Устройство „Что, если?“ — Корво предлагает воспользоваться устройством «Что, если?» и посмотреть, что было бы прими они то или иное решение. Неожиданно выясняется, что устройство уже включено. Хотя остальная команда хочет его выключить, чтобы иметь возможность задать устройству свои вопросы, Корво запрещает это делать. Если устройство включено, то они все сейчас живут в какой-то альтернативной реальности, но к которой уже привыкли. Неизвестно насколько жизнь инопланетян откатится назад в случае отключения устройства. Корво создаёт одноразовое устройство «Что, если?» и задаёт вопрос о нажатой кнопке. Команда узнаёт, что у них был ещё один член экипажа, от которого они избавились в начале миссии.

Предыдущая серия S05 E07 Солнечные противоположности совершают интервенцию

Следующая серия S05 E09 Битва за Заб 9

Устройство „Что, если?“

The What If?! Device

Сезон: 05Серия: 08

Описание

Корво предлагает воспользоваться устройством «Что, если?» и посмотреть, что было бы прими они то или иное решение. Неожиданно выясняется, что устройство уже включено. Хотя остальная команда хочет его выключить, чтобы иметь возможность задать устройству свои вопросы, Корво запрещает это делать. Если устройство включено, то они все сейчас живут в какой-то альтернативной реальности, но к которой уже привыкли. Неизвестно насколько жизнь инопланетян откатится назад в случае отключения устройства. Корво создаёт одноразовое устройство «Что, если?» и задаёт вопрос о нажатой кнопке. Команда узнаёт, что у них был ещё один член экипажа, от которого они избавились в начале миссии.

Субтитры

00:00:09,650 --> 00:00:10,907 Да блин, хватит пикать!
00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:14,430 - Дурацкая хрень! - А мне нравится этот звук.
00:00:14,450 --> 00:00:18,060 И сейчас же бросай эту хрень, мамасита, мы идём в «Пассаж».
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,112 У них там новая VR-игра! «Под палубой»!
00:00:21,140 --> 00:00:22,170 Не могу, это важно.
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,544 Мне насрать, ты послушай:
00:00:23,568 --> 00:00:27,150 один из матросов забыл привязать брус и корма трётся о причал.
00:00:27,170 --> 00:00:29,824 Мне не до вонючего Пассажа. Надо чинить маячок.
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,320 Так, ладно, включаем плаксивый тон.
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:34,931 Корво!
00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:36,574 Эта хрень не может быть важнее
00:00:36,590 --> 00:00:41,480 посещения эксклюзивного VR-мероприятия двумя мужьями-красавчиками.
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,840 Я не прочь VR-разврата от Энди Коэна, но сегодня я занят.
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:49,070 Ну, перестань! Брось всё и насладись со мной земной культурой.
00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:53,370 Это ты сломал аварийный маячок, пролив на него низкоуглеводную хрень.
00:00:53,390 --> 00:00:57,050 Ну извини, что меня мучила жажда после овощей!
00:00:57,070 --> 00:00:59,096 В этом доме всё пикает! Плевать!
00:00:59,130 --> 00:01:00,970 Он шлёт нашу геолокацию в космос!
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:02,060 И?
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,949 И если какие-нибудь киборги в нашем квадранте подхватят сигнал,
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,860 то выследят нас и ассимилируют!
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,230 Киборгов придумали, чтобы пугать ими детей перед сном.
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:13,304 Я не буду рисковать миссией.
00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:16,860 Вот бы как-то подсмотреть, что всё будет хорошо, если ты пойдёшь.
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,910 Вот бы показать тебе, что ответственность — это круто.
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,910 Стой, а что, если можно?
00:01:23,930 --> 00:01:26,150 Что за тон? Перестань. Полный кринж.
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:29,330 - Репликанты! Всё сюда! - У нас проблемы?
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:31,250 Я всего лишь изучал своё тело.
00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:32,572 Что?.. Нет...Нет!
00:01:32,610 --> 00:01:35,590 Мы наконец-то используем устройство «Что, если?»
00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:37,176 Правда? Ура!
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:40,390 Ёлы-палы, даже не знала, что оно у нас есть.
00:01:40,410 --> 00:01:44,100 - А что это за устройство? - Шлорпианская разработка.
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,680 Вводишь разные сценарии и смотришь, как бы изменилась твоя жизнь.
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:50,480 Прямо как в «Футураме» что ли? Только теперь на Hulu?
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:55,490 Нет, это совсем... это вообще другое. Не говори так, а то нас забанят.
00:01:55,510 --> 00:01:58,770 Как круто! У нас в сериале будет свой «А что, если» день!
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:00,870 Разыграем сотню диких сценариев!
00:02:00,890 --> 00:02:02,393 Будет разрыв жопы!
00:02:02,450 --> 00:02:03,540 Я правильно сказал?
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:04,800 - Нет! - Класс!
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,250 Давайте, вперёд! Разыграем пару вероятностей.
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:11,130 <i>«Что, если» день, «что, если» день.</i>
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:15,170 <i>День, когда может случиться всё, что угодно.</i>
00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:15,920 <i>Что, если?</i>
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:17,920 <i>Мы бы жили под водой?</i>
00:02:17,990 --> 00:02:18,750 <i>Что, если?</i>
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:20,720 <i>У Терри была бы аллергия на кукурузу?</i>
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:21,800 <i>Что, если?</i>
00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:24,165 <i>У Джесси была бы бар-мицва в стиле Spice Girls?</i>
00:02:24,207 --> 00:02:26,480 <i>Молодой Шелдон никогда не рождался?</i>
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:29,520 <i>У Корво были бы большие объёмы?</i>
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:33,530 <i>Ям и Пупа взяли бы премию «Тони» за сценарий пьесы?</i>
00:02:33,590 --> 00:02:34,780 <i>Всё это вы и узнаете,</i>
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:40,240 <i>ведь в «что, если» день может случиться что угодно!</i>
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,410 Да!
00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:43,643 СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,800 Надо же! У нас собственное устройство «что, если?»
00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:49,730 А что, если бы я был Йети?
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:53,680 Хочу загадочно прятаться в лесу голышом, попутно обсирая снег.
00:02:53,730 --> 00:02:55,260 Отличная идея. Сделаем.
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,420 А я спрошу: «Что, если бы у меня на голове было два бантика»?
00:02:58,460 --> 00:03:01,110 Мечтай шире, Джесси. Десять бантов.
00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:03,850 А если бы кетчуп был на вкус как горчица?
00:03:03,870 --> 00:03:06,010 Перепробуем все безумные «а что, если».
00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:06,880 Я первая!
00:03:06,930 --> 00:03:08,350 Нет, ни за что! Я, я!
00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:11,130 Все по очереди. Но идея моя, так что я первый!
00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,820 Аиша, покажи устройство «Что, если».
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:14,600 Выполняю.
00:03:15,670 --> 00:03:16,690 Воу!
00:03:18,590 --> 00:03:21,110 - Так, стоять, нахрен. - Что не так?
00:03:21,130 --> 00:03:22,140 Кнопка «что, если».
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,480 Её уже нажали.
00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:26,200 Как ты понял?
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,370 Кристалл должен быть выше, а не так вжат, как сейчас.
00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:31,400 Видите? Должно быть вот так.
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,950 - Так давай отожмём, да и всё. - Не смей!
00:03:34,530 --> 00:03:35,420 Да за что?
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,550 Не всё так просто.
00:03:36,590 --> 00:03:38,770 Почему? Просто отожми её, я хочу отжать.
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,470 Мы не знаем, как давно оно запущено.
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,050 Видишь? Горячая. Значит, уже давно.
00:03:44,070 --> 00:03:46,220 Ты же знаешь, Терри на это срать.
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:46,940 Ты не понял.
00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:51,480 Если устройство запущено, значит, мы все можем быть внутри чужого «что, если».
00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:54,690 Ладно, Мистер Скучная Очевидность, поэтому мы его отключим.
00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:57,570 Тогда наша реальность изменится,
00:03:57,590 --> 00:04:01,450 а значит, что-то непредсказуемое может измениться к худшему.
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,683 А если не отключим, значит, кому-то нравится его реальность «что, если».
00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:06,309 Именно.
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,750 Жизнь того, кто запустил его, стала лучше.
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,950 Это не я, ибо я всегда недоволен!
00:04:10,970 --> 00:04:11,606 Я тоже.
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:15,540 Ну то есть, жизнь меня устраивает, но есть нюансы, понял?
00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:20,170 Да. Запусти я устройство, то 100% была бы уже миссис Остин Батлер.
00:04:20,190 --> 00:04:23,040 Простите, но этого всего недостаточно.
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:27,750 Поэтому кнопка остаётся на месте, пока не поймём, что изменится в нашей жизни.
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,100 Составим список плюсов и минусов.
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,640 Нет! Такие списки сразу приводят к диаграммам Венна!
