Остров бывших — Корво и Терри побеждают в некоем конкурсе и получают путёвку на тропический остров. Джесси быстро понимает, что это ловушка. Этот остров населён её бывшими парнями, которых она сама себе создавала, чтобы казаться интересной. Когда же они ей надоедали, она сплавляла их на необитаемый остров. Тем временем во дворе Гэвин и София достигают поселение, находящееся рядом с песочницей. Его жители нашли в песочнице бутылку виски и теперь пытаются откопать её. Работами руководит Энтони. Софии удаётся вывести его на чистую воду. Энтони затуманивает разум жителям галлюциногенными грибами, а бутылку виски собирается впоследствии присвоить себе.

Предыдущая серия S05 E04 Учебное спринклерное устройство

Следующая серия S05 E06 Научно-фантастические ролики

Остров бывших

Ex-Boyfriend Island

Сезон: 05Серия: 05

Описание

Корво и Терри побеждают в некоем конкурсе и получают путёвку на тропический остров. Джесси быстро понимает, что это ловушка. Этот остров населён её бывшими парнями, которых она сама себе создавала, чтобы казаться интересной. Когда же они ей надоедали, она сплавляла их на необитаемый остров. Тем временем во дворе Гэвин и София достигают поселение, находящееся рядом с песочницей. Его жители нашли в песочнице бутылку виски и теперь пытаются откопать её. Работами руководит Энтони. Софии удаётся вывести его на чистую воду. Энтони затуманивает разум жителям галлюциногенными грибами, а бутылку виски собирается впоследствии присвоить себе.

Субтитры

00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:07,940 ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА
00:00:07,950 --> 00:00:09,190 ТАНЦЫ ИЗ ТИК-ТОКА ЗАПРЕЩЕНЫ, ПОКА СУД НЕ РАЗРЕШИТСЯ
00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:12,010 Пойдём, а то пропустим новый выпуск «Шоу Дрю Бэрримор»!
00:00:12,020 --> 00:00:15,390 Они снова встречаются с велосипедом из «Инопланетянина»!
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,430 Впервые она занюхнула кокс с его сиденья!
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,510 Не могу, Ям.
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:23,060 У команды по Call of Duty моего нового парня матч против команды New Brunswick Acid Lions.
00:00:23,070 --> 00:00:24,650 Я должна его поддержать.
00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:28,440 Тебе нравится киберспорт, только потому что твой мужик партнёр Твитча.
00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:31,280 Мне Зэш нравился, ещё когда был компаньоном.
00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:33,990 А ещё он прошёл все дополнения Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,990 так что он уважает женщин!
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,120 Ты же встречалась с капитаном по дебатам.
00:00:38,130 --> 00:00:40,330 А до него с каким-то эмарём-мудаком.
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:42,580 Джесси, ты меняешь парней, как перчатки.
00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:44,941 Ты думаешь не о них, а только о себе.
00:00:46,470 --> 00:00:49,570 Хай, Джесси. Зэш вошёл в чат.
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:52,050 Ты даже в реале интернетный! Мне нравится.
00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:54,800 Люди приходят в «Оазис» ради возможности что-то сделать,
00:00:54,810 --> 00:00:57,090 но остаются, потому что могут кем-то стать.
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,550 Я даже не понял, чего ты снёс.
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,470 Увези меня на моём геймерском пре-стуле!
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,020 Начнём искать пасхалки Холлидея!
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:07,230 А ты, лошара, поедешь домой не на удобном стуле
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,549 для стрим-марафонов!
00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:12,135 Нас ждёт лучшая реальность!
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,650 Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной,
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,849 пока на неё не грохнулся астероид...
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,700 Сотне взрослых особей и их репликантам
00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:22,580 выдали по пупе и отправили в космос
00:01:22,590 --> 00:01:25,330 на поиски необитаемого мира, нашего нового дома.
00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:26,620 Мы рухнули на Землю,
00:01:26,630 --> 00:01:28,860 планету, кишащую людьми.
00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:30,500 Да, да, это мой голос.
00:01:30,510 --> 00:01:31,710 Я держу Пупу.
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,510 Меня зовут Корво. Это мой сериал.
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,760 Я уронил Пупу, видите?
00:01:34,770 --> 00:01:36,760 Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю!
00:01:36,770 --> 00:01:37,840 Отстойная планета!
00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:39,510 Люди тупые и странные.
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,915 Нахрена у них столько разных сосков?
00:01:41,930 --> 00:01:45,960 Пусть они будут одинаковые, а то я заваливаю рисование фигур!
00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:48,900 СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ
00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:55,470 Пупа.
00:02:06,130 --> 00:02:07,250 Давай, старичок.
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,960 Получим наши деньги, я расплачусь с долгами
00:02:09,970 --> 00:02:13,123 и, может, даже останется на ферму возле шины-качели,
00:02:13,130 --> 00:02:16,900 на которой Терри пытался подражать «Чудакам» и потерял глаз.
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:20,078 Всё правильно.
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,650 Подожди, я схожу отолью.
00:02:24,530 --> 00:02:26,209 О да!
00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:29,879 Чёрт, я думал, вылечился от них.
00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:37,190 Какого хера ты тут делаешь?
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,570 Удивительно, что вы меня не заметили.
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,590 Ёжик вот видел, как я выглядываю.
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,017 Ах, вот оно что.
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,178 Теперь можно сесть спереди.
00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:47,647 Но можете не сдерживать пердёж ради меня.
00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:50,970 Я тебя не повезу. Иди назад в Сточновилль.
00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:54,380 И кстати, между прочим, это не пердёж, это сиденье так скрипит.
00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:57,490 Вы не понимаете, моего дядю Оскара убили.
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:59,280 В смысле «убили»? Я его видел.
00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:02,680 Охотник за головами приехал на ящерице и убил его.
00:03:02,690 --> 00:03:05,200 Он и меня убьёт, если я вернусь.
00:03:05,210 --> 00:03:06,600 Я, кажется, знаю его.
00:03:06,610 --> 00:03:09,750 Ящерица извивалась, будто у неё нет костей?
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,750 Да, извивалась.
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,330 Чёрт, это Литл Ричард.
00:03:13,340 --> 00:03:13,900 Певец?
00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:17,000 Нет, просто его зовут Ричард, а Литл значит «маленький».
00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:18,070 Но мы все маленькие.
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,990 Слушай, я задолжал кучу бабла.
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:24,420 Меня явно заказали, но случайно досталось и твоему дяде.
00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:30,660 Я отвезу тебя в деревушку внутри черепа енота.
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,460 Воняет дохлым енотом, но зато там тебя не тронут.
00:03:33,470 --> 00:03:35,210 Я вас не задержку, обещаю.
00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:36,420 Ты уже задержала.
00:03:36,430 --> 00:03:38,489 Но я знаю, где можно срезать.
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,550 И правда сиденье!
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,162 Не, это уже я.
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,720 Так, всем внимание!
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:50,540 Мне пришёл самый охренительный имейл!
00:03:50,550 --> 00:03:54,400 Опять этому итальянскому принцу нужны деньги? Вряд ли он станет королём.
00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:55,781 Корво, ты не поверишь,
00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:59,360 но мы наконец стали доминирующими боттомами «Миандис»!
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:02,030 Дуй в древний горн и зажигай пламя предков!
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,160 Сегодня мы принцы!
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:05,510 А что за боттомы?
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,240 Это значит, мы купили у них так много трусов, что получили статус «ультра-алмаз».
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,660 Мы белая индюшатина мира трусов!
00:04:11,670 --> 00:04:13,040 А теперь готовься.
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:16,840 Ведь нас с тобой отправляют в оплаченную поездку
00:04:16,850 --> 00:04:19,730 на остров свежих яиц Тропикрут!
00:04:19,740 --> 00:04:21,157 Ого, круто!
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,360 Нет, щенок, ты не поедешь.
00:04:24,370 --> 00:04:25,970 Почему щенок не поедет?
00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:28,810 Ты покупаешь «Хейнс» в пакетах по 20 штук, как даун.
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:30,320 Они не сотрудничают с Рианной.
00:04:30,330 --> 00:04:34,140 Любитель «Хейнс» думает, что он поедет на остров Тропикрут «Миандис».
00:04:34,150 --> 00:04:35,650 Но я тоже хочу с вами...
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:37,360 Для этого и нужен статус.
00:04:37,370 --> 00:04:38,650 Хвастаться им весело.
00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:41,440 Поэтому мы будем слать тебе фото, чтобы ты завидовал.
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:44,180 А ты сиди и тухни дома, болванчик.
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:49,260 Да и насрать мне на ваш вонючий трусовый остров.
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,750 Сука, как же завидно!
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,773 А они даже ещё не выехали!
