Остров бывших
Описание
Корво и Терри побеждают в некоем конкурсе и получают путёвку на тропический остров. Джесси быстро понимает, что это ловушка. Этот остров населён её бывшими парнями, которых она сама себе создавала, чтобы казаться интересной. Когда же они ей надоедали, она сплавляла их на необитаемый остров. Тем временем во дворе Гэвин и София достигают поселение, находящееся рядом с песочницей. Его жители нашли в песочнице бутылку виски и теперь пытаются откопать её. Работами руководит Энтони. Софии удаётся вывести его на чистую воду. Энтони затуманивает разум жителям галлюциногенными грибами, а бутылку виски собирается впоследствии присвоить себе.
Субтитры
rus__Rus.srt
rus__Rus.srt
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ТАНЦЫ ИЗ ТИК-ТОКА ЗАПРЕЩЕНЫ,
ПОКА СУД НЕ РАЗРЕШИТСЯ
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Пойдём, а то пропустим
новый выпуск «Шоу Дрю Бэрримор»!
00:00:12,020 --> 00:00:15,390
Они снова встречаются
с велосипедом из «Инопланетянина»!
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,430
Впервые она занюхнула кокс с его сиденья!
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,510
Не могу, Ям.
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:23,060
У команды по Call of Duty моего нового парня
матч против команды New Brunswick Acid Lions.
00:00:23,070 --> 00:00:24,650
Я должна его поддержать.
00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:28,440
Тебе нравится киберспорт,
только потому что твой мужик партнёр Твитча.
00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:31,280
Мне Зэш нравился, ещё когда был компаньоном.
00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:33,990
А ещё он прошёл
все дополнения Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,990
так что он уважает женщин!
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Ты же встречалась с капитаном по дебатам.
00:00:38,130 --> 00:00:40,330
А до него с каким-то эмарём-мудаком.
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Джесси, ты меняешь парней, как перчатки.
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Ты думаешь не о них, а только о себе.
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Хай, Джесси. Зэш вошёл в чат.
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Ты даже в реале интернетный! Мне нравится.
00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:54,800
Люди приходят в «Оазис»
ради возможности что-то сделать,
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но остаются, потому что могут кем-то стать.
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Я даже не понял, чего ты снёс.
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Увези меня на моём геймерском пре-стуле!
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Начнём искать пасхалки Холлидея!
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А ты, лошара, поедешь домой не на удобном стуле
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для стрим-марафонов!
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Нас ждёт лучшая реальность!
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Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной,
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пока на неё не грохнулся астероид...
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Сотне взрослых особей и их репликантам
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выдали по пупе и отправили в космос
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на поиски необитаемого мира, нашего нового дома.
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Мы рухнули на Землю,
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планету, кишащую людьми.
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Да, да, это мой голос.
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Я держу Пупу.
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Меня зовут Корво. Это мой сериал.
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Я уронил Пупу, видите?
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Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю!
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Отстойная планета!
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Люди тупые и странные.
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Нахрена у них столько разных сосков?
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Пусть они будут одинаковые,
а то я заваливаю рисование фигур!
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СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ
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Пупа.
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Давай, старичок.
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Получим наши деньги, я расплачусь с долгами
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и, может,
даже останется на ферму возле шины-качели,
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на которой
Терри пытался подражать «Чудакам» и потерял глаз.
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Всё правильно.
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Подожди, я схожу отолью.
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О да!
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Чёрт, я думал, вылечился от них.
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Какого хера ты тут делаешь?
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Удивительно, что вы меня не заметили.
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Ёжик вот видел, как я выглядываю.
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Ах, вот оно что.
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Теперь можно сесть спереди.
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Но можете не сдерживать пердёж ради меня.
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Я тебя не повезу. Иди назад в Сточновилль.
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И кстати, между прочим,
это не пердёж, это сиденье так скрипит.
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Вы не понимаете, моего дядю Оскара убили.
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В смысле «убили»? Я его видел.
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Охотник за головами
приехал на ящерице и убил его.
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Он и меня убьёт, если я вернусь.
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Я, кажется, знаю его.
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Ящерица извивалась, будто у неё нет костей?
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Да, извивалась.
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Чёрт, это Литл Ричард.
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Певец?
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Нет, просто его зовут Ричард,
а Литл значит «маленький».
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Но мы все маленькие.
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Слушай, я задолжал кучу бабла.
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Меня явно заказали,
но случайно досталось и твоему дяде.
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Я отвезу тебя в деревушку внутри черепа енота.
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Воняет дохлым енотом, но зато там тебя не тронут.
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Я вас не задержку, обещаю.
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Ты уже задержала.
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Но я знаю, где можно срезать.
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И правда сиденье!
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Не, это уже я.
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Так, всем внимание!
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Мне пришёл самый охренительный имейл!
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Опять этому итальянскому принцу нужны деньги?
Вряд ли он станет королём.
00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:55,781
Корво, ты не поверишь,
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но мы наконец стали
доминирующими боттомами «Миандис»!
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Дуй в древний горн и зажигай пламя предков!
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Сегодня мы принцы!
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А что за боттомы?
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Это значит, мы купили у них так много трусов,
что получили статус «ультра-алмаз».
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,660
Мы белая индюшатина мира трусов!
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А теперь готовься.
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Ведь нас с тобой
отправляют в оплаченную поездку
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на остров свежих яиц Тропикрут!
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Ого, круто!
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Нет, щенок, ты не поедешь.
00:04:24,370 --> 00:04:25,970
Почему щенок не поедет?
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Ты покупаешь «Хейнс» в пакетах по 20 штук, как даун.
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:30,320
Они не сотрудничают с Рианной.
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Любитель «Хейнс» думает,
что он поедет на остров Тропикрут «Миандис».
00:04:34,150 --> 00:04:35,650
Но я тоже хочу с вами...
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Для этого и нужен статус.
00:04:37,370 --> 00:04:38,650
Хвастаться им весело.
00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:41,440
Поэтому мы будем слать тебе фото,
чтобы ты завидовал.
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:44,180
А ты сиди и тухни дома, болванчик.
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Да и насрать мне на ваш вонючий трусовый остров.
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,750
Сука, как же завидно!
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А они даже ещё не выехали!
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Почему вы не хотите взять меня в путешествие?
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Я всегда хотела повидать Задний двор.
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,920
На Заднем дворе опасно.
00:05:01,930 --> 00:05:03,880
Ты всю жизнь прожила в комфорте.
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,720
Не думай, что сможешь выжить там.
00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:09,247
Вообще-то я могу о себе позаботиться!
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:13,120
Сейчас же сними их!
00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:14,210
Вы чего делаете?
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Сними эти серёжки!
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,712
Нет!
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:18,730
Лужайку давно не поливали.
00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:20,210
Животные ищут пропитание.
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:20,650
И что?
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Голодных белок привлекают блестящие вещи,
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,679
например, твои сраные серёжки!
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Ладно, ладно, я же не знала.
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,570
Ты ничего не знаешь о Дворе.
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,080
Но я быстро учусь.
00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:33,620
Я посмотрела шесть видео на Youtube
и уже освоила «кошачий глаз».
00:05:33,630 --> 00:05:36,000
Как бы нас из-за тебя не убил реальный кот.
00:05:36,010 --> 00:05:38,401
Какая-то бессмыслица.
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,447
Пылесос. Пылесосим призраков.
Пылесосим призраков!
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Вот это Зэш нагибает!
00:05:44,890 --> 00:05:47,720
Он прямо Майкл Джордан в Luigi's Mansion!
00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:52,140
Терри и Корво всё присылают мне фотки
со своей тупой классной поездки.
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Смотри, у них номер прямо в пещере.
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И есть гот-дворецкий!
00:05:56,450 --> 00:05:58,350
Почему же я ношу неправильные трусы?
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,480
Ё-моё, это же мой бывший парень-гот Аллистер.
00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:05,610
Его зовут Карл, но он сменил имя,
чтобы оно подходило к его мрачной одежде.
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Странно, что этот Аллистер-Карл
работает теперь на курорте «Миандис».
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,740
Блин, а это Харрисон и Грэм.
00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:15,688
Короче, слушай, это Исла Чафа, необитаемый остров,
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куда я сваливаю своих бывших,
когда они становятся слишком прилипчивыми.
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Чёрт, крутые у них пушки...
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Слушай, что говорю!