00:04:33,770 --> 00:04:35,480 Пришла пора для доски!
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:37,465 КОМУ ЛУЧШЕ ЖИВЁТСЯ?
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,750 И готово.
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,940 Чёрт, мы все живём довольно круто.
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,950 Значит, у нас равные шансы на провал, если нажмём кнопку.
00:04:44,970 --> 00:04:47,240 - Всё блин. Я наживаю. - Не смей!
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:50,330 Может, всё пойдёт кувырком, а может нет. Я рискну.
00:04:50,350 --> 00:04:51,820 - Я тоже. - Я с вами.
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,040 Но зачем? Если у вас всё хорошо.
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,896 Ты нас не слушал что ли?
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,540 Да. Нам обещали разыграть кучу сценариев.
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,630 Обещания надо выполнять, король.
00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:03,670 - Неясно, что вы потеряете. - Так и узнаем. Будет весело.
00:05:03,690 --> 00:05:05,550 - А как же миссия? - Миссия-шмиссия.
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:09,038 Что если наши «что, если» навредят Пупе?
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,640 Нас это никак не смущает.
00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:13,980 Мы и сейчас относимся к нему не очень.
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,310 Может, устройство отбросит миссию на пару шагов назад, но кого это волнует?
00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:21,110 - Меня! - Почему? Твоя жизнь — отстой.
00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:24,820 Разве ты не хочешь погладить пальчиком ту кнопочку?
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:25,820 Души меня и жми.
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,280 Не переубеждай меня своим секси голосом.
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,710 У меня крутая жизнь. Может, самая крутая.
00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:32,830 Круче тучи, если понимаешь, о чём я!
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,080 Нихрена подобного.
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,110 Твоя команда тебя не уважает,
00:05:36,130 --> 00:05:39,530 веселиться не умеешь, ходишь как бомж, да к тому же лысый!
00:05:39,550 --> 00:05:40,400 Как и ты!
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:42,380 Да, но нам идёт, как Стивену Сигалу.
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,760 Образы без волос и ушей — наша тема!
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,620 Трое против одного!
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,869 Нет, хотите веселья?
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,840 Что, если мы поиграем с Лучом тупости?
00:05:50,871 --> 00:05:51,497 Да.
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,020 И правда, а что, если?
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,310 Давай нажмём кнопку и узнаем!
00:05:55,370 --> 00:05:58,730 Больше никаких разговоров. Мы хотим веселиться с «что, если».
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,330 Нет, давайте лучше посмотрим телевизор.
00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:04,900 На VH1 марафон «Пути Карлито». Глянем всей семьёй!
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,650 Нет, мы уже настроились. За ним!
00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,530 - Какого чёрта? - На судне не беситься!
00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:18,710 Воу, смотрю, ты улучшил своё шлорп-фу.
00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:20,330 Что ж, вызов принят.
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:21,920 Аиша, прикрой меня!
00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:29,470 А ну вернись сюда с устройством, паникующий ты сукин сын!
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:33,530 Я уже прошёл норму шагов за день. Не заставляй гнаться. Ну пожалуйста!
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:39,910 - Гоним за этим мужем. - Штаны придержите.
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:46,710 У меня штраф за неоплаченную парковку, поэтому приходится делать так раз в неделю.
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:48,200 Машина — это не твоё.
00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:51,015 Ты прямо как тот спящий на ходу судья.
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,540 Туда, где нас не достанет Терри.
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,410 В магазин с книгами про самолёты,
00:06:59,430 --> 00:07:02,220 в парк приключения Disney, или к дерматологу?
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:07,710 Прекрати! Вне судна устройство нестабильно.
00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:09,590 Хватит уже тараниться!
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,744 Утечка «Что, если».
00:07:13,030 --> 00:07:15,260 Отдай устройство. Мы хотим веселья!
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,520 И, кстати, на ужин заказываю греческую еду. Будешь со мной «Сувлаки»?
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,680 На первое ответ — нет, на второе — да.
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,690 Ребят, смотрите: а если бы у меня были усы?
00:07:27,710 --> 00:07:30,780 Наконец смогу участвовать в челлендже «Небритябрь».
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,770 О, нет! Устройство распадается! Всевозможные «что, если» утекают!
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:36,880 Только не автомат с мелочью!
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:41,040 О боже! Я жива! И... богата! Воу!
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,260 Мультиокрашивание.
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,250 Боже! Феникс из «что, если»!
00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:49,340 Деревья-леденцы! Носорог!
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,170 Боже! Я не умею ездить по Радужной дороге!
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,940 Ну, почему не луга Му-му? Нет!
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:07,591 О боже.
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:13,389 АТЕЛЬЕ ДЖИЛЛ ЭНН
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:17,240 Может, хватит сходить с ума?
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,790 Ты знатно ухудшаешь наши жизни, не позволяя нажать кнопку.
00:08:20,810 --> 00:08:23,250 Как ты не понимаешь, Корво? Как?
00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:26,380 Жопа съела трусы!
00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:29,880 Я не могу! Не могу!
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,760 Придётся жить в этом хаосе.
00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:34,640 Милый, что с тобой? Ты ненавидишь такой хаос.
00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:38,080 Да, просто... возможно, это я нажал на кнопку.
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,130 Корво, это значит...
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,960 Что при её отжатии изменится моя жизнь.
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,770 - Серьёзно? - Почему?
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,560 У меня очень классная жизнь.
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:50,230 У нас с тобой взаимная любовь и замечательная семья.
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:51,740 Я этого не достоин.
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,280 Значит, это я провернул «что, если»,
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,750 и спросил: «что было бы, если бы ты любил меня, Терри»?
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,400 Но как же твоя доска? И миссия?
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,700 Я переживаю за нас, а не за миссию!
00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:05,420 Ведь возможно, наш брак изменится.
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,750 Вся наша история.
00:09:06,770 --> 00:09:11,080 Не хочу потерять нас, чтобы узнать «что будет, если Джесси станет Тором»?
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:13,590 Я буду ходить с молотом и грабить аптеки.
00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:17,300 И что, если я стану очень ленивым, тупым и ты не будешь со мной?
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,144 О, Корво, я люблю тебя за лень и тупость.
00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:21,350 И непопулярность.
00:09:21,370 --> 00:09:23,260 Никакая кнопка это не изменит.
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:23,860 Правда?
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,270 Да, но брак должен строиться на доверии.
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:30,360 Мы должны знать, какой будет наша реальность без всяких «что, если».
00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:32,820 Если бы никто не нажимал эту кнопку.
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,150 Ты прав. Терри, да!
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:37,170 Какого хрена?
00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:38,820 Кроссоверная сос-машина.
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,830 Если вдруг у нас спустит колесо, а мы захотим тусить с Флинстоунами.
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:45,870 Воу, воу, воу, я всё это время мог быть в других сериалах?
00:09:45,890 --> 00:09:48,330 Тут технология квантовой запутанности.
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,090 Перепрошью и создам одноразовую «что, если».
00:09:51,110 --> 00:09:54,670 Для трансформации реальности слабовато, но на экране покажет.
00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:55,991 Разумеется!
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:56,880 Погоди, что?
00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:58,950 Логика вообще не моё, я тупой.
00:09:58,970 --> 00:10:01,310 Ладно, давайте-ка все сюда.
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,270 Что, если бы тот, кто это сделал, никогда не нажимал на кнопку?
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:12,520 Это было, когда мы спасались с планеты Шлорп.
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:14,220 О, ещё 99 судов.
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,550 Ты говорил, была сотня взрослых, значит, 50 судов?
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,723 Сто взрослых — значит сто пар взрослых.
00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:20,880 Это было неясно.
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,110 Теперь прояснилось? Педантичный говнюк.
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:24,700 Нихрена как далеко.
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,080 Приветствую, команда. Я, командир Зарк.
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,240 Приветствуем.
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,920 Что ещё, блин, за командир Зарк?
00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,114 Твою мать.
00:10:35,170 --> 00:10:36,840 Похоже, он наш настоящий лидер.
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:37,850 Гляньте на него.
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,288 Боже мой! Я не прочь полакомится им!
00:10:43,020 --> 00:10:43,910 Прости, милый.
00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,501 АТЕЛЬЕ ДЖИЛЛ ЭНН
00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,850 Значит, миссию возглавлял другой?
00:10:50,870 --> 00:10:52,980 Я совсем его не помню.
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,190 Какого хрена?
00:10:54,210 --> 00:10:56,650 Да вот такого, Терри. Давайте смотреть.
00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,020 Покинь моё место и больше не трогай управление.
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,910 Из-за тебя с курса сбились, чуть в космо-око не влетели.
00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:05,620 Простите. А что мне делать?
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,370 Мне плевать. Уберись в лотке у Пупы.
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:09,023 Есть.
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,500 Мой курс лучше.
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,840 Я обыскал весь корабль, но не нашёл тортика.
