Научно-фантастические ролики

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Ой, у Брэдда махач с пришельцами!

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Что ты сейчас базарнул?

Следи за варежкой!

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А то что, засланец мелкий?

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Радуйтесь, что вообще дышать на Земле можете,

потеряшки звезданутые.

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Мы не звезданутые, сам ты звезданутый!

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Иди в жопу, Брэдд, ты вонючка!

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Ой, ну извините, что не хочу,

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чтобы два сраных аватара

в школе всех лазерами испепелили.

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Эй! Что за клевета?!

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Мы так больше не делаем!

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Что ты мне сделаешь, сучёнка?

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В табло тебе наклацаю!

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Прекратить драку,

вы подняли мультяшное облако пыли!

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Господи, аллергия!

Скорее, тащите «Эпипэн».

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Мне нельзя умирать

за каких-то 35 лет до пенсии!

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Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной,

пока на неё не грохнулся астероид.

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Сотне взрослых особей

и их репликантам выдали по пупе

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и отправили в космос

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на поиски необитаемого мира,

нашего нового дома.

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Мы рухнули на Землю, планету, кишащую людьми.

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Да-да, это мой голос.

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Я держу Пупу, меня зовут Корво.

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Это мой сериал,

я уронил Пупу, видите?

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Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю!

Отстойная планета! Люди тупые и странные.

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Почему они вечно бегают безо всякой причины,

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им разве не нужно сохранять энергию,

чтобы убежать от магугу?

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Всем и каждому нужно стоять на месте

и беречь калории на случай встречи с магугу!

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СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ

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Готово!

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Мой язык любви — это микс из подарков,

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физической близости

и песен из сериалов 1980-х.

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А твой язык — Java.

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Блин, а я всем говорю, что я пуффендуец.

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Не все тесты про факультеты

из «Гарри Поттера».

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Очень жаль!

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Больно! Больно!

Как же больно! Терри, Корво!

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Какого хрена с вами случилось?!

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Мы подрались в школе!

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Хулиган по имени Брэдд с удвоенной Д

устроил нам с Джесси двойное П.

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Что я говорил о драках?

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Шлорпиане не опускаются

до низменных людских склок.

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Мы сверхразумная форма жизни.

Насилие не для нас.

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Мы пытались его игнорить, но он сказал,

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что все пришельцы тупые, я — сука,

а его папа может вам навтыкать.

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Плевать, что он сказал, не позволяйте им...

Стоп. Что он сказал?!

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Что пришельцы тупые.

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Дальше.

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Что я мелкая сука.

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Нет, это фигня. Дальше.

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Его папа может вам навтыкать.

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Ой, боже, это детские провокации.

Забейте!

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Это брехня!

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Жалкие людишки возомнили,

что могут меня избить?!

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Я пришелец Корво, драть вашу мать!

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Шутишь? Кому не похер, что сопляк брякнул?

Он вчера в яйцах был!

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Мне не похер!

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Он втянул в конфликт меня и своего отца.

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Честь семьи, команды

и всей миссии висит на волоске, Терри!

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Погоди, Брэдд сказал,

что его папа может навтыкать их папе,

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может, он про меня говорил?

Я тоже отец!

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Ну да, ну да, я скорее папочка, чем отец.

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Точно, но шутка убойная,

спасибо, мне это было нужно.

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Зарядил на раздачу люлей.

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- Корво!

- Пойду лупить незнакомца.

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Корво, стой.

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Если пойдёшь с лазером, будет только хуже!

Он говорит, мы всегда так делаем!

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Ну и ладно, я справлюсь с папой Брэдда

и без шлорпианского сай-фая.

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Весь «сай» и «фай»,

что мне нужен, при мне.

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Ох. Типичнейший пуффендуец.

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Эй!

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Это почти что самая любимая светосфера Корво.

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Она способна уничтожить время и пространство.

А ещё это массажёр!

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О, ясно, попроказничать решили?

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Брось. А ну... брось!

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Пупа, брось, я сказал!

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Пупа, нет! Брось!

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Пупа, сейчас же брось светосферу!

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Чем обязан?

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Ты отец Брэдда?

Я пришелец Корво.

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О, я наслышан.

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Говорят, твой пацан сказал моим репликантам,

что ты можешь мне навалять.

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Придётся преподать тебе урок!

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Кончай агрессировать, мужик.

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Я вырос не на Земле,

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твой скудный умишко

даже не способен осознать мою мощь,

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так что ты конкретно так добазарился,

ссыкло мелкое!

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Не зови меня мелким ссыклом.

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Ой, прости, ты полное ссыкло!

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Не смей перехватывать мой удар, читер!

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Сука!

А... Ох... Ай. Ай, божечки.

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Корво, думаешь, ты можешь тащить сюда

свою уродскую разбухшую тыкву

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и не говорить, где тебя так отмудохали?

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Нарвался на Святых из Бундока,

напали исподтишка.

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Не было никаких Святых.

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Репликанты рассказали

про твою тупую зарубу с папой Брэдда,

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я рада, что ты отвёл душу.

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О, Аиша, ничего я ещё не отвёл.

Что-то не даёт мне покоя.

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Ага, твоё дебильное эго.

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Мне не мог навредить представитель вида,

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ещё не доросший

до технологической сингулярности, это бред.

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Ты идёшь на поводу у своей гордости,

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прямо как в «Гордости и предубеждении, и зомби»

до появления зомби.

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Не в гордости дело,

а в моей субъективной самооценке.

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Будь у меня глаза, я бы их закатила.

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Этот тип ставит под угрозу мой статус

и святость миссии.

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Придётся засайфаить его по полной.

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Аиша, приготовь мне шлорпианский «Мускултини».

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Ладно, но не надо заливать, что это ради миссии.

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Наука в мелочных спорах никогда не подводит!

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Твой злодейский смех — полная херота.

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ГАЗЕТНЫЙ КИОСК

ТОЛЬКО НАЛИЧНЫЕ

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ПОИСК ЦЕЛИ

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ЦЕЛЬ ОБНАРУЖЕНА

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БАБАХ!

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Бросай!

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Ха-ха!

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Да-а!

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О боже!

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Брось!

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Брось! Прошу, брось!

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Не прыгай!

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Тебе ещё жить и жить!

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Нет!

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Бро... сай!

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И что теперь делать?

Я думала это на весь вечер.

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Э-э, можно на шоу монстр-траков сходить.

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Ох, ладно, но только потому,

что я уже спалилась, что у меня не планов.

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40 ЛЕТ НАЗАД

ДОМ ОТЦА ПАПЫ БРЭДДА

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МАЛЕНЬКИЙ ПАПА БРЭДДА

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НАШИ ДНИ

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Нет! Нет!

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Бросай!

