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Научно-фантастические ролики
The Sci-Fi Rollerblades
Сезон: 05Серия: 06
Описание
Юмьюлака и Джесси в школе обижает хулиган. Корво выясняет отношения с отцом этого хулигана. Пупа не выпускает изо рта сферу, обладающую разрушительной силой. Терри гоняется за Пупой по всему городу, чтобы отнять эту сферу.
Субтитры
- 00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:08,730 ШКОЛА ИМЕНИ ДЖЕЙМСА ЭРЛА ДЖОНСА ПОЗДРАВЛЯЕМ КОЛИНА, ЗАДИРУ ГОДА!
- 00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:10,740 Ой, у Брэдда махач с пришельцами!
- 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,610 Что ты сейчас базарнул? Следи за варежкой!
- 00:00:13,670 --> 00:00:15,745 А то что, засланец мелкий?
- 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:19,950 Радуйтесь, что вообще дышать на Земле можете, потеряшки звезданутые.
- 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,100 Мы не звезданутые, сам ты звезданутый!
- 00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,020 Иди в жопу, Брэдд, ты вонючка!
- 00:00:24,030 --> 00:00:26,130 Ой, ну извините, что не хочу,
- 00:00:26,140 --> 00:00:31,010 чтобы два сраных аватара в школе всех лазерами испепелили.
- 00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:32,630 Эй! Что за клевета?!
- 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:33,930 Мы так больше не делаем!
- 00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,550 Что ты мне сделаешь, сучёнка?
- 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,120 В табло тебе наклацаю!
- 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,190 Прекратить драку, вы подняли мультяшное облако пыли!
- 00:00:44,950 --> 00:00:47,860 Господи, аллергия! Скорее, тащите «Эпипэн».
- 00:00:47,870 --> 00:00:52,448 Мне нельзя умирать за каких-то 35 лет до пенсии!
- 00:00:53,810 --> 00:00:58,621 Планета Шлорп была просто идеальной, пока на неё не грохнулся астероид.
- 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,708 Сотне взрослых особей и их репликантам выдали по пупе
- 00:01:01,710 --> 00:01:03,376 и отправили в космос
- 00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:06,120 на поиски необитаемого мира, нашего нового дома.
- 00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:09,841 Мы рухнули на Землю, планету, кишащую людьми.
- 00:01:09,850 --> 00:01:11,467 Да-да, это мой голос.
- 00:01:11,470 --> 00:01:13,511 Я держу Пупу, меня зовут Корво.
- 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,055 Это мой сериал, я уронил Пупу, видите?
- 00:01:16,060 --> 00:01:20,050 Как же нелепо. Ненавижу Землю! Отстойная планета! Люди тупые и странные.
- 00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:22,478 Почему они вечно бегают безо всякой причины,
- 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,189 им разве не нужно сохранять энергию, чтобы убежать от магугу?
- 00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:29,690 Всем и каждому нужно стоять на месте и беречь калории на случай встречи с магугу!
- 00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:32,820 СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ
- 00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:38,077 Готово!
- 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,455 Мой язык любви — это микс из подарков,
- 00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:42,832 физической близости и песен из сериалов 1980-х.
- 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,790 А твой язык — Java.
- 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,730 Блин, а я всем говорю, что я пуффендуец.
- 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,420 Не все тесты про факультеты из «Гарри Поттера».
- 00:01:49,430 --> 00:01:50,400 Очень жаль!
- 00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:54,590 Больно! Больно! Как же больно! Терри, Корво!
- 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,170 Какого хрена с вами случилось?!
- 00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:59,724 Мы подрались в школе!
- 00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:04,790 Хулиган по имени Брэдд с удвоенной Д устроил нам с Джесси двойное П.
- 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,731 Что я говорил о драках?
- 00:02:06,740 --> 00:02:09,150 Шлорпиане не опускаются до низменных людских склок.
- 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,150 Мы сверхразумная форма жизни. Насилие не для нас.
- 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,238 Мы пытались его игнорить, но он сказал,
- 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,070 что все пришельцы тупые, я — сука, а его папа может вам навтыкать.
- 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,350 Плевать, что он сказал, не позволяйте им... Стоп. Что он сказал?!
- 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,740 Что пришельцы тупые.
- 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:23,200 Дальше.
- 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:24,160 Что я мелкая сука.
- 00:02:24,170 --> 00:02:25,790 Нет, это фигня. Дальше.
- 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,330 Его папа может вам навтыкать.
- 00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:29,730 Ой, боже, это детские провокации. Забейте!
- 00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:31,005 Это брехня!
- 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:33,549 Жалкие людишки возомнили, что могут меня избить?!
- 00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:35,400 Я пришелец Корво, драть вашу мать!
- 00:02:35,410 --> 00:02:39,180 Шутишь? Кому не похер, что сопляк брякнул? Он вчера в яйцах был!
- 00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:40,056 Мне не похер!
- 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,266 Он втянул в конфликт меня и своего отца.
- 00:02:42,270 --> 00:02:45,850 Честь семьи, команды и всей миссии висит на волоске, Терри!
- 00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:49,065 Погоди, Брэдд сказал, что его папа может навтыкать их папе,
- 00:02:49,070 --> 00:02:51,484 может, он про меня говорил? Я тоже отец!
- 00:02:57,930 --> 00:03:00,430 Ну да, ну да, я скорее папочка, чем отец.
- 00:03:00,670 --> 00:03:03,287 Точно, но шутка убойная, спасибо, мне это было нужно.
- 00:03:03,290 --> 00:03:04,664 Зарядил на раздачу люлей.
- 00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:06,958 - Корво! - Пойду лупить незнакомца.
- 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:07,583 Корво, стой.
- 00:03:07,590 --> 00:03:11,830 Если пойдёшь с лазером, будет только хуже! Он говорит, мы всегда так делаем!
- 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,883 Ну и ладно, я справлюсь с папой Брэдда и без шлорпианского сай-фая.
- 00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:19,137 Весь «сай» и «фай», что мне нужен, при мне.
- 00:03:19,290 --> 00:03:22,306 Ох. Типичнейший пуффендуец.
- 00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:23,433 Эй!
- 00:03:26,690 --> 00:03:29,063 Это почти что самая любимая светосфера Корво.
- 00:03:29,070 --> 00:03:33,693 Она способна уничтожить время и пространство. А ещё это массажёр!
- 00:03:34,820 --> 00:03:37,363 О, ясно, попроказничать решили?
- 00:03:37,370 --> 00:03:39,657 Брось. А ну... брось!
- 00:03:41,370 --> 00:03:42,577 Пупа, брось, я сказал!
- 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,204 Пупа, нет! Брось!
- 00:03:45,210 --> 00:03:47,123 Пупа, сейчас же брось светосферу!
- 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:51,830 Чем обязан?
- 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,630 Ты отец Брэдда? Я пришелец Корво.
- 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:55,798 О, я наслышан.
- 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,969 Говорят, твой пацан сказал моим репликантам, что ты можешь мне навалять.
- 00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:02,138 Придётся преподать тебе урок!
- 00:04:02,140 --> 00:04:04,090 Кончай агрессировать, мужик.
- 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,975 Я вырос не на Земле,
- 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,519 твой скудный умишко даже не способен осознать мою мощь,
- 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:12,273 так что ты конкретно так добазарился, ссыкло мелкое!
- 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,830 Не зови меня мелким ссыклом.
- 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,527 Ой, прости, ты полное ссыкло!
- 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:19,697 Не смей перехватывать мой удар, читер!
- 00:04:37,530 --> 00:04:41,840 Сука! А... Ох... Ай. Ай, божечки.