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,238 У нас есть сладости? Хочу сладкое.
00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:17,480 Мне скучно!
00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:20,010 Мы уже прибыли? Здесь ужасно.
00:11:20,030 --> 00:11:21,071 А ну завалите!
00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:22,430 Эй, эй, всё хорошо.
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,430 Скоро ты терраформируешься.
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,600 Очаровашка.
00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:29,480 Хватит ныть. Будущее шлорпиан в наших руках.
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:33,270 Относитесь к миссии серьёзно и грамотно исполняйте приказы!
00:11:34,130 --> 00:11:36,110 «Относитесь к миссии серьёзно».
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,150 Господи, какой же слюнтяй.
00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:40,510 Вы слишком много халтурите.
00:11:40,570 --> 00:11:42,780 Нет времени. Надо заботиться о Пупе.
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,120 И всегда быть серьёзными.
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:47,680 Нет, это не дихотомия, Корво.
00:11:47,730 --> 00:11:50,020 Они слишком весёлые, а ты — серьёзный.
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:54,400 Такое мышление создаст конфликт и навредит миссии, так же, как и они.
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:56,020 Но это важная работа.
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,048 Поэтому нужен баланс. Как у меня.
00:11:58,130 --> 00:12:00,260 Пока я здесь, всё будет хорошо.
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,600 Командир, меня достал ваш вайб, сэр!
00:12:02,660 --> 00:12:05,720 - Терри, к себе! - Боже, зачем меня создали!
00:12:07,070 --> 00:12:09,952 - Браво, босс. - Эй, следи за тоном.
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,750 Всё-таки я ваш лидер.
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,296 Мы делаем всю работу, пока ты тут командуешь.
00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,631 В жопу баланс.
00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:17,370 Да? Ну и кто лучше справится?
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,530 Я, очевидно, лучше подхожу.
00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:22,070 Ха! Да без меня вся миссия развалится.
00:12:22,090 --> 00:12:24,680 Размечтался. Мы и сами справимся.
00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:27,120 Да ну? Проверим на устройстве «что, если»
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:29,790 и узнаем, как быстро вы всё провалите.
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:36,420 Что, если меня выбросят в аварийной капсуле,
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,670 и команде придётся самой выполнить миссию.
00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:41,840 А меня они совсем забудут?
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:46,680 Или я не нажму кнопку и останусь вашим лидером?
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,310 Это мощное устройство, зря я с ним играю.
00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:53,930 Значит, Зарк нажал кнопку, исчез, и мы его совсем забыли?
00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:54,770 Лошара.
00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:55,718 Хочу уточнить.
00:12:55,730 --> 00:13:00,950 Мы сейчас смотрим, что было бы, если бы он не нажал кнопку и остался нашим лидером?
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:03,200 Да, Джесси! Боже, ты что, ослепла?
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:05,680 Посмотрим, как бы всё изменилось.
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:08,310 Мы нашли планету для террформирования.
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:11,040 Пристегнитесь. Мы приземляемся.
00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:19,110 ПРОДАЁТСЯ
00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:24,380 Зимля — наш новый дом.
00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:29,620 Отлично, хорошо. Пупе нравится чистота.
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,840 Займись тем углом!
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:32,080 Выключаем.
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,520 Цель нашей жизни — это миссия.
00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:36,850 Не отвлекайся на человеческую культуру.
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,570 Есть способ узнать, нравимся ли мы соседям.
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,258 - Купить фургон! - Наноботы.
00:13:41,264 --> 00:13:41,860 Наноботы...
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,420 Нет! Наноботы только при вторжении киборгов!
00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:50,910 Я буду носить забавные футболки, самовыражаясь, чтобы открыть окно в гениальность.
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,950 Моё одеяние!
00:13:53,970 --> 00:13:55,647 Шлорпиане носят мантии.
00:13:57,660 --> 00:14:00,240 Ты видишь? Пупа развивается!
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,080 Приветствую, командир Зарк.
00:14:02,150 --> 00:14:03,880 Молодчага, Пупа!
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,010 Командир, прошу разрешения нам с Терри спать в этой кровати.
00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:09,140 Отклоняю.
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:13,080 Спите в капсулах и займитесь бумажной работой, пока тело спит.
00:14:13,150 --> 00:14:13,860 Есть, сэр.
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:17,600 Терри, перестань стоять у соседских окон и смотреть их телик.
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:19,080 Никакой очереди!
00:14:19,130 --> 00:14:20,400 Категорически нет.
00:14:20,530 --> 00:14:21,820 Нет! Нет!
00:14:22,130 --> 00:14:22,883 Нет!
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,280 Наконец-то, Пуппа терраформируется.
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:29,280 Что? Нет, слишком рано!
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:30,780 Мы не повеселились.
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,370 Он что, ненавидит веселье?
00:14:32,390 --> 00:14:35,700 - Не верю, не может быть. - Смотрите, это оно!
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,330 Наш труд и дисциплина принесли свои плоды. Миссия завершена.
00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,570 Шлорпианская цивилизация переродится
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:46,460 в такую, какой всегда оставалась, без всякого влияния извне!
00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:12,141 Надо же.
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,370 Не верю.
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:16,290 Зарк, да? Он молодец.
00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:17,450 Жвачку жуёт.
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:18,800 Да, он жеребец.
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,540 Корво, милый, нажми на кнопку.
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,500 Перезапусти «что, если» Зарка и исполни самое заветное желание.
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,905 Заверши миссию.
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:28,590 Терраформируй Землю.
00:15:28,610 --> 00:15:29,800 Мы облажались.
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,550 Зарк за это время мог дважды всё провернуть.
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:33,680 Он прав.
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,730 Мы тратим много времени на споры о новых вкусах «Доктора Пеппер».
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,220 «Литл Пеппер», «Лат Пеппер», «Нёрс Пеппер», «Пеппер Зиро».
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:44,965 Всё нормально, Корво. Правда.
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,530 Делай, что должен.
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,910 Воу! Снова шлорп-фу!
00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:58,280 - Ты её расхреначил. - Да и ещё как!
00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,624 Но ты же так хотел завершить миссию.
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:01,800 Всегда мечтал.
00:16:01,970 --> 00:16:03,912 Этот Зарк — полный придурок.
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:08,906 Конечно, он за рекордное время выполнил миссию, но мы не просто винтики в шлорпианской системе.
00:16:08,947 --> 00:16:10,380 Мы — проводники Пупы.
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,060 А ещё учимся опыту у землян.
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:18,800 Так мы узнали о любви, о коллекции мирового кино, пейнтболе, «Наскаре» и о шок-контенте «Табгёрл».
00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:20,480 О, обожаю!
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,810 Всё это прекрасно, и будет полезно для шлорпиан,
00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,310 в записях Пупы об этом ничего нет.
00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:29,220 Много ли было планет с такими переменами?
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,570 Зачем мы перерождаем то же самое,
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:34,150 когда можно так же, но при этом лучше?
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:35,098 Но миссия...
00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:37,370 Ты говорил, моё дурачество всё испортит.
00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:39,880 Да! Потому что ты перегибаешь.
00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:43,872 Но зато мы можем оставаться в браке и трахаться на благо миссии!
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,692 Аминь! Лысый чертяка.
00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:50,420 О да! Давайте!
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,470 Праздник поцелуев! Воу!
00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:57,110 Встану на руки ради позы 69.
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,260 Лови, лови, лови.
00:16:59,330 --> 00:17:02,350 - Всё лучшее — для тебя. - Задай ему по полной!
00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:07,520 А как же все эти «что, если», которые вылезли, когда машина вышла из строя?
00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:10,220 Например, мои усы, а ещё вот эта штука.
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,240 О! О да!
00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:14,280 Какие горячие монетки.
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:16,620 Да, это надо убрать.
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,460 Они не исчезнут, как в конце «Короля Льва», когда свет вернулся в Прайд-Рок?
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:23,250 Нет. Нам придётся убирать их вручную.
00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:32,550 Продолжай. Отлично.
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,380 Я говорила с ВМФ.
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,850 Женщину-дельфина сбросили в Средиземное море.
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:41,890 Ей нравится. Прыгает там, как хочет.
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:47,600 Да! Эти пули, заряженные святой водой, делают богоугодное дело!
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:54,320 Я очень рад, что ты не нажал кнопку и не перезапустил всё.
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:55,490 Я тоже.
00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:59,450 Таким образом, «что, если» осталось без «если».
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:01,400 Догоняете?
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,200 Не совсем. Поработаем над фразами позже.
00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:05,000 Супер.
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:09,500 Нам удалось стать ещё сильнее и без всяких «что, если» последствий.
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,300 Да, последствия — это отстой.
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,197 - И не говори. - В жопу последствия.
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,010 - Да! В жопу! - Пошли они все в зад.
00:18:34,050 --> 00:18:35,570 Получен сигнал о помощи.