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ПУЛИ С САМОНАВЕДЕНИЕМ НА ГОВНЮКОВ

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ЧЁРТ

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ПЫЩ!

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ЧЁРТ

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ДО ПОДЖЕЛУДОЧНОЙ 500 НМ

ТОРПЕДЫ ЗАРЯЖЕНЫ

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АКТИВИРОВАТЬ ТОРПЕДЫ

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Бросай!

00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:36,190

Бросай!

00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:39,570

Стоп, ты кому это говоришь?

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Я Пупе говорю!

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Кому?!

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Суперкомпьютеру у тебя за спиной!

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Слушайте, давайте-ка все всё бросим, а?

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Зелёный прав, вы же мои братаны.

Просто вы же знаете, для меня экшен — это всё.

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Я вас люблю!

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В жопу этот налёт, давайте лучше сходим

на шоу монстр-траков, как в старые добрые.

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Идите ко мне!

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Бросай!

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Ну всё, кабзда тебе, папа Брэдда.

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Так-так-так, похоже, ситуация изменилась.

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Теперь ты у меня дома!

Эта равная битва--

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Равная битва?

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Да, мы два великих воина

в патовой ситуации,

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не сбивай меня с мысли,

папа Брэдда, или, если точнее, Евгений.

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Как ты узнал моё настоящее имя?

00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:23,926

О, я столько о тебе узнал.

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Ты боишься, что тебя съест косатка.

00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:31,183

Ты думал, твоё прикрытие —

крепость, но я нашёл в нём трещинки.

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Сегодня, когда мы, два равновеликих бойца,

столкнулись лицом к лицу,

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я начал собирать о тебе данные.

00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:41,652

Сначала я решил,

что ты просто банальный папашка из пригорода,

00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:44,780

поэтому не мог понять,

как у нас столько раз вышла ничья.

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Что-то я не припомню ничьей.

00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:49,535

Я пришелец с другой планеты,

посему, чтобы выжить на Земле,

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я должен выпивать литр мочи в день,

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хорошо выглядеть в топиках,

но в основном быть наблюдательным.

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Мы сражались... и я мотал на ус.

00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,714

Впервые я заподозрил неладное,

когда увидел картину над твоим камином.

00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,675

Меня не обманула её тривиальность.

00:15:04,910 --> 00:15:07,386

На ней изображён лес в Новой Шотландии,

00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:10,305

который признали одним

из лучших мест для выращивания Ханн,

00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,807

как в фильме «Ханна».

00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:17,062

Малыша Евгения обучал

боевым искусствам его отец, прямо как Ханну.

00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:21,108

Папа отвёз меня в лес

после покушения путешественника во времени.

00:15:21,910 --> 00:15:23,630

Кстати, отец надрал ему зад.

00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,630

Не надрал, они были равны!

00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,860

Ты сделал роботов, похожих на Брэдда?

Совсем долбанулся?!

00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:33,162

Неважно! Наши судьбы переплетены, Евгений.

00:15:33,170 --> 00:15:36,890

Неудержимая сила

против неподъёмной глыбы. Мы инь и ян.

00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,520

Только почему-то я тебя не раз укокошил.

00:15:39,530 --> 00:15:42,796

Возможно, днём ты заметил,

как я проезжал мимо на роликах.

00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,020

Журнал, который ты тогда читал,

привлёк моё внимание.

00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,650

Это когда ты пытался меня убить,

но пожрал говна?

00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:50,012

Нет, не пожрал. Заткнись!

00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:52,306

Мой несравненный дедуктивный дар

подсказал мне,

00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:55,870

что твоё прошлое ещё запутаннее,

чем я предполагал.

00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,396

Позже ты проходил подготовку в России,

эта догадка подтвердилась,

00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,275

когда ты стрелял по мне после того,

как я себя уменьшил и оказался в твоём унитазе.

00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,570

Две пули в голову, одна в сердце,

даже если стреляешь в толкан.

00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:10,840

Что? Ты был у меня в теле, и я тебя высрал?

Я об этом даже не знал!

00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,840

Тогда зачем ты палил по говёхам?

00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:14,036

Чтобы разбить питона.

00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,330

Слушай, меня это достало.

00:16:16,340 --> 00:16:19,499

Моё прошлое тебя не касается,

я не просто так его скрываю.

00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:25,047

На этом можно было бы и разойтись, да нельзя,

ведь ты не просто Ханна, прошедшая школу КГБ.

00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,633

Нет, когда я был в тебе, я взял пробу,

00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:28,675

анализ которой подтвердил,

00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,400

что ты был генетически модифицирован

в лаборатории «Оружия Игрек».

00:16:31,410 --> 00:16:34,181

Это как «Оружие Икс»,

но без нарушения авторских прав,

00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:39,728

программа канадская, как и,

к слову, путин, который ты как раз ел!

00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:44,900

Мы — две стороны одной медали,

Евгений, двуглавый смертоносный дилдак.

00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:48,480

Я тоже мог бы стать злодеем,

как ты, но я сделал иной выбор.

00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:49,400

Ты первым напал!

00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:50,739

Я дрался за правду!

00:16:50,740 --> 00:16:52,824

Ну а ты, Евгений, почему ты дерёшься?

00:16:52,830 --> 00:16:56,410

Из-за подготовки, твоих разбодяженных генов

или исключительно из говнистости?

00:16:56,420 --> 00:17:00,290

Я дерусь только потому, что мой сын пришёл

из школы в слезах и с фингалом.

00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,961

Твои засранцы его травят,

он мне слово в слово всё передал:

00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:08,382

все люди тупые, он мелкая сучка,

а их папа может мне навтыкать.

00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:14,388

Стой-стой-стой, что, реально?

00:17:14,430 --> 00:17:14,930

Ну да.

00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:19,010

Репликанты мне то же самое сказали,

только задирой был Брэдд.

00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:20,680

Они тоже с фингалами пришли?

00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,870

А ведь пришли!

Так ты не грозил начистить мне рыло?

00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,210

Нет. Нет, не грозил.

00:17:29,810 --> 00:17:31,170

Тогда какого буя?!

00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:34,449

Прошу!

00:17:34,450 --> 00:17:40,289

Я больше не выдержу!

Это всё, я выдохся, молю, брось её.

00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:44,459

Зачем? Зачем ты меня мучаешь?!

00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:48,755

Мы же тебя воспитывали!

Обучили реагировать на вербальные команды!

00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,135

Стоп! А точно... «брось»?

00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:58,098

Пупа... отдай?

00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,729

Ура! Мы научили тебя отдавать,

а не бросать!

00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:08,984

Ох, ну и кто теперь пуффендуец? А?

Где распределяющая шляпа? Божечки!

