчас.

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Ты прав.

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Забронирую номер на лучшем курорте Канады,

самой сексуальной страны.

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Упакуй вещи, которые мы не будем носить,

и книги, которые не будем читать.

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Принято!

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Не подбросите до ТЦ?

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В «Ошкош Би'гош» устроили распродажу галош.

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Мы собираемся провести время наедине,

и прерываться нельзя.

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Я играл в софтбол и подал мяч слишком быстро.

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Сорян, не могу помочь,

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половина солнечных противоположностей

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сваливает на медовый месяц.

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Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной,

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пока на неё не грохнулся астероид.

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Сотне взрослых особей и их репликантам

выдали по пупе и отправили в космос,

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на поиски необитаемого мира, нашего нового дома.

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Мы рухнули на Землю, планету, кишащую людьми.

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Да-да, это мой голос.

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Я держу Пупу, меня зовут Корво. Это мой сериал,

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я уронил Пупу, видите?

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Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю!

Отстойная планета! Люди тупые и странные.

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Они едят сыр с плесенью,

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но, когда я соскребаю плесень с ног в кинотеатре,

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все начинают кричать, что это отвратительно.

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СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ

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ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА

ПРОДАЁТСЯ. 38 КОМНАТ, 6 ТУАЛЕТОВ

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Итак, сразу к делу. Нужно на вторую работу:

стоять перед беспилотными тачками,

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чтобы выяснить, видят ли они людей.

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За это платят? Это реально работа?

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Конечно. А теперь заткнитесь.

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Из-за отсутствия на планете

вы оба завалили половое воспитание.

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Не уверена, что нам нужно

изучать секс, мисс Фрэнки.

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Да, мы размножаемся бесполым путём,

без болтающихся органов.

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У нас есть такие штуки, шмелкуны,

уникальные у каждого.

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Тихо! Моя зарплата зависит

от вашей успеваемости.

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Так что не сдадите — клянусь, оставлю на второй год.

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Нет!

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Мы не можем тусить с малявками.

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Они капец какие пугающие.

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Эти сучки выросли на «Эйфории».

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Мы что угодно сделаем.

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Хорошо. Ещё мы делали порнодиорамы,

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чтобы убедиться, что вы,

тупые подростки, всё усвоили.

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Сорян, это мой ржавый тромбон.

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Я об этом.

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А нельзя нас освободить от школы,

как одарённых теннисистов?

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Хотелось бы. А ты хорош?

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На грунте ты крутой, но на газоне отстой.

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Так что никакого освобождения.

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Грустное заявление.

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Половое воспитание учит,

что у действий есть последствия.

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Потрахушки плохо заканчиваются.

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Вы двое должны заботиться об этом мешке сахара,

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как о настоящем ребёнке, целую неделю.

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Тростниковый, позор, но такой гораздо вкуснее.

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Я добавляю его в домашнее печенье,

чтобы мужики оставались на ночь.

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Пф, и всё? Легкотня.

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Могла быть легкотня,

но раз вы проявили неуважение к моему сахару,

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вам придется превратить его

в настоящего малыша.

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Но мне не нужен нахлебник.

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Мне самой нужен богатый папик, а не наоборот.

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Грубо предполагать, что раз мы пришельцы,

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у нас есть технологии, оживляющие вещи.

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Ага. Скажи это ожившей машине директора Кука.

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Вот так, хорошая машинка, хорошая.

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Держи морковку! Чёрт!

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Ладно, это были мы.

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Ой дерьмо, она ещё хочет.

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Нет! О боже!

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Ладно, давай, погнали.

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- Какой милашка.

- Привет, малыш.

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У вас неделя, следите, чтобы он не сдох.

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Он может сдохнуть?

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Ага.

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Хорошо. То есть нет.

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Этого не должно произойти.

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Мы должны уважать жизнь во всех формах.

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Она меня в пыль сотрёт!

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ЛУЧШИЙ КУРОРТ КАНАДЫ, СОРЯН

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Боже, не думал, что целоваться на кровати

в виде органа — это так возбуждающе.

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Хорошо, что ты отговорил меня от Багам.

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Нет ничего лучше

курорта Аланис Мориссетт, верно?

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Канадский Reddit растрезвонил.

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У них лучший джин тоник в районе.

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Тук-тук, не хочу вас прерывать, голубки,

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но у меня для вас бесплатное шампанское,

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пакетик белого порошочка

и стопка из Simple Simons.

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Да, я понял почти половину того, что ты сказал.

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Наркотики.

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Подождите-ка, халявный пакетик?

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С чего это вдруг?

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У вас же медовый месяц. Вам положены подарки.

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В чём подвох, швейцар?

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Будто не знаете. Одна моя рука

в кармане, а другая ждёт чаевые.

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Не давал чаевые и не буду! Убирайся!

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Малыш.

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Ладно.

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А теперь убирайся.

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Чёрт, я, конечно, хотел замуж, но не знал,

что в медовом месяце столько плюшек.

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Все из кожи вон лезут, чтобы угодить

просто потому, что мы поклялись в моногамии.

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Посадили в первый класс, ваза фруктов в номере.

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А эти шоколадные члены, вручённые по прибытии?

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Ты мигом их заглотил: ням-ням-ням.

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Ну а то. Люди узнают, что у тебя медовый месяц,

и дают тебе самую лучшую херню.

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Я считаю, что нам следует наслаждаться

неожиданной благодатью, но не перегибать.

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Я услышал, но, как твой муж, хочу не согласиться.

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Может оторвёмся на всю катушку

и проверим, сколько бесплатного получим?

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Только после позы 69.5.

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Может не надо?

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С радостью.

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Эй, это моя картошка!

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У нас медовый месяц.

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О, пришлю вам трюфельного масла.

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Помогите! Кто-нибудь, вызовите конную полицию.

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У меня медовый месяц, старая сучка.

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Наслаждайтесь друг другом!

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Отдыхающие тут!

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Теперь это наше СПА!

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Но у нас тоже медовый месяц.

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Дерьмо!

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Шах и мат.

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Вам всем положен особый массаж.

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Да, о да.

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Милый, нельзя стрелять в потолок,

чтобы привлечь внимание людей.

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Но у меня медовый месяц.

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Ой, да, точно, поздравляю.

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Ой, Пупа!

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Лупи Джей-Кей Севенса в другом месте.

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И можешь успокоить

сахарного малыша? Я играть пытаюсь.

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Я носила его под сердцем целых девять кварталов.

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Хотя бы скажи мне, что я справляюсь.

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Не хочу, забери его.

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Руки устали.

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Как вынужденные родители,

мы облажались по полной.

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Кажется, ему нужен телесный контакт.

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Снимай футболку.

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Пупа, Джей-Кей, убирайтесь отсюда.

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Джесси, прекращай читать мамские форумы.

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Но их осуждение не даёт мне спать ночами

и помогает с графиком кормления.

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Давай поступим как любые разумные родители

в сложной ситуации. Отвлечём его теликом.

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Никакого телика!

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Хочу ещё массажистов. По три на ягодицу.

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В медовый месяц? Конечно.

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Стоило пожениться гораздо раньше.

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Кто ж знал, что в жизни есть чит-коды?

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Классно, правда? Наслаждайтесь, пока можете.

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Что это значит?

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Ну он длится примерно неделю.

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Чего?!

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Вот же, в Википедии. Медовый месяц длится неделю.

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А потом просто путешествуют,

без всех этих плюшек.

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Наша неделя на исходе.

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Но я привык к этой медовой жизни.

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Как снова привыкнуть к белью

без консервных банок?

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МОЛОДОЖЁНЫ

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Медовый месяц даёт право быть беззаботными.

00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,830

Я тут мужика столкнул в бассейн.

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На нём была кепка «Детройт Тайгерс».

00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:06,800

«Детройт Тайгерс».

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Он меня убьёт. Он наверно из Мичигана.

00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,490

Не хочу, чтобы неделя кончалась.

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И я не хочу, но я не могу

контролировать время в таких масштабах.

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Погоди, а это и не нужно.

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Если медовый месяц длится неделю,

то нужно просто её продлить.

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Корво, ты с ума сошел. Несёшь бессмыслицу.

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Это Корво, синий пришелец из номера 413.

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Вытащите свой палец из задницы

и достаньте мне вертолёт.

00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:30,430

У нас с мужем одна рука будет в...

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Позаимствуем его на вечер.

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ГДЕ-ТО В АНТАРКТИКЕ

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Если найдём корабль прародителей,

то узнаем, как продлить медовый месяц.

00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:44,020

Точно, прародители, хорошо их знаю.

00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:45,980

Поэтому мы здесь, ради прародителей.