00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:37,240 Загрузка координат.
00:18:39,470 --> 00:18:43,290 Ну что, попались, неблагодарные ублюдки!
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:47,660 А что, если настало время моей мести?
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,650 ПУНКТ НАЗНАЧЕНИЯ: ЗЕМЛЯ
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,620 Чёрт, я воду забыл!
00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:02,300 Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:10,927 Oh, damn it. Stop beeping.
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,262 Ah, stupid thing!
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,431 Okay. Loving that sound.
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,474 Also, drop that crap right now, <i>mamacita.</i>
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,059 We're headed to the arcade!
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,854 They're debuting a new VR game, <i>Below Deck Sailing Yacht.</i>
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,063 I can't. This is important.
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,523 Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Get this.
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,191 One of the deckhands forgot to tie a fender,
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,152 and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,654 I can't go to the bloody arcade. I've gotta fix this beacon.
00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:32,323 Allow me to counter that with my whiny mode.
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,535 Korvo, there's no way
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,121 this thing matters more than two adoring husbands
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:41,207 attending an exclusive VR event together.
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,043 You know I'd love to see VR Andy Cohen
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,711 be a messy little bitch but not today.
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,504 Come on! Set it aside
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,174 and revel in some Earth culture with me.
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,550 This is the distress beacon,
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,344 which you broke when you spilled a low-carb V8 on it.
00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:57,057 Sorry that I was thirsty for over seven vegetables.
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,892 Everything in this house beeps. Who cares?
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,852 It's beaming our coordinates into space!
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270 And?
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,898 And if any cyborgs in the quadrant pick up the signal,
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859 they could pinpoint our location and assimilate us.
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,237 Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up to trick us into going to bed on time.
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,239 I don't care. I can't put the mission at risk.
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,450 Ugh! I wish there was a way to see that everything would be okay
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826 if you just bailed and had fun with us.
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,286 And I wish there was a way to show you
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,829 that being responsible is cool.
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,917 Wait, what if there was?
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,044 Why do you say that like that? Stop. It's cringe.
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,921 Replicants, assemble!
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,339 Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257 I was just exploring my own body.
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,759 What do you... N-no.
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,595 We are finally going to use the ship's What If? Device.
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,097 Oh, really? Hell yeah!
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,391 Holy moly. I didn't even know we had a What If? Device.
00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:42,060 Hey, what's a What If? Device?
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,104 It's a piece of Shlorpian technology you can use
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,355 to see how life would be different
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440 depending on wild scenarios we plug into it.
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,485 Inspired by how they do it in <i>Futurama,</i> now airing on Hulu?
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,821 No, it's totally... It's a very different thing.
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,490 Don't say that or we'll get an email telling us we can't do it.
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,701 This is awesome! The Solar Opposites are having our very own What If? Day.
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,870 We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,540 This is gonna rip ass. Did I use that correctly?
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,833 - No. - Cool!
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:08,253 Come on, hurry! Let's go and do some What Ifs.
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,131 <i>♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,176 <i>♪ Anything can happen on What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,261 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,804 <i>♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪</i>
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:18,972 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,723 <i>♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪</i>
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,058 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726 <i>♪ Jesse had a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪</i>
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,479 <i>♪ And Young Sheldon had never been born ♪</i>
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,524 <i>- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪ - We're talkin' titties!</i>
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:33,444 <i>♪ Yum and the Pupa won a Tony for writing a play ♪</i>
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,779 <i>♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪</i>
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,489 <i>♪ Because anything can happen ♪</i>
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,243 <i>♪ On What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,452 <i>Yeah!</i>
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,750 {\an8}I can't believe we have our very own What If? Device.
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,586 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I was a Yeti?"
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,338 {\an8}I can't wait to lurk around all naked and mysterious
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,506 {\an8}while shitting in the snow.
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,175 {\an8}Perfect idea. We're doing that for sure.
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,261 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore two bows on my head?"
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,637 {\an8}Dream bigger, Jesse.
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,806 {\an8}Ten bows.
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,850 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if ketchup tasted like mustard?"
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,019 {\an8}Let's go ham with all sorts of crazy What Ifs.
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}- I wanna go first. - Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,564 {\an8}We're all going to get a turn.
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,107 {\an8}But it was my idea so I'm going first.
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,693 {\an8}AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,069 <i>Coming up!</i>
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,696 Whoa!
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,117 - Wait a hot girl second. - What's wrong?
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,078 The What If button. It's already been pushed.
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,206 How can you tell?
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,624 Usually, the crystal is above the top.
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,375 It's not supposed to be recessed like that.
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,336 See? It should look like that.
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,129 Well, let's unpress it so we can get What If'ing.
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,131 {\an8}- Don't touch that! - Ow! What was that for?
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}We can't just reset the button.
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,551 {\an8}Why not? I want to. It's so pressable.
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,471 {\an8}Because we don't have any idea how long it's been running.
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,057 {\an8}Ow! See? It's hot from being on for so long.
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,934 {\an8}Well, you know Terry don't care about that shit.
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,101 You don't understand.
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:48,645 If this thing's been running this whole time,
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,356 it means we're all already inside someone's What If.
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:54,692 Okay, Grand Moff Obvious. That's why we gotta turn it off.
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,570 If we do that, reality as we know it will end,
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,031 meaning that something unpredictable about our lives
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,449 could change for the worse.
00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,117 I guess if we never turned it off,
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,453 it means someone liked what they were What If'ing.
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,873 Exactly. Someone used the device and their life got better.
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,959 Not me. I'm basically all grievance all the time.
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,919 Me too. I mean, my life's okay,
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,546 but I've got notes. You know?
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,757 {\an8}Yeah. I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,176 {\an8}if I had What If'd, that's for darn tootin'.
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,012 {\an8}Sorry, but generally not being happy isn't good enough.
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,807 {\an8}We're not unpressing this button until we have a good guess
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,517 {\an8}what it will change about our lives.
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,103 {\an8}We need to do a pro and con list for everyone here.
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771 {\an8}Korvo, no! Pro and con lists are
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,606 {\an8}a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,358 {\an8}Break out the whiteboard!
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,903 {\an8}And done.
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,948 {\an8}Crap. Turns out we actually all have really awesome lives.
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,866 {\an8}So we all have an equal chance of messing up our lives
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:44,951 {\an8}if we press the button.
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,786 {\an8}Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,871 - No, don't! - It's an even chance my life gets shitty.
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,331 I'm willing to take those odds.
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,749 - Me too. - Yep. I'm in.
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,960 Nobody here has a bad life. Why take the risk?
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,795 There was a whole song about it.
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,548 {\an8}Yeah. We were promised a bunch of wacky What If scenarios.
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,633 {\an8}We don't take kindly to broken promises, king.
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,968 {\an8}But you don't know what we'll lose.
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,678 {\an8}Finding out will be part of the fun.
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,305 {\an8}- Think about the mission. - Mission, schmission.
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,140 {\an8}What if whatever the What If is
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,058 {\an8}endangers the thing that we're doing with the Pupa?
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,644 Um, we're totally unbothered by that possibility.
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,980 We're not exactly doing great with the Pupa anyway.
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,191 Maybe resetting the device puts the mission back a few steps.
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,318 Who cares?
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,112 - What? I care! - Why? Your life sucks.
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,989 Don't you wanna slide that finger
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,741 all over that big red button?
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,117 Choke me and push it.
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,286 Don't try and sexy pet me into agreeing with you.
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,663 I actually have a cool life. Maybe the coolest life.
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,832 So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,292 Your life isn't cool.
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,002 You're the leader of a team that doesn't respect you,
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,337 you never let yourself have fun,
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,297 your fashion sucks, and you're a bald-ass bitch.
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,423 You're a bald too.
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,383 Yeah, but we own it, like Steven Seagal.
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,762 We're slaying the no-hair, no-ears look. Smooth.
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,305 Come on, gang. It's three against one.
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,015 Wait, wait, wait. You wanna have fun?
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,725 What if we play with the Dumb Ray instead?
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,019 Yeah. Hmm. What if we did that?
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,229 Let's use the What If? Device and find out!
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,231 We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,733 No more talking or being cautious.
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,402 No. Let's leave the ship and watch some TV.
00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,279 I heard there's a <i>Carlito's Way</i> marathon on VH1.
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,906 That's something the whole family can enjoy.
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,658 You hyped the What If? Device too well. Get him!
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,748 What the hell?
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750 <i>No roughhousing on the ship!</i>
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,711 Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu has improved over the years.
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,338 Well then, let us begin.
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,923 AISHA, give me cover.
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,762 Come back here with the What If? Device,
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,472 you overly cautious son of a bitch!
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:30,932 I already did my steps for the day.
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,393 Please don't make me chase you. Please!
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,648 Follow that husband.
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,857 Keep your pants on.
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,695 I have $14,000 in unpaid parking tickets,
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,572 so I have to do this once a week.