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Терри и Корво похитили мои бывшие,
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и теперь мне придётся их спасать!
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И столкнуться со своим прошлым сердцеедки.
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Хороший повод испортить им отдых!
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Да не отдых это!
Ты так завидуешь, что уже не думаешь башкой?
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Пожалуйста, возьми меня с собой!
00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:41,770
Я уже десять часов никому не ломал жизнь...
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Какой же ты кретин. Ладно, поехали.
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:50,723
Вот и он. Город Песочница-таун.
00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:53,200
До того, как построили город,
это была просто песочница.
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А до этого сюда срали кошки.
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Одно из шести чудес Заднего двора!
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А где все?
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Не знаю.
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:10,868
Будь начеку.
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,190
Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
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Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:29,300
Поднимаем! Поднимаем!
00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,013
Им явно нужна эта бутылка.
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,780
Нихера ты осмелел, припёрся в Песочница-таун,
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примерно сантиметровый кусок дерьма!
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Энтони, клянусь, я думал,
что бумажный самолётик нас выдержит!
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Да я угораю, братуха!
00:07:45,710 --> 00:07:47,210
А теперь я серьёзно!
00:07:48,950 --> 00:07:50,533
Нет, снова угораю!
00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:52,243
В юморе нужно действовать дважды.
00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:54,090
Смотри, какой у меня крутой меч!
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,850
Ты так испугался, что я тебя зарежу!
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Прямо такой: «Нет! Не режь меня!»
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,140
Рад видеть тебя, Энтони.
00:08:01,150 --> 00:08:03,129
Добро пожаловать в мой город!
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:04,440
Раньше тут была песочница.
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:05,810
Да это и так понятно.
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:09,719
Бросайте все дела, будем веселиться. У нас гости!
00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:25,000
Главное, не напороться на моих бывших.
00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:27,069
Они тут так долго проторчали,
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что, наверное, поехали кукухой.
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:32,867
Я скинул Терри и Корво селфач!
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,286
Вот они разозлятся, что я испортил им отдых!
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,662
Я говорю, их похитили!
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:39,373
Ты единственный, кто не понял ситуацию!
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:46,046
Этот говнюк в Хейнсах на нашем острове!
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:48,070
И он перестанет нам завидовать!
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,360
Закажи обслуживание!
00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:50,860
Не принесёте нам поесть?
00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:53,070
Смотри, чем Терри и Корво кормят на курорте!
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,160
Халявный заплесневелый хлеб!
00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:57,820
Надо как-то заставить их завидовать мне!
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,220
Нет ли тут халявной еды?
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:00,728
Ты это слышал?
00:09:00,990 --> 00:09:02,605
Цепочка для брюк!
00:09:07,850 --> 00:09:08,903
Это Аллистер.
00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:12,690
Он так долго пробыл
вне мамкиного дома, что, наверное, двинулся.
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,866
Надо как-то его обойти.
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,993
Терри такой надменный тут!
00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:20,289
Чёрт! Кулон с пентаграммой!
00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:24,600
Бежим, он не надолго отвлёкся!
00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:26,378
В эту игру можно играть вдвоём!
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:30,120
Хештег «без фильтров», хештег «мальчик в "Хейнсах"».
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,900
Отключи звук на телефоне,
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:35,330
или нас опять услышат одичавшие бывшие!
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:37,515
Интересно, где тут делают косички.
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,580
Если Терри увидит меня с ними,
00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:41,330
он навалит гублеров!
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:44,438
Блин, это Грэм, бывший из VSCO,
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,732
и Харрисон, лидер команды по дебатам!
00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:48,220
Они теперь охотятся стаями!
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,780
Нужно сматываться!
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:54,470
Они должны объяснить
свою позицию за шесть минут.
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:57,451
Чёрт, бежим!
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:06,560
Спрячемся
за этим потрясающим красивым водопадом!
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:09,296
Терри и Корво точно его не видели!
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,259
Божечки, Зэш! Ты пришёл меня спасти!
00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:15,110
Ты самый лучший парень в мире!
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,804
Game over, Джесси.
00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,820
Баскетбол? Я не понимаю.
00:10:18,830 --> 00:10:20,516
Они из NBA2K?
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:38,117
Пупа с Малышом закопали
эту бутылку Maker's Mark в прошлом году.
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,840
Вот он от него понахватался.
00:10:39,850 --> 00:10:42,010
Да, Тони, ты здесь нашёл новую жизнь.
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,640
Мы все всего лишь песчинки,
00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:45,970
нас сыплют через пальцы, на нас наступают,
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,810
иногда застреваем в половых губах.
00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:52,400
Когда ты становишься одним целым
с песком, ты находишь себя.
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:55,360
И что вы будете делать
с этой бутылкой, когда достанете её?
00:10:55,370 --> 00:10:57,630
Nada. «Ничего» по-мексикански.
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,320
Так трудитесь и ради «ничего»?
00:10:59,330 --> 00:11:01,910
Мы уже вытащили лопатки и фантики от конфет.
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:07,160
Вытащим эту бутылку —
и песок наконец обретёт покой.
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:09,840
Здесь так круто!
00:11:10,010 --> 00:11:11,750
И еда тоже супер!
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,960
Как-то она всем слишком нравится.
00:11:18,270 --> 00:11:20,380
Здесь происходит что-то странное.
00:11:20,390 --> 00:11:24,350
Да, обычно хиппи намного быстрее начинают оргию.
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,930
Они безобидны. Так ты, значит, любишь песок?
00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,480
О да. Я столько про него могу рассказать.
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,190
Расскажи.
00:11:33,470 --> 00:11:34,360
Где мы?
00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:36,900
Парни, принцесса проснулась.
00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:39,700
Зэш, за что ты так со мной?
00:11:39,710 --> 00:11:42,240
Я меняла тебе подгузники,
пока ты рейдил в Destiny.
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,240
Крота для тебя совсем пустяк?
00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:48,250
Так называемый Зэш-киберспортсмен —
всего лишь ложный образ,
00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:51,330
созданный с целью усыпить твою бдительность.
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:55,568
В действительности я никто иной,
как Сплэш Мондун,
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:58,550
твой обычный парень, любящий спорт!
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:01,430
Я обожаю баскетбол, хоккей и так далее!
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,660
Поэтому ты так всасывал в Destiny 2...
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,910
Это всё ради того, чтобы отомстить тебе за то,
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,520
что ты бросила меня
и других парней на этом острове.
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:10,437
Я сбежал на лодке, ведь я ещё и гребец,
00:12:10,450 --> 00:12:13,060
затем выманил тебя сюда
своей спортивной харизмой.
00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:16,190
Почувствуй, каково это,
когда тебя удерживает любимый человек.
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,050
Джесси, что за фигня тут творится?
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,150
Я уже объяснила, и он объяснил!
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,860
Да, и хоть я толком не слушал,
00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:25,570
почему они такие злые и подробные?
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:29,040
Потому что они не обычные бывшие.
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,790
В школе у меня не было никакой индивидуальности.
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,880
У моих одноклассниц были интересные характеры,
а я просто скучная инопланетянка.
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,840
Поэтому я распечатала модели
00:12:39,850 --> 00:12:42,522
из плоти со специфичными интересами
00:12:42,530 --> 00:12:46,220
и встречалась с ними,
чтобы перенять их характеры.
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,720
Но тебе это не удалось.
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:49,440
Да. Они мне наскучивали,
00:12:49,450 --> 00:12:53,270
и мне было стыдно позёрить с каждым из них,
поэтому я не просто бросала их,
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,460
а оставляла их на этом острове
и начинала по новой.
00:12:56,470 --> 00:12:58,190
- Господи, Джесси!
- Это точно!
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,440
Вот так я — поматрошу и на острове брошу!
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:02,950
У нас пещера в два раза больше, чем у Терри и Корво!
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,200
Опупенно!
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:08,120
Ям, твой СДВГ перестал быть милым,
теперь он настораживает.
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,580
Хорошо, что ты признала свои злодеяния, Джесси.
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,890
Ты попользовалась нами и бросила.
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:14,540
Я понимаю. Простите меня!
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:16,210
Сплэш, просто отпусти мою семью.
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:17,690
Они-то не виноваты!
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:20,130
Извини, но тут я тебе покажу красную карточку.
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:22,880
Мы оставим вас с семьёй гнить в этой пещере.