00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:48,240

Нет ничего лучше прародителей, верно?

00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:51,280

Они древние пришельцы,

создавшие Солнечную систему.

00:08:51,290 --> 00:08:54,240

Точно, Солнечную систему. Знаю такую.

00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:55,540

Ты — пришелец из космоса.

00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:57,370

Как можно про неё не знать?

00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:59,720

Секси пришелец как фильмах про Флэша Гордона.

00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:01,350

Да, ты секси.

00:09:02,050 --> 00:09:04,910

Корабль прародителей должен быть где-то здесь.

00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:08,530

- А теперь копаем.

- Атакуем!

00:09:08,770 --> 00:09:11,720

Да, точно, конечно. Копаем-копаем.

00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,360

Красота.

00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:23,120

Часть древней истории,

покоящаяся с начала времен, нетронутая...

00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,330

Терри!

00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:26,120

Испортил мой вандализм.

00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,420

А эти первобытные гении умели строить

кабины управления.

00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:39,580

Выкуси, Мари Кондо!

00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:42,720

Ты глянь, эти двое сдохли, трахаясь.

00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:46,880

Их вид разжёг Солнце и определил орбиту Земли.

00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:50,120

И они были сексуальными чудиками. Впечатляет.

00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,000

Один оборот вокруг Солнца занимает 52 недели.

00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:58,220

Но если мы самую малость увеличим диаметр...

00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,930

А диаметр очень важен!

00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:02,850

То каждая из 52 недель будет на день длиннее.

00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:05,860

Так мы продлим наш медовый месяц.

00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:07,860

Обожаю, когда ты понимаешь, что я говорю.

00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:08,940

Мозг разболелся.

00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:11,900

А теперь валим из этой пыльной секс-пещеры,

бесплатности ждут.

00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:14,530

Медовый месяц, хе-хе-хе!

00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:20,140

КАЛЕНДАРИ ОТ МАРИ

МЫ ДЕЛАЕМ ВСЕ КАЛЕНДАРИ

00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,540

КАЛЕНДАРНЫЕ ЧП

00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:25,170

Алло?

00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:28,010

Мадам Президент? Вы никогда не звонили по этому...

00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:28,670

Что?

00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:29,920

Вся орбита?

00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:30,720

Хорошо, ладно.

00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:34,380

Просто добавим ещё один день

и назовём... блюргдверг.

00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:35,480

Вот тут в конце.

00:10:35,490 --> 00:10:38,530

БЛЮРГДВЕРГ

00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,030

ЛУЧШИЙ КУРОРТ КАНАДЫ, СОРЯН

00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:43,060

Извините, мэм, вы записаны на субботу.

00:10:43,070 --> 00:10:45,150

Сегодня ещё блюргдверг.

00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,760

Как жаль, что вы уже выселяетесь.

00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:50,750

Вам не удалось поплавать с белугами

в рамках VIP программы.

00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:55,660

ГЛОППЕРДА

00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:58,640

Кажется, в неделе появились ещё два дня.

00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:03,240

Итак, будете плавать с обычными белугами

или с озабоченными в чепчиках?

00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:04,330

Со всеми.

00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,430

ПЛОППЕРДНИЦА

00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:12,710

Не надоело отдыхать?

00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,010

Нет, нужно больше дней!

00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:20,860

ПЛИПЕЛЬНИК, ФЛИМДА, ЧАППВЕРГ

00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,330

ОТЕЦ-МОЛОДЕЦ

00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,600

Почему неделя такая длинная?

00:11:26,610 --> 00:11:29,730

Не знаю, но я очень устала.

00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:33,420

ЯПНИЦА

00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:36,460

КОНЕЦ НАСТАЛ!

00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:40,280

Неделя загадочно удлинилась,

и не без последствий.

00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:42,700

TGI Fridays навсегда закрылись,

00:11:42,710 --> 00:11:45,500

а фанатам Saturday Night приходится

смотреть повторы,

00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:50,170

чтобы получить дозу наигранных роликов,

не выдерживающих никакой критики.

00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:51,410

СТРАННАЯ ПОГОДА ОЗНАМЕНОВАЛА КОНЕЦ СВЕТА

00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:55,870

Земля продолжает отдаляться

от Солнца, и температура падает.

00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,640

Сахарный малыш, нет, плохой малыш.

00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:03,440

Прошло уже дней 50! Я больше не могу.

00:12:03,450 --> 00:12:07,000

А нечего было приносить оживляющий луч в школу.

00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:07,900

Не вини меня.

00:12:07,910 --> 00:12:11,520

Уверен, что это Терри и Корво нашаманили.

00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:12,680

Нужно их остановить.

00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,080

Нельзя прерывать медовый месяц.

00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:17,740

Пожалуйста, давай включим ему телик.

00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:19,410

Хоть отдохнём.

00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:21,490

Но я хороший родитель!

00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,790

Неделя была длинная. Посмотри на Пeпу.

00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,370

Он — суперкомпьютер, но тоже не справляется.

00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:31,280

Он пытается избавиться

от Джей-Кей Севенса, но никто не вывозит мусор.

00:12:34,010 --> 00:12:36,620

Кажется, что понедельник никогда не наступит.

00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,910

Мы — родители. Давай сдадимся вместе.

00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,630

Ладно, но пусть сахарный малыш смотрит

00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,810

что-нибудь милое, доброе

и хоть немного образовательное.

00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:50,230

Может «Лучший пекарь Британии»?

Эти кривозубые колонизаторы любого усыпят.

00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,810

Ладно, но только это.

00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:54,790

Не хочу, чтобы он подсел на гаджеты.

00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:58,220

На этой неделе мы будем печь блинчики.

00:13:00,110 --> 00:13:03,560

Нам, пожалуйста, свекольный салат...

00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:05,700

Что? А, фишечка Аланис Мориссетт.

00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,830

И... так-так-так...

00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:11,820

А на гарнир... пусть будет желудёвая тыква.

00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:14,000

Эй? Говорю, что хочу тыкву.

00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:16,240

Корво?

00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,580

Почему все замёрзли?

00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,590

Возможно, мы отдалили планету

слишком далеко от Солнца.

00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,220

Не так это и плохо? Да?

00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:25,520

Всё будет хорошо, если мы не...

00:13:27,030 --> 00:13:29,480

Чёрт возьми, мы врежемся в Марс!

00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:31,480

В медовый месяц!

00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:36,820

Может пронесёт?

00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:38,690

Его гравитационное поле уже нас притягивает.

00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:42,850

Мы слишком далеко от Солнца

и планета за это заплатит.

00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:58,130

Надеюсь, вам всё понравилось.

Есть минутка на опрос?

00:13:58,850 --> 00:14:00,050

Как мы это допустили?

00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,380

Со мной всё ясно, но ты же умный, Корво.

00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:07,810

Знаю, но кое-что в Википедии напугало меня

сильнее, чем последствия изменения орбиты.

00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,620

Боже! Ты что, читал про чупакабру? Фу!

00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:13,810

Есть распространённая фраза —

«медовый месяц окончен».

00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:14,940

Что это значит?

00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:18,500

Так говорят о мерзких парах,

которые давно женаты и ненавидят друг друга.

00:14:18,510 --> 00:14:21,150

Они увидели уродливые стороны своих супругов.

00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,860

Поэтому 90% разводятся.

00:14:23,870 --> 00:14:26,540

Давай договоримся, развод — это запретное слово.

00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:29,500

Как Disney Plus запрещает говорить,

что Дональд... сраный...

00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:31,460

Или что гном Простачок — единственный...

00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:34,280

Не хочу тебя ненавидеть сильнее, чем сейчас.

00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,840

Если мы можем изменить орбиту Земли,

то и статистику разводов изменим.

00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,840

Дорогой, я готов к трудностям.

00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:41,420

Хочу увидеть твои плохие стороны.

00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:42,170

И я хочу.

00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:47,010

Давай вернём Землю на прежнюю орбиту,

разогреем до катастрофической температуры

00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,600

и закончим наш медовый месяц красиво.

00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:51,350

Это мой горячий муженёк!

00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,310

И каждый год можем отмечать годовщину здесь.

00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:13,590

Хорошо, что Корво установил

искусственную гравитацию

00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,320

после того, как Терри закинул титьки на крышу.

00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:25,220

- Он меня поранил!

- Да что с тобой не так?

00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:29,360

Это кулинарное шоу. Смотри, что они используют.

00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:30,720

Пока мы отдыхали,

00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:34,760

малыш смотрел, как уничтожают его семью и друзей.

00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:37,300

Мелкий говнюк серьёзно настроен.