00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:58,000 Почему вы не хотите взять меня в путешествие?
00:04:58,010 --> 00:05:00,420 Я всегда хотела повидать Задний двор.
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,920 На Заднем дворе опасно.
00:05:01,930 --> 00:05:03,880 Ты всю жизнь прожила в комфорте.
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,720 Не думай, что сможешь выжить там.
00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:09,247 Вообще-то я могу о себе позаботиться!
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:13,120 Сейчас же сними их!
00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:14,210 Вы чего делаете?
00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:15,710 Сними эти серёжки!
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,712 Нет!
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:18,730 Лужайку давно не поливали.
00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:20,210 Животные ищут пропитание.
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:20,650 И что?
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:22,990 Голодных белок привлекают блестящие вещи,
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,679 например, твои сраные серёжки!
00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:27,030 Ладно, ладно, я же не знала.
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,570 Ты ничего не знаешь о Дворе.
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,080 Но я быстро учусь.
00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:33,620 Я посмотрела шесть видео на Youtube и уже освоила «кошачий глаз».
00:05:33,630 --> 00:05:36,000 Как бы нас из-за тебя не убил реальный кот.
00:05:36,010 --> 00:05:38,401 Какая-то бессмыслица.
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,447 Пылесос. Пылесосим призраков. Пылесосим призраков!
00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:44,880 Вот это Зэш нагибает!
00:05:44,890 --> 00:05:47,720 Он прямо Майкл Джордан в Luigi's Mansion!
00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:52,140 Терри и Корво всё присылают мне фотки со своей тупой классной поездки.
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:54,520 Смотри, у них номер прямо в пещере.
00:05:54,530 --> 00:05:56,440 И есть гот-дворецкий!
00:05:56,450 --> 00:05:58,350 Почему же я ношу неправильные трусы?
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,480 Ё-моё, это же мой бывший парень-гот Аллистер.
00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:05,610 Его зовут Карл, но он сменил имя, чтобы оно подходило к его мрачной одежде.
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:09,430 Странно, что этот Аллистер-Карл работает теперь на курорте «Миандис».
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,740 Блин, а это Харрисон и Грэм.
00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:15,688 Короче, слушай, это Исла Чафа, необитаемый остров,
00:06:15,688 --> 00:06:19,760 куда я сваливаю своих бывших, когда они становятся слишком прилипчивыми.
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,940 Чёрт, крутые у них пушки...
00:06:21,950 --> 00:06:23,170 Слушай, что говорю!
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:25,630 Терри и Корво похитили мои бывшие,
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,670 и теперь мне придётся их спасать!
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,995 И столкнуться со своим прошлым сердцеедки.
00:06:31,210 --> 00:06:33,450 Хороший повод испортить им отдых!
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:36,950 Да не отдых это! Ты так завидуешь, что уже не думаешь башкой?
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,810 Пожалуйста, возьми меня с собой!
00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:41,770 Я уже десять часов никому не ломал жизнь...
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,710 Какой же ты кретин. Ладно, поехали.
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:50,723 Вот и он. Город Песочница-таун.
00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:53,200 До того, как построили город, это была просто песочница.
00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:55,470 А до этого сюда срали кошки.
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,050 Одно из шести чудес Заднего двора!
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,010 А где все?
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,470 Не знаю.
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:10,868 Будь начеку.
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,190 Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:27,730 Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:29,300 Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,013 Им явно нужна эта бутылка.
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,780 Нихера ты осмелел, припёрся в Песочница-таун,
00:07:33,790 --> 00:07:36,620 примерно сантиметровый кусок дерьма!
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:40,850 Энтони, клянусь, я думал, что бумажный самолётик нас выдержит!
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:45,180 Да я угораю, братуха!
00:07:45,710 --> 00:07:47,210 А теперь я серьёзно!
00:07:48,950 --> 00:07:50,533 Нет, снова угораю!
00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:52,243 В юморе нужно действовать дважды.
00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:54,090 Смотри, какой у меня крутой меч!
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,850 Ты так испугался, что я тебя зарежу!
00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:59,500 Прямо такой: «Нет! Не режь меня!»
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,140 Рад видеть тебя, Энтони.
00:08:01,150 --> 00:08:03,129 Добро пожаловать в мой город!
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:04,440 Раньше тут была песочница.
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:05,810 Да это и так понятно.
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:09,719 Бросайте все дела, будем веселиться. У нас гости!
00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:25,000 Главное, не напороться на моих бывших.
00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:27,069 Они тут так долго проторчали,
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,300 что, наверное, поехали кукухой.
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:32,867 Я скинул Терри и Корво селфач!
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,286 Вот они разозлятся, что я испортил им отдых!
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,662 Я говорю, их похитили!
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:39,373 Ты единственный, кто не понял ситуацию!
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:46,046 Этот говнюк в Хейнсах на нашем острове!
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:48,070 И он перестанет нам завидовать!
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,360 Закажи обслуживание!
00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:50,860 Не принесёте нам поесть?
00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:53,070 Смотри, чем Терри и Корво кормят на курорте!
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,160 Халявный заплесневелый хлеб!
00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:57,820 Надо как-то заставить их завидовать мне!
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,220 Нет ли тут халявной еды?
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:00,728 Ты это слышал?
00:09:00,990 --> 00:09:02,605 Цепочка для брюк!
00:09:07,850 --> 00:09:08,903 Это Аллистер.
00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:12,690 Он так долго пробыл вне мамкиного дома, что, наверное, двинулся.
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,866 Надо как-то его обойти.
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,993 Терри такой надменный тут!
00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:20,289 Чёрт! Кулон с пентаграммой!
00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:24,600 Бежим, он не надолго отвлёкся!
00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:26,378 В эту игру можно играть вдвоём!
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:30,120 Хештег «без фильтров», хештег «мальчик в "Хейнсах"».
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,900 Отключи звук на телефоне,
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:35,330 или нас опять услышат одичавшие бывшие!
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:37,515 Интересно, где тут делают косички.
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,580 Если Терри увидит меня с ними,
00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:41,330 он навалит гублеров!
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:44,438 Блин, это Грэм, бывший из VSCO,
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,732 и Харрисон, лидер команды по дебатам!
00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:48,220 Они теперь охотятся стаями!
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,780 Нужно сматываться!
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:54,470 Они должны объяснить свою позицию за шесть минут.
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:57,451 Чёрт, бежим!
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:06,560 Спрячемся за этим потрясающим красивым водопадом!
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:09,296 Терри и Корво точно его не видели!
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,259 Божечки, Зэш! Ты пришёл меня спасти!
00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:15,110 Ты самый лучший парень в мире!
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,804 Game over, Джесси.
00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,820 Баскетбол? Я не понимаю.
00:10:18,830 --> 00:10:20,516 Они из NBA2K?
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:38,117 Пупа с Малышом закопали эту бутылку Maker's Mark в прошлом году.
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,840 Вот он от него понахватался.
00:10:39,850 --> 00:10:42,010 Да, Тони, ты здесь нашёл новую жизнь.
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,640 Мы все всего лишь песчинки,
00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:45,970 нас сыплют через пальцы, на нас наступают,
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,810 иногда застреваем в половых губах.
00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:52,400 Когда ты становишься одним целым с песком, ты находишь себя.
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:55,360 И что вы будете делать с этой бутылкой, когда достанете её?
00:10:55,370 --> 00:10:57,630 Nada. «Ничего» по-мексикански.
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,320 Так трудитесь и ради «ничего»?
00:10:59,330 --> 00:11:01,910 Мы уже вытащили лопатки и фантики от конфет.
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:07,160 Вытащим эту бутылку — и песок наконец обретёт покой.
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:09,840 Здесь так круто!
00:11:10,010 --> 00:11:11,750 И еда тоже супер!
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,960 Как-то она всем слишком нравится.
00:11:18,270 --> 00:11:20,380 Здесь происходит что-то странное.
00:11:20,390 --> 00:11:24,350 Да, обычно хиппи намного быстрее начинают оргию.
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,930 Они безобидны. Так ты, значит, любишь песок?
00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,480 О да. Я столько про него могу рассказать.
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,190 Расскажи.
00:11:33,470 --> 00:11:34,360 Где мы?
00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:36,900 Парни, принцесса проснулась.
00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:39,700 Зэш, за что ты так со мной?
00:11:39,710 --> 00:11:42,240 Я меняла тебе подгузники, пока ты рейдил в Destiny.
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,240 Крота для тебя совсем пустяк?
00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:48,250 Так называемый Зэш-киберспортсмен — всего лишь ложный образ,
00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:51,330 созданный с целью усыпить твою бдительность.
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:55,568 В действительности я никто иной, как Сплэш Мондун,
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:58,550 твой обычный парень, любящий спорт!
