Устройство „Что, если?“

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- Дурацкая хрень!

- А мне нравится этот звук.

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И сейчас же бросай эту хрень,

мамасита, мы идём в «Пассаж».

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У них там новая VR-игра! «Под палубой»!

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Не могу, это важно.

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Мне насрать, ты послушай:

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один из матросов забыл привязать брус

и корма трётся о причал.

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Мне не до вонючего Пассажа. Надо чинить маячок.

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Так, ладно, включаем плаксивый тон.

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Корво!

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Эта хрень не может быть важнее

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посещения эксклюзивного VR-мероприятия

двумя мужьями-красавчиками.

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Я не прочь VR-разврата от Энди Коэна,

но сегодня я занят.

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Ну, перестань! Брось всё

и насладись со мной земной культурой.

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Это ты сломал аварийный маячок,

пролив на него низкоуглеводную хрень.

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Ну извини, что меня мучила жажда после овощей!

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В этом доме всё пикает! Плевать!

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Он шлёт нашу геолокацию в космос!

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И?

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И если какие-нибудь киборги

в нашем квадранте подхватят сигнал,

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то выследят нас и ассимилируют!

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Киборгов придумали,

чтобы пугать ими детей перед сном.

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Я не буду рисковать миссией.

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Вот бы как-то подсмотреть,

что всё будет хорошо, если ты пойдёшь.

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Вот бы показать тебе,

что ответственность — это круто.

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Стой, а что, если можно?

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Что за тон? Перестань. Полный кринж.

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- Репликанты! Всё сюда!

- У нас проблемы?

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Я всего лишь изучал своё тело.

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Что?.. Нет...Нет!

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Мы наконец-то используем устройство «Что, если?»

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Правда? Ура!

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Ёлы-палы, даже не знала, что оно у нас есть.

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- А что это за устройство?

- Шлорпианская разработка.

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Вводишь разные сценарии

и смотришь, как бы изменилась твоя жизнь.

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Прямо как в «Футураме» что ли?

Только теперь на Hulu?

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Нет, это совсем... это вообще другое.

Не говори так, а то нас забанят.

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Как круто! У нас в сериале

будет свой «А что, если» день!

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Разыграем сотню диких сценариев!

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Будет разрыв жопы!

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Я правильно сказал?

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- Нет!

- Класс!

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Давайте, вперёд! Разыграем пару вероятностей.

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«Что, если» день, «что, если» день.

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День, когда может случиться всё, что угодно.

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Что, если?

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Мы бы жили под водой?

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Что, если?

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У Терри была бы аллергия на кукурузу?

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Что, если?

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У Джесси была бы бар-мицва в стиле Spice Girls?

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Молодой Шелдон никогда не рождался?

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У Корво были бы большие объёмы?

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Ям и Пупа взяли бы премию «Тони» за сценарий пьесы?

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Всё это вы и узнаете,

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ведь в «что, если» день может случиться что угодно!

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Да!

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СОЛНЕЧНЫЕ ПРОТИВОПОЛОЖНОСТИ

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Надо же! У нас собственное устройство «что, если?»

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А что, если бы я был Йети?

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Хочу загадочно прятаться

в лесу голышом, попутно обсирая снег.

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Отличная идея. Сделаем.

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А я спрошу: «Что, если бы у меня

на голове было два бантика»?

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Мечтай шире, Джесси. Десять бантов.

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А если бы кетчуп был на вкус как горчица?

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Перепробуем все безумные «а что, если».

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Я первая!

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Нет, ни за что! Я, я!

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Все по очереди. Но идея моя, так что я первый!

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Аиша, покажи устройство «Что, если».

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Выполняю.

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Воу!

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- Так, стоять, нахрен.

- Что не так?

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Кнопка «что, если».

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Её уже нажали.

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Как ты понял?

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Кристалл должен быть выше,

а не так вжат, как сейчас.

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Видите? Должно быть вот так.

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- Так давай отожмём, да и всё.

- Не смей!

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Да за что?

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Не всё так просто.

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Почему? Просто отожми её, я хочу отжать.

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Мы не знаем, как давно оно запущено.

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Видишь? Горячая. Значит, уже давно.

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Ты же знаешь, Терри на это срать.

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Ты не понял.

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Если устройство запущено, значит,

мы все можем быть внутри чужого «что, если».

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Ладно, Мистер Скучная Очевидность,

поэтому мы его отключим.

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Тогда наша реальность изменится,

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а значит, что-то непредсказуемое

может измениться к худшему.

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А если не отключим, значит,

кому-то нравится его реальность «что, если».

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Именно.

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Жизнь того, кто запустил его, стала лучше.

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Это не я, ибо я всегда недоволен!

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Я тоже.

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Ну то есть, жизнь меня устраивает,

но есть нюансы, понял?

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Да. Запусти я устройство,

то 100% была бы уже миссис Остин Батлер.

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Простите, но этого всего недостаточно.

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Поэтому кнопка остаётся на месте,

пока не поймём, что изменится в нашей жизни.

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Составим список плюсов и минусов.

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Нет! Такие списки сразу приводят

к диаграммам Венна!

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Пришла пора для доски!

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КОМУ ЛУЧШЕ ЖИВЁТСЯ?

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И готово.

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Чёрт, мы все живём довольно круто.

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Значит, у нас равные шансы на провал,

если нажмём кнопку.

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- Всё блин. Я наживаю.

- Не смей!

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Может, всё пойдёт кувырком,

а может нет. Я рискну.

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- Я тоже.

- Я с вами.

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Но зачем? Если у вас всё хорошо.

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Ты нас не слушал что ли?

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Да. Нам обещали разыграть кучу сценариев.

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Обещания надо выполнять, король.

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- Неясно, что вы потеряете.

- Так и узнаем. Будет весело.

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- А как же миссия?

- Миссия-шмиссия.

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Что если наши «что, если» навредят Пупе?

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Нас это никак не смущает.

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Мы и сейчас относимся к нему не очень.

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Может, устройство отбросит миссию

на пару шагов назад, но кого это волнует?

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- Меня!

- Почему? Твоя жизнь — отстой.

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Разве ты не хочешь

погладить пальчиком ту кнопочку?

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Души меня и жми.

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Не переубеждай меня своим секси голосом.

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У меня крутая жизнь. Может, самая крутая.

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Круче тучи, если понимаешь, о чём я!

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Нихрена подобного.

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Твоя команда тебя не уважает,

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веселиться не умеешь,

ходишь как бомж, да к тому же лысый!

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Как и ты!

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Да, но нам идёт, как Стивену Сигалу.

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Образы без волос и ушей — наша тема!

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Трое против одного!

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Нет, хотите веселья?

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Что, если мы поиграем с Лучом тупости?

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Да.

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И правда, а что, если?

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Давай нажмём кнопку и узнаем!

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Больше никаких разговоров.

Мы хотим веселиться с «что, если».

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Нет, давайте лучше посмотрим телевизор.

00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:04,900

На VH1 марафон «Пути Карлито». Глянем всей семьёй!

00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,650

Нет, мы уже настроились. За ним!

00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,530

- Какого чёрта?

- На судне не беситься!

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Воу, смотрю, ты улучшил своё шлорп-фу.

00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:20,330

Что ж, вызов принят.

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Аиша, прикрой меня!

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А ну вернись сюда с устройством,

паникующий ты сукин сын!

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Я уже прошёл норму шагов за день.

Не заставляй гнаться. Ну пожалуйста!

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- Гоним за этим мужем.

- Штаны придержите.

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У меня штраф за неоплаченную парковку,

поэтому приходится делать так раз в неделю.

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Машина — это не твоё.

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Ты прямо как тот спящий на ходу судья.

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Туда, где нас не достанет Терри.

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В магазин с книгами про самолёты,

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в парк приключения Disney, или к дерматологу?

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Прекрати! Вне судна устройство нестабильно.

00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:09,590

Хватит уже тараниться!

00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,744

Утечка «Что, если».

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Отдай устройство. Мы хотим веселья!

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И, кстати, на ужин заказываю греческую еду.

Будешь со мной «Сувлаки»?

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На первое ответ — нет, на второе — да.

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Ребят, смотрите: а если бы у меня были усы?

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Наконец смогу участвовать

в челлендже «Небритябрь».

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О, нет! Устройство распадается!

Всевозможные «что, если» утекают!

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Только не автомат с мелочью!

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О боже! Я жива! И... богата! Воу!

00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,260

Мультиокрашивание.

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Боже! Феникс из «что, если»!

00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:49,340

Деревья-леденцы! Носорог!

00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,170

Боже! Я не умею ездить по Радужной дороге!

00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,940

Ну, почему не луга Му-му? Нет!