00:18:11,870 --> 00:18:12,696

Брось!

00:18:15,310 --> 00:18:17,659

Так они всё выдумали?

00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:19,661

Они знали, что мы примем вызов,

00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:23,100

два привлекательных воина...

бесспорно равные по силе!

00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:24,770

Ага, убеждай себя дальше.

00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:28,420

Я сказал «бесспорно»,

Евгений, а значит, спорить нельзя!

00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:31,880

Я только не пойму зачем!

Зачем так заморочились?

00:18:31,890 --> 00:18:35,760

Стой, а твои репликанты не отпрашивались утром

на шоу монстр-траков?

00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:38,972

Да, но я не разрешил,

я против монстр-траков,

00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:40,640

слово «монстр» в названии не случайно.

00:18:40,650 --> 00:18:42,184

Я и обычные траки не выношу.

00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:47,022

Стой, так Брэдд у тебя тоже отпрашивался?

Быть не может!

00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:51,730

Да-а!

00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:52,440

Зашибок!

00:18:52,450 --> 00:18:52,770

Да-а!

00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:53,150

Да!

00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,197

Дави эту мразь!

00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,324

Глянь, радуются, говнюки.

00:18:57,330 --> 00:19:00,910

Не знаю, от чего их прёт больше:

от громадных тачек или от того, что мы повелись.

00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,788

План — огонь, надо признать.

00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:04,122

Смотри, как им весело.

00:19:04,130 --> 00:19:07,580

Мне отец веселиться не разрешал.

Может, я слишком давлю на Брэдда?

00:19:07,590 --> 00:19:10,100

Я тоже впечатлён коварством своих репликантов.

00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:13,420

А давай не скажем, что их раскусили.

Пусть думают, что прокатило.

00:19:13,430 --> 00:19:14,040

Серьёзно?

00:19:14,050 --> 00:19:17,320

Да, во время пубертата отыграемся.

00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,762

Отличный план!

00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:23,080

Класс. Но имей в виду:

мы не друзья и вообще не похожи.

00:19:23,090 --> 00:19:23,850

Ясно.

00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,680

А ты не проверял,

на какой факультет бы попал в Хогвартсе?

00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:30,810

Проверял, я пуффендуец. А что?

00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:33,902

О, да так. Просто спрашиваю.

00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:34,860

Крутотень!

00:19:34,870 --> 00:19:35,360

Вот так!

00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:36,760

Огнище!

00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:37,690

Охренеть!

00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:38,824

НЕНАВИЖУ ПОНЕДЕЛЬНИКИ, ОБОЖАЮ ТРАКИ

00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:39,950

Да-а!

00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,220

МОНСТР-ТРАКИ РУЛЯТ!

00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:45,247

Брось! Брось!

00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,430

HULU МУЛЬТИКИ

00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,792

А я Пупа!

00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,790

Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,596

You've got a big mouth, Bradd.

You better watch what you say.

00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,598

What are you gonna do about it,

alien bitch?

00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:18,059

You're lucky you can even breathe

in this atmosphere,

00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,936

lost in space little pieces of shit.

00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,105

{\an8}We're not lost in space,

you're lost in space!

00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,024

I hate you, Bradd, you're a bad egg!

00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,191

Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,944

I don't want matinee-style freaks

creeping around school

00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,863

zapping people into piles of ash.

00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,239

Ooh!

00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,490

Hey, take that back!

00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950

We don't do that anymore!

00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,285

What are you gonna do about it,

you little shit?

00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,120

I'm gonna bounty hunt your ass.

00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:41,875

Stop fighting.

00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,044

You're kicking up

a cartoonish dust cloud!

00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,296

Oh, God, my allergies.

00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,881

Someone get my EpiPen!

00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,259

I can't die, I'm only 35 years away

from retirement.

00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,306

Planet Shlorp

was a perfect utopia,

00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,391

until the asteroid hit.

00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,394

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa,

00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,229

and escaped into the... space,

00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,982

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,192

We crashed on Earth,

00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,527

{\an8}stranding us on an already

overpopulated planet.

00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,154

{\an8}That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,405

{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.

00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,157

{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.

00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,450

{\an8}Bollocks,

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,410

{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,038

{\an8}It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,165

{\an8}Why are humans always running

and jogging for no reason

00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,416

{\an8}when they should be saving their energy

00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,001

{\an8}for when they're being chased

by a Magoogoo?

00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:28,171

{\an8}Everyone should be holding still

and storing calories at all times

00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,631

{\an8}for when the Magoogoo emerges!

00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:40,475

And done. My love language is

a combination of gift giving,

00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,685

physical affection,

and '80s television theme songs.

00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,562

Yours is JavaScript.

00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,731

{\an8}Oh, bugger, I've been telling people

I'm a Hufflepuff.

00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,275

{\an8}Not all quizlets end

in Harry Potter houses, alright?

00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,401

{\an8}Well, they should.

00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,986

{\an8}It hurts. It hurts.

00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,405

{\an8}Ow, it hurts.

Terry, Korvo!

00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,740

{\an8}What the hell happened to you two?

00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,369

We got into a fight at school.

00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,621

A bully named Bradd with two Ds

00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,791

opened a can of double D

whoop ass all over us.

00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,584

{\an8}Oh. What have I told you

about fights?

00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:08,878

{\an8}Shlorpians don't participate

in lowly human combat.

00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,964

{\an8}We are hyperintelligent,

plant-based life forms.

00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,090

{\an8}We don't do violence.

00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,299

We were trying to ignore him,

00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:15,468

but then he said that all aliens are lame,

00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,929

and he called me bitch

and said his dad can beat you up.

00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,139

I don't care what he said.

00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,349

You shouldn't let him get in your--

Wait, what did he say?

00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,017

- All aliens are lame.

- After that.

00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,019

- That I'm a little bitch.

- No, I'm fine with that.

00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,105

- The last thing.

- He said that his dad can beat you up.

00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,732

Oh, please, that's taunting 101.

Who cares?

00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,817

That's horseshit.

00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,319

I can't have anyone thinking

that a measly human can beat me up.

00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,405

I'm Korvo the motherfucking alien.

00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,574

Is this a bit?

Who cares what the kid said?

00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,117

{\an8}He's a cum stain.

00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,494

{\an8}I care. He dragged me

and his dad in on this.

00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,288

{\an8}The honor of this family, this team,

00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,707

{\an8}and the entire mission

hangs in the balance, Terry.

00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,918

{\an8}Wait a minute, Bradd said his dad

could beat up a dad in this family.

00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,295

{\an8}How do we know

he wasn't talking about me?

00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,379

{\an8}I'm a dad too.

00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,430

{\an8}Okay, you're right.

I'm more of a zaddy than a dad.

00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,098

{\an8}It's true.