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,199 You really shouldn't own a car.
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,660 Ugh, you sound just like that woke-ass judge.
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,542 Gotta get you somewhere Terry would never go.
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,419 That store that only sells books about planes,
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,963 Disney's California Adventure, maybe the dermatologist.
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,047 Ah!
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:05,967 Ah! Cut it out!
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,593 Without the ship systems, this thing is unstable.
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,595 Ah! Stop hitting me!
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,806 It just leaked a random What If.
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,268 Give us back that device. We wanna have fun.
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,895 Also FYI, I'm gonna order Greek food for dinner tonight.
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,522 So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983 No to the first part. Yes to the souvlaki.
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,695 {\an8}Guys, check it out.
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,697 {\an8}What if I had a mustache?
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,783 I could finally participate in No Nut Movember.
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,994 Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,163 All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706 Ah, not the coin machine!
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:41,043 Oh, my God, I'm alive! And I'm rich! Woo!
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,046 Ah! I've been tie-dyed.
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,258 Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,343 Lollipop trees! A rhino!
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,346 Ah!
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,061 Oh, God. I suck at Rainbow Road.
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,939 Why couldn't it be Moo Moo Meadows? No!
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,862 Oh, God.
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,246 Would you stop being a crazy person?
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,373 Do you realize how much worse you're making our lives
00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:20,791 by not pushing the button?
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252 Don't you see that, Korvo? Don't you see?
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,380 Ah! I have a wedgie!
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,884 I can't! I can't!
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,761 We'll just have to live with all this weird shit.
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,639 Babe, what's going on with you? You hate random chaos.
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,057 I know. It's just...
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,892 I think I was the one who pushed the button.
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,311 Ah, Korvo, but that means--
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,813 It would be my life that would change if we unpressed it.
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,774 - Oh, really? - Why?
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,567 Because my life is amazing.
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,653 I'm in love with you and you love me back,
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,238 and we have a great little family.
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,739 I don't deserve any of this.
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,283 Oh, it only makes sense that I made a What If
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:57,370 and asked what my life would be like if you loved me, Terry.
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,248 But the whiteboard, the mission.
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,708 It's not the mission I'm worried about. It's us.
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,419 If we push that button, it might reset our marriage.
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,754 Our whole love story.
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,464 I don't wanna lose us so we can see
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,841 "What If Jesse had the powers of Thor" or whatever.
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,594 Yeah, I'd use his hammer to rob pharmacies.
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,888 What if, without this, I become super lame and stupid
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,306 and we never end up together?
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,017 Oh, Korvo, I love you because you're lame and stupid.
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,352 And unpopular.
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,145 Pushing the button will never change that.
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,480 - Really? - Really.
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,274 But our marriage needs to be built on truth.
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651 We need to know our actual un-What-If'd reality
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,361 for what we have to mean something.
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,697 We have to know what if the button had never been pushed.
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,241 You're right. Terry, that's it!
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,034 What the hell's that?
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,828 It's an emergency crossover machine.
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871 I keep it in the car in case we ever get a flat tire
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,832 but also want to hang out with the Flintstones.
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,166 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876 I could have been crossing over this whole time?
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:48,170 This machine uses quantum entangle technology.
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,422 I can repurpose the components
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,090 and build a single-use What If? Device.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,967 It won't be strong enough to transform our world,
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,677 but we can watch the What If on a screen.
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,887 Of course! Wait, what?
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,764 I'm not a logic guy. I'm really stupid.
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,100 Alright, here we go. Gather round, everyone.
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,811 What if whoever used our What If? Device
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,271 had never pressed the button?
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,235 This is way back when we escaped the destruction
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,528 of Planet Shlorp.
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,113 Look, there's the other 99 ships.
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,948 But you always say it's a hundred adults.
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,533 Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,452 A hundred adults is a hundred sets of adults.
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,078 That was not clear.
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,663 Well, it's clear now, you pedantic little shit.
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,707 Shh! This took us back far as hell.
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,087 Greetings, crew. It is I, Commander Zarck.
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,006 Commander on the deck.
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,924 Who the fuck is Commander Zarck?
00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:36,844 Holy crap. He must be our real mission leader.
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,180 Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,475 Oh, my God, I want to take a bite out of that!
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,227 Oh, sorry, babe.
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,858 Wait. So we used to have a different mission leader?
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,985 I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,195 Yeah, da fuck?
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,656 Da fuck indeed, Terry. Let's keep watching.
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,826 Get out of my seat and don't mess with the controls again.
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:04,121 You've set us way off course. We almost hit that space eye.
00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,956 Sorry, sir. What should I be doing?
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,376 I don't care. Go clean out the Pupa's poop tray.
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,503 Yes, sir. My course was better.
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,338 Man, I looked at all the cabinets on the ship
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,839 and I can't find any cake.
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,175 Do we not have any treats? I want treats.
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,468 I'm bored!
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,012 Are we there yet? This sucks.
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,431 Everyone quiet! Hey, hey, it's okay.
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,433 We'll get you terraforming in no time.
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,601 Coochie-coo.
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,852 Enough complaining.
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021 The future of the Shlorpian race is in our hands.
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398 Take the mission seriously
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,275 and follow my orders with rational diligence.
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,112 "Take the mission seriously."
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,155 Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,449 You three are way too focused on goofing off.
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,785 There's no room for fun when we have a Pupa to take care of.
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121 We have to be strict and diligent at all times.
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,456 Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,792 They're too goofy, but you're too strict.
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,712 That kind of thinking will cause conflict and endanger the mission
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,255 just as much as they are.
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,881 Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,217 That's why you need balance. Like me.
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,136 Look, as long as I'm here, we'll be fine.
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,471 Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,725 - Terry, go to your room! - Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,436 Nice one, boss.
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:09,854 Hey, a little respect.
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,689 I'm your leader whether you like it or not.
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,066 We do all the work while you just boss us around.
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,317 We don't need balance.
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,278 Oh? And who would be a better leader?
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,321 I would obviously be suited to the task.
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,074 Ha! This whole mission would fall apart without me.
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,618 Oh, please. You wish. We would do fine without you.
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,121 Oh really? Well how about we use the What If? Device
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,790 to see how fast you'd botch this if you were on your own.
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,130 What if I was ejected in an escape pod
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,675 and my team had to complete the mission by themselves
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,844 and they didn't remember me at all?
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,515 Or what if I don't press the button and stayed your leader?
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,017 <i>This device is powerful.</i>
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,310 <i>I shouldn't use it to make a point.</i>
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,145 So this Zarck guy pressed the What If button
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,689 and disappeared himself and we all totally forgot?
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:54,774 What a loser.
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,900 Okay, but just so I'm clear,
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,318 what we're watching right now is
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,195 what would've happened if he hadn't pressed the button
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,780 and stayed our leader on Earth, right?
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,948 Yes, Jesse. My God. Keep up much?
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,075 Let's watch how differently that would've played out.
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,162 We've located a planet ripe for terraforming.
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,040 Everyone strap in and prepare for landing.
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,386 Ee-yarth, our new home.
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,433 Good, good. The Pupa likes a clean house.
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,477 Scrub near that wall.
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,812 - No TV. - Ugh!
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,522 Our sole purpose in life is the mission.
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,857 Don't get distracted by human culture.
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,568 There's only one way to find out if our neighbors like us.
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,862 - Nanobots. - Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,241 No! Those nanobots are only to be used if cyborgs invade.
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,493 I'm gonna start wearing fun T-shirts
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,036 to show off my incredible personality
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,913 and provide a window into my genius.
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,958 My apparel!
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,876 Shlorpians wear robes.
00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,922 Ooh, see that? The Pupa's evolving.
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,924 I wub you, Commander Zarck.
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884 Aw! Good words, Pupa!
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,011 Commander Zarck, I'm requesting permission
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,013 for Terry and I to co-sleep in this bed.
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,139 Request denied.
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,766 You'll sleep in your regeneration pods
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,810 so you can do clerical work while your body sleeps.
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,603 Yes, sir. - And Terry,
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,438 stop standing outside the neighbor's window
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,606 and watching their TV.
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:18,774 No standing in line.
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,401 Absolutely not.
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,819 No. No!
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,195 No!
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,533 Oh, we finally did it! The Pupa's terraforming!
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,285 What? No, that's too soon.
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,786 We didn't get to do any cool shit.
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,162 Aah, does this guy hate fun?
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,123 I don't buy it. This can't be it.
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,708 Look, it's happening!
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,043 <i>All our hard work and discipline paid off.</i>
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,336 <i>The mission is complete.</i>
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,422 <i>Shlorpian civilization will be reborn</i>
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:46,552 <i>exactly as it always is, unspoiled by outside influence!</i>
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,370 Wow. I can't believe it.
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,290 Zarck, am I right? Oh, he's a real Chad.
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,458 You know he chews gum.
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,667 Yeah, he was a stud.