00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:07,591

О боже.

00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:13,389

АТЕЛЬЕ ДЖИЛЛ ЭНН

00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:17,240

Может, хватит сходить с ума?

00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,790

Ты знатно ухудшаешь наши жизни,

не позволяя нажать кнопку.

00:08:20,810 --> 00:08:23,250

Как ты не понимаешь, Корво? Как?

00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:26,380

Жопа съела трусы!

00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:29,880

Я не могу! Не могу!

00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,760

Придётся жить в этом хаосе.

00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:34,640

Милый, что с тобой? Ты ненавидишь такой хаос.

00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:38,080

Да, просто... возможно, это я нажал на кнопку.

00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,130

Корво, это значит...

00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,960

Что при её отжатии изменится моя жизнь.

00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,770

- Серьёзно?

- Почему?

00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,560

У меня очень классная жизнь.

00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:50,230

У нас с тобой взаимная любовь

и замечательная семья.

00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:51,740

Я этого не достоин.

00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,280

Значит, это я провернул «что, если»,

00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,750

и спросил: «что было бы, если бы ты любил меня, Терри»?

00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,400

Но как же твоя доска? И миссия?

00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,700

Я переживаю за нас, а не за миссию!

00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:05,420

Ведь возможно, наш брак изменится.

00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,750

Вся наша история.

00:09:06,770 --> 00:09:11,080

Не хочу потерять нас, чтобы узнать

«что будет, если Джесси станет Тором»?

00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:13,590

Я буду ходить с молотом и грабить аптеки.

00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:17,300

И что, если я стану очень ленивым,

тупым и ты не будешь со мной?

00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,144

О, Корво, я люблю тебя за лень и тупость.

00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:21,350

И непопулярность.

00:09:21,370 --> 00:09:23,260

Никакая кнопка это не изменит.

00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:23,860

Правда?

00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,270

Да, но брак должен строиться на доверии.

00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:30,360

Мы должны знать,

какой будет наша реальность без всяких «что, если».

00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:32,820

Если бы никто не нажимал эту кнопку.

00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,150

Ты прав. Терри, да!

00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:37,170

Какого хрена?

00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:38,820

Кроссоверная сос-машина.

00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,830

Если вдруг у нас спустит колесо,

а мы захотим тусить с Флинстоунами.

00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:45,870

Воу, воу, воу, я всё это время

мог быть в других сериалах?

00:09:45,890 --> 00:09:48,330

Тут технология квантовой запутанности.

00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,090

Перепрошью и создам одноразовую «что, если».

00:09:51,110 --> 00:09:54,670

Для трансформации реальности слабовато,

но на экране покажет.

00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:55,991

Разумеется!

00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:56,880

Погоди, что?

00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:58,950

Логика вообще не моё, я тупой.

00:09:58,970 --> 00:10:01,310

Ладно, давайте-ка все сюда.

00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,270

Что, если бы тот, кто это сделал,

никогда не нажимал на кнопку?

00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:12,520

Это было, когда мы спасались с планеты Шлорп.

00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:14,220

О, ещё 99 судов.

00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,550

Ты говорил, была сотня взрослых, значит, 50 судов?

00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,723

Сто взрослых — значит сто пар взрослых.

00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:20,880

Это было неясно.

00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,110

Теперь прояснилось? Педантичный говнюк.

00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:24,700

Нихрена как далеко.

00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,080

Приветствую, команда. Я, командир Зарк.

00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,240

Приветствуем.

00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,920

Что ещё, блин, за командир Зарк?

00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,114

Твою мать.

00:10:35,170 --> 00:10:36,840

Похоже, он наш настоящий лидер.

00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:37,850

Гляньте на него.

00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,288

Боже мой! Я не прочь полакомится им!

00:10:43,020 --> 00:10:43,910

Прости, милый.

00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,501

АТЕЛЬЕ ДЖИЛЛ ЭНН

00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,850

Значит, миссию возглавлял другой?

00:10:50,870 --> 00:10:52,980

Я совсем его не помню.

00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,190

Какого хрена?

00:10:54,210 --> 00:10:56,650

Да вот такого, Терри. Давайте смотреть.

00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,020

Покинь моё место и больше не трогай управление.

00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,910

Из-за тебя с курса сбились,

чуть в космо-око не влетели.

00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:05,620

Простите. А что мне делать?

00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,370

Мне плевать. Уберись в лотке у Пупы.

00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:09,023

Есть.

00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,500

Мой курс лучше.

00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,840

Я обыскал весь корабль, но не нашёл тортика.

00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,238

У нас есть сладости? Хочу сладкое.

00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:17,480

Мне скучно!

00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:20,010

Мы уже прибыли? Здесь ужасно.

00:11:20,030 --> 00:11:21,071

А ну завалите!

00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:22,430

Эй, эй, всё хорошо.

00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,430

Скоро ты терраформируешься.

00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,600

Очаровашка.

00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:29,480

Хватит ныть. Будущее шлорпиан в наших руках.

00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:33,270

Относитесь к миссии серьёзно

и грамотно исполняйте приказы!

00:11:34,130 --> 00:11:36,110

«Относитесь к миссии серьёзно».

00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,150

Господи, какой же слюнтяй.

00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:40,510

Вы слишком много халтурите.

00:11:40,570 --> 00:11:42,780

Нет времени. Надо заботиться о Пупе.

00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,120

И всегда быть серьёзными.

00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:47,680

Нет, это не дихотомия, Корво.

00:11:47,730 --> 00:11:50,020

Они слишком весёлые, а ты — серьёзный.

00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:54,400

Такое мышление создаст конфликт

и навредит миссии, так же, как и они.

00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:56,020

Но это важная работа.

00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,048

Поэтому нужен баланс. Как у меня.

00:11:58,130 --> 00:12:00,260

Пока я здесь, всё будет хорошо.

00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,600

Командир, меня достал ваш вайб, сэр!

00:12:02,660 --> 00:12:05,720

- Терри, к себе!

- Боже, зачем меня создали!

00:12:07,070 --> 00:12:09,952

- Браво, босс.

- Эй, следи за тоном.

00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,750

Всё-таки я ваш лидер.

00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,296

Мы делаем всю работу, пока ты тут командуешь.

00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,631

В жопу баланс.

00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:17,370

Да? Ну и кто лучше справится?

00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,530

Я, очевидно, лучше подхожу.

00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:22,070

Ха! Да без меня вся миссия развалится.

00:12:22,090 --> 00:12:24,680

Размечтался. Мы и сами справимся.

00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:27,120

Да ну? Проверим на устройстве «что, если»

00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:29,790

и узнаем, как быстро вы всё провалите.

00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:36,420

Что, если меня выбросят в аварийной капсуле,

00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,670

и команде придётся самой выполнить миссию.

00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:41,840

А меня они совсем забудут?

00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:46,680

Или я не нажму кнопку и останусь вашим лидером?

00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,310

Это мощное устройство, зря я с ним играю.

00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:53,930

Значит, Зарк нажал кнопку,

исчез, и мы его совсем забыли?

00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:54,770

Лошара.

00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:55,718

Хочу уточнить.

00:12:55,730 --> 00:13:00,950

Мы сейчас смотрим, что было бы, если бы

он не нажал кнопку и остался нашим лидером?

00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:03,200

Да, Джесси! Боже, ты что, ослепла?

00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:05,680

Посмотрим, как бы всё изменилось.

00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:08,310

Мы нашли планету для террформирования.

00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:11,040

Пристегнитесь. Мы приземляемся.

00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:19,110

ПРОДАЁТСЯ

00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:24,380

Зимля — наш новый дом.

00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:29,620

Отлично, хорошо. Пупе нравится чистота.

00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,840

Займись тем углом!

00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:32,080

Выключаем.

00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,520

Цель нашей жизни — это миссия.

00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:36,850

Не отвлекайся на человеческую культуру.

00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,570

Есть способ узнать, нравимся ли мы соседям.

00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,258

- Купить фургон!

- Наноботы.

00:13:41,264 --> 00:13:41,860

Наноботы...

00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,420

Нет! Наноботы только при вторжении киборгов!

00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:50,910

Я буду носить забавные футболки, самовыражаясь,

чтобы открыть окно в гениальность.

00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,950

Моё одеяние!

00:13:53,970 --> 00:13:55,647

Шлорпиане носят мантии.

00:13:57,660 --> 00:14:00,240

Ты видишь? Пупа развивается!

00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,080

Приветствую, командир Зарк.

00:14:02,150 --> 00:14:03,880

Молодчага, Пупа!

00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,010

Командир, прошу разрешения

нам с Терри спать в этой кровати.

00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:09,140

Отклоняю.