That was good though, Terry.

00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,642

{\an8}I really needed that.

You've energized me for an ass-kicking.

00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,728

Well, off to hurt a stranger.

Korvo!

00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,855

Korvo, wait.

If you kick his ass with ray guns,

00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,023

it'll just make it worse.

00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,941

That's what he was saying we always do.

00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,235

Oh, please, I can take on

this Bradd's dad

00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,528

without Shlorpian science.

00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,740

I've got all the sci

and fi I need right here.

00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,868

That man is such a Hufflepuff.

00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286

{\an8}Hey!

00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583

That's Korvo's third-favorite glowing orb.

00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,668

It's powered by something

that could destroy time and space.

00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,587

Plus, he uses it to roll out his back.

00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,671

Ah!

00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,798

Oh, okay,

00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,175

you guys are going naughty mode?

00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:39,385

Drop it. Drop it!

00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,723

{\an8}Pupa, I said drop it!

00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,058

{\an8}Pupa, no, drop it!

00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,893

Pupa, you drop that orb right now!

00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,107

{\an8}- Can I help you?

- Are you Bradd's dad?

00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,442

{\an8}I'm Korvo the alien.

00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,735

{\an8}Oh, I've heard about you.

00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,655

{\an8}Word on the road is

your kid told my replicants

00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,864

{\an8}you could beat me up.

00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,033

{\an8}I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,118

You're being real aggressive

right now, man.

00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,703

Well, I didn't evolve on Earth.

00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,331

I have strength beyond

your limited imagination.

00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,832

You can't go around writing checks

00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,001

that your bullshit can't cash,

you little bitch.

00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,836

Don't call me a little bitch.

00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,464

Oh, I'm sorry, you're a big bitch.

00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,175

Don't you grab my fist

mid-swing, you cheater.

00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,113

Dammit. Ugh. Ah.

00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,281

Oh. Oh, God.

00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,950

Korvo, you think

you gonna drag your nasty,

00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,451

beat-up ass through my shit

00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,996

and not tell me how you got so messed up?

00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,291

I ran into the, uh, Boondock Saints,

and they sucker-punched me.

00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,883

And I know there weren't

any Boondocks Saints.

00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:04,178

The replicants told me about

your dumbass beef with Bradd's dad.

00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,514

I'm glad you got it out your system.

00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,058

Oh, Aisha, it is very much

still in my system,

00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,560

but something's not right.

00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,145

Yeah, your stupid ego.

00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,938

I shouldn't be able

to be harmed at all by a human

00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,649

who hasn't even experienced

the technological singularity yet.

00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,734

It doesn't make any sense.

00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,069

You are letting

your pride get the best of you.

00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,655

Like in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,198

before the zombies showed up.

00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,533

This is not about pride.

00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,035

It's about my perceived self-worth.

00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,454

If I had eyes,

you know I'd be rolling 'em.

00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,706

This guy jeopardized

my standing as a leader

00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,999

and the sanctity of the mission.

00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,959

Now I have to go sci-fi on his ass.

00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,253

Aisha, prepare me a Shlorpian Muscle-tini.

00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:40,298

Fine, but nobody's buying

that this is about the mission.

00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:45,303

Using science for petty victories

never goes wrong.

00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,474

Your bwa-ha-ha laugh

is weak as fuck.

00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,904

Mm. Ah!

00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,559

Drop it!

00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,940

Aah!

00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,191

Ha, ha!

00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,320

Yay!

00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,990

Oh, God!

00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,075

Drop it!

00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,389

Drop it!

Please, drop it!

00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:21,477

- Don't jump.

- You have so much to live for.

00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,064

No!

00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,944

Drop... it.

00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,324

What do we do now?

That was gonna be my whole evening.

00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,326

Uh, there's

a Monster Truck rally in town.

00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,246

Ugh, fine, but only

because I already revealed

00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,872

I don't have another option.

00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,437

No, no!

00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,367

Drop it!

00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,080

Drop it.

00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:36,839

Drop it.

00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,675

Wait, who are you tellin' to drop it?

00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,218

I'm telling the Pupa.

00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:44,638

- The what?

- The goddamn supercomputer behind you.

00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,433

You know what? Can we just say

that we're all gonna drop it, please?

00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,894

No, he's right.

You guys are my bros.

00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,812

I really meant it earlier

when I said that for me,

00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,856

the action is the juice.

00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,232

I love you guys.

00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:58,110

Let's ditch this heist

and go to that Monster Truck rally

00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,987

that's in town, for old times' sake.

00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,447

Come on, everyone bring it in.

00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,699

Drop it!

00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,919

You fucked up now,

Bradd's dad.

00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,756

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,722

Well, well, well, it looks like

the tables have turned.

00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,307

You're in my house now!

00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,017

This evenly matched battle of--

00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:14,270

Evenly matched?

Yes, we are two great warriors

00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,354

fighting to a stalemate.

00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,231

Don't try to throw me off, Bradd's dad,

00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,692

or should I say Evgeni?

00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,402

How'd you find my real name?

00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,571

Oh, I know so much about you.

00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,823

Like your fear of being eaten by an orca!

00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,618

You thought your identity was a fortress,

00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,203

but there were cracks in the walls.

00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:35,249

Today, as we two equally

unbreakable fighters faced off,

00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,960

I started to gather information about you.

00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,129

At first, I thought you were just

a boring suburban,

00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,630

ABC Primetime dad.

00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,090

So I couldn't understand

how you could fight me

00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,633

to a draw so many times.

00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,260

I don't remember there being a draw.

00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,262

As an alien

from another planet living on Earth,

00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,056

my survival demands that I drink

a quart of piss a day,

00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,976

look good in a crop top,

but mostly to be observant.

00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,897

While we fought, I had my eyes open.

00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,274

I first knew something was amiss

00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,526

when I saw a painting

above your fireplace.

00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,904

I saw beyond its basicness.

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,197

The forest in that painting

was in Nova Scotia,

00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,991

known for being voted

one of the best places

00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,577

to raise a Hanna,

like from the movie Hanna.

00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,662

Sweet little Evgeni must have been trained

00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,832

in the art of fighting by his dad,

just like a Hanna.

00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,918

My dad moved me

to the woods as a baby,

00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,878

after a time traveler tried to murder me.

00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631

My dad beat his ass.

00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,633

No, he didn't!

They were evenly matched!

00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552

You made your attack robots

look like my kid?

00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,846

That's fucked up.

That doesn't matter.

00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,182

We've been intertwined

from the very beginning, Evgeni.

00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,809

The unstoppable force

versus the immovable object.

00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,894

We balance each other.

00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,521

I don't remember any balance

when I was smoking you.

00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,106

Perhaps earlier

you noticed me pass you

00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,816

on my daily rollerblading route.