- 00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:45,723 Корво, думаешь, ты можешь тащить сюда свою уродскую разбухшую тыкву
- 00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:48,100 и не говорить, где тебя так отмудохали?
- 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:51,521 Нарвался на Святых из Бундока, напали исподтишка.
- 00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:01,072 Не было никаких Святых.
- 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,367 Репликанты рассказали про твою тупую зарубу с папой Брэдда,
- 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,661 я рада, что ты отвёл душу.
- 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:10,560 О, Аиша, ничего я ещё не отвёл. Что-то не даёт мне покоя.
- 00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:12,140 Ага, твоё дебильное эго.
- 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:13,834 Мне не мог навредить представитель вида,
- 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,730 ещё не доросший до технологической сингулярности, это бред.
- 00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:20,258 Ты идёшь на поводу у своей гордости,
- 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:24,190 прямо как в «Гордости и предубеждении, и зомби» до появления зомби.
- 00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:27,223 Не в гордости дело, а в моей субъективной самооценке.
- 00:05:27,230 --> 00:05:29,767 Будь у меня глаза, я бы их закатила.
- 00:05:29,770 --> 00:05:33,187 Этот тип ставит под угрозу мой статус и святость миссии.
- 00:05:33,190 --> 00:05:35,106 Придётся засайфаить его по полной.
- 00:05:35,110 --> 00:05:37,250 Аиша, приготовь мне шлорпианский «Мускултини».
- 00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:40,360 Ладно, но не надо заливать, что это ради миссии.
- 00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:45,440 Наука в мелочных спорах никогда не подводит!
- 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,829 Твой злодейский смех — полная херота.
- 00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:39,420 ГАЗЕТНЫЙ КИОСК ТОЛЬКО НАЛИЧНЫЕ
- 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,090 ПОИСК ЦЕЛИ
- 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,220 ЦЕЛЬ ОБНАРУЖЕНА
- 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,690 БАБАХ!
- 00:07:13,790 --> 00:07:14,560 Бросай!
- 00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,171 Ха-ха!
- 00:07:25,430 --> 00:07:26,217 Да-а!
- 00:07:26,790 --> 00:07:27,590 О боже!
- 00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:30,550 Брось!
- 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:16,619 Брось! Прошу, брось!
- 00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:19,280 Не прыгай!
- 00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:21,040 Тебе ещё жить и жить!
- 00:09:23,610 --> 00:09:25,060 Нет!
- 00:09:28,490 --> 00:09:30,633 Бро... сай!
- 00:09:32,790 --> 00:09:35,320 И что теперь делать? Я думала это на весь вечер.
- 00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:37,320 Э-э, можно на шоу монстр-траков сходить.
- 00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:41,894 Ох, ладно, но только потому, что я уже спалилась, что у меня не планов.
- 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,570 40 ЛЕТ НАЗАД ДОМ ОТЦА ПАПЫ БРЭДДА
- 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,550 МАЛЕНЬКИЙ ПАПА БРЭДДА
- 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,070 НАШИ ДНИ
- 00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,080 Нет! Нет!
- 00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,360 Бросай!
- 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:03,050 ПУЛИ С САМОНАВЕДЕНИЕМ НА ГОВНЮКОВ
- 00:11:22,630 --> 00:11:23,620 ЧЁРТ
- 00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:24,740 ПЫЩ!
- 00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,160 ЧЁРТ
- 00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:02,910 ДО ПОДЖЕЛУДОЧНОЙ 500 НМ ТОРПЕДЫ ЗАРЯЖЕНЫ
- 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,450 АКТИВИРОВАТЬ ТОРПЕДЫ
- 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,080 Бросай!
- 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:36,190 Бросай!
- 00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:39,570 Стоп, ты кому это говоришь?
- 00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,220 Я Пупе говорю!
- 00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:42,030 Кому?!
- 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,910 Суперкомпьютеру у тебя за спиной!
- 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,430 Слушайте, давайте-ка все всё бросим, а?
- 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:53,850 Зелёный прав, вы же мои братаны. Просто вы же знаете, для меня экшен — это всё.
- 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,230 Я вас люблю!
- 00:12:55,240 --> 00:13:00,134 В жопу этот налёт, давайте лучше сходим на шоу монстр-траков, как в старые добрые.
- 00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:01,510 Идите ко мне!
- 00:13:02,930 --> 00:13:03,700 Бросай!
- 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,274 Ну всё, кабзда тебе, папа Брэдда.
- 00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:08,911 Так-так-так, похоже, ситуация изменилась.
- 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,370 Теперь ты у меня дома! Эта равная битва--
- 00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:13,080 Равная битва?
- 00:14:13,090 --> 00:14:15,751 Да, мы два великих воина в патовой ситуации,
- 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,710 не сбивай меня с мысли, папа Брэдда, или, если точнее, Евгений.
- 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,500 Как ты узнал моё настоящее имя?
- 00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:23,926 О, я столько о тебе узнал.
- 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,969 Ты боишься, что тебя съест косатка.
- 00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:31,183 Ты думал, твоё прикрытие — крепость, но я нашёл в нём трещинки.
- 00:14:31,190 --> 00:14:35,854 Сегодня, когда мы, два равновеликих бойца, столкнулись лицом к лицу,
- 00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:37,856 я начал собирать о тебе данные.
- 00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:41,652 Сначала я решил, что ты просто банальный папашка из пригорода,
- 00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:44,780 поэтому не мог понять, как у нас столько раз вышла ничья.
- 00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:46,260 Что-то я не припомню ничьей.
- 00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:49,535 Я пришелец с другой планеты, посему, чтобы выжить на Земле,
- 00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,203 я должен выпивать литр мочи в день,
- 00:14:51,210 --> 00:14:54,248 хорошо выглядеть в топиках, но в основном быть наблюдательным.
- 00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:58,001 Мы сражались... и я мотал на ус.
- 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,714 Впервые я заподозрил неладное, когда увидел картину над твоим камином.
- 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,675 Меня не обманула её тривиальность.
- 00:15:04,910 --> 00:15:07,386 На ней изображён лес в Новой Шотландии,
- 00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:10,305 который признали одним из лучших мест для выращивания Ханн,
- 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,807 как в фильме «Ханна».
- 00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:17,062 Малыша Евгения обучал боевым искусствам его отец, прямо как Ханну.
- 00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:21,108 Папа отвёз меня в лес после покушения путешественника во времени.
- 00:15:21,910 --> 00:15:23,630 Кстати, отец надрал ему зад.
- 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,630 Не надрал, они были равны!
- 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,860 Ты сделал роботов, похожих на Брэдда? Совсем долбанулся?!
- 00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:33,162 Неважно! Наши судьбы переплетены, Евгений.
- 00:15:33,170 --> 00:15:36,890 Неудержимая сила против неподъёмной глыбы. Мы инь и ян.
- 00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,520 Только почему-то я тебя не раз укокошил.
- 00:15:39,530 --> 00:15:42,796 Возможно, днём ты заметил, как я проезжал мимо на роликах.
- 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,020 Журнал, который ты тогда читал, привлёк моё внимание.
- 00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,650 Это когда ты пытался меня убить, но пожрал говна?
- 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:50,012 Нет, не пожрал. Заткнись!
- 00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:52,306 Мой несравненный дедуктивный дар подсказал мне,
- 00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:55,870 что твоё прошлое ещё запутаннее, чем я предполагал.
- 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,396 Позже ты проходил подготовку в России, эта догадка подтвердилась,
- 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,275 когда ты стрелял по мне после того, как я себя уменьшил и оказался в твоём унитазе.
- 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,570 Две пули в голову, одна в сердце, даже если стреляешь в толкан.