00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:13,080

Спите в капсулах и займитесь

бумажной работой, пока тело спит.

00:14:13,150 --> 00:14:13,860

Есть, сэр.

00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:17,600

Терри, перестань стоять

у соседских окон и смотреть их телик.

00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:19,080

Никакой очереди!

00:14:19,130 --> 00:14:20,400

Категорически нет.

00:14:20,530 --> 00:14:21,820

Нет! Нет!

00:14:22,130 --> 00:14:22,883

Нет!

00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,280

Наконец-то, Пуппа терраформируется.

00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:29,280

Что? Нет, слишком рано!

00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:30,780

Мы не повеселились.

00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,370

Он что, ненавидит веселье?

00:14:32,390 --> 00:14:35,700

- Не верю, не может быть.

- Смотрите, это оно!

00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,330

Наш труд и дисциплина

принесли свои плоды. Миссия завершена.

00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,570

Шлорпианская цивилизация переродится

00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:46,460

в такую, какой всегда оставалась,

без всякого влияния извне!

00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:12,141

Надо же.

00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,370

Не верю.

00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:16,290

Зарк, да? Он молодец.

00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:17,450

Жвачку жуёт.

00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:18,800

Да, он жеребец.

00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,540

Корво, милый, нажми на кнопку.

00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,500

Перезапусти «что, если» Зарка

и исполни самое заветное желание.

00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,905

Заверши миссию.

00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:28,590

Терраформируй Землю.

00:15:28,610 --> 00:15:29,800

Мы облажались.

00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,550

Зарк за это время мог дважды всё провернуть.

00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:33,680

Он прав.

00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,730

Мы тратим много времени

на споры о новых вкусах «Доктора Пеппер».

00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,220

«Литл Пеппер», «Лат Пеппер», «Нёрс Пеппер», «Пеппер Зиро».

00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:44,965

Всё нормально, Корво. Правда.

00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,530

Делай, что должен.

00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,910

Воу! Снова шлорп-фу!

00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:58,280

- Ты её расхреначил.

- Да и ещё как!

00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,624

Но ты же так хотел завершить миссию.

00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:01,800

Всегда мечтал.

00:16:01,970 --> 00:16:03,912

Этот Зарк — полный придурок.

00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:08,906

Конечно, он за рекордное время выполнил миссию,

но мы не просто винтики в шлорпианской системе.

00:16:08,947 --> 00:16:10,380

Мы — проводники Пупы.

00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,060

А ещё учимся опыту у землян.

00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:18,800

Так мы узнали о любви, о коллекции мирового кино,

пейнтболе, «Наскаре» и о шок-контенте «Табгёрл».

00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:20,480

О, обожаю!

00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,810

Всё это прекрасно, и будет полезно для шлорпиан,

00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,310

в записях Пупы об этом ничего нет.

00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:29,220

Много ли было планет с такими переменами?

00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,570

Зачем мы перерождаем то же самое,

00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:34,150

когда можно так же, но при этом лучше?

00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:35,098

Но миссия...

00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:37,370

Ты говорил, моё дурачество всё испортит.

00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:39,880

Да! Потому что ты перегибаешь.

00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:43,872

Но зато мы можем оставаться в браке

и трахаться на благо миссии!

00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,692

Аминь! Лысый чертяка.

00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:50,420

О да! Давайте!

00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,470

Праздник поцелуев! Воу!

00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:57,110

Встану на руки ради позы 69.

00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,260

Лови, лови, лови.

00:16:59,330 --> 00:17:02,350

- Всё лучшее — для тебя.

- Задай ему по полной!

00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:07,520

А как же все эти «что, если»,

которые вылезли, когда машина вышла из строя?

00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:10,220

Например, мои усы, а ещё вот эта штука.

00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,240

О! О да!

00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:14,280

Какие горячие монетки.

00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:16,620

Да, это надо убрать.

00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,460

Они не исчезнут, как в конце «Короля Льва»,

когда свет вернулся в Прайд-Рок?

00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:23,250

Нет. Нам придётся убирать их вручную.

00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:32,550

Продолжай. Отлично.

00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,380

Я говорила с ВМФ.

00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,850

Женщину-дельфина сбросили в Средиземное море.

00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:41,890

Ей нравится. Прыгает там, как хочет.

00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:47,600

Да! Эти пули, заряженные святой водой,

делают богоугодное дело!

00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:54,320

Я очень рад, что ты не нажал кнопку

и не перезапустил всё.

00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:55,490

Я тоже.

00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:59,450

Таким образом, «что, если» осталось без «если».

00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:01,400

Догоняете?

00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,200

Не совсем. Поработаем над фразами позже.

00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:05,000

Супер.

00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:09,500

Нам удалось стать ещё сильнее

и без всяких «что, если» последствий.

00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,300

Да, последствия — это отстой.

00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,197

- И не говори.

- В жопу последствия.

00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,010

- Да! В жопу!

- Пошли они все в зад.

00:18:34,050 --> 00:18:35,570

Получен сигнал о помощи.

00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:37,240

Загрузка координат.

00:18:39,470 --> 00:18:43,290

Ну что, попались, неблагодарные ублюдки!

00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:47,660

А что, если настало время моей мести?

00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,650

ПУНКТ НАЗНАЧЕНИЯ: ЗЕМЛЯ

00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,620

Чёрт, я воду забыл!

00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:02,300

Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,262

Ah, stupid thing!

00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,431

Okay. Loving that sound.

00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,474

Also, drop that crap right now, mamacita.

00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,059

We're headed to the arcade!

00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,854

They're debuting a new VR game,

Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,063

I can't. This is important.

00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,523

Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Get this.

00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,191

One of the deckhands

forgot to tie a fender,

00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,152

and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.

00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,654

I can't go to the bloody arcade.

I've gotta fix this beacon.

00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:32,323

Allow me to counter that

with my whiny mode.

00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,535

Korvo, there's no way

00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,121

this thing matters more

than two adoring husbands

00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:41,207

attending an exclusive VR event together.

00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,043

You know I'd love to see VR Andy Cohen

00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,711

be a messy little bitch but not today.

00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,504

Come on! Set it aside

00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,174

and revel in some Earth culture with me.

00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,550

This is the distress beacon,

00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,344

which you broke when you spilled

a low-carb V8 on it.

00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:57,057

Sorry that I was thirsty

for over seven vegetables.

00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,892

Everything in this house beeps. Who cares?

00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,852

It's beaming our coordinates into space!

00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270

And?

00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,898

And if any cyborgs in the quadrant

pick up the signal,

00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859

they could pinpoint our location

and assimilate us.

00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,237

Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up

to trick us into going to bed on time.

00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,239

I don't care.

I can't put the mission at risk.

00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,450

Ugh! I wish there was a way to see

that everything would be okay

00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826

if you just bailed and had fun with us.

00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,286

And I wish there was a way to show you

00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,829

that being responsible is cool.

00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,917

Wait, what if there was?

00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,044

Why do you say that like that?

Stop. It's cringe.

00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,921

Replicants, assemble!

00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,339

Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?

00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257

I was just exploring my own body.

00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,759

What do you... N-no.

00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,595

We are finally going to use

the ship's What If? Device.

00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,097

Oh, really? Hell yeah!

00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,391

Holy moly. I didn't even know

we had a What If? Device.

00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:42,060

Hey, what's a What If? Device?

00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,104

It's a piece of Shlorpian

technology you can use

00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,355

to see how life would be different

00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440

depending on wild scenarios

we plug into it.

00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,485

Inspired by how they do it in Futurama,

now airing on Hulu?

00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,821

No, it's totally...

It's a very different thing.

00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,490

Don't say that or we'll get an email

telling us we can't do it.

00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,701

This is awesome! The Solar Opposites

are having our very own What If? Day.

00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,870

We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.

00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,540

This is gonna rip ass.

Did I use that correctly?

00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,833

- No.

- Cool!

00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:08,253

Come on, hurry!

Let's go and do some What Ifs.

00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,131

♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪

00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,176

♪ Anything can happen on What If Day ♪

00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,261

♪ What if ♪

00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,804

♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪

00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:18,972

♪ What if ♪

00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,723

♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪

00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,058

♪ What if ♪

00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726

♪ Jesse had a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪

00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,479

♪ And Young Sheldon had never been born ♪

00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,524

- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪

- We're talkin' titties!

00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:33,444

♪ Yum and the Pupa won

a Tony for writing a play ♪

00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,779

♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪

00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,489

♪ Because anything can happen ♪

00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,243

♪ On What If Day ♪

00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,452

Yeah!

00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,750

{\an8}I can't believe we have

our very own What If? Device.

00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,586

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I was a Yeti?"

00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,338

{\an8}I can't wait to lurk around

all naked and mysterious

00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,506

{\an8}while shitting in the snow.