00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,735

The literature you were reading

at the magazine stand

00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,028

piqued my interest.

00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,656

You mean when you tried

to kill me and totally ate shit?

00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,823

No, I didn't! Shut up!

00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,034

My sharpened powers

of deduction made me realize

00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,078

that your background

is way more complicated

00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,871

than I previously guessed.

00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,498

{\an8}You were later trained in Russia,

00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,125

{\an8}a hunch that was proven true

when you shot at me

00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,170

after I had shrunken myself down

and ended up in your toilet.

00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,423

Two shots in the head, one in the heart,

even when shooting into a shitter.

00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,176

Wait, you were in my body

and I shit you out?

00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,844

I didn't even know you were in the toilet.

00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,846

Wait, so why were

you shooting at your own shit?

00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,431

To break down the log!

00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,141

You know what? I'm sick of this.

00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601

My past is none of your concern.

00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311

I keep it to myself for a reason.

00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,688

I could leave it at that,

00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,439

but I can't because

you're not just a Hanna

00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,817

who was subsequently trained by the KGB.

00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,194

No. When I was in you,

I took a sample,

00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,405

which analysis proved

you've been genetically altered

00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,407

into a killing machine by Weapon Z,

00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,326

a legally clearable version

of Weapon X for parody purposes,

00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,579

a program that's Canadian

and so is poutine,

00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:39,790

which is what you were eating!

00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,668

We're two sides of the same coin, Evgeni.

00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,045

A double-headed dildo of fighting ability.

00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,089

Sure, I could step into the shadows

and be evil like you,

00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,257

but I choose not to.

00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,676

You attacked me.

I fight for justice.

00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,511

What about you, Evgeni,

why do you fight?

00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,847

Is it your training

or your watered-down genetics?

00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,223

Or are you just an asshole?

00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,641

The only reason I had to fight you

00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,144

was because my son came home

crying with a black eye.

00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,146

Your shitty kids have been bullying him.

00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,981

He told me exactly what they said to him.

00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,983

That all humans are dumb

and that he's a little bitch

00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,235

and that their dad could kick my ass.

00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,075

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, for realsies?

- Yeah.

00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,244

That's exactly what

the replicants told me

00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:18,912

but that Bradd was bullying them.

00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,789

Did they have black eyes too?

00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,666

They bloody did.

00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,877

You didn't threaten

to kick my ass, did you?

00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,212

No, no, I did not.

00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,175

Well then, what the fuck?

00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,929

Please, I don't have

any more in the tank.

00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,640

This is it.

Th-th-this is the end of me.

00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,059

Please just drop it.

00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,063

Why?

Why are you doing this?

00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,647

We trained you to be good.

00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:48,567

We trained you to respond

to a verbal command.

00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,489

Wait, was it, "Drop it"?

00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,826

Pupa... give it.

00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:03,665

Oh, alright, we trained you

to give it, not drop it.

00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,918

Oh, who's the Hufflepuff now, huh?

00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,294

Where's the sorting hat when you need it?

00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,754

Oh, my God.

00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,841

Drop it!

00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,304

So they made the whole thing up.

00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,348

They knew we would have

to answer the call to battle,

00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,225

the two of us,

great handsome warriors

00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,102

of undeniably equal skill.

00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,770

Saying it doesn't make it true.

00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,772

I said undeniably, Evgeni,

00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,524

that means you can't deny it.

00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,484

I just don't understand why.

00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:31,819

Why did they go to the trouble?

00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,570

Wait, did your replicants ask

00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,656

if they could go

to a Monster Truck rally today?

00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742

Yes, but I said no,

I can't support Monster Trucks.

00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,452

The monster part makes them too scary.

00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,121

I don't even support regular trucks.

00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,124

Wait, did Bradd ask you

if he could go too?

00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,917

You don't think?

00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,008

- Yeah!

- Smash that shit!

00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177

Look at those happy little bastards.

00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:58,679

I wonder what they like more,

00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,764

the large wheeled trucks

or that they got away with it.

00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,641

I'm proud of 'em for getting one past me.

00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,059

Look at 'em having fun.

00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,019

My dad never let me go to anything fun.

00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,479

Maybe I'm too hard on the kid.

00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,107

I too am impressed

by my replicants' wiles.

00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067

Hey, let's not tell them

we figured it out.

00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,277

Let 'em think they pulled it off.

00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,695

- Really?

- Yeah.

00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,322

We'll get our revenge

during their impressionable teen years.

00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,408

- I love that plan.

- Good.

00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,451

But just to be clear,

we are not friends,

00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,078

and we are nothing alike.

00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,163

Fine.

00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,623

Have you ever taken

00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,500

one of those Harry Potter

sorting hat quizlets?

00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,918

Sure, I'm a Hufflepuff.

00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,795

- Why?

- Oh, no reason.

00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,672

No reason at all.

00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,007

- Woo!

- Alright!

00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758

- This is awesome!

- Alright. Yeah!

00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,053

Oh, my God!

00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,307

Drop it!

00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,184

Drop it!

00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,604

I'm the Pupa.

00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,844

{\an8}Oh, Bradd and the aliens are gonna fight.

00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,596

You've got a big mouth, Bradd.

You better watch what you say.

00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,598

What are you gonna do about it,

alien bitch?

00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:18,059

You're lucky you can even breathe

in this atmosphere,

00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,936

lost in space little pieces of shit.

00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,105

{\an8}We're not lost in space,

you're lost in space!

00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,024

I hate you, Bradd, you're a bad egg!

00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,191

Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,944

I don't want matinee-style freaks

creeping around school

00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,863

zapping people into piles of ash.

00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,239

[all] Ooh!

00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,490

Hey, take that back!

00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950

We don't do that anymore!

00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,285

What are you gonna do about it,

you little shit?

00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,120

I'm gonna bounty hunt your ass.

00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,455

[all grunting]

00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,790

[students cheering]

00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:41,875

Stop fighting.

00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,044

You're kicking up

a cartoonish dust cloud!

00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,296

[coughs] Oh, God, my allergies.

00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,881

Someone get my EpiPen!

00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,259

I can't die, I'm only 35 years away

from retirement.

00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,969

- [body thuds]

- [urine splatters]

00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,306

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp

was a perfect utopia,

00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,391

until the asteroid hit.

00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,394

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa,

00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,229

and escaped into the... space,

00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,982

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,192

We crashed on Earth,

00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,527

{\an8}stranding us on an already

overpopulated planet.

00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,154

{\an8}That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,405

{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.

00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,157

{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.

00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,450

{\an8}Bollocks,

I just dropped the Pupa.