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,545 Korvo, babe. You gotta push that button.
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,380 You'll reset Zarck's original What If,
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,507 and your biggest desire will come true.
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:28,594 The mission will be complete. Earth will be terraformed.
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,012 We really messed this up.
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,556 Zarck would've gotten this world terraformed twice over.
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,682 He's not wrong.
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,517 We do spend a lot of time arguing
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,645 about new Dr. Pepper flavors.
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,148 Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper, Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,528 It's okay, Korvo. We get it. Do what you gotta do.
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,912 Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,538 You broke the shit out of that thing.
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,082 Damn right, I did.
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,626 But I thought you wanted to complete the mission.
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,794 That's like your whole thing.
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,837 That Zarck guy was full of shit.
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,048 Sure, he got the mission done in record time,
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,884 but we aren't just cogs in a Shlorpian machine.
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,386 We're guiding the Pupa,
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,972 but we're also learning a lot from living on Earth.
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,766 We found out about love, The Criterion Collection,
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,560 paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479 Oh, love Tubgirl.
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,772 All these beautiful things
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,816 that Shlorpians would benefit from knowing,
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,026 they aren't in the Pupa's record of the home world.
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,736 How many Planet Shlorps have existed
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,988 where nothing's different?
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,573 Why do we keep replicating it to be the same
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,909 when it could be the same but also better?
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,452 But th-the mission!
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,454 I mean, you always said my dicking around would mess it up.
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,581 It does. You go too far all the time.
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,375 But now at least we can stay married
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,377 and keep boinking for the good of the mission.
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,504 Amen, you bald little bitch.
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,175 Hell yeah! Oh, get it.
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,469 Kiss fest! Woo!
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,974 I'm gonna get into a handstand for a vertical 69.
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,142 Catch me, catch me, catch me.
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,728 You better tongue that mound.
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,354 You're slayin', pimp!
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,065 Uh, what about all the random What Ifs
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,526 that the device created when it was malfunctioning?
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,112 Like my mustache, and also this thing.
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,239 Oh. Oh, yeah.
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,908 Oh, look at my hot coins.
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,493 Yeah, this thing's gotta go.
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,954 Doesn't it all just go away like at the end of <i>The Lion King</i>
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,289 when light returns to Pride Rock?
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,582 No. Without the device,
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,250 we'll have to break it all down by hand.
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,551 Keep going. You're doing great.
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,387 I just got off the phone with the Navy.
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347 They dumped the woman who turned into a dolphin
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,849 into the Mediterranean.
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,894 She's lovin' it. Doing all sorts of flips and jumps.
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:47,608 Yeah! These holy water-infused bullets are doing God's work!
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,780 I'm pretty glad you didn't press the button
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,323 and reset everything, Korvo.
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,491 Me too.
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,703 And so the big What If turned out to be an "it was."
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,581 - Did-did that make sense? - Well, we'll punch it up later.
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,000 - It's like 80% of the way there. - Perfect.
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,336 Somehow, we got out of this day stronger than before,
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,505 without any What If consequences.
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,298 Yeah. Consequences suck.
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:12,633 They really do.
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,884 Fuck consequences.
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,511 Yeah, fuck 'em!
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,013 Fuck consequences indeed.
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,572 <i>Distress signal received.</i>
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,241 <i>Downloading coordinates.</i>
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:43,288 I've got you now, you ungrateful turds!
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:47,668 What If it's time for me to get my revenge?!
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,219 Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!

00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,633 [beacon beeping]
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:10,927 Oh, damn it. Stop beeping.
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,262 - [beeping continues] - Ah, stupid thing!
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,431 Okay. Loving that sound.
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,474 Also, drop that crap right now, <i>mamacita.</i>
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,059 We're headed to the arcade!
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,854 They're debuting a new VR game, <i>Below Deck Sailing Yacht.</i>
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,063 I can't. This is important.
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,523 Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Get this.
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,191 One of the deckhands forgot to tie a fender,
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,152 and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,654 I can't go to the bloody arcade. I've gotta fix this beacon.
00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:32,323 Allow me to counter that with my whiny mode.
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:33,450 [clears throat]
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,535 [whiny voice] Korvo, there's no way
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,121 this thing matters more than two adoring husbands
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:41,207 attending an exclusive VR event together.
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,043 You know I'd love to see VR Andy Cohen
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,711 be a messy little bitch but not today.
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,504 Come on! Set it aside
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,174 and revel in some Earth culture with me.
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,550 [Korvo] This is the distress beacon,
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,344 which you broke when you spilled a low-carb V8 on it.
00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:57,057 [normal voice] Sorry that I was thirsty for over seven vegetables.
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,892 Everything in this house beeps. Who cares?
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,852 It's beaming our coordinates into space!
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270 And?
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,898 And if any cyborgs in the quadrant pick up the signal,
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859 they could pinpoint our location and assimilate us.
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,237 Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up to trick us into going to bed on time.
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,239 I don't care. I can't put the mission at risk.
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,450 Ugh! I wish there was a way to see that everything would be okay
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826 if you just bailed and had fun with us.
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,286 And I wish there was a way to show you
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,829 that being responsible is cool.
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,917 - [♪ mystical music] - Wait, what if there was?
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,044 Why do you say that like that? Stop. It's cringe.
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,921 Replicants, assemble!
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,339 Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257 I was just exploring my own body.
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,759 What do you... N-no.
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,595 We are finally going to use the ship's What If? Device.
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,097 Oh, really? Hell yeah!
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,391 Holy moly. I didn't even know we had a What If? Device.
00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:42,060 Hey, what's a What If? Device?
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,104 It's a piece of Shlorpian technology you can use
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,355 to see how life would be different
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440 depending on wild scenarios we plug into it.
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,485 Inspired by how they do it in <i>Futurama,</i> now airing on Hulu?
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,821 No, it's totally... It's a very different thing.
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,490 Don't say that or we'll get an email telling us we can't do it.
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,701 This is awesome! The Solar Opposites are having our very own What If? Day.
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,870 We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,540 This is gonna rip ass. Did I use that correctly?
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,833 - No. - Cool!
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:08,253 Come on, hurry! Let's go and do some What Ifs.
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,131 <i>♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,176 <i>♪ Anything can happen on What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,261 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,804 <i>♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪</i>
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:18,972 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,723 <i>♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪</i>
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,058 <i>♪ What if ♪</i>
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726 <i>♪ Jesse had a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪</i>
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,479 <i>♪ And Young Sheldon had never been born ♪</i>
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,524 <i>- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪ - We're talkin' titties!</i>
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:33,444 <i>♪ Yum and the Pupa won a Tony for writing a play ♪</i>
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,779 <i>♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪</i>
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,489 <i>♪ Because anything can happen ♪</i>
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,243 <i>♪ On What If Day ♪</i>
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,452 [Terry] <i>Yeah!</i>
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,750 {\an8}I can't believe we have our very own What If? Device.
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,586 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I was a Yeti?"
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,338 {\an8}I can't wait to lurk around all naked and mysterious
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,506 {\an8}while shitting in the snow.
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,175 {\an8}Perfect idea. We're doing that for sure.
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,261 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore two bows on my head?"
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,637 {\an8}Dream bigger, Jesse.
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,806 {\an8}- Ten bows. - [Jesse gasps]
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,850 {\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if ketchup tasted like mustard?"
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,019 {\an8}Let's go ham with all sorts of crazy What Ifs.
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}- I wanna go first. - Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,564 {\an8}We're all going to get a turn.
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,107 {\an8}But it was my idea so I'm going first.
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,693 {\an8}AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,069 [AISHA] <i>Coming up!</i>
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,696 [all] Whoa!
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,117 - Wait a hot girl second. - What's wrong?
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,078 The What If button. It's already been pushed.
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,206 - [♪ dramatic sting] - How can you tell?
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,624 Usually, the crystal is above the top.
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,375 It's not supposed to be recessed like that.
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,336 See? It should look like that.
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,129 Well, let's unpress it so we can get What If'ing.
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,131 {\an8}- Don't touch that! - Ow! What was that for?
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}We can't just reset the button.
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,551 {\an8}Why not? I want to. It's so pressable.
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,471 {\an8}Because we don't have any idea how long it's been running.
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,057 {\an8}Ow! See? It's hot from being on for so long.
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,934 {\an8}Well, you know Terry don't care about that shit.
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,101 You don't understand.
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:48,645 If this thing's been running this whole time,
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,356 it means we're all already inside someone's What If.
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:54,692 Okay, Grand Moff Obvious. That's why we gotta turn it off.
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,570 If we do that, reality as we know it will end,
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,031 meaning that something unpredictable about our lives
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,449 could change for the worse.
00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,117 I guess if we never turned it off,
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,453 it means someone liked what they were What If'ing.
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,873 Exactly. Someone used the device and their life got better.
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,959 Not me. I'm basically all grievance all the time.