00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,175

{\an8}Perfect idea. We're doing that for sure.

00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,261

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore

two bows on my head?"

00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,637

{\an8}Dream bigger, Jesse.

00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,806

{\an8}Ten bows.

00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,850

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if

ketchup tasted like mustard?"

00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,019

{\an8}Let's go ham with

all sorts of crazy What Ifs.

00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,146

{\an8}- I wanna go first.

- Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!

00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,564

{\an8}We're all going to get a turn.

00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,107

{\an8}But it was my idea so I'm going first.

00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,693

{\an8}AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.

00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,069

Coming up!

00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,696

Whoa!

00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,117

- Wait a hot girl second.

- What's wrong?

00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,078

The What If button.

It's already been pushed.

00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,206

How can you tell?

00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,624

Usually, the crystal is above the top.

00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,375

It's not supposed

to be recessed like that.

00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,336

See? It should look like that.

00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,129

Well, let's unpress it

so we can get What If'ing.

00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,131

{\an8}- Don't touch that!

- Ow! What was that for?

00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,341

{\an8}We can't just reset the button.

00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,551

{\an8}Why not? I want to. It's so pressable.

00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,471

{\an8}Because we don't have any idea

how long it's been running.

00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,057

{\an8}Ow! See? It's hot

from being on for so long.

00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,934

{\an8}Well, you know Terry

don't care about that shit.

00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,101

You don't understand.

00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:48,645

If this thing's been

running this whole time,

00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,356

it means we're all already

inside someone's What If.

00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:54,692

Okay, Grand Moff Obvious.

That's why we gotta turn it off.

00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,570

If we do that,

reality as we know it will end,

00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,031

meaning that something

unpredictable about our lives

00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,449

could change for the worse.

00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,117

I guess if we never turned it off,

00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,453

it means someone liked

what they were What If'ing.

00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,873

Exactly. Someone used the device

and their life got better.

00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,959

Not me. I'm basically

all grievance all the time.

00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,919

Me too. I mean, my life's okay,

00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,546

but I've got notes. You know?

00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,757

{\an8}Yeah. I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now

00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,176

{\an8}if I had What If'd,

that's for darn tootin'.

00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,012

{\an8}Sorry, but generally not being happy

isn't good enough.

00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,807

{\an8}We're not unpressing this button

until we have a good guess

00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,517

{\an8}what it will change about our lives.

00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,103

{\an8}We need to do a pro and con list

for everyone here.

00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771

{\an8}Korvo, no! Pro and con lists are

00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,606

{\an8}a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.

00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,358

{\an8}Break out the whiteboard!

00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,903

{\an8}And done.

00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,948

{\an8}Crap. Turns out we actually

all have really awesome lives.

00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,866

{\an8}So we all have an equal chance

of messing up our lives

00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:44,951

{\an8}if we press the button.

00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,786

{\an8}Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.

00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,871

- No, don't!

- It's an even chance my life gets shitty.

00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,331

I'm willing to take those odds.

00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,749

- Me too.

- Yep. I'm in.

00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,960

Nobody here has a bad life.

Why take the risk?

00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,795

There was a whole song about it.

00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,548

{\an8}Yeah. We were promised a bunch

of wacky What If scenarios.

00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,633

{\an8}We don't take kindly

to broken promises, king.

00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,968

{\an8}But you don't know what we'll lose.

00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,678

{\an8}Finding out will be part of the fun.

00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,305

{\an8}- Think about the mission.

- Mission, schmission.

00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,140

{\an8}What if whatever the What If is

00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,058

{\an8}endangers the thing that

we're doing with the Pupa?

00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,644

Um, we're totally unbothered

by that possibility.

00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,980

We're not exactly doing great

with the Pupa anyway.

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,191

Maybe resetting the device puts

the mission back a few steps.

00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,318

Who cares?

00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,112

- What? I care!

- Why? Your life sucks.

00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,989

Don't you wanna slide that finger

00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,741

all over that big red button?

00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,117

Choke me and push it.

00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,286

Don't try and sexy pet me

into agreeing with you.

00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,663

I actually have a cool life.

Maybe the coolest life.

00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,832

So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.

00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,292

Your life isn't cool.

00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,002

You're the leader of a team

that doesn't respect you,

00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,337

you never let yourself have fun,

00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,297

your fashion sucks,

and you're a bald-ass bitch.

00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,423

You're a bald too.

00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,383

Yeah, but we own it, like Steven Seagal.

00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,762

We're slaying the no-hair,

no-ears look. Smooth.

00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,305

Come on, gang. It's three against one.

00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,015

Wait, wait, wait. You wanna have fun?

00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,725

What if we play with the Dumb Ray instead?

00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,019

Yeah. Hmm. What if we did that?

00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,229

Let's use the What If? Device

and find out!

00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,231

We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!

00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,733

No more talking or being cautious.

00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,402

No. Let's leave the ship

and watch some TV.

00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,279

I heard there's a

Carlito's Way marathon on VH1.

00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,906

That's something

the whole family can enjoy.

00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,658

You hyped the What If? Device

too well. Get him!

00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,748

What the hell?

00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750

No roughhousing on the ship!

00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,711

Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu

has improved over the years.

00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,338

Well then, let us begin.

00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,923

AISHA, give me cover.

00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,762

Come back here with the What If? Device,

00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,472

you overly cautious son of a bitch!

00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:30,932

I already did my steps for the day.

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,393

Please don't make me chase you. Please!

00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,648

Follow that husband.

00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,857

Keep your pants on.

00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,695

I have $14,000 in unpaid parking tickets,

00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,572

so I have to do this once a week.

00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,199

You really shouldn't own a car.

00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,660

Ugh, you sound just like

that woke-ass judge.

00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,542

Gotta get you somewhere

Terry would never go.

00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,419

That store that only sells

books about planes,

00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,963

Disney's California Adventure,

maybe the dermatologist.

00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,047

Ah!

00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:05,967

Ah! Cut it out!

00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,593

Without the ship systems,

this thing is unstable.

00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,595

Ah! Stop hitting me!

00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,806

It just leaked a random What If.

00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,268

Give us back that device.

We wanna have fun.

00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,895

Also FYI, I'm gonna order

Greek food for dinner tonight.

00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,522

So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?

00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983

No to the first part.

Yes to the souvlaki.

00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,695

{\an8}Guys, check it out.

00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,697

{\an8}What if I had a mustache?

00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,783

I could finally participate

in No Nut Movember.

00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,994

Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.

00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,163

All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.

00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706

Ah, not the coin machine!

00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:41,043

Oh, my God, I'm alive! And I'm rich! Woo!

00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,046

Ah! I've been tie-dyed.

00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,258

Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.

00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,343

Lollipop trees! A rhino!

00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,346

Ah!

00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,061

Oh, God. I suck at Rainbow Road.

00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,939

Why couldn't it be Moo Moo Meadows? No!

00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,862

Oh, God.

00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,246

Would you stop being a crazy person?

00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,373

Do you realize how much worse

you're making our lives

00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:20,791

by not pushing the button?

00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252

Don't you see that, Korvo? Don't you see?

00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,380

Ah! I have a wedgie!

00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,884

I can't! I can't!

00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,761

We'll just have to live

with all this weird shit.

00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,639

Babe, what's going on with you?

You hate random chaos.

00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,057

I know. It's just...

00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,892

I think I was the one

who pushed the button.

00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,311

Ah, Korvo, but that means--

00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,813

It would be my life that would change

if we unpressed it.

00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,774

- Oh, really?

- Why?

00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,567

Because my life is amazing.

00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,653

I'm in love with you and you love me back,

00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,238

and we have a great little family.

00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,739

I don't deserve any of this.

00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,283

Oh, it only makes sense

that I made a What If

00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:57,370

and asked what my life would be like

if you loved me, Terry.

00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,248

But the whiteboard,

the mission.

00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,708

It's not the mission

I'm worried about. It's us.

00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,419

If we push that button,

it might reset our marriage.

00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,754

Our whole love story.

00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,464

I don't wanna lose us so we can see

00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,841

"What If Jesse had the powers

of Thor" or whatever.

00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,594

Yeah, I'd use his hammer

to rob pharmacies.

00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,888

What if, without this,

I become super lame and stupid

00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,306

and we never end up together?

00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,017

Oh, Korvo, I love you

because you're lame and stupid.

00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,352

And unpopular.

00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,145

Pushing the button will never change that.

00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,480

- Really?

- Really.

00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,274

But our marriage needs

to be built on truth.

00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651

We need to know our actual

un-What-If'd reality

00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,361

for what we have to mean something.

00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,697

We have to know what if the button

had never been pushed.