00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,410

{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,038

{\an8}It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,165

{\an8}Why are humans always running

and jogging for no reason

00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,416

{\an8}when they should be saving their energy

00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,001

{\an8}for when they're being chased

by a Magoogoo?

00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:28,171

{\an8}Everyone should be holding still

and storing calories at all times

00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,631

{\an8}for when the Magoogoo emerges!

00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,842

[♪ dramatic music]

00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,971

[♪ gentle music]

00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:40,475

And done. My love language is

a combination of gift giving,

00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,685

physical affection,

and '80s television theme songs.

00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,562

Yours is JavaScript.

00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,731

{\an8}Oh, bugger, I've been telling people

I'm a Hufflepuff.

00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,275

{\an8}Not all quizlets end

in Harry Potter houses, alright?

00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,401

{\an8}- Well, they should.

- [door opens]

00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,986

{\an8}- It hurts. It hurts.

- [Jesse and Yumyulack sobbing]

00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,405

{\an8}Ow, it hurts.

Terry, Korvo!

00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,740

{\an8}What the hell happened to you two?

00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,369

We got into a fight at school.

00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,621

A bully named Bradd with two Ds

00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,791

opened a can of double D

whoop ass all over us.

00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,584

{\an8}Oh. What have I told you

about fights?

00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:08,878

{\an8}Shlorpians don't participate

in lowly human combat.

00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,964

{\an8}We are hyperintelligent,

plant-based life forms.

00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,090

{\an8}We don't do violence.

00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,299

We were trying to ignore him,

00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:15,468

but then he said that all aliens are lame,

00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,929

and he called me bitch

and said his dad can beat you up.

00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,139

I don't care what he said.

00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,349

You shouldn't let him get in your--

Wait, what did he say?

00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,017

- All aliens are lame.

- After that.

00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,019

- That I'm a little bitch.

- No, I'm fine with that.

00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,105

- The last thing.

- He said that his dad can beat you up.

00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,732

Oh, please, that's taunting 101.

Who cares?

00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,817

That's horseshit.

00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,319

I can't have anyone thinking

that a measly human can beat me up.

00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,405

I'm Korvo the motherfucking alien.

00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,574

Is this a bit?

Who cares what the kid said?

00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,117

{\an8}He's a cum stain.

00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,494

{\an8}I care. He dragged me

and his dad in on this.

00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,288

{\an8}The honor of this family, this team,

00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,707

{\an8}and the entire mission

hangs in the balance, Terry.

00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,918

{\an8}Wait a minute, Bradd said his dad

could beat up a dad in this family.

00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,295

{\an8}How do we know

he wasn't talking about me?

00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,379

{\an8}I'm a dad too.

00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:54,257

{\an8}[Korvo and replicants laugh]

00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:57,051

{\an8}[laughter continues]

00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,430

{\an8}Okay, you're right.

I'm more of a zaddy than a dad.

00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,098

{\an8}It's true.

That was good though, Terry.

00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,642

{\an8}I really needed that.

You've energized me for an ass-kicking.

00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,728

- Well, off to hurt a stranger.

- [Yumyulack] Korvo!

00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,855

Korvo, wait.

If you kick his ass with ray guns,

00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,023

it'll just make it worse.

00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,941

That's what he was saying we always do.

00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,235

Oh, please, I can take on

this Bradd's dad

00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,528

without Shlorpian science.

00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,740

I've got all the sci

and fi I need right here.

00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,868

{\an8}[sighs] That man is such a Hufflepuff.

00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286

{\an8}- [Pupa laughing]

- Hey!

00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,664

[Pupa laughing]

00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583

That's Korvo's third-favorite glowing orb.

00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,668

It's powered by something

that could destroy time and space.

00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,587

Plus, he uses it to roll out his back.

00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,671

Ah!

00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,798

- [Pupa coos]

- Oh, okay,

00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,175

you guys are going naughty mode?

00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:39,385

Drop it. Drop it!

00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,723

{\an8}- Pupa, I said drop it!

- [Pupa coos]

00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,058

{\an8}Pupa, no, drop it!

00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,893

Pupa, you drop that orb right now!

00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,230

[knocking]

00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,107

{\an8}- Can I help you?

- Are you Bradd's dad?

00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,442

{\an8}I'm Korvo the alien.

00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,735

{\an8}Oh, I've heard about you.

00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,655

{\an8}Word on the road is

your kid told my replicants

00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,864

{\an8}you could beat me up.

00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,033

{\an8}I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,118

You're being real aggressive

right now, man.

00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,703

Well, I didn't evolve on Earth.

00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,331

I have strength beyond

your limited imagination.

00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,832

You can't go around writing checks

00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,001

that your bullshit can't cash,

you little bitch.

00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,836

Don't call me a little bitch.

00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,464

Oh, I'm sorry, you're a big bitch.

00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,175

[grunts] Don't you grab my fist

mid-swing, you cheater.

00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,094

[Korvo grunting]

00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:22,929

[bones cracking]

00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,222

[Korvo yells]

00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,641

[Korvo groaning]

00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:30,728

- [fist thudding]

- [face squelching]

00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,150

[Korvo groans]

00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,113

Dammit. Ugh. Ah.

00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,281

Oh. Oh, God.

00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,950

[AISHA] Korvo, you think

you gonna drag your nasty,

00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,451

beat-up ass through my shit

00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,996

and not tell me how you got so messed up?

00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,291

I ran into the, uh, Boondock Saints,

and they sucker-punched me.

00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,167

[Korvo grunts]

00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,169

[Korvo screaming]

00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,589

[hissing]

00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,883

[AISHA] And I know there weren't

any Boondocks Saints.

00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:04,178

The replicants told me about

your dumbass beef with Bradd's dad.

00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,514

I'm glad you got it out your system.

00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,058

Oh, Aisha, it is very much

still in my system,

00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,560

but something's not right.

00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,145

[AISHA] Yeah, your stupid ego.

00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,938

I shouldn't be able

to be harmed at all by a human

00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,649

who hasn't even experienced

the technological singularity yet.

00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,734

It doesn't make any sense.

00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,069

[AISHA] You are letting

your pride get the best of you.

00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,655

Like in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,198

before the zombies showed up.

00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,533

This is not about pride.

00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,035

It's about my perceived self-worth.

00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,454

[AISHA] If I had eyes,

you know I'd be rolling 'em.

00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,706

This guy jeopardized

my standing as a leader

00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,999

and the sanctity of the mission.

00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,959

Now I have to go sci-fi on his ass.

00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,253

Aisha, prepare me a Shlorpian Muscle-tini.

00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:40,298

[AISHA] Fine, but nobody's buying

that this is about the mission.

00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,216

[♪ comical musical sting]

00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:45,303

Using science for petty victories

never goes wrong.