- 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:10,840 Что? Ты был у меня в теле, и я тебя высрал? Я об этом даже не знал!
- 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,840 Тогда зачем ты палил по говёхам?
- 00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:14,036 Чтобы разбить питона.
- 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,330 Слушай, меня это достало.
- 00:16:16,340 --> 00:16:19,499 Моё прошлое тебя не касается, я не просто так его скрываю.
- 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:25,047 На этом можно было бы и разойтись, да нельзя, ведь ты не просто Ханна, прошедшая школу КГБ.
- 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,633 Нет, когда я был в тебе, я взял пробу,
- 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:28,675 анализ которой подтвердил,
- 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,400 что ты был генетически модифицирован в лаборатории «Оружия Игрек».
- 00:16:31,410 --> 00:16:34,181 Это как «Оружие Икс», но без нарушения авторских прав,
- 00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:39,728 программа канадская, как и, к слову, путин, который ты как раз ел!
- 00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:44,900 Мы — две стороны одной медали, Евгений, двуглавый смертоносный дилдак.
- 00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:48,480 Я тоже мог бы стать злодеем, как ты, но я сделал иной выбор.
- 00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:49,400 Ты первым напал!
- 00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:50,739 Я дрался за правду!
- 00:16:50,740 --> 00:16:52,824 Ну а ты, Евгений, почему ты дерёшься?
- 00:16:52,830 --> 00:16:56,410 Из-за подготовки, твоих разбодяженных генов или исключительно из говнистости?
- 00:16:56,420 --> 00:17:00,290 Я дерусь только потому, что мой сын пришёл из школы в слезах и с фингалом.
- 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,961 Твои засранцы его травят, он мне слово в слово всё передал:
- 00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:08,382 все люди тупые, он мелкая сучка, а их папа может мне навтыкать.
- 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:14,388 Стой-стой-стой, что, реально?
- 00:17:14,430 --> 00:17:14,930 Ну да.
- 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:19,010 Репликанты мне то же самое сказали, только задирой был Брэдд.
- 00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:20,680 Они тоже с фингалами пришли?
- 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,870 А ведь пришли! Так ты не грозил начистить мне рыло?
- 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,210 Нет. Нет, не грозил.
- 00:17:29,810 --> 00:17:31,170 Тогда какого буя?!
- 00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:34,449 Прошу!
- 00:17:34,450 --> 00:17:40,289 Я больше не выдержу! Это всё, я выдохся, молю, брось её.
- 00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:44,459 Зачем? Зачем ты меня мучаешь?!
- 00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:48,755 Мы же тебя воспитывали! Обучили реагировать на вербальные команды!
- 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,135 Стоп! А точно... «брось»?
- 00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:58,098 Пупа... отдай?
- 00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,729 Ура! Мы научили тебя отдавать, а не бросать!
- 00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:08,984 Ох, ну и кто теперь пуффендуец? А? Где распределяющая шляпа? Божечки!
- 00:18:11,870 --> 00:18:12,696 Брось!
- 00:18:15,310 --> 00:18:17,659 Так они всё выдумали?
- 00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:19,661 Они знали, что мы примем вызов,
- 00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:23,100 два привлекательных воина... бесспорно равные по силе!
- 00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:24,770 Ага, убеждай себя дальше.
- 00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:28,420 Я сказал «бесспорно», Евгений, а значит, спорить нельзя!
- 00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:31,880 Я только не пойму зачем! Зачем так заморочились?
- 00:18:31,890 --> 00:18:35,760 Стой, а твои репликанты не отпрашивались утром на шоу монстр-траков?
- 00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:38,972 Да, но я не разрешил, я против монстр-траков,
- 00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:40,640 слово «монстр» в названии не случайно.
- 00:18:40,650 --> 00:18:42,184 Я и обычные траки не выношу.
- 00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:47,022 Стой, так Брэдд у тебя тоже отпрашивался? Быть не может!
- 00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:51,730 Да-а!
- 00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:52,440 Зашибок!
- 00:18:52,450 --> 00:18:52,770 Да-а!
- 00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:53,150 Да!
- 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,197 Дави эту мразь!
- 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,324 Глянь, радуются, говнюки.
- 00:18:57,330 --> 00:19:00,910 Не знаю, от чего их прёт больше: от громадных тачек или от того, что мы повелись.
- 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,788 План — огонь, надо признать.
- 00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:04,122 Смотри, как им весело.
- 00:19:04,130 --> 00:19:07,580 Мне отец веселиться не разрешал. Может, я слишком давлю на Брэдда?
- 00:19:07,590 --> 00:19:10,100 Я тоже впечатлён коварством своих репликантов.
- 00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:13,420 А давай не скажем, что их раскусили. Пусть думают, что прокатило.
- 00:19:13,430 --> 00:19:14,040 Серьёзно?
- 00:19:14,050 --> 00:19:17,320 Да, во время пубертата отыграемся.
- 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,762 Отличный план!
- 00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:23,080 Класс. Но имей в виду: мы не друзья и вообще не похожи.
- 00:19:23,090 --> 00:19:23,850 Ясно.
- 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,680 А ты не проверял, на какой факультет бы попал в Хогвартсе?
- 00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:30,810 Проверял, я пуффендуец. А что?
- 00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:33,902 О, да так. Просто спрашиваю.
- 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:34,860 Крутотень!
- 00:19:34,870 --> 00:19:35,360 Вот так!
- 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:36,760 Огнище!
- 00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:37,690 Охренеть!
- 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:38,824 НЕНАВИЖУ ПОНЕДЕЛЬНИКИ, ОБОЖАЮ ТРАКИ
- 00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:39,950 Да-а!
- 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,220 МОНСТР-ТРАКИ РУЛЯТ!
- 00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:45,247 Брось! Брось!
- 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,430 HULU МУЛЬТИКИ
- 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,792 А я Пупа!
- 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,790 Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.
- 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,844 {\an8}Oh, Bradd and the aliens are gonna fight.
- 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,596 You've got a big mouth, Bradd. You better watch what you say.
- 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,598 What are you gonna do about it, alien bitch?
- 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:18,059 You're lucky you can even breathe in this atmosphere,
- 00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,936 lost in space little pieces of shit.
- 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,105 {\an8}We're not lost in space, you're lost in space!
- 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,024 I hate you, Bradd, you're a bad egg!
- 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,191 Oh, I'm so sorry.
- 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,944 I don't want matinee-style freaks creeping around school
- 00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,863 zapping people into piles of ash.
- 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,239 Ooh!
- 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,490 Hey, take that back!
- 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950 We don't do that anymore!
- 00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,285 What are you gonna do about it, you little shit?
- 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,120 I'm gonna bounty hunt your ass.
- 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:41,875 Stop fighting.
- 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,044 You're kicking up a cartoonish dust cloud!
- 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,296 Oh, God, my allergies.
- 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,881 Someone get my EpiPen!
- 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,259 I can't die, I'm only 35 years away from retirement.
- 00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,306 <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
- 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,391 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
- 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,394 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,</i>
- 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,229 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
- 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,982 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
- 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,192 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
- 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,527 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
- 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,154 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
- 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,405 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
- 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,157 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
- 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,450 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
- 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,410 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
- 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,038 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.</i>
- 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,165 {\an8}<i>Why are humans always running and jogging for no reason</i>
- 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,416 {\an8}<i>when they should be saving their energy</i>
- 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,001 {\an8}<i>for when they're being chased by a Magoogoo?</i>
- 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:28,171 {\an8}<i>Everyone should be holding still and storing calories at all times</i>
- 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,631 {\an8}<i>for when the Magoogoo emerges</i>!