00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,241

You're right. Terry, that's it!

00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,034

What the hell's that?

00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,828

It's an emergency crossover machine.

00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871

I keep it in the car

in case we ever get a flat tire

00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,832

but also want to hang out

with the Flintstones.

00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,166

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876

I could have been

crossing over this whole time?

00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:48,170

This machine uses

quantum entangle technology.

00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,422

I can repurpose the components

00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,090

and build a single-use What If? Device.

00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,967

It won't be strong enough

to transform our world,

00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,677

but we can watch the What If on a screen.

00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,887

Of course! Wait, what?

00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,764

I'm not a logic guy. I'm really stupid.

00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,100

Alright, here we go.

Gather round, everyone.

00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,811

What if whoever used our What If? Device

00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,271

had never pressed the button?

00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,235

This is way back when we

escaped the destruction

00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,528

of Planet Shlorp.

00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,113

Look, there's the other 99 ships.

00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,948

But you always say

it's a hundred adults.

00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,533

Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?

00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,452

A hundred adults is a

hundred sets of adults.

00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,078

That was not clear.

00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,663

Well, it's clear now,

you pedantic little shit.

00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,707

Shh!

This took us back far as hell.

00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,087

Greetings, crew. It is I, Commander Zarck.

00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,006

Commander on the deck.

00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,924

Who the fuck is Commander Zarck?

00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:36,844

Holy crap. He must be our real

mission leader.

00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,180

Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.

00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,475

Oh, my God, I want to take a bite

out of that!

00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,227

Oh, sorry, babe.

00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,858

Wait. So we used to have

a different mission leader?

00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,985

I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.

00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,195

Yeah, da fuck?

00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,656

Da fuck indeed, Terry.

Let's keep watching.

00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,826

Get out of my seat and don't

mess with the controls again.

00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:04,121

You've set us way off course.

We almost hit that space eye.

00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,956

Sorry, sir. What should I be doing?

00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,376

I don't care. Go clean out

the Pupa's poop tray.

00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,503

Yes, sir. My course was better.

00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,338

Man, I looked at all

the cabinets on the ship

00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,839

and I can't find any cake.

00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,175

Do we not have any treats? I want treats.

00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,468

I'm bored!

00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,012

Are we there yet? This sucks.

00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,431

Everyone quiet! Hey, hey, it's okay.

00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,433

We'll get you terraforming in no time.

00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,601

Coochie-coo.

00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,852

Enough complaining.

00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021

The future of the Shlorpian race

is in our hands.

00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398

Take the mission seriously

00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,275

and follow my orders

with rational diligence.

00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,112

"Take the mission seriously."

00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,155

Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.

00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,449

You three are way too focused

on goofing off.

00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,785

There's no room for fun when

we have a Pupa to take care of.

00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121

We have to be strict

and diligent at all times.

00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,456

Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.

00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,792

They're too goofy, but you're too strict.

00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,712

That kind of thinking will cause conflict

and endanger the mission

00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,255

just as much as they are.

00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,881

Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.

00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,217

That's why you need balance. Like me.

00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,136

Look, as long as I'm here, we'll be fine.

00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,471

Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.

00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,725

- Terry, go to your room!

- Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!

00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,436

Nice one, boss.

00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:09,854

Hey, a little respect.

00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,689

I'm your leader

whether you like it or not.

00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,066

We do all the work

while you just boss us around.

00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,317

We don't need balance.

00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,278

Oh? And who would be a better leader?

00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,321

I would obviously be suited to the task.

00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,074

Ha! This whole mission

would fall apart without me.

00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,618

Oh, please. You wish.

We would do fine without you.

00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,121

Oh really? Well how about we use

the What If? Device

00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,790

to see how fast you'd botch this

if you were on your own.

00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,130

What if I was ejected in an escape pod

00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,675

and my team had to complete

the mission by themselves

00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,844

and they didn't remember me at all?

00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,515

Or what if I don't press the button

and stayed your leader?

00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,017

This device is powerful.

00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,310

I shouldn't use it to make a point.

00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,145

So this Zarck guy

pressed the What If button

00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,689

and disappeared himself

and we all totally forgot?

00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:54,774

What a loser.

00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,900

Okay, but just so I'm clear,

00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,318

what we're watching right now is

00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,195

what would've happened

if he hadn't pressed the button

00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,780

and stayed our leader on Earth, right?

00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,948

Yes, Jesse. My God. Keep up much?

00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,075

Let's watch how differently

that would've played out.

00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,162

We've located a planet

ripe for terraforming.

00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,040

Everyone strap in and prepare for landing.

00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,386

Ee-yarth, our new home.

00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,433

Good, good. The Pupa likes a clean house.

00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,477

Scrub near that wall.

00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,812

- No TV.

- Ugh!

00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,522

Our sole purpose in life is the mission.

00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,857

Don't get distracted by human culture.

00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,568

There's only one way to find out

if our neighbors like us.

00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,862

- Nanobots.

- Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.

00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,241

No! Those nanobots are only

to be used if cyborgs invade.

00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,493

I'm gonna start wearing fun T-shirts

00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,036

to show off my incredible personality

00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,913

and provide a window into my genius.

00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,958

My apparel!

00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,876

Shlorpians wear robes.

00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,922

Ooh, see that? The Pupa's evolving.

00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,924

I wub you, Commander Zarck.

00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884

Aw! Good words, Pupa!

00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,011

Commander Zarck, I'm requesting permission

00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,013

for Terry and I to co-sleep in this bed.

00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,139

Request denied.

00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,766

You'll sleep in your regeneration pods

00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,810

so you can do clerical work

while your body sleeps.

00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,603

Yes, sir.

- And Terry,

00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,438

stop standing outside

the neighbor's window

00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,606

and watching their TV.

00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:18,774

No standing in line.

00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,401

Absolutely not.

00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,819

No. No!

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,195

No!

00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,533

Oh, we finally did it!

The Pupa's terraforming!

00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,285

What? No, that's too soon.

00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,786

We didn't get to do any cool shit.

00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,162

Aah, does this guy hate fun?

00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,123

I don't buy it. This can't be it.

00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,708

Look, it's happening!

00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,043

All our hard work and discipline paid off.

00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,336

The mission is complete.

00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,422

Shlorpian civilization will be reborn

00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:46,552

exactly as it always is,

unspoiled by outside influence!

00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,370

Wow. I can't believe it.

00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,290

Zarck, am I right? Oh, he's a real Chad.

00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,458

You know he chews gum.

00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,667

Yeah, he was a stud.

00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,545

Korvo, babe. You gotta push that button.

00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,380

You'll reset Zarck's original What If,

00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,507

and your biggest desire will come true.

00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:28,594

The mission will be complete.

Earth will be terraformed.

00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,012

We really messed this up.

00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,556

Zarck would've gotten this world

terraformed twice over.

00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,682

He's not wrong.

00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,517

We do spend a lot of time arguing

00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,645

about new Dr. Pepper flavors.

00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,148

Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper,

Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.

00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,528

It's okay, Korvo. We get it.

Do what you gotta do.

00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,912

Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!

00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,538

You broke the shit out of that thing.

00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,082

Damn right, I did.

00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,626

But I thought you wanted

to complete the mission.

00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,794

That's like your whole thing.

00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,837

That Zarck guy was full of shit.

00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,048

Sure, he got the mission done

in record time,

00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,884

but we aren't just cogs

in a Shlorpian machine.

00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,386

We're guiding the Pupa,

00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,972

but we're also learning

a lot from living on Earth.

00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,766

We found out about love,

The Criterion Collection,

00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,560

paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.

00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479

Oh, love Tubgirl.

00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,772

All these beautiful things

00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,816

that Shlorpians

would benefit from knowing,

00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,026

they aren't in the Pupa's record

of the home world.

00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,736

How many Planet Shlorps have existed

00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,988

where nothing's different?

00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,573

Why do we keep replicating it

to be the same

00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,909

when it could be the same but also better?

00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,452

But th-the mission!

00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,454

I mean, you always said my dicking around

would mess it up.

00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,581

It does. You go too far all the time.

00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,375

But now at least we can stay married

00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,377

and keep boinking

for the good of the mission.

00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,504

Amen, you bald little bitch.

00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,175

Hell yeah! Oh, get it.

00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,469

Kiss fest! Woo!

00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,974

I'm gonna get into

a handstand for a vertical 69.

00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,142

Catch me, catch me, catch me.

00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,728

You better tongue that mound.

00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,354

You're slayin', pimp!

00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,065

Uh, what about all the random What Ifs

00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,526

that the device created

when it was malfunctioning?

00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,112

Like my mustache, and also this thing.

00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,239

Oh. Oh, yeah.