00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:39,260

Он был особенным сахаром миссис Фрэнки.

00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:43,110

Она наверно убила всех его друзей

ради своих печенек для интрижек.

00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,030

Если он убьёт мисс Фрэнки,

мы не сдадим половое воспитание.

00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,490

Активировать магнитные ботинки!

00:15:50,380 --> 00:15:52,830

- Как они работают на бетоне?

- Заткнись, зануда!

00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:58,420

О... нет!

00:16:07,150 --> 00:16:09,160

Свисток с Хогвартсом!

00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,460

Дружочек!

00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,520

Какого хрена? Она застряла!

Придётся делать всё вручную.

00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:25,880

В комнате десять кнопок,

и нужно нажать их одновременно.

00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:27,820

Бегу, бегу, бегу... Готово.

00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,610

Это восемь, Терри. Нужно ещё две.

00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:35,660

Но как нам достать до оставшихся кнопок?

00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:39,660

О боже. Придётся расправить захлопки

и использовать наши шмелкуны.

00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:43,190

Что? Никогда не показывал никому

свою шмелкуну. Это отвратительно.

00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,300

Я тоже, но у нас нет выбора.

00:16:45,310 --> 00:16:46,720

Но моя уродская.

00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:48,180

Ты решишь, что я не сексуальный.

00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:50,260

Вот что говорит Википедия, Терри.

00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,960

Мы увидим уродливые стороны

друг друга, и всё будет хорошо.

00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:55,060

Ну не знаю.

00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:56,820

Терри, я люблю всего тебя.

00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,740

Ладно, хорошо.

00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:07,190

Ух, жуть, кошмар, воняет как...

00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,980

Не могу шутить на лету, как Дедпул.

00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:09,950

Воняет, ясно?

00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,740

Эй, это нормально.

00:17:11,750 --> 00:17:13,700

Я свою показал, теперь твоя очередь.

00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:14,790

Ладно.

00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:18,160

Какого хрена?

00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:20,250

Красивая. Нечестно.

00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:22,330

- Мерзко, не смотри.

- Это не так.

00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:23,840

Почему твоя пахнет корицей?

00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:26,160

Засунь мне её в рот.

00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,570

Глянь, с мишками всё будет хорошо.

00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:45,680

Да, но мы вернули и глобальное потепление.

00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:48,240

С мишками не всё будет хорошо.

00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,840

ПЯТНИЦА

00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:56,660

Типичная перезагрузка.

00:17:56,670 --> 00:17:58,320

Смотри, мой малыш.

00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:02,610

Извиняюсь за запоздалый пост.

00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:06,000

Хаос с гравитацией помешал другой моей работе.

00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:09,010

ASMR с сексуальными именами покемонов.

00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:14,340

Чаризард, Сквиртл, Джигглипафф.

00:18:21,030 --> 00:18:22,190

Больно!

00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,610

Зря я помогал.

00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:26,570

О нет!

00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,280

Что, чёрт возьми, происходит?

00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:30,700

Мы потеряли нашего сахарного малыша.

00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,250

Можете ставить неуд.

00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:35,240

Вы убили кучу времени на кого-то, кто не слушался,

00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,660

и в конце концов свалил

заниматься чёрт знает чем?

00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,370

Вы правы с большой буквы П, мисс Фрэнки.

00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:42,430

А ещё он у меня 20 баксов спёр.

00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,880

Поздравляю, вы сдали тест на родительство.

00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,210

Но сахарный малыш сбежал.

Переживаю, вдруг он вас укокошит.

00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:51,470

Не, без нас его просто сожрёт какая-нибудь лошадь.

00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,420

Всё норм.

00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:54,590

Сегодня в «Лучшем пекаре Британии»...

00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,660

Итак, возьмите сахар.

00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,690

Корви, у меня ломка по важности.

00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:04,560

Я важный?

00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:05,650

Мы поступили правильно.

00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:09,290

Чтобы почувствовать себя особенными,

нам достаточно друг друга

00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,190

и этой кровати в форме сердечка.

00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:18,030

Хочешь трахнуть меня и разломать кровать?

00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,950

Это сердечко слишком маленькое!

00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:25,950

Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,262

to come back to this

broke-ass planet?

00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,346

Look at my skin.

00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,807

It's cracking from all the dryness,

the air, the climate change,

00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,559

my addiction

to blow-drying my scalp.

00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,936

Korvy, baby, hard disagree.

00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:23,356

{\an8}I love Earth. I missed organizing

all my T-shirts into loose categories.

00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,941

{\an8}Hey, aliens! A little help?

00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,152

Is that our neighbor yelling at us

like a goddamn animal?

00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,236

Who?

00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,321

Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.

00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,240

You got no hair,

you're burning a hole in your head,

00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,742

and you're making

the house smell like broccoli.

00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,162

I got your mail

while you were on vacay.

00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,538

Shit-ton of packages.

00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332

You guys really lean

into that "buy now" button.

00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,585

Ooh, my subscription boxes.

00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,295

I love the thrill

of having someone else make

00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,504

my purchasing decisions.

00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,256

I know you lovebirds

just got married,

00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,009

so I'm thinking

super fancy honeymoon, huh?

00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,345

Yeah, right. I would never be caught

on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.

00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,680

- Me neither.

- Come on.

00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,099

You guys know what

a honeymoon is, right?

00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,143

- What? Of course, we do.

- How dare you!

00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,270

Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!

00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,647

If there's anything we know,

it's what a bloody honeymoon is.

00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,775

According to Wikipedia,

a honeymoon is

00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,445

an uninterrupted newlywed vacation

taken immediately after the wedding.

00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,197

We're late for

our mandatory sex vacay?

00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656

We gotta leave right now.

00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,743

You're right. I'll book us a room

at the nicest resort in Canada,

00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,078

the sexiest of all countries.

00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,913

Quick, pack several things

we won't end up wearing

00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,539

and some heavy books

we won't end up reading.

00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,624

On it.

00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,917

Can someone drop me off

at the mall?

00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,878

OshKosh B'Gosh is having

a sale on all their galoshes.

00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630

We're doing special

husbands-only time,

00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,381

and Wikipedia says

we can't be interrupted.

00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,176

I tried playing softball,

00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,845

and I underhand pitched too fast.

00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:36,930

Sorry, pal, I can't help you,

00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,765

because half of

the Solar Opposites

00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,059

are goin' on a honeymoon.

00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,354

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,397

until the asteroid hit.

00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,442

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,236

and escaped into the... space,

00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,947

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,323

We crashed on Earth,

00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,659

{\an8}stranding us on an already

overpopulated planet.

00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,244

{\an8}That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,495

{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.

00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,247

{\an8}My name is Korvo.

This is my show.

00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498

{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,542

{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,169

{\an8}It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,671

{\an8}They eat cheese, which is mold,

00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,549

{\an8}but when I scrape mold off my feet

in a movie theater,

00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,135

{\an8}everyone gets all like,

"Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."

00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,852

{\an8}Alright, let's make this quick.

00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,186

{\an8}I'm late for my other job,

00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,729

{\an8}where I stand in front

of self-driving cars

00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,148

{\an8}to see if they detect humans.

00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,567

{\an8}Are you doing a bit?

Is that really a job?

00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,235

{\an8}Of course, it is.

Now shut up.

00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,780

{\an8}Due to your planetary absence,

you two are failing Sex Ed.

00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,741

{\an8}I'm not sure we need to learn

about the sex, Ms. Frankie.

00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,451

{\an8}Yeah, we reproduce asexually,

00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,287

{\an8}without any floppy human organs.

00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,705

{\an8}We have these things

called shmelk holes.

00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,165

{\an8}Each Shlorpian has a unique one.

00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,751

{\an8}Shut up! My paycheck is based

on how many students pass.

00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:49,878

{\an8}So, if you fail,

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,297

{\an8}I swear I'll make sure

you get held back a year.

00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,423

{\an8}No!

00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,841

{\an8}We can't hang with the younger kids.

00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676

{\an8}They're intimidating as hell.

00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,345

Those bitches were raised on Euphoria.

00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,471

Ah!

00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:01,681

Please, we'll do anything.

00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,350

Good.

We also made porn dioramas

00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,520

to make sure you dumbass teenagers

comprehended the material.

00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,606

Oh, sorry,

that's my rusty trombone.

00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,899

I meant that.

00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,775

Can't we just be emancipated

from school

00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,985

{\an8}like tennis prodigies?

00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,070

{\an8}I wish. How good's your game?

00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,743

{\an8}You're impressive on clay,

00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,578

{\an8}but your grass game falls to shit.

00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288

{\an8}It's a no-go on the emancipation.