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,919 Me too. I mean, my life's okay,
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,546 but I've got notes. You know?
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,757 {\an8}Yeah. I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,176 {\an8}if I had What If'd, that's for darn tootin'.
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,012 {\an8}Sorry, but generally not being happy isn't good enough.
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,807 {\an8}We're not unpressing this button until we have a good guess
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,517 {\an8}what it will change about our lives.
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,103 {\an8}We need to do a pro and con list for everyone here.
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771 {\an8}Korvo, no! Pro and con lists are
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,606 {\an8}a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,358 {\an8}Break out the whiteboard!
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,442 [all groan]
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,903 {\an8}And done.
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,948 {\an8}Crap. Turns out we actually all have really awesome lives.
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,866 {\an8}So we all have an equal chance of messing up our lives
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:44,951 {\an8}if we press the button.
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,786 {\an8}Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,871 - No, don't! - It's an even chance my life gets shitty.
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,331 I'm willing to take those odds.
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,749 - Me too. - Yep. I'm in.
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,960 Nobody here has a bad life. Why take the risk?
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,795 There was a whole song about it.
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,548 {\an8}Yeah. We were promised a bunch of wacky What If scenarios.
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,633 {\an8}We don't take kindly to broken promises, king.
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,968 {\an8}But you don't know what we'll lose.
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,678 {\an8}Finding out will be part of the fun.
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,305 {\an8}- Think about the mission. - Mission, schmission.
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,140 {\an8}What if whatever the What If is
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,058 {\an8}endangers the thing that we're doing with the Pupa?
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,644 Um, we're totally unbothered by that possibility.
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,980 We're not exactly doing great with the Pupa anyway.
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,191 Maybe resetting the device puts the mission back a few steps.
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,318 Who cares?
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,112 - What? I care! - Why? Your life sucks.
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,989 Don't you wanna slide that finger
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,741 all over that big red button?
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,117 Choke me and push it.
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,286 Don't try and sexy pet me into agreeing with you.
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,663 I actually have a cool life. Maybe the coolest life.
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,832 So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,292 Your life isn't cool.
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,002 You're the leader of a team that doesn't respect you,
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,337 you never let yourself have fun,
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,297 your fashion sucks, and you're a bald-ass bitch.
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,423 You're a bald too.
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,383 Yeah, but we own it, like Steven Seagal.
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,762 We're slaying the no-hair, no-ears look. Smooth.
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,305 Come on, gang. It's three against one.
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,015 Wait, wait, wait. You wanna have fun?
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,725 What if we play with the Dumb Ray instead?
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,019 Yeah. Hmm. What if we did that?
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,229 Let's use the What If? Device and find out!
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,231 We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,733 No more talking or being cautious.
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,402 No. Let's leave the ship and watch some TV.
00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,279 I heard there's a <i>Carlito's Way</i> marathon on VH1.
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,906 That's something the whole family can enjoy.
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,658 You hyped the What If? Device too well. Get him!
00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,119 - [all shouting] - [Korvo wailing]
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,748 - [all yelp] - What the hell?
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750 [AISHA] <i>No roughhousing on the ship!</i>
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,711 Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu has improved over the years.
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,338 Well then, let us begin.
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,923 AISHA, give me cover.
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,800 [♪ energetic music]
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,135 [Korvo grunting]
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,762 Come back here with the What If? Device,
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,472 you overly cautious son of a bitch!
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:30,932 I already did my steps for the day.
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,393 Please don't make me chase you. Please!
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,521 [tires screeching]
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,648 Follow that husband.
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,857 Keep your pants on.
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,695 I have $14,000 in unpaid parking tickets,
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,572 so I have to do this once a week.
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,199 You really shouldn't own a car.
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,660 Ugh, you sound just like that woke-ass judge.
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,832 [Korvo shouting]
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,542 Gotta get you somewhere Terry would never go.
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,419 That store that only sells books about planes,
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,963 Disney's California Adventure, maybe the dermatologist.
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,047 - [thud] - Ah!
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:05,967 - Ah! Cut it out! - [What If? Device beeping]
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,593 Without the ship systems, this thing is unstable.
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,595 Ah! Stop hitting me!
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,806 It just leaked a random What If.
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,057 [phone rings]
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,268 Give us back that device. We wanna have fun.
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,895 Also FYI, I'm gonna order Greek food for dinner tonight.
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,522 So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983 No to the first part. Yes to the souvlaki. [grunts]
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,695 {\an8}Guys, check it out.
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,697 {\an8}What if I had a mustache?
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,783 I could finally participate in No Nut Movember.
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,994 Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,163 All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706 Ah, not the coin machine!
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:41,043 Oh, my God, I'm alive! And I'm rich! Woo!
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,046 Ah! I've been tie-dyed.
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,258 [Korvo] Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,343 Lollipop trees! A rhino!
00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,220 - [cars thud] - [device zapping]
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,346 Ah!
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,183 [all scream]
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,684 - [Korvo screams] - [all screaming]
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,061 Oh, God. I suck at Rainbow Road.
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,939 Why couldn't it be Moo Moo Meadows? No!
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,983 [all screaming]
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,862 Korvo: Oh, God.
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,824 [all screaming]
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,246 Would you stop being a crazy person?
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,373 Do you realize how much worse you're making our lives
00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:20,791 by not pushing the button?
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252 Don't you see that, Korvo? Don't you see?
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,380 Ah! I have a wedgie!
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,216 [happy gibberish]
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,884 I can't! I can't!
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,761 We'll just have to live with all this weird shit.
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,639 Babe, what's going on with you? You hate random chaos.
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,057 I know. It's just...
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,892 I think I was the one who pushed the button.
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,311 Ah, Korvo, but that means--
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,813 It would be my life that would change if we unpressed it.
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,774 - Oh, really? - Why?
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,567 Because my life is amazing.
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,653 I'm in love with you and you love me back,
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,238 and we have a great little family.
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,739 I don't deserve any of this.
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,283 Oh, it only makes sense that I made a What If
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:57,370 and asked what my life would be like if you loved me, Terry.
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,248 [stammers] But the whiteboard, the mission.
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,708 It's not the mission I'm worried about. It's us.
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,419 If we push that button, it might reset our marriage.
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,754 Our whole love story.
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,464 I don't wanna lose us so we can see
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,841 "What If Jesse had the powers of Thor" or whatever.
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,594 Yeah, I'd use his hammer to rob pharmacies.
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,888 What if, without this, I become super lame and stupid
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,306 and we never end up together?
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,017 Oh, Korvo, I love you because you're lame and stupid.
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,352 [Yumyulack] And unpopular.
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,145 Pushing the button will never change that.
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,480 - Really? - Really.
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,274 But our marriage needs to be built on truth.
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651 We need to know our actual un-What-If'd reality
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,361 for what we have to mean something.
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,697 We have to know what if the button had never been pushed.
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,241 You're right. Terry, that's it!
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,034 What the hell's that?
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,828 It's an emergency crossover machine.
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871 I keep it in the car in case we ever get a flat tire
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,832 but also want to hang out with the Flintstones.
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,166 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876 I could have been crossing over this whole time?
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:48,170 This machine uses quantum entangle technology.
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,422 I can repurpose the components
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,090 and build a single-use What If? Device.
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,967 It won't be strong enough to transform our world,
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,677 but we can watch the What If on a screen.
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,887 Of course! Wait, what?
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,764 I'm not a logic guy. I'm really stupid.
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,100 Alright, here we go. Gather round, everyone.
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,811 What if whoever used our What If? Device
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,271 had never pressed the button?
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,189 [gadget whirs]
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,235 This is way back when we escaped the destruction
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,528 of Planet Shlorp.
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,113 Look, there's the other 99 ships.
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,948 [Yumyulack] But you always say it's a hundred adults.
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,533 Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,452 [Korvo] A hundred adults is a hundred sets of adults.
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,078 [Yumyulack] That was not clear.
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,663 [Korvo] Well, it's clear now, you pedantic little shit.
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,707 [Terry] Shh! This took us back far as hell.
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,087 Greetings, crew. It is I, Commander Zarck.
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,006 - Commander on the deck. - [Solars gasp]
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,924 [Korvo] Who the fuck is Commander Zarck?
00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:36,844 Holy crap. He must be our real mission leader.
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,180 Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,475 Oh, my God, I want to take a bite out of that!
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,227 Oh, sorry, babe. [groans]
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:48,606 - [What If zaps] - [explosion booms]
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,858 Wait. So we used to have a different mission leader?
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,985 I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,195 Yeah, da fuck?
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,656 Da fuck indeed, Terry. Let's keep watching.
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,826 Get out of my seat and don't mess with the controls again.
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:04,121 You've set us way off course. We almost hit that space eye.
00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,956 Sorry, sir. What should I be doing?
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,376 I don't care. Go clean out the Pupa's poop tray.
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,503 Yes, sir. My course was better.