00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,471

[laughs manically]

00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,474

[AISHA] Your bwa-ha-ha laugh

is weak as fuck.

00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,479

[♪ bright music]

00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,150

[feet thumping]

00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,652

♪

00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654

- [door clatters]

- [Korvo grunts]

00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,782

[♪ dramatic music]

00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,534

[chair thuds]

00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,702

[head boings]

00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:13,122

- [♪ dramatic orchestral music]

- [both grunting]

00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,043

[Korvo thuds]

00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,297

[fist thudding]

00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:25,176

[groaning]

00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,762

[Korvo screaming]

00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,390

[doors whoosh]

00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,308

- [♪ bright music]

- [doors whoosh]

00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:39,440

[♪ lively music]

00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,904

Mm. Ah!

00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,781

{\an8}♪

00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117

[scope whirring]

00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,372

[♪ comical music]

00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,332

[Korvo screaming]

00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,417

[thuds]

00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,919

[spear whooshes]

00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,170

- [spear squelches]

- [Korvo grunts]

00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,214

[beeping]

00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,632

[explosion booms]

00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,718

[♪ downtempo whimsical music]

00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,433

[tires screech]

00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,559

Drop it!

00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,853

[horns honking]

00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,313

[tires screeching]

00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,940

- [horn blares]

- Aah!

00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,191

Ha, ha!

00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,568

- [thuds]

- [Terry groans]

00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,320

Yay!

00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,990

Oh, God! [grunts]

00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,075

Drop it!

00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,954

[♪ light swing music]

00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,001

♪

00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,837

[happy humming]

00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,464

[bacon sizzling]

00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,677

[♪ mischievous music]

00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,099

[pan clangs]

00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,938

[birds chirping]

00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,399

[Korvo screaming]

00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,611

[♪ mischievous music]

00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,160

[♪ suspenseful music]

00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,620

[giggling]

00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,833

[acid hisses]

00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,043

[♪ dramatic sting]

00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,925

[♪ suspenseful music]

00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,973

[♪ music crescendos]

00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,394

[acid hisses]

00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,272

[Korvo thuds]

00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,816

- [tube clinks]

- [acid hisses]

00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,152

[♪ whimsical flourish]

00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,447

[sparks hissing]

00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,866

- [glass shatters]

- [♪ dramatic music]

00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,036

[saws whirring]

00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,667

♪

00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,340

[shoes squeaking]

00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,510

- [indistinct chatter]

- [sirens blaring]

00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,389

Drop it!

Please, drop it!

00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,307

[sirens blaring]

00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:21,477

- Don't jump.

- You have so much to live for.

00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,064

No!

00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,358

[JK Sevens beeping]

00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,944

Drop... it.

00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,780

[Pupa whooshes]

00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,324

What do we do now?

That was gonna be my whole evening.

00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,326

Uh, there's

a Monster Truck rally in town.

00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,246

Ugh, fine, but only

because I already revealed

00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,872

I don't have another option.

00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,833

[♪ dramatic music]

00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,088

[zipper buzzes]

00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:56,012

[♪ jaunty music]

00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:00,850

[knocking]

00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,980

[phone ringing]

00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,485

[♪ mischievous music]

00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,155

[baby cooing]

00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,490

[knife flicks]

00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:17,992

[squeals]

00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,994

[Korvo gags]

00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,163

[♪ jaunty music resumes]

00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:26,292

[Korvo grunts]

00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:30,171

[♪ "Ode to Joy" playing]

00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,051

♪

00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,346

[thudding footsteps]

00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,185

[gears whirring]

00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,437

No, no! [grunts]

00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,481

[electricity crackling]

00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:50,191

[Korvo thuds]

00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,068

♪

00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906

[fists thudding]

00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,282

[Korvo thudding]

00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,367

Drop it!

00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,412

[♪ lively music]

00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,501

[water splashes]

00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,127

[quiet cackling]

00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:13,631

[pistol fires]

00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,132

[missile beeps]

00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:18,886

[♪ comical music]

00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,304

[missile beeps]

00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,684

[explosion booms]

00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,852

[eyes blinking]

00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021

♪

00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398

[♪ dramatic music]

00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,482

[bell tings]

00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:38,322

[ship buzzing]

00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,033

[♪ lively music]

00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,868

[ship whooshing]

00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,166

[♪ suspenseful music]

00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:50,876

♪

00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,631

[♪ lively music]

00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:03,222

[♪ suspenseful orchestral music]

00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,475

- [intestines rumbling]

- [alarm blaring]

00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:11,439

[Korvo screams]

00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,649

[screaming continues]

00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:15,609

[ship splashes]

00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,531

[♪ dramatic music]

00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,908

- [gulps]

- [gun firing]

00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:26,954

[♪ tense music]

00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,080

Drop it.

00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,752

[guns clicking]

00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:36,839

Drop it.

00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,675

Wait, who are you tellin' to drop it?

00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,218

I'm telling the Pupa.

00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:44,638

- The what?

- The goddamn supercomputer behind you.

00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,433

You know what? Can we just say

that we're all gonna drop it, please?

00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,894

No, he's right.

You guys are my bros.

00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,812

I really meant it earlier

when I said that for me,

00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,856

the action is the juice.

00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,232

I love you guys.

00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:58,110

Let's ditch this heist

and go to that Monster Truck rally

00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,987

that's in town, for old times' sake.

00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,447

- Come on, everyone bring it in.

- [guns clatter]

00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:02,615

[JK Sevens beeping]

00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,699

Drop it!

00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,912

[♪ lively music]

00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,630

[♪ quizzical music]

00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,559

[♪ lively music]

00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,608

[♪ mischievous music]

00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:47,785

♪

00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,790

[♪ mischievous music]

00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:54,792

[door slams]

00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,919

[Korvo] You fucked up now,

Bradd's dad.

00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,756

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,722

[Korvo] Well, well, well, it looks like

the tables have turned.

00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,307

You're in my house now!

00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,017

This evenly matched battle of--

00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:14,270

- Evenly matched?

- [Korvo] Yes, we are two great warriors

00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,354

fighting to a stalemate.

00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,231

Don't try to throw me off, Bradd's dad,

00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,692

or should I say Evgeni?

00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,402

How'd you find my real name?

00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,571

[Korvo] Oh, I know so much about you.

00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,823

Like your fear of being eaten by an orca!

00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,618

You thought your identity was a fortress,

00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,203

but there were cracks in the walls.

00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:35,249

Today, as we two equally

unbreakable fighters faced off,

00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,960

I started to gather information about you.

00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,129

At first, I thought you were just

a boring suburban,

00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,630

ABC Primetime dad.

00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,090

So I couldn't understand

how you could fight me

00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,633

to a draw so many times.

00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,260

I don't remember there being a draw.