- 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:40,475 And done. My love language is a combination of gift giving,
- 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,685 physical affection, and '80s television theme songs.
- 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,562 Yours is JavaScript.
- 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,731 {\an8}Oh, bugger, I've been telling people I'm a Hufflepuff.
- 00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,275 {\an8}Not all quizlets end in Harry Potter houses, alright?
- 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,401 {\an8}Well, they should.
- 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,986 {\an8}It hurts. It hurts.
- 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,405 {\an8}Ow, it hurts. Terry, Korvo!
- 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,740 {\an8}What the hell happened to you two?
- 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,369 We got into a fight at school.
- 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,621 A bully named Bradd with two Ds
- 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,791 opened a can of double D whoop ass all over us.
- 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,584 {\an8}Oh. What have I told you about fights?
- 00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:08,878 {\an8}Shlorpians don't participate in lowly human combat.
- 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,964 {\an8}We are hyperintelligent, plant-based life forms.
- 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,090 {\an8}We don't do violence.
- 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,299 We were trying to ignore him,
- 00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:15,468 but then he said that all aliens are lame,
- 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,929 and he called me bitch and said his dad can beat you up.
- 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,139 I don't care what he said.
- 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,349 You shouldn't let him get in your-- Wait, what did he say?
- 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,017 - All aliens are lame. - After that.
- 00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,019 - That I'm a little bitch. - No, I'm fine with that.
- 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,105 - The last thing. - He said that his dad can beat you up.
- 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,732 Oh, please, that's taunting 101. Who cares?
- 00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,817 That's horseshit.
- 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,319 I can't have anyone thinking that a measly human can beat me up.
- 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,405 I'm Korvo the motherfucking alien.
- 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,574 Is this a bit? Who cares what the kid said?
- 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,117 {\an8}He's a cum stain.
- 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,494 {\an8}I care. He dragged me and his dad in on this.
- 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,288 {\an8}The honor of this family, this team,
- 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,707 {\an8}and the entire mission hangs in the balance, Terry.
- 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,918 {\an8}Wait a minute, Bradd said his dad could beat up a dad in this family.
- 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,295 {\an8}How do we know he wasn't talking about me?
- 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,379 {\an8}I'm a dad too.
- 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,430 {\an8}Okay, you're right. I'm more of a zaddy than a dad.
- 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,098 {\an8}It's true. That was good though, Terry.
- 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,642 {\an8}I really needed that. You've energized me for an ass-kicking.
- 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,728 Well, off to hurt a stranger. Korvo!
- 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,855 Korvo, wait. If you kick his ass with ray guns,
- 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,023 it'll just make it worse.
- 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,941 That's what he was saying we always do.
- 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,235 Oh, please, I can take on this Bradd's dad
- 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,528 without Shlorpian science.
- 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,740 I've got all the sci and fi I need right here.
- 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,868 That man is such a Hufflepuff.
- 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286 {\an8}Hey!
- 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583 That's Korvo's third-favorite glowing orb.
- 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,668 It's powered by something that could destroy time and space.
- 00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,587 Plus, he uses it to roll out his back.
- 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,671 Ah!
- 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,798 Oh, okay,
- 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,175 you guys are going naughty mode?
- 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:39,385 Drop it. Drop it!
- 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,723 {\an8}Pupa, I said drop it!
- 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,058 {\an8}Pupa, no, drop it!
- 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,893 Pupa, you drop that orb right now!
- 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,107 {\an8}- Can I help you? - Are you Bradd's dad?
- 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,442 {\an8}I'm Korvo the alien.
- 00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,735 {\an8}Oh, I've heard about you.
- 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,655 {\an8}Word on the road is your kid told my replicants
- 00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,864 {\an8}you could beat me up.
- 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,033 {\an8}I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
- 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,118 You're being real aggressive right now, man.
- 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,703 Well, I didn't evolve on Earth.
- 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,331 I have strength beyond your limited imagination.
- 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,832 You can't go around writing checks
- 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,001 that your bullshit can't cash, you little bitch.
- 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,836 Don't call me a little bitch.
- 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,464 Oh, I'm sorry, you're a big bitch.
- 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,175 Don't you grab my fist mid-swing, you cheater.
- 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,113 Dammit. Ugh. Ah.
- 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,281 Oh. Oh, God.
- 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,950 <i>Korvo, you think you gonna drag your nasty,</i>
- 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,451 <i>beat-up ass through my shit</i>
- 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,996 <i>and not tell me how you got so messed up?</i>
- 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,291 I ran into the, uh, Boondock Saints, and they sucker-punched me.
- 00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,883 <i>And I know there weren't any Boondocks Saints.</i>
- 00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:04,178 <i>The replicants told me about your dumbass beef with Bradd's dad.</i>
- 00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,514 <i>I'm glad you got it out your system.</i>
- 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,058 Oh, Aisha, it is very much still in my system,
- 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,560 but something's not right.
- 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,145 <i>Yeah, your stupid ego.</i>
- 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,938 I shouldn't be able to be harmed at all by a human
- 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,649 who hasn't even experienced the technological singularity yet.
- 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,734 It doesn't make any sense.
- 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,069 <i>You are letting your pride get the best of you.</i>
- 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,655 <i>Like in</i> Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
- 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,198 <i>before the zombies showed up.</i>
- 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,533 This is not about pride.
- 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,035 It's about my perceived self-worth.
- 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,454 <i>If I had eyes, you know I'd be rolling 'em.</i>
- 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,706 This guy jeopardized my standing as a leader
- 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,999 and the sanctity of the mission.
- 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,959 Now I have to go sci-fi on his ass.
- 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,253 Aisha, prepare me a Shlorpian Muscle-tini.
- 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:40,298 <i>Fine, but nobody's buying that this is about the mission.</i>
- 00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:45,303 Using science for petty victories never goes wrong.
- 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,474 <i>Your bwa-ha-ha laugh is weak as fuck.</i>
- 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,904 Mm. Ah!
- 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,559 Drop it!
- 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,940 Aah!
- 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,191 Ha, ha!
- 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,320 Yay!
- 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,990 Oh, God!
- 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,075 Drop it!
- 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,389 Drop it! Please, drop it!
- 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:21,477 - Don't jump. - You have so much to live for.
- 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,064 No!
- 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,944 Drop... it.
- 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,324 What do we do now? That was gonna be my whole evening.
- 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,326 Uh, there's a Monster Truck rally in town.
- 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,246 Ugh, fine, but only because I already revealed
- 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,872 I don't have another option.
- 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,437 No, no!
- 00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,367 Drop it!
- 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,080 Drop it.
- 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:36,839 Drop it.
- 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,675 Wait, who are you tellin' to drop it?
- 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,218 I'm telling the Pupa.
- 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:44,638 - The what? - The goddamn supercomputer behind you.
- 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,433 You know what? Can we just say that we're all gonna drop it, please?
- 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,894 No, he's right. You guys are my bros.
- 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,812 I really meant it earlier when I said that for me,
- 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,856 the action is the juice.
- 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,232 I love you guys.
- 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:58,110 Let's ditch this heist and go to that Monster Truck rally
- 00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,987 that's in town, for old times' sake.
- 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,447 Come on, everyone bring it in.
- 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,699 Drop it!
- 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,919 You fucked up now, Bradd's dad.
- 00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,756 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
- 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,722 Well, well, well, it looks like the tables have turned.
- 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,307 You're in my house now!
- 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,017 This evenly matched battle of--
- 00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:14,270 Evenly matched? Yes, we are two great warriors
- 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,354 fighting to a stalemate.
- 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,231 Don't try to throw me off, Bradd's dad,
- 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,692 or should I say Evgeni?