00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:26,600
А потом поселимся у вас дома
и будем срать в нормальный унитаз.
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:28,680
У Ямюляка номер больше!
00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:30,990
Видимо, чёртов засранец проапгрейдился!
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,430
Ну ладно. Но зато у него нет летучих мышей.
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,169
Сфоткай их ему.
00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:42,280
Эй, Гэвин. Просыпайся. Что происходит?
00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:43,940
Вкусный Эрик Бана.
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,090
Я иду в T-Bell, тебе нужно новое лицо?
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,098
Ты что, упорот?
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,831
Ага, так и знала!
00:14:13,170 --> 00:14:14,350
Ты что тут делаешь?
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:19,090
Ты кормишь своих людей этими грибами
и превращаешь их в обдолбанных хиппи!
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,980
Чего? Нет. Это шиитаке.
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:24,860
Я могу отличить весёлые грибы, растущие в дерьме.
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:26,860
Поэтому тут так и воняет.
00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:28,610
Ладно, ты меня раскусила.
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:30,740
На Заднем дворе страшно жить,
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:34,200
а псилоцибин помогает нам
стать одним целым с песком.
00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:36,390
И с ними у нас охренительные оргии!
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,500
Если бы ты делал это ради их блага,
ты бы не уходил тайком!
00:14:39,510 --> 00:14:41,790
Я всем расскажу правду, и они сами решат,
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,071
нравится ли им быть под грибами весь день.
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,130
Хочешь знать правду? Ну хорошо.
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:49,180
Мне нужно,
чтобы они обдалбывались и копали дальше.
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:50,680
И всё это ради песка?
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:55,180
Да плевал я на этот долбаный песок.
Мне нужна только эта бутылка!
00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:56,770
Когда я заполучу этот виски,
00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:59,650
я возглавлю весь рынок алкоголя во Дворе.
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,440
Я буду настолько богат,
00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:04,480
что смогу свалить
от этих дебилов в Баскетболбург!
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:06,360
Там я куплю себе статус элиты!
00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:08,920
То есть, ты просто всех их бросишь?
00:15:08,930 --> 00:15:11,807
Ну да. Богатые могут делать всё, что захотят!
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,760
Нет, я расскажу им, что ты затеял.
00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:16,478
Ах да. Ну так вот, помнишь мой крутой меч?
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:18,522
Я убью тебя им!
00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:23,630
Ты кинула дерьмом мне в глаза!
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,130
Сука! Оно мне под линзу попало!
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:29,300
Прости, Ям. Если бы у меня была уверенность в себе,
00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:31,680
я бы не наделала всех этих фальшивых парней,
00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:33,300
и этого всего не случилось бы.
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:34,560
Отсюда почти видно океан.
00:15:34,570 --> 00:15:37,720
Мне не нужна индивидуальность,
построенная на распечатанных парнях.
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:39,668
Я просто должна быть самой собой,
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,650
и мой настоящий характер
поборет их всех, и они меня отпустят!
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:45,290
Эй, Сплэш!
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:46,280
Ну чё тебе?
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,690
Вот я настоящая!
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,070
Я люблю свою семью. Я люблю спать допоздна.
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,780
Однажды я вернула
острые крылышки «Читос» в Applebee's,
00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:56,410
соврав, что они холодные,
но по правде я просто пожалела, что купила их.
00:15:56,420 --> 00:15:58,160
Вот это настоящая Джесси.
00:15:58,170 --> 00:15:59,646
Теперь вы знаете.
00:16:01,150 --> 00:16:04,170
Фигня. Ты просто перечислила
скучные черты характера.
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:08,780
Настоящая личность образуется после 20-ти лет.
00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:11,720
О нет! Быть самой собой не помогло?
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:15,530
Ты такая же стрёмная и пресная,
как картошка в Wendy's.
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:19,430
И мы тут просидим до 20-ти лет? Не закроется ли Hulu?
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,560
Стоп. Эй, Харрисон, парень-дебатник.
00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:24,830
Ямюляк сказал, что хочет перейти на личности.
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,757
Чего?! Это недопустимо!
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,370
Стойте! Разве вы не хотите,
чтобы я доказал свою правоту фактами и логикой?
00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:36,850
Остановить их!
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,776
Гэвин, пора валить!
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:48,690
Только диско-картошечку. Ключ у меня под мышкой.
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,364
Просыпайся, здоровяк!
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,420
Когда тебя уже отпустит?
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:10,030
Где это мы?
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,820
Давай, приходи уже в себя.
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,303
Энтони хочет...
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:22,120
Что происходит?
00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:24,870
Эта бутылка принадлежит всем песчаным жителям!
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,025
Она может изменить их жизнь!
00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:32,489
С таким мышлением ты точно не выживешь во Дворе.
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,034
Ого, и вправду крутой меч!
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,410
Где купил?
00:17:37,420 --> 00:17:38,430
«Купил»?
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,060
Я сам его сделал!
00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:45,040
В отличие от тебя, мне пришлось
самому продирать себе путь через этот Двор!
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:46,650
Ого, расскажи поподробней!
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,310
Я сделал лезвие из пилки для ногтей,
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,400
а рукоятку — из куска стикера!
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:53,990
Я слышала, что ходить в блестящими предметами
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,972
на Заднем дворе — очень плохая идея.
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:00,760
О нет...
00:18:27,550 --> 00:18:30,830
Так-то! Я повелитель песка!
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:35,630
Убегай!
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,360
Нет.
00:18:36,370 --> 00:18:37,990
Всё под контролем.
00:18:39,830 --> 00:18:42,330
Ибо я властелин этого песка!
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:48,370
Валим отсюда, пока он не вылез из песка.
00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:50,942
Видела я такое в некоторых фильмах.
00:18:57,020 --> 00:18:58,450
Хештег «кардио — это жизнь»!
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:01,220
Мне без особого характера с ними не совладать!
00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:03,430
Мне срочно нужен жизненный опыт.
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,310
Может, мне замутить
с веганом или побыть в Белизе месяц
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,770
и основать личность на этом?
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,600
Нет, всё равно скучная тема.
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:14,440
Ну супер, теперь он показывает рекламу машин.
Нахрена вот? Просто запости уже.
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:16,802
Стой, Ямюляк, это идея!
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:20,764
Что тут происходит?
Как мы попали на гору? Какой сегодня день?
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:22,570
Я сброшу тебя с горы,
00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:25,040
и от тебя останется только заурядный труп!
00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:28,080
Может, я и заурядная, зато у меня есть вот что!
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:29,290
Ты купила машину?!
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,567
Машина помогает
подросткам выработать характер!
00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:37,572
Именно! Синий Saturn Vue 2009-го года!
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:39,980
Сегодня начинается моя кредитная история!
00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:42,285
У тебя сама интересная личность в классе!
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,954
За что мне это?
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,930
Чем я интереснее, тем ты слабее!
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:51,400
Наклею стикер о дружбе религий
и стану водить машину трезвой, сучок!
00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:54,423
Теперь все захотят тусить со мной!
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,870
ХОТ ТОПИК
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,870
Ну и долго нам ждать? Мы уже трезвеем.
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,750
Всего пару минут, Стэйси.
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,620
А потом продолжим быть популярными.
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:14,630
А ты пока накидайся крема.
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,362
Ещё как накидаюсь, королева.
00:20:18,470 --> 00:20:21,324
Всё хорошо, выходи. Ты сможешь.
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,370
Тебя здесь не обидят. Тут такие же, как ты.
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,560
Не бойтесь,
я развезу вас по подходящим вам местам.
00:20:32,570 --> 00:20:35,422
Ведь у меня есть машина!
00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:37,570
Джесси супер!
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:39,400
Давайте нажрёмся Хард-зельцера
00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,845
и разочаруем наших отчимов!
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:45,515
Ну и денёк выдался.
00:20:45,530 --> 00:20:47,910
Мы спасли моих бывших, побороли моё прошлое
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,750
и даже спасли Терри и Корво!
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,290
Эти долбонавты искренне верили,
что приехали на курорт.
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,960
Погоди, мы же спасли Терри и Корво?
00:20:56,970 --> 00:20:59,050
Ну да. Вроде бы да.
00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:01,550
Терри же нам сделал яичницу со «Скиттлсом».
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,574
Это я её сделала.
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:04,117
Ну ёпсель-мопсель!
00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:08,100
Господи,
я ещё никогда так в жизни не расслаблялся.