00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,664

{\an8}What a proclamation!

00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:27,832

{\an8}Part of Sex Ed is learning

00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,460

{\an8}that your actions have,

oh, consequences.

00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,420

{\an8}Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.

00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,048

{\an8}So, you two have to take care

of this bag of sugar

00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,717

{\an8}as if it were a baby for an entire week.

00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,303

{\an8}It's conflict sugar, which I'm not

proud of, but it tastes better.

00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,431

{\an8}I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies

that trick men into staying the night.

00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,600

Pssht, that's it?

Easy mode.

00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,976

Could have been easy mode,

00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,354

but now that you disrespected

my sugar,

00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,523

you also have to sci-fi it

into a real baby.

00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,192

But I don't want a Sugar Baby.

00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:57,195

{\an8}I want a sugar daddy,

or at least a sugar legal guardian.

00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,031

And it's rude to assume

that just because we're aliens,

00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,158

we have the technology

to bring things to life.

00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,994

Uh-huh. Tell it

to Principal Cooke's living car.

00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,788

That's it, good car, good car.

00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,414

Get the carrot. Fuck!

00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,626

Okay, that was us.

00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,836

Oh, shit,

it's coming back for more.

00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,380

Oh! Oh, God!

00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,423

Fine, here comes the sci-fi.

00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263

- It's so cute.

- Aww, hi, baby.

00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,723

{\an8}You have one week to keep it alive.

00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,183

{\an8}- It can die, right?

- Oh, yeah.

00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,977

{\an8}Good, I mean bad.

00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,561

{\an8}Don't let that happen.

00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,772

{\an8}We have to respect life in all its forms.

00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,401

{\an8}It's grinding my bones into dust.

00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,866

Oh, my God, I had no idea

how turned on I'd get

00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,702

by making out on a bed

shaped like an organ.

00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,328

I'm glad you talked me

out of the Bahamas.

00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,579

Nothing beats

00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,915

Alanis Morissette's

Jagged Little Resort, eh?

00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,458

Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.

00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961

They have the best gin

and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.

00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,132

Ding-dong.

Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.

00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,343

But I have complimentary champagne,

some big rush zip,

00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,929

and a pile of Simple Simons

with your name on it.

00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,432

Ah, yes, I understood

almost half of that.

00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,516

It's drugs.

00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,393

Wait a minute, complimentary zip?

00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562

- When does that ever happen?

- Well, it's your honeymoon.

00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,980

You get all sorts of free stuff.

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,440

{\an8}What's the catch, bellman?

00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,067

You ought to know,

I have one hand in my pocket,

00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,986

and the other one is waiting for a tip.

00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,612

I've never tipped, and I never shall.

00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,197

- Get outta here!

- Sweetie.

00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:24,490

Ugh. Fine.

00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,075

Now get outta here.

00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,412

Damn, I was all wet to get married,

but I had no idea

00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,830

how great

the honeymoon perks would be.

00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,541

Yes, everyone's falling over themselves

to be nice to us,

00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,710

just because we've taken

their monogamy oath.

00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,671

Upgraded to first class,

big bowl of fruit in the room.

00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,965

What about all those chocolate dicks

we received on arrival?

00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,759

You guzzled those down.

Nom, nom, nom.

00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:43,843

Guilt-free dicks.

00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,219

When people find out

you're on your honeymoon,

00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,846

it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.

00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,014

As a married husband,

00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,224

I think we should enjoy

this unexpected boon

00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,018

without taking it to the extreme.

00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,561

Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,

00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,022

but counterpoint from

an equally married husband:

00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,899

Why don't we run around

and stress-test this shit

00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,776

so we can see how much

fun stuff we can get?

00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,571

- Only if we 69.5 first.

- Do I have to?

00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,989

I'd love that.

00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,289

Hey, those are my French fries.

00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,749

We're on our honeymoon.

00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,001

Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.

00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,380

Ah, help!

00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,049

Someone call the mounted police.

00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,259

I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.

00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,886

Enjoy your love.

00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,305

H-moon hotties here!

00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,932

This is our spa day now.

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,475

But we're on our honeymoon too.

00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,060

- Oh, shit!

- Checkmate!

00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,687

You're all entitled to a special rubbing.

00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,774

Uh, oh, yeah!

00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,609

Honey, you can't just shoot a gun

00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,277

into the ceiling

to get people's attention.

00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,362

But it's my honeymoon.

00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,197

Oh, shit, right, congratulations.

00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,412

Ow, Pupa!

00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,455

Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.

00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,249

And can you keep

that Sugar Baby quiet?

00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,417

I'm trying to game here.

00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,211

I carried this baby

for nine whole blocks

00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,546

on the way home.

00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,465

The least you can do is tell me

I'm doing a good job.

00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,008

Oh, come on, I don't want him.

00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,093

My arms are tired.

00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,179

We are totally failing at being

a mandatory school family.

00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,889

I think it wants to feel skin to bag.

00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,349

Take off your shirt.

00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:16,269

Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!

00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,480

And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading

those parenting subreddits.

00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,315

But their judgments

keep me awake at night,

00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,401

which helps me stay alert

for night-time feedings.

00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,445

Let's just do what all

reasonable parents do

00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,654

when things get hard.

00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,031

Distract it with screen time.

00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,658

No screens for baby.

00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,953

Can I get five more masseuses,

three for each cheek?

00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,830

On your honeymoon?

Of course.

00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,665

We really should have

gotten married sooner.

00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,333

Who knew it would be

the cheat code to life?

00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,418

It's great, right?

00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,336

You should definitely

enjoy it while it lasts.

00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,504

What on earth does that mean?

00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,798

- Honeymoons are only like a week?

- What?!

00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,886

It's right there on Wikipedia.

Honeymoons last a week.

00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,430

After that, it's just traveling

without any of the perks,

00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,598

and our week's almost up.

00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,641

But I've grown accustomed

to the honey-lifestyle.

00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,143

How am I supposed

to go back to underwear

00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,561

without newlywed cans?

00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,772

The honeymoon gives us a pass

from being decent and careful.

00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,691

I took that guy's wallet

and shoved him into the pool.

00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,526

He was wearing

a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.

00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,777

A Detroit Tigers hat.

00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,571

He's gonna kill me, Terry.

He's probably from Michigan.

00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,490

I don't want this week to end!

00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,576

Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time,

not on that scale.

00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,328

Wait, I don't have to.

00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,205

If the honeymoon only lasts a week,

00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,790

then I just have to extend the week.

00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,585

Korvo, you've gone honey-mad.

That doesn't make any sense.

00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,921

This is Korvo,

the blue alien in room 413.

00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,007

MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse

and get me a dovmecopter.

00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,426

My husband and I will have

one hand in our...

00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,844

We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.

00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,977

If we find the Progenitor ship,

we'll find the answer

00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,687

to extending our honeymoon week.

00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,023

Ah, yes, the Progenitors.

I know them well.

00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,983

That's why we're here,

for the Progenitors.

00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,152

Nothing like a good old Progenitor,

am I right?

00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:51,280

Progenitors were the ancient aliens

who created the solar system.

00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,242

Ah, yes, the so-lar system,

I know it well.

00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,535

You're an alien from space.

00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,370

How do you not know

what a solar system is?

00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,622

I'm more of a sexy,

Flash Gordon-type alien.

00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,957

Damn right you are.

00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,168

Okay, a Progenitor ship

should be buried right here.

00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,964

- And now we dig.

- Fight!

00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:11,092

Right, yes, of course.

Diggity dig.

00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:18,224

Beautiful.

00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,559

A piece of ancient history,

00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,520

undisturbed since the dawn

of time, untouched by...

00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,771

Terry!

00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,773

Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.

00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,157

These primordial geniuses

00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,243

really knew how to design

a control room.

00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,579

Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.

00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,998

Oh, look, these two died fucking.

00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,836

This species ignited the sun

and set the orbit of the Earth.

00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,380

And they still had time

to be sexy freaks. Impressive.

00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:53,926

They locked the orbit into 52 weeks

to complete a full solar revolution.

00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,721

But if we increase

the circumference of the orbit

00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,222

a little larger...

00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,932

Can't spell circumference without cum!

00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,852

...then each of the 52 weeks

will have to be a day longer.

00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,855

Which means

our honeymoon week is longer.

00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,857

Terry, I love it when you understand

what I'm saying.

00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:08,941

It hurt my brain.

00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,651

Now, let's get out

of this dusty sex tomb

00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,902

and go get more free stuff.

00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,530

Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!

00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,166

Hello?

00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,669

Madam President! I've never had to answer

this phone, but-- what?

00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,920

The whole orbit?