- 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,402 How'd you find my real name?
- 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,571 Oh, I know so much about you.
- 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,823 Like your fear of being eaten by an orca!
- 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,618 You thought your identity was a fortress,
- 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,203 but there were cracks in the walls.
- 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:35,249 Today, as we two equally unbreakable fighters faced off,
- 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,960 I started to gather information about you.
- 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,129 At first, I thought you were just a boring suburban,
- 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,630 ABC Primetime dad.
- 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,090 So I couldn't understand how you could fight me
- 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,633 to a draw so many times.
- 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,260 I don't remember there being a draw.
- 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,262 As an alien from another planet living on Earth,
- 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,056 my survival demands that I drink a quart of piss a day,
- 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,976 look good in a crop top, but mostly to be observant.
- 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,897 While we fought, I had my eyes open.
- 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,274 <i>I first knew something was amiss</i>
- 00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,526 <i>when I saw a painting above your fireplace.</i>
- 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,904 <i>I saw beyond its basicness.</i>
- 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,197 The forest in that painting was in Nova Scotia,
- 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,991 known for being voted one of the best places
- 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,577 to raise a Hanna, like from the movie <i>Hanna.</i>
- 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,662 Sweet little Evgeni must have been trained
- 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,832 in the art of fighting by his dad, just like a Hanna.
- 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,918 My dad moved me to the woods as a baby,
- 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,878 after a time traveler tried to murder me.
- 00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631 My dad beat his ass.
- 00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,633 No, he didn't! They were evenly matched!
- 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552 You made your attack robots look like my kid?
- 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,846 That's fucked up. That doesn't matter.
- 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,182 We've been intertwined from the very beginning, Evgeni.
- 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,809 The unstoppable force versus the immovable object.
- 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,894 We balance each other.
- 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,521 I don't remember any balance when I was smoking you.
- 00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,106 Perhaps earlier you noticed me pass you
- 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,816 on my daily rollerblading route.
- 00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,735 The literature you were reading at the magazine stand
- 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,028 piqued my interest.
- 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,656 You mean when you tried to kill me and totally ate shit?
- 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,823 No, I didn't! Shut up!
- 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,034 My sharpened powers of deduction made me realize
- 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,078 that your background <i>is way more complicated</i>
- 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,871 <i>than I previously guessed.</i>
- 00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,498 {\an8}<i>You were later trained in Russia,</i>
- 00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,125 {\an8}<i>a hunch that was proven true when you shot at me</i>
- 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,170 <i>after I had shrunken myself down and ended up in your toilet.</i>
- 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,423 Two shots in the head, one in the heart, even when shooting into a shitter.
- 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,176 Wait, you were in my body and I shit you out?
- 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,844 I didn't even know you were in the toilet.
- 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,846 Wait, so why were you shooting at your own shit?
- 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,431 To break down the log!
- 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,141 You know what? I'm sick of this.
- 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601 My past is none of your concern.
- 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311 I keep it to myself for a reason.
- 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,688 I could leave it at that,
- 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,439 but I can't because you're not just a Hanna
- 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,817 who was subsequently trained by the KGB.
- 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,194 <i>No. When I was in you, I took a sample,</i>
- 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,405 <i>which analysis proved you've been genetically altered</i>
- 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,407 <i>into a killing machine by Weapon Z,</i>
- 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,326 <i>a legally clearable version of Weapon X for parody purposes,</i>
- 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,579 <i>a program that's Canadian and so is poutine,</i>
- 00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:39,790 <i>which is what you were eating</i>!
- 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,668 We're two sides of the same coin, Evgeni.
- 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,045 A double-headed dildo of fighting ability.
- 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,089 Sure, I could step into the shadows and be evil like you,
- 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,257 but I choose not to.
- 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,676 You attacked me. I fight for justice.
- 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,511 What about you, Evgeni, why do you fight?
- 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,847 Is it your training or your watered-down genetics?
- 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,223 Or are you just an asshole?
- 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,641 The only reason I had to fight you
- 00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,144 was because my son came home crying with a black eye.
- 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,146 Your shitty kids have been bullying him.
- 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,981 He told me exactly what they said to him.
- 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,983 That all humans are dumb and that he's a little bitch
- 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,235 and that their dad could kick my ass.
- 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,075 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, for realsies? - Yeah.
- 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,244 That's exactly what the replicants told me
- 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:18,912 but that Bradd was bullying them.
- 00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,789 Did they have black eyes too?
- 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,666 They bloody did.
- 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,877 You didn't threaten to kick my ass, did you?
- 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,212 No, no, I did not.
- 00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,175 Well then, what the fuck?
- 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,929 Please, I don't have any more in the tank.
- 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,640 This is it. Th-th-this is the end of me.
- 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,059 Please just drop it.
- 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,063 Why? Why are you doing this?
- 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,647 We trained you to be good.
- 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:48,567 We trained you to respond to a verbal command.
- 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,489 Wait, was it, "Drop it"?
- 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,826 Pupa... give it.
- 00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:03,665 Oh, alright, we trained you to give it, not drop it.
- 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,918 Oh, who's the Hufflepuff now, huh?
- 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,294 Where's the sorting hat when you need it?
- 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,754 Oh, my God.
- 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,841 Drop it!
- 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,304 So they made the whole thing up.
- 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,348 They knew we would have to answer the call to battle,
- 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,225 the two of us, great handsome warriors
- 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,102 of undeniably equal skill.
- 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,770 Saying it doesn't make it true.
- 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,772 I said undeniably, Evgeni,
- 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,524 that means you can't deny it.
- 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,484 I just don't understand why.
- 00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:31,819 Why did they go to the trouble?
- 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,570 Wait, did your replicants ask
- 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,656 if they could go to a Monster Truck rally today?
- 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742 Yes, but I said no, I can't support Monster Trucks.
- 00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,452 The monster part makes them too scary.
- 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,121 I don't even support regular trucks.
- 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,124 Wait, did Bradd ask you if he could go too?
- 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,917 You don't think?
- 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,008 - Yeah! - Smash that shit!
- 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177 Look at those happy little bastards.
- 00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:58,679 I wonder what they like more,
- 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,764 the large wheeled trucks or that they got away with it.
- 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,641 I'm proud of 'em for getting one past me.
- 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,059 Look at 'em having fun.
- 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,019 My dad never let me go to anything fun.
- 00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,479 Maybe I'm too hard on the kid.
- 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,107 I too am impressed by my replicants' wiles.
- 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067 Hey, let's not tell them we figured it out.
- 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,277 Let 'em think they pulled it off.
- 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,695 - Really? - Yeah.
- 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,322 We'll get our revenge during their impressionable teen years.
- 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,408 - I love that plan. - Good.
- 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,451 But just to be clear, we are not friends,
- 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,078 and we are nothing alike.
- 00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,163 Fine.
- 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,623 Have you ever taken
- 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,500 one of those Harry Potter sorting hat quizlets?
- 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,918 Sure, I'm a Hufflepuff.
- 00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,795 - Why? - Oh, no reason.
- 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,672 No reason at all.
- 00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,007 - Woo! - Alright!
- 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758 - This is awesome! - Alright. Yeah!
- 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,053 Oh, my God!
- 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,307 Drop it!
- 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,184 Drop it!
- 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,604 I'm the Pupa.
- 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,005 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
- 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,844 {\an8}Oh, Bradd and the aliens are gonna fight.
- 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,596 You've got a big mouth, Bradd. You better watch what you say.
- 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,598 What are you gonna do about it, alien bitch?
- 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:18,059 You're lucky you can even breathe in this atmosphere,
- 00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,936 lost in space little pieces of shit.
- 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,105 {\an8}We're not lost in space, you're lost in space!