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:01,430 Я обожаю баскетбол, хоккей и так далее!
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,660 Поэтому ты так всасывал в Destiny 2...
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,910 Это всё ради того, чтобы отомстить тебе за то,
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,520 что ты бросила меня и других парней на этом острове.
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:10,437 Я сбежал на лодке, ведь я ещё и гребец,
00:12:10,450 --> 00:12:13,060 затем выманил тебя сюда своей спортивной харизмой.
00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:16,190 Почувствуй, каково это, когда тебя удерживает любимый человек.
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,050 Джесси, что за фигня тут творится?
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,150 Я уже объяснила, и он объяснил!
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,860 Да, и хоть я толком не слушал,
00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:25,570 почему они такие злые и подробные?
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:29,040 Потому что они не обычные бывшие.
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,790 В школе у меня не было никакой индивидуальности.
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,880 У моих одноклассниц были интересные характеры, а я просто скучная инопланетянка.
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,840 Поэтому я распечатала модели
00:12:39,850 --> 00:12:42,522 из плоти со специфичными интересами
00:12:42,530 --> 00:12:46,220 и встречалась с ними, чтобы перенять их характеры.
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,720 Но тебе это не удалось.
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:49,440 Да. Они мне наскучивали,
00:12:49,450 --> 00:12:53,270 и мне было стыдно позёрить с каждым из них, поэтому я не просто бросала их,
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,460 а оставляла их на этом острове и начинала по новой.
00:12:56,470 --> 00:12:58,190 - Господи, Джесси! - Это точно!
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,440 Вот так я — поматрошу и на острове брошу!
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:02,950 У нас пещера в два раза больше, чем у Терри и Корво!
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,200 Опупенно!
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:08,120 Ям, твой СДВГ перестал быть милым, теперь он настораживает.
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,580 Хорошо, что ты признала свои злодеяния, Джесси.
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,890 Ты попользовалась нами и бросила.
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:14,540 Я понимаю. Простите меня!
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:16,210 Сплэш, просто отпусти мою семью.
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:17,690 Они-то не виноваты!
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:20,130 Извини, но тут я тебе покажу красную карточку.
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:22,880 Мы оставим вас с семьёй гнить в этой пещере.
00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:26,600 А потом поселимся у вас дома и будем срать в нормальный унитаз.
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:28,680 У Ямюляка номер больше!
00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:30,990 Видимо, чёртов засранец проапгрейдился!
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,430 Ну ладно. Но зато у него нет летучих мышей.
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,169 Сфоткай их ему.
00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:42,280 Эй, Гэвин. Просыпайся. Что происходит?
00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:43,940 Вкусный Эрик Бана.
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,090 Я иду в T-Bell, тебе нужно новое лицо?
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,098 Ты что, упорот?
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,831 Ага, так и знала!
00:14:13,170 --> 00:14:14,350 Ты что тут делаешь?
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:19,090 Ты кормишь своих людей этими грибами и превращаешь их в обдолбанных хиппи!
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,980 Чего? Нет. Это шиитаке.
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:24,860 Я могу отличить весёлые грибы, растущие в дерьме.
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:26,860 Поэтому тут так и воняет.
00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:28,610 Ладно, ты меня раскусила.
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:30,740 На Заднем дворе страшно жить,
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:34,200 а псилоцибин помогает нам стать одним целым с песком.
00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:36,390 И с ними у нас охренительные оргии!
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,500 Если бы ты делал это ради их блага, ты бы не уходил тайком!
00:14:39,510 --> 00:14:41,790 Я всем расскажу правду, и они сами решат,
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,071 нравится ли им быть под грибами весь день.
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,130 Хочешь знать правду? Ну хорошо.
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:49,180 Мне нужно, чтобы они обдалбывались и копали дальше.
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:50,680 И всё это ради песка?
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:55,180 Да плевал я на этот долбаный песок. Мне нужна только эта бутылка!
00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:56,770 Когда я заполучу этот виски,
00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:59,650 я возглавлю весь рынок алкоголя во Дворе.
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,440 Я буду настолько богат,
00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:04,480 что смогу свалить от этих дебилов в Баскетболбург!
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:06,360 Там я куплю себе статус элиты!
00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:08,920 То есть, ты просто всех их бросишь?
00:15:08,930 --> 00:15:11,807 Ну да. Богатые могут делать всё, что захотят!
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,760 Нет, я расскажу им, что ты затеял.
00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:16,478 Ах да. Ну так вот, помнишь мой крутой меч?
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:18,522 Я убью тебя им!
00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:23,630 Ты кинула дерьмом мне в глаза!
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,130 Сука! Оно мне под линзу попало!
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:29,300 Прости, Ям. Если бы у меня была уверенность в себе,
00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:31,680 я бы не наделала всех этих фальшивых парней,
00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:33,300 и этого всего не случилось бы.
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:34,560 Отсюда почти видно океан.
00:15:34,570 --> 00:15:37,720 Мне не нужна индивидуальность, построенная на распечатанных парнях.
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:39,668 Я просто должна быть самой собой,
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,650 и мой настоящий характер поборет их всех, и они меня отпустят!
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:45,290 Эй, Сплэш!
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:46,280 Ну чё тебе?
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,690 Вот я настоящая!
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,070 Я люблю свою семью. Я люблю спать допоздна.
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,780 Однажды я вернула острые крылышки «Читос» в Applebee's,
00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:56,410 соврав, что они холодные, но по правде я просто пожалела, что купила их.
00:15:56,420 --> 00:15:58,160 Вот это настоящая Джесси.
00:15:58,170 --> 00:15:59,646 Теперь вы знаете.
00:16:01,150 --> 00:16:04,170 Фигня. Ты просто перечислила скучные черты характера.
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:08,780 Настоящая личность образуется после 20-ти лет.
00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:11,720 О нет! Быть самой собой не помогло?
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:15,530 Ты такая же стрёмная и пресная, как картошка в Wendy's.
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:19,430 И мы тут просидим до 20-ти лет? Не закроется ли Hulu?
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,560 Стоп. Эй, Харрисон, парень-дебатник.
00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:24,830 Ямюляк сказал, что хочет перейти на личности.
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,757 Чего?! Это недопустимо!
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,370 Стойте! Разве вы не хотите, чтобы я доказал свою правоту фактами и логикой?
00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:36,850 Остановить их!
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,776 Гэвин, пора валить!
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:48,690 Только диско-картошечку. Ключ у меня под мышкой.
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,364 Просыпайся, здоровяк!
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,420 Когда тебя уже отпустит?
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:10,030 Где это мы?
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,820 Давай, приходи уже в себя.
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,303 Энтони хочет...
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:22,120 Что происходит?
00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:24,870 Эта бутылка принадлежит всем песчаным жителям!
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,025 Она может изменить их жизнь!
00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:32,489 С таким мышлением ты точно не выживешь во Дворе.
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,034 Ого, и вправду крутой меч!
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,410 Где купил?
00:17:37,420 --> 00:17:38,430 «Купил»?
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,060 Я сам его сделал!
00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:45,040 В отличие от тебя, мне пришлось самому продирать себе путь через этот Двор!
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:46,650 Ого, расскажи поподробней!
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,310 Я сделал лезвие из пилки для ногтей,
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,400 а рукоятку — из куска стикера!
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:53,990 Я слышала, что ходить в блестящими предметами
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,972 на Заднем дворе — очень плохая идея.
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:00,760 О нет...
00:18:27,550 --> 00:18:30,830 Так-то! Я повелитель песка!
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:35,630 Убегай!
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,360 Нет.
00:18:36,370 --> 00:18:37,990 Всё под контролем.
00:18:39,830 --> 00:18:42,330 Ибо я властелин этого песка!
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:48,370 Валим отсюда, пока он не вылез из песка.
00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:50,942 Видела я такое в некоторых фильмах.
00:18:57,020 --> 00:18:58,450 Хештег «кардио — это жизнь»!
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:01,220 Мне без особого характера с ними не совладать!
00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:03,430 Мне срочно нужен жизненный опыт.
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,310 Может, мне замутить с веганом или побыть в Белизе месяц
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,770 и основать личность на этом?
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,600 Нет, всё равно скучная тема.
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:14,440 Ну супер, теперь он показывает рекламу машин. Нахрена вот? Просто запости уже.
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:16,802 Стой, Ямюляк, это идея!
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:20,764 Что тут происходит? Как мы попали на гору? Какой сегодня день?
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:22,570 Я сброшу тебя с горы,
00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:25,040 и от тебя останется только заурядный труп!
00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:28,080 Может, я и заурядная, зато у меня есть вот что!
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:29,290 Ты купила машину?!
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,567 Машина помогает подросткам выработать характер!
00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:37,572 Именно! Синий Saturn Vue 2009-го года!