00:21:08,110 --> 00:21:11,708
Это самый лучший оздоровительный курорт.
00:21:12,490 --> 00:21:14,140
Блин, Корв, ты так расслабился.
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,570
Ям просто обзавидует... ся.
00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:22,150
Как ты себя чувствуешь?
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,910
Хреново.
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:28,600
Хорошо, что ты доверилась интуиции,
а то мы под грибами рыли бы песок.
00:21:29,750 --> 00:21:32,350
Может, ты всё же способна здесь выжить.
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:33,660
Мне ещё есть, чему учиться.
00:21:33,670 --> 00:21:37,170
Например, я не понимаю,
почему, когда все узнали о планах Энтони,
00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:41,360
они всё равно продолжили
есть грибы и поклоняться песку.
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:44,940
Всем нам нужно найти свой источник счастья.
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,930
Отвечай. Куда они пошли?
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:52,580
Я же сказал, что не знаю!
00:21:52,590 --> 00:21:54,209
Как и все остальные.
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,128
От тебя никакой пользы.
00:21:57,140 --> 00:22:02,380
Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.
eng__Eng.srt
eng__Eng.srt
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,012
or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,265
Drew's having a reunion
with the bicycle from E.T.
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,350
The first time she did coke
was right off the seat.
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,601
No can do, Yum.
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,311
My new boyfriend's pro Call of Duty team
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,064
has a match against the New Brunswick
Acid Lions today.
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,649
I have to be here to show support.
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734
Ugh, you're such a bot.
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,943
You're only into eSports
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,445
because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281
Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash
when he was just an Affiliate.
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,992
Plus, he's played all
the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,994
so he knows how to respect women.
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,121
Weren't you just dating
the debate captain?
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,331
And before that, some emo douche?
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,584
You're really tossing out
the boy toys, Jesse.
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,586
You sure this isn't
about you and not them?
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589
'Sup, @Jesse?
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,049
Z'ash has entered the chat.
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,052
Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,804
People come to the Oasis
for all the things they can do,
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:57,098
but they stay for
all the things they can be.
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,558
What does that even mean?
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,478
Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,022
Let the hunt for
Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,233
Have fun going home in a chair
not ergonomically designed
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,277
for extended subathons, loser!
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322
A better reality awaits!
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658
Planet Shlorp
was a perfect utopia,
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,744
until the asteroid hit.
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,582
and escaped into the... space,
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,251
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,669
We crashed on Earth,
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,922
{\an8}stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,465
{\an8}That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,716
{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,761
{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,763
{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,847
{\an8}It's a horrible home.
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,516
{\an8}People are stupid and confusing.
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,476
{\an8}Why are there so many types of nipples?
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,645
{\an8}Just settle on one size
and shape of nipple
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,688
{\an8}so I can pass my figure drawing class!
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,323
Pupa.
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661
Ah.
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168
Keep it up, old guy.
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:08,586
Once we get all those yard bucks,
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,963
I can pay off my debts
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,339
and maybe even have enough left over
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,800
to buy a little homestead
by the tire swing
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302
where Terry popped his eye out
trying to do a Jackass.
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,514
You got that right.
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,350
Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,062
Awww, yeah.
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,440
Shit, thought I cured that.
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198
What the fuck are you doin' here?
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,576
{\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice
I was hiding in there.
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,369
{\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking
a look a couple times.
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}Oh, he did, did he?
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}Don't feel like you have
to fart less on my behalf.
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,085
{\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545
{\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,714
{\an8}And for your information,
that is not farting,
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,382
{\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,343
You don't understand,
my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,095
What are you talkin' about?
I just saw him.
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,682
{\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up
on a lizard and killed him.
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,603
{\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,229
{\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,564
like its bones were optional?
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,566
Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,902
{\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard.
- The singer?
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,112
{\an8}No, people call him that
because his name is Richard,
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,072
{\an8}- and he's little now.
- But we're all little.
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:19,991
{\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,826
{\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,828
{\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,167
I'll deliver you to the little village
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,668
{\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:33,463
{\an8}It smells like dead raccoon,
but you'll be safe, okay?
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,215
{\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,424
{\an8}You already have.
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,009
{\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:42,555
Oh, it really is the seat!
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,057
Nah, that one was me.
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,727
{\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,811
{\an8}I just got the greatest
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,396
{\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince
needs more money.
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,400
{\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,027
{\an8}Korvo, you are never going
to believe this,
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,364
{\an8}but we have finally become
MeUndies Power Bottoms!
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,033
{\an8}Sound the ancient horn
and light the ancestral fires!
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,077
{\an8}Today, we are the princes.
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,328
{\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,372
{\an8}It means we bought
so many pairs of MeUndies
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,249
{\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,668
{\an8}We're the white meat turkey
of boxer brief subscribers!
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,044
{\an8}Hold on to your milkers
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,338
{\an8}'cause they're sending
MeUndies and YouUndies
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,839
{\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,509
{\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:20,969
This is gonna be awesome!
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180
Oh, bitch, you're not going.
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974
Why can't this bitch go?
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,768
Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic
sack like a freak!
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019
They don't even collab with Rihanna.
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,105
Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,148
to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,650
Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,360
Yeah, that's the point of status.
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653
Rubbing it in is half the fun,
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,113
which is why we'll be sending you pictures
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,447
to make you jealous the whole time.
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,950
Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,663
Pfft, like I care about
a stupid underpants island.
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,749
Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,626
and they're not even out of the driveway!
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087
I just don't understand
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,006
why you won't let me
come on the whole journey.
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,425
I've always wanted to see
all of the backyard.
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,926
Yard's a dangerous place.
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,761
You've spent most
of your little life sheltered.
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,221
Don't trick yourself into thinking
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,723
that you know how to survive out here.
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,641
Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,022
- Get those things off your head!
- Why did you do that?
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,316
- Your earrings! Get rid of 'em!
- No!
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,735
Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653
- The animals are gettin' desperate.
- So?
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,989
So a hungry squirrel's attracted
to shiny things.
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,532
Like those fuckin' earrings.
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:27,035
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,578
That's what I meant by sheltered.
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,079
I'm a quick study.
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,540
I only had to watch,
like, six YouTube tutorials
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,042
- to master a cat eye.
- Yeah, well,
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,085
just try not to get us killed by a cat.
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254
That doesn't even make sense.
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,384
Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,886
Wow, look at Z'ash go.
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,722
He's like the Michael Jordan
of Luigi's Mansion!
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475
Terry and Korvo won't stop
sending me pictures
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,143
from their stupid awesome vacation.
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,520
Look at their room.
It's built into a cave,
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,439
and they have their own goth butler.
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,358
Why did I have to wear
the wrong underwear?
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,486
Oh, my God, that's my goth
ex-boyfriend Allister.
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,112
His real name is Carl, but he changed it
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,615
to better reflect the
dark nature of his outfits.
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,408
Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,035
works at the MeUndies resort now.
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,746
Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,916
Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,417
an uninhabited island
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,294
where I've been dumping
all my ex-boyfriends
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,754
once they get too clingy.
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,756
Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,174
Would you listen to me?
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,384
Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,635
by my ex-boyfriends,
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,678
and now I have to rescue their asses!
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:30,348
And possibly confront
my heartbreaker past!
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,267
Ooh, that's a great excuse
to crash their vacation.
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,852
It's not a vacation.
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,813
How FOMO blind are you?
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,815
Please let me come with you.
I deserve a treat!
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483
I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,776
10 hours.
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,112
God, you are so stupid.
Okay, fine. Let's go.
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451
There it is, Sandbox Town.
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204
You know, before they built it,
it was just a sandbox.
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,289
And before that,
a place for cats to take a shit.
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,750
One of the six wonders
of the backyard!
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010
Where is everybody?
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,470
I don't know.
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,596
Keep your guard up.
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194
Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738
Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908
- Lift, lift, lift.
- Wow, they really want that bottle.
00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:33,786
You got a lot of balls
showing face in Sandbox Town,
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622
you roughly one-centimeter-tall
piece of human garbage.
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416
Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,251
I thought that paper plane could carry us.
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881
I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216
But now I'm not kidding.
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470
I was just kidding again.
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,180
Comedy rule of twos, you know.
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,098
Look how awesome my sword is.
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,851
You totally thought
I was gonna stab you, bro.
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,228
Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147
Good to see you, Anthony.
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,773
Welcome to my town.
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,442
It used to be the sandbox.