- 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,024 I hate you, Bradd, you're a bad egg!
- 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,191 Oh, I'm so sorry.
- 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,944 I don't want matinee-style freaks creeping around school
- 00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,863 zapping people into piles of ash.
- 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,239 [all] Ooh!
- 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,490 Hey, take that back!
- 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950 We don't do that anymore!
- 00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,285 What are you gonna do about it, you little shit?
- 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,120 I'm gonna bounty hunt your ass.
- 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,455 [all grunting]
- 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,790 [students cheering]
- 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:41,875 Stop fighting.
- 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,044 You're kicking up a cartoonish dust cloud!
- 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,296 [coughs] Oh, God, my allergies.
- 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,881 Someone get my EpiPen!
- 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,259 I can't die, I'm only 35 years away from retirement.
- 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,969 - [body thuds] - [urine splatters]
- 00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,306 [Korvo] <i>Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,</i>
- 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,391 <i>until the asteroid hit.</i>
- 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,394 <i>One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,</i>
- 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,229 <i>and escaped into the... space,</i>
- 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,982 <i>searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.</i>
- 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,192 <i>We crashed on Earth,</i>
- 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,527 {\an8}<i>stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.</i>
- 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,154 {\an8}<i>That's right, I've been talking this whole time.</i>
- 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,405 {\an8}<i>I'm the one holding the Pupa.</i>
- 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,157 {\an8}<i>My name is Korvo. This is my show.</i>
- 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,450 {\an8}<i>Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.</i>
- 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,410 {\an8}<i>Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.</i>
- 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,038 {\an8}<i>It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.</i>
- 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,165 {\an8}<i>Why are humans always running and jogging for no reason</i>
- 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,416 {\an8}<i>when they should be saving their energy</i>
- 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,001 {\an8}<i>for when they're being chased by a Magoogoo?</i>
- 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:28,171 {\an8}<i>Everyone should be holding still and storing calories at all times</i>
- 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,631 {\an8}<i>for when the Magoogoo emerges</i>!
- 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,842 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,971 [♪ gentle music]
- 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:40,475 And done. My love language is a combination of gift giving,
- 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,685 physical affection, and '80s television theme songs.
- 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,562 Yours is JavaScript.
- 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,731 {\an8}Oh, bugger, I've been telling people I'm a Hufflepuff.
- 00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,275 {\an8}Not all quizlets end in Harry Potter houses, alright?
- 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,401 {\an8}- Well, they should. - [door opens]
- 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,986 {\an8}- It hurts. It hurts. - [Jesse and Yumyulack sobbing]
- 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,405 {\an8}Ow, it hurts. Terry, Korvo!
- 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,740 {\an8}What the hell happened to you two?
- 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,369 We got into a fight at school.
- 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,621 A bully named Bradd with two Ds
- 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,791 opened a can of double D whoop ass all over us.
- 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,584 {\an8}Oh. What have I told you about fights?
- 00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:08,878 {\an8}Shlorpians don't participate in lowly human combat.
- 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,964 {\an8}We are hyperintelligent, plant-based life forms.
- 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,090 {\an8}We don't do violence.
- 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,299 We were trying to ignore him,
- 00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:15,468 but then he said that all aliens are lame,
- 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,929 and he called me bitch and said his dad can beat you up.
- 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,139 I don't care what he said.
- 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,349 You shouldn't let him get in your-- Wait, what did he say?
- 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,017 - All aliens are lame. - After that.
- 00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,019 - That I'm a little bitch. - No, I'm fine with that.
- 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,105 - The last thing. - He said that his dad can beat you up.
- 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,732 Oh, please, that's taunting 101. Who cares?
- 00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,817 That's horseshit.
- 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,319 I can't have anyone thinking that a measly human can beat me up.
- 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,405 I'm Korvo the motherfucking alien.
- 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,574 Is this a bit? Who cares what the kid said?
- 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,117 {\an8}He's a cum stain.
- 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,494 {\an8}I care. He dragged me and his dad in on this.
- 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,288 {\an8}The honor of this family, this team,
- 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,707 {\an8}and the entire mission hangs in the balance, Terry.
- 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,918 {\an8}Wait a minute, Bradd said his dad could beat up a dad in this family.
- 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,295 {\an8}How do we know he wasn't talking about me?
- 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,379 {\an8}I'm a dad too.
- 00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:54,257 {\an8}[Korvo and replicants laugh]
- 00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:57,051 {\an8}[laughter continues]
- 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,430 {\an8}Okay, you're right. I'm more of a zaddy than a dad.
- 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,098 {\an8}It's true. That was good though, Terry.
- 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,642 {\an8}I really needed that. You've energized me for an ass-kicking.
- 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,728 - Well, off to hurt a stranger. - [Yumyulack] Korvo!
- 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,855 Korvo, wait. If you kick his ass with ray guns,
- 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,023 it'll just make it worse.
- 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,941 That's what he was saying we always do.
- 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,235 Oh, please, I can take on this Bradd's dad
- 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,528 without Shlorpian science.
- 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,740 I've got all the sci and fi I need right here.
- 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,868 {\an8}[sighs] That man is such a Hufflepuff.
- 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286 {\an8}- [Pupa laughing] - Hey!
- 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,664 [Pupa laughing]
- 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583 That's Korvo's third-favorite glowing orb.
- 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,668 It's powered by something that could destroy time and space.
- 00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,587 Plus, he uses it to roll out his back.
- 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,671 Ah!
- 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,798 - [Pupa coos] - Oh, okay,
- 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,175 you guys are going naughty mode?
- 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:39,385 Drop it. Drop it!
- 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,723 {\an8}- Pupa, I said drop it! - [Pupa coos]
- 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,058 {\an8}Pupa, no, drop it!
- 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,893 Pupa, you drop that orb right now!
- 00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,230 [knocking]
- 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,107 {\an8}- Can I help you? - Are you Bradd's dad?
- 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,442 {\an8}I'm Korvo the alien.
- 00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,735 {\an8}Oh, I've heard about you.
- 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,655 {\an8}Word on the road is your kid told my replicants
- 00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,864 {\an8}you could beat me up.
- 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,033 {\an8}I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
- 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,118 You're being real aggressive right now, man.
- 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,703 Well, I didn't evolve on Earth.
- 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,331 I have strength beyond your limited imagination.
- 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,832 You can't go around writing checks
- 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,001 that your bullshit can't cash, you little bitch.
- 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,836 Don't call me a little bitch.
- 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,464 Oh, I'm sorry, you're a big bitch.
- 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,175 [grunts] Don't you grab my fist mid-swing, you cheater.
- 00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,094 [Korvo grunting]
- 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:22,929 [bones cracking]
- 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,222 [Korvo yells]
- 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,641 [Korvo groaning]
- 00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:30,728 - [fist thudding] - [face squelching]
- 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,150 [Korvo groans]
- 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,113 Dammit. Ugh. Ah.
- 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,281 Oh. Oh, God.
- 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,950 [AISHA] <i>Korvo, you think you gonna drag your nasty,</i>
- 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,451 <i>beat-up ass through my shit</i>
- 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,996 <i>and not tell me how you got so messed up?</i>
- 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,291 I ran into the, uh, Boondock Saints, and they sucker-punched me.
- 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,167 [Korvo grunts]
- 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,169 [Korvo screaming]
- 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,589 [hissing]
- 00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,883 [AISHA] <i>And I know there weren't any Boondocks Saints.</i>
- 00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:04,178 <i>The replicants told me about your dumbass beef with Bradd's dad.</i>
- 00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,514 <i>I'm glad you got it out your system.</i>
- 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,058 Oh, Aisha, it is very much still in my system,
- 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,560 but something's not right.