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:39,980 Сегодня начинается моя кредитная история!
00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:42,285 У тебя сама интересная личность в классе!
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,954 За что мне это?
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,930 Чем я интереснее, тем ты слабее!
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:51,400 Наклею стикер о дружбе религий и стану водить машину трезвой, сучок!
00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:54,423 Теперь все захотят тусить со мной!
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,870 ХОТ ТОПИК
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,870 Ну и долго нам ждать? Мы уже трезвеем.
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,750 Всего пару минут, Стэйси.
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,620 А потом продолжим быть популярными.
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:14,630 А ты пока накидайся крема.
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,362 Ещё как накидаюсь, королева.
00:20:18,470 --> 00:20:21,324 Всё хорошо, выходи. Ты сможешь.
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,370 Тебя здесь не обидят. Тут такие же, как ты.
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,560 Не бойтесь, я развезу вас по подходящим вам местам.
00:20:32,570 --> 00:20:35,422 Ведь у меня есть машина!
00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:37,570 Джесси супер!
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:39,400 Давайте нажрёмся Хард-зельцера
00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,845 и разочаруем наших отчимов!
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:45,515 Ну и денёк выдался.
00:20:45,530 --> 00:20:47,910 Мы спасли моих бывших, побороли моё прошлое
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,750 и даже спасли Терри и Корво!
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,290 Эти долбонавты искренне верили, что приехали на курорт.
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,960 Погоди, мы же спасли Терри и Корво?
00:20:56,970 --> 00:20:59,050 Ну да. Вроде бы да.
00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:01,550 Терри же нам сделал яичницу со «Скиттлсом».
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,574 Это я её сделала.
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:04,117 Ну ёпсель-мопсель!
00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:08,100 Господи, я ещё никогда так в жизни не расслаблялся.
00:21:08,110 --> 00:21:11,708 Это самый лучший оздоровительный курорт.
00:21:12,490 --> 00:21:14,140 Блин, Корв, ты так расслабился.
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,570 Ям просто обзавидует... ся.
00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:22,150 Как ты себя чувствуешь?
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,910 Хреново.
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:28,600 Хорошо, что ты доверилась интуиции, а то мы под грибами рыли бы песок.
00:21:29,750 --> 00:21:32,350 Может, ты всё же способна здесь выжить.
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:33,660 Мне ещё есть, чему учиться.
00:21:33,670 --> 00:21:37,170 Например, я не понимаю, почему, когда все узнали о планах Энтони,
00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:41,360 они всё равно продолжили есть грибы и поклоняться песку.
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:44,940 Всем нам нужно найти свой источник счастья.
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,930 Отвечай. Куда они пошли?
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:52,580 Я же сказал, что не знаю!
00:21:52,590 --> 00:21:54,209 Как и все остальные.
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,128 От тебя никакой пользы.
00:21:57,140 --> 00:22:02,380 Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510 Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,012 or we'll miss the new <i>Drew Barrymore Show.</i>
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,265 Drew's having a reunion with the bicycle from <i>E.T.</i>
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,350 The first time she did coke was right off the seat.
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,601 No can do, Yum.
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,311 My new boyfriend's pro <i>Call of Duty</i> team
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,064 has a match against the New Brunswick Acid Lions today.
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,649 I have to be here to show support.
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734 Ugh, you're such a bot.
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,943 You're only into eSports
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,445 because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281 Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash when he was just an Affiliate.
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,992 Plus, he's played all the <i>Horizon Zero Dawn</i> DLC,
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,994 so he knows how to respect women.
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,121 Weren't you just dating the debate captain?
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,331 And before that, some emo douche?
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,584 You're really tossing out the boy toys, Jesse.
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,586 You sure this isn't about you and not them?
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589 'Sup, @Jesse?
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,049 Z'ash has entered the chat.
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,052 Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,804 People come to the Oasis for all the things they can do,
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:57,098 but they stay for all the things they can be.
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,558 What does that even mean?
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,478 Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,022 Let the hunt for Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,233 Have fun going home in a chair not ergonomically designed
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,277 for extended subathons, loser!
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322 A better reality awaits!
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658 <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,744 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa</i>
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,582 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,251 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,669 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,922 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,465 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,716 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,761 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,763 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,847 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home.</i>
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,516 {\an8}<i>People are stupid and confusing.</i>
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,476 {\an8}<i>Why are there so many types of nipples?</i>
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}<i>Just settle on one size and shape of nipple</i>
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,688 {\an8}<i>so I can pass my figure drawing class!</i>
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,323 Pupa.
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661 Ah.
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168 Keep it up, old guy.
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:08,586 Once we get all those yard bucks,
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,963 I can pay off my debts
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,339 and maybe even have enough left over
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,800 to buy a little homestead by the tire swing
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302 where Terry popped his eye out trying to do a Jackass.
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,514 You got that right.
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,350 Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,062 Awww, yeah.
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,440 Shit, thought I cured that.
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198 What the fuck are you doin' here?
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,576 {\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice I was hiding in there.
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,369 {\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking a look a couple times.
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,538 {\an8}Oh, he did, did he?
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,623 {\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,375 {\an8}Don't feel like you have to fart less on my behalf.
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,085 {\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545 {\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,714 {\an8}And for your information, that is not farting,
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,382 {\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,343 You don't understand, my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,095 What are you talkin' about? I just saw him.
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,682 {\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up on a lizard and killed him.
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,893 {\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,603 {\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,229 {\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,564 like its bones were optional?
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,566 Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,902 {\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard. - The singer?
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,112 {\an8}No, people call him that because his name is Richard,
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,072 {\an8}- and he's little now. - But we're all little.
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:19,991 {\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,826 {\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,828 {\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,167 I'll deliver you to the little village
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,668 {\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:33,463 {\an8}It smells like dead raccoon, but you'll be safe, okay?
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,215 {\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,424 {\an8}You already have.
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,009 {\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:42,555 Oh, it really is the seat!
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,057 Nah, that one was me.
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,727 {\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,811 {\an8}I just got the greatest
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,396 {\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,690 {\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince needs more money.
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,400 {\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,027 {\an8}Korvo, you are never going to believe this,
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,364 {\an8}but we have finally become MeUndies Power Bottoms!
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,033 {\an8}Sound the ancient horn and light the ancestral fires!
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,077 {\an8}Today, we are the princes.
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,328 {\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,372 {\an8}It means we bought so many pairs of MeUndies
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,249 {\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,668 {\an8}We're the white meat turkey of boxer brief subscribers!
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,044 {\an8}Hold on to your milkers
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,338 {\an8}'cause they're sending MeUndies and YouUndies
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,839 {\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,509 {\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:20,969 This is gonna be awesome!
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180 Oh, bitch, you're not going.
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974 Why can't this bitch go?
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,768 Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic sack like a freak!
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019 They don't even collab with Rihanna.
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,105 Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,148 to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,650 Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,360 Yeah, that's the point of status.
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653 Rubbing it in is half the fun,
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,113 which is why we'll be sending you pictures
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,447 to make you jealous the whole time.
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,950 Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,663 Pfft, like I care about a stupid underpants island.
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,749 Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,626 and they're not even out of the driveway!
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087 I just don't understand
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,006 why you won't let me come on the whole journey.
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,425 I've always wanted to see all of the backyard.
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,926 Yard's a dangerous place.
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,761 You've spent most of your little life sheltered.
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,221 Don't trick yourself into thinking
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,723 that you know how to survive out here.
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,641 Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,022 - Get those things off your head! - Why did you do that?
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,316 - Your earrings! Get rid of 'em! - No!
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,735 Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653 - The animals are gettin' desperate. - So?
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,989 So a hungry squirrel's attracted to shiny things.
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,532 Like those fuckin' earrings.
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:27,035 Okay, well, I didn't know that.
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,578 That's what I meant by sheltered.
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,079 I'm a quick study.
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,540 I only had to watch, like, six YouTube tutorials
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,042 - to master a cat eye. - Yeah, well,
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,085 just try not to get us killed by a cat.
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254 That doesn't even make sense.
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,384 Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,886 Wow, look at Z'ash go.
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,722 He's like the Michael Jordan of <i>Luigi's Mansion!</i>
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475 Terry and Korvo won't stop sending me pictures
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,143 from their stupid awesome vacation.
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,520 Look at their room. It's built into a cave,
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,439 and they have their own goth butler.
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,358 Why did I have to wear the wrong underwear?
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,486 Oh, my God, that's my goth ex-boyfriend Allister.
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,112 His real name is Carl, but he changed it
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,615 to better reflect the dark nature of his outfits.
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,408 Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,035 works at the MeUndies resort now.
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,746 Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,916 Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,417 an uninhabited island
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,294 where I've been dumping all my ex-boyfriends
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,754 once they get too clingy.