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818
Yeah, that's pretty clear.
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,197
{\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'.
We have guests!
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540
Ugh!
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835
We need to be careful
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,004
to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,797
They've been abandoned here for so long
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,300
they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,386
I just sent a selfie
to Terry and Korvo.
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:35,139
They're gonna be so pissed
that I crashed their vacation.
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,390
They've been kidnapped!
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,642
You're the only one who isn't seeing
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,935
what's happening here.
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,649
Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,025
is on our island!
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,069
His FOMO is going to be
wearing off by the second!
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,362
Quick, order us room service!
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,863
Can we get some food over here?
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,074
Look at this picture of
Terry and Korvo's resort food.
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,159
They just got free moldy bread!
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,828
I gotta figure out a way
to make them as jealous as I am.
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,038
Do you see any free snacks?
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,414
Did you hear that?
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,083
Wallet chain!
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132
It's Allister. Being outside
of his mom's basement
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,842
for this long must be making him crazy.
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,344
We gotta get past him.
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,471
Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850
Shit, pentagram necklace!
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605
Hurry, that'll only
distract him for a moment!
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,940
Two can play at this game.
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,819
Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905
Silence your phone, dumbass,
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,032
or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,410
Where do you think they do
the vacation braids here?
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,579
If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,330
he's gonna dump gooblers.
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,333
Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,460
and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,920
They've learned to hunt as a pack.
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,714
We have to get out of here.
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,090
Sksksksk.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,383
See, the affirmative starts
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,260
and they have six minutes
to make their case.
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221
- Grarrrrrr
- Oh, no. Run!
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895
Come on, let's hide behind
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,564
the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,816
I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487
Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,114
You're the best boyfriend of all time.
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,824
Game over, Jesse.
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,826
Basketballs? I don't get it.
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,328
Are those from NBA2K?
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385
The Pupa buried
that bottle of Maker's Mark
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,012
with Little Buddy last year.
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,847
That guy was a real bad influence.
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,016
You've really found a new life here, Tony.
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,643
We're all just grains of sand,
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,978
passing through fingers, tickling toes,
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,814
a couple of grains getting stuck
around the labia flaps.
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,650
When you become one with the sand,
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,401
you truly find yourself.
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,653
So what are you gonna do
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,363
with the bottle once you get it out?
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,239
Nada. That's nothing in Mexican.
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,325
That's a lot of work for nothin'.
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,911
We've already removed the plastic shovels
and candy wrappers.
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,746
Once we get that bottle out,
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:07,166
the sand will finally be at peace.
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,543
Mm, this place is great.
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754
Plus, this food is amazing!
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,965
Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,388
Hey, something weird's
going on around here, right?
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,306
Yeah, usually hippies dive into
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,350
an orgy way faster than this.
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,643
They're harmless.
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,936
So you love sand, huh?
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,480
Oh, yeah. I-I could talk
about it at length.
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,898
Hmm, please do.
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360
Where are we?
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,904
Look, boys, the princess is awake.
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740
Z'ash, I can't believe
you would do this to me.
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,243
I changed your diapers
during your Destiny raids.
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245
Did Krota mean nothing to you?
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,997
The eSports boyfriend
that you knew as Z'ash
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,249
was just a fiction,
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,335
a ploy to distract you into complacency.
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,630
In reality, I am, and have always been,
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,298
Splash Mondoon,
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,551
your regular sports boyfriend.
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,429
I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,514
No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,558
I planned all of this to get back at you
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,519
for abandoning me and your dumb other exes
on this cursed island.
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,479
I used my rowing techniques to escape,
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,065
then lured you here
with my general sports charisma.
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,193
Now you know how it feels
to be trapped by a lover.
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,529
Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,157
Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,867
Yeah, but even half paying attention,
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,578
why are these exes
so heightened and specific?
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,748
Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208
At school, I was having a hard time
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,793
finding my own identity.
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,045
All the other girls in my class
have distinct personalities,
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:37,882
and I'm just a boring old space alien.
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842
So I used a device on the ship
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596
to 3D print flesh hunks coded
with hyper-specific interests,
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,223
then I dated them so I could adopt
their personalities.
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,725
But that didn't work, did it?
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,268
No. I kept getting bored
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,854
and ashamed of being
such a poser with each guy,
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,272
so instead of breaking up with them,
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,648
I threw them away on this island
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,275
and started from scratch.
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,194
Jesse. Oh, my God.
- I know!
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,446
I love 'em, leave 'em,
and never retrieve 'em.
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,948
Our cave is twice as big
as Terry and Korvo's.
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,200
That is so lit.
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243
Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,120
to troubling real quick.
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,581
Well, I'm glad you can finally
admit what you did, Jesse.
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,750
It was cruel of you to use us
and then lose us.
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,543
I know and I'm sorry.
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,003
Just let my family go, Splash.
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,588
They don't deserve this.
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,132
Uh, I'm gonna have to give you
a red card on that one, chief.
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,885
We're gonna leave you and your family
to rot in this cave.
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,303
And after that, we're going
to move into your house
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,682
Yumyulack's room is bigger.
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,810
That whiny little pussy
must have gotten upgraded!
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,437
Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have
all these bats? Huh?
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,647
Send him a picture of those.
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279
Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,948
Yummy Eric Bana.
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,866
I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,618
Are you stoned?
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792
Hmm.
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601
A-ha! I knew it.
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,353
[gasps] What're you doing here?
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,063
You're using these mushrooms
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,983
to drug your people
into zonked-out hippies.
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,985
What? No. These are shiitake.
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,738
I know magic mushrooms grow
in a shit-positive environment,
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866
that's why this hole smells like ass.
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,617
Okay, fine, you're right.
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,744
The backyard is a terrifying place to live
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:34,206
and the psilocybin, it helps us become
one with the sand.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,250
And also we have killer orgies.
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,918
Bullshit! If it was all good,
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,503
then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,797
I'm gonna tell the truth
and let your people decide
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,924
if they like tripping balls all day.
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,135
- Aah!
- You like truth, huh? Fine.
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:49,179
I need these people stoned
so they keep digging.
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:50,681
All this for sand?
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,142
I don't care about the stupid sand.
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,185
What I want is the bottle.
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,770
When I get that whiskey,
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:59,648
I'm going to corner the market
on booze in the backyard.
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,442
I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,110
I can leave all these dummies behind
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,486
and move to Basketballburgh
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,363
where I can buy my way into the elite.
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,782
So you're just gonna abandon these people?
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,075
Of course, I am.
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,577
Rich people can do whatever they want.
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,412
Not if I tell them what you're up to.
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,997
Uh, yeah, about that.
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,749
Remember my awesome sword?
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,833
I'm gonna kill you with it.
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631
You got shit in my eyes!
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,133
Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303
Sorry, Yum. If I just had
confidence in who I was,
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680
I wouldn't have had to make
all those fake boyfriends
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,307
and none of this would've happened.
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,558
We almost have an ocean view.
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,185
I don't need to get an identity
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,728
from ship-printed boyfriends.
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,063
I just have to be myself,
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,023
and then the power of my true personality
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,651
will overcome these boyfriends
and they'll release me.
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,110
Hey, Splash.
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,278
What do you want?
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,696
This is the real me.
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,074
I like my family. I love to sleep in.
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,785
Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings
from Applebee's
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,370
and said it was 'cause they were cold,
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,413
but I just regretted ordering them.
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,165
That's the real Jesse.
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,333
Now you know.
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,171
Nice try. That was just
a list of boring traits.
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,507
Teenagers don't develop real personalities
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,550
until they get in their 20s.
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,720
Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,307
No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,476
We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,436
Will Hulu even exist then?
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,563
Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,107
Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,483
to use an ad hominem attack.
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,110
What? No way, you-you can't do that.
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903
Ah!
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,325
Wait, don't you wanna hear me
establish my assertion
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,827
with evidence and logic?
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538
Stop them!
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587
Gavin, we gotta go.
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,507
Just disco fries, please.
I hide the key in my armpit.
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,009
Come on, big guy, wake up.
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,098
You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029
Wh-where are we?
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,822
I need you to get your head on straight.
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,032
Anthony is--
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999
What's going on?
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,877
This bottle belongs
to all the sand people.
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,879
It could change their lives.
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134
With that thinking, you'll never survive
in the backyard.
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,804
Wow, that sword really is cool.
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
- Where did you buy it?
- Buy it?