00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,908

Oh, look at my hot coins.

00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,493

Yeah, this thing's gotta go.

00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,954

Doesn't it all just go away

like at the end of The Lion King

00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,289

when light returns to Pride Rock?

00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,582

No. Without the device,

00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,250

we'll have to break it all down by hand.

00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,551

Keep going. You're doing great.

00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,387

I just got off the phone with the Navy.

00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347

They dumped the woman

who turned into a dolphin

00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,849

into the Mediterranean.

00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,894

She's lovin' it. Doing

all sorts of flips and jumps.

00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:47,608

Yeah! These holy water-infused

bullets are doing God's work!

00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,780

I'm pretty glad

you didn't press the button

00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,323

and reset everything, Korvo.

00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,491

Me too.

00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,703

And so the big What If

turned out to be an "it was."

00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,581

- Did-did that make sense?

- Well, we'll punch it up later.

00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,000

- It's like 80% of the way there.

- Perfect.

00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,336

Somehow, we got out of this day stronger

than before,

00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,505

without any What If consequences.

00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,298

Yeah. Consequences suck.

00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:12,633

They really do.

00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,884

Fuck consequences.

00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,511

Yeah, fuck 'em!

00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,013

Fuck consequences indeed.

00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,572

Distress signal received.

00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,241

Downloading coordinates.

00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:43,288

I've got you now, you ungrateful turds!

00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:47,668

What If it's time for me

to get my revenge?!

00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,219

Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!

00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,633

[beacon beeping]

00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:10,927

Oh, damn it. Stop beeping.

00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,262

- [beeping continues]

- Ah, stupid thing!

00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,431

Okay. Loving that sound.

00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,474

Also, drop that crap right now, mamacita.

00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,059

We're headed to the arcade!

00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,854

They're debuting a new VR game,

Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,063

I can't. This is important.

00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,523

Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Get this.

00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,191

One of the deckhands

forgot to tie a fender,

00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,152

and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.

00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,654

I can't go to the bloody arcade.

I've gotta fix this beacon.

00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:32,323

Allow me to counter that

with my whiny mode.

00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:33,450

[clears throat]

00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,535

[whiny voice] Korvo, there's no way

00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,121

this thing matters more

than two adoring husbands

00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:41,207

attending an exclusive VR event together.

00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,043

You know I'd love to see VR Andy Cohen

00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,711

be a messy little bitch but not today.

00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,504

Come on! Set it aside

00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,174

and revel in some Earth culture with me.

00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,550

[Korvo] This is the distress beacon,

00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,344

which you broke when you spilled

a low-carb V8 on it.

00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:57,057

[normal voice] Sorry that I was thirsty

for over seven vegetables.

00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,892

Everything in this house beeps. Who cares?

00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,852

It's beaming our coordinates into space!

00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270

And?

00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,898

And if any cyborgs in the quadrant

pick up the signal,

00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859

they could pinpoint our location

and assimilate us.

00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,237

Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up

to trick us into going to bed on time.

00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,239

I don't care.

I can't put the mission at risk.

00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,450

Ugh! I wish there was a way to see

that everything would be okay

00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826

if you just bailed and had fun with us.

00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,286

And I wish there was a way to show you

00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,829

that being responsible is cool.

00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,917

- [♪ mystical music]

- Wait, what if there was?

00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,044

Why do you say that like that?

Stop. It's cringe.

00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,921

Replicants, assemble!

00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,339

Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?

00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257

I was just exploring my own body.

00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,759

What do you... N-no.

00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,595

We are finally going to use

the ship's What If? Device.

00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,097

Oh, really? Hell yeah!

00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,391

Holy moly. I didn't even know

we had a What If? Device.

00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:42,060

Hey, what's a What If? Device?

00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,104

It's a piece of Shlorpian

technology you can use

00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,355

to see how life would be different

00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440

depending on wild scenarios

we plug into it.

00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,485

Inspired by how they do it in Futurama,

now airing on Hulu?

00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,821

No, it's totally...

It's a very different thing.

00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,490

Don't say that or we'll get an email

telling us we can't do it.

00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,701

This is awesome! The Solar Opposites

are having our very own What If? Day.

00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,870

We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.

00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,540

This is gonna rip ass.

Did I use that correctly?

00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,833

- No.

- Cool!

00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:08,253

Come on, hurry!

Let's go and do some What Ifs.

00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,131

♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪

00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,176

♪ Anything can happen on What If Day ♪

00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,261

♪ What if ♪

00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,804

♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪

00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:18,972

♪ What if ♪

00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,723

♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪

00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,058

♪ What if ♪

00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726

♪ Jesse had a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪

00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,479

♪ And Young Sheldon had never been born ♪

00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,524

- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪

- We're talkin' titties!

00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:33,444

♪ Yum and the Pupa won

a Tony for writing a play ♪

00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,779

♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪

00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,489

♪ Because anything can happen ♪

00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,243

♪ On What If Day ♪

00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,452

[Terry] Yeah!

00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,750

{\an8}I can't believe we have

our very own What If? Device.

00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,586

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I was a Yeti?"

00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,338

{\an8}I can't wait to lurk around

all naked and mysterious

00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,506

{\an8}while shitting in the snow.

00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,175

{\an8}Perfect idea. We're doing that for sure.

00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,261

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore

two bows on my head?"

00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,637

{\an8}Dream bigger, Jesse.

00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,806

{\an8}- Ten bows.

- [Jesse gasps]

00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,850

{\an8}I'm gonna ask, "What if

ketchup tasted like mustard?"

00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,019

{\an8}Let's go ham with

all sorts of crazy What Ifs.

00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,146

{\an8}- I wanna go first.

- Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!

00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,564

{\an8}We're all going to get a turn.

00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,107

{\an8}But it was my idea so I'm going first.

00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,693

{\an8}AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.

00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,069

[AISHA] Coming up!

00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,696

[all] Whoa!

00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,117

- Wait a hot girl second.

- What's wrong?

00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,078

The What If button.

It's already been pushed.

00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,206

- [♪ dramatic sting]

- How can you tell?

00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,624

Usually, the crystal is above the top.

00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,375

It's not supposed

to be recessed like that.

00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,336

See? It should look like that.

00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,129

Well, let's unpress it

so we can get What If'ing.

00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,131

{\an8}- Don't touch that!

- Ow! What was that for?

00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,341

{\an8}We can't just reset the button.

00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,551

{\an8}Why not? I want to. It's so pressable.

00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,471

{\an8}Because we don't have any idea

how long it's been running.

00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,057

{\an8}Ow! See? It's hot

from being on for so long.

00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,934

{\an8}Well, you know Terry

don't care about that shit.

00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,101

You don't understand.

00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:48,645

If this thing's been

running this whole time,

00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,356

it means we're all already

inside someone's What If.

00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:54,692

Okay, Grand Moff Obvious.

That's why we gotta turn it off.

00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,570

If we do that,

reality as we know it will end,

00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,031

meaning that something

unpredictable about our lives

00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,449

could change for the worse.

00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,117

I guess if we never turned it off,

00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,453

it means someone liked

what they were What If'ing.

00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,873

Exactly. Someone used the device

and their life got better.

00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,959

Not me. I'm basically

all grievance all the time.

00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,919

Me too. I mean, my life's okay,

00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,546

but I've got notes. You know?

00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,757

{\an8}Yeah. I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now

00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,176

{\an8}if I had What If'd,

that's for darn tootin'.

00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,012

{\an8}Sorry, but generally not being happy

isn't good enough.

00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,807

{\an8}We're not unpressing this button

until we have a good guess

00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,517

{\an8}what it will change about our lives.

00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,103

{\an8}We need to do a pro and con list

for everyone here.

00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771

{\an8}Korvo, no! Pro and con lists are

00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,606

{\an8}a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.

00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,358

{\an8}Break out the whiteboard!

00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,442

[all groan]

00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,903

{\an8}And done.

00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,948

{\an8}Crap. Turns out we actually

all have really awesome lives.

00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,866

{\an8}So we all have an equal chance

of messing up our lives

00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:44,951

{\an8}if we press the button.

00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,786

{\an8}Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.

00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,871

- No, don't!

- It's an even chance my life gets shitty.

00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,331

I'm willing to take those odds.

00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,749

- Me too.

- Yep. I'm in.

00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,960

Nobody here has a bad life.

Why take the risk?

00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,795

There was a whole song about it.

00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,548

{\an8}Yeah. We were promised a bunch

of wacky What If scenarios.

00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,633

{\an8}We don't take kindly

to broken promises, king.

00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,968

{\an8}But you don't know what we'll lose.

00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,678

{\an8}Finding out will be part of the fun.

00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,305

{\an8}- Think about the mission.

- Mission, schmission.