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,756 Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,174 Would you listen to me?
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,384 Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,635 by my ex-boyfriends,
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,678 and now I have to rescue their asses!
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:30,348 And possibly confront my heartbreaker past!
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,267 Ooh, that's a great excuse to crash their vacation.
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,852 It's not a vacation.
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,813 How FOMO blind are you?
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,815 Please let me come with you. I deserve a treat!
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483 I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,776 10 hours.
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,112 God, you are so stupid. Okay, fine. Let's go.
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451 There it is, Sandbox Town.
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204 You know, before they built it, it was just a sandbox.
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,289 And before that, a place for cats to take a shit.
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,750 One of the six wonders of the backyard!
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010 Where is everybody?
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,470 I don't know.
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,596 Keep your guard up.
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194 Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738 Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908 - Lift, lift, lift. - Wow, they really want that bottle.
00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:33,786 You got a lot of balls showing face in Sandbox Town,
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622 you roughly one-centimeter-tall piece of human garbage.
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416 Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,251 I thought that paper plane could carry us.
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881 I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216 But now I'm not kidding.
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470 I was just kidding again.
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,180 Comedy rule of twos, you know.
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,098 Look how awesome my sword is.
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,851 You totally thought I was gonna stab you, bro.
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,228 Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147 Good to see you, Anthony.
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,773 Welcome to my town.
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,442 It used to be the sandbox.
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818 Yeah, that's pretty clear.
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,197 {\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'. We have guests!
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540 Ugh!
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835 We need to be careful
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,004 to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,797 They've been abandoned here for so long
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,300 they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,386 I just sent a selfie to Terry and Korvo.
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:35,139 They're gonna be so pissed that I crashed their vacation.
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,390 They've been kidnapped!
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,642 You're the only one who isn't seeing
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,935 what's happening here.
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,649 Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,025 is on our island!
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,069 His FOMO is going to be wearing off by the second!
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,362 Quick, order us room service!
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,863 Can we get some food over here?
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,074 Look at this picture of Terry and Korvo's resort food.
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,159 They just got free moldy bread!
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,828 I gotta figure out a way to make them as jealous as I am.
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,038 Do you see any free snacks?
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,414 Did you hear that?
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,083 Wallet chain!
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132 It's Allister. Being outside of his mom's basement
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,842 for this long must be making him crazy.
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,344 We gotta get past him.
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,471 Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850 Shit, pentagram necklace!
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605 Hurry, that'll only distract him for a moment!
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,940 Two can play at this game.
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,819 Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905 Silence your phone, dumbass,
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,032 or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,410 Where do you think they do the vacation braids here?
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,579 If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,330 he's gonna dump gooblers.
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,333 Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,460 and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,920 They've learned to hunt as a pack.
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,714 We have to get out of here.
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,090 Sksksksk.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,383 See, the affirmative starts
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,260 and they have six minutes to make their case.
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221 - Grarrrrrr - Oh, no. Run!
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895 Come on, let's hide behind
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,564 the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,816 I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487 Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,114 You're the best boyfriend of all time.
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,824 Game over, Jesse.
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,826 Basketballs? I don't get it.
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,328 Are those from <i>NBA2K?</i>
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385 The Pupa buried that bottle of Maker's Mark
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,012 with Little Buddy last year.
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,847 That guy was a real bad influence.
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,016 You've really found a new life here, Tony.
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,643 We're all just grains of sand,
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,978 passing through fingers, tickling toes,
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,814 a couple of grains getting stuck around the labia flaps.
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,650 When you become one with the sand,
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,401 you truly find yourself.
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,653 So what are you gonna do
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,363 with the bottle once you get it out?
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,239 <i>Nada.</i> That's nothing in Mexican.
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,325 That's a lot of work for nothin'.
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,911 We've already removed the plastic shovels and candy wrappers.
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,746 Once we get that bottle out,
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:07,166 the sand will finally be at peace.
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,543 Mm, this place is great.
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754 Plus, this food is amazing!
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,965 Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,388 Hey, something weird's going on around here, right?
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,306 Yeah, usually hippies dive into
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,350 an orgy way faster than this.
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,643 They're harmless.
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,936 So you love sand, huh?
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,480 Oh, yeah. I-I could talk about it at length.
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,898 Hmm, please do.
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360 Where are we?
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,904 Look, boys, the princess is awake.
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740 Z'ash, I can't believe you would do this to me.
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,243 I changed your diapers during your <i>Destiny</i> raids.
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245 Did Krota mean nothing to you?
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,997 The eSports boyfriend that you knew as Z'ash
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,249 was just a fiction,
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,335 a ploy to distract you into complacency.
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,630 In reality, I am, and have always been,
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,298 Splash Mondoon,
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,551 your regular sports boyfriend.
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,429 I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,514 No wonder you were so bad at <i>Destiny 2.</i>
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,558 I planned all of this to get back at you
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,519 for abandoning me and your dumb other exes on this cursed island.
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,479 I used my rowing techniques to escape,
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,065 then lured you here with my general sports charisma.
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,193 Now you know how it feels to be trapped by a lover.
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,529 Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,157 Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,867 Yeah, but even half paying attention,
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,578 why are these exes so heightened and specific?
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,748 Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208 <i>At school, I was having a hard time</i>
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,793 <i>finding my own identity.</i>
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,045 <i>All the other girls in my class have distinct personalities,</i>
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:37,882 <i>and I'm just a boring old space alien.</i>
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842 <i>So I used a device on the ship</i>
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596 <i>to 3D print flesh hunks coded with hyper-specific interests,</i>
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,223 <i>then I dated them so I could adopt their personalities.</i>
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,725 <i>But that didn't work, did it?</i>
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,268 <i>No. I kept getting bored</i>
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,854 <i>and ashamed of being such a poser with each guy,</i>
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,272 <i>so instead of breaking up with them,</i>
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,648 <i>I threw them away on this island</i>
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,275 <i>and started from scratch.</i>
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,194 Jesse. Oh, my God. - I know!
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,446 I love 'em, leave 'em, and never retrieve 'em.
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,948 Our cave is twice as big as Terry and Korvo's.
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,200 That is so lit.
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243 Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,120 to troubling real quick.
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,581 Well, I'm glad you can finally admit what you did, Jesse.
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,750 It was cruel of you to use us and then lose us.
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,543 I know and I'm sorry.
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,003 Just let my family go, Splash.
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,588 They don't deserve this.
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,132 Uh, I'm gonna have to give you a red card on that one, chief.
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,885 We're gonna leave you and your family to rot in this cave.
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,303 And after that, we're going to move into your house
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305 so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,682 Yumyulack's room is bigger.
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,810 That whiny little pussy must have gotten upgraded!
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,437 Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have all these bats? Huh?
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,647 Send him a picture of those.
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279 Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,948 Yummy Eric Bana.
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,866 I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,618 Are you stoned?
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792 Hmm.
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601 A-ha! I knew it.
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,353 [gasps] What're you doing here?
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,063 You're using these mushrooms
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,983 to drug your people into zonked-out hippies.
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,985 What? No. These are shiitake.
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,738 I know magic mushrooms grow in a shit-positive environment,
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866 that's why this hole smells like ass.
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,617 Okay, fine, you're right.
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,744 The backyard is a terrifying place to live
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:34,206 and the psilocybin, it helps us become one with the sand.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,250 And also we have killer orgies.
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,918 Bullshit! If it was all good,
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,503 then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,797 I'm gonna tell the truth and let your people decide
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,924 if they like tripping balls all day.
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,135 - Aah! - You like truth, huh? Fine.
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:49,179 I need these people stoned so they keep digging.
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:50,681 All this for sand?
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,142 I don't care about the stupid sand.
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,185 What I want is the bottle.
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,770 When I get that whiskey,
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:59,648 I'm going to corner the market on booze in the backyard.
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,442 I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,110 I can leave all these dummies behind
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,486 and move to Basketballburgh
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,363 where I can buy my way into the elite.
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,782 So you're just gonna abandon these people?
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,075 Of course, I am.
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,577 Rich people can do whatever they want.
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,412 Not if I tell them what you're up to.
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,997 Uh, yeah, about that.
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,749 Remember my awesome sword?
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,833 I'm gonna kill you with it.
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631 You got shit in my eyes!
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,133 Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303 Sorry, Yum. If I just had confidence in who I was,
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680 I wouldn't have had to make all those fake boyfriends
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,307 and none of this would've happened.
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,558 We almost have an ocean view.
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,185 I don't need to get an identity
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,728 from ship-printed boyfriends.
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,063 I just have to be myself,
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,023 and then the power of my true personality
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,651 will overcome these boyfriends and they'll release me.
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,110 Hey, Splash.
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,278 What do you want?
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,696 This is the real me.
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,074 I like my family. I love to sleep in.