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,059
I made this by hand.
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,395
Unlike you, I've had to scratch
and claw my own way
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813
through this godforsaken yard.
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,648
Wow, tell me more.
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,318
I made it from the nail file part
of some clippers,
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,403
and the handle is a piece of sticker.
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,989
I once heard that having something shiny
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,658
in the backyard is a really bad idea.
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288
No, no.
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,234
That's right. I control the sand.
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365
- Get out of there.
- No.
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,991
I've got this!
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329
I'm the master of the sand!
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251
Let's get the fuck out of here
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,460
before he springs out of the sand.
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,629
I have seen too many
of those kind of movies.
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303
Hashtag cardio life.
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,471
I'll never beat these boys
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,223
without a real personality.
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,433
I need life experience fast.
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,726
Maybe I can date a vegan
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,311
or travel to Belize for one month
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,771
and make it my whole thing.
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,606
But that's still so basic.
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,900
Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111
Why does it do that? Just post already.
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446
Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,282
Uh, what the hell is going on?
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,284
When did we end up on a cliff?
What day is it?
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578
I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,038
and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,083
I may be basic,
but now I'm basic with this.
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,293
You bought a car?
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,752
That's the one thing that simulates
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,963
an identity in teens! Yech.
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,716
That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,426
in clinical blue.
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,636
My credit journey starts today.
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,014
You have more personality
than anyone in your grade.
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,849
Why is this happening to me?
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,935
The more interesting I get,
the weaker you become.
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,896
I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,398
and be a designated driver, bitch.
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,567
Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871
Ugh.
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,331
How long is this going to take?
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,874
We're starting to sober up.
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,751
This will just take a minute, Stacis.
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,628
And then we can go back to being popular.
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,630
{\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,132
{\an8}Turn me up, queen.
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928
Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,932
You'll be safe here.
These are your people.
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938
Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,564
to your natural habitats.
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,317
Because I have a car.
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569
Jesse rules!
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,404
Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,073
and disappoint our stepdads.
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,532
Whoo-hoo!
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410
Wow, what a day.
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,913
We saved the boyfriends,
confronted my past,
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,748
and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,083
I can't believe they thought
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,834
they were on a vacation the whole time.
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,294
What a couple of dipshits.
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:56,964
Wait a minute,
did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,049
Yeah, right? I thought we did.
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551
Didn't Terry make us
those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,678
I made those.
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,929
Ah, geez.
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100
Oh, man. I've never felt
this relaxed in my life.
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,228
Best wellness retreat ever.
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147
Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,276
Yum's gonna be so jealous...
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155
How are you feeling?
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,615
Like shit.
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826
I'm glad you trusted your gut,
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,370
or we'd be stoned
and digging in sand right now.
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:29,746
Huh.
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,124
Maybe you do have what it takes
to make it out here.
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,667
I still have a lot to learn.
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,544
Like, I can't believe that even after
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,170
we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,298
they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,716
and worshiping the sand.
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,551
Ah, I guess we all have
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,344
to find some way to be happy.
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,934
Tell me where they went.
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:53,895
- I told you I don't know.
- Just like the rest of 'em.
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481
You're no use to me.
eng__SDH.srt
eng__SDH.srt
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383
{\an8}[school bell rings]
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510
Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,012
or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,265
Drew's having a reunion
with the bicycle from E.T.
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,350
The first time she did coke
was right off the seat.
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,601
No can do, Yum.
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,311
My new boyfriend's pro Call of Duty team
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,064
has a match against the New Brunswick
Acid Lions today.
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,649
I have to be here to show support.
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734
Ugh, you're such a bot.
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,943
You're only into eSports
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,445
because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,281
Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash
when he was just an Affiliate.
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,992
Plus, he's played all
the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,994
so he knows how to respect women.
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,121
Weren't you just dating
the debate captain?
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,331
And before that, some emo douche?
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,584
You're really tossing out
the boy toys, Jesse.
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,586
You sure this isn't
about you and not them?
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,463
[motor rumbling]
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589
'Sup, @Jesse?
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,049
Z'ash has entered the chat.
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,052
Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,804
People come to the Oasis
for all the things they can do,
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:57,098
but they stay for
all the things they can be.
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,558
What does that even mean?
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,478
Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,022
Let the hunt for
Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,233
Have fun going home in a chair
not ergonomically designed
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,277
for extended subathons, loser!
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322
A better reality awaits!
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658
[Korvo] Planet Shlorp
was a perfect utopia,
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,744
until the asteroid hit.
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,582
and escaped into the... space,
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,251
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,669
We crashed on Earth,
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,922
{\an8}stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,465
{\an8}That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,716
{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,761
{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,763
{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,847
{\an8}It's a horrible home.
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,516
{\an8}People are stupid and confusing.
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,476
{\an8}Why are there so many types of nipples?
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,645
{\an8}Just settle on one size
and shape of nipple
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,688
{\an8}so I can pass my figure drawing class!
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:48,858
[♪ dramatic music playing]
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,323
Pupa.
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,033
[JK Sevens beeps, dings]
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661
Ah.
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,121
[JK Sevens beeping]
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:05,166
[♪ dramatic music]
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168
Keep it up, old guy.
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:08,586
Once we get all those yard bucks,
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,963
I can pay off my debts
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,339
and maybe even have enough left over
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,800
to buy a little homestead
by the tire swing
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302
where Terry popped his eye out
trying to do a Jackass.
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,470
[Hedgey squeaks]
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,514
{\an8}[laughs] You got that right.
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,598
{\an8}[sighs]
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,350
Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,434
[unzips]
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,519
[urinating]
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,062
Awww, yeah.
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,689
[Sofia sneezes]
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,440
Shit, thought I cured that.
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,817
[Sofia sneezes]
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,155
- [Sofia screams]
- [grunts]
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198
What the fuck are you doin' here?
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,576
{\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice
I was hiding in there.
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,369
{\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking
a look a couple times.
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}- Oh, he did, did he?
- [squeaks]
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}Don't feel like you have
to fart less on my behalf.
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,085
{\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545
{\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,714
{\an8}And for your information,
that is not farting,
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,382
{\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,343
You don't understand,
my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,095
What are you talkin' about?
I just saw him.
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,682
{\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up
on a lizard and killed him.
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,603
{\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,229
{\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,564
like its bones were optional?
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,566
Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,902
{\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard.
- The singer?
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,112
{\an8}No, people call him that
because his name is Richard,
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,072
{\an8}- and he's little now.
- But we're all little.
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:19,991
{\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,826
{\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,828
{\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:25,872
[Sofia sobbing]
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,582
[sighs]
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,167
I'll deliver you to the little village
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,668
{\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:33,463
{\an8}It smells like dead raccoon,
but you'll be safe, okay?
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,215
{\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,424
{\an8}You already have.
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,009
{\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:40,511
[Gavin farts]
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:42,555
[Sofia] Oh, it really is the seat!
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,057
[Gavin] Nah, that one was me.
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,309
[♪ gentle music playing]
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,727
{\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,811
{\an8}I just got the greatest
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,396
{\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince
needs more money.
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,400
{\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,027
{\an8}Korvo, you are never going
to believe this,
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,364
{\an8}but we have finally become
MeUndies Power Bottoms!
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,033
{\an8}Sound the ancient horn
and light the ancestral fires!
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,077
{\an8}Today, we are the princes.
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,328
{\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,372
{\an8}It means we bought
so many pairs of MeUndies
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,249
{\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,668
{\an8}We're the white meat turkey
of boxer brief subscribers!
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,044
{\an8}Hold on to your milkers
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,338
{\an8}'cause they're sending
MeUndies and YouUndies
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,839
{\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,509
{\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:20,969
This is gonna be awesome!
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,762
- [Korvo spits]
- [Terry and Korvo laugh]
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180
Oh, bitch, you're not going.
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974
Why can't this bitch go?
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,768
Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic
sack like a freak!
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019
They don't even collab with Rihanna.
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,105
Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,148
to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,650
Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,360
Yeah, that's the point of status.
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653
Rubbing it in is half the fun,
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,113
which is why we'll be sending you pictures
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,447
to make you jealous the whole time.
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,950
Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,743
[Terry and Korvo laughing]
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,663
Pfft, like I care about
a stupid underpants island.
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:49,831
[phone dings]
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,749
Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,626
and they're not even out of the driveway!
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087
I just don't understand
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,006
why you won't let me
come on the whole journey.