- 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,145 [AISHA] <i>Yeah, your stupid ego.</i>
- 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,938 I shouldn't be able to be harmed at all by a human
- 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,649 who hasn't even experienced the technological singularity yet.
- 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,734 It doesn't make any sense.
- 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,069 [AISHA] <i>You are letting your pride get the best of you.</i>
- 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,655 <i>Like in</i> Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
- 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,198 <i>before the zombies showed up.</i>
- 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,533 This is not about pride.
- 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,035 It's about my perceived self-worth.
- 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,454 [AISHA] <i>If I had eyes, you know I'd be rolling 'em.</i>
- 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,706 This guy jeopardized my standing as a leader
- 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,999 and the sanctity of the mission.
- 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,959 Now I have to go sci-fi on his ass.
- 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,253 Aisha, prepare me a Shlorpian Muscle-tini.
- 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:40,298 [AISHA] <i>Fine, but nobody's buying that this is about the mission.</i>
- 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,216 [♪ comical musical sting]
- 00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:45,303 Using science for petty victories never goes wrong.
- 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,471 [laughs manically]
- 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,474 [AISHA] <i>Your bwa-ha-ha laugh is weak as fuck.</i>
- 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,479 [♪ bright music]
- 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,150 [feet thumping]
- 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,652 ♪
- 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654 - [door clatters] - [Korvo grunts]
- 00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,782 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,534 [chair thuds]
- 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,702 [head boings]
- 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:13,122 - [♪ dramatic orchestral music] - [both grunting]
- 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,043 [Korvo thuds]
- 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,297 [fist thudding]
- 00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:25,176 [groaning]
- 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,762 [Korvo screaming]
- 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,390 [doors whoosh]
- 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,308 - [♪ bright music] - [doors whoosh]
- 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:39,440 [♪ lively music]
- 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,904 Mm. Ah!
- 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,781 {\an8}♪
- 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117 [scope whirring]
- 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,372 [♪ comical music]
- 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,332 [Korvo screaming]
- 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,417 [thuds]
- 00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,919 [spear whooshes]
- 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,170 - [spear squelches] - [Korvo grunts]
- 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,214 [beeping]
- 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,632 [explosion booms]
- 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,718 [♪ downtempo whimsical music]
- 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,433 [tires screech]
- 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,559 Drop it!
- 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,853 [horns honking]
- 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,313 [tires screeching]
- 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,940 - [horn blares] - Aah!
- 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,191 Ha, ha!
- 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,568 - [thuds] - [Terry groans]
- 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,320 Yay!
- 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,990 Oh, God! [grunts]
- 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,075 Drop it!
- 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,954 [♪ light swing music]
- 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,001 ♪
- 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,837 [happy humming]
- 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,464 [bacon sizzling]
- 00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,677 [♪ mischievous music]
- 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,099 [pan clangs]
- 00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,938 [birds chirping]
- 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,399 [Korvo screaming]
- 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,611 [♪ mischievous music]
- 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,160 [♪ suspenseful music]
- 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,620 [giggling]
- 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,833 [acid hisses]
- 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,043 [♪ dramatic sting]
- 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,925 [♪ suspenseful music]
- 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,973 [♪ music crescendos]
- 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,394 [acid hisses]
- 00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,272 [Korvo thuds]
- 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,816 - [tube clinks] - [acid hisses]
- 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,152 [♪ whimsical flourish]
- 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,447 [sparks hissing]
- 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,866 - [glass shatters] - [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,036 [saws whirring]
- 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,667 ♪
- 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,340 [shoes squeaking]
- 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,510 - [indistinct chatter] - [sirens blaring]
- 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,389 Drop it! Please, drop it!
- 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,307 [sirens blaring]
- 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:21,477 - Don't jump. - You have so much to live for.
- 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,064 No!
- 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,358 [JK Sevens beeping]
- 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,944 Drop... it.
- 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,780 [Pupa whooshes]
- 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,324 What do we do now? That was gonna be my whole evening.
- 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,326 Uh, there's a Monster Truck rally in town.
- 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,246 Ugh, fine, but only because I already revealed
- 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,872 I don't have another option.
- 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,833 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,088 [zipper buzzes]
- 00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:56,012 [♪ jaunty music]
- 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:00,850 [knocking]
- 00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,980 [phone ringing]
- 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,485 [♪ mischievous music]
- 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,155 [baby cooing]
- 00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,490 [knife flicks]
- 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:17,992 [squeals]
- 00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,994 [Korvo gags]
- 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,163 [♪ jaunty music resumes]
- 00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:26,292 [Korvo grunts]
- 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:30,171 [♪ "Ode to Joy" playing]
- 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,051 ♪
- 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,346 [thudding footsteps]
- 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,185 [gears whirring]
- 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,437 No, no! [grunts]
- 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,481 [electricity crackling]
- 00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:50,191 [Korvo thuds]
- 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,068 ♪
- 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906 [fists thudding]
- 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,282 [Korvo thudding]
- 00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,367 Drop it!
- 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,412 [♪ lively music]
- 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,501 [water splashes]
- 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,127 [quiet cackling]
- 00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:13,631 [pistol fires]
- 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,132 [missile beeps]
- 00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:18,886 [♪ comical music]
- 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,304 [missile beeps]
- 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,684 [explosion booms]
- 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,852 [eyes blinking]
- 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021 ♪
- 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,482 [bell tings]
- 00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:38,322 [ship buzzing]
- 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,033 [♪ lively music]
- 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,868 [ship whooshing]
- 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,166 [♪ suspenseful music]
- 00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:50,876 ♪
- 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,631 [♪ lively music]
- 00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:03,222 [♪ suspenseful orchestral music]
- 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,475 - [intestines rumbling] - [alarm blaring]
- 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:11,439 [Korvo screams]
- 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,649 [screaming continues]
- 00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:15,609 [ship splashes]
- 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,531 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,908 - [gulps] - [gun firing]
- 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:26,954 [♪ tense music]
- 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,080 Drop it.
- 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,752 [guns clicking]
- 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:36,839 Drop it.
- 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,675 Wait, who are you tellin' to drop it?
- 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,218 I'm telling the Pupa.
- 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:44,638 - The what? - The goddamn supercomputer behind you.
- 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,433 You know what? Can we just say that we're all gonna drop it, please?
- 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,894 No, he's right. You guys are my bros.
- 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,812 I really meant it earlier when I said that for me,
- 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,856 the action is the juice.
- 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,232 I love you guys.
- 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:58,110 Let's ditch this heist and go to that Monster Truck rally
- 00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,987 that's in town, for old times' sake.
- 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,447 - Come on, everyone bring it in. - [guns clatter]
- 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:02,615 [JK Sevens beeping]
- 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,699 Drop it!
- 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,912 [♪ lively music]
- 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,630 [♪ quizzical music]
- 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,559 [♪ lively music]
- 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,608 [♪ mischievous music]
- 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:47,785 ♪
- 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,790 [♪ mischievous music]
- 00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:54,792 [door slams]
- 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,919 [Korvo] You fucked up now, Bradd's dad.
- 00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,756 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
- 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,722 [Korvo] Well, well, well, it looks like the tables have turned.
- 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,307 You're in my house now!
- 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,017 This evenly matched battle of--
- 00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:14,270 - Evenly matched? - [Korvo] Yes, we are two great warriors
- 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,354 fighting to a stalemate.
- 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,231 Don't try to throw me off, Bradd's dad,
- 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,692 or should I say Evgeni?
- 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,402 How'd you find my real name?
- 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,571 [Korvo] Oh, I know so much about you.