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,785 Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings from Applebee's
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,370 and said it was 'cause they were cold,
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,413 but I just regretted ordering them.
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,165 That's the real Jesse.
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,333 Now you know.
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,171 Nice try. That was just a list of boring traits.
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,507 Teenagers don't develop real personalities
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,550 until they get in their 20s.
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,720 Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,307 No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,476 We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,436 Will Hulu even exist then?
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,563 Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,107 Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,483 to use an ad hominem attack.
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,110 What? No way, you-you can't do that.
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903 Ah!
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,325 Wait, don't you wanna hear me establish my assertion
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,827 with evidence and logic?
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538 Stop them!
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587 Gavin, we gotta go.
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,507 Just disco fries, please. I hide the key in my armpit.
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,009 Come on, big guy, wake up.
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,098 You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029 Wh-where are we?
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,822 I need you to get your head on straight.
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,032 Anthony is--
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999 What's going on?
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,877 This bottle belongs to all the sand people.
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,879 It could change their lives.
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134 With that thinking, you'll never survive in the backyard.
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,804 Wow, that sword really is cool.
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432 - Where did you buy it? - Buy it?
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,059 I made this by hand.
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,395 Unlike you, I've had to scratch and claw my own way
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813 through this godforsaken yard.
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,648 Wow, tell me more.
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,318 I made it from the nail file part of some clippers,
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,403 and the handle is a piece of sticker.
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,989 I once heard that having something shiny
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,658 in the backyard is a really bad idea.
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288 No, no.
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,234 That's right. I control the sand.
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365 - Get out of there. - No.
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,991 I've got this!
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329 I'm the master of the sand!
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251 Let's get the fuck out of here
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,460 before he springs out of the sand.
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,629 I have seen too many of those kind of movies.
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303 Hashtag cardio life.
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,471 I'll never beat these boys
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,223 without a real personality.
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,433 I need life experience fast.
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,726 Maybe I can date a vegan
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,311 or travel to Belize for one month
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,771 and make it my whole thing.
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,606 But that's still so basic.
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,900 Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111 Why does it do that? Just post already.
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446 Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,282 Uh, what the hell is going on?
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,284 When did we end up on a cliff? What day is it?
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578 I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,038 and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,083 I may be basic, but now I'm basic with this.
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,293 You bought a car?
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,752 That's the one thing that simulates
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,963 an identity in teens! Yech.
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,716 That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,426 in clinical blue.
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,636 My credit journey starts today.
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,014 You have more personality than anyone in your grade.
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,849 Why is this happening to me?
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,935 The more interesting I get, the weaker you become.
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,896 I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,398 and be a designated driver, bitch.
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,567 Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871 Ugh.
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,331 How long is this going to take?
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,874 We're starting to sober up.
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,751 This will just take a minute, Stacis.
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,628 And then we can go back to being popular.
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,630 {\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,132 {\an8}Turn me up, queen.
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928 Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,932 You'll be safe here. These are your people.
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,564 to your natural habitats.
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,317 Because I have a car.
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569 Jesse rules!
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,404 Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,073 and disappoint our stepdads.
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,532 Whoo-hoo!
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410 Wow, what a day.
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,913 We saved the boyfriends, confronted my past,
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,748 and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,083 I can't believe they thought
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,834 they were on a vacation the whole time.
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,294 What a couple of dipshits.
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:56,964 Wait a minute, did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,049 Yeah, right? I thought we did.
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551 Didn't Terry make us those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,678 I made those.
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,929 Ah, geez.
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100 Oh, man. I've never felt this relaxed in my life.
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,228 Best wellness retreat ever.
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147 Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,276 Yum's gonna be so jealous...
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155 How are you feeling?
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,615 Like shit.
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826 I'm glad you trusted your gut,
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,370 or we'd be stoned and digging in sand right now.
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:29,746 Huh.
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,124 Maybe you do have what it takes to make it out here.
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,667 I still have a lot to learn.
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,544 Like, I can't believe that even after
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,170 we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,298 they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,716 and worshiping the sand.
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,551 Ah, I guess we all have
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,344 to find some way to be happy.
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,934 Tell me where they went.
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:53,895 - I told you I don't know. - Just like the rest of 'em.
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481 You're no use to me.

00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383 {\an8}[school bell rings]
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510 Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,012 or we'll miss the new <i>Drew Barrymore Show.</i>
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,265 Drew's having a reunion with the bicycle from <i>E.T.</i>
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,350 The first time she did coke was right off the seat.
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,601 No can do, Yum.
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,311 My new boyfriend's pro <i>Call of Duty</i> team
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,064 has a match against the New Brunswick Acid Lions today.
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,649 I have to be here to show support.
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734 Ugh, you're such a bot.
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,943 You're only into eSports
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,445 because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281 Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash when he was just an Affiliate.
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,992 Plus, he's played all the <i>Horizon Zero Dawn</i> DLC,
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,994 so he knows how to respect women.
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,121 Weren't you just dating the debate captain?
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,331 And before that, some emo douche?
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,584 You're really tossing out the boy toys, Jesse.
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,586 You sure this isn't about you and not them?
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,463 [motor rumbling]
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589 'Sup, @Jesse?
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,049 Z'ash has entered the chat.
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,052 Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,804 People come to the Oasis for all the things they can do,
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:57,098 but they stay for all the things they can be.
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,558 What does that even mean?
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,478 Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,022 Let the hunt for Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,233 Have fun going home in a chair not ergonomically designed
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,277 for extended subathons, loser!
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322 A better reality awaits!
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658 [Korvo] <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,744 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa</i>
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,582 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,251 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,669 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,922 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,465 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,716 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,761 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,763 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,847 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home.</i>
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,516 {\an8}<i>People are stupid and confusing.</i>
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,476 {\an8}<i>Why are there so many types of nipples?</i>
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}<i>Just settle on one size and shape of nipple</i>
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,688 {\an8}<i>so I can pass my figure drawing class!</i>
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:48,858 [♪ dramatic music playing]
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,323 Pupa.
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,033 [JK Sevens beeps, dings]
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661 Ah.
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,121 [JK Sevens beeping]
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:05,166 [♪ dramatic music]
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168 Keep it up, old guy.
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:08,586 Once we get all those yard bucks,
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,963 I can pay off my debts
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,339 and maybe even have enough left over
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,800 to buy a little homestead by the tire swing
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302 where Terry popped his eye out trying to do a Jackass.
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,470 [Hedgey squeaks]
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,514 {\an8}[laughs] You got that right.
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,598 {\an8}[sighs]
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,350 Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,434 [unzips]
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,519 [urinating]
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,062 Awww, yeah.
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,689 [Sofia sneezes]
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,440 Shit, thought I cured that.
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,817 [Sofia sneezes]
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,155 - [Sofia screams] - [grunts]
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198 What the fuck are you doin' here?
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,576 {\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice I was hiding in there.
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,369 {\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking a look a couple times.
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,538 {\an8}- Oh, he did, did he? - [squeaks]
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,623 {\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,375 {\an8}Don't feel like you have to fart less on my behalf.
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,085 {\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545 {\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,714 {\an8}And for your information, that is not farting,
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,382 {\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,343 You don't understand, my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,095 What are you talkin' about? I just saw him.
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,682 {\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up on a lizard and killed him.
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,893 {\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,603 {\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,229 {\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,564 like its bones were optional?
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,566 Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,902 {\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard. - The singer?
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,112 {\an8}No, people call him that because his name is Richard,
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,072 {\an8}- and he's little now. - But we're all little.
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:19,991 {\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,826 {\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,828 {\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:25,872 [Sofia sobbing]
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,582 [sighs]
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,167 I'll deliver you to the little village
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,668 {\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:33,463 {\an8}It smells like dead raccoon, but you'll be safe, okay?
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,215 {\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,424 {\an8}You already have.
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,009 {\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:40,511 [Gavin farts]
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:42,555 [Sofia] Oh, it really is the seat!
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,057 [Gavin] Nah, that one was me.
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,309 [♪ gentle music playing]
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,727 {\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,811 {\an8}I just got the greatest
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,396 {\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,690 {\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince needs more money.
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,400 {\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,027 {\an8}Korvo, you are never going to believe this,
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,364 {\an8}but we have finally become MeUndies Power Bottoms!
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,033 {\an8}Sound the ancient horn and light the ancestral fires!
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,077 {\an8}Today, we are the princes.
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,328 {\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,372 {\an8}It means we bought so many pairs of MeUndies
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,249 {\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,668 {\an8}We're the white meat turkey of boxer brief subscribers!
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,044 {\an8}Hold on to your milkers
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,338 {\an8}'cause they're sending MeUndies and YouUndies
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,839 {\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,509 {\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:20,969 This is gonna be awesome!