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,425
I've always wanted to see
all of the backyard.
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,926
Yard's a dangerous place.
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,761
You've spent most
of your little life sheltered.
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,221
Don't trick yourself into thinking
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,723
that you know how to survive out here.
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,641
Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,809
[earring sparkles]
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,811
- [gasps]
- [both grunt]
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,022
- Get those things off your head!
- Why did you do that?
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,316
- Your earrings! Get rid of 'em!
- No!
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,735
- [Hedgey squeaks]
- Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653
- The animals are gettin' desperate.
- So?
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,989
So a hungry squirrel's attracted
to shiny things.
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,532
Like those fuckin' earrings.
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:27,035
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,578
That's what I meant by sheltered.
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,079
I'm a quick study.
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,540
I only had to watch,
like, six YouTube tutorials
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,042
- to master a cat eye.
- Yeah, well,
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,085
just try not to get us killed by a cat.
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254
[Sofia] [grumbling]
That doesn't even make sense.
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,465
[squirrel chittering]
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,384
Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,886
Wow, look at Z'ash go.
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,722
He's like the Michael Jordan
of Luigi's Mansion!
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475
Terry and Korvo won't stop
sending me pictures
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,143
from their stupid awesome vacation.
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,520
Look at their room.
It's built into a cave,
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,439
and they have their own goth butler.
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,358
Why did I have to wear
the wrong underwear?
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,486
Oh, my God, that's my goth
ex-boyfriend Allister.
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,112
His real name is Carl, but he changed it
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,615
to better reflect the
dark nature of his outfits.
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,408
Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,035
works at the MeUndies resort now.
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,746
Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,916
Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,417
an uninhabited island
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,294
where I've been dumping
all my ex-boyfriends
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,754
once they get too clingy.
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,756
Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,174
Would you listen to me?
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,384
Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,635
by my ex-boyfriends,
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,678
and now I have to rescue their asses!
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:30,348
And possibly confront
my heartbreaker past!
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,267
Ooh, that's a great excuse
to crash their vacation.
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,852
It's not a vacation.
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,813
How FOMO blind are you?
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,815
Please let me come with you.
I deserve a treat!
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483
I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,776
10 hours.
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,112
God, you are so stupid.
Okay, fine. Let's go.
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,490
[cart rattling]
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451
There it is, Sandbox Town.
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204
You know, before they built it,
it was just a sandbox.
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,289
And before that,
a place for cats to take a shit.
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,750
[Sofia] One of the six wonders
of the backyard!
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,711
[♪ mellow Western music]
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010
Where is everybody?
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,470
I don't know.
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,596
Keep your guard up.
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,105
[creaking]
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194
{\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738
{\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908
- Lift, lift, lift.
- Wow, they really want that bottle.
00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:33,786
You got a lot of balls
showing face in Sandbox Town,
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622
you roughly one-centimeter-tall
piece of human garbage.
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416
Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,251
I thought that paper plane could carry us.
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881
I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216
But now I'm not kidding.
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470
[laughs] I was just kidding again.
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,180
Comedy rule of twos, you know.
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,098
Look how awesome my sword is.
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,851
You totally thought
I was gonna stab you, bro.
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,228
Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147
[chuckles nervously]
Good to see you, Anthony.
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,773
Welcome to my town.
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,442
It used to be the sandbox.
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818
Yeah, that's pretty clear.
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,197
{\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'.
We have guests!
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,032
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,244
[camera clicking]
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540
Ugh!
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835
We need to be careful
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,004
to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,797
They've been abandoned here for so long
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,300
they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,386
[laughing] I just sent a selfie
to Terry and Korvo.
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:35,139
They're gonna be so pissed
that I crashed their vacation.
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,390
They've been kidnapped!
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,642
You're the only one who isn't seeing
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,935
what's happening here.
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,853
[growling softly]
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,772
[phone dings]
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,649
Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,025
is on our island!
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,069
His FOMO is going to be
wearing off by the second!
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,362
Quick, order us room service!
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,863
Can we get some food over here?
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,074
Look at this picture of
Terry and Korvo's resort food.
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,159
They just got free moldy bread!
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,828
I gotta figure out a way
to make them as jealous as I am.
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,038
Do you see any free snacks?
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,414
Did you hear that?
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,083
- [chain clinking]
- Wallet chain!
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,627
[Allister groaning]
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132
It's Allister. Being outside
of his mom's basement
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,842
for this long must be making him crazy.
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,344
We gotta get past him.
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,471
- [phone dings]
- Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,847
[Allister growls]
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850
Shit, pentagram necklace!
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,477
[Allister growls]
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605
Hurry, that'll only
distract him for a moment!
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,940
Two can play at this game.
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,819
Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905
- [phone dings]
- Silence your phone, dumbass,
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,032
or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,410
Where do you think they do
the vacation braids here?
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,579
If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,330
he's gonna dump gooblers.
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,333
Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,460
and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,920
They've learned to hunt as a pack.
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,714
We have to get out of here.
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,090
Sksksksk.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,383
See, the affirmative starts
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,260
and they have six minutes
to make their case.
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221
- Grarrrrrr
- Oh, no. Run!
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,890
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,434
- [Jesse grunts]
- [both screaming]
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895
[Jesse] Come on, let's hide behind
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,564
the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,816
I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487
Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,114
You're the best boyfriend of all time.
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,824
Game over, Jesse.
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,826
Basketballs? I don't get it.
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,328
Are those from NBA2K?
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,495
- [Jesse groans]
- [Yumyulack yelps]
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,252
[♪ exotic music playing]
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:31,088
♪
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385
The Pupa buried
that bottle of Maker's Mark
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,012
with Little Buddy last year.
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,847
That guy was a real bad influence.
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,016
You've really found a new life here, Tony.
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,643
We're all just grains of sand,
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,978
passing through fingers, tickling toes,
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,814
a couple of grains getting stuck
around the labia flaps.
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,650
When you become one with the sand,
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,401
you truly find yourself.
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,653
So what are you gonna do
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,363
with the bottle once you get it out?
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,239
Nada. That's nothing in Mexican.
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,325
[laughs] That's a lot of work for nothin'.
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,911
We've already removed the plastic shovels
and candy wrappers.
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,746
Once we get that bottle out,
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:07,166
the sand will finally be at peace.
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,543
Mm, this place is great.
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754
Plus, this food is amazing!
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,965
Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,260
[rapturous groaning]
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,388
Hey, something weird's
going on around here, right?
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,306
Yeah, usually hippies dive into
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,350
an orgy way faster than this.
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,643
They're harmless.
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,936
So you love sand, huh?
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,480
Oh, yeah. I-I could talk
about it at length.
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,898
[Gavin] Hmm, please do.
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360
[moans] Where are we?
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,904
Look, boys, the princess is awake.
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740
Z'ash, I can't believe
you would do this to me.
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,243
I changed your diapers
during your Destiny raids.
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245
Did Krota mean nothing to you?
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,997
The eSports boyfriend
that you knew as Z'ash
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,249
was just a fiction,
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,335
a ploy to distract you into complacency.
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,630
In reality, I am, and have always been,
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,298
Splash Mondoon,
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,551
your regular sports boyfriend.
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,429
I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,514
No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,558
I planned all of this to get back at you
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,519
for abandoning me and your dumb other exes
on this cursed island.
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,479
I used my rowing techniques to escape,
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,065
then lured you here
with my general sports charisma.
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,193
Now you know how it feels
to be trapped by a lover.
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,529
Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,157
Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,867
Yeah, but even half paying attention,
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,578
why are these exes
so heightened and specific?
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,748
Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208
At school, I was having a hard time
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,793
finding my own identity.
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,045
All the other girls in my class
have distinct personalities,
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:37,882
and I'm just a boring old space alien.
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842
So I used a device on the ship
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596
to 3D print flesh hunks coded
with hyper-specific interests,
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,223
then I dated them so I could adopt
their personalities.
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,725
[Splash] But that didn't work, did it?
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,268
[Jesse] No. I kept getting bored
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,854
and ashamed of being
such a poser with each guy,
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,272
so instead of breaking up with them,
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,648
I threw them away on this island
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,275
and started from scratch.
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,194
- [Yumyulack] Jesse. Oh, my God.
- I know!
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,446
I love 'em, leave 'em,
and never retrieve 'em.
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,948
Our cave is twice as big
as Terry and Korvo's.
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,200
That is so lit.