00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,300

Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in

a new day called, uh, Blurgday

00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,468

right at the end there.

00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,059

I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your

appointment is on Saturday.

00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,685

It's still Blurgday.

00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,604

It's too bad you're checking out.

00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940

You never got to do our VIP

swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.

00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,491

Looks like a couple more days

were added to the week.

00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,743

So, would you like to swim

with the regular belugas

00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,079

or horny belugas

with the French maid hats?

00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,330

We'll take both.

00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,630

Are you done honeymooning?

00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,507

Hell no, give me more days.

00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,519

How is this week so long?

00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,021

I don't know, but I'm so tired.

00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:40,282

Brr. Consequences build

as the week mysteriously extends.

00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,702

{\an8}TGIFridays closed their doors for good,

00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,496

{\an8}and SNL fans have been forced

to watch reruns

00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,416

{\an8}to get their fix of overplayed,

first-act sketches

00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,167

{\an8}that beat non-jokes into the ground.

00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,252

{\an8}Brr!

00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,629

As the Earth's orbit

moves away from the sun,

00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,339

temperatures continue to drop.

00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,635

Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.

00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,179

It's been, like, 50 days!

00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,597

I can't do this anymore!

00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,809

It's all your fault for bringing

the Make Alive ray to school.

00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,893

Don't blame me.

00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,395

Whatever sci-fi shit is happening

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,313

is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.

00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:12,565

We gotta make them stop.

00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650

We can't interrupt their honeymoon.

00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737

Can we please give

Sugar Baby screen time?

00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,405

It'll give us peace.

00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,490

But I've been such a good parent.

00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,784

This week is too long.

Look at Pupa.

00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,370

He's a supercomputer,

and even he can't win.

00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,706

He's been trying to throw

JK Sevens out for days,

00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,624

no one's picking up the trash.

00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003

Ahh!

00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,380

It feels like we're

never gonna get to Monday!

00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,673

We're co-parents.

00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,300

We have to give up on this together.

00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,261

Ugh, fine, but can we

please let Sugar Baby

00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,806

watch something sweet and chill

and mildly educational?

00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,308

How about

The Great British Bake Off?

00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,227

Those snaggle-toothed colonizers

could dull anyone to sleep.

00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,812

Okay, but only Bake Off.

00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,440

I don't want him getting coked up

on that flipping Blippi.

00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,526

[on phone] This week,

we're making a single pancake.

00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,491

And I think we'll have

the head-over-beet salad.

00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,701

What the-- Oh, right,

the Alanis Morissette thing.

00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828

And... choo, choo,

choo, choo, choo, choo,

00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,665

a side of this-album-is-about

Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.

00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,250

Hello? I said I want the squash.

00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,130

Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?

00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,592

{\an8}Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet

a little far from the sun.

00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219

But that's not so bad, right?

00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,804

No, we should be fine,

as long as we don't...

00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,475

Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!

00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,060

On our honeymoon!

00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:36,816

Maybe we're gonna miss it!

00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,692

Its gravitational pull

is already affecting us.

00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,236

We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,

00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,154

and now the planet is going

to pay the price.

00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,162

Ahh!

00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,586

Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have

a quick minute for a survey?

00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,047

How did we let it get so bad?

00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,383

I mean, I know how I did,

but you're the smart one, Korvo.

00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,593

I know, but the danger

of changing the orbit

00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,345

was better than something

I'd read on Wikipedia

00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,805

that scared the gooblers out of me.

00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,474

Oh, God. What did you read about,

Chupacabras, ee-ee?

00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,434

There's a common phrase people use,

00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,811

"The honeymoon is over."

00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,937

What does that mean?

00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,605

It's what people say

about nasty couples

00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,357

who've been married for a while

and hate each other.

00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,151

They start to see the ugly parts

of their spouses they can't un-see.

00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,863

That's why the divorce rate

is like 4.5 out of 5.

00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,989

So we make a promise.

00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,448

Divorce is a forbidden D word.

00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,451

Like how Disney Plus won't let us say

"Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"

00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,453

or how Dopey is

the only dwarf that [bleep].

00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,913

I never want to resent you,

00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,206

not more than I currently do.

00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,041

Korvo, if we can fuck

with the Earth's orbit,

00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,835

we can fuck

with marriage statistics.

00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,837

Honey, I am here for the tough times.

00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,172

- I want to see your ugly parts.

- I do too.

00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,258

Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,

00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,011

warm the planet back to the previous

catastrophic temperature,

00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,597

and end this honeymoon on our terms.

00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,348

That's my hot-ass husband right there.

00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:54,310

And every year, we can celebrate

our anniversary right here.

00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,579

Good thing Korvo equipped the house

with its own artificial gravity

00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497

after Terry kept throwing

his jugs on the roof.

00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:23,005

Ow, he cut me.

00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,215

What the heck is wrong with you?

00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,635

It's the baking show.

00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,802

Look what they're using.

00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,721

While we've been resting,

00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,016

Sugar Baby was watching them

destroy his friends and family.

00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,225

Ah!

00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,144

That little freak's

on a murder mission.

00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,146

He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.

00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:43,108

She must have killed all his friends

with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.

00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,028

We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie

or we'll never pass Sex Ed.

00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,571

Activate magnet shoes.

00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,700

How do these work on cement?

00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,826

Shut up, nerd.

00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,415

Ah! No!

00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,509

Harry Potter whistle!

00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,845

Aw, friends.

00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,355

Oh, what the hell?

It's stuck.

00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,523

We're gonna have to do it manually.

00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,651

There are 10 switches around the room

we must engage at the same time.

00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,820

Love, love, love, love.

I got mine.

00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,906

That's eight. Come on, Terry,

we just need two more.

00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,661

How the hell are we supposed

to reach the last two?

00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:38,080

Oh, God. We're gonna have

to spread our flaps

00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,373

and use our shmelk holes.

00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,960

What? I've never shown anyone

my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.

00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,295

I haven't either,

but we don't have a choice.

00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,714

But mine's so ugly.

00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,173

You're not gonna think I'm sexy.

00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,259

This is what I read about

on Wikipedia, Terry.

00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,428

We're gonna see the ugly parts

of each other,

00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,804

and we'll be okay.

00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,432

- I don't know.

- Terry, I love all of you.

00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,142

Uh, okay, fine.

00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,192

Oh, God, oh, fuck,

it smells like, like...

00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,861

I can't be clever on-the-fly

like Deadpool.

00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,945

It stinks, okay?

00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,739

Hey, th-th-that's normal.

00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,699

I showed you mine,

it's your turn now.

00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,783

Okay.

00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,162

What the fuck?

00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,247

It's beautiful.

That's not fair.

00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,332

- It's gross, don't look.

- No, it is not.

00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,834

Why does yours smell like cinnamon?

00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,627

I want it in my mouth.

00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,353

Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.

00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,439

Yes, but we also returned climate change.

00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,233

Oh, the polar bears

are not gonna be okay.

00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,658

Typical sci-fi reset.

00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,743

Oh, my baby.

00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,498

Apologies to my subscribers

for the late post.

00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,876

The gravity chaos fucked up

my other, other, other job.

00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,004

ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.

00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,964

Charizard,

00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:14,343

Squirtle, Jigglypuff.

00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,679

Ah!

00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,556

Ahh!

00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,184

Ow, that really hurts.

00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,061

I regret being helpful.

00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,563

Oh, no!

00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,273

What the hell is going on?

00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,567

We, we lost our Sugar Baby.

00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,860

Go ahead and fail us.

00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,862

Did you spend wakeless days

caring for something

00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,156

that exhausted you, didn't listen,

and eventually ran away

00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:37,658

to pursue something

you didn't approve of?

00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,369

You betcha with a capital B,

Ms. Frankie.

00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,162

Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.

00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,873

Congrats, you experienced

true parenting, you passed.

00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,333

Sugar Baby is still out there.

00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,210

I'm worried he's gonna do

a murder on you.

00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,338

Nah, without us, I'm sure

he'll get licked to death by a horse.

00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:52,422

He'll be fine.

00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,591

Today, on The Great British Bake Off.

00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,301

Everyone, grab your sugar.

00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,684

Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.

00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,644

- Am I important?

- We did the right thing.

00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,604

We have all we need to feel special,

00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,731

us, the team family,

00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,192

and this goddamned

heart-shaped bed.

00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,031

You wanna blow out my back

and break this bed in half?

00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,075

This heart shape is too small!

00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:06,923

♪

00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,925

[♪ gentle music playing]

00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,677

Why the F did we leave Clervix 3

00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,262

to come back to this

broke-ass planet?

00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,346

Look at my skin.