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,762 - [Korvo spits] - [Terry and Korvo laugh]
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180 Oh, bitch, you're not going.
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974 Why can't this bitch go?
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,768 Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic sack like a freak!
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019 They don't even collab with Rihanna.
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,105 Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,148 to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,650 Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,360 Yeah, that's the point of status.
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653 Rubbing it in is half the fun,
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,113 which is why we'll be sending you pictures
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,447 to make you jealous the whole time.
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,950 Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,743 [Terry and Korvo laughing]
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,663 Pfft, like I care about a stupid underpants island.
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:49,831 [phone dings]
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,749 Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,626 and they're not even out of the driveway!
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087 I just don't understand
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,006 why you won't let me come on the whole journey.
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,425 I've always wanted to see all of the backyard.
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,926 Yard's a dangerous place.
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,761 You've spent most of your little life sheltered.
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,221 Don't trick yourself into thinking
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,723 that you know how to survive out here.
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,641 Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,809 [earring sparkles]
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,811 - [gasps] - [both grunt]
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,022 - Get those things off your head! - Why did you do that?
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,316 - Your earrings! Get rid of 'em! - No!
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,735 - [Hedgey squeaks] - Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653 - The animals are gettin' desperate. - So?
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,989 So a hungry squirrel's attracted to shiny things.
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,532 Like those fuckin' earrings.
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:27,035 Okay, well, I didn't know that.
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,578 That's what I meant by sheltered.
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,079 I'm a quick study.
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,540 I only had to watch, like, six YouTube tutorials
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,042 - to master a cat eye. - Yeah, well,
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,085 just try not to get us killed by a cat.
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254 [Sofia] [grumbling] That doesn't even make sense.
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,465 [squirrel chittering]
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,384 Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,886 Wow, look at Z'ash go.
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,722 He's like the Michael Jordan of <i>Luigi's Mansion!</i>
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475 Terry and Korvo won't stop sending me pictures
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,143 from their stupid awesome vacation.
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,520 Look at their room. It's built into a cave,
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,439 and they have their own goth butler.
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,358 Why did I have to wear the wrong underwear?
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,486 Oh, my God, that's my goth ex-boyfriend Allister.
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,112 His real name is Carl, but he changed it
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,615 to better reflect the dark nature of his outfits.
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,408 Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,035 works at the MeUndies resort now.
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,746 Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,916 Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,417 an uninhabited island
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,294 where I've been dumping all my ex-boyfriends
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,754 once they get too clingy.
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,756 Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,174 Would you listen to me?
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,384 Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,635 by my ex-boyfriends,
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,678 and now I have to rescue their asses!
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:30,348 And possibly confront my heartbreaker past!
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,267 Ooh, that's a great excuse to crash their vacation.
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,852 It's not a vacation.
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,813 How FOMO blind are you?
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,815 Please let me come with you. I deserve a treat!
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483 I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,776 10 hours.
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,112 God, you are so stupid. Okay, fine. Let's go.
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,490 [cart rattling]
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451 There it is, Sandbox Town.
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204 You know, before they built it, it was just a sandbox.
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,289 And before that, a place for cats to take a shit.
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,750 [Sofia] One of the six wonders of the backyard!
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,711 [♪ mellow Western music]
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010 Where is everybody?
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,470 I don't know.
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,596 Keep your guard up.
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,105 [creaking]
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194 {\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738 {\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908 - Lift, lift, lift. - Wow, they really want that bottle.
00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:33,786 You got a lot of balls showing face in Sandbox Town,
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622 you roughly one-centimeter-tall piece of human garbage.
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416 Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,251 I thought that paper plane could carry us.
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881 I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216 But now I'm not kidding.
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470 [laughs] I was just kidding again.
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,180 Comedy rule of twos, you know.
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,098 Look how awesome my sword is.
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,851 You totally thought I was gonna stab you, bro.
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,228 Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147 [chuckles nervously] Good to see you, Anthony.
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,773 Welcome to my town.
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,442 It used to be the sandbox.
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818 Yeah, that's pretty clear.
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,197 {\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'. We have guests!
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,032 {\an8}[crowd cheering]
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,244 [camera clicking]
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540 Ugh!
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835 We need to be careful
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,004 to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,797 They've been abandoned here for so long
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,300 they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,386 [laughing] I just sent a selfie to Terry and Korvo.
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:35,139 They're gonna be so pissed that I crashed their vacation.
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,390 They've been kidnapped!
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,642 You're the only one who isn't seeing
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,935 what's happening here.
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,853 [growling softly]
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,772 [phone dings]
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,649 Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,025 is on our island!
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,069 His FOMO is going to be wearing off by the second!
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,362 Quick, order us room service!
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,863 Can we get some food over here?
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,074 Look at this picture of Terry and Korvo's resort food.
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,159 They just got free moldy bread!
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,828 I gotta figure out a way to make them as jealous as I am.
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,038 Do you see any free snacks?
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,414 Did you hear that?
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,083 - [chain clinking] - Wallet chain!
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,627 [Allister groaning]
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132 It's Allister. Being outside of his mom's basement
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,842 for this long must be making him crazy.
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,344 We gotta get past him.
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,471 - [phone dings] - Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,847 [Allister growls]
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850 Shit, pentagram necklace!
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,477 [Allister growls]
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605 Hurry, that'll only distract him for a moment!
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,940 Two can play at this game.
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,819 Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905 - [phone dings] - Silence your phone, dumbass,
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,032 or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,410 Where do you think they do the vacation braids here?
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,579 If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,330 he's gonna dump gooblers.
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,333 Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,460 and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,920 They've learned to hunt as a pack.
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,714 We have to get out of here.
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,090 Sksksksk.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,383 See, the affirmative starts
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,260 and they have six minutes to make their case.
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221 - Grarrrrrr - Oh, no. Run!
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,890 [Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,434 - [Jesse grunts] - [both screaming]
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895 [Jesse] Come on, let's hide behind
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,564 the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,816 I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487 Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,114 You're the best boyfriend of all time.
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,824 Game over, Jesse.
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,826 Basketballs? I don't get it.
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,328 Are those from <i>NBA2K?</i>
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,495 - [Jesse groans] - [Yumyulack yelps]
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,252 [♪ exotic music playing]
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:31,088 ♪
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385 The Pupa buried that bottle of Maker's Mark
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,012 with Little Buddy last year.
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,847 That guy was a real bad influence.
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,016 You've really found a new life here, Tony.
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,643 We're all just grains of sand,
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,978 passing through fingers, tickling toes,
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,814 a couple of grains getting stuck around the labia flaps.
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,650 When you become one with the sand,
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,401 you truly find yourself.
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,653 So what are you gonna do
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,363 with the bottle once you get it out?
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,239 <i>Nada.</i> That's nothing in Mexican.
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,325 [laughs] That's a lot of work for nothin'.
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,911 We've already removed the plastic shovels and candy wrappers.
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,746 Once we get that bottle out,
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:07,166 the sand will finally be at peace.
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,543 Mm, this place is great.
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754 Plus, this food is amazing!
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,965 Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,260 [rapturous groaning]
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,388 Hey, something weird's going on around here, right?
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,306 Yeah, usually hippies dive into
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,350 an orgy way faster than this.
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,643 They're harmless.
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,936 So you love sand, huh?
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,480 Oh, yeah. I-I could talk about it at length.
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,898 [Gavin] Hmm, please do.
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360 [moans] Where are we?
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,904 Look, boys, the princess is awake.
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740 Z'ash, I can't believe you would do this to me.
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,243 I changed your diapers during your <i>Destiny</i> raids.
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245 Did Krota mean nothing to you?
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,997 The eSports boyfriend that you knew as Z'ash
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,249 was just a fiction,
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,335 a ploy to distract you into complacency.
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,630 In reality, I am, and have always been,
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,298 Splash Mondoon,
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,551 your regular sports boyfriend.
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,429 I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,514 No wonder you were so bad at <i>Destiny 2.</i>
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,558 I planned all of this to get back at you
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,519 for abandoning me and your dumb other exes on this cursed island.
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,479 I used my rowing techniques to escape,
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,065 then lured you here with my general sports charisma.
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,193 Now you know how it feels to be trapped by a lover.
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,529 Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,157 Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,867 Yeah, but even half paying attention,
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,578 why are these exes so heightened and specific?
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,748 Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208 <i>At school, I was having a hard time</i>
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,793 <i>finding my own identity.</i>
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,045 <i>All the other girls in my class have distinct personalities,</i>
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:37,882 <i>and I'm just a boring old space alien.</i>
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842 <i>So I used a device on the ship</i>
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596 <i>to 3D print flesh hunks coded with hyper-specific interests,</i>
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,223 <i>then I dated them so I could adopt their personalities.</i>
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,725 [Splash] <i>But that didn't work, did it?</i>
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,268 [Jesse] <i>No. I kept getting bored</i>
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,854 <i>and ashamed of being such a poser with each guy,</i>
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,272 <i>so instead of breaking up with them,</i>
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,648 <i>I threw them away on this island</i>
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,275 <i>and started from scratch.</i>
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,194 - [Yumyulack] Jesse. Oh, my God. - I know!