00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,140

{\an8}What if whatever the What If is

00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,058

{\an8}endangers the thing that

we're doing with the Pupa?

00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,644

Um, we're totally unbothered

by that possibility.

00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,980

We're not exactly doing great

with the Pupa anyway.

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,191

Maybe resetting the device puts

the mission back a few steps.

00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,318

Who cares?

00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,112

- What? I care!

- Why? Your life sucks.

00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,989

Don't you wanna slide that finger

00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,741

all over that big red button?

00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,117

Choke me and push it.

00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,286

Don't try and sexy pet me

into agreeing with you.

00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,663

I actually have a cool life.

Maybe the coolest life.

00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,832

So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.

00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,292

Your life isn't cool.

00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,002

You're the leader of a team

that doesn't respect you,

00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,337

you never let yourself have fun,

00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,297

your fashion sucks,

and you're a bald-ass bitch.

00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,423

You're a bald too.

00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,383

Yeah, but we own it, like Steven Seagal.

00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,762

We're slaying the no-hair,

no-ears look. Smooth.

00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,305

Come on, gang. It's three against one.

00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,015

Wait, wait, wait. You wanna have fun?

00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,725

What if we play with the Dumb Ray instead?

00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,019

Yeah. Hmm. What if we did that?

00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,229

Let's use the What If? Device

and find out!

00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,231

We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!

00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,733

No more talking or being cautious.

00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,402

No. Let's leave the ship

and watch some TV.

00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,279

I heard there's a

Carlito's Way marathon on VH1.

00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,906

That's something

the whole family can enjoy.

00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,658

You hyped the What If? Device

too well. Get him!

00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,119

- [all shouting]

- [Korvo wailing]

00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,748

- [all yelp]

- What the hell?

00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750

[AISHA] No roughhousing on the ship!

00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,711

Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu

has improved over the years.

00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,338

Well then, let us begin.

00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,923

AISHA, give me cover.

00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,800

[♪ energetic music]

00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,135

[Korvo grunting]

00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,762

Come back here with the What If? Device,

00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,472

you overly cautious son of a bitch!

00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:30,932

I already did my steps for the day.

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,393

Please don't make me chase you. Please!

00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,521

[tires screeching]

00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,648

Follow that husband.

00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,857

Keep your pants on.

00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,695

I have $14,000 in unpaid parking tickets,

00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,572

so I have to do this once a week.

00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,199

You really shouldn't own a car.

00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,660

Ugh, you sound just like

that woke-ass judge.

00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,832

[Korvo shouting]

00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,542

Gotta get you somewhere

Terry would never go.

00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,419

That store that only sells

books about planes,

00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,963

Disney's California Adventure,

maybe the dermatologist.

00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,047

- [thud]

- Ah!

00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:05,967

- Ah! Cut it out!

- [What If? Device beeping]

00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,593

Without the ship systems,

this thing is unstable.

00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,595

Ah! Stop hitting me!

00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,806

It just leaked a random What If.

00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,057

[phone rings]

00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,268

Give us back that device.

We wanna have fun.

00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,895

Also FYI, I'm gonna order

Greek food for dinner tonight.

00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,522

So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?

00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983

No to the first part.

Yes to the souvlaki. [grunts]

00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,695

{\an8}Guys, check it out.

00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,697

{\an8}What if I had a mustache?

00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,783

I could finally participate

in No Nut Movember.

00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,994

Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.

00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,163

All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.

00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706

Ah, not the coin machine!

00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:41,043

Oh, my God, I'm alive! And I'm rich! Woo!

00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,046

Ah! I've been tie-dyed.

00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,258

[Korvo] Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.

00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,343

Lollipop trees! A rhino!

00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,220

- [cars thud]

- [device zapping]

00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,346

Ah!

00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,183

[all scream]

00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,684

- [Korvo screams]

- [all screaming]

00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,061

Oh, God. I suck at Rainbow Road.

00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,939

Why couldn't it be Moo Moo Meadows? No!

00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,983

[all screaming]

00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,862

Korvo: Oh, God.

00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,824

[all screaming]

00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,246

Would you stop being a crazy person?

00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,373

Do you realize how much worse

you're making our lives

00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:20,791

by not pushing the button?

00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252

Don't you see that, Korvo? Don't you see?

00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,380

Ah! I have a wedgie!

00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,216

[happy gibberish]

00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,884

I can't! I can't!

00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,761

We'll just have to live

with all this weird shit.

00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,639

Babe, what's going on with you?

You hate random chaos.

00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,057

I know. It's just...

00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,892

I think I was the one

who pushed the button.

00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,311

Ah, Korvo, but that means--

00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,813

It would be my life that would change

if we unpressed it.

00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,774

- Oh, really?

- Why?

00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,567

Because my life is amazing.

00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,653

I'm in love with you and you love me back,

00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,238

and we have a great little family.

00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,739

I don't deserve any of this.

00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,283

Oh, it only makes sense

that I made a What If

00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:57,370

and asked what my life would be like

if you loved me, Terry.

00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,248

[stammers] But the whiteboard,

the mission.

00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,708

It's not the mission

I'm worried about. It's us.

00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,419

If we push that button,

it might reset our marriage.

00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,754

Our whole love story.

00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,464

I don't wanna lose us so we can see

00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,841

"What If Jesse had the powers

of Thor" or whatever.

00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,594

Yeah, I'd use his hammer

to rob pharmacies.

00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,888

What if, without this,

I become super lame and stupid

00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,306

and we never end up together?

00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,017

Oh, Korvo, I love you

because you're lame and stupid.

00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,352

[Yumyulack] And unpopular.

00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,145

Pushing the button will never change that.

00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,480

- Really?

- Really.

00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,274

But our marriage needs

to be built on truth.

00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651

We need to know our actual

un-What-If'd reality

00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,361

for what we have to mean something.

00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,697

We have to know what if the button

had never been pushed.

00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,241

You're right. Terry, that's it!

00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,034

What the hell's that?

00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,828

It's an emergency crossover machine.

00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871

I keep it in the car

in case we ever get a flat tire

00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,832

but also want to hang out

with the Flintstones.

00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,166

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876

I could have been

crossing over this whole time?

00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:48,170

This machine uses

quantum entangle technology.

00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,422

I can repurpose the components

00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,090

and build a single-use What If? Device.

00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,967

It won't be strong enough

to transform our world,

00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,677

but we can watch the What If on a screen.

00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,887

Of course! Wait, what?

00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,764

I'm not a logic guy. I'm really stupid.

00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,100

Alright, here we go.

Gather round, everyone.

00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,811

What if whoever used our What If? Device

00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,271

had never pressed the button?

00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,189

[gadget whirs]

00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,235

This is way back when we

escaped the destruction

00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,528

of Planet Shlorp.

00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,113

Look, there's the other 99 ships.

00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,948

[Yumyulack] But you always say

it's a hundred adults.

00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,533

Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?

00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,452

[Korvo] A hundred adults is a

hundred sets of adults.

00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,078

[Yumyulack] That was not clear.

00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,663

[Korvo] Well, it's clear now,

you pedantic little shit.

00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,707

[Terry] Shh!

This took us back far as hell.

00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,087

Greetings, crew. It is I, Commander Zarck.

00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,006

- Commander on the deck.

- [Solars gasp]

00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,924

[Korvo] Who the fuck is Commander Zarck?

00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:36,844

Holy crap. He must be our real

mission leader.

00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,180

Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.

00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,475

Oh, my God, I want to take a bite

out of that!

00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,227

Oh, sorry, babe. [groans]

00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:48,606

- [What If zaps]

- [explosion booms]

00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,858

Wait. So we used to have

a different mission leader?

00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,985

I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.

00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,195

Yeah, da fuck?

00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,656

Da fuck indeed, Terry.

Let's keep watching.

00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,826

Get out of my seat and don't

mess with the controls again.

00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:04,121

You've set us way off course.

We almost hit that space eye.

00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,956

Sorry, sir. What should I be doing?

00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,376

I don't care. Go clean out

the Pupa's poop tray.

00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,503

Yes, sir. My course was better.

00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,338

Man, I looked at all

the cabinets on the ship

00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,839

and I can't find any cake.

00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,175

Do we not have any treats? I want treats.

00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,468

I'm bored!

00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,012

Are we there yet? This sucks.

00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,431

Everyone quiet! Hey, hey, it's okay.

00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,433

We'll get you terraforming in no time.

00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,601

- Coochie-coo.

- [Pupa giggles]

00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,852

Enough complaining.

00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,021

The future of the Shlorpian race

is in our hands.

00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,398

Take the mission seriously

00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,275

and follow my orders

with rational diligence.

00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,112

[mocking] "Take the mission seriously."