00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,262

[Korvo] As an alien

from another planet living on Earth,

00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,056

my survival demands that I drink

a quart of piss a day,

00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,976

look good in a crop top,

but mostly to be observant.

00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,897

While we fought, I had my eyes open.

00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,274

I first knew something was amiss

00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,526

when I saw a painting

above your fireplace.

00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,904

I saw beyond its basicness.

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,197

The forest in that painting

was in Nova Scotia,

00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,991

known for being voted

one of the best places

00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,577

to raise a Hanna,

like from the movie Hanna.

00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,662

Sweet little Evgeni must have been trained

00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,832

in the art of fighting by his dad,

just like a Hanna.

00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,918

My dad moved me

to the woods as a baby,

00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,878

after a time traveler tried to murder me.

00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631

My dad beat his ass.

00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,633

[Korvo] No, he didn't!

They were evenly matched!

00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552

You made your attack robots

look like my kid?

00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,846

- That's fucked up.

- [Korvo] That doesn't matter.

00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,182

We've been intertwined

from the very beginning, Evgeni.

00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,809

The unstoppable force

versus the immovable object.

00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,894

We balance each other.

00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,521

I don't remember any balance

when I was smoking you.

00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,106

[Korvo] Perhaps earlier

you noticed me pass you

00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,816

on my daily rollerblading route.

00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,735

The literature you were reading

at the magazine stand

00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,028

piqued my interest.

00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,656

You mean when you tried

to kill me and totally ate shit?

00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,823

[Korvo] No, I didn't! Shut up!

00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,034

My sharpened powers

of deduction made me realize

00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,078

that your background

is way more complicated

00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,871

than I previously guessed.

00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,498

{\an8}You were later trained in Russia,

00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,125

{\an8}a hunch that was proven true

when you shot at me

00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,170

after I had shrunken myself down

and ended up in your toilet.

00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,423

Two shots in the head, one in the heart,

even when shooting into a shitter.

00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,176

Wait, you were in my body

and I shit you out?

00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,844

I didn't even know you were in the toilet.

00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,846

[Korvo] Wait, so why were

you shooting at your own shit?

00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,431

To break down the log!

00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,141

You know what? I'm sick of this.

00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601

My past is none of your concern.

00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311

I keep it to myself for a reason.

00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,688

[Korvo] I could leave it at that,

00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,439

but I can't because

you're not just a Hanna

00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,817

who was subsequently trained by the KGB.

00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,194

No. When I was in you,

I took a sample,

00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,405

which analysis proved

you've been genetically altered

00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,407

into a killing machine by Weapon Z,

00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,326

a legally clearable version

of Weapon X for parody purposes,

00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,579

a program that's Canadian

and so is poutine,

00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:39,790

which is what you were eating!

00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,668

We're two sides of the same coin, Evgeni.

00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,045

A double-headed dildo of fighting ability.

00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,089

Sure, I could step into the shadows

and be evil like you,

00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,257

but I choose not to.

00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,676

- You attacked me.

- [Korvo] I fight for justice.

00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,511

What about you, Evgeni,

why do you fight?

00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,847

Is it your training

or your watered-down genetics?

00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,223

Or are you just an asshole?

00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,641

The only reason I had to fight you

00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,144

was because my son came home

crying with a black eye.

00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,146

Your shitty kids have been bullying him.

00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,981

He told me exactly what they said to him.

00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,983

That all humans are dumb

and that he's a little bitch

00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,235

and that their dad could kick my ass.

00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,487

[robots whir and thud]

00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,075

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, for realsies?

- Yeah.

00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,244

That's exactly what

the replicants told me

00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:18,912

but that Bradd was bullying them.

00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,789

Did they have black eyes too?

00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,666

They bloody did.

00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,877

You didn't threaten

to kick my ass, did you?

00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,212

No, no, I did not.

00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,175

Well then, what the fuck?

00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,093

[♪ dramatic music]

00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,929

Please, I don't have

any more in the tank.

00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,640

This is it.

Th-th-this is the end of me.

00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,059

Please just drop it.

00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,063

[crying] Why?

Why are you doing this?

00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,647

We trained you to be good.

00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:48,567

We trained you to respond

to a verbal command.

00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:49,693

[groans]

00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,489

Wait, was it, "Drop it"?

00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,826

[gasps] Pupa... give it.

00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:03,665

Oh, alright, we trained you

to give it, not drop it.

00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,918

Oh, who's the Hufflepuff now, huh?

00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,294

Where's the sorting hat when you need it?

00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,754

Oh, my God.

00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,841

- [Terry giggles]

- Drop it!

00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,304

So they made the whole thing up.

00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,348

They knew we would have

to answer the call to battle,

00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,225

the two of us,

great handsome warriors

00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,102

of undeniably equal skill.

00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,770

Saying it doesn't make it true.

00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,772

I said undeniably, Evgeni,

00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,524

that means you can't deny it.

00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,484

I just don't understand why.

00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:31,819

Why did they go to the trouble?

00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,570

Wait, did your replicants ask

00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,656

if they could go

to a Monster Truck rally today?

00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742

Yes, but I said no,

I can't support Monster Trucks.

00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,452

The monster part makes them too scary.

00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,121

I don't even support regular trucks.

00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,124

Wait, did Bradd ask you

if he could go too?

00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,917

You don't think?

00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,712

[crowd cheering]

00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,008

- Yeah!

- Smash that shit!

00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177

Look at those happy little bastards.

00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:58,679

I wonder what they like more,

00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,764

the large wheeled trucks

or that they got away with it.

00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,641

I'm proud of 'em for getting one past me.

00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,059

Look at 'em having fun.

00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,019

My dad never let me go to anything fun.

00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,479

Maybe I'm too hard on the kid.

00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,107

I too am impressed

by my replicants' wiles.

00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067

Hey, let's not tell them

we figured it out.

00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,277

Let 'em think they pulled it off.

00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,695

- Really?

- Yeah.

00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,322

We'll get our revenge

during their impressionable teen years.

00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,408

- I love that plan.

- Good.

00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,451

But just to be clear,

we are not friends,

00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,078

and we are nothing alike.

00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,163

Fine.

00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,623

Have you ever taken

00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,500

one of those Harry Potter

sorting hat quizlets?

00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,918

Sure, I'm a Hufflepuff.

00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,795

- Why?

- Oh, no reason.

00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,672

No reason at all.

00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,007

- Woo!

- Alright!

00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758

- This is awesome!

- Alright. Yeah!

00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,053

- Oh, my God!

- [crowd cheering]

00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:42,222

[Terry laughing]

00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,307

Drop it!

00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,184

Drop it!

00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,604

I'm the Pupa.

00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:52,608

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,442

[mimicking laser fire]