00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,807

It's cracking from all the dryness,

the air, the climate change,

00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,559

my addiction

to blow-drying my scalp.

00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,936

Korvy, baby, hard disagree.

00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:23,356

{\an8}I love Earth. I missed organizing

all my T-shirts into loose categories.

00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,941

{\an8}[man]

Hey, aliens! A little help?

00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,152

Is that our neighbor yelling at us

like a goddamn animal?

00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,236

- [hair dryer whirring]

- Who?

00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,321

Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.

00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,240

You got no hair,

you're burning a hole in your head,

00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,742

and you're making

the house smell like broccoli.

00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:35,285

[horn honking]

00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,162

I got your mail

while you were on vacay.

00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,538

Shit-ton of packages.

00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332

You guys really lean

into that "buy now" button.

00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,585

Ooh, my subscription boxes.

00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,295

I love the thrill

of having someone else make

00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,504

my purchasing decisions.

00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,256

I know you lovebirds

just got married,

00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,009

so I'm thinking

super fancy honeymoon, huh?

00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,345

Yeah, right. I would never be caught

on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.

00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,680

- Me neither.

- Come on.

00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,099

You guys know what

a honeymoon is, right?

00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,143

- What? Of course, we do.

- How dare you!

00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,270

Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!

00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,647

If there's anything we know,

it's what a bloody honeymoon is.

00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,775

According to Wikipedia,

a honeymoon is

00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,445

an uninterrupted newlywed vacation

taken immediately after the wedding.

00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,197

We're late for

our mandatory sex vacay?

00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656

We gotta leave right now.

00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,743

You're right. I'll book us a room

at the nicest resort in Canada,

00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,078

the sexiest of all countries.

00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,913

Quick, pack several things

we won't end up wearing

00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,539

and some heavy books

we won't end up reading.

00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,624

- On it.

- [clothes rustling]

00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,917

Can someone drop me off

at the mall?

00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,878

OshKosh B'Gosh is having

a sale on all their galoshes.

00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630

We're doing special

husbands-only time,

00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,381

and Wikipedia says

we can't be interrupted.

00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:31,674

[Yumyulack screaming]

00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,176

I tried playing softball,

00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,845

and I underhand pitched too fast.

00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:36,930

Sorry, pal, I can't help you,

00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,765

because half of

the Solar Opposites

00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,059

are goin' on a honeymoon.

00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,354

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,397

until the asteroid hit.

00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,442

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,236

and escaped into the... space,

00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,947

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,323

We crashed on Earth,

00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,659

{\an8}stranding us on an already

overpopulated planet.

00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,244

{\an8}That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,495

{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.

00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,247

{\an8}My name is Korvo.

This is my show.

00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498

{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,542

{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,169

{\an8}It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,671

{\an8}They eat cheese, which is mold,

00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,549

{\an8}but when I scrape mold off my feet

in a movie theater,

00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,135

{\an8}everyone gets all like,

"Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."

00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,346

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,852

{\an8}[Ms. Frankie]

Alright, let's make this quick.

00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,186

{\an8}I'm late for my other job,

00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,729

{\an8}where I stand in front

of self-driving cars

00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,148

{\an8}to see if they detect humans.

00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,567

{\an8}Are you doing a bit?

Is that really a job?

00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,235

{\an8}Of course, it is.

Now shut up.

00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,780

{\an8}Due to your planetary absence,

you two are failing Sex Ed.

00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,741

{\an8}I'm not sure we need to learn

about the sex, Ms. Frankie.

00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,451

{\an8}Yeah, we reproduce asexually,

00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,287

{\an8}without any floppy human organs.

00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,705

{\an8}We have these things

called shmelk holes.

00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,165

{\an8}Each Shlorpian has a unique one.

00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,751

{\an8}Shut up! My paycheck is based

on how many students pass.

00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:49,878

{\an8}So, if you fail,

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,297

{\an8}I swear I'll make sure

you get held back a year.

00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,423

{\an8}[Yumyulack and Jesse]

No!

00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,841

{\an8}We can't hang with the younger kids.

00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676

{\an8}They're intimidating as hell.

00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,345

Those bitches were raised on Euphoria.

00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,471

[Yumyulack and Jesse]

Ah!

00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:01,681

Please, we'll do anything.

00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,350

Good.

We also made porn dioramas

00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,520

to make sure you dumbass teenagers

comprehended the material.

00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,606

Oh, sorry,

that's my rusty trombone.

00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,899

[chuckles] I meant that.

00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,775

Can't we just be emancipated

from school

00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,985

{\an8}like tennis prodigies?

00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,070

{\an8}I wish. How good's your game?

00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,031

- [Yumyulack grunting]

- [ball popping]

00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,033

[Yumyulack groaning]

00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,743

{\an8}You're impressive on clay,

00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,578

{\an8}but your grass game falls to shit.

00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288

{\an8}It's a no-go on the emancipation.

00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,664

{\an8}What a proclamation!

00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:27,832

{\an8}Part of Sex Ed is learning

00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,460

{\an8}that your actions have,

oh, consequences.

00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,420

{\an8}Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.

00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,048

{\an8}So, you two have to take care

of this bag of sugar

00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,717

{\an8}as if it were a baby for an entire week.

00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,303

{\an8}It's conflict sugar, which I'm not

proud of, but it tastes better.

00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,431

{\an8}I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies

that trick men into staying the night.

00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,600

Pssht, that's it?

Easy mode.

00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,976

Could have been easy mode,

00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,354

but now that you disrespected

my sugar,

00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,523

you also have to sci-fi it

into a real baby.

00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,192

But I don't want a Sugar Baby.

00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:57,195

{\an8}I want a sugar daddy,

or at least a sugar legal guardian.

00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,031

And it's rude to assume

that just because we're aliens,

00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,158

we have the technology

to bring things to life.

00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,994

Uh-huh. Tell it

to Principal Cooke's living car.

00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,788

- [car brakes squealing]

- That's it, good car, good car.

00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,414

- Get the carrot. Fuck!

- [car thuds]

00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,124

[all laughing]

00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,626

Okay, that was us.

00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,836

Oh, shit,

it's coming back for more.

00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,380

[Principal Cooke]

Oh! Oh, God!

00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,423

Fine, here comes the sci-fi.

00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,925

[Make Alive ray zapping]

00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,677

{\an8}- [♪ upbeat music playing]

- [Sugar Baby cooing]

00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263

- It's so cute.

- Aww, hi, baby.

00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,723

{\an8}You have one week to keep it alive.

00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,183

{\an8}- It can die, right?

- Oh, yeah.

00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,977

{\an8}Good, I mean bad.

00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,561

{\an8}Don't let that happen.

00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,772

{\an8}- We have to respect life in all its forms.

- [horn honking]

00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,401

{\an8}[Principal Cooke]

It's grinding my bones into dust.

00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,403

{\an8}[♪ sensual music playing]

00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,155

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,866

Oh, my God, I had no idea

how turned on I'd get

00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,702

by making out on a bed

shaped like an organ.

00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,328

I'm glad you talked me

out of the Bahamas.

00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,579

[Korvo sighs]

Nothing beats

00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,915

Alanis Morissette's

Jagged Little Resort, eh?

00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,458

Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.

00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961

They have the best gin

and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.

00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,129

[knock on door]

00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,132

Ding-dong.

Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.

00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,343

But I have complimentary champagne,

some big rush zip,

00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,929

and a pile of Simple Simons

with your name on it.

00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,432

Ah, yes, I understood

almost half of that.

00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,516

It's drugs.

00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,393

Wait a minute, complimentary zip?

00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562

- When does that ever happen?

- Well, it's your honeymoon.

00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,980

You get all sorts of free stuff.

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,440

{\an8}What's the catch, bellman?

00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,067

You ought to know,

I have one hand in my pocket,

00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,986

and the other one is waiting for a tip.

00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,612

I've never tipped, and I never shall.

00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,197

- Get outta here!

- Sweetie.

00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:24,490

Ugh. Fine.

00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,075

Now get outta here.

00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,412

Damn, I was all wet to get married,

but I had no idea

00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,830

how great

the honeymoon perks would be.

00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,541

Yes, everyone's falling over themselves

to be nice to us,

00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,710

just because we've taken

their monogamy oath.

00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,671

Upgraded to first class,

big bowl of fruit in the room.

00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,965

What about all those chocolate dicks

we received on arrival?

00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,759

You guzzled those down.

Nom, nom, nom.

00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:43,843

Guilt-free dicks.

00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,219

When people find out

you're on your honeymoon,

00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,846

it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.

00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,014

As a married husband,

00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,224

I think we should enjoy

this unexpected boon

00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,018

without taking it to the extreme.