- 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,823 Like your fear of being eaten by an orca!
- 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,618 You thought your identity was a fortress,
- 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,203 but there were cracks in the walls.
- 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:35,249 Today, as we two equally unbreakable fighters faced off,
- 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,960 I started to gather information about you.
- 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,129 At first, I thought you were just a boring suburban,
- 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,630 ABC Primetime dad.
- 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,090 So I couldn't understand how you could fight me
- 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,633 to a draw so many times.
- 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,260 I don't remember there being a draw.
- 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,262 [Korvo] As an alien from another planet living on Earth,
- 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,056 my survival demands that I drink a quart of piss a day,
- 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,976 look good in a crop top, but mostly to be observant.
- 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,897 While we fought, I had my eyes open.
- 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,274 <i>I first knew something was amiss</i>
- 00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,526 <i>when I saw a painting above your fireplace.</i>
- 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,904 <i>I saw beyond its basicness.</i>
- 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,197 The forest in that painting was in Nova Scotia,
- 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,991 known for being voted one of the best places
- 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,577 to raise a Hanna, like from the movie <i>Hanna.</i>
- 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,662 Sweet little Evgeni must have been trained
- 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,832 in the art of fighting by his dad, just like a Hanna.
- 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,918 My dad moved me to the woods as a baby,
- 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,878 after a time traveler tried to murder me.
- 00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631 My dad beat his ass.
- 00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,633 [Korvo] No, he didn't! They were evenly matched!
- 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552 You made your attack robots look like my kid?
- 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,846 - That's fucked up. - [Korvo] That doesn't matter.
- 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,182 We've been intertwined from the very beginning, Evgeni.
- 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,809 The unstoppable force versus the immovable object.
- 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,894 We balance each other.
- 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,521 I don't remember any balance when I was smoking you.
- 00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,106 [Korvo] Perhaps earlier you noticed me pass you
- 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,816 on my daily rollerblading route.
- 00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,735 The literature you were reading at the magazine stand
- 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,028 piqued my interest.
- 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,656 You mean when you tried to kill me and totally ate shit?
- 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,823 [Korvo] No, I didn't! Shut up!
- 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,034 My sharpened powers of deduction made me realize
- 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,078 that your background <i>is way more complicated</i>
- 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,871 <i>than I previously guessed.</i>
- 00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,498 {\an8}<i>You were later trained in Russia,</i>
- 00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,125 {\an8}<i>a hunch that was proven true when you shot at me</i>
- 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,170 <i>after I had shrunken myself down and ended up in your toilet.</i>
- 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,423 Two shots in the head, one in the heart, even when shooting into a shitter.
- 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,176 Wait, you were in my body and I shit you out?
- 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,844 I didn't even know you were in the toilet.
- 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,846 [Korvo] Wait, so why were you shooting at your own shit?
- 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,431 To break down the log!
- 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,141 You know what? I'm sick of this.
- 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601 My past is none of your concern.
- 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311 I keep it to myself for a reason.
- 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,688 [Korvo] I could leave it at that,
- 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,439 but I can't because you're not just a Hanna
- 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,817 who was subsequently trained by the KGB.
- 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,194 <i>No. When I was in you, I took a sample,</i>
- 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,405 <i>which analysis proved you've been genetically altered</i>
- 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,407 <i>into a killing machine by Weapon Z,</i>
- 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,326 <i>a legally clearable version of Weapon X for parody purposes,</i>
- 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,579 <i>a program that's Canadian and so is poutine,</i>
- 00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:39,790 <i>which is what you were eating</i>!
- 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,668 We're two sides of the same coin, Evgeni.
- 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,045 A double-headed dildo of fighting ability.
- 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,089 Sure, I could step into the shadows and be evil like you,
- 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,257 but I choose not to.
- 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,676 - You attacked me. - [Korvo] I fight for justice.
- 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,511 What about you, Evgeni, why do you fight?
- 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,847 Is it your training or your watered-down genetics?
- 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,223 Or are you just an asshole?
- 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,641 The only reason I had to fight you
- 00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,144 was because my son came home crying with a black eye.
- 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,146 Your shitty kids have been bullying him.
- 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,981 He told me exactly what they said to him.
- 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,983 That all humans are dumb and that he's a little bitch
- 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,235 and that their dad could kick my ass.
- 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,487 [robots whir and thud]
- 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,075 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, for realsies? - Yeah.
- 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,244 That's exactly what the replicants told me
- 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:18,912 but that Bradd was bullying them.
- 00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,789 Did they have black eyes too?
- 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,666 They bloody did.
- 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,877 You didn't threaten to kick my ass, did you?
- 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,212 No, no, I did not.
- 00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,175 Well then, what the fuck?
- 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,093 [♪ dramatic music]
- 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,929 Please, I don't have any more in the tank.
- 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,640 This is it. Th-th-this is the end of me.
- 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,059 Please just drop it.
- 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,063 [crying] Why? Why are you doing this?
- 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,647 We trained you to be good.
- 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:48,567 We trained you to respond to a verbal command.
- 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:49,693 [groans]
- 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,489 Wait, was it, "Drop it"?
- 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,826 [gasps] Pupa... give it.
- 00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:03,665 Oh, alright, we trained you to give it, not drop it.
- 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,918 Oh, who's the Hufflepuff now, huh?
- 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,294 Where's the sorting hat when you need it?
- 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,754 Oh, my God.
- 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,841 - [Terry giggles] - Drop it!
- 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,304 So they made the whole thing up.
- 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,348 They knew we would have to answer the call to battle,
- 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,225 the two of us, great handsome warriors
- 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,102 of undeniably equal skill.
- 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,770 Saying it doesn't make it true.
- 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,772 I said undeniably, Evgeni,
- 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,524 that means you can't deny it.
- 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,484 I just don't understand why.
- 00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:31,819 Why did they go to the trouble?
- 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,570 Wait, did your replicants ask
- 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,656 if they could go to a Monster Truck rally today?
- 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742 Yes, but I said no, I can't support Monster Trucks.
- 00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,452 The monster part makes them too scary.
- 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,121 I don't even support regular trucks.
- 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,124 Wait, did Bradd ask you if he could go too?
- 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,917 You don't think?
- 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,712 [crowd cheering]
- 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,008 - Yeah! - Smash that shit!
- 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177 Look at those happy little bastards.
- 00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:58,679 I wonder what they like more,
- 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,764 the large wheeled trucks or that they got away with it.
- 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,641 I'm proud of 'em for getting one past me.
- 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,059 Look at 'em having fun.
- 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,019 My dad never let me go to anything fun.
- 00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,479 Maybe I'm too hard on the kid.
- 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,107 I too am impressed by my replicants' wiles.
- 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067 Hey, let's not tell them we figured it out.
- 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,277 Let 'em think they pulled it off.
- 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,695 - Really? - Yeah.
- 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,322 We'll get our revenge during their impressionable teen years.
- 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,408 - I love that plan. - Good.
- 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,451 But just to be clear, we are not friends,
- 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,078 and we are nothing alike.
- 00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,163 Fine.
- 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,623 Have you ever taken
- 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,500 one of those Harry Potter sorting hat quizlets?
- 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,918 Sure, I'm a Hufflepuff.
- 00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,795 - Why? - Oh, no reason.
- 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,672 No reason at all.
- 00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,007 - Woo! - Alright!
- 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758 - This is awesome! - Alright. Yeah!
- 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,053 - Oh, my God! - [crowd cheering]
- 00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:42,222 [Terry laughing]
- 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,307 Drop it!
- 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,184 Drop it!
- 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,604 I'm the Pupa.
- 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:52,608 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
- 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,442 [mimicking laser fire]
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