00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,155

Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.

00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,449

You three are way too focused

on goofing off.

00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,785

There's no room for fun when

we have a Pupa to take care of.

00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121

We have to be strict

and diligent at all times.

00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,456

Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.

00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,792

They're too goofy, but you're too strict.

00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,712

That kind of thinking will cause conflict

and endanger the mission

00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,255

just as much as they are.

00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,881

Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.

00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,217

That's why you need balance. Like me.

00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,136

Look, as long as I'm here, we'll be fine.

00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,471

Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.

00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,725

- Terry, go to your room!

- Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!

00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,809

[blows raspberry]

00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,436

Nice one, boss.

00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:09,854

Hey, a little respect.

00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,689

I'm your leader

whether you like it or not.

00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,066

We do all the work

while you just boss us around.

00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,317

We don't need balance.

00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,278

Oh? And who would be a better leader?

00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,321

I would obviously be suited to the task.

00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,074

Ha! This whole mission

would fall apart without me.

00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,618

Oh, please. You wish.

We would do fine without you.

00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,121

Oh really? Well how about we use

the What If? Device

00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,790

to see how fast you'd botch this

if you were on your own.

00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,751

[machinery whirring]

00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,130

What if I was ejected in an escape pod

00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,675

and my team had to complete

the mission by themselves

00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,844

and they didn't remember me at all?

00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,515

Or what if I don't press the button

and stayed your leader?

00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,017

This device is powerful.

00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,310

I shouldn't use it to make a point.

00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,145

So this Zarck guy

pressed the What If button

00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,689

and disappeared himself

and we all totally forgot?

00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:54,774

What a loser.

00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,900

Okay, but just so I'm clear,

00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,318

what we're watching right now is

00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,195

what would've happened

if he hadn't pressed the button

00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,780

and stayed our leader on Earth, right?

00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,948

Yes, Jesse. My God. Keep up much?

00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,075

Let's watch how differently

that would've played out.

00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,368

[alarm blaring]

00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,162

We've located a planet

ripe for terraforming.

00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,040

Everyone strap in and prepare for landing.

00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,083

[♪ epic music]

00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:17,379

♪

00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,882

[whirring]

00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,386

Ee-yarth, our new home.

00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,430

[♪ muzak playing]

00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,433

Good, good. The Pupa likes a clean house.

00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,477

- Scrub near that wall.

- [canned laughter on TV]

00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,812

- No TV.

- Ugh!

00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,522

Our sole purpose in life is the mission.

00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,857

Don't get distracted by human culture.

00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,568

There's only one way to find out

if our neighbors like us.

00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,862

- Nanobots.

- Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.

00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,241

No! Those nanobots are only

to be used if cyborgs invade.

00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,493

I'm gonna start wearing fun T-shirts

00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,036

to show off my incredible personality

00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,913

and provide a window into my genius.

00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,958

- [laser zaps]

- My apparel!

00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,876

Shlorpians wear robes.

00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,461

[grunting]

00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,922

Ooh, see that? The Pupa's evolving.

00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,924

I wub you, Commander Zarck.

00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884

Aw! Good words, Pupa!

00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,011

Commander Zarck, I'm requesting permission

00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,013

for Terry and I to co-sleep in this bed.

00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,139

Request denied.

00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,766

You'll sleep in your regeneration pods

00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,810

so you can do clerical work

while your body sleeps.

00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,603

- [Korvo/Terry] Yes, sir.

- And Terry,

00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,438

stop standing outside

the neighbor's window

00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,606

and watching their TV.

00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:18,774

No standing in line.

00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,401

Absolutely not.

00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,819

No. No!

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,195

No!

00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,533

Oh, we finally did it!

The Pupa's terraforming!

00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,285

[Yumyulack] What? No, that's too soon.

00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,786

We didn't get to do any cool shit.

00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,162

Aah, does this guy hate fun?

00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,123

I don't buy it. This can't be it.

00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,708

Look, it's happening!

00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,043

All our hard work and discipline paid off.

00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,336

The mission is complete.

00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,422

Shlorpian civilization will be reborn

00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:46,552

exactly as it always is,

unspoiled by outside influence!

00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,220

[♪ dramatic music]

00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,431

♪

00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,849

[screaming]

00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:08,032

[♪ dramatic music continues]

00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:11,243

[screen glitching, static]

00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,370

Wow. I can't believe it.

00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,290

Zarck, am I right? Oh, he's a real Chad.

00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,458

You know he chews gum.

00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,667

Yeah, he was a stud.

00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,545

Korvo, babe. You gotta push that button.

00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,380

You'll reset Zarck's original What If,

00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,507

and your biggest desire will come true.

00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:28,594

The mission will be complete.

Earth will be terraformed.

00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,012

We really messed this up.

00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,556

Zarck would've gotten this world

terraformed twice over.

00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,682

He's not wrong.

00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,517

We do spend a lot of time arguing

00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,645

about new Dr. Pepper flavors.

00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,148

Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper,

Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.

00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,528

It's okay, Korvo. We get it.

Do what you gotta do.

00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,447

[♪ emotional music]

00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,115

[Korvo groans]

00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,409

[sparks crackling]

00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,912

Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!

00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,538

You broke the shit out of that thing.

00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,082

Damn right, I did.

00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,626

But I thought you wanted

to complete the mission.

00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,794

That's like your whole thing.

00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,837

That Zarck guy was full of shit.

00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,048

Sure, he got the mission done

in record time,

00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,884

but we aren't just cogs

in a Shlorpian machine.

00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,386

We're guiding the Pupa,

00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,972

but we're also learning

a lot from living on Earth.

00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,766

We found out about love,

The Criterion Collection,

00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,560

paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.

00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479

Oh, love Tubgirl.

00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,772

All these beautiful things

00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,816

that Shlorpians

would benefit from knowing,

00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,026

they aren't in the Pupa's record

of the home world.

00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,736

How many Planet Shlorps have existed

00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,988

where nothing's different?

00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,573

Why do we keep replicating it

to be the same

00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,909

when it could be the same but also better?

00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,452

But th-the mission!

00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,454

I mean, you always said my dicking around

would mess it up.

00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,581

It does. You go too far all the time.

00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,375

But now at least we can stay married

00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,377

and keep boinking

for the good of the mission.

00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,504

Amen, you bald little bitch.

00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,048

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,175

Hell yeah! Oh, get it.

00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,469

Kiss fest! Woo!

00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,974

I'm gonna get into

a handstand for a vertical 69.

00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,142

Catch me, catch me, catch me.

00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,728

You better tongue that mound.

00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,354

You're slayin', pimp!

00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,065

Uh, what about all the random What Ifs

00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,526

that the device created

when it was malfunctioning?

00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,112

Like my mustache, and also this thing.

00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,239

Oh. Oh, yeah.

00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,908

Oh, look at my hot coins. [grunts]

00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,493

Yeah, this thing's gotta go.

00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,954

Doesn't it all just go away

like at the end of The Lion King

00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,289

when light returns to Pride Rock?

00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,582

No. Without the device,

00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,250

we'll have to break it all down by hand.

00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,044

- [gunshot]

- [coin machine screams]

00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,128

[coins clinking]

00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:30,174

[phoenixes screeching]

00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,551

Keep going. You're doing great.

00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,387

I just got off the phone with the Navy.

00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347

They dumped the woman

who turned into a dolphin

00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,849

into the Mediterranean.

00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,894

She's lovin' it. Doing

all sorts of flips and jumps.

00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,437

[gunfire]

00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:47,608

Yeah! These holy water-infused

bullets are doing God's work!

00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,151

[phoenix screeches]

00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,486

[♪ pleasant music]

00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,780

I'm pretty glad

you didn't press the button

00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,323

and reset everything, Korvo.

00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,491

Me too.

00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,703

And so the big What If

turned out to be an "it was."

00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,581

- Did-did that make sense?

- Well, we'll punch it up later.

00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,000

- It's like 80% of the way there.

- Perfect.

00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,336

Somehow, we got out of this day stronger

than before,

00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,505

without any What If consequences.

00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,298

Yeah. Consequences suck.

00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:12,633

They really do.

00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,884

Fuck consequences.

00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,511

- [Terry laughs]

- Yeah, fuck 'em!

00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,013

- Fuck consequences indeed.

- [all laughing]

00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,599

[♪ suspenseful music]

00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:24,228

[beacon beeping]

00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,572

[electronic voice]

Distress signal received.

00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,241

Downloading coordinates.

00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:43,288

I've got you now, you ungrateful turds!

00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:47,668

What If it's time for me

to get my revenge?!

00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,046

[laughing maniacally]

00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,219

Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!

00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,305

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,498

♪

00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,182

[mimicking laser fire]