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243
Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,120
to troubling real quick.
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,581
Well, I'm glad you can finally
admit what you did, Jesse.
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,750
It was cruel of you to use us
and then lose us.
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,543
I know and I'm sorry.
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,003
Just let my family go, Splash.
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,588
They don't deserve this.
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,132
Uh, I'm gonna have to give you
a red card on that one, chief.
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,885
We're gonna leave you and your family
to rot in this cave.
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,303
And after that, we're going
to move into your house
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,682
- [phone beeps]
- Yumyulack's room is bigger.
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,810
That whiny little pussy
must have gotten upgraded!
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,437
Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have
all these bats? Huh?
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,647
Send him a picture of those.
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,816
[bats squealing]
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279
Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,948
[mumbling] Yummy Eric Bana.
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,866
I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,618
Are you stoned?
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792
Hmm.
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:59,588
♪
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,137
[gags, gasps]
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601
A-ha! I knew it.
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,353
[Anthony] [gasps] What're you doing here?
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,063
You're using these mushrooms
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,983
to drug your people
into zonked-out hippies.
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,985
What? No. These are shiitake.
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,738
I know magic mushrooms grow
in a shit-positive environment,
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866
that's why this hole smells like ass.
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,617
Okay, fine, you're right.
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,744
The backyard is a terrifying place to live
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:34,206
and the psilocybin, it helps us become
one with the sand.
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,250
And also we have killer orgies.
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,918
Bullshit! If it was all good,
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,503
then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,797
I'm gonna tell the truth
and let your people decide
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,924
if they like tripping balls all day.
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,135
- Aah!
- You like truth, huh? Fine.
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:49,179
I need these people stoned
so they keep digging.
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:50,681
All this for sand?
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,142
I don't care about the stupid sand.
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,185
What I want is the bottle.
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,770
When I get that whiskey,
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:59,648
I'm going to corner the market
on booze in the backyard.
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,442
I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,110
I can leave all these dummies behind
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,486
and move to Basketballburgh
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,363
where I can buy my way into the elite.
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,782
So you're just gonna abandon these people?
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,075
Of course, I am.
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,577
Rich people can do whatever they want.
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,412
Not if I tell them what you're up to.
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,997
Uh, yeah, about that.
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,749
Remember my awesome sword?
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,833
I'm gonna kill you with it.
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,668
- [sword swishes]
- [Sofia yelps]
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631
You got shit in my eyes!
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,133
Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303
Sorry, Yum. If I just had
confidence in who I was,
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680
I wouldn't have had to make
all those fake boyfriends
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,307
and none of this would've happened.
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,558
We almost have an ocean view.
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,185
I don't need to get an identity
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,728
from ship-printed boyfriends.
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,063
I just have to be myself,
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,023
and then the power of my true personality
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,651
will overcome these boyfriends
and they'll release me.
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,110
Hey, Splash.
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,278
- What do you want?
- [Allister groans]
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,696
This is the real me.
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,074
I like my family. I love to sleep in.
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,785
Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings
from Applebee's
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,370
and said it was 'cause they were cold,
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,413
but I just regretted ordering them.
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,165
That's the real Jesse.
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,333
Now you know.
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,543
[laughs]
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,171
Nice try. That was just
a list of boring traits.
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,507
Teenagers don't develop real personalities
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,550
until they get in their 20s.
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,720
Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,307
No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,476
We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,436
Will Hulu even exist then?
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,563
Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,107
Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,483
to use an ad hominem attack.
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,110
What? No way, you-you can't do that.
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903
Ah! [groans]
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,115
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,325
Wait, don't you wanna hear me
establish my assertion
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,827
with evidence and logic?
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538
- Stop them!
- [blowing whistle]
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,581
[Jesse screaming]
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587
Gavin, we gotta go.
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,507
Just disco fries, please.
I hide the key in my armpit.
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,009
Come on, big guy, wake up.
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,218
[Gavin groaning]
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,804
[♪ intense music]
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,098
You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029
Wh-where are we?
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,822
I need you to get your head on straight.
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,032
- Anthony is--
- [Anthony grunts]
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,950
[Anthony and Sofia scream]
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,118
[Sofia groans]
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,497
[both grunting]
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999
What's going on?
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,877
This bottle belongs
to all the sand people.
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,879
It could change their lives.
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134
With that thinking, you'll never survive
in the backyard.
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,510
- [sword sparkles]
- [squirrel growling]
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,804
Wow, that sword really is cool.
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
- Where did you buy it?
- Buy it? [scoffs]
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,059
I made this by hand.
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,395
Unlike you, I've had to scratch
and claw my own way
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813
through this godforsaken yard.
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,648
Wow, tell me more.
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,318
I made it from the nail file part
of some clippers,
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,403
and the handle is a piece of sticker.
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,989
I once heard that having something shiny
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,658
in the backyard is a really bad idea.
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,285
- [squirrel screeching]
- [gasps]
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288
No, no. [yells]
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,248
[growling]
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,504
[♪ dramatic music]
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,838
[sword swishing]
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,344
[rumbling]
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:19,515
[thud]
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,350
[screeches]
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186
[roars]
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:27,356
[Anthony laughing]
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,234
That's right. I control the sand.
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,443
[wood creaking]
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365
- Get out of there.
- No.
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,991
I've got this!
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329
I'm the master of the sand!
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:43,914
[screaming]
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251
Let's get the fuck out of here
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,460
before he springs out of the sand.
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,629
I have seen too many
of those kind of movies.
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,006
[all grunting]
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,300
♪
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303
Hashtag cardio life.
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,471
I'll never beat these boys
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,223
without a real personality.
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,433
I need life experience fast.
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,726
Maybe I can date a vegan
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,311
or travel to Belize for one month
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,771
and make it my whole thing.
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,606
But that's still so basic.
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,900
Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111
Why does it do that? Just post already.
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446
Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,282
Uh, what the hell is going on?
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,284
When did we end up on a cliff?
What day is it?
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578
I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,038
and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,083
I may be basic,
but now I'm basic with this.
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,293
You bought a car?
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,752
That's the one thing that simulates
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,963
an identity in teens! Yech.
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,716
That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,426
in clinical blue.
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,636
My credit journey starts today.
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,014
You have more personality
than anyone in your grade.
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,849
Why is this happening to me?
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,935
The more interesting I get,
the weaker you become.
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,896
I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,398
and be a designated driver, bitch.
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,567
Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,278
[Splash yells]
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,908
[♪ triumphant crescendo]
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871
- [tires squeal]
- [girl] Ugh.
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,331
How long is this going to take?
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,874
We're starting to sober up.
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,751
This will just take a minute, Stacis.
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,628
And then we can go back to being popular.
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,630
{\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,132
{\an8}Turn me up, queen.
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928
Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,429
[groaning]
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,932
You'll be safe here.
These are your people.
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,434
[Allister groans]
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938
Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,564
to your natural habitats.
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,317
Because I have a car.
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569
- [girls cheer]
- Jesse rules!
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,404
Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,073
and disappoint our stepdads.
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,532
Whoo-hoo!
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410
[Jesse] Wow, what a day.
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,913
We saved the boyfriends,
confronted my past,
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,748
and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,083
I can't believe they thought
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,834
they were on a vacation the whole time.
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,294
What a couple of dipshits.
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:56,964
Wait a minute,
did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,049
Yeah, right? I thought we did.
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551
Didn't Terry make us
those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,678
I made those.
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,929
Ah, geez.
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100
Oh, man. I've never felt
this relaxed in my life.
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,228
Best wellness retreat ever.
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147
Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,276
Yum's gonna be so jealous...
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155
How are you feeling?
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,615
Like shit.
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826
I'm glad you trusted your gut,
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,370
or we'd be stoned
and digging in sand right now.
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:29,746
Huh.
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,124
Maybe you do have what it takes
to make it out here.
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,667
I still have a lot to learn.
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,544
Like, I can't believe that even after
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,170
we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,298
they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,716
and worshiping the sand.
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,551
[Gavin] Ah, I guess we all have
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,344
to find some way to be happy.
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,141
[groaning]
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,934
[bounty hunter] Tell me where they went.
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:53,895
- I told you I don't know.
- Just like the rest of 'em.
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481
You're no use to me.
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,821
[lizard growls]
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:12,622
[♪ thrilling music]
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,713
[♪ dramatic theme]
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:02,672
[mimicking laser fire]
Скриншоты