00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,561

Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,

00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,022

but counterpoint from

an equally married husband:

00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,899

Why don't we run around

and stress-test this shit

00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,776

so we can see how much

fun stuff we can get?

00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,571

- Only if we 69.5 first.

- Do I have to?

00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,989

[laughs] I'd love that.

00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:06,074

[Korvo grunts]

00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:09,869

[♪ upbeat music playing]

00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,289

Hey, those are my French fries.

00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,749

We're on our honeymoon.

00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,001

Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.

00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,380

- [chair rattling]

- Ah, help!

00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,049

Someone call the mounted police.

00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,259

I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.

00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,886

Enjoy your love.

00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,305

- H-moon hotties here!

- [gunshot]

00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,932

This is our spa day now.

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,475

But we're on our honeymoon too.

00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,060

- Oh, shit!

- Checkmate!

00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,687

You're all entitled to a special rubbing.

00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:37,980

[Korvo and Terry gasp]

00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,774

Uh, oh, yeah!

00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,609

Honey, you can't just shoot a gun

00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,277

into the ceiling

to get people's attention.

00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,362

But it's my honeymoon.

00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,197

Oh, shit, right, congratulations.

00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:50,034

[Sugar Baby wailing]

00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,412

- [Pupa growling]

- Ow, Pupa!

00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,455

Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.

00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,249

And can you keep

that Sugar Baby quiet?

00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,417

I'm trying to game here.

00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,211

I carried this baby

for nine whole blocks

00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,546

on the way home.

00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,465

The least you can do is tell me

I'm doing a good job.

00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,008

Oh, come on, I don't want him.

00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,093

My arms are tired.

00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,179

We are totally failing at being

a mandatory school family.

00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,889

I think it wants to feel skin to bag.

00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,349

Take off your shirt.

00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:16,269

Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!

00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,480

And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading

those parenting subreddits.

00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,315

But their judgments

keep me awake at night,

00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,401

which helps me stay alert

for night-time feedings.

00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,445

Let's just do what all

reasonable parents do

00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,654

when things get hard.

00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,031

Distract it with screen time.

00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,658

- [slap thwacks]

- No screens for baby.

00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:31,826

- [Sugar Baby wailing]

- [Pupa screaming]

00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,953

Can I get five more masseuses,

three for each cheek?

00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,830

On your honeymoon?

Of course.

00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,665

We really should have

gotten married sooner.

00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,333

Who knew it would be

the cheat code to life?

00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,418

It's great, right?

00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,336

You should definitely

enjoy it while it lasts.

00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,504

What on earth does that mean?

00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,798

- Honeymoons are only like a week?

- What?!

00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,886

[Terry] It's right there on Wikipedia.

Honeymoons last a week.

00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,430

After that, it's just traveling

without any of the perks,

00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,598

and our week's almost up.

00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,641

But I've grown accustomed

to the honey-lifestyle.

00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,143

How am I supposed

to go back to underwear

00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,561

without newlywed cans?

00:07:58,561 --> 00:07:59,645

[cans clanking]

00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,772

The honeymoon gives us a pass

from being decent and careful.

00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,691

I took that guy's wallet

and shoved him into the pool.

00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,526

He was wearing

a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.

00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,777

A Detroit Tigers hat.

00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,571

He's gonna kill me, Terry.

He's probably from Michigan.

00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,490

I don't want this week to end!

00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,576

Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time,

not on that scale.

00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,328

[gasps] Wait, I don't have to.

00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,205

If the honeymoon only lasts a week,

00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,790

then I just have to extend the week.

00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,585

Korvo, you've gone honey-mad.

That doesn't make any sense.

00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,921

This is Korvo,

the blue alien in room 413.

00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,007

MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse

and get me a dovmecopter.

00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,426

My husband and I will have

one hand in our...

00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,844

We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.

00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,638

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,934

{\an8}[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,977

{\an8}[Korvo] If we find the Progenitor ship,

we'll find the answer

00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,687

to extending our honeymoon week.

00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,023

Ah, yes, the Progenitors.

I know them well.

00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,983

That's why we're here,

for the Progenitors.

00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,152

Nothing like a good old Progenitor,

am I right?

00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:51,280

Progenitors were the ancient aliens

who created the solar system.

00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,242

Ah, yes, the so-lar system,

I know it well.

00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,535

You're an alien from space.

00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,370

How do you not know

what a solar system is?

00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,622

I'm more of a sexy,

Flash Gordon-type alien.

00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,957

Damn right you are.

00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,041

[beeping]

00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,168

Okay, a Progenitor ship

should be buried right here.

00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,964

- And now we dig.

- Fight!

00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:11,092

Right, yes, of course.

Diggity dig.

00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:15,096

- [pickaxes thudding]

- [Korvo and Terry grunting]

00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,139

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:18,224

[Korvo]

Beautiful.

00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,559

A piece of ancient history,

00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,520

undisturbed since the dawn

of time, untouched by...

00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,771

- [scraping]

- Terry!

00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,773

Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.

00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:27,984

[door whirring]

00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:29,944

[door thuds]

00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:33,573

- [♪ suspenseful music playing]

- [both gasp]

00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,157

These primordial geniuses

00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,243

really knew how to design

a control room.

00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,579

Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.

00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,998

Oh, look, these two died fucking.

00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,583

[signal beeping]

00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,836

This species ignited the sun

and set the orbit of the Earth.

00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,380

And they still had time

to be sexy freaks. Impressive.

00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,464

- [Terry grunts]

- [skeletons clatter]

00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:53,926

They locked the orbit into 52 weeks

to complete a full solar revolution.

00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,721

But if we increase

the circumference of the orbit

00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,222

a little larger...

00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,932

Can't spell circumference without cum!

00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,852

...then each of the 52 weeks

will have to be a day longer.

00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,855

Which means

our honeymoon week is longer.

00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,857

Terry, I love it when you understand

what I'm saying.

00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:08,941

It hurt my brain.

00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,651

Now, let's get out

of this dusty sex tomb

00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,902

and go get more free stuff.

00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,530

[Korvo and Terry]

Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!

00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:18,826

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:23,456

- [sighs]

- [phone ringing]

00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,166

- [phone clicks]

- Hello?

00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,669

Madam President! I've never had to answer

this phone, but-- what?

00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,920

The whole orbit?

00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,300

Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in

a new day called, uh, Blurgday

00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,468

right at the end there.

00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,554

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,059

I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your

appointment is on Saturday.

00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,685

It's still Blurgday.

00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,604

It's too bad you're checking out.

00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940

You never got to do our VIP

swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.

00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,275

[both gasp]

00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,319

[signal beeping]

00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,655

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,491

Looks like a couple more days

were added to the week.

00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,743

So, would you like to swim

with the regular belugas

00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,079

or horny belugas

with the French maid hats?

00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,330

We'll take both.

00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,375

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,876

[air whooshing]

00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:11,545

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,630

Are you done honeymooning?

00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,507

Hell no, give me more days.

00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,343

[signal beeps]

00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,845

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,725

- [glass tinkling]

- [Sugar Baby wailing]

00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,519

How is this week so long?

00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,021

I don't know, but I'm so tired.

00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,314

- [glass shatters]

- [Sugar Baby wailing]

00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:33,359

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,779

[fire crackling]

00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:40,282

Brr. Consequences build

as the week mysteriously extends.

00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,702

{\an8}TGIFridays closed their doors for good,

00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,496

{\an8}and SNL fans have been forced

to watch reruns

00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,416

{\an8}to get their fix of overplayed,

first-act sketches

00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,167

{\an8}that beat non-jokes into the ground.

00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,252

{\an8}Brr!

00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,629

As the Earth's orbit

moves away from the sun,

00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,339

temperatures continue to drop.

00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,882

- [Sugar Baby thuds]

- [TV shatters]

00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,635

Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.

00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:00,720

- [bowl thudding]

- [Sugar Baby babbling]

00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,179

It's been, like, 50 days!

00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,597

I can't do this anymore!

00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,809

It's all your fault for bringing

the Make Alive ray to school.

00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,893

Don't blame me.

00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,395

Whatever sci-fi shit is happening

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,313

is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.

00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:12,565

We gotta make them stop.

00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650

We can't interrupt their honeymoon.

00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737

Can we please give

Sugar Baby screen time?

00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,405

It'll give us peace.

00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,490

But I've been such a good parent.

00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,784

This week is too long.

Look at Pupa.

00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,370

He's a supercomputer,

and even he can't win.

00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,706

He's been trying to throw

JK Sevens out for days,

00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,624

no one's picking up the trash.

00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:31,876

[Sugar Baby wailing]

00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003

- [door thudding]

- Ahh!