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,338 Man, I looked at all the cabinets on the ship
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,839 and I can't find any cake.
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,175 Do we not have any treats? I want treats.
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,468 I'm bored!
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,012 Are we there yet? This sucks.
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,431 Everyone quiet! Hey, hey, it's okay.
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,433 We'll get you terraforming in no time.
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,601 - Coochie-coo. - [Pupa giggles]
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,852 Enough complaining.
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021 The future of the Shlorpian race is in our hands.
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398 Take the mission seriously
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,275 and follow my orders with rational diligence.
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,112 [mocking] "Take the mission seriously."
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,155 Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,449 You three are way too focused on goofing off.
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,785 There's no room for fun when we have a Pupa to take care of.
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121 We have to be strict and diligent at all times.
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,456 Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,792 They're too goofy, but you're too strict.
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,712 That kind of thinking will cause conflict and endanger the mission
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,255 just as much as they are.
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,881 Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,217 That's why you need balance. Like me.
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,136 Look, as long as I'm here, we'll be fine.
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,471 Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,725 - Terry, go to your room! - Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,809 [blows raspberry]
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,436 Nice one, boss.
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:09,854 Hey, a little respect.
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,689 I'm your leader whether you like it or not.
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,066 We do all the work while you just boss us around.
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,317 We don't need balance.
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,278 Oh? And who would be a better leader?
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,321 I would obviously be suited to the task.
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,074 Ha! This whole mission would fall apart without me.
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,618 Oh, please. You wish. We would do fine without you.
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,121 Oh really? Well how about we use the What If? Device
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,790 to see how fast you'd botch this if you were on your own.
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,751 [machinery whirring]
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,130 What if I was ejected in an escape pod
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,675 and my team had to complete the mission by themselves
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,844 and they didn't remember me at all?
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,515 Or what if I don't press the button and stayed your leader?
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,017 <i>This device is powerful.</i>
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,310 <i>I shouldn't use it to make a point.</i>
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,145 So this Zarck guy pressed the What If button
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,689 and disappeared himself and we all totally forgot?
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:54,774 What a loser.
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,900 Okay, but just so I'm clear,
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,318 what we're watching right now is
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,195 what would've happened if he hadn't pressed the button
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,780 and stayed our leader on Earth, right?
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,948 Yes, Jesse. My God. Keep up much?
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,075 Let's watch how differently that would've played out.
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,368 [alarm blaring]
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,162 We've located a planet ripe for terraforming.
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,040 Everyone strap in and prepare for landing.
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,083 [♪ epic music]
00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:17,379 ♪
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,882 [whirring]
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,386 Ee-yarth, our new home.
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,430 [♪ muzak playing]
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,433 Good, good. The Pupa likes a clean house.
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,477 - Scrub near that wall. - [canned laughter on TV]
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,812 - No TV. - Ugh!
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,522 Our sole purpose in life is the mission.
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,857 Don't get distracted by human culture.
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,568 There's only one way to find out if our neighbors like us.
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,862 - Nanobots. - Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,241 No! Those nanobots are only to be used if cyborgs invade.
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,493 I'm gonna start wearing fun T-shirts
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,036 to show off my incredible personality
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,913 and provide a window into my genius.
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,958 - [laser zaps] - My apparel!
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,876 Shlorpians wear robes.
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,461 [grunting]
00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,922 Ooh, see that? The Pupa's evolving.
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,924 I wub you, Commander Zarck.
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884 Aw! Good words, Pupa!
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,011 Commander Zarck, I'm requesting permission
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,013 for Terry and I to co-sleep in this bed.
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,139 Request denied.
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,766 You'll sleep in your regeneration pods
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,810 so you can do clerical work while your body sleeps.
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,603 - [Korvo/Terry] Yes, sir. - And Terry,
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,438 stop standing outside the neighbor's window
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,606 and watching their TV.
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:18,774 No standing in line.
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,401 Absolutely not.
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,819 No. No!
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,195 No!
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,533 Oh, we finally did it! The Pupa's terraforming!
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,285 [Yumyulack] What? No, that's too soon.
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,786 We didn't get to do any cool shit.
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,162 Aah, does this guy hate fun?
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,123 I don't buy it. This can't be it.
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,708 Look, it's happening!
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,043 <i>All our hard work and discipline paid off.</i>
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,336 <i>The mission is complete.</i>
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,422 <i>Shlorpian civilization will be reborn</i>
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:46,552 <i>exactly as it always is, unspoiled by outside influence!</i>
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,220 [♪ dramatic music]
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,431 ♪
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,849 [screaming]
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:08,032 [♪ dramatic music continues]
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:11,243 [screen glitching, static]
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,370 Wow. I can't believe it.
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,290 Zarck, am I right? Oh, he's a real Chad.
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,458 You know he chews gum.
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,667 Yeah, he was a stud.
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,545 Korvo, babe. You gotta push that button.
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,380 You'll reset Zarck's original What If,
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,507 and your biggest desire will come true.
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:28,594 The mission will be complete. Earth will be terraformed.
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,012 We really messed this up.
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,556 Zarck would've gotten this world terraformed twice over.
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,682 He's not wrong.
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,517 We do spend a lot of time arguing
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,645 about new Dr. Pepper flavors.
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,148 Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper, Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,528 It's okay, Korvo. We get it. Do what you gotta do.
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,447 [♪ emotional music]
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,115 [Korvo groans]
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,409 [sparks crackling]
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,912 Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,538 You broke the shit out of that thing.
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,082 Damn right, I did.
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,626 But I thought you wanted to complete the mission.
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,794 That's like your whole thing.
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,837 That Zarck guy was full of shit.
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,048 Sure, he got the mission done in record time,
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,884 but we aren't just cogs in a Shlorpian machine.
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,386 We're guiding the Pupa,
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,972 but we're also learning a lot from living on Earth.
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,766 We found out about love, The Criterion Collection,
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,560 paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479 Oh, love Tubgirl.
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,772 All these beautiful things
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,816 that Shlorpians would benefit from knowing,
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,026 they aren't in the Pupa's record of the home world.
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,736 How many Planet Shlorps have existed
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,988 where nothing's different?
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,573 Why do we keep replicating it to be the same
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,909 when it could be the same but also better?
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,452 But th-the mission!
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,454 I mean, you always said my dicking around would mess it up.
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,581 It does. You go too far all the time.
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,375 But now at least we can stay married
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,377 and keep boinking for the good of the mission.
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,504 Amen, you bald little bitch.
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,048 [Korvo and Terry moaning]
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,175 Hell yeah! Oh, get it.
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,469 Kiss fest! Woo!
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,974 I'm gonna get into a handstand for a vertical 69.
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,142 Catch me, catch me, catch me.
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,728 You better tongue that mound.
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,354 You're slayin', pimp!
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,065 Uh, what about all the random What Ifs
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,526 that the device created when it was malfunctioning?
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,112 Like my mustache, and also this thing.
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,239 Oh. Oh, yeah.
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,908 Oh, look at my hot coins. [grunts]
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,493 Yeah, this thing's gotta go.
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,954 Doesn't it all just go away like at the end of <i>The Lion King</i>
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,289 when light returns to Pride Rock?
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,582 No. Without the device,
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,250 we'll have to break it all down by hand.
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,044 - [gunshot] - [coin machine screams]
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,128 [coins clinking]
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:30,174 [phoenixes screeching]
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,551 Keep going. You're doing great.
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,387 I just got off the phone with the Navy.
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347 They dumped the woman who turned into a dolphin
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,849 into the Mediterranean.
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,894 She's lovin' it. Doing all sorts of flips and jumps.
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,437 [gunfire]
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:47,608 Yeah! These holy water-infused bullets are doing God's work!
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,151 [phoenix screeches]
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,486 [♪ pleasant music]
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,780 I'm pretty glad you didn't press the button
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,323 and reset everything, Korvo.
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,491 Me too.
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,703 And so the big What If turned out to be an "it was."
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,581 - Did-did that make sense? - Well, we'll punch it up later.
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,000 - It's like 80% of the way there. - Perfect.
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,336 Somehow, we got out of this day stronger than before,
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,505 without any What If consequences.
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,298 Yeah. Consequences suck.
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:12,633 They really do.
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,884 Fuck consequences.
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,511 - [Terry laughs] - Yeah, fuck 'em!
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,013 - Fuck consequences indeed. - [all laughing]
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,599 [♪ suspenseful music]
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:24,228 [beacon beeping]
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,572 [electronic voice] <i>Distress signal received.</i>
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,241 <i>Downloading coordinates.</i>
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:43,288 I've got you now, you ungrateful turds!
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:47,668 What If it's time for me to get my revenge?!
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,046 [laughing maniacally]
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,219 Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,305 [♪ dramatic theme playing]
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,498 ♪
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,182 [mimicking laser fire]

Скриншоты

Устройство „Что, если?“ — скриншот 1

Устройство „Что, если?“ — скриншот 2

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