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,446 I love 'em, leave 'em, and never retrieve 'em.
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,948 Our cave is twice as big as Terry and Korvo's.
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,200 That is so lit.
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243 Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,120 to troubling real quick.
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,581 Well, I'm glad you can finally admit what you did, Jesse.
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,750 It was cruel of you to use us and then lose us.
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,543 I know and I'm sorry.
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,003 Just let my family go, Splash.
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,588 They don't deserve this.
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,132 Uh, I'm gonna have to give you a red card on that one, chief.
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,885 We're gonna leave you and your family to rot in this cave.
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,303 And after that, we're going to move into your house
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305 so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,682 - [phone beeps] - Yumyulack's room is bigger.
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,810 That whiny little pussy must have gotten upgraded!
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,437 Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have all these bats? Huh?
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,647 Send him a picture of those.
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,816 [bats squealing]
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279 Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,948 [mumbling] Yummy Eric Bana.
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,866 I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,618 Are you stoned?
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792 Hmm.
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:59,588 ♪
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,137 [gags, gasps]
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601 A-ha! I knew it.
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,353 [Anthony] [gasps] What're you doing here?
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,063 You're using these mushrooms
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,983 to drug your people into zonked-out hippies.
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,985 What? No. These are shiitake.
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,738 I know magic mushrooms grow in a shit-positive environment,
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866 that's why this hole smells like ass.
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,617 Okay, fine, you're right.
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,744 The backyard is a terrifying place to live
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:34,206 and the psilocybin, it helps us become one with the sand.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,250 And also we have killer orgies.
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,918 Bullshit! If it was all good,
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,503 then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,797 I'm gonna tell the truth and let your people decide
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,924 if they like tripping balls all day.
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,135 - Aah! - You like truth, huh? Fine.
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:49,179 I need these people stoned so they keep digging.
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:50,681 All this for sand?
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,142 I don't care about the stupid sand.
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,185 What I want is the bottle.
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,770 When I get that whiskey,
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:59,648 I'm going to corner the market on booze in the backyard.
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,442 I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,110 I can leave all these dummies behind
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,486 and move to Basketballburgh
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,363 where I can buy my way into the elite.
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,782 So you're just gonna abandon these people?
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,075 Of course, I am.
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,577 Rich people can do whatever they want.
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,412 Not if I tell them what you're up to.
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,997 Uh, yeah, about that.
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,749 Remember my awesome sword?
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,833 I'm gonna kill you with it.
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,668 - [sword swishes] - [Sofia yelps]
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631 You got shit in my eyes!
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,133 Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303 Sorry, Yum. If I just had confidence in who I was,
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680 I wouldn't have had to make all those fake boyfriends
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,307 and none of this would've happened.
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,558 We almost have an ocean view.
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,185 I don't need to get an identity
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,728 from ship-printed boyfriends.
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,063 I just have to be myself,
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,023 and then the power of my true personality
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,651 will overcome these boyfriends and they'll release me.
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,110 Hey, Splash.
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,278 - What do you want? - [Allister groans]
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,696 This is the real me.
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,074 I like my family. I love to sleep in.
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,785 Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings from Applebee's
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,370 and said it was 'cause they were cold,
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,413 but I just regretted ordering them.
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,165 That's the real Jesse.
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,333 Now you know.
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,543 [laughs]
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,171 Nice try. That was just a list of boring traits.
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,507 Teenagers don't develop real personalities
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,550 until they get in their 20s.
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,720 Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,307 No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,476 We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,436 Will Hulu even exist then?
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,563 Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,107 Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,483 to use an ad hominem attack.
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,110 What? No way, you-you can't do that.
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903 Ah! [groans]
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,115 [Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,325 Wait, don't you wanna hear me establish my assertion
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,827 with evidence and logic?
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538 - Stop them! - [blowing whistle]
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,581 [Jesse screaming]
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587 Gavin, we gotta go.
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,507 Just disco fries, please. I hide the key in my armpit.
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,009 Come on, big guy, wake up.
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,218 [Gavin groaning]
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,804 [♪ intense music]
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,098 You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029 Wh-where are we?
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,822 I need you to get your head on straight.
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,032 - Anthony is-- - [Anthony grunts]
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,950 [Anthony and Sofia scream]
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,118 [Sofia groans]
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,497 [both grunting]
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999 What's going on?
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,877 This bottle belongs to all the sand people.
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,879 It could change their lives.
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134 With that thinking, you'll never survive in the backyard.
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,510 - [sword sparkles] - [squirrel growling]
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,804 Wow, that sword really is cool.
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432 - Where did you buy it? - Buy it? [scoffs]
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,059 I made this by hand.
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,395 Unlike you, I've had to scratch and claw my own way
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813 through this godforsaken yard.
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,648 Wow, tell me more.
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,318 I made it from the nail file part of some clippers,
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,403 and the handle is a piece of sticker.
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,989 I once heard that having something shiny
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,658 in the backyard is a really bad idea.
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,285 - [squirrel screeching] - [gasps]
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288 No, no. [yells]
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,248 [growling]
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,504 [♪ dramatic music]
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,838 [sword swishing]
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,344 [rumbling]
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:19,515 [thud]
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,350 [screeches]
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186 [roars]
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:27,356 [Anthony laughing]
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,234 That's right. I control the sand.
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,443 [wood creaking]
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365 - Get out of there. - No.
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,991 I've got this!
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329 I'm the master of the sand!
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:43,914 [screaming]
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251 Let's get the fuck out of here
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,460 before he springs out of the sand.
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,629 I have seen too many of those kind of movies.
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,006 [all grunting]
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,300 ♪
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303 Hashtag cardio life.
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,471 I'll never beat these boys
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,223 without a real personality.
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,433 I need life experience fast.
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,726 Maybe I can date a vegan
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,311 or travel to Belize for one month
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,771 and make it my whole thing.
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,606 But that's still so basic.
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,900 Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111 Why does it do that? Just post already.
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446 Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,282 Uh, what the hell is going on?
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,284 When did we end up on a cliff? What day is it?
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578 I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,038 and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,083 I may be basic, but now I'm basic with this.
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,293 You bought a car?
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,752 That's the one thing that simulates
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,963 an identity in teens! Yech.
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,716 That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,426 in clinical blue.
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,636 My credit journey starts today.
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,014 You have more personality than anyone in your grade.
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,849 Why is this happening to me?
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,935 The more interesting I get, the weaker you become.
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,896 I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,398 and be a designated driver, bitch.
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,567 Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,278 [Splash yells]
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,908 [♪ triumphant crescendo]
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871 - [tires squeal] - [girl] Ugh.
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,331 How long is this going to take?
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,874 We're starting to sober up.
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,751 This will just take a minute, Stacis.
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,628 And then we can go back to being popular.
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,630 {\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,132 {\an8}Turn me up, queen.
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928 Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,429 [groaning]
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,932 You'll be safe here. These are your people.
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,434 [Allister groans]
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,564 to your natural habitats.
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,317 Because I have a car.
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569 - [girls cheer] - Jesse rules!
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,404 Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,073 and disappoint our stepdads.
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,532 Whoo-hoo!
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410 [Jesse] Wow, what a day.
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,913 We saved the boyfriends, confronted my past,
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,748 and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,083 I can't believe they thought
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,834 they were on a vacation the whole time.
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,294 What a couple of dipshits.
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:56,964 Wait a minute, did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,049 Yeah, right? I thought we did.
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551 Didn't Terry make us those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,678 I made those.
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,929 Ah, geez.
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100 Oh, man. I've never felt this relaxed in my life.
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,228 Best wellness retreat ever.
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147 Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,276 Yum's gonna be so jealous...
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155 How are you feeling?
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,615 Like shit.
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826 I'm glad you trusted your gut,
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,370 or we'd be stoned and digging in sand right now.
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:29,746 Huh.
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,124 Maybe you do have what it takes to make it out here.
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,667 I still have a lot to learn.
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,544 Like, I can't believe that even after
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,170 we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,298 they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,716 and worshiping the sand.
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,551 [Gavin] Ah, I guess we all have
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,344 to find some way to be happy.
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,141 [groaning]
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,934 [bounty hunter] Tell me where they went.
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:53,895 - I told you I don't know. - Just like the rest of 'em.
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481 You're no use to me.
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,821 [lizard growls]
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:12,622 [♪ thrilling music]
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,713 [♪ dramatic theme]
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:02,672 [mimicking laser fire]

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