00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,380

It feels like we're

never gonna get to Monday!

00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,673

We're co-parents.

00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,300

We have to give up on this together.

00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,261

Ugh, fine, but can we

please let Sugar Baby

00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,806

watch something sweet and chill

and mildly educational?

00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,308

How about

The Great British Bake Off?

00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,227

Those snaggle-toothed colonizers

could dull anyone to sleep.

00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,812

Okay, but only Bake Off.

00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,440

I don't want him getting coked up

on that flipping Blippi.

00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,526

[narrator] [on phone] This week,

we're making a single pancake.

00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:59,904

- [Sugar Baby cooing]

- [Jesse and Yumyulack sigh]

00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,491

And I think we'll have

the head-over-beet salad.

00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,701

What the-- Oh, right,

the Alanis Morissette thing.

00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828

And... choo, choo,

choo, choo, choo, choo,

00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,665

a side of this-album-is-about

Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.

00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,250

Hello? I said I want the squash.

00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,335

- [ice crinkling]

- [♪ suspenseful music playing]

00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,130

Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?

00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,592

{\an8}Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet

a little far from the sun.

00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219

But that's not so bad, right?

00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,804

No, we should be fine,

as long as we don't...

00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,014

- [Korvo gasps]

- [♪ dramatic music playing]

00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,475

Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!

00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,060

On our honeymoon!

00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,731

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:36,816

Maybe we're gonna miss it!

00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,692

Its gravitational pull

is already affecting us.

00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,236

We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,

00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,154

and now the planet is going

to pay the price.

00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:43,572

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,076

[Terry screams]

00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,162

- [door clicks]

- Ahh!

00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,164

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,586

Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have

a quick minute for a survey?

00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:58,838

[Terry and Korvo scream]

00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,047

How did we let it get so bad?

00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,383

I mean, I know how I did,

but you're the smart one, Korvo.

00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,593

I know, but the danger

of changing the orbit

00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,345

was better than something

I'd read on Wikipedia

00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,805

that scared the gooblers out of me.

00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,474

Oh, God. What did you read about,

Chupacabras, ee-ee?

00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,434

There's a common phrase people use,

00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,811

"The honeymoon is over."

00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,937

What does that mean?

00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,605

It's what people say

about nasty couples

00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,357

who've been married for a while

and hate each other.

00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,151

They start to see the ugly parts

of their spouses they can't un-see.

00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,863

That's why the divorce rate

is like 4.5 out of 5.

00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,989

So we make a promise.

00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,448

Divorce is a forbidden D word.

00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,451

Like how Disney Plus won't let us say

"Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"

00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,453

or how Dopey is

the only dwarf that [bleep].

00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,913

I never want to resent you,

00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,206

not more than I currently do.

00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,041

Korvo, if we can fuck

with the Earth's orbit,

00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,835

we can fuck

with marriage statistics.

00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,837

Honey, I am here for the tough times.

00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,172

- I want to see your ugly parts.

- I do too.

00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,258

Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,

00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,011

warm the planet back to the previous

catastrophic temperature,

00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,597

and end this honeymoon on our terms.

00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,348

That's my hot-ass husband right there.

00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:54,310

And every year, we can celebrate

our anniversary right here.

00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,477

[pickax thudding]

00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:57,938

[♪ classical music playing]

00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,649

[air whooshing]

00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,736

[rumbling]

00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,033

♪

00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:10,200

[♪ classical music playing]

00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,410

[Yumyulack yawns]

00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,579

Good thing Korvo equipped the house

with its own artificial gravity

00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497

after Terry kept throwing

his jugs on the roof.

00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:16,582

[window thudding]

00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,042

[distorted beeping]

00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,836

[♪ classical music continues]

00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:23,005

- [Sugar Baby screams]

- Ow, he cut me.

00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,215

What the heck is wrong with you?

00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,635

[gasps] It's the baking show.

00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,802

Look what they're using.

00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,721

[gasps] While we've been resting,

00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,016

Sugar Baby was watching them

destroy his friends and family.

00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,225

[both]

Ah!

00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,144

That little freak's

on a murder mission.

00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,146

He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.

00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:43,108

She must have killed all his friends

with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.

00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,028

We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie

or we'll never pass Sex Ed.

00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,571

Activate magnet shoes.

00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:48,864

[shoes beeping]

00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,366

[shoes clomping]

00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,700

How do these work on cement?

00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,826

Shut up, nerd.

00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,996

[Pupa grunting]

00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,415

Ah! No!

00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,130

[♪ heroic music playing]

00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:06,924

[beeping]

00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,509

Harry Potter whistle!

00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,845

- Aw, friends.

- [JK Sevens beeping]

00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:17,309

[Terry and Korvo grunting]

00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,687

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,355

Oh, what the hell?

It's stuck.

00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,523

We're gonna have to do it manually.

00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,651

There are 10 switches around the room

we must engage at the same time.

00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,820

Love, love, love, love.

I got mine.

00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,906

That's eight. Come on, Terry,

we just need two more.

00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:33,701

[rumbling]

00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,661

How the hell are we supposed

to reach the last two?

00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:38,080

Oh, God. We're gonna have

to spread our flaps

00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,373

and use our shmelk holes.

00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,960

What? I've never shown anyone

my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.

00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,295

I haven't either,

but we don't have a choice.

00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,714

But mine's so ugly.

00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,173

You're not gonna think I'm sexy.

00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,259

This is what I read about

on Wikipedia, Terry.

00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,428

We're gonna see the ugly parts

of each other,

00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,804

and we'll be okay.

00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,432

- I don't know.

- Terry, I love all of you.

00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,142

Uh, okay, fine.

00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,728

[Terry groaning]

00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,438

[limb rustling]

00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:03,939

[Terry groans]

00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,192

Oh, God, oh, fuck,

it smells like, like...

00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,861

I can't be clever on-the-fly

like Deadpool.

00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,945

It stinks, okay?

00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,739

Hey, th-th-that's normal.

00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,699

I showed you mine,

it's your turn now.

00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,783

Okay.

00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,493

- [Korvo groaning]

- [limb rustling]

00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,162

[Terry]

What the fuck?

00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,247

It's beautiful.

That's not fair.

00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,332

- It's gross, don't look.

- No, it is not.

00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,834

Why does yours smell like cinnamon?

00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,627

I want it in my mouth.

00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,629

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,256

[limb thuds]

00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,009

[machinery powers on]

00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,595

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:37,848

[limbs slurping]

00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,353

Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.

00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,439

Yes, but we also returned climate change.

00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,233

Oh, the polar bears

are not gonna be okay.

00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,779

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,363

{\an8}- [screaming]

- [buildings thudding]

00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,990

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,658

Typical sci-fi reset.

00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,743

Oh, my baby.

00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,079

[Sugar Baby growls]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,498

Apologies to my subscribers

for the late post.

00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,876

The gravity chaos fucked up

my other, other, other job.

00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,004

ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.

00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,964

Charizard,

00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:14,343

Squirtle, Jigglypuff.

00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,512

[♪ dramatic music playing]

00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,679

Ah!

00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,556

- [Sugar Baby growls]

- Ahh!

00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,184

- [Sugar Baby growling]

- Ow, that really hurts.

00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,061

I regret being helpful.

00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,563

- [glass shatters]

- Oh, no!

00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,273

What the hell is going on?

00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,567

We, we lost our Sugar Baby.

00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,860

Go ahead and fail us.

00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,862

Did you spend wakeless days

caring for something

00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,156

that exhausted you, didn't listen,

and eventually ran away

00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:37,658

to pursue something

you didn't approve of?

00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,369

You betcha with a capital B,

Ms. Frankie.

00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,162

Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.

00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,873

Congrats, you experienced

true parenting, you passed.

00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,333

Sugar Baby is still out there.

00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,210

I'm worried he's gonna do

a murder on you.

00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,338

Nah, without us, I'm sure

he'll get licked to death by a horse.

00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:52,422

He'll be fine.

00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,591

[narrator]

Today, on The Great British Bake Off.

00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,301

Everyone, grab your sugar.

00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,012

- [Sugar Baby growling]

- [host screaming]

00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,223

[♪ gentle music playing]

00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,684

Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.

00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,644

- Am I important?

- We did the right thing.

00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,604

We have all we need to feel special,

00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,731

us, the team family,

00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,192

and this goddamned

heart-shaped bed.

00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,318

[lips smacking]

00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,696

[♪ gentle music playing]

00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,031

[Terry] You wanna blow out my back

and break this bed in half?

00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,075

[Korvo]

This heart shape is too small!

00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:23,162

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,773

♪

00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,038

[mimicking laser fire]